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People With Disabilities Break Down The One Thing They Wish People Knew Not To Say

People With Disabilities Break Down The One Thing They Wish People Knew Not To Say
Pgiam/Getty Images

You've likely heard the term "ableist language," but what exactly is it?

Ableist language is language that is offensive to people living with disabilities. Ableist language includes language that looks at disabilities in a derogatory, abusive, or negative light. Ableist language is just one part of ableism, which is the systemic exclusion and oppression of individuals with disabilities.

For what to say––and what not to say––it's crucial that we hear from the source, as we did once Redditor sparklesparkley asked the online community, "People with disabilities: what's one thing you wish everyone knew not to say?"


"Um, okay, thanks."

"You're too young for that!" Um, okay, thanks. But I've still got it and it still sucks.

bigwitchenergy

"...and then they go on..."

"I know someone with that" and then they go on to invalidate my disability because I'm not an identical copy of that one person they "know."

Lissu_xo

"It's best to just not offer advice..."

I have narcolepsy. It is thought to be an autoimmune disease. I do not make the brain cells which would allow me to experience deep sleep, and I go into REM sleep almost immediately. So I'm not only tired all the time, but I uncontrollably fall asleep with a few minutes' warning. It's not sleepiness that leads to it, it's the knowledge that I am going to pass out and i have to be sitting down right now. It is so weird and abrupt that I though it was epilepsy until I was diagnosed in my mid 30s. Because everyone gets sleepy they think that what helps them will help me. Advice for melatonin or essential oils makes me want to scream. If it were that easy, I wouldn't be on a drug that costs 10,000 per month (obviously I'm in the US). My mother's reaction to my diagnosis was, "I like to nap in the afternoons. I must have narcolepsy, too!" No. liking naps in the afternoon is not narcolepsy. It's best to just not offer advice unless you are a doctor or you also have the disease. Just keep it to yourself.

Wild_Sea9827

"When I can't do something..."

Guess I've got an "invisible disability" so I'll pitch in. When I can't do something or if I'm having a day where something's just not possible I wish people wouldn't say "well you don't look sick" or"I've seen you do it before." Some days I can do things and some days I can't. Such is the nature of an inflammatory disease.

Cipher1414

"I had a lot of people tell me..."

have Crohn's disease which, for me, isn't a disability but it can easily become one if treatment loses effectiveness. It's also an invisible disease so nobody really sees the bad parts.

I'd appreciate it if people didn't "wish they have what I have". See, when I get sick I lose a lot of weight. During my second flare I was losing 5 lbs per week and I was only a bit overweight to begin with (150 lbs at 5'7" and I'm a woman).

I had a lot of people tell me they wished they had a "good" disease that "helped them lose weight."

The worst part is that once I went back on prednisone I packed the pounds back on. I didn't even get the one "benefit" of my disease and now, in remission, I have to work to diet and most of the "healthy diet food" (any raw veggies and anything with high fiber) triggers my symptoms.

PenelopePeril

"It's not flattering."

"You're so inspiring" for just existing. It's not flattering. It's patronizing and I'd rather be complimented on my actual accomplishments as opposed to being complimented for... If you haven't already, please watch Stella Young's Ted Talk on inspiration porn.

hellhound6

"Stop giving your home remedies..."

Stop giving your home remedies to chronic conditions. You're not a doctor, and even if you are, you aren't my doctor.I have AS which basically gives you arthritis in your hips/spine, in my case in my 20's. Everyone tells me I should just eat turmeric, go vegan, or drink fish oil. Trust me if there was any scientific backing I'd have done those before the bloodwork, pills, and self injections.

BCOTB

"That statement is literally worthless."

"It's all in your head." For various mental illnesses. Yes. You're right. It literally is. Doesn't make it better or worse. That statement is literally worthless.

SternSiegel

"I have a ton."

I have a ton. Here we go:

I'm in a wheelchair. Throughout my 20s and 30s, I've had people tell me that I look too young to need a wheelchair.

"You're so inspiring" is another pet peeve, for reasons others have already said.

"I don't think of you as disabled" is also an annoying backhanded compliment. It's basically saying that "disabled" is a bad thing to be, and also discounts my experience as a person with a disability. You can't simply remove that attribute of mine, because it affects what I can do and how I do them. It's like saying "I don't think of you as a woman" and meaning it as a compliment. It doesn't work.

Next on the list: someone thinking that they know what it's like to be in a wheelchair because they hurt their ankle before and needed crutches for a few weeks. (While they may get a sense of the accessibility issues, they do not experience the full systemic discrimination, eg. finding work, getting resources, peer support issues, etc.)

And lastly, employers who don't want to hire someone in a wheelchair because they don't want to improve their accessibility. I've had multinational corporations claim that they can't afford to do so, even though they might spend literally millions on other things like advertising.

buckyhermit

"But even though..."

ANY sentence that starts with "but why don't you just..." I can't JUST do things normally. I can't JUST try this one new health fad you're trying to push on me. Most likely I'm incapable of doing it, I've already tried it, or the advice is BS. I'm assuming this is about physical disabilities and mine are only minor. I have mental disabilities too if that counts. But even though the physical stuff is relatively small, I still get a ton of unwanted advice and "why don't you just try yoga/meditation/changing your whole diet/jogging every day/weed/sucking it up" etc.

Oh! Also: People who assume you're refusing any help whatsoever and "playing the victim" when rejecting unwanted and unhelpful advice.

IAmNotaWoodenDuck

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The Debunked Parenting Myths That People Still Somehow Believe

Reddit user BITE_AU_CHOCOLAT asked: 'What's a disproven parenting myth that way too many people still believe?'

Baby on back in their crib
Photo by Alex Bodini on Unsplash

Some haters will disagree, but parenting is hard. Every parent is going to experience their journey differently from the next parent, and it stands to reason that they're going to make some differing decisions, too.

But some decisions are made based on facts while others are made based on old wives' tales and myths, some of which have long since been debunked.

Because that's how Grandma did it and how Mom did it, some of these myths are trying their best to stand the test of time!

Redditor BITE_AU_CHOCOLAT asked:

"What's a disproven parenting myth that way too many people still believe?"

Allergy Prevention

"To prevent allergies, avoid giving your child these foods until they are much older…"

"It has been proven over and over again that exposing your child to traditionally allergy-prone foods in very small amounts when they are younger drastically reduces allergy potential. Even to the point of doing so in utero."

- UsesCommonSense

Instant Maturity

"Having a kid will cause someone to step up or straighten out or grow up or mature, etc."

- Exploding_Muffin

"I have a family member that tried this. He and his girlfriend were addicts. They specifically decided that they should try to get pregnant as motivation to stop doing drugs. It didn't work."

- HoopOnPoop

Nonverbal, Not Deaf

"That nonverbal kids don’t understand what you say. This one is common in the autism community."

- Kwyjibo68

"I work in dementia care. Lord knows this isn’t the truth for either population."

"A lady I took care of several years ago was thought to be nonverbal and beyond the ability to understand speech. We were changing her one night, and she looked at me and said, 'When does school start back?'"

"Clear as a bell. I was in college at the time."

- bookishkelly1005

No Spoiled Newborns

"You can not spoil a newborn. Their brain is still quite underdeveloped, and actually, by refusing to answer their calls, you can give them self-regulation issues as they develop without that safety in processing new stimuli."

"Edited to Add: I said newborn because I meant newborns. Not babies that need to be practicing lifting their head, etc. There are people who start fussing at parents about this as soon as they bring their newborn home, forgetting that this baby is experiencing everything BRAND NEW, and needs a safety system."

"And also I did raise two humans, and I very much remember being a new mom."

- TinyGreenTurtles

The Power of Multilingualism

"That a child shouldn’t be exposed to a second (or third) language until having mastered their native language. I’ve heard this so many times from people who have no idea about multilingualism."

- lrbdad626

"My sister's first language is English, and her husband's is Spanish. They're both bilingual and speak both languages in their household."

"My sister remembers her daughter noticing when they switched between languages when she was well under a year old. She'd be watching them intently and do a little startle when they switched. Kids' receptive language develops earlier than a lot of people realize."

- dorky2

Dads Are Parents, Too

"Dads are more than babysitters."

"It's been 20+ years since I was a single father, but the attitudes towards men and parenthood haven't changed as much as they should have."

"Don't ask a dad if he is giving mom a break today. Don't assume dad doesn't know how to settle down their child. Don't stare at Dad at the park when Dad is there with his kid(s). And for god's sake, can businesses install a change table in the men's washroom!"

- keiths31

"Oh yeah, this p**ses me off to no end. And no matter how many times we tell the school not to, they will ONLY call my wife if there is some issue during the day. She is 100% unavailable during the day, while I WFH (work from home) and can come deal with anything at a moment's notice."

"Once, my poor kid sat in the infirmary for two hours because they were waiting for mom to return their call. Finally, she herself piped up and said, 'Can you try calling my dad instead?' and I was there five minutes later. You would think they would eventually learn but nope... still happens to this day."

- dcmcderm

Why Is Comfort So Taboo?

"Picking up your baby too much will spoil them. For f**k's sake… pick up a crying child and meet their needs. Sometimes it's just a need for comfort and bonding with their caretaker."

- laurenderson

Disturbing Gender Norms

"Daughters are nightmares and sons are so easy to raise."

"The really disturbing part is women seem to believe this more than men."

- lilymunsterisaqueen

Best Practices, Who?

"That there is anything even remotely approaching a consensus on best practices when it comes to raising a child. I've only been a parent for five months and the sheer volume of confident, authoritative, and completely contradictory advice I've received has been staggering."

"As best as I can tell, just work on keeping them healthy, secure, and loved, and try to muddle your way through as best you can on rest."

- liebkartoffel

Don't Let Regret Run the Show

"I'm an older parent. In my opinion, a lot of who the kids grow up to become is simply them. For the kids who turn out well or don't, people will look back and think, 'If I had only done this more often!' and pass it off as advice."

"Parents shouldn't beat themselves up. Don't traumatize the kids. Don't spoil them. Support them in their interests. Outside of that, just let them become who they will become and enjoy the ride. It's a shorter run than you think at the time."

"At some point, we as a society may find that electronics are bad, something in our food is a problem, lack of interaction is an issue, etc. but as an individual parent, it's really hard to swim against the stream. It's fine to research and take reasonable steps to avoid this but I see too many young parents totally overwhelmed with advice and data."

- fish1900

Breaking the Cycle

"That all parents, specifically mothers, have an instinct that will kick in eventually and your child will be your world."

"Mine told me from a very early age that I wasn't the kid she'd wanted, I was ugly, fat, whatever. I finally ended things completely this year when she told me she's always hated me and never wanted me. I needed the closure."

"She made my life h**l, especially since she had two kids after me that she loves."

"My daughter hasn't ever been shouted at (by that, I mean raising my voice), hurt, or made to feel like less than the wonderful person she is. I suppose I can thank my mother for showing me how not to be."

- earthtomanda

Not the Same AT ALL

​"That love, respect, and fear are the same thing. They're f**king not."

- LaliMaia

"'Is it better to be loved or feared?"

"'I want my kids to be afraid of how much they love me.' from Michael Scott's School of Parenting (on 'The Office')."

- Millerisabast**dMan

Not In Debt

"This destructive myth that we are OWED respect and love from our kids. NOPE!"

"They are attached to us, yes, but love and respect are earned. Fear is not respect; guilt is not love; we chose to have kids, they had no say in the matter. It is incumbent upon us to reach them by mirroring the behaviors we value."

- I_wear_foxgloves

"This goes hand in hand with some parents thinking their kids owe them anything in return for meeting their basic needs. You see this especially when children become adults."

"Parents telling their adult children, 'You owe me X because I fed you and gave you a roof over your head.' It’s utter bulls**t. Your child never signed a contract saying that in order to be born, they owe you something in the future."

"Keeping a child safe, providing food and water, a roof over their head, etc… those are basic needs that your child deserves. If you aren’t prepared to provide those things, don’t become a parent. Your kids don’t owe you anything, not as children and not as adults. Respect is earned and not bought. A child’s relationship with their parent(s) is not transactional."

- CatmoCatmo

Public vs. Private

"That you can tell if a stranger is a good parent by how their kid behaves in a random instance you happen to observe."

- JuniorPomegranate9

Resilience as an Excuse

"Kids are resilient and will get over stuff without it correctly being addressed."

"No, we remember everything In our tiny and impressionable brains."

- Pleasant_Tooth_2488

The misconceptions presented here are truly heartbreaking in some cases and mind-boggling in others.

It's hard to unlearn behaviors and what we thought were facts, yes, but if we want to be better people, and better parents, we absolutely have to figure out how to do it.

Old torquoise radio box
Milivoj Kuhar/Unsplash

Buying a home is a daunting task, but it comes with the comfort of finally having a place to call your own after the lengthy process of purchasing.

One of the things new homeowners look forward to is renovating certain areas of their newly acquired domicile.

However, embarking on this next phase of making a home their own can come with some surprises.

For example, doing a gut reno in the basement or tearing down a non-load-bearing wall can unearth unusual relics left from the previous homeowner.

These discoveries can either be treasures, or something very unpleasant.

Curious to hear from new homeonwers, Redditor Oblivious_Dude14 asked:

"People who bought a house. What is the weirdest thing you have found left by the previous owner?"

These will spark curiosity about former occupants.

Hidden Message

"First time I took a hot shower in our new home. The steam covered the mirror, only to reveal the phrase 'HELLO, I SEE YOU' in large finger drawn writing."

"It freaked me out for a second, but made me laugh soon after that."

"It was such an inconspicuous yet obvious thing to leave for the new homeowner (me)."

– Individual-Common-89

A Special Request

"It's not really weird but I think it's kind of a nice story."

"One of the kids' rooms has a shelf going all around the top edge, and when my kid was putting stuff up there they found a letter from the previous kid. The letter welcomed them to the room etc and asked them to take special care of a rose bush in the front yard that was their special rose bush. My kid thought it was really cool to have that connection with the previous kid."

– catsaway9

Instructions

"Not really weird but they left a typed out and printed note about the house and how to take care of it. Detailing all the plant life in the backyard and how to prep for the winter. Described how to take care of the hot tub and gave random tid bits about the electrical."

"They were good people lol."

– pet_zulrah

Theses secret chambers piqued Redditors' curiosity.

Secret Dwelling

"Not my house, but the school my friend worked at."

"A pipe had leaked and ruined a wall in the building, one of the oldest schools in the city. It was a beautiful property. Anyways the pipe leaked so they pulled down the ruined wall and behind the wall found a door."

"A fully furnished apartment was there. Had a coal burning stove to heat it. Early 1900s appliances and decor. It was for the caretaker of the school."

– Used-Stress

Antique Showroom

"My ex-wife's family knocked down a wall in a 400-year-old house in Cornwall, and found a perfectly intact bedroom from the 1800s, still with all the personal effects where they had been left."

"Nobody knows why it was boarded up, or why things weren't taken out of it."

"Oh, and that house always appears in the guides for the most haunted locations in Cornwall, if you believe that kind of stuff."

– ledow

A Medieval Theme

"A basement room that was fully decked out as a 'dungeon.' Faux stone walls, a stocks (like where you lock your head and hands in ala ye olde England), candle scones on the walls, a metal-barred cage in the corner from floor to ceiling. Oh and the closet had a load of toys, some normal, some....not so typical."

– DisIsDaeWae

These Redditors got a glimpse into past lives.

Family Treasure

"Before I met her, my wife got a call from someone she worked with saying they'd just bought an old house and in the city, and in it was a steamer trunk with her family name (not a common one) carved into the woodwork on one end."

"As it turns out, it was the trunk that her great grandfather used when he came over from Germany, and it made the trip to my wife's hometown when he met her great grandmother on a visit, and subsequently moved to her city to marry her. We now have it and it's full of family portraits and albums."

– LateralThinkerer

Vintage Trickster

"My first house purchase in 2005 - bought an old farmhouse that was built in 1923. The basement was FILLED with crap - we told them they needed to clean it all out before closing, but they didn't do it. The realtor asked if we wanted to postpone closing, and we decided no - some of the stuff looked interesting enough. Maybe it will be worthwhile to go through."

"Most of it was just junk. Then, about half way through (we were working our way from one end of the basement to the other, because you could barely walk through), I went to pick up what I thought was a small box, only to quickly realize it weighed at least 75 pounds. Upon further inspection, it wasn't a box, but a wooden square, 4' wide and about 12'x12', with two thin masonite plywood covers on each side. On one edge were two bolts with wires coming off that had been cut."

"Very strange - had no idea what it was, but thought it was interesting. So I put it aside and we kept going. At the very back of the basement once we cleared everything else out, was a rickety gray cabinet, built into the house. Inside, were numerous strange small tools, vials of mercury, vials of a strange powder, and thousands - literally thousands - of dice blanks. Some actual dice, but mostly blanks without the dots. they were all in little boxes labeled 'dice blanks'. Also very strange..."

"Not too long after that, I met a guy and upon learning my address, he said 'can I come over?My best friend grew up in that house'. He came by, and proceeded to tell me stories for an hour and a half about his childhood best friends eccentric father: Someone who was a part of the 'Dixieland Mafia' in the 60s and 70s, and who made a living traveling around the US as a traveling gambler. The enormously heavy box was an electro-magnet. And the dice blanks were for him to make his own loaded dice with a little bit of metal powder under the inlaid dot, so he could set up his own table with the the electromagnet underneath, and turn it on when he wanted to persuade the dice. He told me many other stories, including that there was 'no doubt in his mind that he had killed someone'. Pretty fascinating."

– GIjokinaround

A Soldier's Story

"A diary of an American soldier in WW-II, South Pacific Theater. Found it above a door when remodeling 20+ years ago. My wife and I tried everything we could think of to find a descendant, but to no avail."

"UPDATE: I just posted photos of it with the person's ID info on r/WorldWar2."

"Last Update: Thanks to all the help from this community, and those at r/worldwar2, this diary is now in the hands of its writer's son who came to my office this morning to retrieve it. I am so thrilled to have been able to facilitate this!"

– Factsaretheonlytruth

These folks really hit the jackpot.

Forgotten Stash

"$1200 in cash above the door on the inside the closet. I found it while painting."

– whymetoo

They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To

"A glass bowl. It was kind of pretty, with horizontal blue stripes."

"We kept fruit in it. We thought about dropping it off at the local charity shop, but never got around to it."

"Then one day I was at an antique fair and I saw for sale glass bowls that looked almost identical to ours. I went home to get my bowl and brought it to be assessed."

"Turns out it was a vintage Orrefors crystal bowl. The assessor valued it at around $800."

"We no longer keep fruit in it."

– khendron

When my great aunt passed away, our family went over to her and her husband's home in Pomona, CA to clear it out in preparation to sell.

They emigrated from Japan in the late 1930s and brought with them many decorative figurines, sculptures, and wooden carvings from the homeland.

One of the pieces was a kabuki doll on a wooden base. As we were placing the item in a box, a tiny envelope that had been taped underneath the doll's base came loose.

I opened it and found what looked like instructions for something. I kick myself to this day that I didn't keep the letter and never bothered asking my parents what the note said as we were frantically trying to empty the house.

But man, my imagination ran wild. Was it a treasure map? Who knows. I still wonder to this day what the note said and tossing it aside remains one of my life's greatest regrets.

test tubes
Talha Hassan on Unsplash

The saying "it's not brain surgery" hasn't meant the same thing to me ever since Ben Carson took his place on the national stage.

The saying "it's not rocket science" doesn't hit the same with me ever since one of my life-long friends became a rocket scientist.

I don't know Ben Carson—just his many public blunders—but in the case of my friend, he's an absolutely brilliant guy.

However I often wonder how my friend managed to survive this long and apparently this isn't an unusual phenomenon.

But more about my friend later at the end of this article.

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person holding black remote control
Erik Mclean on Unsplash

Back in the 1980s the threat of nuclear war was pervasive in daily life.

That fear and paranoia made the TV films Threads and The Day After particularly effective. People were genuinely terrified or traumatized.

Both told the story of an atomic apocalypse, with Threads set in the UK and The Day After in the United States. I wasn’t familiar with Threads until about 5 years ago, but The Day After was a TV event everyone seemed to be talking about in the USA.

But fear inducing isn't quite the same as creepy.

For creepy, you need something like The Twilight Zone, Creepshow or Night Gallery.

Keep reading... Show less