Listen to me, if you never take another piece of advice in your life, take this one: take any advice anyone gives you with a grain of salt. Yes, I'm fully aware of the irony happening in this article right now.
I've been on the receiving end of TERRIBLE advice. Example: I was explaining to an acquaintance how frustrating it can sometimes feel to be so short - not just because I can't reach things or because of my spinal pain, but because people often treat me like a child. They unintentionally treat me like I'm dumb, naive or otherwise incapable. That's when this person hatched their master criminal plot for my life.
I should just go ahead and park in handicapped spots and ignore any tickets I got for it. According to them, since I have occasional spinal problems I should probably have a tag anyway. I could just ignore tickets until I had to go to court, then show up in court and play naive and nobody would ever really punish me for it. Dude. No.
One Reddit user asked:
What's the worst piece of advice you've received?
Believe it or not, it gets worse. Here are some responses:
No Mom, No.
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My mom told me that if I like a girl I should just follow her everywhere she went and give her gifts, like a vial of my blood (actually said that).
No mom. No.
- huazzy
Sleep.
"Never go to bed angry."
This was written in lots of wedding cards! We totally ignored this advice. Because if you're tired and getting more cranky you're more likely say something you will regret. We just sleep on it and in the morning, if its still worth discussing, you can go in with a clear head - or sometimes its not worth bringing up and you can both move on with your day.
Never Trust The Roommate
Dating a girl in Uni, her roommate told me she "loves an*l, but is shy about saying it."
I learned:
A) Always discuss an*l in advance
B) Never trust the roommate
No Effort Needed
To not put any effort into finding a partner. Just sit back and it will happen.
That might have worked once when people were more social and went to church regularly and things like that. Also it was common in the past for older people to make an effort to introduce single people to each other. Society just isn't like that anymore.
When I was single, my way of life put me into contact with very few people who were actually single and eligible and interested in me in return. If I hadn't put the effort in to meet someone I would have remained single.
Your Parents Don't Know Everything
My parents encouraged me to go to a University that costs $63,000 with no financial aid when I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. "You'll figure it out" they said. They also had me deny the federal student loans I was granted through FAFSA as it wasn't worth it.
I transferred, graduate in May, and that 1 year in school is 45% of my 4 year aggregate debt. Declared a Finance major so I can make informed decisions and not rely on their advice. I'm trying to get into one of the best Macc programs in the country and that debt level is seriously inhibiting my ability to go if I get in.
Your parents don't know everything.
Change Him
"Marrying him will make him change."
Followed by...
"Having a kid with him will make him change."
Followed by.....
"Having a second kid with him will make him change."
Followed by....
divorce papers and child support.
Because Other Men...
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I was once taking my buddy's girlfriend for a walk because he asked me to keep her busy while he was at work. While we were walking, I stumbled upon an old high school classmate of mine who gave me that look of "damn, what you got there?"
I didn't pay any attention to it and just kept walking. After a while he sends me a message on my phone, asking me if that's my girlfriend. I told him she wasn't, I told him she was only my buddy's girlfriend who I was keeping busy. He told me to "steal" the girl and I obviously told him that's ridiculous and that I would never do something that disgusting.
His advice to me was: "Just do it because other men will always do it to you." The most ridiculous piece of advice I have ever had the displeasure of hearing.
Just Do It Fast
I was learning to drive and kept nosing out to turn but couldn't see if a car was coming (I am turning they would be going straight). My friend that was teaching me simply said, 'Just do it fast'.
Not Allowed
Both the worst and best advice... I'd just finished my first day of work for a company who'd hired me to work as a DB admin. Instead of doing anything related to the job title, they had me doing data entry all day in excel. I was alright with it, believing that it was just a temporary introduction type thing. Certainly wasn't what I wanted to do.
Brother asked, "So how was your first day?", "Eh, kind of lame. Data entry in excel is boring and I don't get anything out of it."
To which he responded, "Word of advice, you're not allowed to not like any part of your job. You can like some things more, but never dislike something."
I quit the next morning after having a complete nervous breakdown resulting from thoughts like:
"Is this what working is? What's the point of even existing if I'm not allowed to dislike (and subsequently try to avoid) jobs? Why would I ever want to go through life doing what I hate and trying to smile about it like it's alright?"
I certainly reacted more poorly to that experience than I had to any before in my life, but it made me realize that I would rather be homeless or dead than live working a job I hate for someone I've never even met in a company that doesn't care about me.
I work for myself now, and sure there are still things I have to do for my own business that I may not like... and I may not be all that successful, but everything I do now is for me. I love what I do and wouldn't trade it for any amount of financial security.
Break Up Because You're Happy
Some of my high school friends told me to break up with my boyfriend because we didn't fight. Apparently that meant there was no passion in our relationship. We didn't fight because we discussed problems in a rational manner, rather than screaming at each other in public displays (which were common among this group of friends).
Fifteen years later, I'm happily married to said boyfriend, and haven't talked to those 'passionate' friends since high school ended.
Hate Who You Love
My mom gave me awful relationship advice: you have to hate who you love. It makes no sense to me. She's been in a terrible loveless marriage which explains the advice .... but ye gods woman! Keep that shit to yourself.
WTF Is A Gay Laundromat?
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My former friend's dumbass husband was asking me once why I don't date. I'm a gay woman and, at the time, I lived in a smallish town south of Boston. There were opportunities, but I had grown tired of the search. So I just told him something like "I don't know, I guess I don't know where to look" ... and then he told me to go into the city and find a gay laundromat to do my laundry at and then I can meet people. I just kinda tipped my head and looked at him and said "sure...,.great idea."
What the f*ck is a gay laundromat?!
"Free" Money
Borrow against your 401K to buy yourself "toys". His logic was that you only owe yourself money so its basically "free" money.
He was 41 and I was 20. That man will never see retirement. lol
- Archer_F
Just Get Fake Ones
"You don't have to take care of your teeth, you're gonna get your adult teeth and even then, you could just get fake ones," said my dad to 9 year old me. So as a kid I formed a shit habit and then depression took hold and made it a billion times worse.
Now at 27 years old I've got an appointment on Friday for approval to get dental surgery to remove 7 teeth (4 of them wisdom teeth) and already had 2 teeth taken out a few years ago. It's my fault of course, but his advice didn't really help anything, lol.
Setting You Up For Failure
My former boss advised me to buy a house about a week before he laid me off.
- Siiw
See What It's Like
I don't want to have kids but my mom told me to just have one and see what it's like. Mom, there's no free trial to parenthood and it sounds totally not worth it either way.
The Bad Cells
At my local barber a very old patron declared we could cure breast cancer if the president would make breastfeeding mandatory. I quote "it sucks the bad cells out".
- Ediolon
A Mountain Of Privilege
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"You need to find yourself! Don't rot away at some horrible office job! Go climb that mountain! Seriously, what happened to the dreamers out there?"
I had no words since I worked my ass off to get a stable cushy office job that pays decently all in an air conditioned building with free coffee. College debt, working through college, living with parents for a long time, the sacrifices they made so I could get a job like this, etc etc.
F*ck you for thinking what I do is terrible. Issue is, she was a white suburban girl that had wealthy parents. Go figure.
The Reason
To view everything with "everything happens for a reason" in mind.
Depending on how you look at it, it's either a great saying or a miserable one. Yes, everything happens for a reason. The reason is what you actually control, not from some higher up spirit that is controlling each and every action.
"Oh no I failed my exam."
"It's ok dude, everything happens for a reason!"
Yeah you failed your f*cking test because you didn't study. THAT was the reason.
There are so many things that you are in control of in your life, and you'll never learn from failure/disappointment if you just chalk everything up to being chance instead of recognizing some fault of your own.
- EqualBad
Just Stop
In a private hospital with severe anxiety 6 weeks after watching a fella die trapped in a car in front of me. "Just stop thinking about it". Yes Thank-you for that gem.
- skibba25
If I'm in the mood for some confrontation, I ask them to explain, in details, how not to think of something.
- high_pH_bitch
"Just stop wanting to not be alone" thanks Karen, I'll just flick off the switch that makes me horribly codependent and compulsively lonely. Best get back to your f*cking barbecue or whatever.
- wamirul
So what's the worst piece of advice you've ever gotten? Tell us your stories.
H/T: Reddit
I can tell you from experience that airplanes are not a good idea. Don't ask me how I know. A lady never kisses and tells, but highlights are ok. There will never be enough room and the movies are lying.
Like Glue...
Melissa Mccarthy Falling GIFGiphy"I lived in Australia for a bit and our studio had this black pleather couch. It looked exactly like that casting couch meme so we tried it for fun once. My ex sweats a lot even when it's not 40C out, but it was and we stuck to the couch like glue."
The Sting
"On a hike in a wildlife refuge. We went off the trail to a more remote area. Was all fun and games tell I got stung on the penis. Was after the event had ended when I was briefly exposed, the little moron went right at me. We joke about it regularly, I'd say it comes up monthly. Just out of the blue she will say "hey remember when you got stung on your penis?" Yes, I remember and will never forget."
Up a Tree
"A "treehouse" that was actually a plywood shack on 6' stilts. It was pretty old and the plywood was splintery, so he laid down an old towel for me (you know, like a gentleman.) Also it was too small for me to fit in any direction, so my head stuck out the door. I stared at the sky and just... And that's the story of how I lost my virginity! A close second would be the bed in his semi-abandoned house full of the semi-abandoned hoarded belongings of his mother. But that's a different story."
Walk Away...
"Met a girl online and we tried to do it at the park. A cop showed up before we started and told us we had to leave. We went back to our cars which was at a small shopping mall. We went behind the shopping mall and got it on behind a dumpster. It worked out well so we met up there again a week later. Except that time, as we were walking away, a dump truck picked the dumpster to empty the trash. Was hilarious at the time but frightening looking back on it. This was about 10 years ago."
Keyed Off
Piano Performing GIFGiphy"I don't recommend on top of a piano. Very uncomfortable and not at all the experience we envisioned."
Scratchy...
Screaming The Voice GIF by NBCGiphy"Bottom of cliff next to the ocean. Turns out I have an allergic reaction to coral and my back was scratched the hell up from it. It was windy, wet, and itchy. Runner up is a movie theatre."
Smoked
"In a literal smoke house... lost my virginity with about 50 rings of deer sausage hanging around to dry. My friend and his dad were gone and we were like "this seems like a great place!" At least when I went home I smelled like venison instead of sex."
"Well, if you find yourself stuck in a rut, it'll be something to fawn over."
Hey Fam...
"I'm not sure if this counts because we didn't get very far. But In a Burger King parking lot… He had a car, so we would park it someplace and hook up in the tiny little two-seater. I was sitting astride him and most of my clothes were off when he froze. I looked over my shoulder and the once abandoned parking lot was abandoned no more. A family of four were just staring at us through the windshield. We didn't know what to do so I just put my shirt back on and we drove away."
"we can hear everything"
"My childhood house had an enclosed porch that was level with my parents' bedroom window (it's hard to explain). You couldn't see into the porch from the window, but if the porch windows were open and the bedroom windows were open you could hear everything from either room."
"So my now husband and I were trying to have sex in that porch, having opened the windows cuz it was hot AH. My parents usually never opened their window and it was past ten, when they usually went to sleep. We weren't trying to be loud, but apparently we were."
"After we were done, I checked my phone and I had 5 missed calls and a text from my mother saying "we can hear everything" and "please at least use a condom". We didn't acknowledge it at the time but my mom got drunk a few years ago and told my aunt the story and said she was worried she was hearing the conception of her grandchild."
Ivy!
jerry seinfeld help GIF by HULUGiphy"After a drunken night on 6th st in Austin, girl and I were walking down red river st, she drags me in this bushy grassy area, we go at it, finish, call an Uber to west campus, continue going at it. The next day, we are super itchy, come to find later it was poison ivy, got it all over our genitals. Fun times. 10/10 would do it again though."
Also, be careful when and if you do it on a bus. You're never fully out of the driver's line of sight. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. Be careful out there but have fun.
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Redditor Pooky135790 wanted to know:
"What are the best adult jokes that are hidden in kids movies?"
These scenes really had us rolling.
Shrek definitely has a few innuendos.
"In Shrek talking about Snow White:"
"'Although she lives with 7 other men, she's not easy.'"
"Gets me every time!"
- Sregge
"The whole Duloc opening scene with the singing puppets. 'Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your…….face.'"
"Also in Shrek: when they get to Farquuad's castle, they note the large size of it, and Shrek asks if Farquuad is compensating for something."
"This joke is great because everyone can laugh at it."
"Kids will think it's a joke about his height."
"Adults will think it's a joke about his other kind of height."
Lord Farquaad Ok GIF by PeacockTVGiphyCars had plenty of jokes.
"In Cars when the two Miata ladies flash their pop-ups at McQueen"
"I didn't realize for years that that was the connotation."
"Look at that scene again and look at the photographers behind Mia."
"It took me a second but I think the one directly in the middle is zooming in on their posteriors lmfao."
- -Paint
lightning mcqueen car GIF by Disney PixarGiphy"Also the Piston Cup. 'He did what in his cup?!' Funny enough 10 year old me got that and my dad didn't."
"Also in Cars, when Mack is driving down the highway and wants to pull over into a truck stop to rest, the sign at the truck stop says 'Top Down Truck Stop, All Convertible Waitresses.'"
Robots had it's fair share of moments.
"In Robots the [father of the] main character and his wife get the parts for their robot child and exclaim, 'Making the baby's the fun part!'"
"Also the old lady bot, Aunt Fanny, has a lot of junk in her trunk."
Oh, Ratatouille.
"There is that one scene from Ratatouille, when Linguini is about to confess about how Remy is in his hat cooking for him, and says 'I... have... a little... tiny...' and right after he says tiny, Collette quickly glances down at his pants. I never even noticed it until someone pointed it out to me because it is pretty subtle and can be easy to miss."
"Seriously the best dick joke in a kid's movie."
"That and the time when the short lil chef guy catches linguini in the pantry and says, 'One can become to familiar with vegetables, you know!'"
ratatouille flirting GIF by Disney PixarGiphyCoco really went there!
"In Coco, everybody laughs when they say Hector died 'choking on chorizo.'"
"'Choking on chorizo' is Mexican slang for sucking d*ck."
"I mean the song Hector sings to his dying friend has the implied, but not spoken, lyrics: 'And her tits they drag on the floor...' (he says 'knuckles' but the guy shouts, 'those aren't the words!')."
- TerH2
What a forgotten gem Monster House was.
"Monster House."
"'That's it's uvula!' 'Oh.... So it's a girl house....'"
"Rick and Morty gets a lot of hate around here because of the sh*tty fan base, but Dan Harmon is a genuinely funny writer."
"Could not BELIEVE Dan Harmon was a writer on this 'til I googled Monster House; your point is a good one lol."
Even in Frozen.
"'Foot size doesn't matter' - when Anna from Frozen talks about her fiancé."
"Frozen 2, 'I like you better in leather anyway' when Kristoff dresses up for Anna at the end."
"My boyfriend and roommate and I all watched it and all three of us spat our drinks at that and we all did the 'Did we just hear what we think we heard?' look. Then we laughed for like 10 solid minutes."
Not a movie, but still good.
"There was an episode of Dexter's laboratory where the father kept going on about Dexter's mother's muffin, and saying he only married her for her muffin. The whole episode was filled with innuendo."
"'Your father is a muffin fiend, a muff-o-maniac, just the aroma can make him crazy.' Lol. Had to see it for myself."
"Season 2 ep 18 The Muffin King."
"There was the episode about DeeDee and Dexter having decoder rings! DeeDee says Dexter's club is for big 'I-D-K-S-C' Dexter decodes it, gasps, and says he's gonna tell mom. Lol."
Whispering French GIFGiphyChildren's shows may be for kids entertainment, but they're created by adults. No doubt they're going to slip in a few naughty jokes here and there.
Time to re-watch some old favorites and see what we missed when we were younger.
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