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The Most Toxic Things Parents Can Say To A Child

The Most Toxic Things Parents Can Say To A Child
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In the heat of the moment, we can say some of the cruelest things ever to someone we love.

It's a mortifying situation knowing you've hurt the person who thinks the world of you and the resulting guilt afterward can be too much to take.

But we've all been there.

And it's especially worse when regretful things are said to your kid.


Curious to hear examples of atrocious adult behavior, Redditor Few_Reading_4822 asked:

"What is the most toxic thing a parent can say to a child?"

They say sticks and stones and all, but words can hurt and their effects can be traumatizing.

"Useless"

"that i'm f'king useless and can't do sh*t because I couldn't open a jar of tomato sauce for my mom at 1am."

– ianKenzo

Not Being Valued

"You're worthless."

– [deleted]

Divorced Parents

"In my experience, divorced parents that say stuff like :"

"Don't talk about that to your [other parent]" "Tell your [other parent] this" "Your [other parent] is trying to manipulate you." "You see what [other parent] did ? I'm not saying you should hate them, but isn't bit f'ked up that they did that ?"

"It really screws with the kid's head. If you're ever going through a divorce and have children, please find a way to sort your sh*t with your former spouse without involving your children more than necessary."

– Loa_Ex_Machina

Parents have issues. But maybe they should keep them to themselves.

About Your Mother

"You know, my parents never divorced, but my aunt, who had an awful sibling inferiority complex, would always tell me these sorts of things about my mom and it’s kind of a similar dynamic. 'I bet your mom doesn’t love you because she always gave me and our sister a cold shoulder', 'your mom’s an awful woman,' 'I feel bad for you that she’s your mom,' etc.

"She was totally right about my mom, but still, keep it to yourself, you sad wino."

– Jmrwacko

Scene At A Pizza Parlor

"We're moving and you're not welcome"

"This is what my dad said to me while blackout drunk, after he took my sister's pizza that I made, ate it in front of me, and then threw the pizza at me after I asked him why he's like that and walked away. We were supposed to be moving to a new place the next couple weeks after this fight."

– LiaLovesCookies

Nowhere To Go

"My sister’s childhood best friend lived with us for several years because her mother made good on that very threat. Her parents were divorced and her father lived out of the area. Her mother decided she wanted to move and told the girl that her bother was moving too but she wasn’t welcome and could go live with her father instead."

"My sister’s friend didn’t want to move to were her father lived so she moved in with us and lived with us until she went away to college 5 years later."

– DeaddyRuxpin

You're Next

"i kicked your mom out and i can kick you out as well."

– Mandrake_m2

Some people just aren't fit to be parents.

Cases in point...

The Accused

"'So you're saying that I'm a bad parent' in response to any form of help-seeking of constructive criticism was the worst for me."

–Derpchieftain

Passive Parenting

"My mom laughed at me when I said that I most likely have a mental illness or a disorder. Then she asked me if my grades were okay and I said yes, then she replied that it's okay."

"I've been asking her to get me therapy for almost 7 years now :)"

– shyshyshy014

Siblings Pitted Against Each Other

"Constantly comparing you with your older siblings, and extremely different treatment. It makes you feel inferior to them and like no matter how much you try or do, it will never be enough."

– [deleted]

It's Not Okay

"Okay"

"Over and over again for years and years. Any accomplishment any trial passed any challenge won."

"Just 'okay.'"

– Evergladeleaf

Whether you've meant them or not, the negative things you've said to a child because you were frustrated over a fleeting moment, will never be fleeting in the mind of a child.

As many of these Redditors have shared, some scars last a lifetime.

Epic Clapbacks
Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

The only thing more satisfying than wiping the smirk off the face of some mean girl, mansplainer, or smarmy smarty pants is reading about it. And although some say revenge is a dish best-served cold, these Quora clap backs are comin’ in very hot. In fact, you may want to pop an Ozempic before diving into all of this sweet, sweet revenge.

Unwarranted

man in grey crew-neck t-shirt smiling to woman on counterPhoto by Clay Banks on Unsplash

This happened a few years ago when my wife and I were buying an iPad for our teenage daughter. We went to a UK computer chain called “iStore”. They aren’t part of Apple, they just picked a name that made it obvious what they specialized in. My daughter and wife had picked out the model and a case and headed to the register.

The idiot at the register, however, decided that what iStore really needed was the revenue from an extra warranty. My wife told him, “No, thanks”. He persisted and again, she said, “No, thanks”. I was standing pretty far away from them—very much NOT at the till with them. Then the sales guy turned to me, and said, “Are you sure she doesn’t need an extended warranty”? I wasn't having any of it.

I ignored him and turned to my wife. “Do you want to go? We can just buy it on Amazon”. My wife agreed with me. The sales guy looked at me open-mouthed, and I said, “You’ve lost the sale. She was the customer”. I can only hope that he learned about assuming that the woman could be overruled that day.

Right Back At Ya

It was my freshman year of high school and my parents had recently divorced. My mom, siblings, and I moved to a small town in upstate Pennsylvania. It was difficult enough dealing with family dynamics, let alone moving to a new town. During my first week at my new high school, I was trying to find my way around the school and get familiar with the teachers.

Most of the kids there had known one other for years. They had grown up together. I was an outsider with a weird accent and a different style. Some kids were very kind and welcoming. Others were cruel, unkind, and very stuck-up. In English class, I just so happened to sit in front of a girl who was one of the stuck-up kind.

The teacher asked me to introduce myself and share where I was from. So, I did. After I finished, we were told that there would be a pop quiz. The teacher asked me to take it so she could gauge my skills. As the teacher was handing out the quiz papers, the girl sitting behind me tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around to look at her.

She leaned in and said with a smirk, “Special ed is down the hall”. I just looked at her for a second, blinked, and then turned around. I was slightly irritated. This girl had no idea who I was, and yet she had already made up her mind about who I was…and wasn’t. Yep, I was fully irritated at that point. I filled out the quiz and handed it in for immediate grading.

As the teacher handed all the quizzes back she said, “There was only one student in the whole class who got a 100% on the quiz. Do you want to know who that is? It’s the new student”. She looked at me and said, “Congratulations! If only everyone else would do that well on the next quiz”. I turned around and looked at the girl behind me.

I gave her a big smile and said, “Remember, special ed is down the hall”. The smirk on her face disappeared in a flash. She didn’t say a word.

Nice One!

I met this guy at a party who thought he was really special because was a corporate lawyer. When he asked me what I did for a living, I told him that I was a computer programmer. “Oh yeah”, he said with a sneer. I could tell he was about to try me. “You’re one of those guys who take perfectly clear requests and turn them into some obscure language that only other people in your profession understand”. “That’s right”, I replied. “Just like a corporate lawyer”.

A Truth-Or-Dare Tip

woman in gray crew neck t-shirt standing beside woman in black and gray long sleevePhoto by Adam Winger on Unsplash

A few months ago, I was at a sleepover with some of my friends and we decided to play truth or dare. I didn’t exactly get along with one of the girls there—let’s call her “M”. Anyway, I chose “dare” and M decided to dare me to jump out of the window. This was especially cruel of her because she knew I had a friend who ended her life that way.

I jumped out of the ground floor window and then it was M’s turn. She also chose to dare. I dared her to go home—and her next move took me by surprise. She did go home. It was absolutely, hands down the best feeling in the world to see that petty smirk get wiped off her face. She couldn’t exactly refuse because the other girls, who were also angry about the window dare, peer pressured her into leaving.

You’re Not The Boss Of Me

I had the unfortunate experience of coming face-to-face with my old school tormentor at, of all places, work. We had gone to school together all the way from kindergarten to graduation. I was dismayed to learn that he had just been hired as an entry-level shipping clerk and was leaving the HR office on his way back out to the warehouse.

He proceeded to tell me how wonderful his life was, how successful he was, how much money he had, and so on. He then asked me in a very snide way: “So what have you done with your life”? Like I had accomplished nothing in the 10 years since we last saw each other in high school. My simple reply: “Well, you are standing in my office, please shut the door on your way out.”

I’m not normally one to pull rank on someone, but this guy deserved it. The look on his face was priceless, and, yes, he did shut the door on his way out.

Respect The Hustle

I was 21 and my younger brother Kenneth was 11. It was a Friday, and I took him to the lake because I was off work. At about 12:30, we went to a burger place to get some lunch. They had one pool table there, and Kenneth was watching four college kids play. Back then it was 25 cents to play and they were playing for a dollar a game and the challenger paid for the game.

My brother said, “Gimme a buck and a quarter”. All right, sure. I had an idea of what was coming. He walked over and said he wanted to play. The guy who had won the last game said he didn’t want to take a kid’s money, so I said, “It’s my money. Don’t worry about it, just let him have a game”. OK. There were four guys, about 20, shaking their heads and grinning.

Kenneth breaks hard and sinks a ball. He ran four more after that and then barely missed a bank shot. Those guys’ grins were gone. The other guy took his shot, missed, and then Kenneth ran the rest of the table. It was hilarious. Now all those guys were drinking and laughing every time he sunk a tough shot—saying things like, “No way”! and “Jeezus Christ!”

Kenneth picked up the two bucks and said, “Anybody wants to play”? They all did. One after another, they all lost, along with the waiter and two more guys who came in. We were there for hours. He made about twenty bucks. It was the funniest buck and a quarter I ever spent. The kid had been standing on a box and playing pool in our garage since he was four.

And Not A Moment Too Soon

woman in white spaghetti strap top standing on the seashorePhoto by Ryan Moreno on Unsplash

One day my first husband had his friends over and was trying to be the big man by poking fun at me and generally being a jerk. His friends were asking why I didn’t have much in the flat and he said that I only cared about my clothes. Then came the fat jokes followed by orders to feed him and his mates. One of his friends tried to shut him up by telling him he shouldn’t speak to me or anyone like that. His reaction was blood-boiling.

He just laughed it off. Another friend tried warning him by saying that if I left my husband would be in trouble because I had the money. As I walked into the room, my husband looked at me and said, “Nah, she won’t leave me, she loves me too much, don’t ya”? I replied, “Actually, Paul, I filed for divorce a week ago and since you won’t leave, I will”.

He didn’t know I’d already packed a suitcase. Just like that, I left, but not before enjoying seeing him sit there with his mouth open wide like a basking shark, but nowhere near as cute or intelligent.

Put Up Your Dukes

I’m a boxer, and this one time the kid I was supposed to be fighting came to my changing room and told me that he’d stab me if I won our match. He was a little taller than me but he was VERY skinny and I’m quite toned. When we touched gloves he had a huge smirk and looked oh so very confident. We walked out on the first bell and had a pretty even round.

After the second bell, he boldly stormed out and straight into my body shot—and he COLLAPSED. He went into the neutral corner and promptly threw up everywhere. Needless to say, he didn’t stab me and I never had to see his indulgent smirk ever again.

Horrifying Teachable Moment

When I was a cop, I worked in CSI but I was also part of the special victims unit. One of my frequent assignments was to go talk to community college classes about serious offenses. Invariably as I began, there would always be a few males leaning back in their chairs and smirking. I started by quietly discussing a recent atrocity in our town…

A woman had been in the hall putting clothes in the washer when she had been jumped. The aftermath was appalling—the assailant used a blade to pierce her more than 70 times. The medical examiner and I tried to count the wounds by laying a sheet of paper over the body and marking each one. But in some places, they ran together. She had tried to crawl down the hall to her bedroom, trying to reach the phone.

The assailant followed her down the hall and watched her perish. As I was speaking, the young men would slowly sit up straight, the smirks would leave their faces, and they would pay close attention to the rest of my talk.

Touché

two men talkingPhoto by LinkedIn Sales Solutions on Unsplash

I was with my friend and our respective partners, discussing wedding plans. Since we were good mates, it went without saying that we would be each other’s best man. At least until my friend’s other half took us by surprise: “Can you even be the best man? Isn’t the best man supposed to be single”? To which I replied, “I don’t know. Isn’t the bride supposed to be a virgin”?

Do You Know Who I Am?

I am an old, 60-plus white lady, and I don’t really look the part for some of my pastimes. One time I went to an opera that featured whirling dervishes as part of the performance. During the intermission, I was commenting on the form of some of the whirlers and the finer points of whirling to my companion. A man standing nearby must have been listening.

After eavesdropping for a while, he turned to me and said rather snarkily: “Oh, because you’re such an expert on whirling”? I calmly replied, “Well, kind of, since I’m their teacher and I trained them”. The look of surprise on his face was priceless. I enjoyed watching him whirl around and quickly scamper away without another word!

Satisfaction Guaranteed

I was working the register on a very busy Saturday. There was a constant flow of customers, but this wasn’t my first rodeo. I’m especially good at making change. I rang up a customer and gave her the total. She pulled out $50 and began digging in her purse for coins. I rang up the next customer, took their payment, and was about to start on the third customer.

I was watching customer number one, as she dug for change. She then put her $50 back in her wallet and stood there expectantly with her 15 cents, waiting for her change on the $50. I patiently explained that I still needed the $50. I had seen her put the cash back in her wallet and so had my co-worker who was standing beside me. This customer is now holding up the line.

Her husband came to see what the holdup was. She told him, “I gave her $50, but she doesn’t remember taking it”. Of course, she said this loud enough for the 20 people waiting in line to hear. Now I point to the camera that is watching my every move. She smugly asks to review the footage—a request she'd soon regret. I took her $50, and she can’t wait to prove it.

The owner came down to talk to her and review the footage. The customer was indeed wrong and got back in line to pay. She couldn’t look me in the eye. “I guess I was wrong”, she said. That was her apology. I took her money and told her to have a nice day. I’m good at three things. Being a mother, standing my ground, and not taking flak when I know I’m right.

Pitch Perfect

two people playing Sony PS4 game consolePhoto by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash

I was at the mall with a friend and as we got to the food court, I noticed that there were two small TVs where people were lining up to play FIFA 20. While my friend was ordering food, I decided to play seeing as it had been a while. I left her and went over. There were only guys in line and they all gave me the most annoying look. One of them asked, “You wanna play”?

I said that I did and he responded, “Aw, that’s cute. You’ll play next”. When my turn came, I beat him. Now, I’m not good at FIFA. I just happen to have brothers who ARE good. They are so good that when I play against other people, I feel like a legend because I’ve played with the best. I can literally count the number of times I’ve beat my brothers in any match, on one hand.

The guy I beat went off about how he’d gone easy on me because I was a girl. He had a lot of excuses. I didn’t care though. Then the next guy came—and he was something else. He was so arrogant. He started making those chauvinistic comments about how I might be cute, but he was going to “show me how the game is played”. By halftime, I was leading with a score of 1–0. The match ended at 2–1. I won.

He was a sore loser and he asked for a rematch but I had to leave so we agreed we’d only play the first half. By the time it was halftime, I was sitting on a score of 2–0. I beat him. Twice. He was so embarrassed and I may have been a bit smug about it. When I left, I was tempted to say something about the final score being cute, but I decided to let it go.

Very Mean Girl

As a teen, I remember being out of class for a parent, student, and teacher meeting to discuss my progress. When I returned to class, I noticed that the girl I was sitting next to was smirking. Before I could sit back down, she said, “Can you go get me some coloring pencils”? I said no as I found her behavior suspicious.

She sighed and got up. I pulled out my chair and I saw it was COVERED in glue. So I switched the chairs and sat down. She returned and sat down while looking at me laughing. I decided to play dumb. “What’s so funny”? I asked completely poker-faced. “I glued your chair”! She could hardly get out her words because she was laughing so hard.

I smirked and laughed with her and said, ”I’ve just swapped it with yours”! I was really trying not to laugh. Her face fell. It was absolutely priceless! She soon changed her tune and refused to speak to me for the rest of the class.

Drive-Thru Rain Man

I hit the drive-thru late one night after school and handed the cashier a $20 for my $6 meal. She handed me $4 and closed her window, expecting me to move on. But I didn’t. I knocked on the window, ignoring the honking behind me, until she opened it and asked me what was wrong. I said in an even tone, “The change should be $14, not $4”.

She told me that I gave her a $10 bill and was fairly adamant about it. When she began to close her window, I asked if I could speak to her manager. It was late and it was possible that I could have handed her a $10 rather than a $20, but I have a habit that I’ve fallen into because of a similar situation. I now memorize the serial numbers on large bills before I hand them over…

The manager listened to my request for the extra $10, looked at the receipt, and then pointed out that the girl had put in $10 as the money was submitted. The girl is looking annoyed and has the classic “I told you so” look on her face. I asked the manager to look at the top $20 bill in her drawer and proceeded to recite the serial number.

The cashier’s face was stuck in shock and awe when the manager asked me to do that again and I repeated the numbers for her. I was given my correct change and an apology before driving on to the next window for my meal.

A Daughter-In-Law Strikes Back

woman lying on sofaPhoto by Inside Weather on Unsplash

My mother-in-law is a well-practiced shrew. I wear a size 12 but I consistently get 3X and 4X tops from her for Christmas. One time she even told my husband that I wanted to buy a house in the woods so I would have a place to bury him after I butchered him. There are so many crazy comments, smirks, and insults that I could write a book.

When my husband and I moved into our new house, I rented a moving truck for the day and my mother-in-law and my husband’s stepdad showed up, presumably to help, as did his dad. My hubby and his stepdad were taking forever to decide which way to take things in for the upstairs and downstairs, and at that rate, I was going to need to rent the truck for a week. I just knew something was coming.

My father-in-law had just had four toes amputated and I didn’t expect him to be able to do anything, but I had managed to wrangle our sofa off the truck and he looked at me and said, “Can you get that end”? I grabbed it and we headed to the house with it. Hubby’s mom called out and said “Oh Cindy, you’re more of a man than me”!

As I went by her, I stared into that evil face and said, “Yup, and more of a woman too”. Her face flushed and she looked like she wanted to kill me. She was only married to my father-in-law for 10 months and she got even madder when he dropped the sofa and was rolling on the ground laughing like a hyena. Ah, good times!

Read The Room

When I was eight, I loved reading books. At the time, my favorite was Jane Eyre. At the time, I understood about half of the words, and even if I didn’t understand what they meant, I could sound them out. One day, I was reading this book at a relative’s house. Everyone was so chatty, and being a quiet child back then, I just sat there and read.

One of my cousins, whom we’ll call Belle, was really, really annoying. When she saw that I was reading Jane Eyre at that age, she pointed to me gleefully and exclaimed, “Look! Look, everyone! She’s reading Jane Eyre at age eight! As if she can even understand it”! Correction: I was quiet but sassy. I stood up and asked, “What’s it to you?”

I guess rudeness ran in their family because Belle’s mother rolled her eyes at me and said, “If you’re so smart, why don’t you read a part for us”? I gave her a wry smile, cleared my throat, and began to read. Somehow, even though I didn’t understand half the words in the paragraph, I was able to sound them out all right.

After I successfully read a few paragraphs, Belle’s mother cleared her throat and cut me off. Her eyes were glassy, scared, and ashamed. They were cast to the floor as her face slowly turned a beautiful beetroot red. Belle huffed and ran into her room, slamming the door. I just sat there, smirked for a brief moment, and went back to reading—silently this time.

Birthday Beef

Roll back more than 40 years ago to my very first job out of college—an engineer at a car manufacturer. I had been on the job for a month, and it was quite low-level. At one point, I was assigned to deliver some hot reports to the plant manager’s office. I walked into a birthday party. I asked who was having a birthday and was directed to the assistant plant manager.

I politely wished him a happy birthday. He gave me a flirty look, popped out his chest, and told me he just turned 43. Everyone was telling him how good he looked. Obviously, I had the scent of fresh meat in what would be considered a poisonous workplace today. They didn't expect it when I deadpanned: “Why, you’re just a year older than my Dad, his birthday is next week”. He deflated like a balloon.

And for the record, my dad is way younger-looking.

Best Parting Shot Ever

woman facing on white counterPhoto by Christiann Koepke on Unsplash

I was counting my change as I left the checkout when I noticed that the cashier made a mistake. I started to tell her this, but she cut me off and said, “I NEVER make mistakes”! I shrugged and started to head toward the door, but as I walked away, I dropped the mic: “OK then. Just remember that tonight, when your till is $10 short”!

That’s Just Like, Uh, Your Opinion, Man

I met my husband at work. We had a colleague who didn’t like me. I’m not sure why but, you know, it happens. My now-husband mentioned to this colleague that he liked me (this was before we got together), and her response was, “I’m surprised. Wouldn’t you want to go out with someone who is classier and less straightforward”? This had no effect on me—because I was about to shove it in her face.

I guess he didn’t agree with her because a few weeks later he and I were an item. One night, we went to the pub with a few work people, including this woman, and I kissed my husband, turned to her, and smiled winningly. All I can say is that her expression was very pleasing.

Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind?

Shortly after my now-husband and I started dating, he took me to his hometown to meet his friends Brant and Tommy. While we were there, my then-boyfriend was sitting on the floor in front of me and I was massaging his shoulders. After a few minutes, Tommy looked at me and asked, “When do I get a massage”? I smiled sweetly—then I dropped the hammer: “When you get a girlfriend”.

The look on both Brant's and Tommy’s faces, not to mention my boyfriend’s, was utter, priceless astonishment. After we left, my boyfriend explained that I was the first girl he had ever known to turn down Tommy for any attention. He said that more than one of his previous girlfriends had given Tommy any and all of the attention he requested.

Years later, my husband admitted to me that the moment I turned down Tommy was the moment he knew that I was “the one”. To me, it wasn’t even a difficult decision because Tommy kinda gave me the creeps.

Pole Position

three people sitting in front of table laughing togetherPhoto by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

When I was in college, the cancer-stick area was the place to relax during breaks between classes. Everyone would gather, smoker or not, to talk and hang out. I met tons of new people every day. We would get a lot of different personalities shining through, some of which screamed “entitled”. Now, I’m Polish. However, due to my very British accent, you’d never guess it in a million years.

I’d hear talk about politics, immigration, and the sorts almost daily. On this particular day, I was with a bunch of friends who were talking about said topics. I wasn’t chiming in, but rather just quietly listening to their opinions. Then a very entitled person entered the conversation and instantly started bashing the Poles. Things were about to get interesting.

My friends took one look at me, and I just tried not to laugh. I think they realized it would be best not to say anything just yet. This entitled person was ranting about how immigrants should “go back to their own country” and how “lazy” Polish people are. He went on and on without anyone else interrupting.

Mr. Entitled decided to chime in with one more comment. “I’ve never met a Pole who bothers to speak English and actually does something productive”. To which I finally responded, “Well, today’s your lucky day. Here I am”. His face went through a few phases of confusion, realization, shock, and embarrassment. My friends began laughing and I just stood there smirking.

Been There, Done That

My paternal grandfather worked with a bunch of guys who in the early days of paintball would go every weekend and crow about how good they were. They kept asking my grandfather if he would like to go but he always politely declined. One day, one of the more obnoxious guys said he knew why my grandfather didn’t want to go.

He announced loudly that it was because my grandfather was afraid. He messed with the wrong man. My grandfather quietly replied that he had done something similar for five years in the early 1940s in Africa, Italy, and Germany.

Always Treat Your Servers Well

This happened while I was working as a roaming drink vendor at a local sports venue. A young man waved me over to purchase a brew. He looked a little on the young side to me, and since my employer had been giving the drink vendors a whole lot of grief about making sure our customers were of drinking age, I asked the guy to show some ID.

This did not seem to sit well with him because he made a huge display in front of his even younger-looking date about how stupid it was that I had to ask for ID and how I was wasting his time…blah, blah, blah. He finally finished his rant and handed me his driver’s license. He was 21—barely. He and his date were treating me like I was a moron for even considering asking for ID. Well, I decided to give them what they deserved.

So, instead of handing him his drink, I flipped his driver’s license back to him and said, “I’m sorry, sir. You not only have to be 21, but you also have to act like it”! And off I went, no worse for the encounter.

The Fabulous Furry What?

a group of people in a room with a projector screenPhoto by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

The lecture portion of my university biology class was held in an auditorium where I usually chose a seat near the back. There was a guy who sat a couple of seats away from me and seemed contemptuous of me from the get-go. I should note that this prof taught straight from the book. He had slides that were mostly just a synopsis of each paragraph.

Since I learn better by reading than hearing, I didn’t always go to class. When I did go, I would only pay half attention while reading something for fun. On one such occasion, Contemptuous Guy barked, “Why do you even come if you’re just going to read some dumb comic book”? I replied, “The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers isn’t just any comic book. Besides, I want to get next week’s assignments”.

I skipped the class after a big exam. When I came back, I got my paper, 65 points. I flipped until I realized it wasn’t 65%, it was raw points. So I asked the guy, “Do you have the grading scale for the exam”? He smugly said, “You need at least a 52 to get a C”. I said, “OK, so is the cutoff for an A above 65”? His eyes narrowed…

“YOU’RE the one who wrecked the curve”? he hissed, angry and shocked. On the rare occasion, I’m able to think of the perfect comeback right on the spot. This was one of those occasions. “Hmm, maybe you should read more comic books,” I said nonchalantly.

How Do You Say “Boom! Roasted” In French?

Some years back, I was taking the train to work when an enormous group of French foreign exchange students boarded. They were mostly in their mid-teens with a few adult supervisors. They took up virtually every seat and most of the standing room. There were only about a dozen people in the car who were not at the party.

I could see that some of the kids were practicing small phrases in English with the regular commuters. They were really excited and clearly had a great time. Some of the commuters were even enjoying responding and it was quite a beautiful scene—or at least it was until the supervisor totally ruined it.

She proclaimed to her students in French that there was no point speaking to any of us because British people are too stupid (her words) to speak English properly, let alone another language. Well, my stop was coming up and my blood was boiling, so I stood up and, in the most strongly projected voice I have ever managed, spoke to everyone in perfect French…

I wished the students a lovely trip and told them that I hoped they would think before judging other people in the future. The supervisor turned the exact shade of a boiled beetroot and did not utter a sound. The coup de grace, however, was when a little old lady piped up: “I bet you weren’t expecting that then, were you”?

Maybe She Was Flirting?

I was sitting beside my sister-in-law’s pool watching my kids swim, having a drink, and talking with my brother-in-law. One of his neighbors got in the pool and swam a half dozen lengths in about three minutes. After that, she got out of the pool, walked over to us, and haughtily proclaimed, “Some of us like to get some exercise”.

I looked back at her and threw her some attitude back: “I ran 11 miles this morning”. She stood there for about 15 seconds trying to come up with a retort, and then finally just turned and walked away. My brother-in-law managed to wait until she was out of earshot before he burst out laughing.

As One Does…

two handsPhoto by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

I’m Jewish and my wife is Armenian. I used to sit next to a Turkish guy at work. Occasionally he and I would have arguments about the Armenian genocide. He, in keeping with official Turkish policy, insisted that it a) never happened and b) was blown way out of proportion. He also claimed that the Armenians were the ones actually doing the slaughtering.

I told him, that I disagreed with him and that the Turks knew exactly what they were doing and it was intensely personal. He smirked and said, “How do you know that”? My response shut him up completely. “My wife’s grandmother was in her house in Chomaklou when a package arrived from the post office. She opened it. Inside it was her husband’s head.”

Well, Allow Me To Retort

I went to a house party many years back, and there was a guy there who was a total loser. He was making rude comments, insulting people, and irritating everyone. We weren’t even sure who he was or how he was invited. Anyway, I grabbed a drink and started playing with Newton’s cradle that was on the host’s living room table.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see the jerk walk over toward me. “Small things amuse small minds”, he chuckled. I replied, without skipping a beat: “In that case, maybe you should take your hands out of your pockets”. The people around us burst out laughing, and, of course, he had no comeback. He just slithered away and I never saw him again for the rest of the evening.

Cold Call

Back in 1988, I took a job delivering wholesale ice in the Washington, DC area. Despite the frigid temperatures one winter, we were very busy with commercial orders for the local sports arenas. We would also occasionally get orders from the larger hotels and convention centers when their own ice machines couldn’t keep up with the demand. I will never forget this moment.

On one particularly cold Sunday morning, I was awakened very early at home by a frantic general manager whose ice machine had failed overnight when the pipes froze. He pleaded with me to rush a pallet of crushed ice to his hotel by 10:00 am for a huge political charity event—the kind where the participants pay $25,000 per plate to hobnob with celebrities.

I hurried out there. While waiting to get paid after unloading, I noticed the kitchen staff all laughing and smirking. When the chef returned with my check I said, “What’s so funny”? He replied, “No offense, but you must be the dumbest person on the planet, driving around with three feet of snow on the ground in the middle of winter trying to sell ice”.

As I took the check, I said, “Nah, I’m not the one buying it”. You could hear a pin drop. As I left, I heard everyone bust out laughing even harder, and the chef yelling at them all to shut the F up.

Ready, Set, Gah!

black traffic light with red lightPhoto by Luke Thornton on Unsplash

I was at a red light and some dude in a modified compact car pulled up next to me and revved the engine while looking over at me with a cocky smirk. This stretch of road was a pretty popular place for people to drag race, and what I could just barely see that my new friend could not see was a cop hiding behind a shrub.

So, I revved my engine back at him. This caused him to laugh and rev his engine even more—but I wanted to really get him going. I started to just barely creep up an inch or so. As soon as the light turned green, I stayed put for a few seconds while he popped the clutch and laid rubber the entire length of the intersection. He was immediately pulled over. I smiled and waved as I slowly drove past.

Judge Not…

When I was in college, I was talking amongst a group of peers about Japanese, Chinese, and Middle Eastern cuisines, which I am extremely passionate about. A woman in the group said, “What would you know about those cultures? You’re just a blond-haired, privileged white man”. I thought, What? But I kept my mouth shut.

A few moments later, we were looking at my photo of a recent family gathering. What do you know? My brother-in-law is Moroccan and was wearing his traditional clothing. He cooked Moroccan food for us daily while living with us. And, oh no, my two brothers are dating girls from Japan who are like sisters to me. The humanity! Wait, two of my cousins are from the Philippines?

You get the picture. Someone in the group said, “Wow [person who insulted me]! You must feel pretty dumb right now”. And I could tell that they did feel pretty dumb. I love my family and I wish we could all stop judging others based on appearance. That’s just extremely shallow. It’s 2020! We’re a huge melting pot. C’mon, folks.

Twists And Turns

A guy was hitting on me in a restaurant bar as my husband Tom and I were waiting for a table. Tom was chatting with the guy next to him, all hunched over and speaking sotto voce, as he often does. I was idly stirring my drink, when this fellow wandered over and started hitting on me. Now, ordinarily, I love to flirt, even with strangers…

This guy, however, reeked of booze and started by putting a hand on my thigh. It wasn’t even a grope; more like an attempt to get his balance. And, yes, he smirked as he said, “So, lovey, wanna go to my place? I’ll show you a good time”. It was too much. WAY too much. I can only hope his friends put him up to it, as a bet, or something.

“Tom”? I said in a sort of panicky voice like I’d spotted a spider or something. Now, you have to understand that my husband, bless his heart, looks like Neanderthal. Seriously. Except he’s 198 cm (six foot six), weighs 127 kg (280 pounds), and he’s built like a Bulgarian weightlifter. He has deep-set eyes, a thick nose, a sloping forehead, and some tattoos.

He would definitely be typecast as a Russian Mafia. And Tom, who is normally a baritone, can reach all the way down to basso profundo. So when he’s hamming it up, and trying to look intimidating, even Batman would think twice. “Yes, my little dumpling”? he rumbled as he turned around and straightened up, putting one hand on my shoulder.

And that was the end of that man’s smirk. Yeah, I was flirting, but Tom adores me, and he loves to do chivalrous things like that. We had a good giggle over it later.

Time To Tap Out

woman in white suitPhoto by Thao LEE on Unsplash

I am a purple belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. As a woman, I often get paired with new students who try to tell me how to do a technique. I’ve noticed that this never happens to the guys, by the way. Usually, I’ll just let them talk and then show them what’s up when it’s time to roll (training against a resisting opponent).

Typically, one roll will put an end to their patronizing behavior, but this one guy wasn’t getting it. He kept trying to correct me but he was consistently wrong when describing the techniques. Our head instructor even heard him on several occasions and told him to stop trying to correct me because he doesn’t know what he was talking about.

On this particular day, we were drilling the double-leg takedown. I should mention that I have been coaching the kids' classes for about six years, and this is one of the main takedowns the kids do. I gently took him down, because we were just drilling—and he tried to tell me I did it wrong. I told him it wasn’t wrong, and he argued. So I decided to shut him down.

I looked him straight in the eyes, then looked down at his white belt, and then I looked at my belt, and back to his eyes. I simply said, “Huh”, and I took him down hard, using the same technique that he said was wrong. Let’s just say he never tried to correct me again.

If It Pleases The Court

My now ex-wife and I were trying to do an amicable dissolution. It didn’t end well. So, we drew up a plan and I took it to a lawyer just to have her look at it. This lawyer wasn’t six months out of school. She was inexperienced, cheap, and kind of dumb, but she was good enough to look over our document. She had concerns. I spoke to my wife to address them.

The wifey wanted changes. Then she wanted more. Then she hired the best attorney in our small town. Basically, this guy is a pitbull and everyone knows it. There is nobody who can beat him in court—at least not in our town. Who can beat him? A guy from about 70 km (45 miles) away who is more than willing to take him on.

“I’ve dominated him more than once, already” he proudly told me. Fast forward to the first court date. No one was aware that I had hired him, and it just so happened that my first lawyer had a case the same day, so she was at the courthouse. I saw my ex and her lawyer pointing at my old lawyer and already celebrating. Then our case was called…

They beamed at my first lawyer, but she sat still. My new lawyer, however, joined me at the front of the courtroom. I could see the blood drain from her lawyer’s face when he recognized my attorney. Her lawyer whispered something to her, she shook her head as if she didn’t understand. They had a brief discussion and my wife became 100 percent more reasonable.

Macho, Macho, Man

I am a stay-at-home father, among other jobs. Once a year, my wife’s company holds a meal at a nice restaurant, and the spouses are expected to attend. There’s free food and some of my wife’s coworkers aren’t idiots, so I don’t mind it. All night, one of her coworkers, unfortunately, one of the non-idiots, is doing the “I earn this much, I am SO manly” routine.

Meanwhile, I am actually sharing some of my recipes with her other coworkers. The idiot then makes a joke about me being a “good wife”. I just stare at him. He is in his 30s, short, mostly bald, not quite fit but not actually sloppy, and desperate to make everyone else in the room look less manly than him. “So what do YOU do”? He asks.

This an annoying question because I know he’s been listening to me talk about making sure dinner is on and all my duties as the stay-at-home parent, but unbeknownst to him I have another profession. “I’m a blacksmith” I state proudly. My wife’s wannabe uber-macho coworker deflates like a soufflé in an earthquake.

Username Checks Out

man weight liftingPhoto by Sopan Shewale on Unsplash

I was at the gym where I worked and there was a group of guys in their early 20s who thought they were the greatest things to walk the earth. They maybe had 50 kg (115 pounds) on the squat rack and they were arrogant, rude, loud, and just generally annoying other members. So, I figured a little competition wouldn’t hurt anyone.

I set up the squat rack next to them and began repping 155 kg (345 lbs). I’m also built pretty small, so their jaws instantly dropped, and no joke, they packed up their stuff and walked off super defeated.

Born To Be Wild

As background, I make my living teaching people how to ride motorcycles. A long time ago, I used to do this in the New York area. The battery on my personal motorcycle had drained, and I had a new one on order. In the meantime, I was commuting by car. When the new battery came in, I picked it up after work and put it in my trunk.

On my drive home, I encountered a group of riders on the side of the road. They were clustered around a motorcycle that had clearly broken down. This was back before everyone had a cell phone, so I stopped to see if they could use some help. I know a thing or two about how motorcycles work and generally travel with tools. Little did I know I would get myself into a little kerfuffle.

Now these were a bunch of gnarly biker dudes. Wearing leather, chains, and tattoos…they ticked all the biker stereotype boxes. I’m sure they were amused that a lady pulled over to help. I asked, “Do you guys need any help”? One replied snarkily, “Not unless you have a motorcycle battery in your trunk” and the group shared a laugh.

You can see where this is going. I replied sweetly, “As a matter of fact, I DO have a motorcycle battery in my trunk”. Between my new battery and tools and skinny girl fingers that extracted the old battery from a tight spot, I got them on their way. They ended up being a friendly bunch and I hope they will give a warmer response when the next person offers help.

Know Your Worth

Every five years our contracts are rebid at my government job and there are not many positions like these in this area, so I am somewhat beholden to whichever new contractor comes in. One day, the new contracting company manager came in and wanted to talk to me. I only had a short time to talk because of an appointment I had about an hour later.

The manager for the new company started off by saying, “You are overcompensated for your age and experience. You are making as much as people who have been here for 30 years. In order to bring you over to the new contract, we will have to reduce your pay by $10,000”. He smirked in that “I’ve got you and there is not much you can do about it” way.

I responded and said, “That’s unfortunate”. He did not realize it at that moment, but it was unfortunate for them. I ended him with my next response: “Well I need to get going to my interview appointment and from what you just told me, I don’t want to miss that.” His smirk was wiped from his face and he stuttered a bit, and asked if I was going to be in tomorrow or on Friday.

I told him, “No, I’m sorry, [the contractor I was currently with] was flying me out to Maryland to interview with another group out there because they wanted to keep me on their payroll”. We said our goodbyes at that time and the following day I had an offer in my e-mail with a slight raise from the new contracting company.

A Pleasure Doing Business

a man sitting at a table with a laptop in front of himPhoto by Adetola Afolabi on Unsplash

This story has it all: an international setting, payola, corruption, and, of course, some smirk-wiping. This story is about a friend of mine named Richard. We worked together at The Economist. He was in Hong Kong and I was in New York City. When I’d travel to HK for work, I’d stay with him and his wife. And when we were both stationed in London, I rented their attic.

Richard is an American and was about 35 in the story, which takes place at the turn of the millennium. His wife, Jyoti, was a bit younger and from India. After his stints in HK and London, he moved with his wife to her home region in India, and he started a business building sewers. Richard looked a bit like Michael T. Weiss, star of the late 1990s series The Pretender.

To win contracts and get the permits to install sewers, he often had to meet with local and regional government officials. At the time, India’s officials were notoriously open to, ahem, “gifts”. After discussing the permits, the bureaucrats would switch to Hindi and talk amongst themselves about the “gifts” they would demand in order to move Richard’s paperwork along. This worked perfectly in Richard's favor.

The bureaucrats would then switch back to English and tell him their requirements. They were never called bribes, of course, but it was clear that that’s what they were. At that moment, my friend would switch to fluent Hindi. Hindi is so good that, apparently, if you were on the phone with him you would not know he wasn’t Indian.

Indeed, he told me he went to these meetings in person so the bureaucrats would take him for a sucker. When he turned the tables on them, they would be so embarrassed that they would grant him the permits at the correct rate. His business wound up being the only one that didn’t have to pay extra.

Chivalry Is Alive And Well

My wife didn’t know how to drive when we got married. I encouraged her to learn, and she did. Now she is a very decent driver—very cautious and focused on safety.

We were at a party where there was this guy she dated back before we started dating. I think he’s sort of an idiot, but since I had no beef with him, we were speaking in a friendly way.

Then, my wife started mentioning that she had finally gotten her driver’s license. She was so proud of herself. This guy was like, “Wow! I wonder how that works. Man, you must be nervous when she drives with you in the car”. I really felt like breaking his face. Nobody makes fun of my wife. Instead, I decided to take a different approach.

I looked him straight in the face, and told him, “No, I don’t feel nervous at all. She happens to be a great driver, and I feel totally comfortable with her at the steering wheel”. The idiotic smile on the guy’s face immediately disappeared, and everybody within earshot smiled and looked at the guy like the idiot he was.

I’m sure my wife appreciated my answer better than if I had gotten physical with the guy. I still wanted to punch his face, though.

How Rude!

Many years ago, my husband and I attended an Independence Day celebration at a large stadium as are both Vietnam veterans. We weren’t stationed in combat zones, but we served during the conflict. During the event, the emcee asked active duty personnel and veterans to stand up and be recognized. We both rose to our feet.

A man behind me jerked on the back of my T-shirt so hard that I almost fell back into his lap. “Sit down”, he hissed. “They said veterans, NOT their wives”. My husband immediately put on a sinister smile. He looked at him calmly and said, “My wife is a veteran,” Thankfully, we did not hear a peep from the guy for the rest of the show.

Sharpshooter

holding hand couplePhoto by Imam Fadly on Unsplash

Over 30 years ago, I was a deputy sheriff. I’d been one for a year or two when I met this lady who was a paramedic in the same county. We dated for a few years. One weekend, I was at her house and had just purchased a Beretta 21 semi-auto in .22 cal. because I was getting tired of lugging a .38 around on my ankle as a last-resort weapon.

I went into the backyard with my girlfriend and tossed an empty tuna can onto the ground, loaded a magazine, and aimed. The first shot missed. Well, it’s a new piece, let’s try again. At the end of that magazine, I still hadn’t hit that tuna can. The second magazine’s the charm, right? NOT! I still hadn’t hit the can. I was really angry at this point.

Suddenly I heard my girlfriend say sweetly behind me, “Honey, do you think I could try”? I loaded up a magazine and showed her what to do and said, “You won’t shoot any better with it than I did, but go for it”. She took it, aimed, and fired. TING! The can went flipping into the air. TING, TING, TING, TING, TING, TING. She hit the can six more times.

Seven shots and the smirk was definitely wiped off my face! I had foolishly forgotten that her father was a WW2 and Korea vet AND an avid collector and instructor who had taught both his girls how to shoot and obviously how to shoot well. We will soon celebrate our 31st wedding anniversary. I’m so lucky that she agreed to marry me!

Mother Knows Best?

My brother stopped by our home one afternoon with his new girlfriend in tow. She was a tall, big-boned, top-heavy blonde. He introduced her to our mother who took him aside moments later. With a smug, self-satisfied smirk my mother informed him: “You know she’s not going to be able to keep her figure, don’t you”? My brother replied, “So…Did you”?

Mansplaining Mishap

When I was in my early 20s, I went clubbing with some friends who brought along some other friends. One guy was trying to impress me with his “intelligence”. At the club, there was a screen where they projected various images. At this particular time, it was astronomical stuff. He asked me if I knew what it was. I just kinda smiled and asked him to tell me what it was.

He said that it was a close-up of Jupiter, and went on and on about it for a while. He then asked me what I thought it was. This is when I had some fun. So I told him that is Orion’s Nebula. He paused and replied incredulously, “Wait, do you know about this stuff”? I just smiled and stated that I was going into my final year of astrophysics at the U of T.

Wedding Crasher

woman in white and pink off-shoulder top standing beside wallPhoto by Olivier Rule on Unsplash

I was at a distant cousin’s wedding a couple of months back. Since my grandmother was invited, I decided to tag along. On the day of the wedding, I could tell that everyone had done their best to get glam and gorgeous. Thankfully, some of my cousins were there, too, so I wasn’t totally bored. About halfway through the function, was approached by a woman I didn’t know.

I was standing beside six of my male cousins, just talking and laughing, when this lady, who was just a couple of years older than me and so thin that she looked like she’d never eaten anything, came up to me and said, “You just have to start exercising. You’re so fat, look, I can see your fat through your dress. Haven’t your parents taught you anything”? That was bad enough, but she kept taking it further.

I admit that I’m chubby, but my fat could definitely not be seen through my clothes. This woman went on ranting some more, just insulting me and saying that no one would marry me because I was fat, and that I’d never have kids. I was listening calmly. When she was done, she looked at me, smirked, and asked “Don’t you agree”?

I very calmly replied, “There is a disadvantage to you being thin. A small head means you can only fit a small brain in there. It makes you a narrow-minded person. As for me, I can proudly say I have an open mind as well as a big heart”. The lady’s face turned bright red as she sputtered and tried to think of a response. She ended up just turning and stalking away.

The Doctor Is In

When I mentioned that I have a Ph.D. in physical chemistry, a software engineer smirked and said, “What are ya gonna do with that”? I had spent several years as a professional research scientist, but I skipped over that in my answer. Instead, I kept my slayage simple: “Well, I taught myself to code, so nowadays I’m an IT consultant. I did all the math for a huge database merger project at Microsoft".

“Oh,” was all he said. And, yes, his smirk was gone.

Fast And Soon-To-Be-Furious

I was driving a muscle car and pulled up to a stoplight with my girlfriend at my side. A couple of guys in a Porsche pulled up beside us and tried to get me to race. I shook my head. We were on a date and I was trying to be on my best behavior. To provoke me, they started yelling some very hurtful things about my girlfriend. Obviously, this infuriated me—and I knew I had to get payback.

When the light changed, I gunned it and my car leaped out ahead of them. I then quickly backed off just in time for them to blow through the speed trap I had passed on the way to pick her up. We laughed all the way to dinner.

Sir, Yes, Sir

men's black and red topPhoto by Chichi Onyekanne on Unsplash

Many years ago, I was an army wife and was in my car in a shopping center parking lot, when someone hit my car from behind. The other driver, who was wearing his shiny new army uniform, pulled rank on me. He aggressively said that he was in law enforcement, that I was in trouble, and that he hoped I was well insured.

I sat quietly until he asked for my insurance. Then I suggested he call my husband for the details, as my husband was his new boss—and obviously outranked him substantially. Needless to say, it was very amusing to watch him deflate. But the best part? He then got called into the office and reprimanded for pulling rank on a civilian.

Comin’ In Hot

My stepfather used to love to make my life miserable. One of the ways he did this was to walk through the kitchen while I was washing dishes, plunge his hand into the dishwater and yell, “This dishwater is ice cold! You can’t get dishes clean in cold water. Now empty that out, make some hot dishwater, and wash all these over again”!

Since I detested washing dishes, this would always make me cry and feel defeated. Then he would smirk and walk out of the kitchen feeling very proud of himself. It didn’t matter how hot the dishwater was, he always did the same thing. So one night I had enough. I put a stockpot on the stove to boil, then poured the boiling water into the sink with some dish soap.

I loaded the sink with dishes and then stirred them around a bit with a wooden spoon to make it sound like I was doing dishes. Sure enough, I soon heard him coming my way. As he walked into the kitchen, I took a step back so he could easily reach the sink. He plunged his hand into the boiling hot dishwater! His hand came out of that sink so fast, it was a blur.

He said nothing and gave no indication that he had just stuck his hand in boiling water. He just looked at me with mingled hatred and respect and walked out of the kitchen without a word. That was the last time he ever tested my dishwater.

Black and white photo of teacher standing at front of classroom
Photo by Immo Wegmann on Unsplash

Whether or not we liked going to school growing up, we can likely all agree that we had one of those teachers who really didn't belong in the classroom.

From terrible tempers, little patience, and other bad behaviors, there are qualities that absolutely shouldn't be exhibited by a teacher.

But at least in some cases, the teacher gets caught in the act.

Redditor Ok-Discipline-4312 asked:

"How did that teacher get fired at your school?"

Creepy Phone Calls

"In the early 90s, a female student at my high school was receiving obscene phone calls."

"When police interviewed her, she told them, 'He sounds kind of like my history teacher.'"

" The police put a tracer on her phone, and the caller did turn out to be her history teacher."

- mythrowaweighin

Passing the Torch

"My high school had a notoriously stoney gym teacher, who was also hilarious. Every year, he did a miscellaneous object raffle during a random lunch hour. He basically just gave away whatever was in the lost and found box."

"Well, my junior year, one of the objects was a large and elaborate 'vase.'"

"Basically, he handed a student a giant f**king bong. He retired a few days later."

- Forever_Man

Rolling with the Punches

"A teacher used a sick day rather than a vacation day to fly to Japan to fight in MMA. He got caught and was fired for improper use of time off."

"He lost his fight and chose a different career path afterward."

- flickmypoodle

Questionable Drinks

"They used alcohol on the job. They had a bottle in the top left drawer."

"It took years to catch them, though."

- ray458

"I had a few teachers like that. One lady had a can of Tab every day (remember Tab soda? laughing out loud)."

"Some kid made a mark on the bottom with a pen or something and found out it was the same can every day. She was refilling it from a bottle in her car."

- AdWonderful5920

One Word: Embezzlement

"Embezzling from the students. For quite a few years, she would collect money for this 'senior trip' that never seemed to materialize."

"She was arrested a few years after I graduated. I wonder if she's out of prison yet?"

- Aeolian78

"Holy s**t, I just had a repressed memory pop up in my head. We had a 'ski club' when I was in 8th grade, and the teachers constantly collected money from us for our 'ski trip' that we never took. I wonder where all that money went?"

- whimsy_xo

All for the Prom Queen

"S**t, there was a vice principal that wanted her daughter, who went to the same school, to be the homecoming queen super bad."

"So she hacked into dozens of parents' district portal accounts and stuffed the ballot for her daughter."

"Not quite 'steal the money' or 'embezzle' bad, but still 'go to prison and never work in education again' and also 'your daughter isn't going to college now' bad."

- thewrongbakedpotato

A Sweet Future

"My middle school choir teacher was a closeted gay man. He had a long-term boyfriend but none of us knew about it, until one day a parent saw them at a HOUSE PARTY making out."

"They spread rumors throughout the school and multiple parents immediately removed their children from his class. The parents complained to the school and got him fired."

"The good news is, he eventually quit teaching and opened up a bakery with his partner, which did very well and got featured on 'Cupcake Wars.'"

- xain_the_id**t

Sprinkled with Annoyance

"A teacher threw a donut at an annoying student."

- AdEffective3077

"What a waste of a perfectly good donut!"

- No-Swing-2099

Possible Repercussions

"Because of me, I think. Once in primary school, I was messing around with a classmate, and she threw a sponge at me, making me chase her around the classroom."

"The teacher tried to stop me and grabbed me by the neck, making me fall on my back. It didn’t hurt, but I was surprised."

"I don’t remember how, but the principal and my parents got involved, and we never saw the teacher again after that. He was sort of a substitute teacher, and from what I can remember, he was pretty well-liked even by me."

- jeremydeoderant

Incredible Road Rage

"He cut off my grandpa in an explosive road rage incident, pulled him out of his truck, and beat him to the ground so bad that my grandpa was in the hospital for weeks."

"Thankfully, my grandpa was okay, but his job (and his marriage, and social life) didn’t survive."

- NykxMarie

High School Drama

"At my school, the new French teacher started screwing the old computer teacher, who was married to the geometry teacher."

"At the end of it, just the geometry teacher had her job and all the other two teachers' money because she divorced the computer teacher and managed to sue the French teacher as part of an alienation of affection suit."

"Then she hooked up with the metal shop teacher."

- mama_bear_740

Three Strikes, You're Out

"The teacher called up a female student to work a problem on the blackboard. The student didn't want to participate. After some verbal back and forth, the student went to the blackboard and muttered something under her breath."

"The teacher grabbed the student's hair with both hands and proceeded to slam her head into the blackboard. 'You (slam) will listen (slam) to me (slam)!'"

"About three seconds later, the teacher realized what she was doing and released the student's hair. The student looked at her, said, 'You are sooooo fired,' and left the room."

"We had a new math teacher the next day."

- reference999

The Dispassionate Teacher

"My memory of this is kinda hazy since this happened 10 and a half years ago."

"She was telling at us, I don't remember if anything specific triggered her episode but she said s**t like, 'I don't give a rat's a** what you think,' and 'I wish I could use the paddle.'"

"Although the one thing I'll always remember was before she sat down, she said, 'I'm going on Facebook, I don't care what the h**l you do.'"

"I guess she got fired the same day, because we had a sub after lunch, and we had a new short-term sub every few days before we got a long-term sub for the rest of the year."

- mariofan426

That Would Do It

"He taught me physics for three years and became principal for two years."

"Then they realized he didn’t even have the teaching qualification."

- pol9500

It's obvious why these teachers were quickly removed from their roles as teachers and unable to ever teach again.

But the thought that these things ever happened in a classroom are deeply unsettling.

Man yelling into the receiver of a rotary phone
Icons8 Team/Unsplash

Working at a job where you get along with coworkers is ideal.

Strong teamwork can establish efficiency, and good rapport at the workplace can inspire friendships.

But not even the kindest person can vibe with everyone despite good intentions, and it could be due to toxic personalities.

Those types of coworkers can be ones who are unfriendly, manipulative, super arrogant, or completely lacking in self-awareness.

Annoying right?

Curious to hear about the latter, Redditor Woodchipper_AF asked:

"Who is the most insufferable a**hole you’ve ever worked with?"

These individuals did not look forward to showing up, due to individuals who've made their lives miserable.

Sweet Revenge

"At my old job, my boss would give me difficult projects from difficult clients. When I finished the project, she would go into the system and add her initials (whoever does the work has to initial after every step) and take off mine."

"Then she would go to her supervisor and be like, 'Look what I did! Hehe!' And she would get all the credit. When I finally figured out she was doing that, I wouldn't let her know when I was done, and I would personally submit my work to her supervisor."

"His mind was blown that I just 'magically picked up the work so effortlessly,' and I got promoted lol."

– i_am_dean

New VP In Town

"Matt, the new VP of operations decided that everything about our company needed to change, including undermining my role, essentially taking over my team, and started implementing these incredibly micro managing processes that nearly halved our productivity, then blamed it all on me. He then proceeded to place our junior as the team lead and left me on my own island. It really felt like he was trying to get me to leave and well, he got what he wanted. F'k you, Matt."

– Corgon

Her Way Or The Highway

"Sierra. Sierra knew the answer to every single question, had better ideas than you, had done more than you had done, tried everything that you thought of, seen more a problems than you had, and just all around was an insufferable know-it-all. Everything had to be done exactly the way she wanted it to be done even if it didn't need to be done that way, it still had to be done that way because that's the way she wanted it. She micromanaged everyone around. I was so happy when she moved to a different job."

– edgarpickle

Major Hypocrite

"Sounds like my insufferable coworker. Except mine is also a f'king hypocrite who’ll rat you out for bending a rule that is flexible while constantly breaking rules she’s not supposed to because she’s been working this entry level job for 30 years."

"I look forward to the day she gets fired but unfortunately this is a union job."

– sketchysketchist

Sometimes, things backfire.

Called Out

"I had a coworker who would sh*t all over my ideas in meetings and then offer up the same solutions I'd just offered like 5 minutes later. Everyone watched her do it and I don't know if she thought she was getting away with something or had some kind of mental block where she didn't even realize she was doing it. After a year or so we had this guy Dave get hired and the first meeting she did that he blurted out, 'wait a minute, 5 minutes ago Joe suggested that and you sh*t all over it.' And she was kind of like, 'Oh,' and like mumbled something while everyone stifled a giggle."

– Homerpaintbucket

The Saboteur

"Lady tried to get me fired and was totally harassing me - it backfired and she was escorted out by HR. I’ve been with my company for almost ten years now. See you never✌️"

– natureismyhappy

Gaslighting

"Yeah I just went through 2+ years of hell because of a total abusive gaslighting coworker a-hole. She would say abusive stuff to me when no one else was around and then completely deny it with management. She would create weird situations to make me look bad or crazy and would like daily attempt to turn coworkers against me. She would straight up mock me in front of coworkers and customers. Also, many incidents of her mocking me for being a guy and being 'too sensitive.' Sh*t like 'You are too sensitive. You should be able to handle what I say.'"

"She even knew I was sober (25+ years) and on a couple of occasions managed to make me feel like sh*t as if I was some total scumbag. It was unbelievably frustrating and I had no idea how to handle all this. I managed to kick alcohol and drugs a long time ago and survive a very rough childhood but had no tools to handle something like this. It was like the twilight zone. She successfully convinced management I was the problem and that I was making the whole thing up for a long long time. I felt completely defeated and hopeless."

"Massive stress for something like 2 years. I finally broke and told management do something or I will sue. They first hired a mediator who took us through the mediation process. I was not told what the mediator thought of the situation but I definitely get a sense the mediator told management yes you have a problem here."

"Then the company called in lawyers who investigated my claims. Took about 6 months but it turns out several of her own employees (we were both foreman) backed me up and from what I know the lawyers told my company they were in serious legal jeopardy. Every one of the women I work with said I am kind and never have I ever been mean, snapped or been rude to them."

"Several of them said they love working with me and some actually witnessed some incidents. I was kept in the dark as to the whole timeline of the investigation but one recent Friday management walked in and told her to gather her things and they escorted her out of the building. I literally had to step out and weep. Not just because it was finally over but why did any of this have to happen? I still don’t really know why I was her target and I don’t think I ever will. My stress levels are 1000 times better but yeah I think I need therapy. Still processing it all."

– Quinnjb

These are the kind of work colleagues you don't go out for drinks with afterward.

The Thing About Dave

"Dave."

"Dave is a guy who thinks he’s much smarter than he is. He’s been with the same company for 20 years and has worked his way up the ladder at a small company, where he now leads Operations."

"He’s a control freak and micromanager and this job is pretty much all he has in life. He will do anything and everything to block progress and innovation and will ruthlessly stab anyone in the back who gets in his way."

"Sometimes I have pity on Dave because this job is as good as it’s ever gonna get for him. I’m gonna leave this job soon and move on to better things, but Dave’s gonna be doing Dave things until a heart attack or kidney failure takes him out eventually."

– rockit454

Can't Be Pleased

"Guy that I worked with on a cabinet door assembly line. One night we got done about 30min early and this guy throws a fit. How is he going to pay his bills if they send us home early ect ect. Two nights later we had to work about 45min late. This guy starts throwing a even bigger fit. No one helps us, whining we have to work overtime ect ect lol."

– Munson4657

Working Quitter

"Got a dude i work with who always claims he will quit when it comes to OT. Thing is, its never mandatory unless dire. We usually always have volunteers to fill in. Its been like seven years. Quitter still works there, claiming he's gonna quit."

– hobgoblinreacharound

I've been fortunate enough to have worked with amazing groups of people throughout my performing career.

But my first job experience as a 16-year-old was not a positive one. I worked in retail selling video games at the mall where I grew up.

My trainer who worked shifts with me behind the counter was the boss's girlfriend. She was condescending and would often abandon her job duties when things at the store was slow and go shopping around the nearby shops and department stores.

Of course, whenever she was gone, I dealt with mayhem. I had to figure out how to deal with exchanges, giving refunds, which I had yet to learn.

I also had to call security on a kid who wandered in unattended and swiped an item from behind the counter, then later dealt with his irate mother who had to leave her job to pick up her kid from the mall and yelled at me for accusing him of stealing.

After two weeks, I quit.

There are some dates that are so disastrous, they’re unforgettable. When it comes to the dating game, these Redditors struck out big time—but at least they were left with great stories to tell.

A Crash Course In Romance

a woman sitting in a car with a steering wheelPhoto by Jan Baborák on Unsplash

We met online and agreed to meet at a diner we both knew. I got there first. But the night took a horrifying turn the moment she arrived. Just after pulling in, she hit the gas instead of the brake, drove into the curb, then hit a light pole which fell over and landed on a parked van.

No one got hurt but she was pretty embarrassed. Never heard back from her.

Fine Dining

I matched with this guy on Tinder and he offered to take me out to dinner. I thought that sounded nice, so later that night he picked me up. We were driving and he asked me where I wanted to go. I told him I was fine with anything. BIG MISTAKE.

He said, "Okay then," and pulled into Subway. He then told me that he wasn't hungry, but that I should eat! So he stood outside of the Subway and watched while I went in and got myself food. At this point, I was already mentally done but I wanted to see how much worse it would get. Spoiler alert: it got so much worse.

So I'm sitting in the car with the stupid freaking sub on my lap, and he decided that it was a great idea to drive around, specifically through a dark, isolated ravine that was nearby. He drove for about 10 minutes into the ravine, parked the car next to an abandoned tennis court and said, "Okay, you can eat now”.

I was just thinking, "I really don't want to die here," so I choked down the soggy sub while he stared at me. The second I was done, he pulled the car out and drove me back home. I was so grateful to make it home in one piece that it took me several days to process how screwed up the entire date was.

But here’s the cherry on top: at 2 am that night, he came back to my house uninvited, carrying a bag full of stale donuts, and asked me if I wanted to sleep with him.

No Means No

After a first date of dinner and a movie, he asked if I’d like to “have some fun” and took off his pants. I said “No”. He apologized for overstepping himself and I told him, “Hey, I totally understand and it’s okay!”

Now here’s the confusing part...he took my word “okay” as consent for “I totally want to do it now”. So he immediately took off his pants again. It was so awkward when I explained it was still a no.

Just Can’t Catch A Break

man and woman talking in front of gray tabletop inside shopPhoto by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Back in college, I met this girl and asked her if I could take her out to dinner. She said yes. I was ecstatic. Well, then I had to figure out where to take her to give her an idea of who I am and what I'm about. So I tried to do something that was thoughtful.

I've learned that there are two types of gifts: expensive and thoughtful. If you can't do expensive, which I couldn't, then you'd better go hard on the thoughtful. This was taking place in the southern US, but she was a freshman from Pennsylvania. I started thinking about things that be new and interesting to her. The answer came to me in a flash: Bojangles!

I would take her to Bojangles. It's cheap, it used to have fairly decent food, but most of all it's southern, and we'd be able to discuss regional differences in food and culture. Of course, it's also fast food. Really crappy fast food.

The evening of the date arrived. I drove her to the place and talked all about fried chicken and the South and tea and how it must be different from the North. We got there and ordered at the register, then moved down to pick up our tray of food. We waited. And waited.

I tried to make some small talk. You know, the small talk you make when something could interrupt your conversation at any moment...Then we waited some more. Finally, my dinner (fried chicken) was on the tray. The drinks were on the tray. Her sandwich was not.

So we stood there and stood there with the silence growing more and more awkward. Minutes rolled by that felt like ages. Finally, an employee noticed us standing there and said, "Did you need something?" I said yes, that we needed her sandwich.

The employee turned around and grabbed the sandwich from the place it had been sitting THE WHOLE TIME WE'D BEEN STANDING THERE and put it on the tray. It had been there since the beginning. Not a great start.

I picked up the tray and started walking back to a table with her. But there was an issue. Bojangles used to have the best sweet tea, so I always got a large. The cups they use for the larges are the kind that are smaller at the bottom, so they'll fit in your cup holder in your car.

That's great for a car, but NOT so great for balancing them on a tray. It fell over. Fortunately, it fell over onto the tray, but not before knocking her drink off of the tray onto the floor. She had gotten the smaller drink, which came in the waxed paper cup instead of the plastic cup that the larges are in.

That's important, because it means that when her cup hit the ground at about a 30-degree angle, the cup crushed and LAUNCHED the liquid inside out like a cannon. Onto her foot. Drenching her in Pepsi or Coke or some soft drink.

Being gentlemanly, I went and got her a new drink. I got back to the table and started trying to eat. I had ordered fried chicken, which I realized would mean that I had to eat with my fingers, which was stupid on a first date.

Not wanting to look dumb(er), I decided I'd try to avoid eating with my fingers by using the plastic cutlery provided by the store. This would have been a fine idea if not for the fact that Bojangles only provides you with a spork. Not a fork, not a spoon, not a knife. A plastic spork.

I'm trying to pry the chicken off the bone with this plastic spork and it's going nowhere. I can't get the chicken off the bone. I dug in a little deeper and really pulled, which bent the spork back a little, which served as a spring to launch my chicken across the table. I actually caught it before it could hit the floor.

I remember thinking to myself, "Well, just enjoy this chicken because this date is going NOWHERE”. I decided to just forget it and eat the dang chicken with my fingers. She was obviously not going to be going out with me anymore, so I decided not to worry about impressing her, just try to get out of the situation without looking any dumber than I already did.

I reached down and pulled off a nice piece of chicken with my fingers….and I missed my mouth. Seriously. I jammed the chicken onto my face. I don't know how I missed it, but I did. I just missed. Which of course smeared chicken grease all over my cheek. Oh, but it doesn't end there.

The girl was looking at me like she was waiting for me to tell her, "It's just a prank, bro!" I felt so dumb. We finished eating in silence. Finally, I said, "Well, let me take you back to your dorm”. I gathered up all the trash on the tray, walked over to the garbage can, and accidentally threw the whole thing into the trash. All of it, cups, the spork, napkins, THE TRAY. All of it.

I looked at the girl, she looked at me, and we both ran to the car. I've had some other bad dating experiences, but this one took the cake. I also remember being shocked when the car started when we were leaving. After the night I'd had, I was fully expecting to have to walk several miles back to campus in the dark.

A Brutally Honest Red Flag

Working in bars and restaurants, I've been able to witness some absolute doozies. And boy does this one take the cake.

So, it's a fairly quiet night and it's pretty early, and I have a reservation for 6 pm for two people. A young guy shows up for that reservation about 10 minutes early. He tells me he's very nervous, as he's on a first date, and hasn't been on many of them, all that kind of jazz. It was kinda sweet, really.

Anyways, I seat him, and the girl arrives, like, 30 minutes late. She then proceeds to get extremely inebriated. About halfway through the meal, though, she answers her phone, takes the call, and starts talking about her date in front of her date, saying stuff like, "He's not really my type, I don't exactly like him but I figured I had nothing else planned tonight so why not".

The young man looks super discouraged, pays his bill, and leaves. Luckily, he didn’t let that date discourage him. He's a nice lad, I've seen him a few times at the bar I work at now.

TMI

My worst date was my first-ever online date. We had been chatting on a dating website and agreed to meet at a cafe. I showed up about 15 minutes early. She calls me and says she is going to be a little late. I say “no big deal”. 25 minutes later, she calls me again and says she is going to be late as she locked herself out of her apartment.

I wait and wait. At this point, it's an hour after the agreed-upon time. I see a woman who matched her picture enter the cafe. Before I can go up to meet her, my phone rings. I picked it up, and she proceeds to shout at me, "Where the heck are you? Is this some sort of prank?" I tell her that I am at a table in the back of the cafe.

My first online date was informative, as I learned why some women only post pictures of their faces. She was extremely overweight. Furthermore, she was only in sweatpants and a sweatshirt. But all this is minor compared to what happens next.

After making some small talk, I ask her how her day was going. She asks if I really want to know. I mistakenly say yes. She launches into a rant about how she got fired from her last job because people were plotting against her, and a new job she signed up for was just a scam that stole her credit card information.

She also just got out of an abusive relationship, and her 25-year-old sister was abandoning the family to move to New York City. And on top of all that, she was just kicked out of school because people said she was plotting to kill someone, but she swears she wasn't. "People are always plotting to get me, it seems".

I was too frozen to leave at that moment and stayed for about another hour trying to make the most awkward small talk ever.

Are You Afraid Of The Dark?

woman in white crew neck t-shirt sitting on black couchPhoto by LexScope on Unsplash

Before I got engaged, I was casually dating. I started chatting with this guy from high school—he was good looking and I figured I’d give it a shot with him. We were supposed to go out on a date, but I didn’t feel like getting all dressed up so I suggested he come over to my place and we could Netflix/chill.

He comes over and everything is cool until we sit in the living room to watch Netflix. I sit on my couch, and he does too. I had a corner lamp on in the room. He said, “We should turn off all the lights”. I’m like eh, the corner light is fine! I personally didn’t want to be in the pitch-black dark.

But then he gets up, creeps over to the corner light, stands with his back completely against my wall, and begins to flicker the light slowly on and off…Next to the corner is the doorway into the kitchen. He is literally not saying a word, just flickering the light off and on.

So I say, “You’re creeping me out, lol, please sit”. And he says, in between flickers, “Why...are....you... afraid... of... the... dark”. He then shuffles behind the doorway so I can only see HALF of his face and body. He has his arm reach around the doorway so he can still control the light.

He then begins giggling like a little kid and continues to flick the light on and off. Needless to say, no more dates after that.

Dine And Dash

We were both broke, so we went walking around this cute, teeny tiny country town near us, and then got McDonald's to eat in the car so we could chat some more. He almost immediately starts pressuring me to go sleep with him because he bought me a cheeseburger, so I owe him, he says.

He starts getting pushy, and I say, okay, but let's go purchase some protection from this gas station that's on the other side of town. I drove for this date, so I take us to the gas station and tell him to go get the stuff while I wait. I knew exactly what I had to do.

I wait for him to get in the door and go a bit farther into the store before I drive off, leaving him stranded in this tiny gas station in the days before cell phones got popular, in a tiny country town with no bus service, no ride shares, and everything shuts down by 6 pm.

I know from mutual friends he made it home, but they already knew why he'd been ditched at the gas station, so no one cared about his whining about it.

Doggone It

Met a guy at a professional night out. He seemed interesting. He invited me out for Chinese food and a movie, but insisted I come by his house first to meet his four dogs, because not liking his dogs would be a deal-breaker. Cool, I love dogs.

I follow directions to his house, which is a mobile home with a small, fenced yard. So the dogs must be little, I think. NOPE. There were four large, mannerless dogs living inside this mobile home and the smell is completely encompassing.

Turns out "dinner and a movie" meant watching one of the thousands of VHS tapes and DVDs he owned while he tried to get the clothes off me, while four big dogs bounced around. I declined his kind offer of an incredible time in the bedroom and got out of there.

My clothes went directly into the washer and my car smelled like dog for days.

Showing Off His Creepy Side

woman in maroon long-sleeved shirt holding fork over friesPhoto by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

I once browned out at a club and remember briefly meeting a guy in a suit. The next day, I woke up to a text from Willis, the guy in the suit. Turns out we both didn't really remember each other. Over text, he seemed nice enough and we both thought it'd be a funny experience if we went on a date.

We met up for lunch and upon meeting him, I didn't really have much hope for a second date. He was kind of awkward and tried a little too hard to stunt. But whatever, he seemed like a nice guy. We sat down for pizza and started getting to know each other.

I told him I was studying public policy and was delighted when he asked what kind of policy I wanted to focus on (most people don't really care). I went on a whole rant about how much I wanted to make education policy better because I thought education had the potential to dramatically change lives, especially for those not born into much.

After I finished my rant, he says, "That's cool but I don't really believe in education for low-income people because when I grow up, I want maids and butlers and, like, someone has to do that”. I responded, "Some people have that viewpoint," and started to look for ways to end the date. But the worst was yet to come.

After we finished eating, I made up an excuse to leave an hour earlier than planned. He asked if I really had to go and said, "I should just kill you and keep you with me”. Smooth. I told him he probably shouldn't joke about that. He responded, "I would bury your body right there haha”.

The Secret Ingredient

I went on a blind date with a lady who wouldn't stop picking at her scabs. She just made a pile out of them on the restaurant table. I excused myself to use the washroom and when I came back my soup was there, but the pile of scabs wasn't. No, I didn't eat the soup.

What’s My Name?

I went out with a guy from work who I didn't know much about. He turned out to be awful in many ways and was intoxicated when I showed up. The lowlight of the night was when he started heckling the small cover band that was playing in the bar.

The guy on the mic said, "I'll give you 10 dollars out of my own pocket if you can tell me this girl's name" and—you guessed it—he literally blanked on my name in front of a room full of people. But here’s the kicker: The next day he texted me saying, "You can try again,” as if I was the one who blew it.

The Babysitter

boy in black crew neck t-shirt sitting on white bedPhoto by Matthew Osborn on Unsplash

I'd been talking to this guy, and we finally decided to go on a date. He said he'd take me out for dinner and drinks. He offered to pick me up after work, so I said okay. He sent me a text saying "WE'RE" on the way. I immediately asked, “Who is we??”

Well, he's a single father, and his sister was supposed to be watching his four-year-old son, but something came up. Uh...Okay, I still went along with it. So he said he wanted to go home to shower first since he was in his work clothes.

We got to his house and he showered and fell asleep for like four hours while I hung out with his child who smacked me in the face TWICE. Luckily, after I told him not to do that anymore, we ended up getting along and having fun.

Turns out, he's a sweet kid. The guy finally woke up and we ordered pizza. I took an Uber home. I would have left before he woke up, but I didn't want to leave his kid alone.

Get My Good Side

I met someone online. I live in a mid-size city, and he lived in a small town about 40 minutes away. He asked if I would drive to him, which I wasn't wild about since there's not much to do in his little town and since we're both men and his town is very conservative, but I went with it.

He spent most of the date going on and on about conspiracy theories he believes in (all major politicians and celebrities are Illuminati satanists run by the Catholic church, etc). But the most unsettling part? He literally faced 45 degrees away from me the entire time, making sure I could only ever see him in profile.

Like, he sat sideways in his chair at dinner and always turned to the side while he was standing. At one point I stepped around into his field of view so we could look at each other, and he just immediately turned another 45 degrees.

Let’s Never Speak Of This Again

I'm cringing even thinking about this date and it happened about 12 years ago...So we went for food and a few drinks, it was going great, and we were getting on really well. We started walking back to the train station and I felt my stomach cramp. I must have eaten something that didn't agree with me.

I try not to panic and tell myself I'll go to the toilet on the station platform. We get to the platform and the toilets are out of order, the cramps and spasms are getting quite bad now and I'm starting to sweat a little. I'm trying to keep up the conversation with my date but all I can think is that I need to not poop myself in front of them.

The train arrives and we both get on, I can't bring myself to go in the tiny train toilet when I know it's going to be baaaad, so I make excuses to my date and say that I have to head home instead. My stop was only a few in, so I quickly say goodbye and exit the train.

The cramps, sweats, and pain are horrendous by this point, so as I exit the train I pick up my speed and do a jog/shuffle across the platform. I trip over my own feet and land on the platform concrete. The impact of hitting the deck belly-flop style meant that everything I'd been holding in came out.

I mortifyingly looked up to see my date staring out of the train window, looking at me as the train passed. We never called each other, we both knew what went down at that station.

It All Came Crashing Down

woman rock climbing inside buildingPhoto by yns plt on Unsplash

This happened to a close friend. Her date brought her to the local rock-climbing gym which he frequents. She said she'd climbed before and seemed pretty fit.

She fell and broke her arm within a half hour of being there.

Licky Licky

I met this guy at a coffee place. He was nice and we met for coffee once more and then met for dinner at a bar. We were sitting at the bar, and I had turned to get the bartender’s attention. He leaned over—and did the unthinkable. He straight up licked my face, from chin to temple. I was visibly shook.

So he tried to playfully poke me to tone my "what the heck" face down and I asked him to stop. He then leaned in and whispered, "I'll just poke your sleeping body later"…I made him leave. I walked him to his car and had a bouncer stand by the door and wait for/watch me.

I received several messages a few days later. He was concerned he hadn't heard from me and was going to "stop by my parents later to see if I was ok”. I never took him to or spoke to him about my parents’ house/address. I told him I would call the authorities if I ever heard from him or saw him again.

Thankfully, I never heard from him again.

Signs From Above

We went for a walk, got a bit frisky rolling down a grassy hill, and just went at it right there behind a Mormon Church. First, a Mormon spotted us and told us we can’t do that there and just creepily watched us get dressed.

So we went elsewhere, at which point we both complained about not finishing. And the next spot we chose ended with about 30 mosquito bites on my behind, two on my junk, and she rolled over onto dog poop and cried that it was only on her.

"Go get a room," God said.

Money Matters

white ceramic table and chairs with glasswarePhoto by Matthieu Huang on Unsplash

He took me to an Italian restaurant. After we ordered he got a phone call. He makes a small chitchat with the person on the other line. Then he says, “Mom, I know, I ordered the cheapest thing on the menu. Mom! I'm here with my girlfriend. I'll tell you how much the bill was afterward”. Two things wrong with that.

One, it was a first date, and I was NOT his girlfriend. Secondly, he lived with his mom (fine…I can deal with that) and his mom micromanaged all of his money—to the point of calling during dinner to see what kind of money he was spending. It was super creepy and really weird.

I saw him one more time to confirm he was a strange ranger and broke it off.

Running Him Ragged

I was the cause of a bad first date. I grossly underestimated how long it would take him (I’m a woman) to hike seven miles. I had to call a friend to get the ranger hotline to let them know we would still be on the trail after 9 pm when the gates closed.

By the last three miles, he was giving pep talks to his legs and threatening to eat the frogs that were hopping on the trail. I had to use my phone to light his way because it was super dark and he didn’t have his. Sorry, dude. You were a really nice guy. I didn’t mean to walk you to the point of collapse.

Drink Up

I met a girl online and we started talking. Everything was grand. She and I texted often and seemed to be hitting it off well. So we meet and start having dinner. Everything is good except she just seems a bit off.

We order a pitcher of margaritas. We each have one and mid-sentence she just stops talking and stares at her hands. Just...looking at them. I ask if she's ok and she says, “Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just really tipsy”. I say “Really? We've only had one drink”.

She says then, “Oh, I've been drinking all day”. Now, I stop and think about past conversations. She texted me a lot saying, "Hey I'm a little tipsy walking home, keep me company”. I start thinking this might be a trend with her. She then proceeds to faceplant into the table. I think she's joking because it was so exaggerated.

I laugh and realize she isn't moving. I tap her and wake her and I call for the check, which was a looooot more than I'd figured. She then asks if I could walk her home. I said I would as she was in pretty rough shape. We start walking more and more and then I ask how much farther. She says another mile.

So we walk some more and finally get to her place. She offers me some water and then asks if I want to stay. I politely declined and she angrily kicked me out. So, that was that. I had to use a GPS to find my way back to my car.

Drama King

man wiping his tearsPhoto by Tom Pumford on Unsplash

This is technically a breakup, but it happened on a date. I tried to break up with him in private in the car. He said he needed a pause on the conversation, took us into a restaurant, then proceeded to burst into tears in front of everyone.

The best bit is that a few weeks later, he came into my work pretending that we hadn’t broken up and I had to break up with him again...while he cried...in front of his sister who was my co-worker...

Telling Tall Tales

I got the friend call bail-out one time. The girl had to go to the bathroom right in the middle of the date so I knew it was coming. She kept talking once she got back for a few minutes. Her story was rather impressive, though.

She didn't stick me with the “my friend needs help” act. She told me that a bus crashed, and she had to get back to the hospital because there were multiple deceased kids. That was interesting.

Good Enough

My first date was my worst date. After an excruciatingly long car ride listening to him discuss his love of clubs and bottle service, we get to the restaurant he refers to as "enough of a hole-in-the-wall for a girl like me”. After ordering he says he needs to check his bank account, followed by him telling me to cover dinner (I'm fine with paying, just maybe ask politely).

Then he, and only him, spoke for the rest of the dinner, explaining how the earth is flat and he is going to be a senator on Mars in 10 years, so any woman who seriously dates him will need to be supportive. Afterward, since he drove, he dragged me to a club.

Upon him uttering, "This is going so well!" I explained to him that it, in fact, was not, given that I had yet to even have the chance to speak. He then asked him to list examples. After saying this was the worst date I ever experienced, he sat down next to me and asked, "So we can be friends who possibly become more?"

I promptly called an Uber. He texted me asking me on a date every day for a week straight until I finally blocked the number.

Shortchanged By The Universe

Two people talking with cups of coffeePeople Share The First Date Fails That Were Total Deal BreakersPhoto by Chewy on Unsplash

I arrived early at the coffee shop because I was nervous. When I parked, I realized I forgot my wallet at home. Mind you, the coffee shop was 30 minutes from home, and we were supposed to meet in 10 minutes.

So I scrounged around in my car for loose change. Found $2 in quarters, nickels, and dimes. I hurried in and bought the cheapest coffee I could. She comes in, confused that I already got something, and orders her own—very gentlemanly of me not to offer to pay with the rest of the nickels and pennies in my car, right?

We sit outside, with the setting sun in my eyes, but I'm too proud to move so the sun is blinding me the entire hour we are there. Honestly, the conversation was pleasant, but at the end, I shifted my weight on this wooden chair I was sitting on…and heard a loud CRACK.

Sure enough, the chair was broken. I know I’m a large dude, but this just had to happen now? I wasn’t surprised when I didn't get a call back from that date.

Well, That One Backfired

I haven't had many dates but the worst—and funniest—was from Tinder. The plan was to start at my house as a double date then, and if it went well, we'd split up and go out.

It never got to the last part because he took a dump in my toilet, blocked it with toilet roll, got embarrassed when my friend went in, and left. Oh, and he forgot his jacket in the rush so got one of his friends to come and get it the next day.

Dr. Yuck

I ask what he does, and he says, "I don't like to brag about my job, you know the fact that I save lives every day”. He was a doctor, and he said that with no sarcasm. Then he gets angry because he asked me out on a dating app five years before our date and I didn't respond to his message immediately.

I tell him it was an old account I never logged into he says, "Goes to show girls are so fickle…” And the icing on the cake? He admits he actually has strep throat and "I actually shouldn't be on a date right now”. Gross.

Third Time’s The Charm

woman in black long sleeve shirt sitting on red chairPhoto by Vladimir Fedotov on Unsplash

In my sophomore year of high school, I wanted to go see a movie with my date. At the first theater, they asked for ID for the first time ever. I wasn’t 18 and couldn't get tickets. At the second theater, the movie was canceled after the AC broke and the heater reached 95 degrees.

The third theater didn't have seats next to each other. She still wanted to watch it, so we sat in DIFFERENT ROWS. Unsurprisingly, there was no second date.

A String Of Bad Luck

There's honestly no way for me to say which date is worse. I've had many bad dates, but these really take the cake. I went on a date with someone that seemed normal until she revealed that she was convinced we were all part of the matrix.

Another person I dated was a biter. I had to go to work and see my family with scars and bruises on my neck because she bit and yanked. I thought I was gonna die. And one date abandoned me at a club because I was out of my introverted comfort zone.

I walked home, then ended up peeing my pants because I was wasted and didn't really care as I was going through a depressive episode. So, as you can see, my dating life has never been easy.

Is That My Ride?

I once was asked out by the mate of some friends. He asked for my number and called to ask me to dinner. He asks if I mind if he picks me up in his work vehicle. I have been in the corporate world for a while so I'm thinking it’s a company car, zero drama. Looking back on it, I realize I should have asked what he did for a living.

The night arrives, he turns up...in a garbage truck. But wait, it gets better. I decide “Ah well, he did ask and I said yes”, so we go out for dinner. I can only assume he was insanely nervous because he proceeds to get inebriated—to the point that he asks me if I can drive the garbage truck home.

Now, this thing has four gear sticks. I can only drive an automatic. So this numpty drove me home, in a garbage truck. Then asks if he can stay the night.

There was no second date...

Playing With Fire

white candles on black holderPhoto by Anne Nygård on Unsplash

My first date was definitely my worst date. The girl started lighting matches, would put them out with her fingers, then eat the burnt matchstick head.

Just Watch Me

My worst date was at boarding school, on a college campus. We were both straight-edge dweebs, so we went to a party at the student center together. He got bored in about 15 minutes, so we snuck off into the building together. I thought it was gonna be for some, like, making out and stuff? No.

He found a computer lab and made me watch him play League of Legends for two hours while he tried to explain the game to me. If you meet a hot guy and he's single there is probably a reason.

It Was Like Watching A Car Crash

Online, her profile picture was cute. We had about four or five normal conversations before we decided to go to the movies. Now, I hate taking dates to the movies because this minimizes conversations and getting to know somebody in person, but I was like, “She’s cute, what’s the worst that can happen”?

Now, let the record show she chose the time of the movie and what time I was picking her up, so it's not like she had no idea that she had to use the bathroom. The movie theater was about 15 mins from her house. As soon as she got in my car, she seemed intoxicated, threatened to kick-fight me if I tried anything funny. This all happened within the course of 10 minutes.

On the tenth minute she said "pull over," so I did. I couldn't believe what she did next. She got out of my car on a sort of busy highway street and proceeded to take a dump within eyeshot…it was one of those times where it's hard to look away. When my brain registered what was going on I leaned over, closed the passenger door, and drove away.

The Double Date Disaster

bowling ball going to hit bowling pinsPhoto by Michelle McEwen on Unsplash

So for starters, this was my first date. First date ever. I had no frame of reference for this, but I had just turned 16 and the guy had been cute at school, so the bar was really low. He somehow managed to limbo himself under it.

I didn’t want to go on a date without another couple because I have no trust in people. He had a big friend group and I knew all of them, so he assured me this wouldn’t be a problem. When I got to his house, the person he’d asked to double with us was...his aunt, who he apparently lived with.

She was 21, I was 16, already great. Her date showed up and he was not aware it was a date. He thought they were just hanging out, not chaperoning her awkward little nephew and his new love interest. He was Polynesian. She made Hawaiian haystacks.

He’d never seen those before, but he walked into the house to the scent of badly burned rice because she couldn’t cook. He saved the rice, everything else was straight out of a can, it was great. They hadn’t planned anything, so they decided to throw blades with us in the backyard.

I did better than my date, he was upset, then his aunt nailed him in the behind with an airsoft BB and he was REALLY upset. To salvage things, his aunt suggested we go bowling. I was wearing ballet flats, so I had to wear his weird too-big 2010 teenage nerd socks, which I already had too many questions about that I didn’t want answered.

So we headed out to go bowling, but not before he tried to reclaim his teenage masculinity by squashing a spider on the wall... by kicking it, and kicking his leg right through the wall along with it. His leg got stuck. His aunt had to help him. I was not impressed.

Finally, we get to the bowling alley and walk in and we’re all really good…but then it gets really awkward because the manager is his aunt’s recent ex. So eventually the date ends, and he tries to kiss me in the back seat of his aunt’s car with both the aunt and her date watching. She cheered.

I’d like to say that I didn’t go on another date with him, but this wasn’t even the worst date I had in high school.

Taste Test

He stuck his fingers in my dessert, licked his fingers, and did it again!! I ordered a lemon meringue pie and offered for him to try some. He said “no” only to then proceed to say, “Actually, that looks good". Then he sticks his fingers in for a taste. Yuck!

A Night To Remember

Back in the day, I was on extended leave and was going through some rough times. So I went to Colombia to learn Spanish. I was out with some guys from the Spanish school and spotted this absolutely stunning woman. I knew I had to ask her out, even though my Spanish was still pretty basic.

So, I went ahead, asked her out, and to my surprise she said yes. One day later, the day of the date, I didn't feel so well but I decided to go ahead, I was so excited. So I went there, picked her up and we went to a nice restaurant. Afterward, we went for a walk on the beach—yep, sounds cheesy but it's true.

Right then, I started to feel really bad, becoming dizzy and all. That’s when it happened. I had to throw up—not normally, but with all the power my body could give. I don't remember lots about it, apparently, I fell unconscious and woke up at the hospital.

To my surprise, my date was sitting right next to me, in training clothes since I puked all over her. She was really worried and just said that we hadn’t had the chance to finish our date. This year, we're getting married.

He Got Gassed

white bed sheetPhoto by Emma Dau on Unsplash

My worst date started as a total high school thing: a girl wants to set up a date at her place while her parents are gone for the weekend on vacation or something. So I agree to it, we're having a good time, everything's going well.

It’s starting to get late, we're in bed together, and she totally passes out. She’s out cold, snoring, it’s like 3 am and I'm still awake. Then, she starts moving around on the bed a little…and she lets this toot rip like I've never heard.

It started and it just kept going....and going. At first, I thought maybe it was her little old dog. It wasn't...then it hits me and oh my god, it’s so rank. I pull up my shirt to cover my nose like a mask and in my mind, I'm thinking what the heck did she eat?

To top it all off, she then made this little noise of relief when it was finally over. I couldn't take it. I slipped my pants and socks and shoes on real gently so as not to wake her. As quietly as possible I walked out, down the stairs, and right out the front door. Luckily, she lived in my neighborhood and it wasn't a long walk home.

Of course, the next day she asked me where the heck I went and why but I didn't have the heart to tell her, I figured it would be too embarrassing.

Three’s Company

I’m taking a girl to the movies and she asks, "Can my best friend come too?" There goes my chances but trying to be nice, I say, “Of course you can!” She shows up with her friend, who is indeed a guy.

This is when I find out that it’s her one and only ex, but they remained best friends and nothing is happening between them. I think, “Well, this date is ruined, but let’s try to salvage it". I go to pay for our tickets (mine and hers), even when she offered to pay for hers.

After buying, she turns around and buys her ex’s ticket…We actually got along fine and they were nice people, but it was like a tug of war for the rest of the night fighting for her attention. Of course, I lose since they are best friends.

When I get home, the guy adds me on Facebook, and he proceeds to tell me don't bother trying to date her, she's a terrible girlfriend. I finally got her alone for one more movie, but it all just sort of fell apart. I actually really liked her, but clearly, I had no effect on her. Oh well, I guess.

Take note, future daters: movie dates are a bad idea.

Clownin’ Around

Perhaps not my worst date, but definitely the weirdest. I was on a date with this girl who seemed great: good-looking, funny, shared similar interests. It was our first date, and we were sitting in some bar that she's a regular at, discussing ourselves when it starts getting to the basic first date questions.

"So, you said you work in an office but is that what you really want to do?" I asked, "Did you go to school for it?" "Actually…” She says, reaching into her bag, "I'm currently going to clown school”. I kid you not, this girl had pulled out a red freaking clown nose and put it on.

Now, if this was our third date, I would have been less shocked. However, we had been talking for a week and this was the first date—we were supposed to IMPRESS each other. But she was good-looking, and I wanted to hook up.

So I said, "Oh! That's so cool. I didn't know clown school was actually a thing”.

"Oh, no, it's competitive!"

"I had no idea. So, are you in clown university, clown college, clown technical school?"

And then she took my joke as an attack. For a clown, she had a terrible sense of humor.

Equality At Any Cost

person holding sliced pizza with red saucePhoto by Klara Kulikova on Unsplash

I went on one date with a guy I wasn’t physically attracted to because he seemed nice. He spent the ENTIRE date bragging about how much money he made. We shared a pizza. I had one slice, he had six.

When the bill came, he said he’d appreciate it if we split it evenly “because that’s how things work these days”. He tried to make out with me when he dropped me off at home and my god, his breath... it was like he ate a dead raccoon.

Got Milk?

A few years ago, I went on a coffee date with a nursing student who described in vivid detail how he and his ex-girlfriend milked an old lady into a toilet at a party. According to him, that was not even the first time or party where he had milked her, he just happened to do it with his girlfriend that time.

I was mortified and found an excuse to promptly leave. The funniest part was a few days later when he texted me asking to go on a second date—which I ignored—followed by another text the next day that said, "It was the milk story, wasn't it?"

An Awkward Introduction

I got stood up at a cafe. She called and told me an emergency had come up and she wasn't going to make it. I had only been waiting for three or four minutes and wasn’t too upset about it, so I called a friend to see what he was doing.

I ended up meeting him across town at the bar he was drinking at, which is also where he introduced me to my date, who he had just met playing pool there.

An Icy Encounter

person wearing white leather ice skatePhoto by Kelli McClintock on Unsplash

Back in college, I was invited to an ice rink with a girl I liked and some of her friends. I did not know how to ice skate and I did not pick it up very quickly, but I wanted to try and impress her somehow. Well, I hugged the wall the whole time and made a fool of myself.

The highlight was when I saw a flash of light as I fell in front of a group of people. Turns out I had fallen right at the moment someone took a picture, so my failure was immortalized forever. She took me back to my apartment and ended the relationship before it began. But there's a silver lining.

The woman who is now my wife was at that ice rink on that night. We didn't realize we were there at the same time until a year or two into our relationship and she exclaimed, "You were that guy who couldn't ice skate! Yeah, she didn't seem that into you”.

Bragging Rights

On our second date, he bragged to me: 1) how long he was able to stay on unemployment, 2) how he was always able to talk his mom into letting him come home after she kicked him out, 3) how he basically paid for the $3,000 implants of a dancer, even though he didn't get anything for it.

He also revealed that he got locked up for about four months for pulling a pistol on some teenagers, but he didn't intend to use it. This was a half-brag, not a full brag. It was so strange because he seemed like a nice guy on the first date.

On the second date, with all of that, I was just laughing inside and wondering how I was going to end the date. Turns out it wasn’t a problem because after dinner he had to go and hang with his buddies at the video store.

Laying All Her Cards On The Table

My worst date? She had Crohn’s disease. She takes her pee bag out in the middle of our dinner date and says I need to look at it so I understand what I’m getting myself into. The catheter tube knocked over her drink. It was awful. Poor girl.

Momma’s Boy

woman in black tank top covering her face with her handsPhoto by Julia Taubitz on Unsplash

For our first date, he took me to dinner at his mother's…with his brother and the mother’s crazy housemate. After dinner, we watched Iron Chef with all of them while sitting on the floor because there weren’t enough chairs. During the show, his mother was talking to us about using vibrating toys when doing the housework to make it more enjoyable.

And here’s the best part: He didn't even live with his mother. Needless to say, it was our first and only date.

The Ole Switcheroo

My worst date started off as a date and ended up as an MLM pitch. On the plus side, I still have those Cutco scissors and they are decent.

The Stench Of Success

It was my third date with a girl, and we went to a Poison-Def Leppard concert. We weren't eating before the concert and I was starving, so I grabbed a chicken salad sandwich from a gas station before I picked her up.

Halfway through the show, I have to poop. Bad. I run to the can and every toilet is knee-deep in filth. We had VIP seats, so I figured I would wait and hit the VIP bar on the way out. I took a massive dump and made five guys scream about the stench, which made me giggle.

Well, we parked in front, pulled the car out, and sat and waited. All of a sudden, round two hits—and this time it is wet. I was getting stomach contractions every 2-3 minutes, I was death-clinching the steering wheel and sweating like a fat lady in Golden Corral.

I then had an epiphany that if I just tooted a little, I would feel better. Oh, how wrong I was. The soft serve ice cream machine in my shorts exploded and got everywhere. I ran into the woods, finished pooping, and wiped my butt with my wifebeater.

We have been married 12 years now and have three kids.

Didn’t See That One Coming

cappuccino on coffee tablePhoto by Ben Moreland on Unsplash

I was 19 or so, sitting at a bus stop bench waiting for the bus to go to work. This stunning woman sits next to me. Not long after, she starts talking to me. We have a pretty good conversation and I build up the courage to ask if she'd like to meet up sometime at a nearby coffee shop.

She says YES! We agree on a day and time then the last thing she says to me before I get on my bus is "It's a date”. I go to the coffee shop at the agreed time and see she is already there. But that's not all. She also has a male friend sitting right next to her.

No big deal, I figure he must be there in case I'm a creep or something. I sit across from her and we order a drink. Then right away she says, "So, what do you think about Jesus,” and pulls out a pamphlet. I reply, "I thought this was a date," and she says something along the lines of "I didn't think you'd show up if it wasn't”.

I ended up leaving right away before she saw me tear up. That was definitely my worst date ever.

Just Pop A Squat

I was in France and having a lovely dinner at a sidewalk cafe with a young lady I met the day prior. But in the middle of our dinner, she did something utterly deranged. She excused herself to use the restroom, got up, walked about ten feet, squatted, and peed in the gutter. Yup, no second date after that.