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Former Christians Explain Why They Really Left The Church

Former Christians Explain Why They Really Left The Church
Thomas Vitali/Unsplash

Christianity is a powerful religion. It has infiltrated many regions, cultures, and even politics.

However, as powerful as it is, people in the U.S. are leaving the religion in droves. Pew Research Center says the percentage of Americans who are Christian is down 12% from the last decade.

Interestingly, Pew Research Center reports:

"Meanwhile, the religiously unaffiliated share of the population, consisting of people who describe their religious identity as atheist, agnostic or 'nothing in particular,' now stands at 26%, up from 17% in 2009."

But, why are they leaving? Well, Ask Reddit wanted to know people's first hand accounts that gives us some insight into why they left the church.

Redditor hollgranty08 asked:

"Ex-Christians, what was the behavior/incident that finally pushed you to leave the church?"

Here are some real examples of some reasons people left Christianity.

Going against Jesus' teachings.

"One time a homeless man walked into our church hoping to be invited in for service, meet people and grab some food. Unfortunately for him, the deacons and pastor basically turned him away they basically said that there was no way they could help them and if he comes back then they're going to call the cops. I found this really repulsive as the bible is basically centered around helping others."

- bbqtenders

"It's interesting how so many Christians do the opposite of what Jesus would do. Did they skip over all the stories where Jesus took the time to help or talk to someone who was considered an inconvenience in society? Many of today's Christians praise the name of Jesus while acting just like the people he constantly criticized."

- Snowbank_Lake

"Too many Christians are taught that being baptized guarantees a spot in heaven, and so there's no real point in doing good."

- AlsoOneLastThing

"I've long said that if Jesus appeared now, the Christians would just see a brown Jewish hippie promoting socialism and kill him again."

"This is also why I have such admiration for Jimmy Carter. He has built his life around helping others. He's one of the few Christians out there that lives Jesus's teachings. He didn't even let brain cancer stop him building housing for the homeless."

- Freakears

Preaching selfishness but surrounded by luxury.

"Seeing how rich the pastors home was compared to the church goers. Everyone seemed blind to the hypocrisy of preaching selflessness and begging for donations week after week when this guys garage had 5 doors."

"They also judged people on the pettiest things having no awareness how the world really is for different people specially younger people."

"I did attend a more hippie church I loved for awhile but those people are rare."

"Too many things don't add up and I've come to understand I don't believe God exist in the way organized religion explains God. I believed it's much more complicated and cosmic to our understanding."

- lovelyaloy

"Yea I have some issues with that too. I had a fellowship leader teaching the lesson of rich people going to heaven is harder than putting camel thru eye of the needle. And we shouldn't like materialistic things to be spiritual. Then after the fellowship, he goes home in his Porsche 911 (expensive car). You will find the most people in church who have cognitive dissonance with what they teach and how they act."

- HawkResident5982

"About the same here. Hypocrites are rampant, and the conservative 'I got mine' mentality really killed it."

"You take a bunch of people wanting to believe, ask them for money, then the pastors brag about their trips and new cars. It is ridiculous, not to mention a lot of them I knew immediately forget or ignore the Bible's messages and go join energy companies."

- drivendreamer

Blind faith.

"I grew up in a split household. Half Catholic and half Jewish. It wasn't long after my first communion - which looking back on kind of creeps me out as I remember someone saying that the little girls were all like little brides - that I really decided which way to sway. My Jewish family always encouraged me to speak up and ask questions.

"After communion one Sunday, I went to the priest and began asking questions. I figured as a mouthpiece for our religion, he could answer some of the questions for me. As my questions became harder to answer, he finally told me that children should be seen and not heard. When I related the story back to Jewish family, they all got flustered, 'How will you learn then?!' It hit me that the Catholics didn't want people to learn or reason or question. They wanted blind faith."

- smudgewick

"This is absolutely true. I asked a priest after mass about a deep topic and he brushed me off. My Dad then scolded me for asking a question. I knew at that moment it was about a hidden answer and I knew the truth. Checked out at that moment."

- ao8520

"Because there is no answer, because the Bible is full of contradictions. They supposedly learn all the scholarly history etc in seminary. I don't think they can really believe what they are preaching. I've read a lot of priests and pastors get stuck going through the motions out of some sunk cost fallacy. They risk losing their entire social community with a nonsense qualification."

- MorrisWisely

"I firmly believe that religion was created to control the masses and the more educated the masses are, the less control you have."

- bluerose1197

Christianity blossomed as a religion when its potential to control the peasantry was realized.

"Blessed are the meek; blessed are the poor in spirit; it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven"

[Bear your burden and don't raise too much of a stink of why your lord lives in luxury and you lavish - you will have your eternal reward in the end ;) ]

- WildBilll33t

"Absolutely agree, this is largely about education. Educated people ask questions. Organized religion doesn't have answers that stand up to any level of scrutiny. Religion is a machine designed to remove money from the gullible."

- OnVelvetHill

God doesn't care where you pray.

"Hearing the pastor preach about how the church needs to raise $1mil so we can build a Prayer Center on campus, basically a big building where people can go to pray. I'm thinking 'God doesn't care where you pray, go out in the field and pray!' And then he said the churchgoers need to pay for this as a symbol of our faith."

- pink378

"Lol, I'm Jewish, and I knew that was BS the moment I read it."

"My family usually does our Shabbat services at home. We go to the synagogue for significant holidays, but that's pretty much it."

"If God is watching you, you don't need a designated place to pray."

- MasterYehuda816

"'Yet the news about him spread all the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.' ‭‭Luke‬ ‭5:15-16‬"

- eoscarbowman

"This is exactly what happened to me and my wife. The Pastor and his young adult kids would pull up to church in their Mercedes. Meanwhile, he started a campaign for a huge new church with all the new modern amenities. This was to be built literally right next to the current humongous and modern church."

"The final straw was him insisting on us giving money while I was unemployed and we had a new born child. We only had running water and electricity in our house at the time, things were rough. MF'er didn't offer assistance or help, only that we live by "faith" and offering money to the church every weekend."

"Never again will I fall into that trap."

- xman1102

God loves everyone.

"The utter hypocrisy of being told to love everyone and then listening to the list of people NOT in the category 'everyone.' (Gay people, people of other faiths, people of other races etc)."

"I believe that any God that is as petty, judgmental and unforgiving as we can be is not a God worth worship. Every little church has its own interpretation of the gospel but if you don't prescribe to that specific one then you are not going to heaven."

"I believe in being a good person, doing your best to live a life that does not harm others. In short, I believe in walking the walk, not talking the talk."

"If that lands me in a fiery hole, I'm ok with that, I will be in the company of some awesome people who missed out on that list too."

- Wendellisi

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"I completely agree. My dad's a Christian, my mum was not. My dad is a very difficult person to be around, highly judgmental of those groups you mentioned (even when he says he's not), has a temper problem, speaks to people rudely, amongst many other things."

"My mum wasn't. She didn't go to church or believe in it, but she was the most selfless, compassionate, kind and non-judgmental woman you could wish to meet. I struggle to believe God could condemn such a beautiful person to hell and my dad to heaven. She developed early onset Alzheimer's in her 50s and died a few years ago. My dad started taking her to church when she had Alzheimer's which she NEVER did and also donated £5,000 of her money in her will to the church. It stills gets me he did that to this day. I'm not religious, but I'm sure he'd be real pleased if he got Alzheimer's and I started taking him to a mosque every week and gave some of his inheritance to said mosque when he dies. Hypocrite."

- Informal-Data-2787

"I read a phrase once which [stuck] with me:"

"If 'God' is just, it will not care if you followed his advice, how you lived, etc. He will only care if you were a good Samaritan, and if you did good on others just out of the love on your heart."

"If he is unjust... why would you want to follow an unjust God?"

- Neoragex13

"'Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.'"

"'Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.'"

"'Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?'"

"'Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?'"

"Not sure who said it first; seems to be Epicurus but Britannica says David Hume which might be more reliable. Either way it's interesting."

- Frosty_Mess_2265

They must believe in Jesus.

"When I heard a pastor say with glee that Muslims are going to hell because they don't believe in Jesus."

"How can that concept ever be something to be happy about. Especially when the devout Muslims I know still think that Christians go to heaven..... It doesn't seem very.... Christian.... for want of a better word."

- phangl

"The funniest part about this is that Muslims DO believe in Jesus. At least, as a prophet."

- Dubanx

"Yeah, exactly. Why would anyone be gleeful about the idea that people are going to hell on a relatively minor difference - which is primarily driven by where they are born."

- phangl

"Interestingly, when I stopped believing in god, I had to let go of the idea of someone punishing all the people I disliked and/or disagreed with in the afterlife."

- VapoursAndSpleen

"Yeah, this is true. To be honest, I was never that sold on the heaven and hell thing, in the first place. What actually put me off the church was how much people seemed to WANT there to be a hell. I just couldn't square it with my values."

"I mostly saw god as a checker of my behavior, but still saw morality as a personal responsibility to understand."

"I stopped believing in a tangible god after I stopped going to church just due to a lack of evidence, and the fact that it wasn't being reinforced every Sunday. I still like the idea that I have a responsibility towards something intangible that can't be fooled. I accept it is probably useful, rather than true."

"The problem that I have with pure atheism/antitheism, is that it's very easy to fool/bargain with yourself, and convince yourself you are being your best self. It's harder when it feels like someone knows - for me, at least."

- phangl

The long game.

"For my confirmation, I was given a beautiful white leather bound bible. I read it. Twice. Every word. It left me with more questions than answers, so I talked to my pastor (who was a pretty cool dude), who smiled at me and said 'I knew you would be the one who'd figure it out', gave me a hug and told me that he enjoyed having me in his class. Basically, he admitted that it's all a bunch of bs. Been an atheist ever since."

- darkpixie1

"Holy sh*t. He really played the long game."

- slinky999

"He tried, he really did, but he was also always open to questions and discussions. In the 2 years of bible study (required before confirmation), he never 'preached', he was never condescending, he admitted to not having all the answers. Like I said, he was a really cool dude. To him, it seemed to me, his role as a pastor was more about community and being a decent person than belief. I wish more people of the church would be more like him."

- darkpixie1

"Penn Jillette said that there's no faster way to becoming an atheist than reading the bible."

- AEsylumProductions

"That was a major factor for me too."

- GardenStarling

"He was right. I was only 14 then, so I read it twice to make sure. Didn't change my mind."

- darkpixie1

​Indoctrination.

"Later in life, I've realized that a lot of the Biblical stories make sense to us because they are familiar."

"We all know that Jesus died on the cross to save us all. But it really only makes sense if you know that as a truth from very young age."

"If you stop to think that why would an almighty god need a human sacrifice to forgive the people he himself created to be flawed? There are really only two options: either he just wants a human sacrifice or there has to be an even higher power in the universe who dictates that you need such a sacrifice for forgiveness."

"Otherwise God could forgive us like we forgive each other, just out of humanity and understanding. We don't need blood rituals for that."

"Yet because we were taught from very early age that Jesus died for our sins, it makes sense."

- Pontus_Pilates

"Yeah I'm a Hindu who didn't grow up with biblical ideas and none of it makes sense to me. Why did someone have to die for everyone's sins? Why is everyone born sinful? Why are people who don't believe in Jesus going to hell even if they do good deeds? These ideas are just taken for granted in western society and it's all so weird to me."

"I did try to read about this stuff but everything has confusing words like ecumenical and ecclesiastical and Deuteronomy and whatever the hell else and I gave up. I also did try talking to a priest who was seated next to me on a 19 hr. flight about wtf is all this, and he tried explaining things, but it just got more confusing."

- sensitiveinfomax

"Religion was never pushed on me but my family is religious. Once I stopped fully believing and they'd ask why or whatever, I'd just say if god is really so benevolent and great he would understand my reluctance to believe in him."

"Thankfully I have a good family and they considered this a pretty good response and don't bug me about it."

- andywolf8896

Science and scripture.

"Sitting through an Episcopal sermon where the priest said that mental illness was being possessed by demons. At the handshake door (on the way out), I said, 'You have really f*cked this one up.' He responded with, 'A good Christian holds science in one hand and the scripture in the other.'"

"I knew it was just one priest but I was already on the fence about religion so I bolted."

- 3Suze

"Good call honestly. I grew up in a couple churches that also believed this (which is why I didn't get proper treatment until I was in my 20's. Cause praying MDD and an anxiety disorder away didn't work. That and literally one of the young people in the last church I went to had schizophrenia. When I heard how the pastor was preaching about demon possession and how the congregation behaved in reference to hearing things (that weren't attributed to God- that that was demons), I was appalled."

- USSNerdinator

"I agree a good Christian holds science in one hand and the scripture in the other but sounds like he doesn't have science even in the same building."

- ForgottenForce

The devil is in you.

"It didn't happen to me but my dad. The priest came near him, watched him, and said, 'You have the devil in you."

"Then left."

"My dad has never gone to a church since then Only when family members got married."

- RoberBot

"This reminds me of when my husband told me that when he was a kid and went to church, the priest randomly came up and told him he was the son of Satan because he had ADHD and couldn't sit still. Literally wtf why would anyone say that to a child."

- theflooflord

​

It's interesting to hear that people are seeing that the blind faith and hypocrisy are not what they want to subscribe to any longer. Even though the faith still has a huge influence on our politics and culture, perhaps we will see that begin to shift.


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Old Wives' Tales People Still Believe For Some Reason

"Reddit user the_spring_goddess asked: 'What is an old wives tale that people still believe?'"

Close up of an owl tilting their head to side, looking bewildered
Photo by Josh Mills

The old wives' tales.

They are the stories of legend.

I think we all need a big DEEP Google dive though.

Where did they originate?

WHO ARE THE OLD WIVES!

You don't hear about them as much anymore.

It's like science and logic are suddenly a thing.

But they sure are a good way to keep your kids and their behavior in line.

Redditor the_spring_goddess wanted to discuss the tall tales we've all been fed through life, so they asked:

"What is an old wives tale that people still believe?"

"Wait an hour to swim after eating."

What a crock!

So many summer hours wasted.

I want revenge for that one.

Say Nothing

Giphy

"An undercover cop has to tell you he's a cop if you ask him."

LonelyMail5115

"Pretty much most advice when it comes to cops are old wives tales. I’m not even a cop but most of the advice you hear is pretty off."

I_AM_AN_A**HOLE_AMA

Say Something

"That you have to wait 24 hours to report someone missing."

Severe_Airport1426

"I really think this one is important and should be the top regardless. As it’s a piece of advice that needs to be relearned and the only way to do that is through awareness."

crappycurtains

"This used to be true. I think they changed it after some guy named Brandon went missing back in the '80s or '70s. You used to have to wait 24 hours if the missing person was an adult because they had 'a right to be missing' and then everyone realized that was stupid and stopped doing it."

AlbinoShavedGorilla

Body Temps

"That drinking ice cold water after eating oily foods will solidify the oil and permanently remain in your body. I informed my coworker that if your body temperature ever reached that point, you’d have bigger problems than weight gain."

chriseo22

"Oh, I have a cousin who 100% believed this. One of those guys who believed every early 2000s internet rumor and old wives tale. One night I chugged a big glass of ice water after dinner and he started freaking out and saying my guts were gonna harden."

"I sarcastically told him to drive me to the hospital if that happened. Obviously, nothing happened and the next morning I said something like 'Thanks for being on standby in case my guts filled with hardened oil.' He just walked off muttering under his breath."

apocalypticradish

Arms Down

"When I was pregnant, I was told by young and old alike that I should NOT raise my arms above my head or exert myself in such a manner because it could cause cord strangulation to my unborn sons and daughters."

Fatmouse84

10 Years Actually

Unimpressed Uh Huh GIF by Brooklyn Nine-Nine Giphy

"Chewing gum stays in your stomach for 7 years."

REDDIT

"I remember accidentally swallowing a piece of gum when I was a kid in like 1995 and just accepting my fate like welp, gonna have this in my stomach til high school I guess."

Gecko-911

I was so afraid to sallow my gum when I was young.

This tale is haunting.

High/Low

Hungry Debra Messing GIF by Will & Grace Giphy

"You can tell the sex of the baby by how you carry."

LeastFormal9366

"Pregnancy certainly wins awards for the most old wives tales. So much absolute BS was repeated to us by everyone we talked to."

IllIIIlIllIlIIlIllI

The Cursed

"If you’re a woman and you wear opal jewelry but opal is not your birthstone (October), you’ll never be able to have children, or will be widowed, or just generally have bad luck or something. You can counteract this by having a diamond in the same piece of jewelry as the opal, though."

"I have a nice opal ring that my parents gave me years ago, and I’ve had other women give me this 'advice' unprompted more than once when I’ve worn it. I have absolutely no idea where it started, but I’m pretty sure this little chunk of silicate rock has no concept of what month I was born in, let alone of how my reproductive organs work."

SmoreOfBabylon

Stay In

"Going outside with wet hair will make you get pneumonia. Or an earache. Or maybe arthritis. Depends on which old wife you listen to."

"Jokes on them - I haven't blow-dried my hair in decades and usually leave the house with wet hair in the morning. On winter mornings, the tips of my hair get frozen. No ear infections or pneumonia or arthritis yet."

worldbound0514

Dreams and Facts

"You never make anyone up in your dreams you've seen everyone in your dreams somewhere else before and never make anyone up entirely."

"How would you possibly prove that to be true? My partner adamantly believes this and tells me this 'fact' whenever I have a dream about someone I've never met before."

mattshonestreddit

"My late wife used to tell me that before she met me she would have dreams of standing at an alter on her wedding day but could never see the guy's face, no matter how hard she tried. After meeting me the face was filled in with mine. Don't know if it's true but one of those things I like thinking of every now and then when I miss her."

Darthdemented

Cracked

Getting Ready Episode 2 GIF by The Office Giphy

"Some people still believe cracking knuckles causes arthritis."

Choice-Grapefruit-44

"There's a doctor (Donald Unger) that cracked his knuckles a couple of times a day for 60 years, but only on one hand, just to prove it. Both hands remained exactly the same."

MacyTmcterry

I love my knuckles.

Do you have any tall tales to add to the list? Let us know in the comments below.

old wives tales

People Who Wouldn't Quit Their Job If They Won The Lottery Explain What They Do

lottery tickets
Erik Mclean on Unsplash

A lot of workers daydream about some day winning the lottery and being able to say goodbye to their job.

Far too many workers are unhappy with their job duties, workplace dynamics or company culture.

But with a taste for luxuries like housing and food, they keep plugging away, year after year.

However not everyone feels that way about their job.

So what are these compelling careers?

Keep reading... Show less
work

People Describe The Most 'Small Town' Thing They've Ever Witnessed

Aerial view of a church in a small town
Sander Weeteling/Unsplash

There's something comforting about living in a small town.

It's characterized by close communities where neighbors know each other by name and there is an abundance of kindness extended to others.

Gift-giving is a commonality, as is the sharing of recipes, and people going out of their way to help each other in a time of need.

The pace of living in small towns is also a striking contradiction to city life, where crowds of people go about their busy lives without much interaction.

Curious to hear more examples of what small town living is like, Redditor official_biz asked:

"What's the most 'small town' thing you've witnessed?"

These are positive examples of a tight-knit community.

Live Updates

"We have a village Facebook page. Every time the ice cream man drives into the village, the entire page goes ballistic. People send live updates of where the van is and which direction he's heading. The ice cream man has started accepting DMs so he knows which streets to go down."

– PyrrhuraMolinae

Brush With The Law

"I’m from a town of less than 2,000 people. When I worked at the grocery store there people would often drop off stuff for my family members because they didn’t want to drive all the way down to our house. I no longer live there but recently got a call from my daughter. She had been stopped for speeding and handed over her license and insurance which happens to be in my mother’s name. The officer goes 'Hey, you’re Donnie’s granddaughter! I ain’t gonna write you a ticket but I’m telling Donnie when I see him tomorrow cause we’re going fishing.' She replied 'I think I’d rather have the ticket.'”

- Reddit

Roadside Catchup

"The traffic on the 'main street' of my town is so sparse, two drivers going opposite directions can stop and talk to each other for a few minutes without causing any problem."

– anon

When things go wrong, people take notice without incident.

Bank Robbery

"A guy robbed a bank and everyone knew immediately who he was and the teller got mad at him."

– AlexRyang

"A local bank was robbed and one of the tellers told the police to bring her a yearbook from about ten years earlier and she would be able to point the robber out. He had been in the grade before hers in school."

– Strict_Condition_632

Wise Woman

"When I worked at the bank in town there was an older lady that had worked there through 5 mergers."

"She knew everyone, there was a young guy yelling at me one day. She walked out of the back and he immediately quieted. She went off about telling his grandmother that he was treating young women like sh*t. She also said that if he didn’t straighten up not one girl in town would ever marry him she would make sure of it."

– ilurvekittens

Intoxicated Local

"Town drunk was paralyzed and used a motorized wheelchair to get around. I was driving home one Saturday night and said town drunk was passed out in his wheelchair doing circles almost directly in the town square. Had to call his brother who came and picked him up on a rollback truck. Strapped him down and drove off into the cold dark night."

– DoodooExplosion

Grazing Over To The Bar

"In my former small town, there was an older guy who'd lost his license after getting a few DUIs. Every day, he would ride his John Deere lawnmower to the corner bar around 3PM and sit around watching TV and sipping his beer well into the night. Then he'd head the couple miles back home on his mower. He even had a little canvass shell he put on when it rained or got too cold."

– brown_pleated_slacks

It's not surprising how small town people behave differently than those who are from metropolitan areas.

Welcoming Committee

"I lived in a small town. When I moved there, people would ask, 'Whose house did you buy?'"

–MoonieNine

"Move to a small town. 30 years later, you are still the new guy."

– impiousdrifter

"I lived in a small town for most of my childhood but I wasn't "from there" because my grandparents weren't from there."

– raisinghellwithtrees

"Worked with an older guy, relative of the owner of the business, he was 73. I asked him if he was a local, he said 'no his parents moved here when he was two.'"

– realneil

A Busy Day

"Lived in a town of about 5,000: A woman walked into the DMV on a Friday, saw that there were 3 people ahead of her and left to come back another time when they weren't so busy."

– KenmoreToast

Who Let The Dogs Out?

"My dogs got out while i was working. the police called my niece's elementary school (she was a 5th grader) to get her to round them up and take them back home."

– mediocrelpn

"There was a small kennel behind the police station for runaways. They called us saying they had our dog, and moments later our dog showed up home. He broke out of jail."

– Worried_Place_917

While life in a small town sounds appealing, I don't know if I can ever live in one.

I'm so used to life in big cities, I think it would be quite unnerving to adjust in a neighborhood where everyone literally knows your business.

I would be paranoid.

And I'm sure the same could be said of life in the big city.

Would you consider making the switch to life in a different setting?

living

The Wittiest Things People Have Ever Heard Someone Say

Two women laughing
Photo by Dave George on Unsplash

Every now and then, a friend of ours might say something, or we might overhear a complete stranger say something that makes us stop in our tracks.

More often than not, what we can't believe we just heard is something so ridiculous, we can't help but put the person who said it in their place.

Other times, however, what we just heard might have stunned us silent because of how shockingly clever it was.

Resulting in our not wanting to scold or yell at someone, but rather give them a handshake.

Redditor SubmergingOriginal was curious to hear the sharpest and wittiest things they've ever heard, from friends and strangers alike, leading them to ask:

"Enough with the dumbest; what is the wittiest thing you've ever heard someone say?"

Don't Give Me So Much Credit...

'I was on a team at work that was on a project working insane overtime."

"One night after an 80-90 hour week, we were all sitting around the table trying to finish up so we could go home."

"Around 11, my buddy's wife called, dubious about the hours he'd been keeping."

"We heard her through the line - 'are you cheating on me?'"

"Exasperated, he looked at our boss, then replied 'honey, if I was cheating on you, I would have been home by now'."- lionbatcher

Eternal Optimism...

"Asked a blind guy if he'd been blind his whole life."

"He said 'Not yet'."- Feeling_Mode_6465

Free time Isn't The Only Thing He Has On His Hands...

"My brother got a vasectomy and when the doctor was releasing him and giving him instructions (with the nurse listening in), one of the orders was to 'come back and have a follow-up appointment after you’ve ejaculated 30 times'.”

"Without missing a beat my brother asked 'what time do you open tomorrow?'”

"The nurse couldn’t keep it together after hearing that."- UtahUtopia

Awkward Season 8 GIF by The Office Giphy

Double Whammy!

"My pal uses the phrase 'he doesn’t look strong enough to carry information' and it cracks me up every time."

"Calling someone stupid and weak in one fell swoop."- JennyW93

Can't Hide Your DNA...

'Whenever I jokingly insult my mum, she says 'that must be where you get it from'."

"She cracked the code."

"I can never offend her without offending myself."- JennyW93

Self-Sufficient!

"My brother was a line cook at a New Orleans restaurant."

"My mom was in town, staying at a fancy hotel, and he stopped by after work, still wearing his kitchen whites."

"He was reading a newspaper in the lobby waiting for her to come down when the shocked lobby manager sputtered at him, 'MAY I HELP YOU!?!?'

"He answered, 'thanks, but I know how to read',” and went back to his paper."- jobrody

Morph Current Affairs GIF by Aardman Animations Giphy

A Miracle!

"My brother-in-law’s comment."

"The entire family went out for my mother’s 80th birthday and after the meal we all went to a local park, largely occupied by the elderly, to rest."

"My mother needed crutches at this point, and they were resting against her bench."

"My 10-year-old niece, who looked like every starving waif image from Dickens, grabbed the crutches and started hobbling round the park."

"All the OAPs were following her progress with looks of pity until my brother ran up behind her, and kicked away the crutches."

"There was an audible gasp from round the park and then my niece picked the crutches back up and started chasing my brother, clearly intending to hit him."

"In the confused silence my brother-in-law’s voice rang out 'Praise be! She can walk again!'"

"We still think this was the highlight of the birthday celebrations."- DdraigGwyn

Still Legal, Whichever Way You Cut It...

"I picked up my pleasantly tipsy boyfriend from a nightclub."

"We were stopped by the Police for a random breath test."

"They asked me my age, and I said, 33."

"My bf blurted out '33? You told me you were 22'."

"Police just laughed and let me go."- Aggravating-Corgi379

Music Video Police GIF by Andrew W. K. Giphy

A Bit Too On The Nose?

"Business law class in college years ago, talking about the issues that black Americans had before the Civil Rights."

"Amendment, trying to travel through the south with the discrimination so rampant, trying to find restaurants to serve them and decent lodgings."

"My instructor was posing a hypothetical: 'So you pull up out front of this place, you're exhausted from driving for hours, and you see the sign out front says 'Ku Klux Klan Motel'."

"'What would you expect to find there?'"

"Without missing a beat, from the back of the room came this gem: "'Extra sheets in every room?'"- NedsAtomicDB

Not Yet, Anyway...

"I was working with my friend and his dad."

"My friend (26) heard an ice cream truck near where we were working."

"He asked his dad if he could have a couple dollars."

"His dad asked, 'what for?'"

"My friend told his dad that there was an ice cream truck in the neighborhood, and that they were playing music."

"My friends dad told him "'They don't charge anything to listen to the music'."- tatersalad1234567890

Words Escape You In The Literal "Heat" Of The Moment...

"A friend of mine is a teacher and her husband is known for his wit."

"She told this story to him:"

"One day at school a kid took the hall pass and returned reeking like smoke."

"She asked the kid if he’d been smoking and he denied it over and over."

"She was about to send him to the office when she noticed smoke coming from somewhere."

"She told the kid and he realized that he didn’t put his cig out completely and it was burning in his pants pocket."

"The kid noticed and frantically tried to put it out and someone finally poured water on it."

"Her husband sat listening to this with a weird look on his face."

"She asked him what was wrong."

“'What’s wrong???'"

"'This was probably the only chance you’ll have in your life to say literally, ‘liar,liar, pants on fire’ and you missed your chance'."- Luder714

On Fire No GIF by PEEKASSO Giphy

Amazing What You Might Say A Few Drinks In...

"When I went to a renaissance faire once, I went to a beer tent and ordered a Newcastle Brown Ale (seemed the most fitting for the surroundings)."

"The beer wench, without skipping a beat, said, 'Everyone wants a Newcastle - no one wants to remodel!'"- jayhof52

Read The Room People!

"My dad wiped out when skiing down a mountain and lost a ski."

"After a few minutes of hunting for it, he gives up, slings the one remaining ski over a shoulder and starts walking down the mountain in his ski boots."

"About half-way down, another skier stops and goes 'Gee! Did you lose a ski?'"

"My dad instantly replied 'No, I was out for a walk and found one!'"- PeterJoAl

There's a reason your mother always told you to "use your words".

As clever remarks can have a much more lasting effect on people than a push or shove.


witty