Being cheated on sucks. What a lot of people don't realize, though, is that it can suck for longer than just that moment, that incident, or even that relationship. Cheating can leave a lasting wound and sow the kinds of trust issues that follow us around for ages. One Reddit user was battling that insecurity from a past relationship when her current fiance started acting more distant. She said she was feeling "really insecure with his change in behavior" even though he gave a valid reason for it. She couldn't let the nagging feeling go, so she created fake profiles on popular dating sites to see if she could find him.
She did. So she turned to Reddit for help.
We'll let her explain:
My fiance and I have been together a year and a half, we moved in with one another a few months ago. Lately he has been a bit distant. I've been cheated on in the past and have been really insecure with his change in behavior. He has assured me he is just stressed about work and because his car broke down a couple weeks ago and he hasn't gotten a replacement yet.
I couldn't let the nagging feeling go, so I did a little investigating. I didn't snoop in his phone or personal accounts, but I made a fake profile on a popular dating site and found him there. He was last online July 1st.
I don't know what to do. How do I confront him? What do I say? Can our relationship be saved? Do I even want to save it?
I feel like I am a wreck right now
Buckle up, guys. You're about to go on a roller coaster of a ride with these responses and updates. Some have been edited for language or clarity.
Got popcorn? Let's do this.
Catfish Him!
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Don't marry someone who is still out there "dating" unless you are okay with an open relationship. If you confront him, he'll say, "it belongs to a friend", "it was just a joke", "I forgot I even had it".
Test him out on the website and see if he is active or if it really does belong someone else.
This Is Ridiculous
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If you don't trust him to the point of going online and creating a fake profile to see if he's on there, and then plan on talking to him through the fake profile to see if he's actually using it, then you're definitely in no position to marry him and you should save yourself the time and ridiculousness and break up.
Catfishing Will Help Her?
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Honestly, the other reason I can think of for op to do it is to help her break away from him. Successfully catfishing him would maybe make her more definite about the breakup, and make it psychologically easier to process (more concrete proof he's bad = easier to let go of, depending on your personality... Although for other people it'd backfire because knowing your SO could hurt you that badly would mess them up.)
Another Perspective
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If I can offer another perspective, about 2 days ago I suddenly got an email from okcupid saying I had matches. Which is great, except I've been in the same relationship for 3.5 years and disabled my account the first month we met. Then got a second email saying there was suspicious activity on my account.
So what did I do? Immediately notified my partner and showed him the emails and asked if he was comfortable with me logging in to see what was up. I did and yup, account had been hacked. In another relationship before we both had our POF accounts suddenly reactivate as well. Dating sites are weird.
So it's possible he was hacked or it got randomly reactivated. But what would be inexcusable is not telling your partner...my first instinct this week wasn't to just go and quietly sort my profile hacking out without notifying my partner....my first instinct was to be open and transparent with the truth. And he was like "huh. Weird. Go do whatever you need to do."
So if he's not cheating them he still has a loooooot of work to do to be an open, honest and transparent partner.
- musicmaj
Be An Adult
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Don't catfish him. Be an adult and confront him. Entrapment is hardly a healthy way to continue a relationship. Ah let's be honest, your relationship is doomed if you are actually considering this as a logical move.
- rbus
Definitely Catfish
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Definitely catfish this to make sure. It's too easy to explain away the active account as "being hacked" -- that's the standard excuse.
On the other hand, I did something completely innocent once that looked shady; I'd been in a relationship with someone for a few months and she got upset/concerned because she'd noticed my POF account was showing as recently active. It was, but I'd logged in once to try and delete the account, then quickly gave up looking for the option. She was OK with the explanation, but I also evidence to prove I'd sent polite "thanks for chatting but I've met someone, bye" messages to 3 or 4 women a month or so prior. I understood why it looked shady though, and was happy to provide proof if she asked for it.
Basically, these things can happen, but don't just take people at their word if you can get proof. If your BF is guilty, he's not going to hold up his hands and say, "yes, you caught me."
Assuming The Worst
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Here's some possible perspective that I might give you.
I met my wife on OkCupid. 2 years in of dating I noticed I hadn't deactivated my account. I logged into it, laughed about the in retrospect cringey shit I wrote in there to try and land a date. I had grown a lot in 2 years. Signed out.
If my wife had seen that I logged in, man, she might have been pretty damn concerned.
A few weeks later I thought, huh, worst case scenario is kinda bad, she might see I still have this. I deactivated it and told her I deactivated it and laughed about the cringey shit I had in there, and laughed about my imagining a paranoid scenario where she would snoop on me and confront me.
Just don't assume the worst of your partner. Has he given you any real reason to?
That being said, you are free to test him out. Ask a friend he doesn't know to hit him up and see how he responds is my idea. That way you can put all this to rest. However, you run the risk of being wrong if you do this. If he finds out you secretly snooped, didn't ask him directly, asked a friend to do this stuff, etc... It shows you don't trust him, and for me personally if they can't trust me, there can't be a relationship in the first place.
Because That Would Be Crazy
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OP, I hope you don't catfish because that would be crazy. Just talk to your fiancé, and if you feel you can't trust him after that then break off the engagement. You are planning on marrying this man, and you need to know how to properly communicate and trust your partner without going behind their back and playing games.
It's hard since you have been lied to and cheated on before, but that's it's even more important that you're able to be with someone that you can trust.
And if he doesn't bite the bait, what will you do? Pretend it didn't happen? You've already made a fake profile and looked for him... from his side, that would sound some pretty big alarms.
- Avertri
Overreacting
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Aren't you overreacting just a bit here? Just tell him what you found. Although it doesn't bode well that you can't just share your feelings.
The Plan Of A 14-year-old
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Obviously you shouldn't try to catfish him. That would be the plan of a 14 year old school girl.
If you must get your screenshots, then ask him what is going on. Talk to him, and respond as if you are a mature adult woman.
Seriously 🙄
UPDATE: Now It's An International Incident
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After reading some responses and suggestions, the girl decided her best course of action was to try and catfish her man rather than talk to him. She couldn't be sure it was him using the profile, so she felt like she needed to catch him in action. She enlisted the help of an old friend who lived in a different country and whose pictures the suspected-cheater had never seen. The friend cleared things with her man and our leading lady got to work creating the profile to try and catch her man.
In Her Own Words
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Thank you everyone. Further investigating is leading me to believe that it is an older profile. The pics aren't recent and I can positively date 8/9 of them to before our relationship the last I am not sure on the date. I think that means a hacking/signing in to try and delete the thing scenarios a little more plausible. I don't think that in itself is enough to break up over... So I guess it is time to either confront or catfish. People here are kinda split on it, but I took the advice to catfish. I need to know for sure. Will update when/if anything comes of it. I texted an old HS friend he has never seen pics of to ask if I could use hers for my profile...
PLOT TWIST!
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So off goes our leading lady creating fake profiles to try to catch her man cheating. She spent a while making the perfect profile using her international friends pictures, then fired off a message to her man. When she didn't get a response she logged back on to the site to see if he had even read the message. That's when she discovered his profile was now deleted.
Now what?
She had no choice left but to confront him or let the unanswered question eat her alive. She opted to confront.
ANOTHER UPDATE: "Clearly My Fake Account"
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I posted a few days ago because I found my fiance on an online dating site. I took reddit's advice and catfished him...
A few hours after I set the bait, I found that his profile had been deleted.
When he came home from work I showed him the screen shot and asked him what was up.
Long story short, He was hanging out with his coworker and the coworker was frustrated with figuring out how to navigate the ame dating site. My fiance signed into his old account (opened in 2013) to try to help his friend figure it out. Apparently a lot had changed on this particular site and he realized that his knowledge on the site was too out of date so he logged out and that was it. A few days later he saw in his email that he had gotten a message from a woman on the site and he then deleted his account.
He obviously couldn't show me his dating site account, but he did volunteer to show me his email account with all the alerts from the site, the only woman that had messaged him recently was clearly my fake account. He also realized when we were looking through his email that he had an unused old profile on another dating site, he signed in and deleted that one in front of me.
I fessed up about catfishing him. He wasn't upset at all. Said he understood completely considering my history and that I have been in therapy for trust issues for years. He was more upset with himself for not realizing that his behavior would make me so insecure.
I apologized for not trusting him and catfishing. He apologized for being so distant lately and not deleting his dating profiles ages ago.
He offered an open phone/social media/email policy between us, in case we ever stumble across another "trust but verify" type of situation.
The responses to her update were ... um ... interesting.
Save Your Sanity
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Sweet baby lord Jesus a lot of people on this thread need therapy. OP, save your sanity and delete these threads.
- mdp928
Six Months Tops
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"Life is good," but you're so insecure you can't trust your boyfriend enough to have an adult conversation about this and instead go straight to catfishing?
I not only give this relationship six months tops, unless you start handling problems in a healthy way, this kind of situation will keep happening.
Before Considering Marriage
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Yeah I was on OP's side but now they both seem dysfunctional. Like how did she know which dating site he was on, there are so many! And I'm sure the boyfriend had a back up story ready, maybe because OP has trust issues. Now they have a marriage date set?
They both need to work on their relationship and trust issues before considering marriage. Not a boat any of us would like to be on.
- rrr_zzz
"Handled My Crazy Girl Side With Grace"
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Super relieved to hear this. Sometimes communication is best. I agree that it is okay to do a little snooping because you want to be smart enough not to fall for bs or be blind to deception. But it is also good when your partner can talk to you so openly and you can work things out and get through a misunderstanding. So happy for you! I had a similar situation with my boyfriend. We met on a dating site and a few months ago we were a little distant because of stress and him finishing school. I got insecure and went through his phone and found dating app messages. I confronted him about it and it turned out that it was just spam and he proved it to me by logging in and showing me that the last activity was a month before he met me. I was really happy he handled my crazy girl side so gracefully. I wasn't in the right but it felt good to know that we can be open about anything that bothers either of us.
Communication Resolves Issues
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This is the best kind of update!!!
My friend recently messaged me to let me know she had come across my BF's profile on Bumble, she had been cheated on by her fiancée so she's really sensitive about these things. I knew it was probably nothing, but there's always that voice.
BF was out of the country at the time (even weirder that his profile was showing up!), I debated waiting for him to come back (where the small voice might become a louder voice), or just saying it to him via text (where I can't read his facial expression / tone of voice). I did end up just messaging him, he knows I have a touch of anxiety so I told him I knew it was likely nothing but just needed to raise it with him to shut that voice up. He reassured me that he just hadn't deactivated account and that he's not using it or any other dating apps, where we live or abroad. He said he wasn't bothered to reinstall the app just to deactivate it, unless I really wanted him to, I'm not that fussed.
He travels a lot for work, before his next trip we were out for dinner, I made a joke about it and told him I wouldn't accuse him of cheating on me this time, he took out his phone, placed it in front of me and said *"Anytime you want to check, just let me know."*
Who knew communication resolves issues in relationships!?
Tricks Instead Of Communication
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I'm not trying to be mean but make sure you have everything mentally in order before you get married. By your own admission you have some stuff to work through. And it puts a lot of strain on a marriage if the people in it don't trust each other and use tricks instead of communication.
H/T: Reddit
The old wives' tales.
They are the stories of legend.
I think we all need a big DEEP Google dive though.
Where did they originate?
WHO ARE THE OLD WIVES!
You don't hear about them as much anymore.
It's like science and logic are suddenly a thing.
But they sure are a good way to keep your kids and their behavior in line.
Redditor the_spring_goddess wanted to discuss the tall tales we've all been fed through life, so they asked:
"What is an old wives tale that people still believe?"
"Wait an hour to swim after eating."
What a crock!
So many summer hours wasted.
I want revenge for that one.
Say Nothing
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"An undercover cop has to tell you he's a cop if you ask him."
LonelyMail5115
"Pretty much most advice when it comes to cops are old wives tales. I’m not even a cop but most of the advice you hear is pretty off."
I_AM_AN_A**HOLE_AMA
Say Something
"That you have to wait 24 hours to report someone missing."
Severe_Airport1426
"I really think this one is important and should be the top regardless. As it’s a piece of advice that needs to be relearned and the only way to do that is through awareness."
crappycurtains
"This used to be true. I think they changed it after some guy named Brandon went missing back in the '80s or '70s. You used to have to wait 24 hours if the missing person was an adult because they had 'a right to be missing' and then everyone realized that was stupid and stopped doing it."
AlbinoShavedGorilla
Body Temps
"That drinking ice cold water after eating oily foods will solidify the oil and permanently remain in your body. I informed my coworker that if your body temperature ever reached that point, you’d have bigger problems than weight gain."
chriseo22
"Oh, I have a cousin who 100% believed this. One of those guys who believed every early 2000s internet rumor and old wives tale. One night I chugged a big glass of ice water after dinner and he started freaking out and saying my guts were gonna harden."
"I sarcastically told him to drive me to the hospital if that happened. Obviously, nothing happened and the next morning I said something like 'Thanks for being on standby in case my guts filled with hardened oil.' He just walked off muttering under his breath."
apocalypticradish
Arms Down
"When I was pregnant, I was told by young and old alike that I should NOT raise my arms above my head or exert myself in such a manner because it could cause cord strangulation to my unborn sons and daughters."
Fatmouse84
10 Years Actually
Unimpressed Uh Huh GIF by Brooklyn Nine-Nine
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"Chewing gum stays in your stomach for 7 years."
"I remember accidentally swallowing a piece of gum when I was a kid in like 1995 and just accepting my fate like welp, gonna have this in my stomach til high school I guess."
Gecko-911
I was so afraid to sallow my gum when I was young.
This tale is haunting.
High/Low
Hungry Debra Messing GIF by Will & Grace
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"You can tell the sex of the baby by how you carry."
LeastFormal9366
"Pregnancy certainly wins awards for the most old wives tales. So much absolute BS was repeated to us by everyone we talked to."
IllIIIlIllIlIIlIllI
The Cursed
"If you’re a woman and you wear opal jewelry but opal is not your birthstone (October), you’ll never be able to have children, or will be widowed, or just generally have bad luck or something. You can counteract this by having a diamond in the same piece of jewelry as the opal, though."
"I have a nice opal ring that my parents gave me years ago, and I’ve had other women give me this 'advice' unprompted more than once when I’ve worn it. I have absolutely no idea where it started, but I’m pretty sure this little chunk of silicate rock has no concept of what month I was born in, let alone of how my reproductive organs work."
SmoreOfBabylon
Stay In
"Going outside with wet hair will make you get pneumonia. Or an earache. Or maybe arthritis. Depends on which old wife you listen to."
"Jokes on them - I haven't blow-dried my hair in decades and usually leave the house with wet hair in the morning. On winter mornings, the tips of my hair get frozen. No ear infections or pneumonia or arthritis yet."
worldbound0514
Dreams and Facts
"You never make anyone up in your dreams you've seen everyone in your dreams somewhere else before and never make anyone up entirely."
"How would you possibly prove that to be true? My partner adamantly believes this and tells me this 'fact' whenever I have a dream about someone I've never met before."
mattshonestreddit
"My late wife used to tell me that before she met me she would have dreams of standing at an alter on her wedding day but could never see the guy's face, no matter how hard she tried. After meeting me the face was filled in with mine. Don't know if it's true but one of those things I like thinking of every now and then when I miss her."
Darthdemented
Cracked
Getting Ready Episode 2 GIF by The Office
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"Some people still believe cracking knuckles causes arthritis."
Choice-Grapefruit-44
"There's a doctor (Donald Unger) that cracked his knuckles a couple of times a day for 60 years, but only on one hand, just to prove it. Both hands remained exactly the same."
MacyTmcterry
I love my knuckles.
Do you have any tall tales to add to the list? Let us know in the comments below.
