Listen to me babies... listen closely. Hot is just not worth dating if they're not also an amazing partner for you. Beauty fades, but you're going to have to deal with their personality for forever. So yes, Johnny with the 9-pack abs and buns of steel and biceps the size of your head might be gorgeous, but if he also believes that education is a tool the devil uses to pull people away from their walk with God... weeeeeeell ... yeah. Take it from me, honey, it's not going to work. Hot Johnny may pretty quickly go from just disagreeing with your educational choices to hiding your car keys from you so you can't go to class and insisting you watch televangelists with him and eat grilled cheese instead. And yes, Hot Johnny will know that school is important to you and that you're lactose intolerant, but being lactose intolerant is a lie from the devil, too.
Spoiler Alert: As far as Hot Johnny is concerned, I picked Satan over him. He's still hot, but has now started going by Johnweh and is a full-blown conspiracy theorist. I mean, great abs don't outweigh my desire for education, my need to avoid severe gastrointestinal distress, or my conviction that the world is round.
One Reddit user asked:
What's the biggest red flag you overlooked because your significant other was so hot?
And now I feel better. Apparently tons of us have our own Hot Johnny stories. Here are some of my favorites, edited for language where needed. If you learn anything from these cautionary tales, it should be that if friends or family warn you - maybe you should listen.
"Sacrifice is something other people do for me"
Apparently I was dating a Disney villain and didn't notice.
At Least She Was Honest
I watched her be abusive and manipulative towards the guy she was dating when I met her and we were still just friends. For some reason I thought it wouldn't be like that with me. It was.
She also told me herself, when we first started dating, that she was really f*cked up and that most people who dated her ended up hating her. I didn't believe it. She turned out to be really f*cked up, and I ended up hating her.
Dad Warned Me
Her father told me days before we got married that she was a severe narcissist and incapable of loving anyone but herself. Thinking back, all I had were red flags, no green flags really at all.
I should of turned in the parking lot of that Cracker Barrel, got in my vehicle and drove away. But I didn't, and I've basically been miserable since.
Neon Warning Sign
I ignored the biggest flashing neon sign warning about my ex that came from a friend of his. She told me:
"He is going to be very hard to love because he is always looking for a fight and thinks he has something to prove. I'm not trying to tell you what to do but I'm just warning you about it. If you think you're up to the task then go for it but I just wanted to let you know."
I wish I would have heeded her warning.
As we got to know each other she'd tell me about a lot of the sh*tty people she'd had in her life, who'd treated her poorly or caused drama for no reason. Over time it became more and more obvious that her idea of "toxic drama-starter" translated to "anyone who tells her the truth about her own terrible behavior."
I watched her treat a waitress like trash for something the waitress couldn't control, and when I called her out on it she said she couldn't believe I'd attack her like that, and I should support her 100% no matter what she did. In her own mind, every action she took was justified, and anyone who said differently was "being negative", and she "didn't need that in her life."
"I'm mentally unstable, emotionally manipulative, and will probably hurt you."
Oh, but he was physically a Greek god.
He was dumber than a rock. I swear to Christ he was the walking inspiration for Derek Zoolander. Walking and screwing were about the only things he could do without breaking something or causing something to go wrong. He:
-Attempted to wash (my) dishes with laundry soap
-Was apparently unfamiliar with two-knob showers and couldn't figure out how to make a hot shower happen at my place, until he asked
-Could not, to save his life, remember where I lived or what apartment I was in, even after coming over five times
-Thought the US president had the same unilateral powers and reign as a monarch
-Confused the 4th of July with Presidents Day, assumed his work schedule was incorrect for scheduling him on Presidents Day as they must be closed, and simply did not go in
-Consistently told me our star signs were "plutonic" together (still unsure what he meant)
-Upon learning that shelter dogs were always fixed, asked me why there were so many puppies then
I made it through three weeks. If I'd have stayed with him I'd have had to develop a heroic drinking problem just to cope. Good lord was he hot though, I seriously didn't want to admit he was also profoundly dumb.
Red Flag About Myself
Everyone warned me he was (and is) noncommittal.
Proceeded to date him with the idea of:
"But what about ME?! Who wouldn't want to commit to ME?!"
Also a red flag about myself. Heyo! We all have red flags to someone!
Catch And Release
He played the classic catch and release game with me.
Any pleasant, romantic, sweet, loving, gratuitous thing I did, he would would treat me like sh*t.
When I would show zero interest in him for being such a dick head he would treat me like royalty. He'd pull out every stop, every trick in the book to romance me and make me forget about it.
When I would be sweet again it turned him off. The more I ignored him and rejected him for being a total as$h*le, the more he wanted me. It was this weird game.
After a while I grew tired. I didn't want to play anymore.
He got into a car wreck because he installed a PlayStation in his car and he and his friend were playing it while he was driving.
"Wait For Me!"
She followed me everywhere. I mean everywhere. If I was in the living room and was walking outside to my car to grab something, she followed with a "wait for me!" and would get really really angry if I didn't wait for her to walk 20 ft. out the door with me.
I could never do anything by myself, and it was especially uncomfortable in groups when people would notice and question it. She ended up being really controlling (no sh!t) and abusive.
I asked my girlfriend what my biggest red flag was and without even pausing, she said "Mayonnaise."
I like it, she hates it, we don't understand each other, and we've been together over two years.
Like An Animal
Probably the biggest red flag was when his father, before we started living together, said to me: "Be careful, he is like an animal."
He didn't know how to clean after himself, played games for whole days. Normally, I don't mind games, but he neglected his responsibilities, college and hobbies. I tried to help him, but he wouldn't let me in, unless he was drunk. It was really a tiring time for me.
At Least She Warned Him
Two months into our relationship she told me every relationship she had been in had ended within 3 months as she had cheated on everyone she had ever dated, and she was worried as she really liked me and didn't want to do that to me. She then said if we ever broke up she'd have to move as she wouldn't be able to stay in the same city.
I didn't pay much attention as:
a) She was really hot
b) I thought our relationship would be different.
Exactly a year later she cheated on me, and subsequently moved to a new country.
That Goth Cleavage
Girl I dated briefly in my late teens informed me during our first conversation that she was a practicing Witch. Which is fine I don't mean to poop on anyone's spiritual beliefs. But It came up very frequently when we would talk and it escalated into some truly banana-pants crazy shit.
Which I was 100% fine ignoring because she was a smokin' hot Goth girl with amazing cleavage and I was a horny teenager.
Living With His "Collection"
Hoarder.... hoarder, did I say Hoarder? We've never been able to live together, I keep my place (and sanity) and he lives with his "collection "
We've been together for 25 years, so I guess we need to go shopping for a place big enough for "everything"... like maybe an abandoned football stadium......or airplane hangar....
He Looks So Hot When...
He believes in conspiracy theories like Bigfoot and strange stuff in the sky. Who am I to judge? He looks so hot when he watches his weird shows.
My ex would ask me "How would you react if you were attacked?" and demanded demonstrations of my defense tactics. He also 'collected' knives, after moving in together he started getting violent and I realized how dangerous the situation was. We were together for two years.
Never in the year we dated did she introduce me to any of her friends. Found out she had like a total double life going on.
We're still friends though and she admitted she's afraid to open up and have both lives collide.
Still might try to date her again lol.
Dated a girl a couple years ago who had the personality of a brick wall with the Pepe meme graffitied on it. All she could do was speak about the memes she saw on Instagram or about the makeup tutorial she had just watched. Ask her about her life? Responds with a meme, about school? Meme. Literally anything to her could be related to memes and it drove me nuts.
We did not last long .