Human bodies are a marvel of engineering - and also make no sense.
Brains are sentient goo that are capable of creativity, insight, intelligence, and incredible achievement. But also I hurt myself typing too hard a while back and my hand just hasn't been right since - and I know I'm not the only one.
The juxtaposition can make for some incredibly awkward moments. This brings us around to this thought...
Reddit user CrypticBrush asked:
"If you could redesign the human body what changes would you make ?"
Armor? Healing abilities? A protective mucus layer?
Less and More
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"Less back pain, more laser beam eyes."
- ThirdStrike333
"The Predator approves this."
- 7n13_
"You’re gonna have more pain everywhere else from the laser beam eyes of others."
- BigZmultiverse
"Every woman in the world would have serious burns, also more men than anyone would expect."
- BlackSuN42
Drainage
"Human sinuses suffer from a major flaw."
"As our species evolved flatter, taller faces the cavity in our skulls connecting our sinus to our throats moved above the rest of the sinus apparatus."
"This is bad for drainage."
"Humans 2.0 will have that hole lower thus reducing stuffy, runny noses and sinus pressure."
- CaptainChats
"So what you're saying is we're the pug of the great apes?"
- Schlipak
"Nah, we are like the weirdly high nosed giraffe or something."
- TheNaziSpacePope
Teeth
"A new set of teeth that grow when you're 30. A spare of each major organ that remains dormant unless the primary is damaged."
- Chrissy9001
"Also, please rid us of wisdom teeth. Cutting one now."
- boneymod
"A new set of teeth every 10-15 years."
"I got my adult teeth early and completely ruined them and now I have to live with the consequences."
- KnaveOfIT
"We’d need braces again though."
- [Reddit}
"The spare set of teeth is something my husband, kids, and I were discussing just this week."
"The opportunity to grow new teeth to make up for years of teenage or young adult depression, poor soda habits, health issues leading to weakened teeth, etc would be amazing."
- tkdbbelt
The Cursed Circle
"I would like licking chapped lips to work, please."
- tehKrakken55
"It's the politeness that got me. Good luck with your lips."
- Carthuluoid
"Ahh the cursed circle."
"Licking your lips feels better short term, but actually further dehydrates them (just like washing your skin dries it out) so make sure you use a moisturizing lip balm and then lock it in with an oil or some sort (whether you choose petroleum jelly or coconut oil, it's up to you) to prevent loss of hydration."
"Good luck 😬 "
- wellnotyou
Engineering
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"The ability to run basically a self-diagnostic, including of the brain, and more effective warnings if something goes wrong."
"Control over more of the body and brain, from 'I'm going to sleep right now' to toggling reproductive functions on and off to triggering the growth of new teeth and so on."
"If we're really pushing it, consciously deciding how our bodies and appearance develop."
"Better joints and spine somehow. I don't know how, I'm not an expert."
"Seeing in ultraviolet would also be pretty cool."
- brokeanail
"I feel like at that point I'll be questioning if I'm a robot."
- Fynex_Wright
"The line between a doctor and an engineer is thinner than what most would like to admit."
- Red_Ranger75
Opt-In Fertility
"For women, the ability to stop periods all together (without medicine or an implant) unless you actively want to have a baby."
- brokendowndryer
" 'Opt-in fertility' "
- misdirected_asshole
"I'd say both exes should get that option. You produce reproductive cells only at will."
"So only couples who are both willing can reproduce."
- OrangeQueen_H
Sleep Mode
"Being able to fall asleep at will would improve human quality of life more than I think anybody can possibly imagine."
"Going to bed when you want regardless of anxiety, taking naps whenever you want, falling asleep on airplanes/road trips, skipping meetings.... the possibilities are endless."
- CN4President
"My wife basically has this. She falls asleep in like, 3 minutes. It takes me an hour to fall asleep. I am super jealous."
- chauna
"I vote for the fall asleep button! Insomnia sucks!!"
- fluffy_boy_cheddar
Obviously A Rush Job
"Optimize brain chemistry."
"So many of life’s problems are self inflicted due to anxiety, depression, etc. Life could be so enjoyable if everything else were the same but we regulated our brain wiring optimally."
- DomingoLee
"And never let sadness turn into a depression that then TRICKS THE BRAIN INTO THINKING IT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH TO CALL IT DEPRESSION!"
- Rio_Walker
"The human brain was quite obviously a rush-job hacked together at the last minute. A stem-to-stern re-work is in order!"
- Lochrin00
"Things like this aren’t necessarily related directly to trauma like people would think."
"Intrusive thoughts or 'call of the void' can happen to anyone, and can even be induced from some medications."
- Curleysound
"I did archery with a guy with an acquired brain injury."
"He felt drunk all the time and it was not possible for him to get depressed; at the time I can’t say I wasn’t jealous."
- CrazySD93
One And Done
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"I would love another set of arms. Carry all them groceries in one trip."
- diskootdatskoot
"F*cking finally I found my people!"
"Been saying that all the time, so much spare space in our torso we could have another set of arms!"
- HellenicRoman
"And I would STILL have to kick the door and ask my family to open the screen door for me."
- TheNewGuyGames
"Oh yes! I say that all the time. Those would come in twice as handy."
- _Mehff_
Why The Same Hole?
"Why did we evolve to eat out of the same hole we breathe in?"
"I'd fix that."
- Actually_Avery
"Yes, this would be my primary design change also."
"Such a liability to have food transit right next to air supply, and sharing a short stretch of track. I would fire that engineer."
- MyBlueMeadow
"As someone who nearly died from choking, I support this change."
"Pro tip, do not talk to friends while sick with a stuffy nose listening to the friends funny story at 4 in the morning while chowing down on a hotdog in your kitchen..."
- TheNewGuyGames
You've heard the mods Reddit came up with. Now it's your turn to do some human designing.
Tell us about your changes and upgrades in the comments!
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/Want to "know" more?
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Never miss another big, odd, funny or heartbreaking moment again.
We've all complained or vented about something in our lives which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't exactly a problem, or is very easily solved.
Then there are those who complain about things that others almost hope will happen to them at some point in their lives.
These are known as "first world problems", as they are problems that pretty much only the world's one percent faces.
From having to fly business class instead of first class, or being served Roederer instead of Dom Pérignon, these complaints are often met with amusement, bewilderment, or even anger.
Redditor jennimackenzie was curious to hear the most absurd "first world problems" anyone ever complained about, leading them to ask:
"What’s the most ridiculous 'first world problem' you’ve seen people get worked up over?"
"Tale As Old As Time..."
"I once knew a mom who was legitimately devastated, to the point of tears/grief, because a doctor predicted her 8 year old daughter's final height to be around 5'2","
"Which wasn't tall enough to get cast as Belle at Disney World."
"That was the child's (and her mother's) only dream in life, apparently."
"Didn't appreciate my suggestion that she could be Minnie or Mickey."
"Lol!"
"Only a face character would do!"- TravelLovingMom
"Must Be Funny, In A Rich Man's World..."
"My boss from about a decade ago was this insanely rich dude who always went to the bank to get fresh and crisp currency."
"He'd call the bank in advance to make sure they had some on hand."
"I think he was a germaphobe."
"He had a trash can that he'd throw $1 and $5 bills in that he thought was 'dirty' and regularly just donated it vs spending it."
"I asked him why he did this and he said it was too much trouble and asked if I wanted it."
"I said f*ck yeah dumped it into my bag and when I got home it was close to $400 in singles and fives.
"Another time, he wanted to upgrade all the computers in his studio, so we went to a store and bought 10 PCs."
"They all had $150 mail in rebates and he wasn't bothered to go through the trouble of mailing them in."
"3 weeks later I received $1500 after spending a whole afternoon filling out all those goddamn forms."- azninvasion2000
Money Burn GIF by nog
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Who Wore It Better?
"When I was about 19 years old, I was at my boyfriends family BBQ."
"I was wearing this pretty floral sundress."
"His cousins girlfriend showed up in the same dress and she was SO mad that she went and changed."
"I will never understand being upset when someone is wearing the same thing as you.'
"Did you really think that your shirt you bought off the rack is going to be unique to you?"
"No."- mertsey627
Seeing Red! Or Blue In This Case...
"The blue of the balloons wasn't quite the same as the bridesmaid's sashes."
"Years ago my wife and I attended a wedding."
"It was very low key."
"The dinner was in the dining hall at the university where the couple met, cinder block walls and all."
"It was a Baptist wedding - no booze and very serious."
"The dark blue balloons attempting to liven up the hall were a slightly darker shade of blue than the sashes on the bridesmaid's dresses."
"The bride lost here sh*t and absolutely raved for nearly an hour."
"I can't remember how they finally managed to talk her down."- mechant_papa
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See You In Court!
"Rich neighbors who end up in expensive court battles because they disagree about where a tree can be planted or whether the color of a fence fits in with the street’s 'amenity'."
'These disputes get really heated and rack up huge lawyers’ bills."
"The most pathetic part is after the judgement when they are arguing about who should pay the other party’s costs."
"Lots of affidavits filed citing the 'emotional distress' they had to endure, or painting themselves as brave warriors who were forced to take a stand to fight for 'justice'."
"Also lots of pompous litigants insisting that the judge refer to them by their 'Dr' title."
"An absolutely insane dumpster fire of entitled rich people problems."- ElectrocRaisin
It's Always People With Money Who Don't Want To Pay!
"I work in a public library."
"People will get so so mad if they have to be put on a wait list for a book."
"A popular book that just came out."
"Ok our services are not only free but so are the books."
"You’re welcome, a**holes."- Switchbladekitten
A Warm Butt Is A Happy Butt!
"My own."
"We have a bidet toilet seat (Fabulous! Everyone should have one!) and not only does it wash your bum and blow dry it, but the seat's heated!"
"It's shocking how much a heated toilet seat makes the whole process more agreeable."
"Except: We had a power outage and I went to use the toilet and the seat was cold!"
"Unacceptable!"
"This shall not stand!"
"I was really upset because it didn't feel good."
"Then I stopped and thought: This is the most first-world problem anyone's ever had."
"I was really pissed because my heiny was tepid."
"I got over it."- DeathGrover
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Holy Matrimony!
"Weddings are a gold mine for this question."
"People get so hyped up over their 'most important day of their life'."
"They'll destroy friendships, go into debt, and have crazy expectations."
"It's not always the couple who go crazy, either."
"Sometimes, it's the parents or another family member who feels entitled to control the wedding."
"It's just a party."
"Be considerate of guests, have plenty of food and drinks, and enjoy it."- magicrowantree
When Fast Food Isn't Fast Enough...
"Having to pull off to the side to wait for a drive-thru order to be brought out to you because your food isn't ready and there's a line building up behind you."- demanbmore
In Case You Don't Think Customer Service Employees Are Undervalued...
"I was working the return desk at a Target next to a military base so I have so many stories."
"One of my favorites was a lady who had her baby shower before revealing the gender and was livid that she had received floral newborn diapers when she’s having a boy."
"It was a huge box of super expensive, all organic diapers, that we didn’t carry and therefore could not return."
"I cannot accurately express her fury and disgust."
"How dare either suggest her boy could wear feminine diapers."
"I suggested she donate them if she didn’t want to use them and she instead threw away the entire box."
"When she left we pulled it out and threw it in our donate bin."
"There have also been multiple times where mom’s order massive toys and when we bring them out to the car they get furious that they aren’t wrapped."
"We don’t offer wrapping services."
"Here’s the thing, if you don’t want your kids to see the toys you got them for Christmas or their bit to day DON'T BRING THE CHILD WHEN YOU PICK IT UP."
'I’ve had multiple women scream and curse me out that I had ruined their kids Christmas by bringing the toys they ordered out to the car like they requested."- clever-mermaid-mae
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Happiest Place On Earth!
"I used to work for Disney."
"That in itself should tell you everything."
"However for fun I'll give you two specific stories one form our tech department and one from my wife who worked bookings."
"I specifically worked for their call center to help with technical issues with magic band and the website."
"Suddenly got worse huh?"
"A right of passage call everyone has at least one story of is the 'Dome call'."
"Basically there is a subset of Disney Guest (TM) that believes if it rains at Walt Disney world there is someone that will push a button to encapsulate the whole of Disney property in a dome to keep out the rain."
"I'm not kidding."
"If this button is not pushed they call our tech department to angrily ask why."
"My wife worked booking."
"Pretty much everything including Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique and Pirate's league."
"These two things did roughly the same thing difference being price and theme."
"BBB was expensive did more and was focused on princesses, pirates league did a bit less and focused on mermaids and pirates."
"Lady called up my wife, and got pissed about BBB being booked up (It goes FAAAAST)."
"Karen: 'Im going to give the phone to my daughter and I want you to tell her how you are ruining her vacation by not letting her do BBB'."
"Wife proceeds to explain how pirate's league is so much cooler and how she can be a mermaid or pirate and basically gets the kid to start demanding to their parents about how they want to be a mermaid instead of a princess."- trollsong
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The horror!
Being booked into a junior suite at Disney World instead of an executive suite!
It's almost as bad as having no money for groceries, or no food to feed you children...
Said absolutely no one.
For many childhood memories are overrun by living nightmares.
Yes, children are resilient, but that doesn't mean that the things we see as babes don't follow us forever.
The horrors of the world are no stranger to the young.
Redditor -2sweetcaramel- wanted to see who was willing to share about the worst things we've seen as kids, so they asked:
"What’s the creepiest thing you saw as a kid?"
Serious Danger
"Me and my best friend would explore the drainage tunnels under the Vegas area where we grew up. These were miles long and it was always really cool down there so it was a good way to escape the heat of our scorching hot summers. We went into this one that goes under the Fiesta casino and found a camp with a bunch of homeless people."
"Mind you we are like 11 years old lol. And we just kept going like it was nothing. It wasn’t scary then but when I look back at it we could have been in some serious danger. Our parents had no idea we did this or where we were and we had no cellphones. We could have been kidnapped and never have been found."
oofboof2020
Waiting for Food
"I was at a portillos once when I was 12 and I was waiting with my little brother at a booth while my parents got our food. This guy was standing with his tray kind of watching me then after a couple of minutes he started to walk over really fast not breaking eye contact with me."
"He was 2 feet from the table and my dad came out of nowhere and scared the s**t out of him. He looked so surprised and just said he wanted to see if I’d get scared or not. He left his tray full of food near the door and left. My folks reported him but we never went to that location again since we found a better one closer to home."
nowhereboy1964
Captain Hobo to the Rescue
"When I was a pretty young teen, my friends and I were horsing around in San Francisco and started hanging out to smoke with some homeless guys. Another homeless dude came up and began aggressively trying to shake us down for anything (money, smokes, a ride, drugs- all of it) and wouldn’t take no for an answer."
"We got in over our heads and could tell this guy was now riling the other 2 guys up and they were acting like they wanted to jump us. Some grandfather-looking old homeless man appeared out of nowhere and yelled at us to get the f**k out of here- nice kids like us don’t belong down here at this hour!!"
"Captain Hobo saved our lives that night. My parents sincerely thought we were at a mall all day lol."
FartAttack911
Survival
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"I was 7 and survived the 2004 tsunami in Thailand. Witnessed the wave rise way above the already massive palm trees (approx. 40ft?) and my family and I watched/heard the wave crash into the ground from a rooftop."
faithfulpoo
These Tsunami stories are just tragic.
On the Sand
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"We were a group of kids who went to swim in a local lake. And there was a dead body on the beach with their hands raised and their legs bent unnaturally that local police just took out of the same lake. I've never put my foot in these waters again."
oyloff
Be Clever
"I was walking to school and I was about 5 or 6 years old and some guy pulled up beside me in his car and asked if I would get in. He also offered me sweets to do so. I said no. The creepy bit was when he calmly said ‘clever boy’ to me, then drove off. I’ve never even told my parents or anyone else about this as it would most likely freak them out."
OstneyPiz
Bad Jokes
"Dad's side of the family pranked me by burying a fake body on our back property and had me dig it up to find valuables. Was only allowed to use a lantern for light. They stuffed old clothes with chicken bones. Sheetrock mud where the head was... Random fake jewelry as the treasures... I was like maybe 10 or 11.. I remember digging up the boot first and started gagging because it became real at that point."
Alegan239
YOU
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"Woke up to find my little brother staring at me in the dark, asking, Are you really you?"
PrettyLola2004
Siblings can really be a bunch of creepers.
No one should talk to others in the dark though.
