It is a universally acknowledged truth that kids are master minds of cruelty. They have a sixth sense which allows them to pinpoint the source of insecurity in another human, craft a statement that is as cruel as it is creative, and launch the insult with cold and distant absence of guilt whatsoever.
Unfortunately, Redditors remind us that other adults, even friends, can provide self-esteem battering statements just as bad. Years later, statements like these fork into two distinct paths: the humorous shade offered by hindsight or the profound snowball growing intensity.
Reddit was stocked with both.
TheCrowsNestTV asked, "What is the cruelest thing someone has said to you?"
A Deadpan Slam
"When I was a kid, my best friend was always kind of mean or standoffish with me at school but we hung out a lot just the two of us."
"At some point I confronted him and said, 'you keep doing this, are you embarrassed to be my friend?' He just said 'Yes.'"
-- Stalkachu
Meme Wtf GIF
Giphy
Objectifying in the Other Direction
"It was a thing in my school where guys would go up to an 'unattractive' girl in a group, in front of everyone, and ask them on a date."
"Just when the girl would start to believe it was real and give a response, the guys would all start laughing and the one who asked would tell her it was just a joke and that, 'no one would ever wanna go out with something like you.'"
"And yes, they would say 'something,' not 'someone.' It hurts yeah."
-- fvck7h15
When the Kids are the Mature Ones
"My son had a liver transplant and has huge scars on his belly. He was playing at our local park where they shoot up water. Great summer fun for young kids. Another parent says, 'they should cover that kid up so we don't have to see it.'"
"Thankfully, another parent spoke up snd said, 'just because that kid's gone through a lot doesn't mean he has to hidden to make you feel comfortable.' I started to breathe evenly and smile."
"Funny thing is, when kids asked him about his scars, my son would just say, 'I had surgery.' Then they would continue playing. Adults were more cruel."
Sociopathic Roasting
"The worst was probably in fifth grade, just after my dad died. The whole school knew, and everyone was being really nice to me except one girl. I believe the exact quote was, 'go suck your dads d*ck. Oh wait you can't, he's dead.'"
"It didn't even hurt my feelings, more of just bewildered me like who says something like that?"
A Most Certain Red Flag
"Ex-wife once told me that she wished my mom had died of the breast cancer that she beat when I was in 2nd grade. She's been in remission for 20+ years now and has always been a sweet, thoughtful and smart lady. I had to leave the house to calm down - and luckily i left the relationship eventually."
-- SandoMann
Priorities...
"'You are caring, smart, treat me well, have your sh!t together, and are great husband/father material, and are a wonderful man to be around. I wish you'd lose 20 lbs. so I could date you.'"
-- hired_g00n
"Dad, it's Boston Pizza. Also, that's Horrible."
"When I was 16 and looking to apply at Boston Pizza which had just opened up in our town, my dad said, 'don't you have to be pretty to be a waitress?'" -- laurieali
"Please don't say parents, for the real word is creeps." -- King_Pecca
A Backhanded Guestimation
"'Guys our age'...Dude was at least 20 years older then me. Yeah, honestly me and my partner had a laugh about it later. But at the time i died a little on the inside." -- anotherDutchdude
"He didn't think of you as older, he thinks of himself as younger." -- Hektikdt
Taking the Long Way to Attraction
"'Your freckles look like you stood behind a screen door and had sh*t flung on you.' This was a neighbor who was looking to hook up. It never happened and I quit talking to him." -- sukiintheshower
"Is this some kind of advanced ninja flirting technique I'm not aware of?" -- UHMWPE
An Out and Out PUNK
"7-year-old cousin: 'Hey derp, how old are you now?'"
"Me: 'I just turned 26.'"
"7-year old: 'You're not a man!'"
"WTF kid...."
-- derpado514
"I'm 21 and my niece is 8, but she considers us to be basically the same age. Makes me feel good when I get sad that my childhood is over." -- brearose
confused confusion GIF
Giphy
Not Something You Can Just "Try Out'
"My mom said that her life would have been better if I never existed." -- earthling_probably
"To hopefully make you feel better, some people just should never have been parents. It's much more likely she's saying she just never should have had kids because she's not able to handle it." -- Not_A_RedditAccount
Whiplash
"My biological father came back into my life when I was 14 and had a girlfriend. Everything was great for a year until she made him choose between his new family, and me."
"I got a text message on Christmas Day saying 'Father and daughter relationship not working out, all the best for your future. Please dont call me, it will cause me problems.'"
Suddenly, a Snob
"There were years I worked multiple jobs to help support us while my ex was working on her doctorate. Once she had herself a tenure track university position, she let me know I wasn't 'educated enough to be married to a professor' like herself."
"I have my bachelor's degree."
"Well, I found myself sleeping on the sofa for about a week, while looking for an apartment so I could move out. During that time, every morning as she'd greet me with the phrase 'Why haven't you killed yourself yet?'"
At Least an Insult is Attention at All
"Nothing. When my best friend of 20+ years ghosted me, that was the cruelest thing." -- MelissaMiranti
"Wow, that's terrible. I really hate when people don't even have the guts to say why or have an adult conversation instead of ghosting." -- Neilia_Moon
Abusive Control 101
"'No one will love you like I love you because you're uninteresting, boring, & annoying.'"
"Getting past it a day at a time, but I do occasionally find myself apologizing my husband for being 'boring/annoying.'"
-- c0untc*ntula
Severely Out of Touch
"I struggled with anxiety caused bulimia a few years back... One of my best friends (who has some self consciousness issues so she likes unhealthily skinny bodies.) told me after I recovered and gained my healthy weight back that I 'looked better when [I was] bulimic.'"
"....That made me feel so small and empty."
-- izzygirl123
The First 25 Minutes of "Grease"
"9th grade year I met a girl who moved on to my block the week summer break started, we spent almost every day together. We lost our virginity to each other."
"First day of school and she won't talk to me because I'm not on of the 'cool kids.'"
"Destroyed me."
Experimental Snog
"The boy I had a crush on in high school had kissed me and I was pretty excited about possibly dating. When I asked him about it the next day he said he didn't like me in that way."
"I asked why he kissed me then, and he said, 'I needed to make sure I didn't like you.'"
-- Petunia_Fish
A Wild Escalation
"My stepson told me he was glad that my husband and I have fertility problems."
"He was 15 at the time, and pissed that he was in trouble after several of his teachers had contacted us to tell us he wasn't doing his homework or completing schoolwork and assignments."
-- KittikatB
Ewww
"Asked a girl out and just got "ewwww" as a response. So that was cool. A no would've been fine."
"This happened to me too. That's rough bud." :(
-- Trekkimon
michelle obama eww GIF
Giphy
Dearest Mother
My mother told me once that no one nice or decent would ever want me/be able to love me. Crazy how much stuff like this sticks on your relationships
Edit: you guys are amazing people to be willing to share your stories--I'm so sorry all of you have had to experience this nastiness. I hope you're all currently doing well and I appreciate all of you. <3
The Crash
I crashed my motorcycle quite a few years ago now. I was being stupid and didn't have my gear on. So I have some very extensive scars on my arms and legs.
I'm super insecure about them. I've worn long sleeves since they've healed.
Last summer I was feeling good about myself and not caring. So I went to the beach in a bikini.
I was sitting there reading a book when a group of girls behind me starts talking about me.
There were several comments about my appearance but the one that really stuck was, "God, she should just kill herself so we don't have to look at her."
Yeah so much for self confidence that day.
Brutal
I was in a car accident, no harm to me at all. Told the story to a couple people. One literally said, and I quote "I wish you would have died in the accident." it was some idiot from middle school, he hated everyone with a burning passion. He said other things too, such as "your parents are what made the plane fliers on 9/11 do it."
-- Thatisjake
No Yours
I was about 16 and sat on the train next two two preteen girls. The song on my MP3 player switched and therefore i could hear them. One girl pointed at me and said "That is your new boyfriend." the other girl replied "Eeeeww, no yours!"
-- overbread
Can confirm. Girls go through a stage where they can never admit to other girls that they like boys (at least they did 30ish years ago when I was that age. Its weird.
The Uncounted
Had a huge crush on a friend in high school and asked her to a dance, she said no which was fine. Nothing was weird.
Then about a week later she started telling me how upset she was that no one had asked her to the dance and when I brought up I had her response was:
You don't count.
Apparently she thought I had just asked her to be nice or something. When I told her that wasn't the case she still said no but apologized for saying it. Still really hurt though.
-- lonewolf210
He's Out
Not to me directly, but my mum once said "I don't like him anymore" to my sister when I was in clear earshot, so it was meant for me.
It's the context that got me, considering it was all over me not being comfortable enough to go back into school to get a Christmas pudding, and getting so mad at me over something so small overwhelmed me and made me feel like a failure, I guess. Was also through the worst time in my life, which she knew about.
"If I"
"If I were you I'd just freaking kill myself."
Good thing I wasn't suicidal in high school. Same guy ended up running away from home and dying his hair trying to hide from the cops that year, so yeah that dude had issues. We were sorta friends later, I don't know if he even remembers making the comment.
-- verminiusrex
Die Laughing
I was around 15 year old. I was hanging around with my friends and there was this guy who had recently started joining us every once in awhile. He was someone classmate but I don't think he was close to anyone and I thought it was weird that he was hanging out with us as it was hard to see him fit in, there was so little in common.
We rarely ever spoke to each other directly.
But then he once said pretty much out of the blue "If Horredu ever gets a girlfriend I will die by laughter".
Group of friends laughing, they can't help it and someone almost rolling on the floor. Someone agreed between the burst of laughs.
Affected my self-esteem a lot, probably more than I've understood earlier.
Being 26 year old now and still never been in a relationship, I sometimes think they were right.
-- horredu
Pray for your Soul
This will get buried but mine was hands down when a co-worker/decently close acquaintance told me to my face that maybe if I had prayed harder and put more faith in the lord my son wouldn't have died. Witch had worked with me since before I got pregnant, through the genetic dx while still pregnant, his birth, multiple surgeries etc. and knew damn well what the hell happened and still had the gall to say that crap. Mind you this was also like 6 years later and I'd already had two more children, countless hours of therapy, and with one statement she stabbed me in the heart all over.
scared season 1 GIF by The White Princess
Giphy
In a horrid twist of fate - the eldest of her two children was killed in a motorcycle accident about 18 months ago. My heart broke for her and I did reach out to offer my condolences, no parent should ever experience that kind of loss.
But I would a lying hag if I didn't admit that a hateful little voice inside me whispered to my soul 'maybe she shoulda prayed harder.'
-- LFF9002
But She Did
This wasn't really said to me, but it was said to my mom about me. I had admitted to my grandma that there was a girl that we both knew that I had a crush on (I'm a girl). I said it quick so I didn't think she'd catch it. But she did. A while later, she looked my mom dead in the eye and said something like, "It's such a shame. Your daughter WAS so pretty. Such a WASTE." So I'm a shame AND a waste... And if you think she ended there oh hoho!!! You're wrong!!!
She later called my sister EXTREMELY FAT in front of me (I went up against her for that one). And right after we shunned her from our family, I found out there was a chance that she was "watching" my big bro because he, "Reminds her of her dead husband." She did way WAY worse than that to my mom. Even calling my mom a parasite in the middle of a restaurant. I'm glad she left. We almost got kicked out of our home because of her screwed up lies.
Cutting Deep
"Your friend deserved to get stabbed." (Friend got a knife pulled on him in a fight at a party, stabbed him 7 times, critically wounded him and partially paralyzed him for life).
-- akaponokh
Births and Deaths
It wasn't too me, but about me. Everytime I'm around my mom and she has friends or family over she'd always being up how painful giving birth to me was. She said that she was considering giving me up for adoption because I was the most painful out of her 5 other births. (I'm the second oldest) I know she's probably trying to make a joke or something but it gets old when you 13 times a day. And. Sometimes I wish she had given me up for adoption.
Awkward
"You're awkward" - coworker to me in my nervous first few weeks at a new job.
It was small but confirmed my fears that I might not fit in, the anxiety to follow was crushing.
Ended up making plenty of friends at my new job, he isn't one of them.
-- kellogg888
My Sacrifices
My mom told me she was worried I would abuse her and my dad when they got old because I was abusive as a teenager. I agonized over that for a couple years before I finally convinced my parents to go to a therapy sessions with me, where I found out the teenage "abuse" she was referring to was, according to her, me pushing past her roughly once as a teenager and getting too many parking tickets.
I lived to please my parents for most of life, so hearing her accuse me of abuse when I'd sacrificed my own integrity for a long time to make them happy... that really hurt me.
You're not for us
Was approached by a modeling agency once in a shopping centre with my best friends. I was very shocked as I'm quite self conscious at 5ft 11" and very curvy, so it was extremely flattering. Didn't have enough confidence to do anything about it so just left it as a nice memory. My best friend was bragging on my behalf to a group of kids in school the next week and one girl just looked me up and down and said "Oh I didn't know the menswear department of 'Middle aged clothes shop' were looking for models?'... I was 15f and it killed my confidence for years...
Expired Lunch
In middle school a girl found out I had a crush on her and decided that best way to go about dealing with that was telling everyone at lunch how ugly she thought I was because I had acne at the time. Which really sucked. Because I was already super self conscious about it and kind of just a shy person in general.
Was made even worse because it was a small private school. So everyone knew everyone's business and there was no getting away from it. I stopped eating lunch in the lunchroom for all of that year.
It sucked and the whole thing honestly made me feel like crap for years.
As we got older and were in high school, I think she tried to get back on my good side. But she never actually apologized and honestly, that ship had already sailed for me. Too little and way too late.
On the last day of senior year I let all the air out of three of her tires.
-- Slowjams
Mothering
"It's a good thing you can't have kids, you would make a terrible mother."
Also:
"You won't be a real woman until you have children."
-- SalemScout
family
While I was grieving my sister's passing, my mother told me "You need to suck it up because I have it worse than you. I had to bury my own daughter so you need to be helping me instead of focusing on yourself."
I didn't finally get the chance to grieve until I started dating my husband.
-- cjcmommy0123
???????????
It wasn't cruel in the way that it hurt me, but really bothered me. My mom had died a few years prior and was considering getting a tattoo in memory of her. She had always wanted a trinity knot on her shoulder blade and we had even discussed getting matching ones. I told a friend this and said "I can still get it, even though she can't get a matching one because she is dead". My friend responded "you could be close by putting her ashes in a vibrator!"
Like, what the freaking hell.
Seriously GIF by Debby Ryan
Giphy
My Journey
"I'm so disappointed in you. It's like I don't even know you anymore."
-my mom, after she discovered I had online friends... who I had known for 4 years. God forbid I take a road trip to see them, I guess...
-- _Fengo
Just Be Happy
"Suck it up, other people have it worse."
One of the few times I reached out to talk about my depression with a friend and she said this to me. Took the wind out of my sails, and that was 7-8ish years ago. I haven't spoken to a single soul about my depression since and never will. I don't really talk about how I feel or what I go through. I wear the mask that everything is good.
-- Guerrin_TR
Try to Grow
When I was 12 my family and I went to a farmer's market. This couple was handing out samples and the husband said "Let the boys try some."
I said "I'm a girl."
The wife then yelled at me saying "Well grow some freaking boobs, then you'll look like a girl!!!!!"
Ouch.
-- cocoabean30
Why so Rude?
My ex-bf saw the stretch marks I have on my inner thighs and said it looked like I had been scratched by a bear, even though he perfectly knew how much I was insecure about my physical appearance. Also a girl I knew a year ago used to bully me because she thought it was funny when I got angry, then one day I started to snap back at her rude comments and she told me that I was a horrible person and that I had serious mental issues.
The Disgrace
You're a mistake and an embarrassment. You are a disgrace to this family. -My older brother in a restaurant with my parents watching. They said nothing to this but when I tried to tell him to just shut up I got yelled at. Yeah not only do I make better grades than him I also don't ever get in trouble anywhere except for at home unlike him who is the exact opposite.
You're Nodody
My paternal grandmother: "He looks nothing like his father. He looks like nobody in the family. We call him the (last name) that doesn't look like a (last name)."
Meanwhile I'm a spitting image of my father. At my dad's funeral a coworker drove seven hours to speak at his funeral. I'd never met him before and his first words to me were "you are a clone of your father." Grandma hated my mom so much that she took it out on me.
-- GialloGuy
Thanks for Nothing Ma
"You've always had some excuse for why you did poorly in school" - my dear old mother.
I'm 21 years old & only now getting diagnosed with ADHD because she never believed me. Thanks mom, almost getting kicked out of university was really great.
-- QueenCostco
In his handwriting.
I'm sure there's lots of things worse but this sticks so hard, mainly because I see this person daily at work and have to be polite.
My fiancé passed away this past July. I got a tattoo on my inner forearm of the message he wrote in the last Valentine's card I received from him. In his handwriting. It brings me much comfort. This guy at work, while I was still barely holding it together maybe 4 weeks after the funeral, saw it.
He grabbed my arm, pushed my sleeve up, read it, and announced in front of everyone in the room(50-60 people) "How stupid are you? He's dead. You can't hang onto him. You'll never get anyone to sleep you now. Nobody will want you with the reminder that you loved someone else!"
I immediately melted down, nuclear. A couple of kind souls took me into my office, I'm not sure what was said to him, but he swears to this day he has no idea why I won't speak to him unless I'm forced. Of course he's not brave enough to ask me either.
-- cpbaby1968
That's not True
I did poorly in grade school on language and math, but our grade school actually has a history and geography class and I was always good at them. There was one time that I was the only one that scored the bonus question because I paid attention during class (wasn't in the book).
The teacher gave my test back and we were asked to stay quiet while she hands them out, and I did. When I talked to her afterwards at question-time, I showed my test with the right answer to her and she said, "you wrote it after I handed you the test". And no I didn't, I really really didn't. And I still remember her like, 20 years later still.
-- IsaSilver
End Scene
"I hope that someday you'll hate someone as much as I hate you."
buster keaton end rant GIF
Giphy
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
The old wives' tales.
They are the stories of legend.
I think we all need a big DEEP Google dive though.
Where did they originate?
WHO ARE THE OLD WIVES!
You don't hear about them as much anymore.
It's like science and logic are suddenly a thing.
But they sure are a good way to keep your kids and their behavior in line.
Redditor the_spring_goddess wanted to discuss the tall tales we've all been fed through life, so they asked:
"What is an old wives tale that people still believe?"
"Wait an hour to swim after eating."
What a crock!
So many summer hours wasted.
I want revenge for that one.
Say Nothing
Giphy
"An undercover cop has to tell you he's a cop if you ask him."
LonelyMail5115
"Pretty much most advice when it comes to cops are old wives tales. I’m not even a cop but most of the advice you hear is pretty off."
I_AM_AN_A**HOLE_AMA
Say Something
"That you have to wait 24 hours to report someone missing."
Severe_Airport1426
"I really think this one is important and should be the top regardless. As it’s a piece of advice that needs to be relearned and the only way to do that is through awareness."
crappycurtains
"This used to be true. I think they changed it after some guy named Brandon went missing back in the '80s or '70s. You used to have to wait 24 hours if the missing person was an adult because they had 'a right to be missing' and then everyone realized that was stupid and stopped doing it."
AlbinoShavedGorilla
Body Temps
"That drinking ice cold water after eating oily foods will solidify the oil and permanently remain in your body. I informed my coworker that if your body temperature ever reached that point, you’d have bigger problems than weight gain."
chriseo22
"Oh, I have a cousin who 100% believed this. One of those guys who believed every early 2000s internet rumor and old wives tale. One night I chugged a big glass of ice water after dinner and he started freaking out and saying my guts were gonna harden."
"I sarcastically told him to drive me to the hospital if that happened. Obviously, nothing happened and the next morning I said something like 'Thanks for being on standby in case my guts filled with hardened oil.' He just walked off muttering under his breath."
apocalypticradish
Arms Down
"When I was pregnant, I was told by young and old alike that I should NOT raise my arms above my head or exert myself in such a manner because it could cause cord strangulation to my unborn sons and daughters."
Fatmouse84
10 Years Actually
Unimpressed Uh Huh GIF by Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Giphy
"Chewing gum stays in your stomach for 7 years."
"I remember accidentally swallowing a piece of gum when I was a kid in like 1995 and just accepting my fate like welp, gonna have this in my stomach til high school I guess."
Gecko-911
I was so afraid to sallow my gum when I was young.
This tale is haunting.
High/Low
Hungry Debra Messing GIF by Will & Grace
Giphy
"You can tell the sex of the baby by how you carry."
LeastFormal9366
"Pregnancy certainly wins awards for the most old wives tales. So much absolute BS was repeated to us by everyone we talked to."
IllIIIlIllIlIIlIllI
The Cursed
"If you’re a woman and you wear opal jewelry but opal is not your birthstone (October), you’ll never be able to have children, or will be widowed, or just generally have bad luck or something. You can counteract this by having a diamond in the same piece of jewelry as the opal, though."
"I have a nice opal ring that my parents gave me years ago, and I’ve had other women give me this 'advice' unprompted more than once when I’ve worn it. I have absolutely no idea where it started, but I’m pretty sure this little chunk of silicate rock has no concept of what month I was born in, let alone of how my reproductive organs work."
SmoreOfBabylon
Stay In
"Going outside with wet hair will make you get pneumonia. Or an earache. Or maybe arthritis. Depends on which old wife you listen to."
"Jokes on them - I haven't blow-dried my hair in decades and usually leave the house with wet hair in the morning. On winter mornings, the tips of my hair get frozen. No ear infections or pneumonia or arthritis yet."
worldbound0514
Dreams and Facts
"You never make anyone up in your dreams you've seen everyone in your dreams somewhere else before and never make anyone up entirely."
"How would you possibly prove that to be true? My partner adamantly believes this and tells me this 'fact' whenever I have a dream about someone I've never met before."
mattshonestreddit
"My late wife used to tell me that before she met me she would have dreams of standing at an alter on her wedding day but could never see the guy's face, no matter how hard she tried. After meeting me the face was filled in with mine. Don't know if it's true but one of those things I like thinking of every now and then when I miss her."
Darthdemented
Cracked
Getting Ready Episode 2 GIF by The Office
Giphy
"Some people still believe cracking knuckles causes arthritis."
Choice-Grapefruit-44
"There's a doctor (Donald Unger) that cracked his knuckles a couple of times a day for 60 years, but only on one hand, just to prove it. Both hands remained exactly the same."
MacyTmcterry
I love my knuckles.
Do you have any tall tales to add to the list? Let us know in the comments below.
Every now and then, a friend of ours might say something, or we might overhear a complete stranger say something that makes us stop in our tracks.
More often than not, what we can't believe we just heard is something so ridiculous, we can't help but put the person who said it in their place.
Other times, however, what we just heard might have stunned us silent because of how shockingly clever it was.
Resulting in our not wanting to scold or yell at someone, but rather give them a handshake.
Redditor SubmergingOriginal was curious to hear the sharpest and wittiest things they've ever heard, from friends and strangers alike, leading them to ask:
"Enough with the dumbest; what is the wittiest thing you've ever heard someone say?"
Don't Give Me So Much Credit...
'I was on a team at work that was on a project working insane overtime."
"One night after an 80-90 hour week, we were all sitting around the table trying to finish up so we could go home."
"Around 11, my buddy's wife called, dubious about the hours he'd been keeping."
"We heard her through the line - 'are you cheating on me?'"
"Exasperated, he looked at our boss, then replied 'honey, if I was cheating on you, I would have been home by now'."- lionbatcher
Eternal Optimism...
"Asked a blind guy if he'd been blind his whole life."
"He said 'Not yet'."- Feeling_Mode_6465
Free time Isn't The Only Thing He Has On His Hands...
"My brother got a vasectomy and when the doctor was releasing him and giving him instructions (with the nurse listening in), one of the orders was to 'come back and have a follow-up appointment after you’ve ejaculated 30 times'.”
"Without missing a beat my brother asked 'what time do you open tomorrow?'”
"The nurse couldn’t keep it together after hearing that."- UtahUtopia
Awkward Season 8 GIF by The Office
Giphy
Double Whammy!
"My pal uses the phrase 'he doesn’t look strong enough to carry information' and it cracks me up every time."
"Calling someone stupid and weak in one fell swoop."- JennyW93
Can't Hide Your DNA...
'Whenever I jokingly insult my mum, she says 'that must be where you get it from'."
"She cracked the code."
"I can never offend her without offending myself."- JennyW93
Self-Sufficient!
"My brother was a line cook at a New Orleans restaurant."
"My mom was in town, staying at a fancy hotel, and he stopped by after work, still wearing his kitchen whites."
"He was reading a newspaper in the lobby waiting for her to come down when the shocked lobby manager sputtered at him, 'MAY I HELP YOU!?!?'
"He answered, 'thanks, but I know how to read',” and went back to his paper."- jobrody
Morph Current Affairs GIF by Aardman Animations
Giphy
A Miracle!
"My brother-in-law’s comment."
"The entire family went out for my mother’s 80th birthday and after the meal we all went to a local park, largely occupied by the elderly, to rest."
"My mother needed crutches at this point, and they were resting against her bench."
"My 10-year-old niece, who looked like every starving waif image from Dickens, grabbed the crutches and started hobbling round the park."
"All the OAPs were following her progress with looks of pity until my brother ran up behind her, and kicked away the crutches."
"There was an audible gasp from round the park and then my niece picked the crutches back up and started chasing my brother, clearly intending to hit him."
"In the confused silence my brother-in-law’s voice rang out 'Praise be! She can walk again!'"
"We still think this was the highlight of the birthday celebrations."- DdraigGwyn
Still Legal, Whichever Way You Cut It...
"I picked up my pleasantly tipsy boyfriend from a nightclub."
"We were stopped by the Police for a random breath test."
"They asked me my age, and I said, 33."
"My bf blurted out '33? You told me you were 22'."
"Police just laughed and let me go."- Aggravating-Corgi379
Music Video Police GIF by Andrew W. K.
Giphy
A Bit Too On The Nose?
"Business law class in college years ago, talking about the issues that black Americans had before the Civil Rights."
"Amendment, trying to travel through the south with the discrimination so rampant, trying to find restaurants to serve them and decent lodgings."
"My instructor was posing a hypothetical: 'So you pull up out front of this place, you're exhausted from driving for hours, and you see the sign out front says 'Ku Klux Klan Motel'."
"'What would you expect to find there?'"
"Without missing a beat, from the back of the room came this gem: "'Extra sheets in every room?'"- NedsAtomicDB
Not Yet, Anyway...
"I was working with my friend and his dad."
"My friend (26) heard an ice cream truck near where we were working."
"He asked his dad if he could have a couple dollars."
"His dad asked, 'what for?'"
"My friend told his dad that there was an ice cream truck in the neighborhood, and that they were playing music."
"My friends dad told him "'They don't charge anything to listen to the music'."- tatersalad1234567890
Words Escape You In The Literal "Heat" Of The Moment...
"A friend of mine is a teacher and her husband is known for his wit."
"She told this story to him:"
"One day at school a kid took the hall pass and returned reeking like smoke."
"She asked the kid if he’d been smoking and he denied it over and over."
"She was about to send him to the office when she noticed smoke coming from somewhere."
"She told the kid and he realized that he didn’t put his cig out completely and it was burning in his pants pocket."
"The kid noticed and frantically tried to put it out and someone finally poured water on it."
"Her husband sat listening to this with a weird look on his face."
"She asked him what was wrong."
“'What’s wrong???'"
"'This was probably the only chance you’ll have in your life to say literally, ‘liar,liar, pants on fire’ and you missed your chance'."- Luder714
On Fire No GIF by PEEKASSO
Giphy
Amazing What You Might Say A Few Drinks In...
"When I went to a renaissance faire once, I went to a beer tent and ordered a Newcastle Brown Ale (seemed the most fitting for the surroundings)."
"The beer wench, without skipping a beat, said, 'Everyone wants a Newcastle - no one wants to remodel!'"- jayhof52
Read The Room People!
"My dad wiped out when skiing down a mountain and lost a ski."
"After a few minutes of hunting for it, he gives up, slings the one remaining ski over a shoulder and starts walking down the mountain in his ski boots."
"About half-way down, another skier stops and goes 'Gee! Did you lose a ski?'"
"My dad instantly replied 'No, I was out for a walk and found one!'"- PeterJoAl
There's a reason your mother always told you to "use your words".
As clever remarks can have a much more lasting effect on people than a push or shove.