Stupid is as stupid does. And it’s pretty obvious when some poor, misinformed, potentially ignorant soul needs to be put in their place. Luckily, there are a lot of witty ways to do just that. We love a good euphemism.
Wanna know the best way to call out stupidity when you see it? Stay tuned.
Get a load of these sick burns. I swear, the people of Reddit are harsh.
Call outs are a universal language.
In Russian we have "intelligent thoughts have always followed him, but he was faster".
We have something similar in German: "Intelligence is chasing you, but you are faster."
Be your own Easter Bunny.Looney Tunes Cartoon GIF Giphy
You could hide your own Easter eggs.
The great Harvey Korman had some Alzheimer's @ 2005, and he still went on a talk show. They asked him how he was doing and he said he was OK. "Now I can hide my own Easter eggs." RIP.
“At this point, you can only impress me."
This reminds me of something I saw in a show recently. One character said "Would you think less of me if ____." The other character said "I could never think less of you."
I think I saw this one here previously "You aren't the biggest idiot in the world but you better hope they don't die".
It takes a very intelligent person to properly call out a dumb person. Weird how that works, huh?
When the bears are smarter than the tourists.GIF by Smokey Bear Giphy
Now I know what Douglas Adams was talking about.
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
That’s a gross mental image.
In Greece we say "when it was raining brains, you had an umbrella".
Edit: In German it's "Gott, lass Hirn regnen".
It’s probably a bad sign when your lawyer calls you dumb.
Lawyer to client who shared detailed attorney-client privileged strategy memorandum with a whole bunch of people, including an adverse party:
Client: "Is there anything you can do to fix this?"
Attorney: "No, you've pretty much waived the privilege and now they know everything."
Client: "Is there anyway to put a positive spin on this?"
Attorney: "Well, I suppose the judge might buy that this proves that you lack the mental capacity to form specific intent."
These next ones are just plain cold, but probably very much deserved.
Meanness from a Canadian is probably well-earned.eric cartman GIF by South Park Giphy
On a Canadian jobsite
Ahh Terry, having you around is like losing three good men.
Oof, that’s harsh.
He's so far behind he thinks he's first.
I had a keychain as a kid that said, "She who laughs last thinks slowest.”
Those are some gross socks.
Once heard someone say "Well he's about as sharp as a sock full of soup".
"Sharp as a marshmallow" was one that went around my friend circle.
In the words of the great prophets Smash Mouth, “I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed”. That self-burn is perhaps one of the most classic euphemisms. And I just almost misspelled “euphemism”. So I can definitely relate to that lyric.
A good way to exercise your brain? Keep thinking of creative ways to insult people. Trust me, it works like a charm
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." We're supposed to believe that adage and live by it, brushing off any negative comments that may be thrown our way.
We're supposed to be so confident in our own worth that insulting commentary and critique are meaningless.
But that is simply not real life. Truthfully, things people say can really hurt. And the insults can stick with us, lingering for years as we try to feel a sense of self-worth in the face of that thorn in our side from long ago.
And the struggle is even more pronounced when the insult comes from somebody we thought we could trust, say a friend, parent, or relative.
Some Redditors gathered to vent about the meanest comments that they can't seem to shake.
fruitydude asked, "What insult was so mean that it permanently damaged your self-esteem?"
When You Let Your Guard Down
"When I was younger an older 'friend' that I used to look up to back then told me while we're having fun in a group: 'If could see yourself laugh, you would probably never laugh again.'"
"I'm still self conscious about my laugh 10 years later."
Toughest Meal of the Day
"'You're poor ewww.' And 'Why is your lunch so smelly.. DOG EATER.' Yeah, I grew up not super wealthy like other kids being first generation with immigrant parents. It really hurt."
"I hated eating the lunches my mom made while other kids ate lunchables and pre-packaged foods or bought food from the cafeteria."
"Looking back I shouldn't have been ashamed given my mom was making really nice bentos. So I'd forego eating lunch almost every day. I'd eat maybe a small bag of chips since that was cheap to get."
"To this day I don't really eat lunch :(."
"I had an awful step mother, her and my dad locked me in my room aside from school with nothing but a sleeping bag for 2 years. Changed the doorknob on my door so it locked on the outside.
"She would bring me my dinner, set it on the floor and say 'here doggy doggy.' It ruined me in every way."
"'It was probably something unnecessary again' - my best friend who constantly told me this when she didn't really hear what I said."
"Doesn't sound too harsh but it made me stop talking as much and thinking of myself as a boring Person people don't enjoy talking to."
Bad Connotations of a Cute Thing
"My ex and I had a common friend. When we were still dating he told our friend, 'she's like a puppy.' Our friend confided this info to me."
"I thought it was a good thing until he said that he added 'you can do whatever you want and say whatever you want and she'll still be happy to see you.' My forgiving personality was taken for granted."
"When I told my father I wanted to come home to the family property and work on it and he said that was not going to happen. He said that he had 2 useful sons to run the property why would he want a useless daughter to be involved."
"The irony is that my brothers were given the family farm and lost it, I was given nothing and now have my own farm."
An Overshadowing Identity
"'Like, why did you even go to Vegas? You're so boring. I bet you ruined it for your friends.' - My coworker, completely 100% unprompted, weeks after I had returned."
"My other coworkers jumped in basically immediately and called her out, but the damage was done. Years later I still can't help but label myself as the boring friend."
The Last Thing They Needed to Hear
"I have stretch marks because I'm very tall for my age and had a growth spurt during Quarantine."
"'You look like a tiger with these stretch marks, Everybody will think you're ugly.'"
"Thanks mom for making me hate myself even more."
"I was trying to learn guitar and I fell in love with it, I would practice everyday after school."
"I tried showing my dad how i was progressing and he told me 'is that all you can do?' it's been 5 years and I've never touched my guitar since then."
"oh boy. I was around 7 years old, my mum invited her friend round and she brought her daughter along. we were playing and the girl told me about her ballet classes."
"I asked my mum if I could go to ballet class with her and she said they'd take one look at me and tell me sumo wrestling was down the hall and I was in the wrong room."
"this was about 15 years ago and it still hurts to think about. I've brought it up before and she conveniently doesn't remember. thanks mum!"
"'You run weird.'" -- ashish19982001
"Duuuude! I got this one back in grade school and to this day it makes me avoid having to run at all costs. Need me to hurry? Best i can do is fast-walk." -- JosephSmash
An Unwelcome Return
"My 2nd grade teacher the day after I came back to school from being sick 'the class was better without you in it'" -- c00kie912
"In 2nd f***in grade? Damn." -- TheBlueLightbulb
"I've heard that teachers sometimes mentally stoop to the age that they are teaching. It explains so much about some of those grade school teachers I had."
"Not that that's an excuse; that's absolutely a horrible thing to say to any child." -- mmm_unprocessed_fish
"I got made fun of for my teeth when I was young. They were all over the place and I had to have braces TWICE and a permanent retainer to fix them."
"No notable insult comes to mind, but the other kids would laugh if I smiled or laughed because they were making fun of my teeth."
"I'm 31 with a beautiful smile now and I'm still weird about smiling."
"When I was in school I was often called a 'Garden gnome' because I was short and fat I guess. I never forgot that. I remember seeing a picture on someone's Facebook of me in a crowd and someone had wrote 'look in the back! Found the gnome.'"
"It hurt, because I was never even mean to these kids but they hated me enough to do that."
"This one time when I was a kid I was wearing my soccer shoes and running from my house to the car to go to a game. My dad was waiting for me inside the car and he saw me running."
"When I got inside he told me, 'don't run with those shoes on again,' to which I said, 'you're right, I might trip and fall, and hurt myself'..."
"...to which he replied 'I don't give a f*** about you but those shoes were expensive'... it's been about 28 years since that happened and I still remember that moment and how deep my heart hurt like it just happened."
Tough to Flirt After That
"At a party, the host's girlfriend told a room full of her single friends that I was a shy guy, useless to date, and a lost cause."
"Still hurts like a motherf***er today."
"'You are the worst I have EVER had! Worse than the guy who raped me! And if you ever want to keep a girl or marry someone then you should never have sex ever again!'"
"So you know what? I won't. Ever. Because now I f***ing hate the thought of sex or being that vulnerable with someone who could destroy me that easily ever again."
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Sometimes, you just have to say it. You're in the presence of someone wildly hard-headed, misguided, self-absorbed, or just plain arrogant. And they're just going on and on.
You can't imagine letting this person leave this interaction without any awareness of their behavior. They need to be told and, ideally, pushed to reflect.
And yet you do not enjoy conflict. In fact, you avoid it whenever possible. These two facts--a loudmouth and pacifism--create a tiresome impasse.
But there is a solution. It's the ideal comment to hover right in that sweet spot where true conflict isn't stirred but annoyance is nonetheless expressed. It's the polite insult.
The polite insult is difficult to master but a worthy tool in your arsenal as you navigate a world full of all kinds of people. On the outside, it's nice enough to remain in the friendly tone of most interactions. And yet, if the person really thinks about it, there is no doubt what is conveyed.
Lucky for us, a Reddit thread pulled together the best of them.
Lampy5 asked, "What is your favorite polite insult?"
Fingers Crossed for Karma
"I hope your day is as pleasant as you are." -- llcucf80
"Its a solid insult for working retail because odds are they figure out what you mean while they are in the car driving away." -- runawaytoaster
"This is a staple sentence as a server/bartender" -- SpicySoggypickle
Someone's Gotta Keep Things In Check
"I'd agree with you but then we'd both be wrong." -- Oniwaban9
"Definitely using this one" -- umasa001
"I'd agree thats a good insult, but then we'd both be wrong...No, it actually is a good one, I just wanted to use it on u xD" -- kegegeam
"As per my last email..." -- TipsyPeanuts
"I once got a very nasty email from our admin staff that one of my time sheets had not been sent in, and it needed to be sent in IMMEDIATELY or the world would end. So I forwarded the same email I had sent them last week that had everything attached" -- PM_UR_NUDES_LADIES
Never Good to Be Quaint
"Well aren't you precious? (soft, super-condescending smile here)" -- Unknown_system_error
"Aww bless your heart." -- billybobjimmyjoe
"This all the way." -- ChangetheGame20
"It's more like 'you poor idiot,' or 'it must be hard being that stupid'" -- _PM_ME_YOUR_SYNTAX
"When somebody compliments themselves, I'll ask 'Who told you that?'" -- msb41
"Brutal" -- Krissy_loo
"And if the stars align, they say 'My mom,' to which you can say, 'ah yes, she just wants you to be happy.'" -- im_dead_sirius
Hovering Nicely in the Bell Curve
"It's nice that you're so ordinary." -- ReaverRogue
"You look like you'd be easy to draw." -- wesontap
"This made me chuckle! Love it." -- THE_Lena
"'Yeah, that's an idea' if I can't genuinely say it's a good idea." -- KiloRomeo0588
"'That's a... unique idea' is my go to" -- Sethrial
Odorless, Tasteless, Featureless
"If you were a spice, you would be flour." -- ItsYourBoyReckster
"That wasn't polite, that was f***ing heartless. Ouch, I wanna try it out." -- 2HrsOnTheName
All About Tone
"'good for you' said in the right condescending tone." -- immajustgooglethat
"Want a cookie works well" -- AMouse82
"'If you say so' is - I believe - the English equivalent." -- christianunionist
Take a Load Off
"'He was never overburdened by intelligence.'" -- DrumlineFreak
"Cant remember who but someone said about George bush 'he was a humble man with much to be humble about'" -- woosterthunkit
"Who ties your shoelaces for you?"
"What colour is the sky in your world?"
"Do you have someone who looks after you?"
Keeping it Neutral
"'Look at that face'"
"My ex-husband (we were married at the time) had friends who had a baby right after ours was born. I went to visit and commiserate about newborns with the wife."
"She brought out the baby and...well all I could say was 'look at that face' because while I find babies weird looking (even my own) as newborns, this one was...well...idk I feel bad saying it but fugly"
Nudging Them to Awareness
"'Oh, you're welcome!'"
"(Me pretending like I heard them say 'thank you' when they're just ungrateful.)"
"I don't care what they say about you, you're ok" -- vhfdthcfjvff
"This one's pure evil, and it's why I love it so much." -- addictivemischief
Just Posh Enough to Throw Off the Scent
"'One hardly speaks of such things'"
"My standard response to anyone who asks a question about something that is none of their damn business."
"Calling someone 'bud'" -- bigaus25
"This or 'bub' 'Hey I got some issues for you to deal with today bub. You and and young bucks out there should be able to handle it bub!'" -- FupaSmacker
"i feel like when dads do it its more... reassuring..? idk just dads give off a certain energy." -- Longjumping_Diamond5
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Not everyone is forthright when it comes to giving compliments.
Some people dole them out with the intention of making the other person feel good even if they don't mean it.
Thumper once said, "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all."
When it comes to applying this principle, people are complicated.
I remember I was in rehearsals for a new musical I was developing. When you spend weeks – even months – in a room creating art with other artists, the work becomes very personal to a fault.
You become protective and your bias prevents you from seeing potential flaws that can easily be addressed to make the end result better.
So when a good friend came to see the dress rehearsal and I asked his opinion of the show afterward, he said with a deadpan expression, "the costumes are stunning." When I pressed further, he said, "I love your voice."
He never answered my question about what he thought of the actual production.
Most performers would understand that to mean he thought the show was terrible but accentuated the positive to avoid hurting my feelings.
So basically, the compliment really wasn't a compliment.Whatever the reason, many people are evasive when it comes to disclosing how they really feel.
Redditor d0ct0rwh0b0y wondered:
You Have No Talent
"When my art teacher said great effort"
"There was a girl with mild CP in my art class in high school, and the teacher stood behind as she drew for a while and said, "Wow, your self portrait may actually turn out to be all right."
"There was a very awkward tension in the room after that..."
You're No Longer Cute
"You were so pretty as a child."
"Oof. This hit home. My mom has this 'joke' that she thinks is hilarious. Whenever we happen to see an old photo of me when I was a kid, she (without fail) will say, 'You used to be so cute... What happened?' Every time. Literally cracks herself up with it too. If I show I don't think it's funny, she'll do the arm slap thing: 'oh come on, you know I'm just joking. What happened to your sense of humor?'"
"There are lots of thin and pretty girls who wish they were as funny as you."
I Accept You
"No matter what people say about you, I think you're okay..."
"My father always uses to say to his students, 'You know, Jimmy, it's not true what they write about you on the bathroom stalls.'"
You Lack Fashion Sense
"I love how you'll just wear anything"
"I had a friend in middle/highschool who wore anything. She loved going to goodwills and buying up weird extravagant outfits. Some looked like they were for older women in the 80's. She had one jacket that looked just like the one Grandma Yetta from The Nanny wore all the time. But the thing was, while she wore anything, she looked amazing in all of it! And her look was so out there that no one dared copy her style because it would have been too obvious."
On Second Thought...
"Anything compliment with the word 'actually' in it."
"You're actually quite pretty"
"You're actually smart!"
My Original Work Was Better
"I heard when the seventh episode of Star Wars came out, George Lucas gave a fairly backhanded compliment to the movie: 'The public will love it.'"
"I've had 'You're pretty good looking/handsome, for a dwarf' so many times. One person even added 'Most of you guys are pretty weird looking' as a nice little cherry on top. Thanks..."
"A guy gave it as a feedback to one of the professors."
"If I had only one hour left to live, I'd always choose to attend your class, as it always feels like an eternity."
"'You're so independent, It's no wonder you are still single.' — Tbh, it's not like I have a choice."
The only thing better than a REALLY good insult is an equally as good or better comeback.
That kind that gets the entire room involved, where people applaud, or someone goes "Ohhhhhh!" and the fun and energy of the comeback just really gets you jazzed.
Maybe that's just our inflated view from the metric tons of 80s movies we've been watching in lockdown, but, that's the idea.
Here were some of those answers.
Fast And Merciless
A friend in highschool on our way to a track meet. He was staring at a car in the parking that was really nice. When this dbag saw him.
Dbag: "why bothering looking at that when you know you'll never be able to get one?"
My friend: "the same reason you watch porn"
The entire bus erupted and it's still one of the funniest things I've ever heard.
A dude in my class called out a semi friend of mine, that people are talking behind his back. In fact, that wasn't the case, as far as I know, and that guy said: "Well you know what the say about you? Nothing, nobody f**king cares."
Congrats On Being A Big Kid
Overheard by me, the school bus driver, one fifth grade student was belittling a first grader. When it was time for a comeback, first grader shouts out, "Congratulations!"
The bewildered fifth grader had nothing to say and went to sit down with her friends in the back of the bus.
Sick Burnz Yo
Many, many years ago, when we were about 18, a friend of mine was arguing with another person we knew. This person was trying to be a bad@ss and intimidate my buddy.
He says"my feet are registered".
Without missing a beat my friend replies "Where? Health & Sanitation?". Forty years later I still crack up at this when it comes to mind.
Explosion Of Laughter
English class in Middle School
Kid A - "yo, Kid B, your mama waited on me at McDonalds last night. Must feel like crap having a mom that works at McDonalds"
Kid B- " at least MY mom gets out of bed to go to work"
English teacher far louder than he realized "DAYUM!"
The rest of us were laughing so hard, the teacher next door popped her head in to see what was going on...
Victorians Were Ridiculous
18th Century British radical politician John Wilkes was told in parliament by a political opponent "Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox".
Wilkes shot back with "That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your lordship's principles or your mistress."
On a construction site one afternoon, different trades were working in the same area. Like silly team sports, the sparkies always hang with the sparkies and the turd wranglers always hang with the turd wranglers and anytime they're together it turns into a pointless dick-measuring contest (usually not literally)!
One particularly childish exchange saw two men chopping back and forth- my unti biggest, blah blah blah. Finally one of em spits out this classic:
"I've got girth like a can of corn!"
And the clap back was unforgettable:
"But you've got length like a can of tuna!"
Everyone busted up. Mister girth tried to hide his embarrassment, but was tied-up. No come-back. And a room of men laughing uncontrollably.
Insult Queens And Kings
Chelsea Handler told Russell Brand: "the way you are looking at me makes me wants to cover my vajayjay."
He replied "Ma'am if I had a rubber glove, I'd do it for you."
Crowd burst into laughter and she even acknowledged "that was good"
City-State Of Sick Throwdowns
Not heard, but read. Easily the Spartans reply to Philip II of Macedon:
"As Philip II of Macedon was conquering Greek city-states left and right, Sparta was left alone. Philip had achieved a crushing victory, and Sparta was relatively weak and without walls."
"Philip sent a message to the Spartans saying 'If I invade Lakonia you will be destroyed, never to rise again.'"
"The Spartans replied with one word, 'If.'"
This Is Why They're Neutral
During WW1, Switzerland had a tiny standing army, but they were very skilled marksmen. Wilhelm II of Germany asked what 250k Swiss troops would do if he decided to invade with 500k German troops.
The Swiss said, "Shoot twice and go home."
Saw a clip of a standup comedian the other day, and he says something along the lines of "the first time I had sex it was terrible... the first time I had sex..." and a woman chimes in with "you mean yesterday? " crowd laughs for a while, and while the comedian is waiting for them to calm down you can see the gears turn in his head, once it gets down to basically a few chuckles, he just says "Glad you remember " and the crowd just lost their shit, it was amazing
My grandma asked my cousin, who'd had lots of partners and 2 kids at this point, if she was ever going to get married.
Cousin: It's not the same nowadays. We don't buy cars without test driving them first.
Grandma: Yeah. But they don't let you put a hundred thousand miles on them either.
Point goes to Granny.
A Bully Shut Down For Good
I can't remember the best one I've heard, but I can remember the best comeback I ever did. It is also, in fact, the only good comeback I ever did. I was in 7th grade, and we were in the locker room after gym. People were discussing shoe sizes because this one kid had enormous feet. I don't know if I have small feet, but mine were the smallest. They said, "Small feet, you know what that means!" I didn't mind too much, but one kid crossed the line. He said, "Don't worry, fella, there's like 10 different ways to make it bigger." So I said, "Have you tried all 10?"
Not very impressive, but it shut him up.
The Toilet's Jealous
I work at a hotel. A few years ago this guest got into a spat with our security officer over something, but she wasn't getting whatever she wanted so she told him he was full of s**t
Our security officer replied immediately, "no I'm not, I took care of that this morning. But thank you for your concern for my good health and regularity." At this time I was about to bust up laughing so I had to excuse myself to the back office, and as I was leaving I heard him continuing on with this lady, deadpan, "but I promise I eat a healthy diet full of fiber. It warms my heart to know you're concerned with me having regular bowel movements. So the next time I'm constipated I know you're thinking of me," It continued on and on, and all the more he's playing this deadpan and it's making the lady madder and madder, and I'm in the back laughing so hard I'm nearly crying.
After that spiel was over though she didn't give us anymore problems the rest of the night.
Unprecedented Moments Of Genius
He was walking out of English I was walking in. We met at the door way and were chest to chest. And he looks me in the eye and says
"Grow some t*ts"
Without missing a beat i reply dead faced "Donate yours"
Then proceed to proudly walk to my desk with a big smile.
Also I did eventually grow some boobs. They are small but they are nice.
The Gays Will Not Stand
It was a exchange between 2 co-workers a few years back, basically a slut shaming gone wrong. Person A had only ever slept with one person, their previous boyfriend that they were still obsessed with. Person B was the opposite and would bang a different person every week.
Person A: "I can't believe how many people you've slept with, I don't understand how people can have sex with someone they aren't in love with"
Person B: "Well your ex-boyfriend seemed to manage it okay"
Person A: silence as he dies inside