
My mom's side of the family all have PhD's in backhanded complimenting. I grew up getting things like:
"Oh my goodness would you look at those grades! You must work so hard! Your mom is so lucky, my daughter doesn't try hard at anything - not even her modeling career! Sure, she's gorgeous - but look at how much you try!"
Or my personal favorite: "You'll be so beautiful once you start to look more like your mother."
Spoiler alert: my mother has pale skin, straight black hair, and pale green eyes. I, on the other hand, am much more olive, have huge curly hair, and brown eyes. Unless we involved surgeons and some sketchy beauty practices, I was never going to start to look more like my mother.
Reddit user u/stellarscale asked:
And yeah, some of this sounds like exactly the sort of thing that they would say. So for those of you who have a "that person" in your life - be it a mom, a step mom, a mean friend, a boss, etc. - read this article with their voice in mind. It's weirdly therapeutic to realize you're totally not the only one who gets this stuff.
Faster Than You Look
After doing well in a 10 mile race, "you're a lot faster than you look." really means "Your fat @ss doesn't look like it could run 10 miles unless it was chasing a chicken wing on a fishing pole"
Community Benefit
A judge told me it would benefit the community when I told him I was enlisting in the army. At first I thought he meant the overall world/military community would benefit from me being there.
Now I understand that it means "the community we're kicking your b*tch @ss out of will benefit"
Not If I See You First
When you say "see you later" and they say "not if I see you first." I just realized not that long ago that it implies that they will actively avoid you if they see you first.
Like when you see someone you know in a store, and you don't want to interact with them, you might even change aisles for a bit to not come into contact with them. That's like an example of what that retort means.
- becelav
Principles
"She is always dedicated to her principles, even in the face of policy and procedures that conflict with those principles." - my boss
The 5th Grade Note
In 5th grade, we had an end of the year going away party. We had beach balls that everybody got and we were signing them for each other and writing notes like you would at a yearbook signing. Most of the times it was something like
Hey have an awesome break -Signed Name
I passed my ball to a classmate that had sat next to me for most of the year. She filled up an entire section of the beach ball with a note to me. I didn't read it at the time but did later when I got home. It said something like this:
It was nice sitting next to you all year. You seem like a really cool guy, but sometimes you go over the top and are really annoying. Have a good summer and I'll see you next year.
I didn't realize at the time how annoying I actually was. It was kind of a revelation to me. Not only was it a genuine note, but it seemed like she knew I could be a better person. It was really on point for a 5th grader to write such a genuine note, I hadn't gotten anything like that before.
The subsequent years, I really changed how I was. I tried to be a nicer person that tried to make others laugh and be happy instead of annoyed. I was only ever an acquaintance with the girl that wrote it, but that note was actually a pretty pivotal point in my childhood.
So wherever you are, thanks neighbor. I needed that complement/insult that you wrote me on my beach ball.
Slave To Fashion
"I love how your style never changes. I wish I could stick with a look, but I guess I'm just a slave to fashion trends. I mean, would you just look at what I'm wearing? Lol"
At first I thought "Hey, I do have a nice, well thought out, classic look that I've taken care to cultivate. How nice of them to notice and take the time to say such a nice thing."
It wasn't until the next day that I remembered that the person who said that and I do not get along, at all, and it was probably an insult and a way to direct attention to their new outfit. I'm an idiot.
Voluptuous
My ex's mother described me as 'voluptuous' and I felt like a curvy bombshell! Until the following week. I overheard her saying it was how you described someone when they were chubby but you didn't want to say.
Actually
Any compliment with the word "actually" injected in it. "You actually look good today" or "that was actually a good idea"
Southern People
I'm just gonna go ahead and let everyone here know something. Southern people are assh*les. We are just really good at sounding sweet about it.
If someone from the south says "Bless your heart" they are telling you that you're being a p*ssy or that you got yourself into this situation.
If someone says to you "awh, Sweetheart" or "Sweetie" in any other way than romantically they are calling you an absolute idiot.
Last but definitely not least if you ever say something controversial or something you immediately regret and get told "Well, isn't that just Quaint" you basically just got told to shut the f*ck up and watch your mouth.
Think of Me.... Think of Me fondly....
When I was in elementary school one day we had to write down positive comments and "room for improvement" comments about each other. It was a lesson in handling criticism and giving out compliments. We would then read all of them for said kid and talk about it. When it came time to be my turn, I got no "room for improvement" comments or positive comments. At first I thought it was a compliment that I needed to improve nothing. Then this popular girl came up to me at lunch and told me it's because no one ever thinks about me so they had nothing to say about me. In hindsight, I was very quiet and shy and it kind of helped me get out of my box. But god damn did it hurt for a while. Yoinkie2013
Not so Cool....
I was told I was an intimidating uberc**t once. I thought it was a perfect compliment to my hXc punk rock teenager lifestyle, now I cringe to think about the nihilist trash bag I'm sure I was to deserve such a title. IndustrialPigmy
Still a plus...
So this only kinda works, but in 8th grade we had to write down a compliment about everyone in our class. One kid wrote, "You're okay." Lovealltigers
NOW I see!
I lost 40ish pounds and my coworker goes "I never really noticed how big you had gotten until now." I laughed and agreed but looking back - that's only something I can think! ashlyn0912
Weird Chemistry....
"I'm like, weirdly attracted to you." Why does it have to be weird? gaykeyyy1
Some people use 'weirdly' to mean 'more than I'd expect' and that can honestly be a real compliment or genuine confusion, just as easily as an insult.
IE, a guy I dated, is one of the most attractive people I've ever met let alone dated, yet he ticks absolutely none of my usual boxes - if anything, he's the total opposite, both physically and personality wise... we both though it was surprising an unexpected and...well, weird! That doesn't make it rude or bad.
But, some people do mean it badly - the, 'I'm weirdly attracted to you ...considering how ugly you actually are' kind of thing. onlycatscare
Hey Sailor....
Dad used to tell me I "drank like a thirsty sailor." Thought it was a compliment because I was in elementary school and I thought sailors were cool. Realized as a teen that I had just chugged absolutely every drink and he was trying to get me to slow down. cryptidkelp
All by yourself?
Had to bring a notebook to piano lessons. One day I forgot, and the teacher wrote down the notes on a separate piece of paper. When I got home, I taped it to my notebook, and the next lesson she said,
Her: "Did you do this yourself?"
Me: *All proud and happy little kid* "Yep."
Her: "Good for you."
it wasn't until recently when I was going through my old notes that I realized I accidentally taped it together with two other blank pages, making them useless. And when I think back to it, she said it in more of a sarcastic manner. TheAbominableBanana
But I draw real, real good.....
At the 8th grade commencement, my teacher gave a short speech about each of the students. In mine, she said she was impressed at the speed and quantity of my drawings, and listed a bunch of things she thought I drew.
She did not mention the quality of the drawings at all, and none of the subjects were things that I had actually drawn. I get the feeling she didn't know me very well and that was all she could come up with, so I wasn't too mad about it.
The real problem was that she didn't mention that I got my work done first, so my dad got really pissed that I was drawing instead of working, and good luck trying to convince my dad of anything when he's angry. At this point in my life, I was still pretty afraid of him in general, so that didn't help either. Aperture_T
Family can be brutal!
My boss telling a new hire, "We treat each other like family." Apparently I'm the ex-husband. ambermage
I'm an Artist!
I'm a musician/guitarist. One time at a large jam, I sang and played a song that I just kind of picked out by ear. Never actually looked up the chords or anything. Afterward, someone commented, "That was an interesting arrangement of that song!"
At first, I thought he was saying he liked it. The more I think about it, I'm pretty sure it was his nice way of saying, "I know the correct way to play that song, and that wasn't it." toonces
The list of what irritates me is endless.
I mean... breathing too loud or dust can set me off.
I'm a bit unstable, yes.
But I'm not alone.
So let's discuss.
Redditor Aburntbagel6 wanted to hear about all the times many of us just couldn't control our disdain. They asked:
"What never fails to piss you off?"
I feel like this article can go on forever. Let's get some highlights.
Wasted Time
"Meetings that could and should have been an email."
Sirena609
Lotto People
"Getting stuck behind people playing the lottery at a corner store."
thenuggetlover
"I also used to work in a gas station and you’re SO right. I f**king hated the lottery people. Especially since my store had a small staff and there was usually only one of us working at a time, which meant that I couldn’t get any of my other work done as long as they were there."
"And you’re right, it’s also pretty sad to watch. I had one lady who used to come in every day and spent hundreds and HUNDREDS of dollars on scratch tickets. One day, she won $200 after spending probably around $600 and she was so excited and saying she can 'finally pay her bills.'"
i-am-your-god-now
Aware...
"No situational awareness. Job, home, shopping, driving. Think for one minute and go about. OBSERVE!!"
Dizzy-Foundation8122
"My mom is one of those people who leave the shopping cart in the middle of the damn aisle and proceed to walk twenty feet away. After correcting her a million times to no effect I just walk away now so people don’t know I’m with her."
OutrageousEvent
Shut Up!
"Endless barking in the middle of the night, I love animals but that sh*t I can't stand."
Acceptable-Lemon2924
"Endless barking in general drives me up a wall. One of my friends dogs was barking almost an entire gaming session the other day. I wanted to reach through the computer and smack him for letting it go on."
bangersnmash13
Kindness
"People being mean to service workers, especially if the workers are very young."'
scaryboilednoodles
All of these things. I hate them all.
Admit It
"People who never accept fault when they mess something up. Like, why blame a million people when it was clearly you who did it???"
Quirky-Area-8978
From Above
"My upstairs neighbors."
lutzow89
"I had terrible neighbors at my previous apartment. It was a one person studio for students, but her boyfriend was clearly living with her illegally and he was loud."
"One night we knocked n the door at 3 AM because of the loud music and an unknown girl opened the door. I just thought they were having a little party. But the next door I saw the girl living there come home with a suitcase after having been away for the weekend... Her BF was cheating on her in her own apartment."
Th3_Accountant
Move Away
"People who sit directly next to me at the airport, movie theater, any other place where you can choose a seat when there is PLENTY of other seating."
BacardiPardy33
"I can’t YES this enough and the ones who can’t park for crap so they park so close you can’t open doors on one side of the car or the ones who park directly behind when you pulled through so the door won’t open to load groceries."
BacardiPardy33
It's Over
"People who try to restart old drama. Like I'm done with you, just leave me alone."
Tired_Potatos
"Yep, half the reason I've basically quit playing one of my favorite online video games. People keep bringing old crap up or sh*tting on on someone who used to be our friend. I got tired of it so I just ejected the game out of me."
CaucasianHumus
AHHHHH!!!
"People walking too slow in front of me with no way to get around them. It’s even worse if it’s a couple or group taking up the whole sidewalk. HAVE SOME SPATIAL AWARENESS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!"
_-v0x-_
Life in general pisses me off. I'm easy.
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If you, like millions of others, had your little 90s heart held in an unyielding vice grip by Jonathan Taylor Thomas, I'm gonna need you to sit down and take a few deep breaths because I'm about to say something so controversial, yet so freeing for you.
Jonathan Taylor Thomas was not all that and your passionate love for him was classic Disney manipulation. It's not your fault.
You weren't in 90s love - you were traumatized, and it's gonna be okay.
Reddit user Endowedx7 asked:
"90s babies.. who was your first television crush?!"
First of all, nobody followed directions and we jumped from TV to movies to cartoons super fast.
Secondly, the sheer number of people who say Jonathan Taylor Thomas when this question is asked just hurts my soul. He, honestly, was a B-rate heartthrob at best.
His hair wasn't perfectly parted and platinum-like Jonathan Brandis (RIP)
Thomas Ian Nicholas had stronger "3 first names" power.
JTT lacked the shy smile Devon Sawa served with ease.
Even Andrew Keegan started a cult.
What did Jonathan Taylor Thomas do to earn so much adoration?
I theorize that the answer, quite simply, boils down to trauma bonding. We fell in love with Simba, and his little cries over Mufasa, and that was it; JTT was now our forever favorite because of the Circle of Life.
Dang Disney is good - but also kind of evil. Now that you know, you can heal. Go forth in peace.
Bask in Reddits favorite Non-JTT 90's crushes.
Devon. Duh.
"Casper, Devon Sawa"
- ramblinator
"Hard yes at Devon. Casper 'Can I keep you?' wrecked me 😭"
"Also in Now and Then, Idle Hands, Final Destination. They were my faces. Oof, the 90s were a time."
- coma-toaste
"My sister actually just met him at some sort of convention in Dallas. She sent me a pic, because she knew how much I loved Devon."
- ShataraBankhead
"Devon Sawa was my first crush. My friends could keep JTT, I only had eyes for Devon."
- bassgirl_07
"This was the answer I was looking for. He looked beautiful to me at a kid watching that movie."
- Noppo_and_Gonta
A Science Lady
"Scully. I love me a science lady."
- silverblaze92
"Lort yes Scully with that fire red hair and those soft eyes!!!!"
"Underrated crush. She was beautiful!"
- Drops_USMiC
"I still have the biggest crush on her. Literal schoolgirl crush, blush and all."
"It took me like 10 years to realize that straight girls don't like other girls the way I adored Scully."
"Aaaaaand that's how I realized I was definitely bi."
- juniper-mint
"Scully and Velma were my biggest fictional crushes growing up, I just like nerdy ladies. 🤷🏻♂️
- Foofsies
Daddy Shang
"Captain-turned-General Li Shang from Mulan."
"The first time he took his shirt off made a lasting impact that I was not prepared for."
- g_lay
"Lol it did for Mulan, too."
"It occurred to me recently that she'd likely never seen a shirtless man who wasn't her dad, so that specimen was her first..."
- kdbartleby
"Daddy Shang"
- supholmess
"BRUUUHHHH Shang yes"
- TheObservationalist
"Sign me up for the next war!"
- ElderBrute
Brendan
"BRENDAN FRASER"
- purplehairedcatdaddy
"Came here to say this! For me it was George of the Jungle, the bowls scene changed me."
- sheehosellstheshells
"God he was sexy, especially with long hair."
"He was done so dirty. Glad he’s getting more work now but he deserves more."
- Viiibrations
"Omg, I was so in love with him. I even watched that stupid Dudley Do-Right movie."
"Everybody loved him for his body, but I'd still give it to him today though. Chubby guys ftw."
- Iced_Jade
...And Everyone's Bisexual Awakening
"I came here to say Brendan too. George of the Jungle and The Mummy… 🤤"
- Tough_Raspberry1983
"As a bisexual, The Mummy and The Mummy Returns had me feeling so many ways. Poor young me didn’t know who to focus on more lmao"
- starkrocket
"Lets be honest here, practically the entire main cast of the Mummy qualifies."
- Skylis
"The Mummy was a glorious bisexual awakening for so many people."
- shallowbasketcase
Its Morphin Time
"Kimberly, the pink ranger. She can still get it, wherever she is."
- END0WEDx
"You are the man, OP, for responding to your own question with the best answer. "
"This too was my first tv crush. She was all that back then."
- Mikernoce
"The episode where the Tigerzord and Thunder Megazord get destroyed... She had no right wearing that outfit for us kids but I'm so glad she did."
- [Reddit]
"This is the one."
"I was like 4 watching power rangers in my underwear, and I thought she could see through the TV and I got embarrassed and put pants on."
- TheOfficialTheory
Starfleet Standards
"Jonathan Frakes. That beard fetish has followed me around for the last 25 years."
- Cutegun
"Omg, yes. Daddy Riker has me feeling all kinds of ways that are surely not up to Starfleet standards."
- hardly_trying
"Ohh yeah. There’s a reason why he was always written as the one seducing (or being seduced by) hot alien women."
"And yes, I too grew up to love men with beards. 😆"
- tourmaline82
"It’s unsettling to re-watch the first season before his beard was a cast member. Deeply unsettling."
- lunaleather
Flintstones
"Halle Berry from the 1994 Flintstones movie."
"Oh. My. God. I was obsessed."
- ImLikeLicorice
"I remember thinking 'wtf is that cleavage doing in a PG Steven Spielberg movie?' But at the same time, I was perfectly ok with it."
- Ooze3d
Shakira Shakira
"I remember watching Shakira in a music video on MTV when I was 9 and being completely mesmerized 😂"
- MoAdibbb
"Yes, same for me. I was 8 and Whenever Wherever was everywhere on TV and radio."
- lucitribal
"Me too! She just did it for me and I was like 4... It's literally one of the earliest memories I still have."
- Dazius06
Merry Christmas
"Aaron Carter on the Christmas episode of Lizzie McGuire…. Lol what a time!"
- illbeokayeventually
"I met him when I worked at the airport. Came in wearing a beanie and a bathrobe."
"He was super friendly though 😅"
- evergreenxsage
"I was scrolling for this answer! I can picture the Christmas episode in my head!"
- Helpful_Cat0808
"I swore I was the only one who saw this and just never said it out loud."
- sheisvoid
The Static
"I hope video games count!"
"I remember walking up to the TV to kiss Link."
"The static made it more fun lol"
- mommasoggydoggyup
Hexes And Homos
"The Hex Girls from Scooby-Doo! and The Witch's Ghost"
- TheMissingChapstick
"Oh the Hex Girls are required crushes for every young gays development."
- [Reddit]
"Honestly I should've realized I wasn't straight sooner, those hex girls were FINE"
- Azusanga
"I'm convinced the Hex Girls singer Thorn was the reason so many guys my age were into scene girls when they were younger."
- What----------------
"The hex girls definitely awakened something inside of me when I was younger."
- abloobudoo009
Something Awesome
"April O'Neil from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
- N_Tracer
"I just remember thinking there was something really awesome about that yellow jumpsuit"
- Crazyjaw
"My God, that Yellow jump suit."
- AdamBombTV
"If my mom would walk in the room while April was on the screen I would get so nervous and awkward like she walked in on me watching porn."
- Japhysiva
Peter
"Jeremy Sumpter in Peter Pan"
- Obvious-Olive8241
"OHHHHHH weee you just took me down nostalgia lane. That boy had me dead for a solid week straight."
"Kept rewatching Peter Pan again and again to pretend I was Wendy 🥺😭"
- a_sunny_disposition
"Same, even convinced my parents to take me to L.A. to a Ronald Mc Donald race in Griffith park to meet him, and the day of the race we got lost and didn’t get to meet him."
"I almost cried when i saw everyones picture with him on this forum called Jeremy’s angels."
- Aggravating_Row2179
Gargoyles Need Love Too
"The female gargoyle in the Gargoyles cartoon."
"My siblings made fun of me for this for like 10 years until they forgot about it. I hope they never remember lol."
- Spirit860
See?
TONS of non-JTT options for all tastes!
We can finally be free, my friends. Free!
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How did these scam calls become such a problem.
They're an epidemic.
If I get one more robocall today, I may through a phone through a window.
I've go to start scaring these people off.
Would that even work?
Redditor vmcards17 wanted to hear about how we can get creative with those non-stop phone calls that are driving us mad!
They asked:
"What’s the funniest way to answer a scammer’s call?"
My first thought is... "LEAVE ME ALONE!!"
Blood
"Don't say 'hello' just pick up the phone and say 'it's done, but there's blood everywhere. I'll need your help cleaning it up. Bring bleach, trash bags and that large saw from the garage.' and then just hang up."
FinnbarMcBride
Pretend
"Pretend to be elderly and confused. You’ll hook them immediately and can then proceed with wasting the most of their time."
Bananaman1229
"This is my go to, my record is 8min of slowing asking them to repeat it and ask about my benefits or what the package includes. If it’s the solar guys I ask about the panel type and what crew they will use. Sometime I tell them I just moved or ask about the weather."
brapo68
language by language...
"I gave the phone to my neighbor who talked to them in Pennsylvania German. My neighbor is Amish. Then the person on the phone tried to use regular German, but all they knew was 'Sprechen Sie Deutsch.' When my Amish neighbor said yeah and then rattled off in a mix of German and dutch the scammer hung up."
"Then they called back not 20 minutes later. So I spoke to them in Chinese. But they kept telling me to speak in English. They hung up after about two minutes."
elanrach
Hold Please
"In a forum online, a girl answered a call with a Caller ID that came up as fraud. She answered breathlessly, 'Can you hold on? I'm having sex.' She clicked on porn and set the phone next to the computer's speaker. The guy listened for half an hour."
SciFi_Author
HOW?!?!
"HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER?!?"
"Answer every phone call that way."
RogueNine
Why did I not think of some of these sooner?
Hey Bob
"Bob's orphanage, you make 'em we take 'em."
Spicy_French-Fry
Gotcha!
"Wasting time of scammers? One of the most fun activities to do. Have wasted the time of one guy who wanted to scam me with steam cards and such.. I impersonated a local I know and talked like him, acted like him and mocked the scammer in subtle ways. Was really funny, I streamed that entire sh**show to my friends."
"Me mocking a scammer and giving them useless steam-gift codes, even telling them that they are like any other guy out there trying to scam me and such. It's really hilarious when you think about that me telling to that guy that he is like any other guy who wants to scam me made them trying even harder instead of acknowledging that he was completely played by me the entire time."
"We had five hours pure fun together, the scammer lost five hours of lifetime."
ShadowLemon313
Tricks and Treats
"I once worked for a legitimate call centre where we called people who ticked boxes, on forms and stuff, saying they'd be interested in X product or service. It was a crap job and I got out of it ASAP, but it paid by the hour (not commission). People would hang up, pretend it was the wrong number, pretend not to speak English, and all kinds of stuff (even though I'd be happy to just remove their info if they asked, and I always offered)."
"But when people pulled the whole 'Just wait a minute' trick, and left the phone down, it was a welcome break. I could just doodle pictures, browse the internet, and generally relax, because the system had me down as on a call. And I was still getting paid the same."
"I once spent an hour and a half like that, before the woman picked the phone up, realized I was sill there, asked me what the hell was wrong with me, and hung up. This may well have been a similar thing."
BadgerSituation
You Win!
"In your best Announcer's Voice:"
"You've reached KSCM 99.3 The River, you're on the air and you are the seventh caller! Are you excited? ARE YOU EXCITED???"
Hysterical_Realist
I'm trying all of these. And also... "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!"
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Comedy is in a very tricky place right now.
There is so much to NOT laugh about in this world.
In truth, many of us have forgotten how to laugh.
And certain jokes that are told, make people afraid to laugh.
So what do we do?
We tell inappropriate jokes apparently.
Let's hear some...
Redditor CrewCreation wanted to hear some "risky" comedy. So they asked:
"What’s the best morbid joke you know?"
***WARNING: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS SENSITIVE MATERIAL. PROCEED WITH CAUTION!***
I can't think of anything hilarious at the moment. Make us LOL.
Lady
"I have this friend, love him to bits, but his wife has a tendency of just constantly showing everyone pictures of their son at every social event. At the start it was understandable, but now I'm just like 'Lady, it's been two years; they're not going to find him.'"
UnoriginalUse
at 9am...
"Not the most morbid but I love Anthony Jeselnik’s story about his neighbor who has Alzheimer’s. 'One of my next door neighbors is a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s. And every single morning at 9am he knocks on my door and asks me if I have seen his wife.'"
"'Which means that every single morning at 9am I have to explain to a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now I’ve thought about moving. I have thought about just not answering my door in the morning. But to be honest, it’s worth it… just to see the smile on his face.”
dreagan021
Comedy?
"Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is."
GW2RNGR
"Why can't orphans play tennis? They get confused when they hear love."
JayDub506
People who make comedy are evil. LOL.
The Darkness
"Dark humor is like food; not everyone gets it."
storm_the_castle
God Laughs?
"A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven, where she meets God. To break the tension she tells God a joke about the Holocaust, but God doesn’t laugh. The lady shrugs and says 'I guess you had to be there.'"
“'I guess you had to be there' is a common expression used when someone doesn’t laugh at a joke. It means that the comedy may not translate without the context of the situation."
"In this case the Holocaust survivor is saying it, meaning that during the Holocaust God was nowhere to be found. It’s not really a joke about the Holocaust, but the absurdity of belief in a benevolent God. Hilarious right?"
semimillennial
Oh Baby
"How many dead babies does it take to fix a light bulb? More than 3 cause my garage is still dark."
sirnibs3
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Because I don't know what it says about us as people if we laugh. Oye.
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