Arranged marriages are not something current day people understand but they still happen, and many people are totally cool with it. Culturally it's ALL up to what the individuals decide. However a lot of people like to share their thoughts on things they don't understand or approve of with or without being asked.
Redditor concernedhusband2821 had to tell his story on this topic... My [28M] friends/co-workers [20s M/F] are mocking my wife [22F] and our arranged marriage, not sure how to address or deal with this?
My wife and I have been married for close to a year now. She was born and raised in India her entire life, while I have been raised here in America since I was four years old. As you all saw in the title, this was an arranged marriage, and I met her around two weeks before the wedding. Despite not knowing each other for a longer period of time, we have grown very close and I care for her deeply.
My main group of friends, however, many whom I have known since college, have joked and made fun of our marriage, and my wife. For example, we were at a dinner party a couple months and my friends were talking about something. My wife then commented, but because she has a pretty pronounced Indian accent, she butchered a few words, and everyone laughed and began to impersonate and make fun of her. I could see how much this hurt her, and for the rest of the night she was silent and later on asked to leave early. This was the only time this occurred in front of her, but many times when I have gone out with my buddies they casually make fun of her accent, or her confusion when it comes to American traditions and customs, and every time I tell them enough, they say "I'm just joking man, chill out," or "Don't take it so seriously."
In addition, there have been a few times when I've gone out or talked with co-workers, and when they begin to talk about or complain about their relationships and I chime in, they basically ignore or make snide remarks regarding what I have to say. I specifically remember one time where a co worker said "What do you know about marriage? Yours is not even an actual marriage."
I suppose I'm asking for help on how to deal with these sorts of comments, as I'm sure more will come throughout my marriage. My wife is naturally just very shy, so I know she won't try and defend herself when stuff like this happens. She hasn't been able to make any friends since coming here, and refuses to come out with me because of my friends. I know she feels home sick at times, and I really want to help her come out of her shell because she's a wonderful person and her happiness is extremely important to me. So I suppose I have two questions, how can I deal with my friends and co workers? And how do I help my wife gain more confidence and come out of her shell?
Options...
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how can I deal with my friends and co workers?
Firmly but politely.
"I'm just joking man, chill out"
"You might be joking but I am not."
"Don't take it so seriously".
"That is my wife you are talking about and I am taking it seriously"
And how do I help my wife gain more confidence and come out of her shell?
Are there any interests your wife has and are there any clubs in your area that correspond to her interests? Are there indian communities in your area? Also, you might want to do a fun activity together, like dancing (assuming she likes to dance). Or go swimming or cycling together. Preferably something outdoorsy.
Start learning...
If she truly feels isolated by her accent, please think about hiring an experienced ESL tutor. I tutor an Iranian couple on accent and fluency 3x/week. I am able to identify their problem areas and do exercises to get them used to forming different sounds. One thing she should be doing is shadowing. Just Google ESL shadowing. You basically repeat a speech or conversation AS it is still being said, half a beat behind. This forces you to simply copy the sounds of the language instead of translating it into your own accent/cadence. It will help her to get muscle memory in place and speak more naturally.
More like enemies
The thing that pisses me off the most about your so-called "friends" is that when she ends up just joining Indian communities and clubs they'll be the first to say crap like "sick of foreigners coming to our country and then just not trying to fit in and only doing stuff in their own little communities" etc. Well of course she will be more inclined to do stuff with other Indians when you racists mock her and make her feel like shit and not welcome...
Class can be fun...
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Also, taking some college classes could really help here. Courses on sex and culture, for example, delve into these issues and teach crass American college students that there are many ways of being and being married. Basic cultural anthropology. Sociology classes - and some psychology classes.
Your friends sound incredibly self-centered and immature. So maybe reading Christopher Lasch's Culture of Narcissism together (a classic, really, don't need to finish it) would help her understand this particular subculture.
You need new friends - these ones are awful! My coworker was from India and she had an arranged marriage and it was one of the sweetest relationships I've seen. Choose friends that respect you, not hurt you.
Define "Friends"
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I have to agree your friends sound like a-holes. Have they never met or known anyone for whom English is a second language? Have they never travelled to a country they didn't know the language? I'm horrified they'd mock her accent.
If you want to remain friends with them, then you're going to have to shut down those comments.
"I was joking." Answer, "it's not a joke, it's very rude and hurtful."
"Your marriage isn't real." Answer, "that's a rude comment. Why would you say something like that?"
Your friends seem unable to accept cultures and customs different than their own.
Eye to eye...
So you need to be honest with them! Say "look, I know we've joked like this in the past, but you are hurting someone I care for very deeply and it is not acceptable. Either you change this behavior or we end our friendship."
If they don't comply, you need cut them out of your life. Your priority here is the family you are building with your wife. DO NOT stand for people doing anything to hurt her. I cannot believe you didn't stick up for her at that dinner when they were laughing at her.
They can learn...
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To piggyback on what some other commenters said about her speaking English as a second language, I would ask your friends to try learning hindi and see how stupid they sound. At least your wife is intelligent enough to even learn a second language! She is also stepping far outside of her comfort zone to make an effort to communicate with your friends, and they are making fun of her for that. They are literally shaming her for being a good wife. Point that out.
Center yourself
Your friends are acting like a-holes. Making fun of for being from India and your marriage is super crappy.
In the future, I wouldn't share with everyone that your marriage is an arranged marriage. In the current time, I would tell them that it's not acceptable and it's not funny. If they don't, I would stop hanging out with them. They don't respect you, they're xenophobic...
As for your wife, are there any Indian community centers or temples near by? I used to take classical Indian dance- there were a lot of Indian adults in the class (I was the only non-Indian) so that might be a good fit for her.
Time for new friends...
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Oh my gosh, these are not your friends.
My lab partner in grad school was Indian. Great guy. He got lonely so he went home on break and came back with a wife. It was a strange and new concept to all of us white people, so we we asked some respectful and curious questions. When we learned that she hadn't left the apartment in the week she had been there, we threw a casual party to welcome her. We all became great friends. She often brought food to all of us when we were in the lab late at night. They have been married ten years, and have one of the best relationships I have ever seen. I always puts her needs first and always respects her (and her him). That is what I admire the most. Your wife needs your respect, which means standing up for her. I imagine she must be feeling very lonely and or isolated. show her that you are in her corner.
The old wives' tales.
They are the stories of legend.
I think we all need a big DEEP Google dive though.
Where did they originate?
WHO ARE THE OLD WIVES!
You don't hear about them as much anymore.
It's like science and logic are suddenly a thing.
But they sure are a good way to keep your kids and their behavior in line.
Redditor the_spring_goddess wanted to discuss the tall tales we've all been fed through life, so they asked:
"What is an old wives tale that people still believe?"
"Wait an hour to swim after eating."
What a crock!
So many summer hours wasted.
I want revenge for that one.
Say Nothing
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"An undercover cop has to tell you he's a cop if you ask him."
LonelyMail5115
"Pretty much most advice when it comes to cops are old wives tales. I’m not even a cop but most of the advice you hear is pretty off."
I_AM_AN_A**HOLE_AMA
Say Something
"That you have to wait 24 hours to report someone missing."
Severe_Airport1426
"I really think this one is important and should be the top regardless. As it’s a piece of advice that needs to be relearned and the only way to do that is through awareness."
crappycurtains
"This used to be true. I think they changed it after some guy named Brandon went missing back in the '80s or '70s. You used to have to wait 24 hours if the missing person was an adult because they had 'a right to be missing' and then everyone realized that was stupid and stopped doing it."
AlbinoShavedGorilla
Body Temps
"That drinking ice cold water after eating oily foods will solidify the oil and permanently remain in your body. I informed my coworker that if your body temperature ever reached that point, you’d have bigger problems than weight gain."
chriseo22
"Oh, I have a cousin who 100% believed this. One of those guys who believed every early 2000s internet rumor and old wives tale. One night I chugged a big glass of ice water after dinner and he started freaking out and saying my guts were gonna harden."
"I sarcastically told him to drive me to the hospital if that happened. Obviously, nothing happened and the next morning I said something like 'Thanks for being on standby in case my guts filled with hardened oil.' He just walked off muttering under his breath."
apocalypticradish
Arms Down
"When I was pregnant, I was told by young and old alike that I should NOT raise my arms above my head or exert myself in such a manner because it could cause cord strangulation to my unborn sons and daughters."
Fatmouse84
10 Years Actually
Unimpressed Uh Huh GIF by Brooklyn Nine-Nine
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"Chewing gum stays in your stomach for 7 years."
"I remember accidentally swallowing a piece of gum when I was a kid in like 1995 and just accepting my fate like welp, gonna have this in my stomach til high school I guess."
Gecko-911
I was so afraid to sallow my gum when I was young.
This tale is haunting.
High/Low
Hungry Debra Messing GIF by Will & Grace
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"You can tell the sex of the baby by how you carry."
LeastFormal9366
"Pregnancy certainly wins awards for the most old wives tales. So much absolute BS was repeated to us by everyone we talked to."
IllIIIlIllIlIIlIllI
The Cursed
"If you’re a woman and you wear opal jewelry but opal is not your birthstone (October), you’ll never be able to have children, or will be widowed, or just generally have bad luck or something. You can counteract this by having a diamond in the same piece of jewelry as the opal, though."
"I have a nice opal ring that my parents gave me years ago, and I’ve had other women give me this 'advice' unprompted more than once when I’ve worn it. I have absolutely no idea where it started, but I’m pretty sure this little chunk of silicate rock has no concept of what month I was born in, let alone of how my reproductive organs work."
SmoreOfBabylon
Stay In
"Going outside with wet hair will make you get pneumonia. Or an earache. Or maybe arthritis. Depends on which old wife you listen to."
"Jokes on them - I haven't blow-dried my hair in decades and usually leave the house with wet hair in the morning. On winter mornings, the tips of my hair get frozen. No ear infections or pneumonia or arthritis yet."
worldbound0514
Dreams and Facts
"You never make anyone up in your dreams you've seen everyone in your dreams somewhere else before and never make anyone up entirely."
"How would you possibly prove that to be true? My partner adamantly believes this and tells me this 'fact' whenever I have a dream about someone I've never met before."
mattshonestreddit
"My late wife used to tell me that before she met me she would have dreams of standing at an alter on her wedding day but could never see the guy's face, no matter how hard she tried. After meeting me the face was filled in with mine. Don't know if it's true but one of those things I like thinking of every now and then when I miss her."
Darthdemented
Cracked
Getting Ready Episode 2 GIF by The Office
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"Some people still believe cracking knuckles causes arthritis."
Choice-Grapefruit-44
"There's a doctor (Donald Unger) that cracked his knuckles a couple of times a day for 60 years, but only on one hand, just to prove it. Both hands remained exactly the same."
MacyTmcterry
I love my knuckles.
Do you have any tall tales to add to the list? Let us know in the comments below.
Every now and then, a friend of ours might say something, or we might overhear a complete stranger say something that makes us stop in our tracks.
More often than not, what we can't believe we just heard is something so ridiculous, we can't help but put the person who said it in their place.
Other times, however, what we just heard might have stunned us silent because of how shockingly clever it was.
Resulting in our not wanting to scold or yell at someone, but rather give them a handshake.
Redditor SubmergingOriginal was curious to hear the sharpest and wittiest things they've ever heard, from friends and strangers alike, leading them to ask:
"Enough with the dumbest; what is the wittiest thing you've ever heard someone say?"
Don't Give Me So Much Credit...
'I was on a team at work that was on a project working insane overtime."
"One night after an 80-90 hour week, we were all sitting around the table trying to finish up so we could go home."
"Around 11, my buddy's wife called, dubious about the hours he'd been keeping."
"We heard her through the line - 'are you cheating on me?'"
"Exasperated, he looked at our boss, then replied 'honey, if I was cheating on you, I would have been home by now'."- lionbatcher
Eternal Optimism...
"Asked a blind guy if he'd been blind his whole life."
"He said 'Not yet'."- Feeling_Mode_6465
Free time Isn't The Only Thing He Has On His Hands...
"My brother got a vasectomy and when the doctor was releasing him and giving him instructions (with the nurse listening in), one of the orders was to 'come back and have a follow-up appointment after you’ve ejaculated 30 times'.”
"Without missing a beat my brother asked 'what time do you open tomorrow?'”
"The nurse couldn’t keep it together after hearing that."- UtahUtopia
Awkward Season 8 GIF by The Office
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Double Whammy!
"My pal uses the phrase 'he doesn’t look strong enough to carry information' and it cracks me up every time."
"Calling someone stupid and weak in one fell swoop."- JennyW93
Can't Hide Your DNA...
'Whenever I jokingly insult my mum, she says 'that must be where you get it from'."
"She cracked the code."
"I can never offend her without offending myself."- JennyW93
Self-Sufficient!
"My brother was a line cook at a New Orleans restaurant."
"My mom was in town, staying at a fancy hotel, and he stopped by after work, still wearing his kitchen whites."
"He was reading a newspaper in the lobby waiting for her to come down when the shocked lobby manager sputtered at him, 'MAY I HELP YOU!?!?'
"He answered, 'thanks, but I know how to read',” and went back to his paper."- jobrody
Morph Current Affairs GIF by Aardman Animations
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A Miracle!
"My brother-in-law’s comment."
"The entire family went out for my mother’s 80th birthday and after the meal we all went to a local park, largely occupied by the elderly, to rest."
"My mother needed crutches at this point, and they were resting against her bench."
"My 10-year-old niece, who looked like every starving waif image from Dickens, grabbed the crutches and started hobbling round the park."
"All the OAPs were following her progress with looks of pity until my brother ran up behind her, and kicked away the crutches."
"There was an audible gasp from round the park and then my niece picked the crutches back up and started chasing my brother, clearly intending to hit him."
"In the confused silence my brother-in-law’s voice rang out 'Praise be! She can walk again!'"
"We still think this was the highlight of the birthday celebrations."- DdraigGwyn
Still Legal, Whichever Way You Cut It...
"I picked up my pleasantly tipsy boyfriend from a nightclub."
"We were stopped by the Police for a random breath test."
"They asked me my age, and I said, 33."
"My bf blurted out '33? You told me you were 22'."
"Police just laughed and let me go."- Aggravating-Corgi379
Music Video Police GIF by Andrew W. K.
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A Bit Too On The Nose?
"Business law class in college years ago, talking about the issues that black Americans had before the Civil Rights."
"Amendment, trying to travel through the south with the discrimination so rampant, trying to find restaurants to serve them and decent lodgings."
"My instructor was posing a hypothetical: 'So you pull up out front of this place, you're exhausted from driving for hours, and you see the sign out front says 'Ku Klux Klan Motel'."
"'What would you expect to find there?'"
"Without missing a beat, from the back of the room came this gem: "'Extra sheets in every room?'"- NedsAtomicDB
Not Yet, Anyway...
"I was working with my friend and his dad."
"My friend (26) heard an ice cream truck near where we were working."
"He asked his dad if he could have a couple dollars."
"His dad asked, 'what for?'"
"My friend told his dad that there was an ice cream truck in the neighborhood, and that they were playing music."
"My friends dad told him "'They don't charge anything to listen to the music'."- tatersalad1234567890
Words Escape You In The Literal "Heat" Of The Moment...
"A friend of mine is a teacher and her husband is known for his wit."
"She told this story to him:"
"One day at school a kid took the hall pass and returned reeking like smoke."
"She asked the kid if he’d been smoking and he denied it over and over."
"She was about to send him to the office when she noticed smoke coming from somewhere."
"She told the kid and he realized that he didn’t put his cig out completely and it was burning in his pants pocket."
"The kid noticed and frantically tried to put it out and someone finally poured water on it."
"Her husband sat listening to this with a weird look on his face."
"She asked him what was wrong."
“'What’s wrong???'"
"'This was probably the only chance you’ll have in your life to say literally, ‘liar,liar, pants on fire’ and you missed your chance'."- Luder714
On Fire No GIF by PEEKASSO
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Amazing What You Might Say A Few Drinks In...
"When I went to a renaissance faire once, I went to a beer tent and ordered a Newcastle Brown Ale (seemed the most fitting for the surroundings)."
"The beer wench, without skipping a beat, said, 'Everyone wants a Newcastle - no one wants to remodel!'"- jayhof52
Read The Room People!
"My dad wiped out when skiing down a mountain and lost a ski."
"After a few minutes of hunting for it, he gives up, slings the one remaining ski over a shoulder and starts walking down the mountain in his ski boots."
"About half-way down, another skier stops and goes 'Gee! Did you lose a ski?'"
"My dad instantly replied 'No, I was out for a walk and found one!'"- PeterJoAl
There's a reason your mother always told you to "use your words".
As clever remarks can have a much more lasting effect on people than a push or shove.