"Faster"
I've been in love a handful of times. And each time I fell, I fell fast and hard. And after each fallout I swore... SWORE... that next time, I'd take it slow and have a checklist to go through before an "I Love You." Cut to me falling faster each time that follows. Oh well. My heart is a mess. But, love has worked out for plenty of other people.
The Irritated
Come On Reaction GIFGiphyI first met my wife when we were dating other people roughly, 11 years ago. She found me annoying. I knew it was meant to be when she confessed this a few years later.
Getting Oriented
Met my wife the first day of orientation week in college. Both of us were in long-term (multi-year) relationships already.
Less than 3 hours later, I went back to my dorm room and told my roommate, "That's the girl I'm going to marry."
Took over a year to start dating, but we've been together ever since (nearly a quarter century later).
She's the other half of me I didn't realize was missing until we met.
DAMN I love that woman...
I'm going to call her now to tell her!
It's Easy
I know this sounds early, but like, a week. I feel exactly the same now as I did about her then. I knew it then and obviously I was right.
Same.
Husband and I stopped dating on date 3. It was too much effort and we were far too comfortable with each other.
You hear about "clicking" but you never think how easy it can be. You find someone that fits perfectly with you.
A Quick 6...
married single ladies GIFGiphyWe dated for about 6 months before I started thinking about proposing, but we were together for almost a year before I finally popped the question. We were juniors in college and got married before we graduated. We've been married for 40 years.
4 Years!
My (now) wife and started talking about marriage pretty early on. I don't have a specific timeframe, but I'd say within the first few months. At that point it wasn't super serious and nothing planned out. Just like, "oh, when we get married I want to have XYZ at the wedding", or "when we have kids let's do XYZ". That kinda thing.
We knew it was going to be a while before that happened, though. She was in her final year of college when we started dating, and I was only just starting my career. We both had things we wanted to do before marriage.
Mostly she wanted to live in a place on her own, without roommates or anyone else supporting her, for a year just to prove to herself she was actually able to fully support herself. I wanted us to live together, just the two of us, for a year just to know that we were really able to cohabitate well.
So I didn't propose until about 4 years after we started dating, but we pretty much knew at the start.
"The Strike"
See that? Love is like a venomous snake that strikes silently and without warning. Once the poison is in you, it's over. So all you can do is succumb. Oh, that's a gloomy analogy. Whatever, y'all know what I mean. And so do a long list of lovers with a movie worthy tale to tell. Read on...
Happy New Year!!
20 years ago we met in December for lunch after being set up by friends. Talked on the phone for a couple of weeks, went out for New Years. We moved in together a couple of weeks later, middle of January. Married on February 24th, 10 weeks after meeting. Somewhere in the first couple of weeks we just kind of decided to get married.
Best casual decision I've ever made.
Bling Discussion
After dating for like three months he asked me what kind of engagement ring I wanted and proceeded to show me his favorites. It was so sweet and I realized there's no way in hell I could marry another man.
with the seasons...
just married love GIFGiphyWe met in June, were in engaged by October, and married by the following July. That was 17 years ago.
Daddy Knows
I learned that he can defuse my dad's political rants without my dad catching on to what he's doing. It's very sly. Forget romance, that's a necessary survival skill and I needed him on my team.
Edit: diffuse vs. defuse...
Also it was one of many reasons, but my dad is legendary among my family as the man you don't want to introduce your SO to before they're nailed down. He's a wonderful person and dad but he is kind of a crap-head. My husband gets along with him effortlessly. When you marry someone, you also marry their family. It's important that you're able to maintain peace.
Smells like Love
A week or two after we started dating she met my parents and farted in front of them.
I Know You
I had known this person by acquaintance since 2014. Asked me out in March 2017 - said no for 4 months. In September 2017 dated. In December 2017 he proposed, and in January 2018 I said yes.
TLDR - 4 months after 1st date, but knew him for a few years before dating.
Listen to your heart, that's not just a great song from the 80s/90s rock band Roxette. (Love them) It's also a mantra we should all embrace more. Just try to embrace it with your brain attached. Pay attention to red flags but don't ignore Cupid's arrow when you feel the sting. Life is too short. But take your time before you share you're bank account information.
Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
I've seen so many relationships go up in flames because of philandering. And the saddest part is, it all could've been avoided. Everyone else can see when it's not working, why are we so blind when we're the willing participants? I will admit, I have cheated more than once and I finally had to realize that I was never being fulfilled personally. And that was on me to fix. Some of the people on this chain feel that pain.
Bad Moment
immediate regret. Issues with commitment, self esteem issues, etc. (They're probably cheating too, what if we break up and never find anyone, what if this persons actually "the one")
Obviously, load of horsecrap looking back at it, and I hurt a few people. Terrible terrible decision.
I get so Emotional...
I'd say I emotionally cheated on my ex. Mostly what was going through my mind was "Crap, I think I'm falling in love with someone else. Crap. What do I do? Crap."
I'd say that's really only a problem if you don't break it off.
You're not required to stay in love, just to treat your partner with respect while you're in a relationship (and, ideally, after as well).
The problem is when you're in love with one person, and infatuated with another. That is rough, because obviously you still love the first person... But infatuation is the new-car-smell part of a relationship, and even when you know it's short-lived, it's still very seductive.
The Home Wrecker
I was in one of the best relationships with a childhood friend, if you know, those are the best ones. We were both in our mid twenties and my brother was murdered, in front of me. It was insanely traumatic and it messed me up.
I fell into a deep pit where I would do anything to feel.. anything. My ex reached out to me and wanted to have sex, she is a straight up home wrecker and gets off on it.
I fell for it and didn't even question the decision. It didn't even feel like a decision, I was so messed up I was like a jellyfish in the waves just getting taken anywhere. But now I know it was a decision, and the worst one I've ever made.
WTF?!!?!!
Despicable Me Reaction GIFGiphyI didn't cheat but my ex gf did. She preferred my brother rather than me because he was good-looking. They're married now. I know it cuz my brother invited me to his wedding to be his best man. Forget that!!
"This person desires me."
I thought "This person desires me."
I think it's honestly that simple for most people who cheat. Sure many people cheat just because they want to have sex, but I think the core reason for most people cheating is they simply don't feel desired by their significant other.
Like the start of any relationship people become interested in each other and the key feeling people experience is that wonderful feeling of being desired by another person. It makes you feel good looking, smart, strong. Knowing that this person wants to be with me is one of the best feelings in the world.
After a while that wears off in many cases. Eventually you take the other person for granted and they take you for granted. When that happens and your SO stops making you feel desired, you might start looking for that elsewhere. So even though you are in love with your SO and have a great relationship, they probably don't act like they want to be with you like they did in the beginning. Life becomes the same old same old.
Then someone else notices you and starts paying attention to you, giving you that sense of being desired again. You start seeing what you have been missing in the eyes of someone else.
I know that's what it was like for me many many years ago. I stopped feeling desired and when someone else showed that desire towards me, I foolishly followed it.
I have been happily married and 100% faithful for a long time to an amazing woman. I never fail to make sure she knows how much I desire her. Not because I don't want her to cheat, I trust her. I do it because I don't want her to ever feel like she isn't desired, that I take her for granted. And she makes me feel the same, every day.
Oof, that is a whole bunch of mess to process and fix. First... clearly some humans are just trash and beyond repair. I pray that a lot of you realize that in the end, they did you a favor and you dodged a bullet. Heck, a hailstorm of bullets. Next time, just go in with your eyes wide open. Maybe some other people fared better...
Insecure
I cheated because I was insecure and liked the validation that I got. It was a terrible ego-based decision that ended up hurting my partner terribly and making me feel even worse about myself. I have since quit drinking and worked on building self-esteem that is not dependent on my sexual attractiveness to the opposite sex.
When in HS
I was just out of high school and learning about relationships and sex. I went on a vacation and had an opportunity to have sex for the third time in my life with no way of my gf finding out, so I did it. I felt bad the whole time. When I came back, I broke up with her the next time I saw her. Cheating is certainly something I'll only do once. Still wish I'd never done it.
Hindsight
Oh I Get It Britney Spears GIFGiphyGuilt, disgust and self loathing. Looking back I know I was in a toxic relationship and should have left him but cheating on him felt like a chunk of my soul was ripped out. Not worth it and will never do again.
Leave the Poison...
A friend of mine cheated because he was being physically and mentally abused by his girlfriend. He found someone who was patient, kind, and gentle with him that he just fell deep and cheated. Said he never knew someone could be this way with him. He did his ex a service and admitted everything and broke up with her, even though she already knew some way or another. Lots of fights, but he never touched her. He came out with a bloody lip and a black eye. He is now with the new girl and they've been together for 5 years, happy and planning on marrying.
She is Trash...
girl bye no GIFGiphyA friend of mine cheated on her long distance boyfriend for months, with a super attractive guy at our university. When the bf finally came to visit, everyone had to pretend they didn't know about the cheating, but we ALL did.
The bf found out eventually, of course. He texted me "is she cheating on me with this dude?" And I said "no comment" which was enough.
The crazy thing is that she TRULY believed she did nothing wrong. She told everyone that it didn't count because her boyfriend was her first love and that would never change, blah blah. Horrible to not have a shred of remorse.
Combinations...
Combine low self esteem with an alcohol problem, and an honest belief that everyone would cheat given opportunity. I thought cheating was just a way to prove "you can't hurt me." I'm ashamed of the people I've hurt in my life. I still haven't figured it all out yet, but I'm working with my therapist to become a better person.
At 18 (f) I started working in an industry dominated by men and the number of guys that tried to pick me up was astronomical.
Didn't seem to matter if they were married or not, or old enough to be my father. It really screwed with my trust in people, especially men. I honestly believed that everyone would cheat and some people were just sneakier. So if my partner was going to cheat I might as well too. I realized way too late that if everyone I hung around with was willing to cheat it meant I was hanging around the wrong people.
Stay Calm
Pray Good Vibes GIF by Ryn DeanGiphyMy ex and i had troubles regarding my usage of a certain substance to calm your mind. at one point i was in a club with my then best friend (who also had a gf) and we both started dancing with these chicks.
the one i was dancing with took my hand and took me to the toilet to do whatever. i refused to even kiss her in that stall and left. i didn't tell her but it was on my mind all the time. i cheated on my ex 1 week later with 3 different girls when i was drunk and thought it'd be over anyways. when i woke up the next morning i remembered and it felt like a movie to me. had to break the news to her. never again.
Enjoy!
Nothing. Maybe a sociopath answer but legitimately nothing. It wasn't this over arching fear like oooh I better stop or else, it was legitimately not thinking of anyone or anything else just, "I want to enjoy the moment" I mean as far as sex. Emotionally becoming invested in someone is a slow burn with a quick pop.
You don't realize how far you've strayed until it's too late. You're having fun, you're just enjoying conversations and talking and then the next thing you know you realize it's not with your significant other but with this other person.
The self realization is the killer.
Tit for Tat
I cheated on him because he cheated on me first. We had not broken up yet, but as far as i was concerned it was over. I wanted to cheat just to show him that he was vulnerable to being cheated on, regardless of how big his ego was. He thought he could do what he want while no one would ever dare do the same to him.
She Trash
My soon to be ex cheated on me with the next door neighbor and subsequently ran off with him. She threw me away like a piece of trash (16 yrs together and 2 kids). I'm not angry (sarcasm). Anyway, I asked her "I understand the emotional feelings snuck up on you, but the first time you had physical contact, why didn't you stop and say, hey, this is not right?"
Her answer: "because it was fun."
And that, boys and girls, is why she's my soon-to-be-ex.
On a side note, I was thinking today that I feel sorry for her. Once a cheater always a cheater. They can never have a 100% trusting relationship because they both know that if things get tough the other person is perfectly capable of cheating on them. There will always be that tiny doubt in the back of their minds. Not a good foundation to build a relationship.
Excuses
no excuses GIF by Meghan TrainorGiphyAlcohol and horniness also i was and probably still am a bad person
Oh and opportunity.
Years Later
My best friend cheated on his fiancee and when I asked him this same question, he told me that he was unhappy. He still didn't leave her and I know there's a lot of guilt there but, 2 years later, they are still together, not married, and have a kid.
Stay Quiet
I thought we had a "don't ask, don't tell" policy because we hadn't had sex with each other in years.
Turns out I was the only one who thought that.
The words seem absurd as I type them now. Who would have that deal without discussing it?
(Now I am in an open relationship, which is much more my style).
Physical
It was the least bad thing I could do.
My wife was completely dependent on me, but she was also a completely neglectful spouse. I tried all of the right ways to address the situation: books, therapist, good communication. I tried for years and years. She just had zero interest in my sexual needs but was utterly incapable of sustaining herself in any way if I left her and had no interest in changing that.
So I reached out for some physical comfort, knowing full well how wrong and bad it was. I never tried to justify it and say it was a good thing. I know I'm a crap human being and I don't know if I can live with myself if she found out because of the pain it would cause.
Cycle Back
i know this isn't even the question but my ex literally cheated on me with my best friend and ironically he got cheated on with his best friend before so that was something.
Love can be a poison. So we need to be drinking more water. Moral of the story: If you're going to cheat... be decent and tell your partner it's not working. And that it's YOU, not them.
Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
Here are a few examples, courtesy of Reddit.
U/Frozly asked: What are common mistakes people make in a relationship?
Some things may seem ridiculously obvious to a single person, but once you’re in the thick of it, it becomes a little harder to catch.
Disagreements happen. It’s better to face them head-on.
Trying too hard to avoid potential arguments to avoid conflict rather than hashing it out before the issue becomes too big to handle.
This I believe is the most important. At first, I was afraid to say things sometimes because I was so afraid that she might not see me the same or something. She was doing the same.
We both learned that love is love no matter what and any disagreements we can talk about and we may feel sad or hurt or upset but we never yell at each other, we simply talk it through and if it's something we both disagree on, we compromise. We have both had our small moody feelings but we always talk things through and so long as we stay true to each other I believe it will last forever.
I learned that when two people love each other so much, they will work together and be devoted to each other no matter what. And we have a strong relationship that I believe will last forever.
Never ignore your problems!
GIF by In The Heights MovieGiphyThe most common mistakes that couples make are not actively listening to one another, taking their partner for granted, and pushing aside problems because they don't want to cause an argument.
Also talk about what's bothering each other.
You got to work together to solve issues that come up, you can't just ignore them. That's how people end up leaving or cheating.
Communication is key!
Not being able to communicate. You need to be able to voice when you are hurt without them taking it as an attack. You need to be able to hear your partner.
100% agree. Although I do think it's important to encourage learning how to communicate. Many adults just simply don't know how to do this and I do believe it's a learnable skill.
Should you waste your life with a partner who has no interest in self development and learning to communicate? Probably not. Should you discuss this with your SO who has poor communication skills and create a plan to work together and improve communication? Yes!
People go into relationships thinking love is a certain way. But almost always, it’s the exact opposite of what you expect. It’s not like the movies, babies.
Married life in a nutshell.
That love is a feeling. You can "fall" in love with someone but it's more of a choice to be deeply connected with this one person. Over time you constantly choose to love them through the good and the bad. If you base your entire relationship on how love is a feeling, you're most likely going to "fall out of love" with them.
DON’T do this.
will ferrell elf GIFGiphyLabeling your partner the source of all your happiness and joy.
100% this. I know the phrase "how can you be happy with someone else if you're not happy alone" has become hated because some people feel like it's saying "people with depression should never be in a relationship" but it's not really about that. As someone who has been put in the position of "someone's entire happiness and joy" it is extremely stressful. Because the flipside ends up being "I'm unhappy - how can my partner fix it??" even if it's not a conscious or intentional thing.
All of this.
Getting into a relationship too fast and not getting out of the relationship fast enough (especially prior to marriage).
When you're not in an official relationship with someone yet, it's pretty easy to walk away if you see problems. But once you're officially in a relationship with someone, you're more invested in them, and you're less likely to walk away when you see problems. So it's important to spend significant time getting to know someone before you start doing things that make you feel more reluctant to walk away (whether that be kissing them, calling them your boyfriend or girlfriend, or whatever), so that you will filter out more of the bad potential partners before they become actual partners and waste more of your time causing you more pain.
Once you're already in the relationship, it's important to communicate - to express your needs clearly and assess your partner's needs with empathy and care. And if you've expressed your needs clearly but your partner still does not meet them, then it's important to end the relationship. Hanging around hoping something will suddenly change somehow is wasting your time and also wasting your partner's time. It's a kindness to both of you if you just explain that since your needs still have not been met, you're leaving now.
There are at least three basic stages of a relationship. The first stage is when it's not officially a relationship yet. Use this stage to filter out as many bad partners as you can before you get too invested. Think of as many relationship pitfalls as you can, and ask questions to try to determine in advance whether each potential partner is likely to be able to overcome them with you or not.
The second stage is when you're boyfriends/girlfriends/etc. but not married yet. At this point you've progressed from asking questions and getting to know one another to actually trying to be one another's primary supports in meeting the daily challenges of everyday life together.
The biggest question to keep in mind at this point is, "Does this person make my life better, and do I make theirs better?" Does this person help you solve problems, relieve some of your burdens, introduce you to new and interesting ideas, listen and make you feel understood, relate and make you feel less alone - and do you do the same for them? Are you happier when they're around, or does being around them exhaust you - and do you think they're happier or more exhausted when you're around? If you were suddenly sick or injured in some new way and you needed help, could you rely on them to take care of you to about the same degree that you would take care of them? When you need something from them or they need something from you, can you each typically get what you need from each other, or does the conversation become strained or awkward because one of you is less able or less willing to meet the other's needs?
In this stage, the possibility should never be far from your mind that maybe this person might turn out to just not be the right person for you to be with at all - because if you find that you're not making each other's lives better, and some conversations about how to try to fix that don't seem to be actually fixing it, then the best thing for both of you is to end the relationship as soon as possible so you can both avoid wasting any more of your time with each other.
The third stage is when you're married. At this point you should already have become very confident that you're both basically reasonable people because you should already have demonstrated considerable ability to get along well and help one another surmount problems in the past. '
So, when life continues to present new challenges, you should have some confidence that even if those challenges do lead to some arguments, those arguments are not reason to doubt whether your spouse is a basically reasonable person or not. You should already be convinced that they are a basically reasonable person. You should already have a substantial history with them that proves you are compatible in a wide variety of ways. So even if the two of you change over time in ways that alter your compatibility somewhat, there should still be enough common ground left that it generally behooves you to work through the problems.
During this stage, even if interacting with your spouse does currently make you feel more exhausted and less happy, your spouse still deserves credit for having made you happier and less exhausted in previous years. As long as your spouse isn't physically, verbally, or financially abusing you they should be allowed plenty of leeway to borrow against that credit. People with a history of being really good for you have a right to go through hard times and be depressed and need your support. They supported you, so you should support them too.
And if you're both going through separate hard times at the same time, so you need their support but you're not getting it? Try to be as forgiving as you can, because hopefully you wouldn't have married them if they weren't a basically good person who has proven that they can and do support you quite a lot most of the time. Maybe they just need space to fail for a little while, and then they can get back on track. But also, do express your own needs - gently but clearly - so they know what's going on with you and can make the best effort they can at the moment. Don't expect them to read your mind.
Big mistake.
Assuming your partner should know what you want if they love you. I struggled early in our marriage because the women in my wife's family are big on this. We worked on it and it took a bit, but we got to the point where we would only hold each other accountable to expressed words and thoughts. It has made all the difference in the world and 27 years of marriage have been mostly happy. Also, comparisons. Never say "Well my last SO did this" or " My family always did it another way". Good way to alienate a partner.
For the love of God, never be petty in your relationship. The two (or more) of you are stronger than that, so just don’t do it!
It will NEVER be even.
Shade Reaction GIF by BounceGiphyKeeping score.
"I did the dishes three times two weeks ago, you only did them once last week."
"You got a new video game this month, why didn't I get something?"
Etc
It's never going to be completely even, things ebb and flow. Both side should feel like they're getting a fair shake overall but if you keep track of every little thing (even if it's just in your head, I don't necessarily mean like an actual list) it's just going to guarantee that somebody is always "losing". It's not a competition.
Love’s not a game.
Treating dating as a game you're supposed to win instead of playing just for fun of it.
Or even worse, treating any communication as something you're supposed to win, instead of using it to find a solution to a problem.
Such good advice.
I've always heard "Don't go to bed angry". Don't take that advice. Most times, you're both tired and it's late. Sleep on it and continue the conversation the next day.
Don't keep score.
Accept/admit when you've screwed up and move on.
As a married woman, all of the advice presented in this thread are gold. My own advice would be to never suppress feelings for the sake of your partner. Being 100% honest with your partner will encourage them to be open with you as well, and you'll be able to resolve arguments way easier.
That's relationships for you. This isn't a Disney movie--this is real life. And snags are going to happen from time to time. But the way you and your partner(s) handle it is entirely indicative of how your relationship operates