Fast And Merciless

A friend in highschool on our way to a track meet. He was staring at a car in the parking that was really nice. When this dbag saw him.

Dbag: "why bothering looking at that when you know you'll never be able to get one?"

My friend: "the same reason you watch porn"

The entire bus erupted and it's still one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

RedIguanaLeader

Ouch, Man

A dude in my class called out a semi friend of mine, that people are talking behind his back. In fact, that wasn't the case, as far as I know, and that guy said: "Well you know what the say about you? Nothing, nobody f**king cares."

ItsTime4you2go

Congrats On Being A Big Kid

Overheard by me, the school bus driver, one fifth grade student was belittling a first grader. When it was time for a comeback, first grader shouts out, "Congratulations!"

The bewildered fifth grader had nothing to say and went to sit down with her friends in the back of the bus.

emzirek

Sick Burnz Yo

Many, many years ago, when we were about 18, a friend of mine was arguing with another person we knew. This person was trying to be a bad@ss and intimidate my buddy.

He says"my feet are registered".

Without missing a beat my friend replies "Where? Health & Sanitation?". Forty years later I still crack up at this when it comes to mind.

seahawk2020

Explosion Of Laughter

English class in Middle School

Kid A - "yo, Kid B, your mama waited on me at McDonalds last night. Must feel like crap having a mom that works at McDonalds"

Kid B- " at least MY mom gets out of bed to go to work"

English teacher far louder than he realized "DAYUM!"

The rest of us were laughing so hard, the teacher next door popped her head in to see what was going on...

Nutella_Zamboni

Victorians Were Ridiculous

18th Century British radical politician John Wilkes was told in parliament by a political opponent "Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox".

Wilkes shot back with "That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your lordship's principles or your mistress."

Iamstillnotyourmate

Measuring Contest

On a construction site one afternoon, different trades were working in the same area. Like silly team sports, the sparkies always hang with the sparkies and the turd wranglers always hang with the turd wranglers and anytime they're together it turns into a pointless dick-measuring contest (usually not literally)!

One particularly childish exchange saw two men chopping back and forth- my unti biggest, blah blah blah. Finally one of em spits out this classic:

"I've got girth like a can of corn!"

And the clap back was unforgettable:

"But you've got length like a can of tuna!"

Everyone busted up. Mister girth tried to hide his embarrassment, but was tied-up. No come-back. And a room of men laughing uncontrollably.

Good times...

heathenbeast

Insult Queens And Kings

Chelsea Handler told Russell Brand: "the way you are looking at me makes me wants to cover my vajayjay."

He replied "Ma'am if I had a rubber glove, I'd do it for you."

Crowd burst into laughter and she even acknowledged "that was good"

FoggyTaintForest

City-State Of Sick Throwdowns

Not heard, but read. Easily the Spartans reply to Philip II of Macedon:

"As Philip II of Macedon was conquering Greek city-states left and right, Sparta was left alone. Philip had achieved a crushing victory, and Sparta was relatively weak and without walls."

"Philip sent a message to the Spartans saying 'If I invade Lakonia you will be destroyed, never to rise again.'"

"The Spartans replied with one word, 'If.'"

JuiceBox1

This Is Why They're Neutral

During WW1, Switzerland had a tiny standing army, but they were very skilled marksmen. Wilhelm II of Germany asked what 250k Swiss troops would do if he decided to invade with 500k German troops.

The Swiss said, "Shoot twice and go home."

vmac2531

Double Double

Saw a clip of a standup comedian the other day, and he says something along the lines of "the first time I had sex it was terrible... the first time I had sex..." and a woman chimes in with "you mean yesterday? " crowd laughs for a while, and while the comedian is waiting for them to calm down you can see the gears turn in his head, once it gets down to basically a few chuckles, he just says "Glad you remember " and the crowd just lost their shit, it was amazing

JacenCaedus1

Savage Granny

My grandma asked my cousin, who'd had lots of partners and 2 kids at this point, if she was ever going to get married.

Cousin: It's not the same nowadays. We don't buy cars without test driving them first.

Grandma: Yeah. But they don't let you put a hundred thousand miles on them either.

Point goes to Granny.

IDKHow2UseThisApp

A Bully Shut Down For Good

I can't remember the best one I've heard, but I can remember the best comeback I ever did. It is also, in fact, the only good comeback I ever did. I was in 7th grade, and we were in the locker room after gym. People were discussing shoe sizes because this one kid had enormous feet. I don't know if I have small feet, but mine were the smallest. They said, "Small feet, you know what that means!" I didn't mind too much, but one kid crossed the line. He said, "Don't worry, fella, there's like 10 different ways to make it bigger." So I said, "Have you tried all 10?"

Not very impressive, but it shut him up.

Disfellagotnoname

The Toilet's Jealous

I work at a hotel. A few years ago this guest got into a spat with our security officer over something, but she wasn't getting whatever she wanted so she told him he was full of s**t

Our security officer replied immediately, "no I'm not, I took care of that this morning. But thank you for your concern for my good health and regularity." At this time I was about to bust up laughing so I had to excuse myself to the back office, and as I was leaving I heard him continuing on with this lady, deadpan, "but I promise I eat a healthy diet full of fiber. It warms my heart to know you're concerned with me having regular bowel movements. So the next time I'm constipated I know you're thinking of me," It continued on and on, and all the more he's playing this deadpan and it's making the lady madder and madder, and I'm in the back laughing so hard I'm nearly crying.

After that spiel was over though she didn't give us anymore problems the rest of the night.

llcucf80

Unprecedented Moments Of Genius

He was walking out of English I was walking in. We met at the door way and were chest to chest. And he looks me in the eye and says

"Grow some t*ts"

Without missing a beat i reply dead faced "Donate yours"

Then proceed to proudly walk to my desk with a big smile.

Also I did eventually grow some boobs. They are small but they are nice.

Jaci_D

The Gays Will Not Stand

It was a exchange between 2 co-workers a few years back, basically a slut shaming gone wrong. Person A had only ever slept with one person, their previous boyfriend that they were still obsessed with. Person B was the opposite and would bang a different person every week.

Person A: "I can't believe how many people you've slept with, I don't understand how people can have sex with someone they aren't in love with"

Person B: "Well your ex-boyfriend seemed to manage it okay"

Person A: silence as he dies inside

TannedCroissant