There's not a woman I know between the ages of 17 and 70 who has access to technology and never gotten an unsolicited d*ck pic.
Note, I specified unsolicited.
This article will not be about consensual d*ck pics. We love and encourage whatever y'all are doing with consent.
Reddit user idkmanfckdis asked:
"What is the best reply a woman can give to a d*ck pic?"
Now, in *my* world, the best possible thing that can happen is for someone to become a character in the ongoing story that is my life.
That's how my long-time readers have gotten to know characters like "Mariachi Neighbor" and "Patty Poopy Pockets." It's how you'll all get to know the now-infamous "Wet D*ck Pic Guy" and hear about how I responded.
But not yet. First, we're going to talk about the way Reddit responds.
The Leader Board
doctor conan obrien GIF by Team Coco
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"Send him back a d*ck pic."
- Magnon
"But much larger."
- lionsmakemecry
" 'I'm sorry but you are not the current winner. Here is the current leader. I wish I could tell you it was close but..it wasn't.' "
- No_Manufacturer5641
"The current 'wiener'?"
- CartoonistExisting30
A Referral
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"Screenshot, circle a random spot, send it back. 'Omg what is that??? Are you ok? You should go to a doctor.' "
- Insanus_Umbra
"Better yet, don’t send the picture with a circle. Leave them guessing which part you’re talking about."
- D_r_D_a_p_p_e_r
"Oooh or send it back to him with a text also saying something like 'Eww look what he sent me. Why does it look like that?'"
"Then apologize and say that was meant for your group chat."
- g_lay
Zoom
" 'Sorry my phone doesn't zoom in that far.' "
- Keeyn1
" *emotional damage* "
- Somebody-or-somethin
"Such brutality."
- EastClintwood89
HELP
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" 'This is an automated message generated by the Instagram team. Your image has been found to be a violation of 42 U.S.C. § 1283 (2020).' "
" 'An image you sent has been scanned by our Al Bot and was flagged as an unsolicited picture. Your account is scheduled to be reported to the police.' "
" 'Our bot is currently in BETA testing; sometimes it makes mistakes. If you believe this message was in error, reply "HELP" Otherwise, you will be contacted by your local authorities within 24hrs.' "
- OkDraw8445
"And once he replies HELP, delete your message and take a screenshot of him sending a photo of his d*ck and saying 'HELP.' "
- petrogradsky
Slice Of Life
"Hotdog slicer or banana slicer."
- silentspeck
"Cigar cutter also a good one."
- andariel_axe
"I have been using this one for years. It usually works quite well."
- kalmatar
"I’m a fan of this one. They never respond afterwards, go figure."
- aabrithrilar
Surrealist
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"Send them back a completely random picture. The more unrelated the better."
"He sends you a d*ck pic. You send him a picture of a potted cactus."
"But you don't add any other text. None. And you don't answer further."
"He will drive himself crazy wondering how what does that cactus mean. How is it related to his d*ck pic? Is it a threat? Is it an invite? Is it a meme that he hasn't learned yet? WHAT IS IT?!?"
"So, your best bet is to go surreal."
- inksmudgedhands
"When the going gets weird, the surreal start painting their giraffes."
- Gerbs79
Animal Kingdom
"One day I looked up the weirdest d*ck in nature. It's is the echidna penis which has 4 heads."
"Since then, I have it in my phone for whenever I or a friend gets a d*ck pic we didn't ask for."
- SecretCalligrapher67
"How about a hyena's pseudopenis, which the FEMALE possesses? And she has to give birth through it!"
- notthesedays
Enjoy The Silence
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"None."
"Men who send those are getting off on any response given. They want female attention and indignity. Don’t give it to them."
- feidle
"If I received an unsolicited picture like that it would be an instant block."
"You’re right. They’re just trying to get a rise out of girls and unfortunately they get that rise way too often. Both genders are fools."
- WhatJewLookinAt
"Even worse, I remember reading once an ask Reddit thread where they asked why guys send d*ck pics. Some of the top answers were 'I have a humiliation fetish and get off on women insulting me.' "
"So basically a majority of the top answers here would be exactly what those guys want."
- crimsonblade55
Dance Break!
"Link them to this video."
"It's essentially a Despacito parody, but telling people why you shouldn't send pictures of your genitalia."
- EccentricHorse11
Verbal murder
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"If it's unsolicited tell him child pornography is illegal"
-lornstar7
"That’s how you really get them to stop"
- Lonely_egg_McMuffin
"Wow wow wow, I thought you were supposed to get them to stop, not straight up murder them on the spot."
- YoBeaverBoy
"Big fan of this one."
- quirkytorch
"OP was asking for the best reply to a d*ck pic, not how to f-ing murder the guy."
- davm0515
Cute size
"It’s like a penis only smaller"
-TheOldTruth
"What is this, a penis for ants?!"
-ThePegasi
"Does that come in adult sizes?"
-monkeyshineny
It's more of your personality
"You’ve got more d*ck in your personality than your pants"
- S-S-Stumbles
"They were asking for a reply not an execution bro"
- TheDarkSoulHunter
"An instant kill, love it"
- aabrithrilar
"FATALITY!!!!"
- daneelthesane
Smallweenermon I choose you
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"Send one back in a Pokemon card format and challenge him to a battle"
- R3tr0_10
"but shrink it and give it a name like 'smallweenermon'."
- Haunting-Ideal4764
"It only knows one move."
"Minimize."
- MrHanslaX
Not the best response
"A picture of my little toe and the caption 'mine's bigger'."
- SociallyAwkardTurtl
"You must not have been on the internet very long if you think sending pictures of your feet will discourage the creeps."
- rekcilthis1
"I would be worried about them liking the image too much"
- Loose-Professor5364
"Jokes on you cuz he has a foot fetish 👣"
- the_drill2727
But what if...
"If unsolicited then I’d agree with most of these."
"But if from your BF, there’s a good chance he’s insecure about it just like some girls are insecure with their bodies aswell; so unless u have a friendly and I mean very friendly and open relationship I’d advise not joking about it cause they might laugh it off but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt"
"Now Idgaf I laugh everything off but I didn’t always so even if u hate DPs just let him know""
- Av-kay
Okay, my turn now.
A few years back, when I was actively dating, I had a Tinder profile. One of the images on that Tinder was of me with two of my then-bandmates. It was THAT picture, an image where I am fully clothed in a recording studio with two other people, that snagged me "Wet D*ck Pic Guy."
He swiped, I swiped. He was someone I had seen at shows a few times. I knew his name. He knew mine. He was good friends with a lot of my bandmates and friends connected to them.
Cool!
In fact, his opening message to me was to point out that we had a bunch of close mutual friends and remark how strange it was that we didn't know each other better.
I agreed, and made some comment about how his band and mine had even done shows together but he and I, as individuals, had never really talked.
So far, so good. And then it wasn't.
His next message was an Imgur link. I knew better, because I've been a citizen of internet for my whole life, but sometimes you just can't help but to click, ya know?
Curiosity killed the coochie.
I don't know what I was expecting; but I promise it was not the weirdly-wet (like slimey? the pic definitely gave "macaroni noises" vibe) and glistening, awkwardly half-hunched over, f*ckery that I got.
Why was it wet? You're very obviously on dry-land in the picture.
Why wouldn't you clean your room if it's gonna be in the background?
This was on Imgur and had been for quite some time. So do you just keep an album of d*ck pics to send to people who don't ask?
WHY. WAS. IT. WET ?!
I had tons of questions, but we all know asking them would have gotten us nowhere. Instead, I sent him back a "p*ssy pic" - an image of a cat snarling as it swats a mouse's corpse through the air.
And then I mentioned it to a friend.
Apparently yes, he was sending that same weird pic to a lot of women. And a lot of those women were friends, or friends of friends. Friends talk. Friends share screen shots.
"Wet d*ck pic guy" did not get anywhere with that pic except talked about in a LOT of group chats, rehearsal rooms, and back stage areas.
He also earned himself a new nickname and reputation that made things a lot, erm, *harder* for him in the music and dating scene.
Whoops...
Season 7 Oops GIF by Workaholics
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"y'all...i meant a SOLICITED dick pic😭"
- idkmanfuckdis
"LMFAO we out here roasting your man"
- k1w1g1rl
"THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. I haven't seen a single positive reply so far, all about unsolicited. Sending a private photo to a significant other that wants it is an okay thing for men to do guys..."
- jackrocks1201
"Cos most people getting dick pics didn’t solicit them. What did you expect? 'What a pleasant penis?'???"
- PuffinStuffinMuffins
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For many childhood memories are overrun by living nightmares.
Yes, children are resilient, but that doesn't mean that the things we see as babes don't follow us forever.
The horrors of the world are no stranger to the young.
Redditor -2sweetcaramel- wanted to see who was willing to share about the worst things we've seen as kids, so they asked:
"What’s the creepiest thing you saw as a kid?"
Serious Danger
"Me and my best friend would explore the drainage tunnels under the Vegas area where we grew up. These were miles long and it was always really cool down there so it was a good way to escape the heat of our scorching hot summers. We went into this one that goes under the Fiesta casino and found a camp with a bunch of homeless people."
"Mind you we are like 11 years old lol. And we just kept going like it was nothing. It wasn’t scary then but when I look back at it we could have been in some serious danger. Our parents had no idea we did this or where we were and we had no cellphones. We could have been kidnapped and never have been found."
oofboof2020
Waiting for Food
"I was at a portillos once when I was 12 and I was waiting with my little brother at a booth while my parents got our food. This guy was standing with his tray kind of watching me then after a couple of minutes he started to walk over really fast not breaking eye contact with me."
"He was 2 feet from the table and my dad came out of nowhere and scared the s**t out of him. He looked so surprised and just said he wanted to see if I’d get scared or not. He left his tray full of food near the door and left. My folks reported him but we never went to that location again since we found a better one closer to home."
nowhereboy1964
Captain Hobo to the Rescue
"When I was a pretty young teen, my friends and I were horsing around in San Francisco and started hanging out to smoke with some homeless guys. Another homeless dude came up and began aggressively trying to shake us down for anything (money, smokes, a ride, drugs- all of it) and wouldn’t take no for an answer."
"We got in over our heads and could tell this guy was now riling the other 2 guys up and they were acting like they wanted to jump us. Some grandfather-looking old homeless man appeared out of nowhere and yelled at us to get the f**k out of here- nice kids like us don’t belong down here at this hour!!"
"Captain Hobo saved our lives that night. My parents sincerely thought we were at a mall all day lol."
FartAttack911
Survival
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"I was 7 and survived the 2004 tsunami in Thailand. Witnessed the wave rise way above the already massive palm trees (approx. 40ft?) and my family and I watched/heard the wave crash into the ground from a rooftop."
faithfulpoo
These Tsunami stories are just tragic.
On the Sand
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"We were a group of kids who went to swim in a local lake. And there was a dead body on the beach with their hands raised and their legs bent unnaturally that local police just took out of the same lake. I've never put my foot in these waters again."
oyloff
Be Clever
"I was walking to school and I was about 5 or 6 years old and some guy pulled up beside me in his car and asked if I would get in. He also offered me sweets to do so. I said no. The creepy bit was when he calmly said ‘clever boy’ to me, then drove off. I’ve never even told my parents or anyone else about this as it would most likely freak them out."
OstneyPiz
Bad Jokes
"Dad's side of the family pranked me by burying a fake body on our back property and had me dig it up to find valuables. Was only allowed to use a lantern for light. They stuffed old clothes with chicken bones. Sheetrock mud where the head was... Random fake jewelry as the treasures... I was like maybe 10 or 11.. I remember digging up the boot first and started gagging because it became real at that point."
Alegan239
YOU
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"Woke up to find my little brother staring at me in the dark, asking, Are you really you?"
PrettyLola2004
Siblings can really be a bunch of creepers.
No one should talk to others in the dark though.
Not all pet owners have the same relationship with their pets.
While anyone who decides to become a pet owner, or pet parent as some say, love their pets equally, some never ever let them leave their side.
Taking their pet with them to work, running errands, even on vacations.
Many pet parents even allow their pets to share their bed with them when going to sleep.
For others though, this is where a line is finally drawn.
Redditor Piggythelavasurfer was curious to hear whether pet owners allowed their pets to share their bed with them, as well as the reasons why they do/don't, leading them to ask:
"Do you let your pet sleep in your bed? Why/why not?"
The Tiny Issue Of Water...
"Absolutely not."
"I have fish."- Senior-Meal3649
Everyone Gets Lonely Eventually...
"I adopted an eleven year old cat the day before Halloween."
"She has mostly lived in my closet since I got her, and she hasn’t been too interested in coming out."
"Last night, she came out of my closet and jumped up on my bed, and crawled under my covers and curled up by my feet to sleep."
"I was so happy!"- YellowBeastJeep
The Comforting Reminder That You're Not Alone...
"I recently lost my Greyhound but I used to let him sleep on my bed with me."
"The company was nice and he was no trouble to have on my bed."- HoodedMenace3
Hungry Cookie GIF by De Graafschap Dierenartsen
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What Do You Mean Allow?
"I have no choice."
"She is a cat, cats do whatever they want."- Small_cat1412
"He lets me sleep in my bed."- Poorly-Drawn-Beagle
Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way
"I carry my old boy upstairs to bed every night."- worst_in_show
Hug GIF by The BarkPost
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Who Needs An Alarm Clock?
"I let my two cats sleep with me."
"They're so full of love and just want cuddles all the time."
"And so do I."
"We've all developed a lil routine."
"Get to bed, oldest sleeps on my feet to keep them warm, youngest lies in my arm while I lie on my side (she the little spoon), then when I snooze my alarm for work in the morning the youngest paws at my face and meeps loudly to wake me up."- GhostofaFlea_
Whose Bed Is It Anyway?
"Yes."
"They're also kind enough to let me squeeze into whatever space they've left for me."
"Although I do get a few dirty looks off them."- Therealkaylor
"I found this tiny kitten screaming her head off under a car."
"Would not come out."
"Got some food and some water in dishes."
"I stood by the tire so she couldn't see my feet."
"She got curious about the food and water and started gobbling it down."
"I thought she would bolt when I squatted down."
"She was too busy eating."
"I grabbed her by the nape of the neck and all four legs went straight out and she tried to scratch me to death."
"I got her in the door and tossed her toward the couch."
"She ricocheted off the couch as if she was a ping pong off a table and I lost sight of her."
"I put out food and water and a sandbox and did not see that kitten for three days."
"On the third day, I came home and she was on my bed pillow."
"I thought she would bolt when I came near, but she didn't."
"I wanted to sleep so I tried to scoot her little butt off my pillow."
"She would not go."
"I put my head down to sleep and that is the way it was from then on."
"She ran the roost."- Logical_Cherry_7588
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Sleeping Is A Prerequisite...
"No, he's a cat and he cannot keep still during the night."
"He walks across the headboard, opens the closet doors, jumps into the windows and rustles the blinds, etc."
"If he would sleep he could stay, but alas, he's a ramblin' man."- Spong_Durnflungle
Saying No Just Isn't An Option...
"'Let'."
"Lol."
"It's a cat's world and I'm happy to be on her good side."- milaren
Felines Only!
"The cat does, the dog doesn't and the horse certainly does not either."- Xcrowzz
Angry Tom And Jerry GIF by Boomerang Official
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Is That My Hair On That Pillow?
"My dog is perfect."
"She comes up, cuddles til we start to fall asleep, then gets down to sleep on her bed so she doesn't get too hot."
"Jumps back up in the early morning for wake up cuddles."
"The hair everywhere is the only downside but she is so cozy, what can you do."- HoodieWinchester
It is easy to understand how some people are able to fall asleep more easily knowing their friend and protector is there, in bed, with them.
Though we can't blame others who don't want to run the risk of being scratched or bitten in the middle of the night either...