The right insult at the right time is the verbal equivalent of skinning someone alive in public.
This array of roasts is a testament to the unrivaled capacity for humor and immorality in human beings.
Some Redditors--or their 'insulters'--set themselves apart from the whole world of insult-hurling people in two ways:
1. They are quick-witted in the moment
2. They are 100% fine with attacking the complex insecurities of another person on a VERY personal level.
A Flavorless, Starchy Human Being
I was once told I was more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
There's Just So Much Here...
"The nice thing about you being both a huge d*ck and a colossal c*nt is how easy it will be for you to go f yourself."Giphy
"You have pretty eyes, pretty lips, pretty nose and nice eyebrows, they just look weird combined on your face."Giphy
Surefire Way to Kill Libido
I am a dude who's only 5'2". A girl in high school once asked me if I wanted to go up on her.
You. Are. Basic.
You look just like that guy over there
It was a mirrored glass. I've never been so offended in my life.Giphy
Mama Slinging Roasts
I was getting the sex of my child determined when my wife was pregnant.
Lady that was using the ultrasound was struggling to see if there was a penis.
She goes "I guess little things run in the family?" She said it jokingly and I wasn't offended, but it pissed my wife off for some reason and she claps back with "Nah, just no one is happy to see you."
A Patriarchal Blasting
My dad used to tell me: You're not useless, son - you can always be used as a terrible example.
"Still a virgin?"
"No, go ask your sister."
"I don't have a sister you moron."
"Wait 9 months"
Utterly Forgettable. Looks Decent in Leather, Though.
A student told me that I looked like a background character from Sons of Anarchy first year working at a school.
Just Hope He Has Different Clothes
I had puffy hair at the time and was wearing all black.my friend told me that I looked like emo Ronald McDonald.Giphy
An Anatomically-Informed Slaying
"You have less folds on your brain than the towels in my drawer." -Random guy on Xbox Live
Little Genetics Humor
I told someone i f*cked their mom and they said "no wonder I'm so ugly" respect. He roasted himself to make a godly roast to me
Coming From Mom, Too. That's Tough.
I was complaining about the shirt my mom bought me for homecoming in 8th grade.
She called me a fat slug that looked like a wet sock and I still remember it now at 27.Giphy
Wonder If This Helped or Hurt the Tip
My friend asked him "is it okay if I call you Dick?" to which the waiter immediately replied, "you can call me whatever's on your mind, bud."
Sometimes the Old Fashioned Ones Pack the Real Punch
"Well, seems he's got plenty of steam to blow his whistle, but not enough to run the train. Bless his heart."
"I don't want to see you anymore." Then she took off her glasses.
Should've Kept Your Mouth Shut
I was standing next to a friend who was scratched on the face, and someone said "what's wrong with your face?" And I said "me?"
And she said "No your friend here has a a scratch on their face, you're just unfortunate."
Never Good When You Have Them Wishing for Cannibalism
"Your mother should have swallowed you while your bones were still soft"
Maybe Play Drums?
My band teacher once said that his dog could breathe better than me...
"Let's keep it that way."
Me: *trying to sing New York New York*
Sister: "Who sings that?"
Me: *inner monologue how can she not know* "Frank Sinatra."
Sister: "Let's keep it that way."
"Someone at work..."
Someone at work once told me my mustache made me look like Hitler. Two things made it worse. One, that wasn't true. Two, the person who said it was the assistant manager.
Not to me, but two of my professors got into a fight with each other once. It culminated with one of them writing an article about the other, in which he said "[professor] is a man who diminishes with proximity."
Academia is brutal, man.
Back when I had curly hair that sat like a mass on top of my head, I overheard someone tell their friends my head looked like a balloon
Except the -oon was super accentuated, and that made it even funnier.
My teeth are quite ugly so sombody told me my teeth were sponsored by GAP. I just laughed.
"I was called..."
I was called a budget Chris Pratt by a woman in a bar.
"I used to work fast food..."
I used to work fast food and management had just hired two new women, and they were the worst. I walked in the back one time and one screamed "EVERYONE HERE IS FAT AND LAZY" and then the other one looked at me and said, "well he's not lazy..."
"Back in high school..."
From the south. Back in high school one of the redneck kids at school was picking on my buddy, and he turns around and says "Mike, I wonder if you'd be able to speak more clearly if your parents were second cousins instead of first."
"You're not the dumbest..."
"You're not the dumbest person on the planet, but you sure better hope he doesn't die."
Me and some buddies were having a Munchkin night, when one of em said "Man my life just flashed before my eyes!"
Totally deadpan, about one second after, the friend right across from him said "Wow...that must've sucked."
One day, I was walking with some friends to my University's quad, when out of the blue this girl walks past me and says, "Hey, nice sandals". I said thanks, and then she yells back, "enjoy the last supper", and continues on her way.
I couldn't function the rest of the day.
"You're kinda like..."
"You're kinda like Rapunzel except instead of letting down your hair you let down everyone in your life."
"My Slavic dad..."
Wow, Harold, you are dumber than a block of wood and not nearly as useful.
My Slavic dad telling off a dude.
A coworker called another coworker with a mustache the "unwanted third Mario brother" and I spit my breakfast all over the kitchen table because he really is unwanted and looks like a Mario brother.
Before the same (first) coworker lost 75 pounds he would call another overweight coworker "type 3" all the time.
My friend called another friend a "six-piece chicken mcnobody" the other day. I love how it just rolls off the tongue.
Heard this from a co-worker: I'd love to stay and chat but I'd rather have type-2 diabetes
It may or may not have been directed towards me.
"You're so stupid..."
You're so stupid you couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the directions were written on the heel.
"Words can't describe..."
Words can't describe your beauty...
But numbers can.
"You're so dense..."
You're so dense, light bends around you.
"One of my favorites..."
One of my favorites is: "Isn't it rather dangerous to use one's entire vocabulary in a single sentence?"
Mr. Rogers would be disappointed in you.
"Some random girl..."
Some random girl in college had really bad acne. When one of my friends saw her the first time he said "Jesus Christ it looks like her face was on fire and someone tried to put it out with an ice pick"
I felt bad for her, but that's a pretty damn creative insult.
Once, probably 5th or 6th grade age, I told one of my dad's friends that I couldn't hear him over the sound of his hair falling out. My dad about wrecked the truck he was laughing so hard.
Coworker 1: Did your dad every get his money back? Coworker 2: Money back for what? Coworker 1: That cigar he bought to celebrate your birth.
"Another of my coworkers..."
One of my co-workers is the nicest old lady I've ever met. Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. She doesn't even do pretend swears, is patient, kind, etc (you get the picture).
Another of my co-workers is a rather dim, overweight lady who's surname is Pepper. She makes a lot of mistakes that create work for the rest of us. After a big error that meant co-worker 1 would have to come in on the weekend just to clean up co-worker 2's mess, co-worker 1 turned to me and said "The spiciest peppers are the small ones so she's obviously very mild".
This is literally the only time I've ever heard her say anything even vaguely negative and it just floored me and how diplomatic she was about calling ol' pepper a fat idiot.
"I was watching..."
I was watching a YouTube video that has AFL players talk about the best sledge (Australian for insult) while playing. One guy said "The guy I was playing on said to me 'I'm going to eat you!'. And I told him 'Are you going to eat me with the same bowl that your mum uses to cut your hair?'"
"I wasn't present..."
I wasn't present for this one, but a friend told me there was a nerd answering all the teacher's questions during a class. Some dumb blonde said something like, "We get it, nerd. You know everything." Teacher jumped in and was like, "Hey, he might be your boss one day." And then the nerd says, "Highly unlikely. I don't plan on being a pimp."
"Pick any season..."
Pick any season of RuPaul's to watch and you will hear more than enough new insults to re-fill your repertoire.
I envy the people who haven't met you yet.