The right insult at the right time is the verbal equivalent of skinning someone alive in public.
This array of roasts is a testament to the unrivaled capacity for humor and immorality in human beings.
Some Redditors--or their 'insulters'--set themselves apart from the whole world of insult-hurling people in two ways:
1. They are quick-witted in the moment
2. They are 100% fine with attacking the complex insecurities of another person on a VERY personal level.
u/MiniSamuroid asked, "What is the best insult someone has said to you?"What is the best insult someone has said to you?"
A Flavorless, Starchy Human Being
I was once told I was more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
There's Just So Much Here...
"The nice thing about you being both a huge d*ck and a colossal c*nt is how easy it will be for you to go f yourself."
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Backhand
"You have pretty eyes, pretty lips, pretty nose and nice eyebrows, they just look weird combined on your face."
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Surefire Way to Kill Libido
I am a dude who's only 5'2". A girl in high school once asked me if I wanted to go up on her.
You. Are. Basic.
You look just like that guy over there
It was a mirrored glass. I've never been so offended in my life.
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Mama Slinging Roasts
I was getting the sex of my child determined when my wife was pregnant.
Lady that was using the ultrasound was struggling to see if there was a penis.
She goes "I guess little things run in the family?" She said it jokingly and I wasn't offended, but it pissed my wife off for some reason and she claps back with "Nah, just no one is happy to see you."
A Patriarchal Blasting
My dad used to tell me: You're not useless, son - you can always be used as a terrible example.
Downright Shakespearean
"Still a virgin?"
"No, go ask your sister."
"I don't have a sister you moron."
"Wait 9 months"
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Utterly Forgettable. Looks Decent in Leather, Though.
A student told me that I looked like a background character from Sons of Anarchy first year working at a school.
Just Hope He Has Different Clothes
I had puffy hair at the time and was wearing all black.my friend told me that I looked like emo Ronald McDonald.
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An Anatomically-Informed Slaying
"You have less folds on your brain than the towels in my drawer." -Random guy on Xbox Live
Little Genetics Humor
I told someone i f*cked their mom and they said "no wonder I'm so ugly" respect. He roasted himself to make a godly roast to me
Coming From Mom, Too. That's Tough.
I was complaining about the shirt my mom bought me for homecoming in 8th grade.
She called me a fat slug that looked like a wet sock and I still remember it now at 27.
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Wonder If This Helped or Hurt the Tip
My friend asked him "is it okay if I call you Dick?" to which the waiter immediately replied, "you can call me whatever's on your mind, bud."
Sometimes the Old Fashioned Ones Pack the Real Punch
"Well, seems he's got plenty of steam to blow his whistle, but not enough to run the train. Bless his heart."
Should've Kept Your Mouth Shut
I was standing next to a friend who was scratched on the face, and someone said "what's wrong with your face?" And I said "me?"
And she said "No your friend here has a a scratch on their face, you're just unfortunate."
Never Good When You Have Them Wishing for Cannibalism
"Your mother should have swallowed you while your bones were still soft"
Maybe Play Drums?
My band teacher once said that his dog could breathe better than me...
"Let's keep it that way."
Me: *trying to sing New York New York*
Sister: "Who sings that?"
Me: *inner monologue how can she not know* "Frank Sinatra."
Sister: "Let's keep it that way."
"Someone at work..."
Someone at work once told me my mustache made me look like Hitler. Two things made it worse. One, that wasn't true. Two, the person who said it was the assistant manager.
"Academia..."
Not to me, but two of my professors got into a fight with each other once. It culminated with one of them writing an article about the other, in which he said "[professor] is a man who diminishes with proximity."
Academia is brutal, man.
"Except..."
Back when I had curly hair that sat like a mass on top of my head, I overheard someone tell their friends my head looked like a balloon
Except the -oon was super accentuated, and that made it even funnier.
"My teeth..."
My teeth are quite ugly so sombody told me my teeth were sponsored by GAP. I just laughed.
"I used to work fast food..."
I used to work fast food and management had just hired two new women, and they were the worst. I walked in the back one time and one screamed "EVERYONE HERE IS FAT AND LAZY" and then the other one looked at me and said, "well he's not lazy..."
"Back in high school..."
From the south. Back in high school one of the redneck kids at school was picking on my buddy, and he turns around and says "Mike, I wonder if you'd be able to speak more clearly if your parents were second cousins instead of first."
"You're not the dumbest..."
"You're not the dumbest person on the planet, but you sure better hope he doesn't die."
"Totally deadpan..."
Me and some buddies were having a Munchkin night, when one of em said "Man my life just flashed before my eyes!"
Totally deadpan, about one second after, the friend right across from him said "Wow...that must've sucked."
"One day..."
One day, I was walking with some friends to my University's quad, when out of the blue this girl walks past me and says, "Hey, nice sandals". I said thanks, and then she yells back, "enjoy the last supper", and continues on her way.
I couldn't function the rest of the day.
"You're kinda like..."
"You're kinda like Rapunzel except instead of letting down your hair you let down everyone in your life."
"My Slavic dad..."
Wow, Harold, you are dumber than a block of wood and not nearly as useful.
My Slavic dad telling off a dude.
"A coworker..."
A coworker called another coworker with a mustache the "unwanted third Mario brother" and I spit my breakfast all over the kitchen table because he really is unwanted and looks like a Mario brother.
Before the same (first) coworker lost 75 pounds he would call another overweight coworker "type 3" all the time.
"My friend..."
My friend called another friend a "six-piece chicken mcnobody" the other day. I love how it just rolls off the tongue.
"Heard this..."
Heard this from a co-worker: I'd love to stay and chat but I'd rather have type-2 diabetes
It may or may not have been directed towards me.
"You're so stupid..."
You're so stupid you couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the directions were written on the heel.
"One of my favorites..."
One of my favorites is: "Isn't it rather dangerous to use one's entire vocabulary in a single sentence?"
"Some random girl..."
Some random girl in college had really bad acne. When one of my friends saw her the first time he said "Jesus Christ it looks like her face was on fire and someone tried to put it out with an ice pick"
I felt bad for her, but that's a pretty damn creative insult.
"Once..."
Once, probably 5th or 6th grade age, I told one of my dad's friends that I couldn't hear him over the sound of his hair falling out. My dad about wrecked the truck he was laughing so hard.
"Coworker 1..."
Coworker 1: Did your dad every get his money back? Coworker 2: Money back for what? Coworker 1: That cigar he bought to celebrate your birth.
"Another of my coworkers..."
One of my co-workers is the nicest old lady I've ever met. Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. She doesn't even do pretend swears, is patient, kind, etc (you get the picture).
Another of my co-workers is a rather dim, overweight lady who's surname is Pepper. She makes a lot of mistakes that create work for the rest of us. After a big error that meant co-worker 1 would have to come in on the weekend just to clean up co-worker 2's mess, co-worker 1 turned to me and said "The spiciest peppers are the small ones so she's obviously very mild".
This is literally the only time I've ever heard her say anything even vaguely negative and it just floored me and how diplomatic she was about calling ol' pepper a fat idiot.
"I was watching..."
I was watching a YouTube video that has AFL players talk about the best sledge (Australian for insult) while playing. One guy said "The guy I was playing on said to me 'I'm going to eat you!'. And I told him 'Are you going to eat me with the same bowl that your mum uses to cut your hair?'"
"I wasn't present..."
I wasn't present for this one, but a friend told me there was a nerd answering all the teacher's questions during a class. Some dumb blonde said something like, "We get it, nerd. You know everything." Teacher jumped in and was like, "Hey, he might be your boss one day." And then the nerd says, "Highly unlikely. I don't plan on being a pimp."
"Pick any season..."
Pick any season of RuPaul's to watch and you will hear more than enough new insults to re-fill your repertoire.
But we should also be prepared and ready to ask the right questions to have a leg up on the competition.
"What is THE best question to ask on a job interview?"
A company's history or information about a past employee were suggested subjects appropriate for questioning.
Prior Knowledge
"When you were interviewing here, what would you have liked to know before you joined?"
"This worked for me. I asked my interviewer a question about how she had personally dealt with a company policy she had just explained. She bragged about her stellar adherence to the policy. I nodded my approval. I got the job."
A Previous Employee
"One that has always gone over well for me:"
"What were some qualities that the previous employee in this role brought to the job that you would like to see carried forward?"
"Another good thing to do is research the company you are interviewing with and you can ask things about what they may be involved in or you could drop that while reading about the company, you wondered this."
Hypothetical questions were suggested as helpful examples of inquiry.
Indicators Of How Companies Treat Employees
"A question that landed me a job once was: 'If I asked your direct reports about your management style, what do you think they'd tell me?' Stumped a hiring manager and he emailed me personally to tell me about it, no one ever asked him that question but got the job.
"In my current interviews I'm asking 'what did your company do for its employees during [the virus] to improve their day to day, work life balance, etc.' and I ask 'Is there anything your company adopted during [the virus] that they plan to keep post [the virus]?"
"These questions give a lot of insight into whether a company treated their employees well."
Past Performance & Adjustments
"If we were currently sitting in my 1 year review, what would I have done in this year for you to say I excelled in my role?"
"If I could snap my finger right now and change anything about your job or the company, what would it be and why?"
The following questions about a prospective company may not be answered from initial digging on their website.
Measure Of Success & Career Trajectories
"How is success measured in this role?"
"What are some possible career trajectories within the company that could stem from this position?"
Being A Solution
"Ask them what is the biggest problem you can solve for them in your first six months with the company. Similar to 'don't think of a purple hippo,' this forces them to imagine you succeeding in the position."
Simply The Best
"Who is your best employee and why is he/she the best?"
"You will then face 2 situations mostly:"
"panicking CEO who can't answer you 'Bob who works 17 hours a day for a slice of bread' so the fear in their faces must be a big nono for you"
"entusiast CEO who actually follow their business and can tell you who is an added value for the company and why."
– ThePiz91
My experiences with job interviews are different than others seeking work in office environments.
Having had a years-long career as a dancer, my "interview" was the dance audition, where hopefuls dance in small groups of people at a time after learning a routine and then awaiting their fate after the panel evaluates their performances.
The question I may or may not have asked in such a scenario earlier in my career was: "Did I make the cut?"
I did not make the cut. And I learned never to ask that again.
I remember the worst date I ever had. My biggest regret is that I stayed for the entire thing. I should've left as soon as I realized this was not going well, which was basically at hello. But he was paying so I drank, a lot. I'll keep names and dates to myself to protect the innocent.
0/10
Big Brother Reaction GIF by Big Brother After DarkGiphy"Went to brewery, date said I had hairy arms and that meant I was horny, said "you look really awful in this light" and then tried to dig out of that hole by saying in his native language that was a term of endearment long term couples said to each other. 0/10 did not date again."
Lucky 13?
"My wife wanted to plan our 13th wedding anniversary. I was excited because usually, I plan it. She bought us some new disc golf discs and after a quick supper, we went to play. We hadn't played in forever. We were laughing and I had a great time. She served me with divorce papers and told me that the date was a test to see if she still had feelings for me. I also learned that she was having an affair that started well before our anniversary."
- rmorlock
Two Hours from Home
"Not necessarily a date but a person I was dating invited me to his parent's house for the afternoon. He wanted to introduce me to them and show me the house he grew up in. I thought it was super sweet and had no problems going. He was also in the middle of moving and needed to pick up a few things, so it really didn't seem that unusual."
"Yeah, we got there and it was awful. His entire family was there. They traveled from hours away too. This was not just meeting the parents, it was meeting the ENTIRE family. Even worse? At some point, this idiot told his parents that he had proposed. We had been dating TWO months. I spent the entire afternoon dumbfounded and just playing along."
"We were two hours from home and I had no cell service, no way to leave at all. We ended up spending the afternoon brainstorming wedding ideas and planning an Alaskan honeymoon that his parents planned to gift us. His brother even called to say congratulations! We drove back to his apartment in silence. When we got there, I got in my car and left, didn't even bother grabbing my stuff. Weirdest experience ever. I have no idea how he broke it to his parents that we weren't getting married."
You're Cut Off!
"Got set up on a blind date once between mutual friends. She shows up to the restaurant already a little tipsy, orders multiple appetizers and only takes like one or two bites from each one. Then she proceeds to order 3 or 4 more drinks and is visibly drunk at this point. She gets up and says she's going to the bathroom and staggers off. About 15-20 minutes go by so I try to call her several times but no answer."
"Finally I decide to pay the check and just leave. About 2 hours later I'm sitting at home and I get a call from an unknown number. It's the police department. She was picked up on a DUI on her way home after she ditched me and gave the cops my number to see if I could go bail her out!"
- mox44ah
Sorry?
Bbc Three Idk GIF by BBCGiphy"Well, I gave this answer on a different topic, but it ties in with this. We were out on a date, we had been seeing each other for a while, close to a year maybe. She gets a phone call. Suddenly she looks destroyed. Her fiancé had just died in a motorcycle accident."
What in the world? I mean how can we ever expect to pair off with the dating pool being inundated with liars and nut jobs? I'm going to delete my apps.
Girl, Bye.
Sassy Beyonce GIFGiphy"Had a girl openly flirt with the bartender in front of me. She says she wasn't. But handing him her own phone and asking for his contact info in front of her date seems like it to me."
Crazy!
"Came out from a movie, late at night, and date's Camaro was stolen. Apparently, he called his WIFE (that I did not know he had) and let her know where he was and what happened. She showed up and realized he was on a date! She started chasing ME around the parking lot telling me she was going to kill me. Saved by the cops who showed up just in time to take the auto theft report."
Hey Mom
"Met a girl at a country bar one night in my 20s. We were both pretty drunk but hit it off pretty good. Ended up getting her number and we agreed we'd go on a real date. Fast forward to the date, she gets in my vehicle and... she looks almost identical to my mom. I was mortified. I was polite and we went for lunch where I found out she also had a boyfriend she "wasn't sure if she was into". Never talked to her again."
- SgtGo
Liars...
"When I was in college many years ago, before the advancement of cell phones and social media, I was chatting with a girl I met on a BBS who lived on Long Island, NY. I was 18 at the time, but lied and said I was 22 because she said she was 25. We spent a few weeks emailing each other, as well as calling each other."
"We even exchanged pics. When we finally met up, things blew up. Turns out we both lied about our ages: She was really 33, and lied because she thought she looked younger. She admitted she sent a college photo to me. We still had dinner together, but it was awkward as hell. We never spoke again."
Doubles
Kill Me Now Season 1 GIF by FriendsGiphy"It was a double date. She was more interested talking to the other girl throughout the whole thing. Found out later from the other guy that his girl cheated on him with my date."
Ummm... I think I'm just going to stay single. That is a handful of crazy. Why can't people just be honest? I swear the search for love warps people's brains. Be careful out there people.
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