The right insult at the right time is the verbal equivalent of skinning someone alive in public.
This array of roasts is a testament to the unrivaled capacity for humor and immorality in human beings.
Some Redditors--or their 'insulters'--set themselves apart from the whole world of insult-hurling people in two ways:
1. They are quick-witted in the moment
2. They are 100% fine with attacking the complex insecurities of another person on a VERY personal level.
u/MiniSamuroid asked, "What is the best insult someone has said to you?"What is the best insult someone has said to you?"
A Flavorless, Starchy Human Being
I was once told I was more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
There's Just So Much Here...
"The nice thing about you being both a huge d*ck and a colossal c*nt is how easy it will be for you to go f yourself."
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Backhand
"You have pretty eyes, pretty lips, pretty nose and nice eyebrows, they just look weird combined on your face."
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Surefire Way to Kill Libido
I am a dude who's only 5'2". A girl in high school once asked me if I wanted to go up on her.
You. Are. Basic.
You look just like that guy over there
It was a mirrored glass. I've never been so offended in my life.
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Mama Slinging Roasts
I was getting the sex of my child determined when my wife was pregnant.
Lady that was using the ultrasound was struggling to see if there was a penis.
She goes "I guess little things run in the family?" She said it jokingly and I wasn't offended, but it pissed my wife off for some reason and she claps back with "Nah, just no one is happy to see you."
A Patriarchal Blasting
My dad used to tell me: You're not useless, son - you can always be used as a terrible example.
Downright Shakespearean
"Still a virgin?"
"No, go ask your sister."
"I don't have a sister you moron."
"Wait 9 months"
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Utterly Forgettable. Looks Decent in Leather, Though.
A student told me that I looked like a background character from Sons of Anarchy first year working at a school.
Just Hope He Has Different Clothes
I had puffy hair at the time and was wearing all black.my friend told me that I looked like emo Ronald McDonald.
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An Anatomically-Informed Slaying
"You have less folds on your brain than the towels in my drawer." -Random guy on Xbox Live
Little Genetics Humor
I told someone i f*cked their mom and they said "no wonder I'm so ugly" respect. He roasted himself to make a godly roast to me
Coming From Mom, Too. That's Tough.
I was complaining about the shirt my mom bought me for homecoming in 8th grade.
She called me a fat slug that looked like a wet sock and I still remember it now at 27.
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Wonder If This Helped or Hurt the Tip
My friend asked him "is it okay if I call you Dick?" to which the waiter immediately replied, "you can call me whatever's on your mind, bud."
Sometimes the Old Fashioned Ones Pack the Real Punch
"Well, seems he's got plenty of steam to blow his whistle, but not enough to run the train. Bless his heart."
Should've Kept Your Mouth Shut
I was standing next to a friend who was scratched on the face, and someone said "what's wrong with your face?" And I said "me?"
And she said "No your friend here has a a scratch on their face, you're just unfortunate."
Never Good When You Have Them Wishing for Cannibalism
"Your mother should have swallowed you while your bones were still soft"
Maybe Play Drums?
My band teacher once said that his dog could breathe better than me...
"Let's keep it that way."
Me: *trying to sing New York New York*
Sister: "Who sings that?"
Me: *inner monologue how can she not know* "Frank Sinatra."
Sister: "Let's keep it that way."
"Someone at work..."
Someone at work once told me my mustache made me look like Hitler. Two things made it worse. One, that wasn't true. Two, the person who said it was the assistant manager.
"Academia..."
Not to me, but two of my professors got into a fight with each other once. It culminated with one of them writing an article about the other, in which he said "[professor] is a man who diminishes with proximity."
Academia is brutal, man.
"Except..."
Back when I had curly hair that sat like a mass on top of my head, I overheard someone tell their friends my head looked like a balloon
Except the -oon was super accentuated, and that made it even funnier.
"My teeth..."
My teeth are quite ugly so sombody told me my teeth were sponsored by GAP. I just laughed.
"I used to work fast food..."
I used to work fast food and management had just hired two new women, and they were the worst. I walked in the back one time and one screamed "EVERYONE HERE IS FAT AND LAZY" and then the other one looked at me and said, "well he's not lazy..."
"Back in high school..."
From the south. Back in high school one of the redneck kids at school was picking on my buddy, and he turns around and says "Mike, I wonder if you'd be able to speak more clearly if your parents were second cousins instead of first."
"You're not the dumbest..."
"You're not the dumbest person on the planet, but you sure better hope he doesn't die."
"Totally deadpan..."
Me and some buddies were having a Munchkin night, when one of em said "Man my life just flashed before my eyes!"
Totally deadpan, about one second after, the friend right across from him said "Wow...that must've sucked."
"One day..."
One day, I was walking with some friends to my University's quad, when out of the blue this girl walks past me and says, "Hey, nice sandals". I said thanks, and then she yells back, "enjoy the last supper", and continues on her way.
I couldn't function the rest of the day.
"You're kinda like..."
"You're kinda like Rapunzel except instead of letting down your hair you let down everyone in your life."
"My Slavic dad..."
Wow, Harold, you are dumber than a block of wood and not nearly as useful.
My Slavic dad telling off a dude.
"A coworker..."
A coworker called another coworker with a mustache the "unwanted third Mario brother" and I spit my breakfast all over the kitchen table because he really is unwanted and looks like a Mario brother.
Before the same (first) coworker lost 75 pounds he would call another overweight coworker "type 3" all the time.
"My friend..."
My friend called another friend a "six-piece chicken mcnobody" the other day. I love how it just rolls off the tongue.
"Heard this..."
Heard this from a co-worker: I'd love to stay and chat but I'd rather have type-2 diabetes
It may or may not have been directed towards me.
"You're so stupid..."
You're so stupid you couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the directions were written on the heel.
"One of my favorites..."
One of my favorites is: "Isn't it rather dangerous to use one's entire vocabulary in a single sentence?"
"Some random girl..."
Some random girl in college had really bad acne. When one of my friends saw her the first time he said "Jesus Christ it looks like her face was on fire and someone tried to put it out with an ice pick"
I felt bad for her, but that's a pretty damn creative insult.
"Once..."
Once, probably 5th or 6th grade age, I told one of my dad's friends that I couldn't hear him over the sound of his hair falling out. My dad about wrecked the truck he was laughing so hard.
"Coworker 1..."
Coworker 1: Did your dad every get his money back? Coworker 2: Money back for what? Coworker 1: That cigar he bought to celebrate your birth.
"Another of my coworkers..."
One of my co-workers is the nicest old lady I've ever met. Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. She doesn't even do pretend swears, is patient, kind, etc (you get the picture).
Another of my co-workers is a rather dim, overweight lady who's surname is Pepper. She makes a lot of mistakes that create work for the rest of us. After a big error that meant co-worker 1 would have to come in on the weekend just to clean up co-worker 2's mess, co-worker 1 turned to me and said "The spiciest peppers are the small ones so she's obviously very mild".
This is literally the only time I've ever heard her say anything even vaguely negative and it just floored me and how diplomatic she was about calling ol' pepper a fat idiot.
"I was watching..."
I was watching a YouTube video that has AFL players talk about the best sledge (Australian for insult) while playing. One guy said "The guy I was playing on said to me 'I'm going to eat you!'. And I told him 'Are you going to eat me with the same bowl that your mum uses to cut your hair?'"
"I wasn't present..."
I wasn't present for this one, but a friend told me there was a nerd answering all the teacher's questions during a class. Some dumb blonde said something like, "We get it, nerd. You know everything." Teacher jumped in and was like, "Hey, he might be your boss one day." And then the nerd says, "Highly unlikely. I don't plan on being a pimp."
"Pick any season..."
Pick any season of RuPaul's to watch and you will hear more than enough new insults to re-fill your repertoire.
Real life contains the scariest horrors you could ask for. So aren't we all living in a horror movie, in a way? At least, these people sure freakin' were.
MisterSnowman69 asked: What was a moment in your life that felt like a horror movie scene?
In the words of the legendary Mary Vivian Pierce in the film Pink Flamingos, “Murder merely relieves tension”. I’m sure the following Redditors felt differently.
Nothing scarier than the woods at night.
Went into a real deep woods hike for only the second time in my life.
My gps broke and had to rely on my compass. Got turned around a few times because I couldn't remember the direction I came from, and it was getting dark. Lost the trail way.
But the woods are weirdly silent in the dark and alone.
It was around 2am by the time I found the trailhead.
Darn foxes.
the simpsons react GIFGiphyMy friend and I got lost late on one foggy night in the Italian countryside. There were rats all over and every once in a while we heard someone scream.
I've never been more sure I was about to get murdered than I was that night.
It was probably a red fox that was screaming.
Could've also been a lynx, but they are much rarer in Italy.
At least she wasn’t speaking in tongues.
My mom is quite the sleep talker, but it's usually pretty short and incoherent when it happens. One night as a teenager, I woke up to her scream-yelling the Hail Mary prayer (my bedroom was across the house and upstairs).
Difficult to get back to sleep after that one.
Sometimes scary sh*t ends up just being funny coincidences. Super funny. Right?
Don’t give them any ideas.
I was exploring an abandoned mental asylum and then got the scare of my life when a scary looking person inside one of the rooms was just staring at me without moving. Turns out some joker had left a cardboard cutout there.
And now I have plans this weekend... Just need to find a couple of cardboard cutouts and to break into the local abandoned asylum.
Don’t you hate when that happens?
Evil Dead Horror GIF by Coolidge Corner TheatreGiphyI was driving home on backcountry roads at midnight in heavy fog. Like can't see 10 feet in front of you thick. Suddenly I see an all-white silhouette running in front of the car. Every hair on my body stood up. I immediately think "oh god, oh f*ck, it's a f*cking woman in white, I'm gonna f*cking die"
Nope just a drunk who dove into the ditch.
Gotta love paranoia.
When I was about 12, my parents went out for dinner leaving me home alone. We lived out in the country, on a private road with only three other houses, surrounded by cow fields and wooded areas.
I went into the the kitchen and glanced out the window towards the trees and there in the fading light I could see a person walking slowly through the woods. They were wearing all black, moving slowly and appeared to pause behind trees. My heart started pounding so hard in my ears I couldn't hear anything else and I was weak and shaky from fear. I froze and just watched them. Would they come to the house? Where were they going?
This was before cell phones but I suddenly remembered my mom had left the number of the restaurant by the living room phone. Slowly, I made my way towards the living room, trying to watch this stranger in the woods.
Just as I entered the living room, all the lights in the entire house went out. By this time it was nearly dark outside. I started openly sobbing and in the dark I heard a weird boom like noise. That was it, I ran to my parents room, hid under their bed and sobbed. That's where my mom found me hours later (it felt like).
Well, turns out the stranger in the woods was a stupid cow that had busted through a fence, the lights going out was from an accident a few miles away (hit the power line) and the boom was the pilot light in the gas stove. Man, I have never been that scared in my life though!
I have a lot of questions.
A naked man who was covered in blood chased me across a park at 2 in the morning. I was totally alone. He just wanted money for a bus (????) and luckily nothing bad happened but I thought I was going to die.
But of course, the genuine horrors do exist. And they aren’t scary in a fun horror movie way, they’re actually terrifying because they can happen to anyone.
A scary few seconds.
car chase GIF by Mayans M.C.GiphyI am a "baby" in a car seat in between cousins in backseat. Dad is driving. This is in the 80s and it is my aunt's insistence that I am in this seat even though I am like 5.
A sleeping semi driver is coming over into our lane and there is a cliff on other side. Basically my dad did some amazing driving but semi blew us up. I am uninjured sitting in the seat swinging my legs while everyone is unconscious. They all wake groaning. Dad doesnt wake up.
Long story short just minor scrapes and dad has broken leg. But the crunch of metal and those few seconds/minute of being the only "alive" person was quite fear inducing.
Glad they’re all ok now.
Two days after my now boyfriend told me he liked me he fell from a zip line and broke his back. Almost died. 6 months later he got into a car wreck from a drunk driver - almost died. 6 months after that, he passed out and had to have emergency brain surgery, again, almost died. I now have severe anxiety/separation anxiety/and ptsd. That whole year was a f*cking nightmare
Edit: we're both okay now, the brain injury was almost a year ago. But TBIs take a while to heal so he still has side effects. Thankfully our relationship is still strong; he's physically getting better and I'm healing emotionally too. Lucky for him, the trauma of the injuries has caused him to forget the majority of the pain and memories of those incidents.
ALWAYS wear a helmet.
Driving home from work at 23, listening to my favorite song.
I pull up to a red light, and see this guy on a motorcycle coming up next to me in the other lane. I rolled down my window to compliment his bike when he stops. He doesn't, and runs the red light. He hits a car going at least 55mph. His motorcycle shatters apart, he goes flying, hits the hood of another car, and lands on the ground and rolls into the curb (no helmet). The car he hit with his motorcycle was totaled. I had to step over his body to talk to the police. He was still alive when they got there. I regret not holding his hand. It was just a normal day, and all of a sudden it felt like the rug was pulled from out beneath me. He was only 18.
Edit: The song was Sunny by Boney M., for those curious
What did we learn today, kids? Foxes scream like humans, shadowy figures are usually cows or drunken rednecks, and once again, PLEASE WEAR A HELMET WHEN YOU RIDE ANY KIND OF BIKE.
Scary sh*t surrounds us. But where there is horror, there are heroes. So next time you think you see a scary figure in the woods, know that Bruce Campbell is probably right around the corner
Hypocrisy is everywhere; it's like a disease. And sadly everyone does it. Some of us indulge in smaller doses than others. But some people live their life by it. Like how can you support civil servants, like police, firefighters, etc... yet try to find ways to hide money in order to not pay taxes? Tell me... I'll wait.
Manga...
Hungry Night Court GIF by LaffGiphyItalian moms that say you're too fat then say I'm making grandma cry by not finishing my pasta.
Asian moms too! Not only that if you try to not eat, they make to go containers for you. Oh, sorry I have to leave, RUNS AT LEAST HAVE SOME FRUIT.
Phonies...
Celebrities positioning themselves as champions for social justice while launching a clothing line with no comment on the labor conditions their garments are made in.
Sexy Times...
The Porn Industry
Why is prostitution considered a crime, but it becomes perfectly legal once a camera is put beside them?
I think the first amendment helps with that one. There's been many a supreme-court case about whether porn is protected speech.
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...
You can get away with WAY more crap, in general, when you're attractive.
But we all kind of aspire to attractiveness and it's not like it's attractive people's fault, exactly. So what is there to be done?
So true. Money and beauty are treated like virtues and they aren't. They're luck of the draw. It probably helps you to be a better person if people assume that you are gentle and clever just by looking at your face or wallet.
KIDS
GIF by MOODMANGiphyPeople screaming at you if you don't want Kids and Kids are the greatest thing in the World and then turn around and whine how expensive they are and how annoying yadda yadda.
Yeah see... humans are a mess. And too often then not, personal conviction and dignity are just a myth, or a punchline. Double standards have always been a way of life. And many of us have begrudgingly learned to navigate.
Fashion
Fashion Model GIF by NYFW: The ShowsGiphyIf a skinny person wears something out of the ordinary, it's a fashion statement and awesome. It can even just be something like a crop top or overalls.
But God forbid a fat person wear the same thing.
Distractions
The hypocrisy hypocrisy. People love to call it out but rarely notice it on themselves and if they notice it then it's something completely different or a distraction.
That's the worst. I hate that I have to hate that. But if I don't hate it, then the hate will just continue. So, really, my hate comes from my love of an end to hate. So anyone who hates my hate hates love. And we must hate anyone who hates love!
My Morality
My own personal hypocrisy; When I was a lot less well off financially, delivering pizzas trying to get through college, I kept a cup of coins in my car. When a homeless person would approach me for spare change, I gave them the cup. Most of the time it was nearly full, so there was probably 20-30 dollars in there.
Now that I have a good salaried job, even if I've got a few bucks in my wallet, I tend to not even make eye contact anymore. I know it's awful, I know it makes me crappy, but the last 4-5 years have made me a jaded craphead towards people in general. I used to be so hopeful and I wanted to help everyone, and tried to live a life that reflected that.
Now, while my general and political morality is pretty much the same, my personal morality has gotten more grey. I'd jaded, I hate people, I assume the worst of people I used to assume the best of. I don't really care about the strangers around me like I used to, but I still expect everyone else to.
Placing Blame
Victim mentality.
It's so freaking frustrating when it becomes entrenched. "You did this, it's your fault" "you should've known to do x, its your fault" Yeah bro your problems aren't my problems and if all you do is make excuses and blame me for them, it's not going to be my fault when you don't develop as a person and accomplish your dreams. I'm sure they'll find someone to blame though.
In D.C.
Donald Trump Reaction GIF by Election 2016GiphyPoliticians work part time, are given free housing, education, and health care, and exempt from the everyday violence we experience, but refuse to lift a finger to help us.
At this points most people running for a position in the government are only in it for the benefits of being a politician and the amount of money they can embezzle. Well in my country at least.
Just speak a truth and live it. Yes, it maybe hard. But what part of life isn't? Hypocrisy is just lying. Plain and simple. And it's a sin to lie.
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