That's not to say the whole article is Testes Fest 2021 (please don't, you guys.) but I'm not in the business of lying. This article is not the one for younger readers or anyone who just isn't here for juggling any more balls than they had to.

I'm not sorry for that pun.

Reddit user "SecretariatGodHorse" asked:

"Women, what are some questions you've always wanted to ask men, but were too embarrassed?"

Pre"dick"tably, people started out with everything you never knew you needed to know about ... well ... you read my intro. You know what you're getting into.

Let's just go on ahead and get the probing penis questions out of the way now.

New Kinds Of Kisses

"When you use the toilet, does your weenie just hang into the toilet? Do you rest it on the seat? Do you ever get poop splash on your ween?" - misternuggies

"It hangs. Sometimes a splash hits the balls. Poseidon's kiss they call it." - SkeletalElite

"When your tip touches the toilet bowl/rim it's called The Witch's Kiss " - CaptainFeather

All About The Scrunch

"What happens to your balls when you run?"

"Are they just banging around? Do they stick between your thighs? Do they end up tucked? I've been dying to know, thanks." - Gettin-liiifted

"The nutsack isn't always floppy. It scrunches up or loosens. They don't flop when scrunched."

"Also Underwear keeps it in place." - LemonWaluigi

"Yeah, this is the answer. Your sack can contract so much, it presses your balls pretty far into your groin area."

"Then they don't dangle. They're just there." - Weikor

An Inconvenient Truth

"Is it true you really get random boners?" - Kanyesb7889

"Yes. Distressingly often as a teen, but even later on it happens." - SoAngry75

"Constantly... I was told at some point that they would stop... I'm thirty f*cking seven and still waiting for that time I can stand up without having to shift things to hide it...." - kezow

"51 here. Hasn't stopped yet. I'm guessing they won't be able to close the coffin lid when I die at this rate." - gonesnake

A Difference Of Opinion

"Do y'all secretly enjoy when we get you hard at inappropriate times?" - Kaitmyers79

"Oh God yes. When a girl intentionally gets me hard, knowing that I can't do anything about it (and may be embarrassed trying to hide it) that's such a turn on. Which of course makes me even harder."

"Here's the thing: girls get to feel sexy pretty much whenever they want. They have the opposite problem, with guys cat-calling or making inappropriate comments just because boobs and butts exist."

"But there's no equivalent of cleavage or a short skirt for guys. And even if there was, a lot of women just don't comment on mens' bodies, even to their partner."

"It's such that men can be in a relationship for years and never get to feel like their sexy bits are sexy. Hopefully we get compliments on other things, like how we dress or carry ourselves. And that's nice. But nobody ever compliments our dicks, other than maybe the first time you see it."

"So back to your question. If you're getting me hard on purpose, that means you're thinking about it and you like it. And that's a pretty nice compliment." - notme222

"No." - WakandaZad

Great, now that we've gotten all that out of our systems it's important to remember that men, like all humans, are so much more than their crotch-quirks.

Some may not always like to admit it, but there are hopes, fears, insecurities and genuine emotions happening over there. Of course there are!

Human - to - human, the questions turned into something more interesting. We got examinations of what patriarchy, socialization, and expectations look like in the real world.

In short - it got real.

Throwing Away Your Shot

"Is it true that guys generally hesitate or avoid going up to and talking women that are super attractive?"

"I mean like a 9 or a 10/10? Is attractiveness/appearance something that makes you stall when 'shooting your shot?' " - hoodfairyy

"Can't speak for all guys, but what I tell myself: 'Why the hell would someone like her be interested in someone like me?' " - LiquidGhost8892

"Absolutely. True story:"

"There was this really pretty girl in my friend group (all young 20-somethings) in San Diego. We'd hang out, go to parties, go to concerts, go to the beach, etc. I never even considered asking her out because she was waaaaay out of my league."

"One night she and I were the last of our group at the bar. She has no car so I offer her a ride home. She invites me in for a beer. Cool."

"We're watching late night tv and she leans her head on my shoulder. Eh, fine... we're buds, right?"

"Then her hand is on my thigh. Weird."

"I turn to look at her and she's looking in my eyes. I ask if she's okay and she says she'd be better if I kissed her. WTF?"

"She's like a 9 and I'm a 6 at best (maybe a Scranton 8). But, F*CK YEAH! We make out for a bit, but when I go to cop a feel she breaks it off and says, 'We've both had a lot to drink. Maybe you should sleep here tonight.' "

"I see I've blown it and say, 'Sure. Thanks.' "

"She heads to the bedroom and I kick off my shoes and stretch out on the couch. A couple of minutes go by and she comes back and says, 'Are you coming?' "

"WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK IS HAPPENING? But I smoothly go 'Um....yeah.' "

"That was Dec 12, 1981. We married April 3, 1982. Still going strong."

"If it wasn't for her, never would have happened." - CharDeeMacDennisII

911 Operators Break Down The Strangest Call They've Ever Received | George Takei’s Oh Myyy

For A Smile...

"I'm with someone who buys me flowers to make me smile--what would be something I could do similarly for him that is nonsexual that would brighten his day?" - JustFineAnd

"Be the big spoon. Scalp massage. Back rub, not necessarily a massage, either."

"Next time y'all are watching TV in bed or on the couch. Let him lay his head on your chest or lap, and run your fingers through his hair, or just pet his back like a dog. Even better if he's shirtless and you can lightly scratch his back."

"May not seem like much, but it makes a big impact on us, even if we may not immediately show it. For me, it slows my mind. Helps me stop thinking for a while and process the here and now so much better." - Infectious_Cockroach

"Compliment him. He may not show it on the outside, but he's giggling and blushing on the inside." - wamj

Clingy

"How often do men want to be hugged? Does it feels clingy, if a girl offers it every now and then ?" - SpillBeanss

"Cling to me and just never let go. I wouldn't mind. Hugs are great!" - SlamUnited

"I don't know how many guys I speak for but for me being hugged by a girl you're dating or are close with is like getting permission to relax and be happy." - Crionso

"2 situations when someone being clingy has been an issue: when I was going to work and was already late from my schedule and when trying to do a #2."

"Any other time than those, if you're the one I love you could glue or tape yourself to me and I'd be happy." - Betanyymi

What About Your Friends?

"Do you ever worry about what your friends think of the attractiveness of your girlfriend/wife? Like are you ever worried that people you know don't find her good-looking or judge you for being with her?"

"(This question is obviously coming straight from my insecurities lol.)" - MommaJ94

"I actually did have this fear with my last girlfriend. She was a bigger girl and I wasn't really concerned about what they thought, but just didn't want anyone being judgmental toward her."

"It's hard to explain, I wasn't ashamed of her or anything, just hate the thought of people judging her by her appearance." - saddestclaps

"I have never once asked my friends their opinions on my significant other's appearance, and I have never offered my opinion on theirs. And now that I think about it, I haven't really had an opinion on their looks by means to judge them." - secret-hero

Commitment Comments

"What makes you want to commit (be exclusive, or get married) does it have anything to do with your partner or more of 'I have to be ready within myself first?' " - Secretly_Uninhibited

"For me it was needing to feel like I had personally matured enough to be committed."

"I didn't want to commit to someone who was clearly ready to commit to me if I wasn't ready and could somehow end up wasting their time." - Langhof

"I pushed my wife away for a while, not cut I didn't like her, just wasn't ready for a serious relationship. We've been married for 10, together for about 15." - LostOldAccountTimmay

Deadly Butterflies

"When you have a crush on someone, do you get the butterflies too? What is going through your mind when you're with her/away from her? Is there an emotional aspect? Or is it mostly physical for guys?" - majestic_toast

"Yes, it's mostly emotional! In fact with my first crush I didn't even care about the physical part, and keep in mind I was 13 when that happened" - ZaneyTheAwesome

"Hell yeah"

"I try to act normal, oh wait my "normal" is everyone else's weird. How the f*ck am I supposed to bring up a conversation to get to know her without coming off as creepy?"

"Oh God she's making deep eye contact, and she's smiling. Should I mimic her?"

"It's emotional if we've already established a relationship. We know each other and I fantasize about living my life with her. It's physical when I don't know her and am just looking at her for the first time. When it's physical and emotional, that's one deadly combo." - PMmethighhighs

In The Gym

"Dear men:"

"What do you really think of fat girls when you see them at the gym, or are you so focused on your own workout you don't pay attention to anyone else? 🤔"

"Sincerely, An insecure fat girl trying to get healthy again." - dogandbutterfly1978

"Same thing I think of seeing anyone else. Good on them. Remember it doesn't matter how fast you are, your lapping everyone on the couch." - Timmmber4

"I think it's awesome because you're actively trying to get in shape. There's a ton of people who are so insecure that they can't even bear the idea of going to the gym because they're worried about what other people think, man or woman." - KinglyZero91

There's a lot more in the thread, but there's only so much article time you can devote to erections, hugs, and that one guy whose now-wife is the real MVP.

Shout out to that lady. We applaud you, sis.