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Insults come in many forms, most of them involving swear words or similar affronts. However, there is something to be said for a truly cutting remark made without the use of such language.

Some favorites are always old Victorian slang and insults. They just hit different. Something about telling an a-hole “you sir are an unlicked cub and your wife a sausage wallet" is just more satisfying. Although we do not recommend going around insulting people, the list of swear-free insults below will certainly get a chuckle.


Redditor Beadiest_Cape wanted to hear the best cuss free insults out there and asked:

“What's the best insult you've heard without swearing?"

Professor burn…

“After getting a compliment on his assignment, A buddy of mine leaned back in his chair and told our college professor, ‘I'm not as dumb as I look.’ To which he leaned forward on his podium and said, ‘You couldnt be.’” dusty_boots

“…and may God have mercy on your soul.”

​“One of the best is from Billy Madison, ‘What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.’” maswriter

You should apologize…

“You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you'd better hope they don’t die.” WhatThatBoiDoin

“Whenever this question is posted, my favorite is usually along the lines of: ‘There's a tree somewhere in the Amazon jungle with sole purpose of producing oxygen you breathe. You should go find that tree and apologize." all_worth

How low can they go?

“The bar was on the ground and you grabbed a shovel” BlckAlchmst

That reminds me of one comment i read saying: ‘the bar was so low it was practically a tripping hazard in hell, yet here you are dancing limbo with the devil’.give_it_a_vodkashot

Series 2 Limbo GIF by BBC Three Giphy

"Having been born an infant, and realizing he quite liked it, he decided to stay one forever." overt-wan-kenobert

From Casablanca: ‘You probably think pretty poorly of me don't you?’”

"’I would if I gave you any thought’" koiven

These teachers got clap backs for days…

“I had a teacher tell some kid ‘Nothing you have to say is of any consequence...to anyone.’ He was an odd teacher who kinda talked like that, but it was his version of savage. The room lost its sh*t in unison.” glib_battling

“I had a guy sit behind me in English class let out of fart that reverberated off the wooden seat. The whole class heard it. The teacher said ‘that's the most intelligent thing you've said all year’. Pricelessmelbers22

The Best 'Actually, You're Speaking To The Boss' Experience | George Takei’s Oh Myyy

Bob Dylan…

​“Bob Dylan: One day, I wish you'd be in my shoes, so you could know... what a drag it is to see you.” WhatDaufuskie

I was at a karaoke 50th the other night and this one caught my eye. Thankfully I wasn't drunk enough to sing it. But I love this song for its sick burn. Poor old Edie. Bob really gave it to her that time.” crankenfranken

Down the Monty Python rabbit hole…

“Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt... of elderberries!” UpTwoDownOne

“Elderberries were the cheap replacement for grapes in making wine. That is basically ‘your father is a drunk and can't afford the good stuff’.” ukezi

“And hamsters have sex all the time with no regard for monogamy.” draconum_ggg

“So, ‘Your mother is being cheated on but is also a w*ore and you father is a drunk who is also broke’.” EmpanadaDeMayonesa2

Firefly insults…

​“‘My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a...middle.’ --Mal Reynolds”

"’It's not that I hate you, exactly; it's just that any admiration I have for you is well under control.’” FlourChild1026

Shakespeare master of insults…

“Straight from Shakespeare ‘I wish we could become better strangers’.” Dundeklil

“Also from Shakespeare: (Fallstaff, after Bardolf calls him fat) ‘Do thou amend thy face, and I'll amend my life.’” driving_andflying



Excuse us while we go grab the burn cream.

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