People Admit What Their Final Words Would Be Before They're Put To Death
If you clicked on this article expecting to read moving or thought-provoking takes on the idea of "last words" ... you'd be wrong. It turns out, when you ask Reddit users what their last words would be if they were being put to death, you get answers that are pretty, well, Reddity. That is to say they're witty, full of meta jokes, sometimes poignant and always kind of ridiculously brilliant.
Okay maybe one or two might make you think. You ready to see what happens when Reddit comes together to answer:
Click next and let's get started. Some entries have been edited or combined with comments so we could tell you guys the whole story or land a full joke. You're welcome.
Last Minute Bribery
whispering to the doctor: Don't forget to check my pulse and claim I'm dead when I fall asleep, payment will be made to you afterwords wink wink.
In a monotone voice: "unfortunate"
Story: we were sitting around a campfire one night and my buddy's chair broke. We hear a crack and look over as he is rolling onto the lawn trying not to spill his beer. As he's laying on the ground in a monotone voice he says "unfortunate" and that was it. I promised him if I could those would be my dying words.
Gratuitous Green Mile Reference
Don't put the hood on Boss, I's afraid of the dark.
They'll be too busy sobbing to stop me from escaping. That, or I get to mess with people one last time.
Krabby Patty Secret Formula
THE SECRET FORMULA TO THE KRABBY PATTY I-
That's when you just have to go into the long intro from the Krusty Krab Training Video.
Let Them Wonder Forever
I would murmur the bass line from Queen's Under Pressure while staring deeply into my executioner's eyes... forever leaving him wondering whether it was Under Pressure or _Ice Ice Baby. _That's Satan material.
"If the governor doesn't pardon me immediately, I will never vote for him again."
Hitchhiker's Guide To Execution
So long and thanks for all the fish!
"Hey prison guard, does this gas chamber smell like updog to you?"
"Not much man, how 'bout you?"
Then I escape as he bursts into uncontrollable laughter.
The Worst Pirate
"Let this day be remembered as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow!"
Ugh, It's Always Word Problems!
There is an island with 12 islanders. All of the islanders individually weigh exactly the same amount, except for one, who either weighs more or less than the other 11.
You must use a see-saw to figure out whose weight is different, and you may only use the see-saw 3 times. There are no scales or other weighing device on the island.
How can you find out which islander is the one that has a different weight?
Exploit That Musical Loophole!
"This is the song that never ends
It just goes on and on my friends
Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was
And they'll keep singing it forever just because
This is the song that never ends..."
"Pull the lever Kronk!"
Turns Out Some Of Us Are Dead Already
When do you think people die? When they are shot through the heart by the bullet of a pistol? No. When they are ravaged by an incurable disease? No. When they drink a soup made from a poisonous mushroom!? No! It's when... they are forgotten.
Kung Fu Challenge, Anyone?
While I regret my crimes, and the pain and damage that I have done, I must state at this time that I have been withholding one bit of information: I did not act alone. In fact, looking through the glass just now, I see my accomplice in this room. This person has pledged, upon the moment of my execution, to avenge my death by killing the person closest to him. My accomplice is a kung-fu master, and will certainly be able to commit this murder before any of you have time to react. Look around you. Do you think the person next to you is capable of killing you instantly? Let's find out, shall we?
Warden, you may proceed.
grabs mic hand gesture
What's the deal with execution ? A life long sentence is more painful. It's like if my lil brother is annoying me and I break his Batman Vs Super Man DVD instead of forcing him to watch it.
Cue Seinfeld bass line
"I can trace my run of bad luck back to 2004 when I didn't forward that email to 10 or more people in 3 minutes."
Great, Now We Want Pickles
WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB! SEE YOU IN HELL MOTHERF*CKERS!!!!
Executioner: Do you have any final words?
Me: Yes, just three
awkward silences as everybody present waits for my final words, not realizing that those were my final three words
Wrestling Is Life
Tell my children I love them. Tell my family all is forgiven. Tread gently upon this earth, and may your light shine brightly all of your days. I go on to a better place, but let us never forget that in 1998 the Undertaker threw Mankind off Hell in a Cell, and he plummeted 16 ft through an announcers table.
Finally Some Honesty
"Oh dear god please no I'll do anything please don't kill me."
People can pretend they would say something cool or act tough, I would be scared and crying like a baby.