
People Admit What Their Final Words Would Be Before They're Put To Death
[rebelmouse-image 18353892 is_animated_gif=If you clicked on this article expecting to read moving or thought-provoking takes on the idea of "last words" ... you'd be wrong. It turns out, when you ask Reddit users what their last words would be if they were being put to death, you get answers that are pretty, well, Reddity. That is to say they're witty, full of meta jokes, sometimes poignant and always kind of ridiculously brilliant.
Okay maybe one or two might make you think. You ready to see what happens when Reddit comes together to answer:
You've been sentenced to death (you totally did it), what are your last words?
Click next and let's get started. Some entries have been edited or combined with comments so we could tell you guys the whole story or land a full joke. You're welcome.
Last Minute Bribery
[rebelmouse-image 18353893 is_animated_gif=whispering to the doctor: Don't forget to check my pulse and claim I'm dead when I fall asleep, payment will be made to you afterwords wink wink.
"Unfortunate"
[rebelmouse-image 18353894 is_animated_gif=In a monotone voice: "unfortunate"
Story: we were sitting around a campfire one night and my buddy's chair broke. We hear a crack and look over as he is rolling onto the lawn trying not to spill his beer. As he's laying on the ground in a monotone voice he says "unfortunate" and that was it. I promised him if I could those would be my dying words.
Gratuitous Green Mile Reference
[rebelmouse-image 18353895 is_animated_gif=Don't put the hood on Boss, I's afraid of the dark.
They'll be too busy sobbing to stop me from escaping. That, or I get to mess with people one last time.
Krabby Patty Secret Formula
[rebelmouse-image 18353896 is_animated_gif=THE SECRET FORMULA TO THE KRABBY PATTY I-
That's when you just have to go into the long intro from the Krusty Krab Training Video.
Let Them Wonder Forever
[rebelmouse-image 18353898 is_animated_gif=I would murmur the bass line from Queen's Under Pressure while staring deeply into my executioner's eyes... forever leaving him wondering whether it was Under Pressure or _Ice Ice Baby. _That's Satan material.
Political Ploys
[rebelmouse-image 18353900 is_animated_gif="If the governor doesn't pardon me immediately, I will never vote for him again."
Hitchhiker's Guide To Execution
[rebelmouse-image 18353901 is_animated_gif=So long and thanks for all the fish!
Updog
[rebelmouse-image 18353902 is_animated_gif="Hey prison guard, does this gas chamber smell like updog to you?"
"What's updog?"
"Not much man, how 'bout you?"
Then I escape as he bursts into uncontrollable laughter.
The Worst Pirate
[rebelmouse-image 18353904 is_animated_gif="Let this day be remembered as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow!"
Ugh, It's Always Word Problems!
[rebelmouse-image 18353906 is_animated_gif=There is an island with 12 islanders. All of the islanders individually weigh exactly the same amount, except for one, who either weighs more or less than the other 11.
You must use a see-saw to figure out whose weight is different, and you may only use the see-saw 3 times. There are no scales or other weighing device on the island.
How can you find out which islander is the one that has a different weight?
Exploit That Musical Loophole!
[rebelmouse-image 18353907 is_animated_gif="This is the song that never ends
It just goes on and on my friends
Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was
And they'll keep singing it forever just because
This is the song that never ends..."
WRONG LEVEEEEER!
[rebelmouse-image 18353908 is_animated_gif="Pull the lever Kronk!"
Turns Out Some Of Us Are Dead Already
[rebelmouse-image 18353910 is_animated_gif=When do you think people die? When they are shot through the heart by the bullet of a pistol? No. When they are ravaged by an incurable disease? No. When they drink a soup made from a poisonous mushroom!? No! It's when... they are forgotten.
Kung Fu Challenge, Anyone?
[rebelmouse-image 18353911 is_animated_gif=While I regret my crimes, and the pain and damage that I have done, I must state at this time that I have been withholding one bit of information: I did not act alone. In fact, looking through the glass just now, I see my accomplice in this room. This person has pledged, upon the moment of my execution, to avenge my death by killing the person closest to him. My accomplice is a kung-fu master, and will certainly be able to commit this murder before any of you have time to react. Look around you. Do you think the person next to you is capable of killing you instantly? Let's find out, shall we?
Warden, you may proceed.
Seinfeld
[rebelmouse-image 18353912 is_animated_gif=grabs mic hand gesture
What's the deal with execution ? A life long sentence is more painful. It's like if my lil brother is annoying me and I break his Batman Vs Super Man DVD instead of forcing him to watch it.
Cue Seinfeld bass line
Email Chains
[rebelmouse-image 18353914 is_animated_gif="I can trace my run of bad luck back to 2004 when I didn't forward that email to 10 or more people in 3 minutes."
Great, Now We Want Pickles
[rebelmouse-image 18353915 is_animated_gif=WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB! SEE YOU IN HELL MOTHERF*CKERS!!!!
Awkward SIlence
[rebelmouse-image 18353916 is_animated_gif=Executioner: Do you have any final words?
Me: Yes, just three
awkward silences as everybody present waits for my final words, not realizing that those were my final three words
Wrestling Is Life
[rebelmouse-image 18353917 is_animated_gif=Tell my children I love them. Tell my family all is forgiven. Tread gently upon this earth, and may your light shine brightly all of your days. I go on to a better place, but let us never forget that in 1998 the Undertaker threw Mankind off Hell in a Cell, and he plummeted 16 ft through an announcers table.
Finally Some Honesty
[rebelmouse-image 18353918 is_animated_gif="Oh dear god please no I'll do anything please don't kill me."
People can pretend they would say something cool or act tough, I would be scared and crying like a baby.
H/T: Reddit
Have you ever heard of a certain job that people call a career and thought... "PEOPLE PAY YOU FOR THAT?!?!"
All hard, honest work is good work.
And then there is just trash work.
And I don't mean garbage collection, that is honest work.
I don't know how some people live with themselves.
Redditor MrTuxedo1 wanted to discuss the careers they don't believe people should chase. They asked:
"What job do you have no respect for?"
Ticket scalpers. How do you the audacity to say that's a job?
Actual burglars have more empathy.
Disrespectful
"There are debt collectors who call relatives of the deceased to pay off their debts when they are not legally obligated to."
Top_Gun_2021
Shady. Shady.
"Australian Real Estate Agents. Laws don't seem to apply to them. Just as dodgy in sales and rentals alike. Never seen anything like it overseas."
snave_
"I'm in the US, it can vary state by state but my state is pretty strict on realtor laws. Some states require attorney review and there are definitely penalties for being reported for shady sh*t. It does require consumer reporting though."
ilostmytaco
Etransfer
"Where I live, tax info was leaked and now scammers are targeting low income individuals/families (people earning under 30,000 per year) with etransfer scams. I got one the other day that was an etransfer warning that 240$ 'a family member sent me' was about to expire."
SnowyInuk
"That’s disgusting. The scammers know what they’re doing, they know the harm they cause people and yet they don’t care."
surelysandwitch
Should be illegal...
"MLM managers. Not the low level idiots that get suckered into it, they suck too for trying to bring new people into that sh*tshow, but the people who create them know exactly what they are doing and are pretty much the only ones who profit off of it. Should be illegal. Pyramid schemes are illegal. None of them ever get the just desserts except occasionally by vigilantes I assume."
Wereno
I hate debt collectors. Yeah, you calling me one hundred times a week is going to miraculously make money appear.
Animals
"Paparazzi."
VictorBlimpmuscle
"I met Jack Gleeson (King Joffrey from Game of Thrones) at a bus stop in Dublin. Really nice guy but he said he quit acting due to people being nasty online and constant hounding from paparrazi. He's happier now but it sucks that he was pushed away from a career he was quite good at."
goobi94
Scumbags
"The pastors at mega churches whom ask their followers for money for private jets. Absolute scum to abuse others faith for your own greed."
ichancho
"Brian Tamaki is a greedy freaking pig, he takes advantage of so many people who are already struggling. Every time he’s in the local news (which btw is often) I get more and more pissed off at him and his wife. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Tamaki "
surelysandwitch
it’s a thing???
“'Dating Expert.' Sadly it’s a thing. It’s basically a self appointed title that requires no training or qualifications. What’s worse, is that I have a female friend who uses one. It’s very much a blind leading the blind situation."
Mean_Manufacturer_61
"Most of the self proclaimed “dating coaches” I know are women in their late 30s or early 40s who have never been married or had a longer relationship."
ipozgaj
EVIL
"Poachers. Especially big game poachers who purposefully hunt nearly extinct animals from species they know they are on the brink."
"I know there are poachers that come from rural villages who are trying to just put food on the table, which has my sympathy but poachers who come from money and hunt down animals minding their business in most shelters or restricted areas just to put a head on their wall as a trophy are absolutely heinous."
GetterdoneObiwan
I See It All
"Psychic Mediums. Specifically those who prey on the grieving."
JamesDeadite
"I've always found it interesting how many magicians go after people like this. I think it's because they know what it takes to trick people for the art. The slight of hand and mentalism. And they abhor people who use these tactics for such sh*tty purposes."
34HoldOn
I want so bad to believe in psychics and mediums. What say we on that topic?
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The nose is constantly being attacked by odors of the world.
Going through one day without having to hold my breath during a certain point, is a miracle.
Of course, I'm a New Yorker, so I maybe exaggerating for people in the countryside.
What's funnier is odors that are pleasant, that shouldn't be.
Have you ever looked and something and thought... "yuck."
But then you smelled it and it was like... "oh lovely,"
Redditor HappQueue wanted to know what aromas are arousing to the senses that may come as a surprise to many. They asked:
"What smells good but shouldn't?"
For some odd reason I love the things burning. Anything, food, pots, pans. You name it. Weird.
Blow
"Matches/candles on a birthday cake. I remember lighting matches as a kid purely to blow them out and inhale that sweet match-y smell."
semispooked
"guilty good"
"I work at a Chemical plant. We make a highly acidic product that is dark blue, viscus, highly corrosive, and smells exactly like Fruit Loops. It is incredibly disturbing."
Turin082
"Organic chemistry has many 'guilty good' smells. Thiophosgene (sulfur derivative of a chemical weapon used extensively in WW1) apparently smells like meat. Phosgene is used to make polycarbonate, thiophosgene is used to make some sulfur-containing molecules which eventually end up in therapeutic drugs."
HammerTh_1701
I can't huff it...
"Paint, specifically house paint. I love the smell. But anytime I hear that anyone is painting a room or their house, I volunteer. I just love sitting on the floor in a room that's been freshly painted, closing my eyes and just inhaling that slightly chemically, slightly creamy aroma."
Neowza
A Hint of French...
"A fish and chips shop burnt down as couple blocks from work a few years ago. The whole neighborhood smelled amazing for days. Just the slight hint of French fries. Nothing overpowering. It was so awesome. Until I found out someone was trapped in the fire and died."
stevey_frac
Drag
"Race fuel. Instantly puts me in a good mood as it reminds me of going to the drag races with my dad when I was young."
garfnodie
Fuel and matches get me too. And they sort of go together. Interesting.
Just like the Movie...
"The water from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Mmm, bromine."
Stalkerslovemy
"This is one of my favorite scents of all time, and Disney is very aware that people enjoy it. Evidently it’s a lot harder to recreate than just adding bromine to water."
cash4panties
"black widow".
"There's a chicken wing restaurant near my house that has a challenge sauce called "black widow." The owner claims it to be around 500,000 scovilles. A few years back some buddies and I decided to try them, the sauce was a dark molasses color and smelled almost like a BBQ sauce, no hint of the danger that lurked at all. We each grabbed one wing and it went terribly. I don't know how something so spicy could smell so innocent."
Final-Chapter
Endless Weekend
"Hotel/rented rooms whenever you go on vacation. There's this particular smell that just says 'you are on vacation,' especially on a beach/swimming trips/out-of-the-town vacays."
Yummy_Llama
"Bath and Body Works has a plug-in scent called Endless Weekend that replicates that scent (to my humble nose)."
Exxcentrica
"oh no..."
"Someone you are attracted to's body odors. Anyone else who is slightly unhygienic smells repulsive."
Mini_gunslinger
"I remember back in high school a girl leaned over, sniffed me, told me that I smelled really good, and asked me what cologne I was wearing. I asked if she was joking, and she's like, no, you smell really good. When I told her I had just gotten done with gym class, she gets a small 'oh no...' look on her face and turns away. I think we both had a revelation that day."
user deleted
That Smell
"The smell inflatable things give off. I have no idea how to describe it, but it’s… nostalgic? to me."
crestfxllen
I do love the smell of plastics and inflatables. Ahh....
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At one point in time, we've misplaced things that we've considered priceless possessions.
It's hard to imagine how to go on without the lost object–whatever it may be–but over time, it becomes a distant memory and we move on.
That is until we magically find ourselves presented with this opportunity proposed by Redditor mikehotel288, who asked:
"You find yourself in a room with everything you’ve ever lost in your life. What do you look for first?"
There are necessities people cannot do without.
No More Dry Lips Ever Again
"Gonna be a lot of chapstick in that room."
– camefromxbox
There are things that bring us comfort and are irreplaceable.
Safety Blanket
"My baby blanket. It became tattered over the years—to the point where I couldn’t reasonably wash it anymore—so I had to throw it away a little while back."
"I have heavily regretted that decision. I was really attached to it (hence it being in tatters), but I really wish that I kept what was left of it instead of throwing it away. Just knowing that I’d still have it would be a huge comfort to me."
– Uearie
Sentimental Heirloom
"The pendant my dad had made for me with my grandmother’s engagement diamond. It was 2 carats. It disappeared from a Las Vegas hotel room 20 years ago. It was hidden deep in a suitcase where it would not have been easy to find. It was just GONE. Cops didn’t do anything. Didn’t even come to take my statement. Cleaning lady said she thought she saw an elderly man enter my room. The guy I was with was not sympathetic in the least. Entire situation was f**ked. I’m still so upset about it."
– MaritimeDisaster
Lone Shark
"My plastic shark toy I lost when I was 10. Ain't no f'king way it just VANISHED."
– Guilty_As_Charged__
Not everything lost is tangible.
Tick Tock
"The time I wasted."
– shinyfennec
It Holds Value
"My private key with 6 BTC in it."
– Significant_Mirror19
"I didn't lose one, but I'll check my room for yours just in case."
– Smodphan
Finding Purpose
"The reason I walked into the room."
– Lloyd_lyle
Lost Opportunity
"That one girl i spoke to on omegle lol"
– h-amishh
If only we get to reunite with those we've lost.
The Loved Family Member
"My grandpa."
– Splatty_boi_420
Grieving Parent
"My daughter. She’ll be in my brother’s arms. So I’ll find both things I care to look for."
– SeeTheFence
Missing Mom
"My mom. She died of cancer in 2017. She never got to meet my daughter. I miss the hell out of her and wish she was still part of my family’s life."
– X-Arkturis-X
The Animals That Come Into Our Lives
"My pets that have passed: especially my horse, Blue. It's been 4 years, but it feels like just yesterday."
– Baciandrio
While many of these scenarios are unlikely, the thread gave people an opportunity to reflect on the things that made a strong impression on their lives.
Sometimes, the memories of the things we've lost–whether they are random objects or sources of love–is all we have.
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What's worse than returning home from a night out or a workday and discovering your home was broken into? Being home when the break-in happens.
Home invasions are a common trope portrayed in horror films like The Strangers and Funny Games, and they're absolutely terrifying because they are based on real-life incidents.
Redditor silentagent47 asked strangers to consider this horrifying hypothetical.
"You have 5 minutes to prepare before a guy breaks into your house with the intention to kill you. You can not exit your house. What is your strategy to survive?"
The hunter becomes the hunted, inspired by TV and movies.
Duplicating A Scene
"There was an episode of Burn Notice where Michael puts aerosol cans in the microwave with kitchen utensils and hits popcorn button. I really want to know if this works or not."
– JohnSterlingSanchez
Epic Burglar Trap
"Speed-watch Home Alone."
– pluribusduim
It's about the choice of weapon.
Jump Scare
"I get the vacuum cleaner ready in a certain room, I turn it on as hes about to enter to create a distraction, then I jump out when he's inspecting the noise and bonk the f'ker on the head with the piece of 2 inch steel tube I keep as a weapon."
– BustedBastard
Beware of Dog
"Unleash the Hounds"
– myassonreddit
Make A Weapon
"Duct tape a bunch of knives to the end of one of those tall lamps to make a spear of blinding and then proceed to go sicko mode."
– DubTheeBustocles
Preparing For A Thwack
"Turn shower on, for some reason I have a shovel behind my wardrobe?? So grab that. Wait for him to check shower, whack with shovel. Boom."
– hypersp00p
It's Just A Game
"Corner camp with a shotgun."
– Arrow3619
A Warm Welcome
"Hairspray and a lighter to his face."
– WorkingClassSheep
The effectiveness of these tactics are questionable, but points for creativity are warranted.
Stand Still
"Put a lamp shade on my head and stand in the corner of the room."
– Cannabis_Sir
Make It Erotic
"I turn on all the lights, take off all my clothes, rub butter all over myself, and start a fake conversation on the phone. As soon as he breaks in I say into the phone: 'I’ve gotta go, my next appointment is finally here…”
– FrankieTheAlchemist
Forget The Stairs
"Go to the LIVING ROOM."
– on-oath-never-again
Removing The Element Of Fun
"Draw an X on my forehead and grab a beer."
– Candycoatedmuffin3
And that's why I would opt for living in a commune or apartment complex.
People who own houses are just asking for forced entry.
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