People Admit What Their Final Words Would Be Before They're Put To Death
If you clicked on this article expecting to read moving or thought-provoking takes on the idea of "last words" ... you'd be wrong. It turns out, when you ask Reddit users what their last words would be if they were being put to death, you get answers that are pretty, well, Reddity. That is to say they're witty, full of meta jokes, sometimes poignant and always kind of ridiculously brilliant.
Okay maybe one or two might make you think. You ready to see what happens when Reddit comes together to answer:
You've been sentenced to death (you totally did it), what are your last words?
Click next and let's get started. Some entries have been edited or combined with comments so we could tell you guys the whole story or land a full joke. You're welcome.
Last Minute Bribery
whispering to the doctor: Don't forget to check my pulse and claim I'm dead when I fall asleep, payment will be made to you afterwords wink wink.
"Unfortunate"
In a monotone voice: "unfortunate"
Story: we were sitting around a campfire one night and my buddy's chair broke. We hear a crack and look over as he is rolling onto the lawn trying not to spill his beer. As he's laying on the ground in a monotone voice he says "unfortunate" and that was it. I promised him if I could those would be my dying words.
Gratuitous Green Mile Reference
Don't put the hood on Boss, I's afraid of the dark.
They'll be too busy sobbing to stop me from escaping. That, or I get to mess with people one last time.
Krabby Patty Secret Formula
THE SECRET FORMULA TO THE KRABBY PATTY I-
That's when you just have to go into the long intro from the Krusty Krab Training Video.
Let Them Wonder Forever
I would murmur the bass line from Queen's Under Pressure while staring deeply into my executioner's eyes... forever leaving him wondering whether it was Under Pressure or _Ice Ice Baby. _That's Satan material.
Political Ploys
"If the governor doesn't pardon me immediately, I will never vote for him again."
Hitchhiker's Guide To Execution
So long and thanks for all the fish!
Updog
"Hey prison guard, does this gas chamber smell like updog to you?"
"What's updog?"
"Not much man, how 'bout you?"
Then I escape as he bursts into uncontrollable laughter.
The Worst Pirate
"Let this day be remembered as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow!"
Ugh, It's Always Word Problems!
There is an island with 12 islanders. All of the islanders individually weigh exactly the same amount, except for one, who either weighs more or less than the other 11.
You must use a see-saw to figure out whose weight is different, and you may only use the see-saw 3 times. There are no scales or other weighing device on the island.
How can you find out which islander is the one that has a different weight?
Exploit That Musical Loophole!
"This is the song that never ends
It just goes on and on my friends
Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was
And they'll keep singing it forever just because
This is the song that never ends..."
WRONG LEVEEEEER!
"Pull the lever Kronk!"
Turns Out Some Of Us Are Dead Already
When do you think people die? When they are shot through the heart by the bullet of a pistol? No. When they are ravaged by an incurable disease? No. When they drink a soup made from a poisonous mushroom!? No! It's when... they are forgotten.
Kung Fu Challenge, Anyone?
While I regret my crimes, and the pain and damage that I have done, I must state at this time that I have been withholding one bit of information: I did not act alone. In fact, looking through the glass just now, I see my accomplice in this room. This person has pledged, upon the moment of my execution, to avenge my death by killing the person closest to him. My accomplice is a kung-fu master, and will certainly be able to commit this murder before any of you have time to react. Look around you. Do you think the person next to you is capable of killing you instantly? Let's find out, shall we?
Warden, you may proceed.
Seinfeld
grabs mic hand gesture
What's the deal with execution ? A life long sentence is more painful. It's like if my lil brother is annoying me and I break his Batman Vs Super Man DVD instead of forcing him to watch it.
Cue Seinfeld bass line
Email Chains
"I can trace my run of bad luck back to 2004 when I didn't forward that email to 10 or more people in 3 minutes."
Great, Now We Want Pickles
WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB! SEE YOU IN HELL MOTHERF*CKERS!!!!
Awkward SIlence
Executioner: Do you have any final words?
Me: Yes, just three
awkward silences as everybody present waits for my final words, not realizing that those were my final three words
Wrestling Is Life
Tell my children I love them. Tell my family all is forgiven. Tread gently upon this earth, and may your light shine brightly all of your days. I go on to a better place, but let us never forget that in 1998 the Undertaker threw Mankind off Hell in a Cell, and he plummeted 16 ft through an announcers table.
Finally Some Honesty
"Oh dear god please no I'll do anything please don't kill me."
People can pretend they would say something cool or act tough, I would be scared and crying like a baby.
H/T: Reddit
I once had a customer complain I didn't read the menu to her.
Not make suggestions, but literally read the menu to her.
"you guys have a great day"
Giphy"Working in retail I once said 'you guys have a great day' I was reported by an elderly women who objected to not being addressed as 'ma'am'."
"She also objected to 'have a great day' because she had come into the aquarium store because her fish was dead and she was upset that someone would tell her to 'have a great day' when her fish had died."
A measly grand?
"I got sued in small claims court by a mentally ill man who said I stole $1000 worth of roast beef and 2 sun tanning lights from him."
"It got continued twice and by the time we had our day in court, he forgot what he sued me for and just went off on a tirade about me being an a**hole."
On Camera
"I once had a complaint filed against me for calling someone a slur in the elevator. My boss called me in, and we watched the camera footage from the elevator."
"Me and the other person were talking and having a good conversation and laughing with each other. My boss just said 'yeah I watched it earlier and I have no idea what they are talking about'."
"So someone tried to get me fired for no reason."
(manager and up)
"I once was told there was a high-level (manager and up) meeting being held about me… on account of my emails being written too well. :/ "
"I can write quick, well-worded emails, and someone in upper management thought that I must have been spending too much time writing my emails, possibly as a means of appearing to be superior to others."
Closed
Giphy"I worked at McDonalds. A man put a complaint in because I wouldn't let him in after we'd already shut."
Yeah, closed means closed.
You had time to get there during open hours. See you tomorrow.
We have lives too.
No thank you...
Giphy"Got a complaint filed against me by a customer for unnecessary rudeness because I turned down a guy's offer to take me out on a date."
"He asked me (repeatedly) while I was working. Dude was at least in his mid 40s; I was 16."
a scarlet letter...
"When I was a teenager working at an ice cream store, a secret shopper wrote that I was 'friendly but did not smile'."
"This write up was posted on the bulletin board like it was a scarlet letter of shame and the manager talked to me about smiling more."
"30 years later, I am still friendly but unsmiling."
A Little Off
"I had a coworker from a different department call me this morning and threatened me for something his boss had done regarding something I have no control over."
"I eventually got him to sheepishly admit that there was nothing I had control over in the situation and he was mad his boss had made the decision without consulting him first."
"Government work attracts some odd balls."
I hate retail!
"I was working in a lighting store (ceiling lights, chandeliers, etc). Secret shoppers would get sent over to us every so often and they were usually pretty obvious."
"This guy claimed he needed ceiling fans for his home so I go through the whole thing finding fans that work in his rooms, suit the design of his home, airflow needs, etc. But obviously without a specific need to buy something requiring electrical wiring this guy left without purchasing."
"He wrote that I was excellent in every way but didn't try to upsell him anything."
"At the next staff meeting the manager read this out, tried shame me in front of everyone and stressed that we need to try and sell people crap they don't even need."
"How the heck do I upsell a damn ceiling fan? 'Hey would you like a $2000 crystal chandelier with your fans? How about a set of garden lights?' I hate retail."
Stay Literate...
Read Friends Tv GIFGiphy"I once had a coworker file an HR complaint against me for reading books at lunch."
"I told HR that he's probably just offended I'm not reading hardcore pornography magazines on the clock like he does."
I'm so glad I work at home with only dogs and a cat.
And when I go outside I avoid eye contact for all of these reasons.
Find some inner peace folks.
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Farewell
Giphy"Say goodbye to all my friends, go outside and take my dog on a long walk and then back home to have pizza and await my fate."
Eat Wherever
"Eat McDonald's at a Burger King. What they gonna do, send me to jail for life."
"I'd buy two large fries and two large cokes at Mcdonald's and take them over to Burger King and order two whoppers for lunch."
"I know this is satire, but a buddy of mine once got kicked out of a McDonald's lobby for bringing in KFC. We were all in high school and meeting to do homework but instead we all ended up leaving."
You've Got Mail
"Send out a chain message to everyone I know saying that if you don't share this with 10 people, the person you received this message from will die tomorrow."
"Plus add on that if the people they share it to don't share it to 10 other people, they will die themselves."
- Jhawk163
Go Big!
"If I'm guaranteed 24 hours alive I will do a ton of extremely dangerous crap because I can't die until the 24 hours are up."
"You could get badly injured and live your last hours suffering in a hospital sooo..."
"Morphine drip is how a lot of us go anyhow. Doesn't seem so bad."
Bank robber?
Well that should keep the time lively, but I don't understand doing things that could cut short what little time there already is.
To each their own, I guess.
Out & About
Giphy"If I'm gonna die, then they might as well know. I'm coming out, doing what I want for once and having the most comforting day in my life."
Expose it All
"Tell everyone I love how I feel and then get all my passwords and crap in order so people can close out all my online activities. Then go hold my wife until I die... well, probably I'll go sit in the emergency room to die so my wife doesn't have to remember me dying in her arms the rest of her life."
Free $$$
"Rack up as much debt as I can buying expensive things and hiding them for my family to find later (after the estate has been sorted out)."
"Makes me wonder if I have 50k in CC debt and 75k in the bank, does my family get all 75 or will the bank be legally entitled to get 50k back?"
"The banks get 50k and your family gets the leftovers. If you don't have enough money then your estate is dissolved and your family gets nothing, the debt goes away (unless someone tricks your fam into paying the debt with their money)."
- OHYAMTB
Send the Message
"Spend the 24 hours with my kids and family cultivating a few last precious memories for them. Also a few hours staving off sleep recording messages for them to be able to listen to when they are older - things they aren't old enough to hear, but I would like them to hear from me when they are ready for the message."
I don't know anymore...
"Well, I wouldn't live long enough to face the consequences for whatever I do, so I'd do some things I see as bad ideas at the moment:"
"I'd cuss out my most hated person in the world. Forget that guy."
"I'd tell my best friend (former best friend? I don't know anymore...) how I feel about them, and apologize for hiding it."
"Other than that, I dunno what I'd do, maybe spend time with friends or family or panic. Make sure to let everyone know that I wouldn't be around much longer."
Where to Begin?
Giphy"Fix my will, delete all electronics, call a firm to take my stuff to goodwill, call a real estate agent and put apartment for sale, give my organs to hospital. And if time, I reckon a good nap and massage would be nice too."
Is there really a best way to spend your last 24 hours?
You can't travel, that's time consuming. There will always be so much more to do.
Que será, será, I suppose.
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