Guy's Masculine BF Slams Him For Wearing Makeup And The Internet Won't Stand For It
Gender identity and sexual politics can be difficult to navigate, but in this day and age they don't hold up as excuses to negate each other.
Gay couple, boyfriend [26M] doesn’t like me [24M] wearing make-up
Let me start off by saying, I've always been a feminine guy. Growing up, I hung out almost exclusively with girls because I liked their games, toys and just the way of playing a lot better. I was raised in an atheist household and wasn't burdened with homophobia coming from my family, but I was bullied extensively at school because of my appearance and interests. I am naturally extroverted but this experience made me withdrawn and awkward, I even developed selective mutism in middle school and became extremely self-conscious. To avoid being teased, I'd go to great lengths to mask my natural tone of voice and mannerism so I could blend in with the crowd more easily.
It was only when I left my hometown for college that I was able to live more authentically. I studied art history and our department was full of queer and gender non-conforming people. No one cared about the way you presented yourself, in fact, I felt encouraged to be myself. I decided to embrace everything that others wanted me to feel ashamed about: my sexuality, interests, looks, voice, etc. At this time, I started experimenting with wearing make-up and nail polish because I loved watching YouTube tutorials on this topic and I always used to do it for my friends but I was too intimidated to try it on myself. I decided I really liked the way it made me feel – I could hide pimples or bumps on a bad skin day, bring out my eyes with mascara and eyeliner or shape my eyebrows. I don't do it on a daily basis, mostly for special occasions, nights out, or when I just want to boost up my confidence.
Before getting together with my current boyfriend, I was in a four-year relationship with another guy my age who was more of a typical man's man than I am but he was always supportive of my interests and didn't care that I was feminine. This is why I didn't feel like "I like to wear make-up here and there" was something I would have to negotiate in a relationship. But my boyfriend of six months now, who is pretty outwardly masculine, was kind of shocked the first time I told him I wanted to put on mascara and eye-shadow before going out dancing. He didn't stop me from doing it but I could tell that he was uncomfortable while we were out. We had a talk about it when we came home and he couldn't understand why I would ever want to wear make-up as a guy. I explained to him that it makes me feel good and confident but from what I understood, in his mind, he equated this to drag and crossdressing and thought I might want to be a woman. He comes from a more traditional household and works in construction so he's never really had contact with queer (other than gay) people like I have during my studies. I told him I couldn't go back to hiding who I was, not even for him, and he promised to try and learn more about gender non-conformity and work towards accepting this part of me.
The problem is he hasn't fulfilled that promise. We got into a pretty bad fight recently because I wanted to wear make-up when we attended his (female) friend's bachelorette party. All of the girls agreed to wear red lipstick as an inside joke and they asked me if I wanted to join in too, since they knew I might be interested. I agreed and my boyfriend was out of his mind when he found out. He said I was embarrassing him on purpose and that everyone would think we were a joke. I pointed out that people who thought gay couples were a joke would continue to think so regardless of the make-up and that wasn't our problem but I could tell he was still mad and thought I didn't take his concerns seriously.
In the end, I compromised and passed on the lipstick for that evening and although we still had a good time, I actually hate that I did that. I feel like I'm being pushed back into the closet by my own boyfriend, who's supposed to be the one person to support me even when no one else does. I love him, but I can never be that kid I was in school again. I understand his bringing-up was different and that he also feels the pressure to conform as a gay man but I don't think it's our job to change in order to accommodate others. I just don't know how I can make him understand my point of view.
TL;DR I'm a feminine gay man who sometimes wears make-up. My current boyfriend is more masculine and traditional and he can't come to terms with this part of me. I'm feeling divided between his wish to conform with social expectations and my identity and I'm not sure how to proceed.
Here was some of the advice he got.
One
I think it's still early in the relationship, and though he's off to a bad start on keeping his word, you need to call him out on this and let him know he's not doing what he said he would do.
I highly, highly doubt those girls asked you if you wanted to wear lipstick to make fun of you. Idk if you know, but a lot of girls love gay guys. They wanted to make you feel included.
But if you continue to see him making little to no effort to accept you, then you may have no choice but to leave him.
Two
You need to be you. I don't think this is the right guy for you. I'd hate to see someone inching back into the closet for their partner. It really sucks that he didn't let you take part of the red lipstick thing at the party. It sounds like everyone else wanted to include you and you wanted to do it and he stopped that for you.
Three
That wasn't a compromise. A compromise is where you meet in the middle. This was both of you wanting conflicting things, and you not getting the thing you wanted and him getting the thing he did. I'm not saying he's an awful person, but he's going to have to learn to accept this part of you if he wants to date you, because otherwise the 'compromise' looks like it'll be you making yourself smaller and sadder for someone else, and receiving nothing you shouldn't be receiving as part of a relationship anyway.
Four
How does he react if you wear some make up at home?
He might be having trouble because he feels he needs to conform. Plenty of people feel that, even the most straight, cis, gender-conforming people. As a species we tend towards conforming in like groups.
If you feel like he is trying to make an effort, I'd suggest you occasionally use make up at home to get him used to it. If you only wear it to occasions, and he's focused on fitting in (as he perceives it), it could be driving some of his reaction.
If he's stuck on his "guys don't wear make up", you two are just not compatible.
Five
I don't understand the problem...
Your bf has already said he is uncomfortable with parts if you, and is only happy when you're not being you.
He understands perfectly fine, he just doesn't like it.
Wear the make up wherever you want. If he has issues, then they are HIS issues. Not yours.
You are right, a partner should support you being you.
He should... or find someone that does.
It really is that simple.
Six
While he's allowed to want to date someone that won't wear makeup, its not his place to control you and your self expression over his discomfort - not when he had, and still has, the opportunity to break up if it's a dealbreaker for him.
Saying he's willing to put more effort into learning about gender nonconformity, etc, is useless when he wont actually do so. unless he is willing to love you for who you are, a relationship like this just doesn't sound healthy to me, especially when it comes to something harmless, and especially when you've already spent a lot of your life having to suppress who you are.
(I'm a mostly closeted lesbian, i get how shitty it is to feel like you have to hide parts of yourself just to feel accepted. you deserve better than to have to go back to that.) You deserve someone that loves every part of you, or at least someone who wont be a jerk about it. he cant even refrain from doing that.
Especially the fact that he seems to think you're doing this to embarrass him seems like a lack of good faith - i would want the person I'm dating to take my word for it if i told them its for self expression.
I know this sub jumps to the whole breaking up thing a lot, and i don't know how often you've discussed this with him besides the conversations you've mentioned, so it would probably be good to sit down with him again to share your perspective on things and let him share yours. but if he cant get over the fact that this is part of who you are, then sadly you might both be better off separated. whatever the result may be, i do hope things work out for the best!
Seven
I'm not gay or LGBT+ in any way so my opinion probably won't count because I don't know what it's all like for you.
But, makeup isn't just feminine. Even historically it was worn by men too. The idea of it being exclusively for women is just BS thanks to the way society has developed. Once upon a time, women didn't wear trousers because they were too 'masculine'. Now pretty much everyone does.
Most importantly though is, you do you. Don't change anything about yourself to make others happy. You have to put your own happiness first. If your boyfriend can't deal with you wearing makeup, he needs to ship out and let you be with someone who totally supports you.
Eight
It sounds like your boyfriend is still hasn't been exposed to a lot of diversity in the LGBTQ community and might be insecure still. Which sounds exhausting for you to have to educate him. Are there any social LGBTQ groups or events near yall ? Is there a chance he finds makeup unattractive? Would not being able to wear makeup be a deal breaker for you?
Nine
I can almost guarantee that some of the female commenters/readers who have CIS boyfriends/husbands would lose their sh-t if they started wearing makeup, but expect a gay man to be completely okay with it just because he's not straight. And that it must be bullsh-t like 'internalized homophobia'.
Unless you would be completely fine with your male partner going out with you, wearing bring red lipstick, mascara and foundation- you're in no position to judge.
That said, OP you deserve to be able to be yourself. Unfortunately you may not be able to do that with your current boyfriend. And that's okay. It's okay for him to have preferences. It's okay for you to try to come to an understanding. It's also okay for you to leave him if he can't be happy with the way you want to be. I hope you manage to sort things out!
Ten
I think there could be certain circumstances where him asking you to not wear makeup would be ok. For example, meeting his family, attending a ceremony or reception or maybe something related to his work. Not that it's right per se, just that I would get him being uncomfortable about it at those times. Agreeing to not wear makeup during those types of events would be compromising if in return he didn't give you a hard time the other times you DO choose to wear makeup.
But you have to talk to him and determine if he's actually willing to "try" to get used to you wearing makeup or what he really meant was, I'm not ok with it and I'm going to push back every time my bf tries, until HE stops doing it. Have the conversation and then if he says he'll make an effort I say start wearing makeup more. Nothing crazy, but if you two go to dinner, throw on a winged liner and do your brows. Actually get him used to you wearing makeup as a semi-regular thing. If he's not willing to compromise and was only paying you lip service, you'll know pretty quickly.
Comedy is in a very tricky place right now.
There is so much to NOT laugh about in this world.
In truth, many of us have forgotten how to laugh.
And certain jokes that are told, make people afraid to laugh.
So what do we do?
We tell inappropriate jokes apparently.
Let's hear some...
Redditor CrewCreation wanted to hear some "risky" comedy. So they asked:
"What’s the best morbid joke you know?"
***WARNING: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS SENSITIVE MATERIAL. PROCEED WITH CAUTION!***
I can't think of anything hilarious at the moment. Make us LOL.
Lady
"I have this friend, love him to bits, but his wife has a tendency of just constantly showing everyone pictures of their son at every social event. At the start it was understandable, but now I'm just like 'Lady, it's been two years; they're not going to find him.'"
UnoriginalUse
at 9am...
"Not the most morbid but I love Anthony Jeselnik’s story about his neighbor who has Alzheimer’s. 'One of my next door neighbors is a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s. And every single morning at 9am he knocks on my door and asks me if I have seen his wife.'"
"'Which means that every single morning at 9am I have to explain to a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now I’ve thought about moving. I have thought about just not answering my door in the morning. But to be honest, it’s worth it… just to see the smile on his face.”
dreagan021
Comedy?
"Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is."
GW2RNGR
"Why can't orphans play tennis? They get confused when they hear love."
JayDub506
People who make comedy are evil. LOL.
The Darkness
"Dark humor is like food; not everyone gets it."
storm_the_castle
God Laughs?
"A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven, where she meets God. To break the tension she tells God a joke about the Holocaust, but God doesn’t laugh. The lady shrugs and says 'I guess you had to be there.'"
“'I guess you had to be there' is a common expression used when someone doesn’t laugh at a joke. It means that the comedy may not translate without the context of the situation."
"In this case the Holocaust survivor is saying it, meaning that during the Holocaust God was nowhere to be found. It’s not really a joke about the Holocaust, but the absurdity of belief in a benevolent God. Hilarious right?"
semimillennial
Oh Baby
"How many dead babies does it take to fix a light bulb? More than 3 cause my garage is still dark."
sirnibs3
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Because I don't know what it says about us as people if we laugh. Oye.
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Life can change in an instant.
It can always change for the better.
Just ask any lottery winner.
Sadly, life can also take a turn for the worst and leave people shattered beyond repair.
Watching someone's life fall apart in a short amount of time is difficult.
You have to wonder if there really is such a thing as karma, bad luck, or Voodoo.
Redditor OkImagination5852 wanted to hear about the times we've been witness to personal disaster. They asked:
"People who witness a person's life crumble in a single day, what happened?"
I have lived through a lot of bad days. But thankfully they've been one disaster at a time days. So I guess I'm lucky.
Horror
"A friend of a friend had his entire family killed overnight. He was from my college and was home visiting his family. His parents, siblings, and extended family were all there together. One night, while they were all asleep, his father got up, took out a gun, and went on a shooting spree. He then killed himself."
"Everyone except this guy died on the spot. When my friend visited him at the hospital, the guy was still in shock. He had no idea why his father did that. This was more than a decade ago, and I have no idea how he's doing now."
DeadOnDeparture98
The IRS Called
"Knew a guy who had a nice house, wife, 3 kids. Machine shop in his garage, Snap On tool truck, sign out front, great mechanic. Never incorporated, didn't pay taxes on his business, cash only. Took nice vacations, bought a boat, then a camper. Five years later, the IRS came. I don't know what they estimated he owed but they seized everything. He lives alone in a trailer now."
Nobody_Wins_13
2 at Once
"My mom’s dad and dad’s mom both died on the same day. Completely unrelated. We were pretty messed up for awhile. It was 2010. Mom's dad had emphysema (lifetime smoker) and was pretty sick for a few weeks. I was in college at the time and came home to be with him, because we knew he was about to pass. Dad's mom was in the nursing home, as she had had a stroke and also had dementia (she often thought I was my dad, she thought we were in the 70s, etc.)."
"She took a turn for the worst, and so my dad left the hospice my grandpa was at and went to be with her. The towns they were in were about an hour apart, so I stayed behind with my mom to comfort her when her dad passed. A few hours go by, and he passes peacefully (huge thanks to the hospice workers for their respect and grace during this time)."
"Within an hour or so of his passing, we get a call from my dad saying that his mother had passed as well. It was a terribly dark day in our family, and the next couple years for me in college were pretty much a blur. Thankfully, things got better in time and we are all doing well now."
She lost everything...
"Her husband left her after previously persuading her to remortgage their house to save his business and he's already made her take multiple credit cards out in her name. She lost everything. He did it the week after their youngest turned 18 so he wouldn't have to pay child support. He'd obviously been planning for years."
Ieatclowns
a black sheep...
"My cousin was in a motorcycle accident with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend died. She broke her back. When she was in the hospital she learned she was pregnant. It's been 16 years and we're still trying our best, she took an all too familiar path of drugs, burning bridges and more pregnancies."
"At this point she's fairly stable and clean as far as I know but a bit of a black sheep. Her mother has custody of all one of her kids. She has her youngest and seems to be doing good by her, but who knows. It's been hard on everyone, especially her mother and her brother."
Paradigm6790
Well this is the stuff of nightmares. I'm grateful for every moment I have alive.
Several lawsuits are filed...
"Here is multiple lives ruined in an instant. A friend was over at some other people house, drugs were involved. They had been playing with a gun. My friend points the gun at a girl, pulls the trigger and shoots her in the head. Girl dies, friend gets locked up until he turns 18. Parents at the house get arrested because they knew what the kids were doing. Friends mom goes into a depression and ends up getting evicted from her house. Several lawsuits are filed."
sentondan
Gone Forever
"It was me... got in a car accident and suffered a traumatic spinal and brain injury that I had no chance of surviving... a 7 vertebrae spinal fusion, yrs of physical and mental therapy... 18 yrs later and the pieces, though many forever gone, are finally coming back together."
2boneskuLL
A Bad Night
"He trashed his fathers vacation house with an axe before setting it on fire, stabbed the neighbor nearly to death, stole their car and then crashed it into a cop car so bad the cops were injured. He also got his girl pregnant, so once he is out of prison they're gonna start a family."
Dumbing_It_Down
"dangerous"
"Pregnant friend found out husband (43) was having an affair with young woman (19) who was a volunteer at their ecolodge. Friend had 'dangerous' pregnancy and had to spend a lot of time in bed. This betrayal destroyed their marriage, split the little town where they lived and caused two employees to quit because witnessing the affair going on was just too painful."
"She had a beautiful baby girl (to go with her other two girls, lol) and after the breakup was clinically depressed. Worked hard and got a divorce (she had a great lawyer); got the business back on track; beat her depression and now is planning a great vacation trip with her girls."
"Meantime, Dad has generous visitation but just 'hasn't gotten around to' buying a car seat so he can pick up the baby and for a long time asked my friend, 'Can you drop the girls off at my Mom's?'"
NoBSforGma
Lost it All...
"Recently, I know of a guy that had borrowed all his family’s life savings for the most part to participate in the whole game stop stock thing happening… he lost every penny of his money (credit card advances), and his parents retirement, and every other dime he could get… it makes me sick to even think of it."
Bangbangsmashsmash
Well those are A LOT of bad days. Good luck to all of you.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
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Those who are wealthy have the luxury of acquiring the best of the best–whether it's dinner at a Michelin-starred restaurant or status-identifying clothing from Chanel or Yves Saint Laurent.
But even the rich have their limits when it comes to frivolous spending before casting judgment on friends or colleagues.
Curious to hear examples of this, Redditor Sasquatchfl asked:
"Rich people of Reddit, what's the craziest/most unethical thing you've seen people in your circle spend money on?"
Expensive experiences were a priority over prized possessions.
Live Sushi
"An ex worked for Dell in the late 90s/early 2000s. He was pretty high up and there were lots of partiers in his work circle. Went to a party hosted by one of the dellionaires and there was a body sushi girl. I don’t know what was paid to her, but it was one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen."
– 5hrs4hrs3hrs2hrs1mor
Pissing Contest
"Paid a group of homeless guys to only use the bathroom on a competitors business. Eventually bought that place for a massive discount."
– Haboobalub
Let's Work Out
"My mother woke up one morning and said she felt she was way too fat and she wanted to get a treadmill. The treadmill wouldn’t be a problem, but then she saw where it would be and didn’t like the lighting. Fast forward 2 months later there’s a 40k outdoor gym built and connected to the house. She hasn’t used it once."
– Herrera5449_
Taking A Leap
"Travelled with a bunch of ex 'friends' all fairly wealthy."
"First trip to SE Asia together and as an ex-local I was a de-facto tour guide (despite not being there in over a decade)"
"They somehow found and offered a bunch of kids diving off cliffs to jump for spare change."
"They increasingly challenged each other to land their coins as close to the cliff base and small surrounding rocks for the kids to dive for."
– Satakans
It's about the finer things in life.
Expensive Party Gag
"A 3k ouija board from Gwen Paltrow's store. I didn't even know it was a thing until the dude brought it out. I really wanted to cut it up and see what it was made from. Looked nice don't get me wrong but the thing is basically a party gag. For 3 grand, it better summon a demon that's all I'm saying."
– con_this
Slow Burn
"$600 USD for a candle."
– Jeffranks
It's not always about the things you acquire.
Minor Inconvenience
"I know a guy who went to get a new drivers license and had to pay ~$100k in back parking tickets, then joked about it after."
"Apparently he couldn't get a permit to park in front of his house, so he just did anyway, and accepted like a $200 fine everyday."
– melodyze
For A Successful Election
"Not me, but I know a guy who crowd funded (read: threw a bunch of money into, then solicited more at a flea market) $80,000 toward his friend's DA election campaign. The guy won. So far, this has paid back at least $120K in avoided legal fees. I know some rich people. Most of them are more boring than you think. Hell, most of them drive Hondas, Toyotas, and Nissans."
– KP_Wrath
The Lance Corporal
"I was stationed with a Lance Corporal who was wealthy beyond means after selling some of his patents. He owned and piloted four helicopters. Lived in a palatial waterfront house in Jacksonville, NC."
"The cheapest one cost 400K. That's the one he trained on. The most expensive was about 1.2 million. That's 1.2 million 1981 dollars. The two he's got now are about 5 million each."
"Had a floating landing pad out back moored to his dock and another landing pad in the back yard. Kept two helicopters and a Rolls inside his custom-built hangar at Norfolk International Airport."
"He drove a pair of Rolls-Royces. He also toyed with a 900K Miami-Vice type speedboat. He also housed and transported his squad to Camp Lejeune and back in a custom mini-bus."
– ApplicationConnect55
The dude was very giving and lived a very clean life. He'd fly us to Norfolk, pickup the car and we'd do our shopping and eating. Hop in a chopper and return home. He'd fly his fire team down to Miami on weekends. He kept a Limo there and wore a chauffer's outfit and did all the driving.
He bought a full-service and licensed pub in Northern Ireland. He lives there with his wife. Does a lot of charity work there. We still keep in touch."
– ApplicationConnect55
When there's plenty of money going around, there's no need to worry about a single thing.
That peace of mind is a luxury in itself.
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When marriages or relationships fall apart, infidelity is not always the cause.
Curious to hear from strangers online, Redditor Liam_Tang asked:
"People who've divorced, aside from adultery, what were the irreconcilable differences that ended the marriage?"

You think you know a person when you walk down the aisle.
These Redditors were in for a rude awakening.
Pet Neglect
"My wife divorced her ex for many reasons, but the final straw was when she went out of town for a few days, and when she got back he had not fed or given water to the dog. The dog lived a long and happy life after that."
– StrangeCrimes
Obsessed With A Crush
"Not me, but I had an old coworker that divorced his wife for spending their entire savings on candy crush and games of the same type."
– Hexis40
Compatibility Musts
"ITT: Intimacy (sex/romance), beliefs (religion/spirituality/politics), kids, and I haven’t seen it yet but it’s coming: finances."
"The big four. You REALLY need to discuss these things in detail BEFORE getting married."
– rabbiskittles
Physical violence is a legit reason for people to peace out of a relationship.
The Flattening
"She threatened to hit me with a hammer."
– michaelrohansmith
Hitting The Bottle
"She became an abusive alcoholic. It was sad but I had to get out."
– diegojones4
Emotional pain is too damaging to recover from.
Truth Hurts
"She told me as we stood in front of the judge ending our 7 year marriage, 'I never loved you, I just wanted kids.'"
– Pinch_Dogs
Can't Fix Angry
"She was beautiful/smart but an angry angry person. I thought I could be sweet to her and 'fix' that. Heh. She kicked the crap out of me emotionally. Wife II has been a walk in the roses for 32 years now :)"
– lowlandr
A change of heart is worthless if comes too late.
"We Could've Had A Nice Marriage
"He could not understand that my wants and needs were as important as his wants and needs. We tried to make it work for 7 years. During that time, for things that were really important to me, I tried explaining logically, asking nicely, begging, crying, yelling, passive aggressiveness... cycled back through all of these options multiple times."
"(If I knew something was important to him, I would do that. For example, he was really into sports, so I went to all his events, even though that is not at all my thing.) When I finally threw up my hands and told him it was time to get a divorce, he suddenly panicked and said 'What can I do? Do you want me to do half the chores? I'll do it! Do you want me to get a job? I'll do it! Do you want me to buy you presents for your birthday? I'll do it!'"
"So, in other words, he could have been doing that all along, but just couldn't be bothered. That made me so angry. We could have had a nice marriage that we both enjoyed, but no, by the time he saw the light, that ship had sailed."
"We are both happily remarried now (to different people) and I joke that his new wife owes me a thank you note. It was his experience with me that taught him to listen to her and take her needs seriously."
– Bluebird-True
"What Can I Do?"
"My ex was exactly like this. I didn't marry him but when I told him let's break up, he went all like, what can I do? Let's get engaged, let's look at houses, etc. Basically all the pre-marriage topics that we should be discussing about after being together for 7 years."
"I got so angry and straight up told him it's too late... I don't need you anymore."
– gudetarako
As much as a couple wants to stay together, unforeseen circumstances can eventually tear people apart.
Very few people can maintain healthy long-distance relationships.
When a new job opportunity takes a significant other away, would you begrudge them for wanting a better position to earn more money? Or is it better for them to reluctantly turn down the opportunity so they could stay with you? Do either scenarios breed resentment?
These were questions I've often asked myself with past relationships, and my answers varied depending on the person I was with.
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