What does a soulmate encapsulate? Are they truly your ideal person? Or is that putting someone in a category they can't fulfill....and then why would you wave them in front of your spouse?
u/throwaway77636676 told us his story:
My[30/M] fiance[29/F] told me that she would leave me for her soulmate and that it is normal of couples to have this agreement.
My fiance dated a guy before me that she was incredibly in love with. I knew she was into him, but they dated for 2 years, and we have been together for 4 years. He ended it because he wasn't ready for commitment, according to her. We've been engaged since July, with the wedding set for next September.
Over the Christmas holidays she told me that since we are getting married, we need to be open and honest with each other, which I have been about my whole life, and I thought she had.
Come to find out she considers her ex to be soulmate and if he asked, she would go back. She said this is normal for most couples to have an arrangement like this, and that he may never say anything. If that is the case, she loves me and wants a life and a family with me. I got upset and said why are you with me then, and she told me to calm down, that everyone settles. She said she will always love me, but this is just the way things are.
I've been avoiding her for days now. I am incredibly hurt, I thought she wanted to spend her life with me, but now it is with an asterisks.
Am I overreacting, like she says? Is it normal for people to have this type of situation?
tl;dr: Fiance said she is soulmates with her ex and would leave me if he asked, said this is normal for most couples.
Here was some of the advice Reddit gave him.
One
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I believe this is just one of those things where you say "welp..." , and start canceling the wedding invitations. Most issues can be worked through in a relationship, but this isn't an issue, it's a fact; you will always be her participation trophy, and she will always wish you were her first choice.
Two
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This is definitely not a normal thing. The fact that she would leave if he asked her and not think twice is very concerning because what if he does ask? What if the day before you're wedding he says to her, "I'm sorry for leaving you and I can't imagine my life without you. Would you run away with me?" If her answer is yes (which it sounds like it would be) then save your wallet now and get out while you still can. I understand that various wedding-related deposits have already been made but loosing a little bit money (in the long run) will save you years of headache and heartbreak.
I'm currently engaged (30/M) and if my fiance (28/F) ever said that she'd leave me for her ex-boyfriend if he asked her too I'd tell her to hit the bricks and go shack up with him because she clearly doesn't want to be with me but rather has settled to being with me. That's not what marriage is all about.
Four
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She said this is normal for most couples to have an arrangement like this, and that he may never say anything.
Er, no. First I've heard, and I've been around. This is no way even approaching normal. She is bullsh*tting you here.
So, she has stated, absolutely clearly and honestly : "Honey, you are my second choice. My consolation prize. Not great, but you'll do."
I'm guessing you aren't too thrilled to be the backup plan, the spare tyre.
I mean, props to her for coming out with it, when she could have kept silent. But I think that is a deal breaker. At least put the wedding on hold.
Five
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Its not normal for an SO to say she will leave over the idea of a soulmate. Basically, shes warned you that if she can do better than you she will drop you immediately.
Get some self respect, find someone who wont leave over a "soulmate", which is really just hollywood bullsh*t.
Six
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On the bright side, at least she did own up to it, and not at the last minute, but way, way ahead of time. She may say she thinks it's normal, but the fact she brought it up this way makes me think some part of her knows it's not, and wanted to give OP a fair chance to dodge the bullet. She may even be subconsciously sabotaging the relationship because she realizes she's not as committed as she should be for marriage.
It really sucks that this didn't come up until so late in the relationship that they were engaged, but it's still so, so much better than it could have been. I just hope OP takes advantage of this amazing opportunity to GTFO of a broken relationship.
Seven
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She said this is normal for most couples to have an arrangement like this,
No. No. No. No
Yeah, I have never heard of a couple having such an arrangement. I am sure there are people that adhere to it, but they probably are not dumb enough to tell their partner.
You marry someone you WANT to be with, not someone you are stuck with. You deserve to have someone as dedicated to you, as she is to her ex.
If that is the case, she loves me and wants a life and a family with me.
and what, if her ex says he is ready, leaves you and the kid?
I got upset and said why are you with me then, and she told me to calm down, that everyone settles. She said she will always love me, but this is just the way things are.
A lot of people do settle, and that is why divorce rates are high in developed countries. Don't settle, it will only lead to divorce, or cheating, or resent, and then divorce anyways.
Don't have kids with this woman, and you shouldn't marry her.
Also, the idea of a soulmate is pretty damaging to peoples ideals about relationships. I don't believe in it at all. I do believe in a compatibility bell curve, but that is just a stat thing. Two people destined for each other, tied up by a soul? na.
Eight
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everyone settles
Wtf? No. Everyone does not settle. Those who do, regret it.
You are her second best, her safe bet and she is using you.
You need to let her go back to her so called soulmate so you can find yours. You should absolutely not settle for someone who does not put you first and is pining for someone else. Please have more respect for yourself, you should never be your wife's second choice.
Nine
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You're fiance basically literally told you she's just settling for you, that has to hurt like hell. This is one of the more idiotic requests I've heard of. No couple does this. And who defines her soul mate? I'm assuming her? Shes basically saying she will leave you the moment she finds someone "better". I would not marry someone with her mindset. Oh and soulmates only exist in the movies which it appears she's watched way to many of.
Ten
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Never be someone's second choice OP. This is not normal in relationships. You deserve an SO who thinks the sun shines out of your *ss, not someone who'd leave you in a heartbeat for their ex. This is a huge deal, and imo, a dealbreaker personally. Your smartest move would be to just end the relationship and move on. I'm not sure how to resolve this situation any other way with the least amount of pain.
Eleven
You owe it to yourself to cut that snake loose. If she loves someone else that's not normal - at least she had the courage to let you know you are second in her life.
Hope you are okay through whatever comes next.
Twelve
"Not everyone settles, and even those that do settle do not do so with a prearrangement that divorce is ok in order to pursue a specific someone.
I feel incredibly betrayed that you would use me as a placewarmer for someone that you never got over. If he is your true love, then by all means wait for him, but I will not build my life, my family, my children's happiness around you-- only to have you destroy it all for the sake of another.
Thank you for being honest with me about your intentions. I wish you had been sooner. This relationship is over."
[username deleted]
Thirteen
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OP do you have severe self esteem issues? I only ask because anyone with a healthy opinion of themselves would not stand for this. Your fiancee does not love you and has told you this to your face. Love is not "I love you but I love this other guy more". That is her using you for your money, reliability and security. She does not consider you to be an important person in her life. You are not her priority. You will never be her priority. She doesn't care how you feel. She doesn't care about you.
If ever her ex feels like a booty call, she will cheat on you. If she finds someone she thinks is better than you, she will cheat on you. When she gets bored of you, she will cheat on you. She has probably already cheated on you if she's been in contact with her ex at all.
When she divorces you (and eventually she will) she'll take half your shit and probably your kids too, if you're stupid enough to have kids with her. If you stay with this selfish monster, she will break you and waste the best years of your life.
You know what you have to do. Do it to save your own future. Cut off contact and ignore her calls, texts, and emails. This woman does not deserve one minute more of your time.
Fourteen
The woman you are about to married flat out told you, you're number 2 and will always be her number 2. Irregardless if you buy her a mansion, gives her security, a happy family with 10 kids, you will never be her "soulmate" because despite all that, she'd drop everything in a heartbeat for her ex.
I'd cancel all wedding plans, tell her to calm her t*ts and said you just lost your soulmate.
Fifteen
Little bit of a different perspective on this.
Yes some people settle. They can live happy, fulfilling lives. Hell, people live happy fulfilling lives after arranged marriages where they didn't even know their SO before marriage. Happens all the time, definitely possible.
It's giving up that flaming love in the short term for the stability of normal, decent human being. It can be a normal, mature decision.
However, leaving if the ex asks is NOT part of the equation. That's the whole point of settling.
What your fiancee is saying is so utterly immature and divorced from reality, it's really stunning. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
The fact that she would even say this would make me question everything about her.
Sixteen
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Honestly your fiancé needs some serious psychotherapy. Her thought process is seriously flawed. I don't even know how you can even look at this woman after what she has said to you. She does not love you. Like she said she is settling for you. I just got married in May. If my then fiancé said what she said I would have ended it right then and there. These arrangements she speaks of do not exist.
The old wives' tales.
They are the stories of legend.
I think we all need a big DEEP Google dive though.
Where did they originate?
WHO ARE THE OLD WIVES!
You don't hear about them as much anymore.
It's like science and logic are suddenly a thing.
But they sure are a good way to keep your kids and their behavior in line.
Redditor the_spring_goddess wanted to discuss the tall tales we've all been fed through life, so they asked:
"What is an old wives tale that people still believe?"
"Wait an hour to swim after eating."
What a crock!
So many summer hours wasted.
I want revenge for that one.
Say Nothing
Giphy
"An undercover cop has to tell you he's a cop if you ask him."
LonelyMail5115
"Pretty much most advice when it comes to cops are old wives tales. I’m not even a cop but most of the advice you hear is pretty off."
I_AM_AN_A**HOLE_AMA
Say Something
"That you have to wait 24 hours to report someone missing."
Severe_Airport1426
"I really think this one is important and should be the top regardless. As it’s a piece of advice that needs to be relearned and the only way to do that is through awareness."
crappycurtains
"This used to be true. I think they changed it after some guy named Brandon went missing back in the '80s or '70s. You used to have to wait 24 hours if the missing person was an adult because they had 'a right to be missing' and then everyone realized that was stupid and stopped doing it."
AlbinoShavedGorilla
Body Temps
"That drinking ice cold water after eating oily foods will solidify the oil and permanently remain in your body. I informed my coworker that if your body temperature ever reached that point, you’d have bigger problems than weight gain."
chriseo22
"Oh, I have a cousin who 100% believed this. One of those guys who believed every early 2000s internet rumor and old wives tale. One night I chugged a big glass of ice water after dinner and he started freaking out and saying my guts were gonna harden."
"I sarcastically told him to drive me to the hospital if that happened. Obviously, nothing happened and the next morning I said something like 'Thanks for being on standby in case my guts filled with hardened oil.' He just walked off muttering under his breath."
apocalypticradish
Arms Down
"When I was pregnant, I was told by young and old alike that I should NOT raise my arms above my head or exert myself in such a manner because it could cause cord strangulation to my unborn sons and daughters."
Fatmouse84
10 Years Actually
Unimpressed Uh Huh GIF by Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Giphy
"Chewing gum stays in your stomach for 7 years."
"I remember accidentally swallowing a piece of gum when I was a kid in like 1995 and just accepting my fate like welp, gonna have this in my stomach til high school I guess."
Gecko-911
I was so afraid to sallow my gum when I was young.
This tale is haunting.
High/Low
Hungry Debra Messing GIF by Will & Grace
Giphy
"You can tell the sex of the baby by how you carry."
LeastFormal9366
"Pregnancy certainly wins awards for the most old wives tales. So much absolute BS was repeated to us by everyone we talked to."
IllIIIlIllIlIIlIllI
The Cursed
"If you’re a woman and you wear opal jewelry but opal is not your birthstone (October), you’ll never be able to have children, or will be widowed, or just generally have bad luck or something. You can counteract this by having a diamond in the same piece of jewelry as the opal, though."
"I have a nice opal ring that my parents gave me years ago, and I’ve had other women give me this 'advice' unprompted more than once when I’ve worn it. I have absolutely no idea where it started, but I’m pretty sure this little chunk of silicate rock has no concept of what month I was born in, let alone of how my reproductive organs work."
SmoreOfBabylon
Stay In
"Going outside with wet hair will make you get pneumonia. Or an earache. Or maybe arthritis. Depends on which old wife you listen to."
"Jokes on them - I haven't blow-dried my hair in decades and usually leave the house with wet hair in the morning. On winter mornings, the tips of my hair get frozen. No ear infections or pneumonia or arthritis yet."
worldbound0514
Dreams and Facts
"You never make anyone up in your dreams you've seen everyone in your dreams somewhere else before and never make anyone up entirely."
"How would you possibly prove that to be true? My partner adamantly believes this and tells me this 'fact' whenever I have a dream about someone I've never met before."
mattshonestreddit
"My late wife used to tell me that before she met me she would have dreams of standing at an alter on her wedding day but could never see the guy's face, no matter how hard she tried. After meeting me the face was filled in with mine. Don't know if it's true but one of those things I like thinking of every now and then when I miss her."
Darthdemented
Cracked
Getting Ready Episode 2 GIF by The Office
Giphy
"Some people still believe cracking knuckles causes arthritis."
Choice-Grapefruit-44
"There's a doctor (Donald Unger) that cracked his knuckles a couple of times a day for 60 years, but only on one hand, just to prove it. Both hands remained exactly the same."
MacyTmcterry
I love my knuckles.
Do you have any tall tales to add to the list? Let us know in the comments below.
