It doesn't seem normal to keep up with old flames, right? But what about old friends/tinder dates? Is a tinder date a flame? Where is the line? Well, one woman sought answers for all that.
u/taciturnframe laid it out for us:
My (30F) boyfriend (40M) of two years regularly checks up on former Tinder dates
I've been dating my BF for two years. Living together for one. Six months into our relationship, thanks to that feature that shows you who your friends like and follow, I noticed BF liked photos of certain women who live nearby with regularity. I know one of these women. So, I asked him how he also knew her, thinking we had some friend overlap.
He said he's never actually "met," her, but used to talk to her a lot when he was still online dating. (We also met online). Most of the other women he follows and "likes" with regularity, it turns out, are women he met (before we began dating) on hook-up apps. I asked him why he still follows them and if he's still interested in them. He said, 1) I have "nothing" to worry about, 2) But he admits he was "digitally flirting" with her (and several other women). He said he shouldn't be doing it and will stop. He also said he unfriended the girl we mutually "know" because there's no reason to keep in touch with someone he's never met.
Here we are, two years later. I was using a shared device to search for a party invite on Facebook, not realizing it was logged into BF's account. The first items that popped up in the search bar were the names of women he knew from online dating sites, including those he said he'd "digitally flirted" with on Instagram years ago. I expanded his search history (prying, yes) and saw he regularly searches for these women and creeps on their profiles. He looks them up 2-5x a month.
I understand checking out an ex or two's profile out of morbid curiosity. I visit the profile of a former flame about once every 2 years or so and hope to see he's doing well. But I don't understand his obsession with women (he hardly knows or only had a date or two with) who he met on Tinder. Or why they are on his mind WEEKLY. I mean, he's obviously thinking about them if he needs to look them up and lurk on their pages every week. I thought we nipped this kind of behavior in the bud early on. How do I broach this continued issue with him? Should I just pull the plug on this relationship, because he clearly lives in his past/fantasy land? IMO, 40 is way to old for this juvenile behavior and having these sorts of "boundaries" discussions.
TL;DR Boyfriend of two years cyber-stalks former Tinder flames often, checking out their profiles weekly. How do I broach this issue? Or should I just move on at this point?
Here was some of the advice she got.
One
What would alarm me the most is that when you spoke 6 months in, he unfollowed only one girl: the one who had connections to you, and where there was a risk you'd find out more than he intended. I suspect he didn't tell you the full truth then.
Two
If you speak to him about it, what could he say to you that would put you at ease?
Is there an explanation you would be okay with? If he said he fantasises about being with them? If he said he masturbates to their pictures? If he said he enjoys flirting online? If he said he's keeping his options open for when you guys break up? If he says he's just curious? If he says he's nosy and enjoys gossip he finds on their pages?
If he promises he won't do it again, would you trust him on that? Or do you think he would lie to you like before? How would you know he was keeping his promise, and not just hiding it from you better? Would you be okay with him continuing this behaviour openly?
To my mind, you set a boundary with him before. You told him this behaviour wasn't okay in your relationship, yet he continued anyway behind your back. Whatever his motivation is, it's clearly a bigger drive than keeping his word to you. I would find it very hard to trust someone after this, it's a betrayal.
If your boyfriend is truly remorseful and when confronted make a a concerted effort to change and takes real practical steps to prove he won't do this again (e.g., deleting Facebook/Instagram), and you think that you can work on this together than I would give him a second chance (or if you think you can accept him carrying on looking at there profiles during your relationship). But if he doesn't make the effort, or you don't think you will be able to trust him again then it's probably not worth it to pursue the relationship further.
Three
GiphyWell, be honest with him. Tell you that it happened his Facebook account was logged in without you realizing it and it happened that you saw his search history. Surprised (and disappointed) to see a few names you guys talked about, you looked for the entire history and noticed that he checked up on them.
Show empathy and tell him what you told us, that yes, you check up on an ex once every two years but to make sure he's doing well, but you would like to know why he would check up on these ladies he barely knows (as far as you know because who knows he hasn't been talking to them on a weekly basis?) every week.
Four
This is one of those things that, as a woman, when you see a guy do this to you while in a relationship, all you do is feel pity for his GF. This is blatantly disrespectful. He's keeping up with his past "options" and entertaining thoughts about what it would've been like if he had chosen other women. Those women are probably so amused/disgusted by his continued attention after so long. It's creepy.
Does this seriously sound like someone you want to invest you time in?
He's obviously interested in women that aren't you. Maybe you should let him go, and find someone who is worth your time and investment.
Five
Keep in mind that you only know what you've found. Did you stumble across everything? Probably not. Can you trust him to uncover the stuff you don't know about? Probably not. If he can not share his phone or accounts then he is his own worst enemy and is going to throw away your relationship eventually, once caught red handed. Why does he keep lurking? He has a time investment in those people and is keeping current, because in his mind he is still pursuing them.
Leave, or confront him and give him your ultimatum and let him decide. Either way you'll have to decide how much of your life and conscious is going to go into being a private investigator, spent worrying when he is alone or evaluating all of his behavioral quarks trying to make sense of his behaviour. I wish you the best of luck.
Seven
How do I broach this continued issue with him?
I recommend telling him straight that as long as he lives in this past fantasy land, you won't be taking the relationship seriously, and you're not considering an engagement.
Eight
The fact that he is dating a woman 10 years his junior indicates that he is too immature for women his own age. He is trying to prove something to himself, and continues to check on these women to prove that he has options to himself. I bet his Facebook has tons of pics of him and girls he barely knows with his arm around them. Move on.
Nine
GiphyIsn't he like too old for this random immature sh*t? If he's happy w/ you then why is he checking on these women? Doesn't make sense. Stop wasting your time.
Redditor imboredaa wanted to discuss all the ways so many of us get lost watching things on the internet, so they asked:
"What are some of the craziest/strangest rabbit holes you’ve ever been down?"
I constantly get lost on talent show audition rabbit holes.
And I am proud!
Restored
Serial Killer Chainsaw GIF by Rise RecordsGiphy"YouTube videos of old chainsaw restorations. No idea why, but I guess that’s why it’s a rabbit hole. I don’t even own a chainsaw or have a need for one."
aretelio
'rooms/shared'
"I really enjoy going on a city’s Craigslist, then to 'rooms/shared' (or whatever it is for finding a room mate) and then typing words like 'warning' or 'beware' in the search to see what kind of horror show nightmare room mate scenarios people have decided to write about... it's usually some juicy headline like 'warning!!!'"
"Do NOT rent from this woman!!!! She is a PSYCHO!!….'"
"And after reading it, it’s always a guess to decide who is the actual crazy person, the landlord or tenant. Could be a bitter ex, tenant, or a scam, or whatever. But it’s an easy way to dive quick into some weird corners of the internet that are filled with drama."
After the Ice
"I spent a bunch of time about 12 years or so ago reading about all the details of the Titanic, how it sunk, what happened as it was sinking, who died, who survived. I got into the life stories of the people who died, and what became of the people who survived. And then I very nearly bought a piece of carpet from the Titanic."
SweetCosmicPope
Expeditions
"Andrée's Arctic balloon expedition"
"Dumb, then numb, a** thought he could fly a balloon to the North Pole. They had cyanide capsules and all, in case they crashed and were about to freeze to death. Or get eaten by a polar bear during a three month night. He and his assistants somehow managed to do both."
"Plot twist: Andree, the worst captain of all time, noticed the balloon was leaking the night before they were about to leave, pumped it up a bit, and said 'f**k it that'll do.' It did not do."
Needydadthrowaway
Thanks John
"An Uncle John's Bathroom Reader. Started with 1 and ended up with a 20+ collection."
originalsanitizer
"Uncle John's Bathroom Readers are so addictive."
evanman69
Toilet time can be knowledge time.
Living Sky High
City In The Sky Vfx GIF by PBSGiphy"Turning old planes into houses! About 10 years ago I found a company that would do it for you. The wings were decks and the plane was mounted to a pedestal that allowed it to be rotate with the sun!"
BeeEyeAm
Doggerland
"Mega tsunamis. Thousand foot walls of water moving at hundreds of mph? It happens more than you would think. The Azore-Gibraltar fault will cause one one day. There evidence they happened a few times in the Pacific. It doesn't take a meteor to happen, it could be an underwater landslide (Doggerland), or a large section of a volcanic island shearing off and falling into the ocean (Oahu). Doggerland is another rabbit hole that is worth googling."
KD_Burner_Account133
Hitting the Keys
"Mechanical keyboards. I wanted to buy one, so I started researching and watching videos of reviews. I went deeper and deeper, seeing special cables, obscure companies, the tons of switches, etc etc."
"I stopped when a Youtuber I watched made a video asking her viewers and discord users to stop bullying and harassing her for using some kind of switches or keycaps. I bought my keyboard and never went back to that crazy fandom."
NirvanaForce
In the Sky
"I worked in administration at an aviation academy for a few years and decided I’d start listening to aviation podcasts since I didn’t know much about it. I came across a plane crash podcast that talks about crashes in history and how it improved the safety of flying."
"I was fascinated by it, and found myself gradually needing to know more and listening to more of the same type of podcasts, watching videos, and listening to black box recordings. It was eerie but interesting at the time. Now, I regret it tremendously because since then I’ve developed horrible anxiety when flying."
contagiousphrase
The Big Questions
steve harvey lol GIF by TV Land ClassicGiphy"Spent a lot of time in the 'quantum consciousness' rabbit hole. I had just deconstructed from religion and wanted answers about life, death, and reality. It was long before I made peace with not knowing. I spent around a year obsessed with quantum experiments, psychedelics, and the general philosophy of consciousness."
excusetheblood
Lives (and chores) can be put on serious hold when you find a juicy enough topic to research!
Well, what rabbit holes have you gotten lost in? Let us know in the comments below.
Redditor Who_Did_You_Expect1 wanted to hear about the things from our memories that still haunt our nightmares, so they asked:
"What's the most f--ked up thing you saw that still haunts you to this day?"
Living through peril is unimaginable. I've been luckier than most.
Tragic
Sad Best Friends GIF by Lisa VertudachesGiphy"I watched cancer kill my baby brother. He was in grade school when I was in college. 25 years, and I still see it in my dreams."
TheDigitalRanger
Ay Dios mio, Dios mio!
"When I was about 8, my sister and I were walking with my mom to a bus stop to see my grandma in Mexico city. There was a lady on a bike crossing the intersection that we had just crossed ourselves but she didn't stop in time to the next one and didn't look both ways, she didn't have time to stop her bike. All I remember is the lady making the beginning of a scream as a white old muscle car ran over her (bike and all) at a high speed."
" remember the sound it made as it broke everywhere. My mother took her sweater off as she screamed and covered both my sister's and my head from looking, but it was too late. I remember looking at my sister with tears in her eyes, and I was too shocked to react or comprehend what I had just seen happened. A lot of people immediately surrounded the place, and the driver came out of his car and held his head with his hands after seeing the lady on the pavement."
"I didn't look at the lady anymore. I remember hearing people screaming in shock. My mother told my dad later as she cried. I remember hearing her wake up screaming for weeks after this saying: ay Dios mio, Dios mio! Still makes my heart race when I think about it."
amahied
I Quit
"I was a news photographer for a while in the 90’s. I got called out to an accident. A high school girl ran into the back of a semi. As I was shooting, I noticed her wallet was on the ground. It had a plastic picture holder and the wind was flipping back and forth. I saw her prom pictures and shots of her with her family."
"I quit being a news photographer shortly after. I never forgot that day, and it still haunts me."
No_Confusion4720
Images
"I saw the aftermath rather than the actual event. A woman was walking home from the grocery store late at night. She crossed the road without using the crosswalks and got hit by an SUV. The two images cemented in my mind are of her, embedded in the windshield, and the driver of the car standing a little ways down the street vomiting. I've never seen someone look so utterly broken as the way the driver looked. I can't imagine what he was going through."
GrowlyBear2
Everyday
Sad Rabbit GIF by Muffin & NutsGiphy"When I was 16 I was in a car wreck with my best friend since 3rd grade. I pulled him from the car with a broken shoulder while he was bloody, lifeless, limp. He died within the hour, not long after the ambulance got us. It’s been 18 years and I still think about it every single day."
oil_can_guster
I couldn't imagine living with that.
I also couldn't move...
"Coming to after getting hit by a vehicle as a pedestrian. Was face down, all I could see was blood soaked road and thought 'f**k, that doesn't look good.' I also couldn't move. The last thing I remember seeing before that was the grill of the vehicle. I still get jumpy when I catch a vehicles grill out of the corner of my eye and I'm not expecting it to be there."
"I'd seen a lot of accidents prior to that, but something about it being my own blood hit different."
"And yes, I had the right of way and was crossing in the proper place, at the proper time. Driver plain a** wasn't paying attention. It was daylight to boot, so no reason they couldn't see me."
Sweet_Force1478
Bad Dreams
"I was volunteering with my k9 working with NYC emergency services and chief Patell during 911 WTC attacks. We were in the middle of where the twin towers used to stand The thick gray dust, horrible smell of burnt things and dead people was all around but when the dogs started to find bodies and body parts it really freaked me out and I will forever live with this reality that seems like a bad dream."
DjCanicus
Missing
Confused Wile E Coyote GIF by Looney TunesGiphy"A family of four that had burned in a plane crash. I used to do a woodland search and rescue, and we saw a lot of wild crap, but I still have dreams about what I saw when we went to look for a missing plane."
JalenTargaryen
Goodness life is dark sometimes.
Do you have any similar experiences? Let us know in the comments below.
