College admissions officers likely have to read a lot of crap, but there's likely nothing that prepares them for applications that can only be described as far removed from this world.
That formed the basis of today's burning question from Redditor EZ112, who asked the online community: "Admissions officers/essay coaches of Reddit: what was the most pretentious application you've ever seen?"
"Not pretentious..."
I had a Chinese student write in their application: "I hardly ever waste water, paper or rice".
Presumably he was conflating Economics, the degree subject being applied for, with being economical. He also said that he had found a phone and had returned it to the owner "even though he was Russian".
"A whole essay..."
A whole essay about how it had "long been her dream to study at the prestigious University of Leicester" and all the incredible gifts life would bestow on her for living her dream.
In an application for a university that was NOT Leicester.
"I worked..."
I worked in a very religious private schools admissions department for a few weeks, filing applications. The parents had to write a letter about their child and why the school would suit them.
I'll always remember the man who wrote three pages about how successful a business man he was, how he owned several businesses, how good he was at the school's main sport and then attached a large check to the last page. Not a word about the kid.
What I remember most?
The rejection letter from the principal with a thinly veiled insinuation that bribery was immoral and not acceptable at this school.
"One admissions essay..."
I was part of an Admissions Committee when I served as faculty at a wonderful University.
One admissions essay compared his act of applying to the law school with that of a Palestinian child facing oppression.
The closing line was "Bravery comes in many forms. A Palestinian child picking up a stone against Illegal Occupation, and me writing this essay, both are comparable."
Still haven't forgotten it.
"I got to interview some students..."
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I got to interview some students for a special program in my undergrad. It was highly competitive and lots of people wanted it.
Young woman comes in. I offer her a seat.
"I'd prefer to stand. This won't take long."
"It won't?"
"No, my dad is the dean of (one of the colleges) and my mom is one of the professors who established this program. I'm getting in."
I emphasized that she really should take a seat. She refused again. So I say, "Hey, this interview, me approving you is part of the process. You have to do well in this to get in."
"You'll say I did well or my parents will make life hell for you."
Her parents had zero impact on anything in my life and I told her as much. After articulating this to her I said, "I'm going to give you a chance to walk out the door and restart this interview. Fresh start."
She lost it and yelled at me. For like five minutes. I filled out the interview sheet with direct quotes from her tantrum.
She didn't get in. A few days after decisions were made, I got an email from her father who was, in fact, a dean. He asked me to come in and "have a chat" with him. It was totally a request. I went to talk to him.
When I went to see him he had a copy of the interview sheet where I had several direct quotes from his daughter. Some of the quotes were awful and directed at me, my family, and basically everything she could hit on.
He apologized profusely for his daughter and asked if she could redo the interview. He was leaning on me a bit at this point. I told him that choices had already been made and she was not selected.
The whole thing was mind blowing. She was so entitled.
"Not an admissions officer..."
I have evaluated placement essays for first year writing (first semester, second semester, or in rare cases, tested out completely). I remember reading one about how selfies were important because of such reasons as "so people can know where you are" and "if you travel you can use them to take pictures of monuments and landmarks." This student essentially, though I'm not sure intentionally, made the argument that every picture that is taken HAS TO BE a selfie and if they weren't in the picture it wasn't worth anything.
I put them in "first semester."
"I used to tutor..."
I used to tutor at uni, and helped occasionally with my tutees' applications. One thing I always encouraged them to do was to mention their aspirations after graduating, and to mention why specifically this university. One kid, who'd been pretentious the whole time, actually wrote in his essay that he didn't really care about the academic part because his dad was just going to give him a job when he graduated anyways. He chose the unis he was applying to based on how impressive they sounded, and how good the party life was.
I kept in touch with his sister (she was super smart and studied the same subject as me, so I helped her out with career advice etc later on). She dropped into conversation later, with a noticeable bit of glee, that her brother was 'going through a challenging patch' because his father informed him that no, daddy was not going to give him a free ride into a cushy job, and did expect him to get a real job.
"I was a medical school interview coach..."
I was a medical school interview coach, earning some extra money through med school. Some applicants were great, others were what you'd expect from kids whose parents are paying a tutor to teach them how to act normal.
Our med school interviews are easy to pass, but difficult to do well in. They involve generic questions like your passion or interests, ethical scenarios, decision-making questions, knowledge of healthcare topics, etc. There have been memorable answers to mock questions.
In terms of pretentious, I asked one guy what his hobbies were and he said he loved Armani suits and buying expensive coffee blends. Not a great answer, but what killed it was that he began describing "the smoothness of the bean" and licking and smacking his lips together in wet squelching noises.
Another applicant's dad was a successful surgeon, so he argued in his answers "I basically already know how to be a doctor, through osmosis". He'd failed the entrance exam seven times and his dad opened a lot of doors for him, getting him research editor positions for his CV etc. There were complex family dynamics. He would say really inappropriate things like, "When I'm a doctor, I can buy and sell you and all your friends" "All I have to do is pass this stupid exam and interview and my dad will get me a spot in the training program, you'll be struggling for years." He'd then flip to complaining for half an hour about how his sister gets treated like a 'princess', and call me at 10 PM 'just to talk'. I declined further sessions but was pretty sympathetic, to be honest.
Whenever his dad called to arrange sessions and materials, he was very pejorative toward his son. I had trouble hearing him during one of the phone calls because of background noise until he stepped outside. Later found out that he had been calling me, a tutor, during his son's graduation ceremony. He missed his son going on stage to receive his diploma because he was arranging a booking time with me. It placed a lot of his son's defensive behaviour in context.
And no, he has not been accepted into a med school. That was two years ago and he emailed only a few weeks ago to request access to my Google Drive to brush up on some things. I granted it because when your answer to a conflict in teamwork question is, "I'd tell them I'm sorry that they're wrong", no amount of Microsoft Word documents will change your performance.
"Ohhh, I have one."
Ohhh, I have one. A longtime friend's mother reviews applications at an elite college. I saw her recently and she was telling us about some of the essays. One was from a girl who clearly came from a background of great privilege. She described a day of shopping and dining at swanky places with her parents in the big city one day. At the end of the day they came across a homeless man sitting on the sidewalk begging for money or food. She initially passed him by ... but then, THEN, seeing the American flag flying on the corner up ahead on the next block, remembered "what this great country of ours was built on, as well as what life is truly about" and went back to give this homeless person her restaurant leftovers.
All described with much self congratulation. I'm paraphrasing a lot of it, but the part in quotes is exact (and will likely be repeated for some time to come, accompanied by chuckling, by my friend and me). The country was built on, and life itself is about, giving a homeless person your half-eaten burger and fries.
DamsterDamsel
"I once got a binder..."
I once got a binder with nineteen letters of recommendation from what seemed every adult who ever vaguely met the student. We also got photocopies of her SCUBA license and lifeguard certification. This was just for a college with a 98% acceptance rate.
We also had an essay question that was "If you could spend a day with anyone in the world, living or dead, who would it be and why?" and some kid wrote about how the college admissions racket discounted who he was as an individual and that he wanted to spend the day with the college admissions officer so they'd really get to know him. Came off as a bit creepy, and, again, 98% acceptance rate. If you could write a coherent sentence and didn't murder anyone, you were going to be accepted, we didn't freaking care about your personality.
"I felt sorry for her..."
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I'm a college admissions consultant and the worst one I've read was a full meta essay about how much the applicant loved college admissions and writing admissions essays. It was arrogant and aloof throughout but the kicker was when the student called herself "an elite applicant with outstanding admissions essay skills" right there in the essay.
I felt sorry for her because it felt like the stress of the process had given her a Stockholm Syndrome obsession with it. I tried to bring her back to reality gently but she wasn't having it.
She didn't get in.
"I read as an admissions person..."
I read as an admissions person for a competitive national fellowship that helps students study abroad.
The last essay I read that day made my job very easy as this person was all over the place, bragging about being a religious hippie, how his parents were missionaries so he already had a global perspective, how he writes the best poetry, everyone considers him a leader...
These were all one sentence and indented as new paragraphs with absolutely ZERO elaboration.
The cherry on top, his closing, was literally saying that he could work in the private sector or government when he graduates and "the choice is yours."
I was like lol OK private sector thanks.
"This is actually..."
This is actually a difficult mom story. The student was a nice kid, with decent grades, so an easy admit, but with a very average scholarship. I can see from his app that they are very well off, and they didn't even file the FAFSA, which is a telltale sign that they don't need the help. So a while after I admit the kid, the mom calls me to ask for a higher scholarship. I ask her if her son retook the ACT/SAT since he submitted he submitted his app (the only reason why we'd reconsider a scholarship), she says no. Okay, so there's no reason for the scholarship committee (aka me) to review his scholarship then, and it's obvious that she's only asking for the bragging rights. I'm very nice about it, but I make it clear that we're not increasing her kid's scholarship.
She goes off on me, telling me that clearly I must not know the quality of private school he goes to (which I am very familiar with) and that I don't know how much money they have. Her reasoning was that they are rich, so we should give him a better scholarship and then they'll donate money to the college. Not only did she pull the favorite line "Do you have any idea who we are?" but she also tried to bribe me with his family financing a new building on campus! Direct quote: "I don't think you understand me here, the school where my daughter goes to has a building named for us. Don't you think (my university name) needs a new building on campus?"
It was the most bizarre and entitled conversation I've ever had with another human. Long story short, I didn't bump his scholarship and the kid enrolled anyway.
"I reviewed applications..."
I reviewed applications for a local state college. We didn't need to read essays if the grades were good enough, but one time I saw a kid with an 800 SAT writing score. I had never seen one, so I curiously checked their essay.
Their essay was all about getting an 800 on their writing SAT.
"The most pretentious..."
The most pretentious essays are the athlete essays. I've seen many applicants just write "Don't need essay, college athlete" for all four essay prompts. The way we do applications they will likely get in.
"Wrote her entire med school application..."
Wrote her entire med school application essay about how she wanted to become a doctor so that she could perform free plastic surgery for family members. Had no idea all the ethical reasons why that was not okay, very angry that she did not get accepted.
"I work in admissions..."
I work in admissions at a small, highly selective college, although in an administrative role rather than reading essays or applications. I deal with prospective students on a day-to-day basis, but it's honestly their parents who have horrific entitlement issues. They'll tell me about their business dealings/connections/legacy status with absolutely no prompting, answer questions for or over their kids, and generally treat the students here as props for their own children's education rather than as actual people. There are a lot of kids who are clearly uninterested in the school but tour and interview here because their parents want them to. I've also had people throw fits at me about their own mistakes--signing up for the wrong things, the wrong date, or fucking up their application in some way. Parents really see their children as an extension of themselves and their children's college education as a financial investment. It's all about status from the applicant's end and they don't understand that colleges are often looking for fit.
"I'm an admissions counselor."
I'm an admissions counselor. One applicant refused to fill out a very simple application supplement because she was homeschooled by parents who are doctors and "they are more than qualified to educate me." When I told her the supplement was not optional, she accused me of being racist (?!).
Needless to say she did not complete her application and I assume she went to a different school.
"It was an impressive..."
Kid came in with an "essay" which was, to put it simply, an extension of his resume. It was an impressive resume, but it was a resume, and gave no insight into who he was. I was told that the purpose of this "essay" was to justify his poor grades and fit everything he couldn't fit into his resume into his application.
Anyway, here's a step by step guide on how to actually write a college admission essay.
When we're intoxicated, or even the slightest bit tipsy from having a little too much to drink, our immediate perspective on things is hazy.
But there's nothing like a bit of alarming news or a jarring incident to snap us out of the fog and focus on the moment.
Sometimes alcohol isn't always to blame for our impairment.
It can be a state of mind, like a perpetual numbness from being complacent in life, and all it takes is one shocking moment to rattle us back to our senses.
Curious to hear from strangers online about this type of scenario, Redditor Known_Challenge_7150 asked:
"What’s one thing that sobered you up real quick?"
These individuals were witness to shocking events that sobered them up right quick.
Bleeding Out
"Got out of a taxi and found a naked man profusely bleeding from his head crawling up the driveway in my condo. Called him an ambulance completely forgot I was absolutely wasted until 45 minutes later when I'd helped him translate and in to an amublance and stepped in my front door."
"Later a few days later learned he'd slipped in the tub and literally crawled out for help. Poor dude. He was fine but I genuinely thought he was going to die there."
– DongLaiCha
Tragic News
"At a bachelor party and we got a phone call that the groom’s father had suddenly passed."
– accountnameredacted
Bottom Of The Barrel
"I went to visit my parents back in July. I was homeless and deep into fentanyl addiction so I lost a lot of weight. My folks could see it. They knew something was up. Anyway, I spent the night and I was getting ready to leave in the morning and I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long time. I finally had enough and told them everything. They took me to detox, from there I went to rehab. Graduated in August and been living with them ever since then. I have 160 days clean and sober."
– Crotch-Monster
A reality check can be enough for some people to snap out of it.
Like Father, Like Son
"Was driving a drunk friend home, he had been on a bender again and was smart enough to call me for a lift rather than try and drive. As I helped in to his house his mother came down the stairs and said 'your as drunk as your father' and went back upstairs. I haven't seen him drunk since then, he still drinks but the thought of turning into his dad scared him out of hard drinking."
– psycospaz
Busted
"Flashing blue lights."
– FiddleOfGold
"This sobered me up just thinking about it."
– redmaple_syrup
Losing Sight
"Woke up to no sight in one eye. I had cataract surgery so just thought one of the lenses had slipped and it was an easy fix. Eye doc says nope, you had a stroke. I loved soy sauce, teriyaki sauce and salty food, which caused high blood pressure, which caused retina damage. Over six months was able to get most of my eyesight back with medication, and all back within a year. Trying to navigate life with one eye was very sobering. Started taking HBP much more seriously."
– MissHibernia
Quitting The Bottle
"Looked up someone I went to highschool with who was an awesome guy. Found out he had been dead for 3 years from alcoholism, at age 33. I made an overnight change. I hadn't started drinking that night yet, 10 months ago. Haven't touched it again since."
– omgtater
These disturbing moments were enough for Redditors to immediately come to their senses.
Unplanned House Guests
"Me and a buddy Woke up in someone’s living room, realized neither one of us knew the people, they were just nice and let 2 drunk guys sleep on their living room floor. We didn’t even say goodbye."
– Oneinsevenbillion75
Serious Health Warning
"Elevated liver enzymes."
"And the knowledge that this sh** was gonna kill me and I just couldn't orphan my family over it."
"So I opted for recovery, instead."
"Clean and sober since June 5, 2009."
– Far_Meal8674
The Joyride
"Grew up in a rural area. The little town hosted dances at the hockey arena, everyone (adults and kids) went and they overserved everyone, regardless of age. I was maybe 16 or 17 and was absolutely sh*tfaced, and jumped in the back of someone's truck with about 8 other people to go back to someone's cottage for after dance drinking. The driver (still don't know who it was) started racing one of his buddies and we whipped around small dirt roads, flying around blind corners on the wrong side of the road, going god knows how fast. It was basically a disaster waiting to happen. It was crazy scary and I was sober and thankful to be alive when we finally arrived."
– foxfood9116
The human psyche is a fascinating thing, isn't it?
How we can automatically focus on something urgent at a crucial time, even after getting buzzed from drinking too much alcohol.
But as we're in the thick of the holidays, it's a good reminder to drink responsibly and stay off the roads if you drive to your celebratory destination.
Cheers. Stay safe. And happy holidays.
We've all complained or vented about something in our lives which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't exactly a problem, or is very easily solved.
Then there are those who complain about things that others almost hope will happen to them at some point in their lives.
These are known as "first world problems", as they are problems that pretty much only the world's one percent faces.
From having to fly business class instead of first class, or being served Roederer instead of Dom Pérignon, these complaints are often met with amusement, bewilderment, or even anger.
Redditor jennimackenzie was curious to hear the most absurd "first world problems" anyone ever complained about, leading them to ask:
"What’s the most ridiculous 'first world problem' you’ve seen people get worked up over?"
"Tale As Old As Time..."
"I once knew a mom who was legitimately devastated, to the point of tears/grief, because a doctor predicted her 8 year old daughter's final height to be around 5'2","
"Which wasn't tall enough to get cast as Belle at Disney World."
"That was the child's (and her mother's) only dream in life, apparently."
"Didn't appreciate my suggestion that she could be Minnie or Mickey."
"Lol!"
"Only a face character would do!"- TravelLovingMom
"Must Be Funny, In A Rich Man's World..."
"My boss from about a decade ago was this insanely rich dude who always went to the bank to get fresh and crisp currency."
"He'd call the bank in advance to make sure they had some on hand."
"I think he was a germaphobe."
"He had a trash can that he'd throw $1 and $5 bills in that he thought was 'dirty' and regularly just donated it vs spending it."
"I asked him why he did this and he said it was too much trouble and asked if I wanted it."
"I said f*ck yeah dumped it into my bag and when I got home it was close to $400 in singles and fives.
"Another time, he wanted to upgrade all the computers in his studio, so we went to a store and bought 10 PCs."
"They all had $150 mail in rebates and he wasn't bothered to go through the trouble of mailing them in."
"3 weeks later I received $1500 after spending a whole afternoon filling out all those goddamn forms."- azninvasion2000
Money Burn GIF by nog
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Who Wore It Better?
"When I was about 19 years old, I was at my boyfriends family BBQ."
"I was wearing this pretty floral sundress."
"His cousins girlfriend showed up in the same dress and she was SO mad that she went and changed."
"I will never understand being upset when someone is wearing the same thing as you.'
"Did you really think that your shirt you bought off the rack is going to be unique to you?"
"No."- mertsey627
Seeing Red! Or Blue In This Case...
"The blue of the balloons wasn't quite the same as the bridesmaid's sashes."
"Years ago my wife and I attended a wedding."
"It was very low key."
"The dinner was in the dining hall at the university where the couple met, cinder block walls and all."
"It was a Baptist wedding - no booze and very serious."
"The dark blue balloons attempting to liven up the hall were a slightly darker shade of blue than the sashes on the bridesmaid's dresses."
"The bride lost here sh*t and absolutely raved for nearly an hour."
"I can't remember how they finally managed to talk her down."- mechant_papa
south park wedding GIF
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See You In Court!
"Rich neighbors who end up in expensive court battles because they disagree about where a tree can be planted or whether the color of a fence fits in with the street’s 'amenity'."
'These disputes get really heated and rack up huge lawyers’ bills."
"The most pathetic part is after the judgement when they are arguing about who should pay the other party’s costs."
"Lots of affidavits filed citing the 'emotional distress' they had to endure, or painting themselves as brave warriors who were forced to take a stand to fight for 'justice'."
"Also lots of pompous litigants insisting that the judge refer to them by their 'Dr' title."
"An absolutely insane dumpster fire of entitled rich people problems."- ElectrocRaisin
It's Always People With Money Who Don't Want To Pay!
"I work in a public library."
"People will get so so mad if they have to be put on a wait list for a book."
"A popular book that just came out."
"Ok our services are not only free but so are the books."
"You’re welcome, a**holes."- Switchbladekitten
A Warm Butt Is A Happy Butt!
"My own."
"We have a bidet toilet seat (Fabulous! Everyone should have one!) and not only does it wash your bum and blow dry it, but the seat's heated!"
"It's shocking how much a heated toilet seat makes the whole process more agreeable."
"Except: We had a power outage and I went to use the toilet and the seat was cold!"
"Unacceptable!"
"This shall not stand!"
"I was really upset because it didn't feel good."
"Then I stopped and thought: This is the most first-world problem anyone's ever had."
"I was really pissed because my heiny was tepid."
"I got over it."- DeathGrover
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Holy Matrimony!
"Weddings are a gold mine for this question."
"People get so hyped up over their 'most important day of their life'."
"They'll destroy friendships, go into debt, and have crazy expectations."
"It's not always the couple who go crazy, either."
"Sometimes, it's the parents or another family member who feels entitled to control the wedding."
"It's just a party."
"Be considerate of guests, have plenty of food and drinks, and enjoy it."- magicrowantree
When Fast Food Isn't Fast Enough...
"Having to pull off to the side to wait for a drive-thru order to be brought out to you because your food isn't ready and there's a line building up behind you."- demanbmore
In Case You Don't Think Customer Service Employees Are Undervalued...
"I was working the return desk at a Target next to a military base so I have so many stories."
"One of my favorites was a lady who had her baby shower before revealing the gender and was livid that she had received floral newborn diapers when she’s having a boy."
"It was a huge box of super expensive, all organic diapers, that we didn’t carry and therefore could not return."
"I cannot accurately express her fury and disgust."
"How dare either suggest her boy could wear feminine diapers."
"I suggested she donate them if she didn’t want to use them and she instead threw away the entire box."
"When she left we pulled it out and threw it in our donate bin."
"There have also been multiple times where mom’s order massive toys and when we bring them out to the car they get furious that they aren’t wrapped."
"We don’t offer wrapping services."
"Here’s the thing, if you don’t want your kids to see the toys you got them for Christmas or their bit to day DON'T BRING THE CHILD WHEN YOU PICK IT UP."
'I’ve had multiple women scream and curse me out that I had ruined their kids Christmas by bringing the toys they ordered out to the car like they requested."- clever-mermaid-mae
Customer Service Waiting GIF by Juno Calypso
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Happiest Place On Earth!
"I used to work for Disney."
"That in itself should tell you everything."
"However for fun I'll give you two specific stories one form our tech department and one from my wife who worked bookings."
"I specifically worked for their call center to help with technical issues with magic band and the website."
"Suddenly got worse huh?"
"A right of passage call everyone has at least one story of is the 'Dome call'."
"Basically there is a subset of Disney Guest (TM) that believes if it rains at Walt Disney world there is someone that will push a button to encapsulate the whole of Disney property in a dome to keep out the rain."
"I'm not kidding."
"If this button is not pushed they call our tech department to angrily ask why."
"My wife worked booking."
"Pretty much everything including Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique and Pirate's league."
"These two things did roughly the same thing difference being price and theme."
"BBB was expensive did more and was focused on princesses, pirates league did a bit less and focused on mermaids and pirates."
"Lady called up my wife, and got pissed about BBB being booked up (It goes FAAAAST)."
"Karen: 'Im going to give the phone to my daughter and I want you to tell her how you are ruining her vacation by not letting her do BBB'."
"Wife proceeds to explain how pirate's league is so much cooler and how she can be a mermaid or pirate and basically gets the kid to start demanding to their parents about how they want to be a mermaid instead of a princess."- trollsong
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The horror!
Being booked into a junior suite at Disney World instead of an executive suite!
It's almost as bad as having no money for groceries, or no food to feed you children...
Said absolutely no one.