There's not a woman I know between the ages of 17 and 70 who has access to technology and never gotten an unsolicited d*ck pic.
Note, I specified unsolicited.
This article will not be about consensual d*ck pics. We love and encourage whatever y'all are doing with consent.
Reddit user idkmanfckdis asked:
"What is the best reply a woman can give to a d*ck pic?"
Now, in *my* world, the best possible thing that can happen is for someone to become a character in the ongoing story that is my life.
That's how my long-time readers have gotten to know characters like "Mariachi Neighbor" and "Patty Poopy Pockets." It's how you'll all get to know the now-infamous "Wet D*ck Pic Guy" and hear about how I responded.
But not yet. First, we're going to talk about the way Reddit responds.
The Leader Board
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"Send him back a d*ck pic."
- Magnon
"But much larger."
- lionsmakemecry
" 'I'm sorry but you are not the current winner. Here is the current leader. I wish I could tell you it was close but..it wasn't.' "
- No_Manufacturer5641
"The current 'wiener'?"
- CartoonistExisting30
A Referral
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"Screenshot, circle a random spot, send it back. 'Omg what is that??? Are you ok? You should go to a doctor.' "
- Insanus_Umbra
"Better yet, don’t send the picture with a circle. Leave them guessing which part you’re talking about."
- D_r_D_a_p_p_e_r
"Oooh or send it back to him with a text also saying something like 'Eww look what he sent me. Why does it look like that?'"
"Then apologize and say that was meant for your group chat."
- g_lay
Zoom
" 'Sorry my phone doesn't zoom in that far.' "
- Keeyn1
" *emotional damage* "
- Somebody-or-somethin
"Such brutality."
- EastClintwood89
HELP
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" 'This is an automated message generated by the Instagram team. Your image has been found to be a violation of 42 U.S.C. § 1283 (2020).' "
" 'An image you sent has been scanned by our Al Bot and was flagged as an unsolicited picture. Your account is scheduled to be reported to the police.' "
" 'Our bot is currently in BETA testing; sometimes it makes mistakes. If you believe this message was in error, reply "HELP" Otherwise, you will be contacted by your local authorities within 24hrs.' "
- OkDraw8445
"And once he replies HELP, delete your message and take a screenshot of him sending a photo of his d*ck and saying 'HELP.' "
- petrogradsky
Slice Of Life
"Hotdog slicer or banana slicer."
- silentspeck
"Cigar cutter also a good one."
- andariel_axe
"I have been using this one for years. It usually works quite well."
- kalmatar
"I’m a fan of this one. They never respond afterwards, go figure."
- aabrithrilar
Surrealist
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"Send them back a completely random picture. The more unrelated the better."
"He sends you a d*ck pic. You send him a picture of a potted cactus."
"But you don't add any other text. None. And you don't answer further."
"He will drive himself crazy wondering how what does that cactus mean. How is it related to his d*ck pic? Is it a threat? Is it an invite? Is it a meme that he hasn't learned yet? WHAT IS IT?!?"
"So, your best bet is to go surreal."
- inksmudgedhands
"When the going gets weird, the surreal start painting their giraffes."
- Gerbs79
Animal Kingdom
"One day I looked up the weirdest d*ck in nature. It's is the echidna penis which has 4 heads."
"Since then, I have it in my phone for whenever I or a friend gets a d*ck pic we didn't ask for."
- SecretCalligrapher67
"How about a hyena's pseudopenis, which the FEMALE possesses? And she has to give birth through it!"
- notthesedays
Enjoy The Silence
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"None."
"Men who send those are getting off on any response given. They want female attention and indignity. Don’t give it to them."
- feidle
"If I received an unsolicited picture like that it would be an instant block."
"You’re right. They’re just trying to get a rise out of girls and unfortunately they get that rise way too often. Both genders are fools."
- WhatJewLookinAt
"Even worse, I remember reading once an ask Reddit thread where they asked why guys send d*ck pics. Some of the top answers were 'I have a humiliation fetish and get off on women insulting me.' "
"So basically a majority of the top answers here would be exactly what those guys want."
- crimsonblade55
Dance Break!
"Link them to this video."
"It's essentially a Despacito parody, but telling people why you shouldn't send pictures of your genitalia."
- EccentricHorse11
Verbal murder
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"If it's unsolicited tell him child pornography is illegal"
-lornstar7
"That’s how you really get them to stop"
- Lonely_egg_McMuffin
"Wow wow wow, I thought you were supposed to get them to stop, not straight up murder them on the spot."
- YoBeaverBoy
"Big fan of this one."
- quirkytorch
"OP was asking for the best reply to a d*ck pic, not how to f-ing murder the guy."
- davm0515
Cute size
"It’s like a penis only smaller"
-TheOldTruth
"What is this, a penis for ants?!"
-ThePegasi
"Does that come in adult sizes?"
-monkeyshineny
It's more of your personality
"You’ve got more d*ck in your personality than your pants"
- S-S-Stumbles
"They were asking for a reply not an execution bro"
- TheDarkSoulHunter
"An instant kill, love it"
- aabrithrilar
"FATALITY!!!!"
- daneelthesane
Smallweenermon I choose you
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"Send one back in a Pokemon card format and challenge him to a battle"
- R3tr0_10
"but shrink it and give it a name like 'smallweenermon'."
- Haunting-Ideal4764
"It only knows one move."
"Minimize."
- MrHanslaX
Not the best response
"A picture of my little toe and the caption 'mine's bigger'."
- SociallyAwkardTurtl
"You must not have been on the internet very long if you think sending pictures of your feet will discourage the creeps."
- rekcilthis1
"I would be worried about them liking the image too much"
- Loose-Professor5364
"Jokes on you cuz he has a foot fetish 👣"
- the_drill2727
But what if...
"If unsolicited then I’d agree with most of these."
"But if from your BF, there’s a good chance he’s insecure about it just like some girls are insecure with their bodies aswell; so unless u have a friendly and I mean very friendly and open relationship I’d advise not joking about it cause they might laugh it off but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt"
"Now Idgaf I laugh everything off but I didn’t always so even if u hate DPs just let him know""
- Av-kay
Okay, my turn now.
A few years back, when I was actively dating, I had a Tinder profile. One of the images on that Tinder was of me with two of my then-bandmates. It was THAT picture, an image where I am fully clothed in a recording studio with two other people, that snagged me "Wet D*ck Pic Guy."
He swiped, I swiped. He was someone I had seen at shows a few times. I knew his name. He knew mine. He was good friends with a lot of my bandmates and friends connected to them.
Cool!
In fact, his opening message to me was to point out that we had a bunch of close mutual friends and remark how strange it was that we didn't know each other better.
I agreed, and made some comment about how his band and mine had even done shows together but he and I, as individuals, had never really talked.
So far, so good. And then it wasn't.
His next message was an Imgur link. I knew better, because I've been a citizen of internet for my whole life, but sometimes you just can't help but to click, ya know?
Curiosity killed the coochie.
I don't know what I was expecting; but I promise it was not the weirdly-wet (like slimey? the pic definitely gave "macaroni noises" vibe) and glistening, awkwardly half-hunched over, f*ckery that I got.
Why was it wet? You're very obviously on dry-land in the picture.
Why wouldn't you clean your room if it's gonna be in the background?
This was on Imgur and had been for quite some time. So do you just keep an album of d*ck pics to send to people who don't ask?
WHY. WAS. IT. WET ?!
I had tons of questions, but we all know asking them would have gotten us nowhere. Instead, I sent him back a "p*ssy pic" - an image of a cat snarling as it swats a mouse's corpse through the air.
And then I mentioned it to a friend.
Apparently yes, he was sending that same weird pic to a lot of women. And a lot of those women were friends, or friends of friends. Friends talk. Friends share screen shots.
"Wet d*ck pic guy" did not get anywhere with that pic except talked about in a LOT of group chats, rehearsal rooms, and back stage areas.
He also earned himself a new nickname and reputation that made things a lot, erm, *harder* for him in the music and dating scene.
Whoops...
Season 7 Oops GIF by Workaholics
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"y'all...i meant a SOLICITED dick pic😭"
- idkmanfuckdis
"LMFAO we out here roasting your man"
- k1w1g1rl
"THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. I haven't seen a single positive reply so far, all about unsolicited. Sending a private photo to a significant other that wants it is an okay thing for men to do guys..."
- jackrocks1201
"Cos most people getting dick pics didn’t solicit them. What did you expect? 'What a pleasant penis?'???"
- PuffinStuffinMuffins
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Never miss another big, odd, funny or heartbreaking moment again.
When we're intoxicated, or even the slightest bit tipsy from having a little too much to drink, our immediate perspective on things is hazy.
But there's nothing like a bit of alarming news or a jarring incident to snap us out of the fog and focus on the moment.
Sometimes alcohol isn't always to blame for our impairment.
It can be a state of mind, like a perpetual numbness from being complacent in life, and all it takes is one shocking moment to rattle us back to our senses.
Curious to hear from strangers online about this type of scenario, Redditor Known_Challenge_7150 asked:
"What’s one thing that sobered you up real quick?"
These individuals were witness to shocking events that sobered them up right quick.
Bleeding Out
"Got out of a taxi and found a naked man profusely bleeding from his head crawling up the driveway in my condo. Called him an ambulance completely forgot I was absolutely wasted until 45 minutes later when I'd helped him translate and in to an amublance and stepped in my front door."
"Later a few days later learned he'd slipped in the tub and literally crawled out for help. Poor dude. He was fine but I genuinely thought he was going to die there."
– DongLaiCha
Tragic News
"At a bachelor party and we got a phone call that the groom’s father had suddenly passed."
– accountnameredacted
Bottom Of The Barrel
"I went to visit my parents back in July. I was homeless and deep into fentanyl addiction so I lost a lot of weight. My folks could see it. They knew something was up. Anyway, I spent the night and I was getting ready to leave in the morning and I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long time. I finally had enough and told them everything. They took me to detox, from there I went to rehab. Graduated in August and been living with them ever since then. I have 160 days clean and sober."
– Crotch-Monster
A reality check can be enough for some people to snap out of it.
Like Father, Like Son
"Was driving a drunk friend home, he had been on a bender again and was smart enough to call me for a lift rather than try and drive. As I helped in to his house his mother came down the stairs and said 'your as drunk as your father' and went back upstairs. I haven't seen him drunk since then, he still drinks but the thought of turning into his dad scared him out of hard drinking."
– psycospaz
Busted
"Flashing blue lights."
– FiddleOfGold
"This sobered me up just thinking about it."
– redmaple_syrup
Losing Sight
"Woke up to no sight in one eye. I had cataract surgery so just thought one of the lenses had slipped and it was an easy fix. Eye doc says nope, you had a stroke. I loved soy sauce, teriyaki sauce and salty food, which caused high blood pressure, which caused retina damage. Over six months was able to get most of my eyesight back with medication, and all back within a year. Trying to navigate life with one eye was very sobering. Started taking HBP much more seriously."
– MissHibernia
Quitting The Bottle
"Looked up someone I went to highschool with who was an awesome guy. Found out he had been dead for 3 years from alcoholism, at age 33. I made an overnight change. I hadn't started drinking that night yet, 10 months ago. Haven't touched it again since."
– omgtater
These disturbing moments were enough for Redditors to immediately come to their senses.
Unplanned House Guests
"Me and a buddy Woke up in someone’s living room, realized neither one of us knew the people, they were just nice and let 2 drunk guys sleep on their living room floor. We didn’t even say goodbye."
– Oneinsevenbillion75
Serious Health Warning
"Elevated liver enzymes."
"And the knowledge that this sh** was gonna kill me and I just couldn't orphan my family over it."
"So I opted for recovery, instead."
"Clean and sober since June 5, 2009."
– Far_Meal8674
The Joyride
"Grew up in a rural area. The little town hosted dances at the hockey arena, everyone (adults and kids) went and they overserved everyone, regardless of age. I was maybe 16 or 17 and was absolutely sh*tfaced, and jumped in the back of someone's truck with about 8 other people to go back to someone's cottage for after dance drinking. The driver (still don't know who it was) started racing one of his buddies and we whipped around small dirt roads, flying around blind corners on the wrong side of the road, going god knows how fast. It was basically a disaster waiting to happen. It was crazy scary and I was sober and thankful to be alive when we finally arrived."
– foxfood9116
The human psyche is a fascinating thing, isn't it?
How we can automatically focus on something urgent at a crucial time, even after getting buzzed from drinking too much alcohol.
But as we're in the thick of the holidays, it's a good reminder to drink responsibly and stay off the roads if you drive to your celebratory destination.
Cheers. Stay safe. And happy holidays.
We've all complained or vented about something in our lives which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't exactly a problem, or is very easily solved.
Then there are those who complain about things that others almost hope will happen to them at some point in their lives.
These are known as "first world problems", as they are problems that pretty much only the world's one percent faces.
From having to fly business class instead of first class, or being served Roederer instead of Dom Pérignon, these complaints are often met with amusement, bewilderment, or even anger.
Redditor jennimackenzie was curious to hear the most absurd "first world problems" anyone ever complained about, leading them to ask:
"What’s the most ridiculous 'first world problem' you’ve seen people get worked up over?"
"Tale As Old As Time..."
"I once knew a mom who was legitimately devastated, to the point of tears/grief, because a doctor predicted her 8 year old daughter's final height to be around 5'2","
"Which wasn't tall enough to get cast as Belle at Disney World."
"That was the child's (and her mother's) only dream in life, apparently."
"Didn't appreciate my suggestion that she could be Minnie or Mickey."
"Lol!"
"Only a face character would do!"- TravelLovingMom
"Must Be Funny, In A Rich Man's World..."
"My boss from about a decade ago was this insanely rich dude who always went to the bank to get fresh and crisp currency."
"He'd call the bank in advance to make sure they had some on hand."
"I think he was a germaphobe."
"He had a trash can that he'd throw $1 and $5 bills in that he thought was 'dirty' and regularly just donated it vs spending it."
"I asked him why he did this and he said it was too much trouble and asked if I wanted it."
"I said f*ck yeah dumped it into my bag and when I got home it was close to $400 in singles and fives.
"Another time, he wanted to upgrade all the computers in his studio, so we went to a store and bought 10 PCs."
"They all had $150 mail in rebates and he wasn't bothered to go through the trouble of mailing them in."
"3 weeks later I received $1500 after spending a whole afternoon filling out all those goddamn forms."- azninvasion2000
Money Burn GIF by nog
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Who Wore It Better?
"When I was about 19 years old, I was at my boyfriends family BBQ."
"I was wearing this pretty floral sundress."
"His cousins girlfriend showed up in the same dress and she was SO mad that she went and changed."
"I will never understand being upset when someone is wearing the same thing as you.'
"Did you really think that your shirt you bought off the rack is going to be unique to you?"
"No."- mertsey627
Seeing Red! Or Blue In This Case...
"The blue of the balloons wasn't quite the same as the bridesmaid's sashes."
"Years ago my wife and I attended a wedding."
"It was very low key."
"The dinner was in the dining hall at the university where the couple met, cinder block walls and all."
"It was a Baptist wedding - no booze and very serious."
"The dark blue balloons attempting to liven up the hall were a slightly darker shade of blue than the sashes on the bridesmaid's dresses."
"The bride lost here sh*t and absolutely raved for nearly an hour."
"I can't remember how they finally managed to talk her down."- mechant_papa
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See You In Court!
"Rich neighbors who end up in expensive court battles because they disagree about where a tree can be planted or whether the color of a fence fits in with the street’s 'amenity'."
'These disputes get really heated and rack up huge lawyers’ bills."
"The most pathetic part is after the judgement when they are arguing about who should pay the other party’s costs."
"Lots of affidavits filed citing the 'emotional distress' they had to endure, or painting themselves as brave warriors who were forced to take a stand to fight for 'justice'."
"Also lots of pompous litigants insisting that the judge refer to them by their 'Dr' title."
"An absolutely insane dumpster fire of entitled rich people problems."- ElectrocRaisin
It's Always People With Money Who Don't Want To Pay!
"I work in a public library."
"People will get so so mad if they have to be put on a wait list for a book."
"A popular book that just came out."
"Ok our services are not only free but so are the books."
"You’re welcome, a**holes."- Switchbladekitten
A Warm Butt Is A Happy Butt!
"My own."
"We have a bidet toilet seat (Fabulous! Everyone should have one!) and not only does it wash your bum and blow dry it, but the seat's heated!"
"It's shocking how much a heated toilet seat makes the whole process more agreeable."
"Except: We had a power outage and I went to use the toilet and the seat was cold!"
"Unacceptable!"
"This shall not stand!"
"I was really upset because it didn't feel good."
"Then I stopped and thought: This is the most first-world problem anyone's ever had."
"I was really pissed because my heiny was tepid."
"I got over it."- DeathGrover
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Holy Matrimony!
"Weddings are a gold mine for this question."
"People get so hyped up over their 'most important day of their life'."
"They'll destroy friendships, go into debt, and have crazy expectations."
"It's not always the couple who go crazy, either."
"Sometimes, it's the parents or another family member who feels entitled to control the wedding."
"It's just a party."
"Be considerate of guests, have plenty of food and drinks, and enjoy it."- magicrowantree
When Fast Food Isn't Fast Enough...
"Having to pull off to the side to wait for a drive-thru order to be brought out to you because your food isn't ready and there's a line building up behind you."- demanbmore
In Case You Don't Think Customer Service Employees Are Undervalued...
"I was working the return desk at a Target next to a military base so I have so many stories."
"One of my favorites was a lady who had her baby shower before revealing the gender and was livid that she had received floral newborn diapers when she’s having a boy."
"It was a huge box of super expensive, all organic diapers, that we didn’t carry and therefore could not return."
"I cannot accurately express her fury and disgust."
"How dare either suggest her boy could wear feminine diapers."
"I suggested she donate them if she didn’t want to use them and she instead threw away the entire box."
"When she left we pulled it out and threw it in our donate bin."
"There have also been multiple times where mom’s order massive toys and when we bring them out to the car they get furious that they aren’t wrapped."
"We don’t offer wrapping services."
"Here’s the thing, if you don’t want your kids to see the toys you got them for Christmas or their bit to day DON'T BRING THE CHILD WHEN YOU PICK IT UP."
'I’ve had multiple women scream and curse me out that I had ruined their kids Christmas by bringing the toys they ordered out to the car like they requested."- clever-mermaid-mae
Customer Service Waiting GIF by Juno Calypso
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Happiest Place On Earth!
"I used to work for Disney."
"That in itself should tell you everything."
"However for fun I'll give you two specific stories one form our tech department and one from my wife who worked bookings."
"I specifically worked for their call center to help with technical issues with magic band and the website."
"Suddenly got worse huh?"
"A right of passage call everyone has at least one story of is the 'Dome call'."
"Basically there is a subset of Disney Guest (TM) that believes if it rains at Walt Disney world there is someone that will push a button to encapsulate the whole of Disney property in a dome to keep out the rain."
"I'm not kidding."
"If this button is not pushed they call our tech department to angrily ask why."
"My wife worked booking."
"Pretty much everything including Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique and Pirate's league."
"These two things did roughly the same thing difference being price and theme."
"BBB was expensive did more and was focused on princesses, pirates league did a bit less and focused on mermaids and pirates."
"Lady called up my wife, and got pissed about BBB being booked up (It goes FAAAAST)."
"Karen: 'Im going to give the phone to my daughter and I want you to tell her how you are ruining her vacation by not letting her do BBB'."
"Wife proceeds to explain how pirate's league is so much cooler and how she can be a mermaid or pirate and basically gets the kid to start demanding to their parents about how they want to be a mermaid instead of a princess."- trollsong
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The horror!
Being booked into a junior suite at Disney World instead of an executive suite!
It's almost as bad as having no money for groceries, or no food to feed you children...
Said absolutely no one.