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It can be a difficult conversation to ask somebody to willingly give up their child, even if you believe that that is in the child's best interests.


u/chernandez0999 told us the story:

Would it be out of line for me (25F) and my husband (29M) to offer to adopt my sister's (22F) unborn child?

So my husband and I had our first child about a year ago and definitely want to add 1-2 more children to our family but via adoption. I had a horrible pregnancy and our daughter got some genetic problems she inherited from her dad's side of the family and we would prefer not to risk passing it on to subsequent children.

My sister just found out she is pregnant with her 3rd child with her boyfriend of 1.5 months. She is 22 with a 2 year old, 4 month old, and the baby in utero. Her boyfriend doesn't have a job, she is on a leave of absence from work for mental health issues (Borderline Personality Disorder and PPD). None of her kids were planned and she's not yet divorced from her husband whom she had the first 2 kids with (She left her husband for her now BF during her maternity leave). She makes $16/hr and is about to have her home foreclosed and car repossessed because she can't afford them along with daycare and other expenses. My sister has expressed interest in placing the new baby up for adoption to our mother but not yet mentioned it to me. My husband and I have considered offering to adopt her child but I'm not sure if it would be out of line to offer this arrangement to her?

TLDR: Sister (22F) pregnant with 3rd child. The father is her bf of 1.5 months. She mentioned placing the baby up for adoption to our mother but not me. Can I offer to adopt her baby?

Here was some of the advice she got.

One

I would probably ask my mom to broach the idea with my sister, as she is the one that the sister confided in. She could just ask if your sister would like that idea, if you were interested. If the answer is yes then you talk to her, if no then you avoid an awkward conversation.

WasJosie

Two

In family adoptions can be really tricky, because the lines are blurred. Your child will have full blooded siblings that they will see all the time. Your sister will have to see her child that she gave up all the time. It can get messy.

I think that you can offer, but if she refuses, please don't be offended. It might not be the best arrangement for her, or what she thinks is best for the child.

enrichmentonly

Three

Is it out of line to have the conversation? No.

But you have (HAVE to) have some very very clear boundaries with yourself and your sister if you do.

First for the conversation itself - if she says no, if she rejects it out of hand, or says yes and then changes her mind, that's the end of it.

If you did adopt the baby - it would have to be yours. Do it legally through the proper channels. "No takesie backsies" is literally the most important rule you can have once the baby is legally yours. The baby would have to be your child, not 'on loan', or it will end in tears and a broken family. Everyone would need to think of and treat the baby as if it had been bourn by you.

My parents almost (as in, days away from it being formalised, we had the baby in arms, we were all sold on the idea and expecting it to happen and bonded to her) adopted my cousin's daughter when I was a teenager. At the last second my aunt (a classic narc if you hang out on RBN) realised that if the adoption went through legally she would 'lose' control of the baby, that my mother and father wouldn't stand for any interference in raising her. Because her daughter (baby's mother) was underage, she was able to nix the whole thing. It was spiteful, it was horrible, it took a very long time for my parents to recover. The baby was ultimately given to strangers that my aunt thought she could manipulate - ironically, they played nice just until the papers were inked, then took the baby and ran right out of my aunt's circle of influence. My almost-sister is now a preteen and I hear she's doing well, but we still miss her in my family. It always feels like someone is missing.

I know how painful this can be if it falls to pieces, so it is worth really thinking hard about what kind of family you have, what sort of people your sister and her boyfriend are. Both have to agree. Both have to surrender parental rights. They will have an enormous amount of power over you until the adoption is legalised - and they might struggle to give up that power after the fact. Sit down with your husband and have a talk about what concessions you would be willing to make before you speak to your sister - she will have some conditions, and it's better to know how far you're willing to compromise before you start negotiating.

It is worth having the conversation, but your sister would need to be very very clear that she would have no right to input on your raising of the baby. It comes down to whether that's something that would work within your family dynamic.

fudgeyboombah

Four

Hi, I'm replying because this happened in my family exactly like the scenario you're describing.

Basically my mom was like your sister: young, irresponsible, and having lots of kids. I was the first child my mom had by her first boyfriend and my aunt (mom's sister) loved me to bits but hated the way my mom was raising me (poverty, barely holding down jobs, etc.). So when my mom got pregnant again by a totally different boyfriend, my aunt was pissed. So about a year after my sister was born, my aunt adopted her.

The outcome?

(1) I still call my sister "my sister" even though she is legally my cousin. We are both adults now, both went to college, are very happy with our lots, and I'm going to be a bridesmaid in her wedding!

(2) my sister had a lovely stable childhood that, as the eldest who just had to deal with being raised by a crappy mom, I was resentful about for a while. I often wondered why my aunt picked my little sister over me for adoption. But that passed by high school and I just sort of got over it.

(3) my mom has never gotten over it. She feels guilty everytime my sister/cousin calls her "aunt" instead of "mom"

(4) my mom and her sister (my responsible aunt) have a bad relationship still. But tbh I don't care. I still love my aunt and if my mom 25+ years later still doesn't want to grow up that's on her. I personally believe my aunt was very generous.

Anyway I hope this helps in some way! It isn't a crazy thing to do and I think for the child it can actually be really beneficial as it was for my sister/cousin!

Captain_Aly

Five

Don't think this is a good idea. Your mom adopting is different because she is the grandma. You adopting as the aunt makes it harder. You'll want to raise a child your own way- and your sister coming in at any time to disrupt that wouldn't be Stable for the child. It's so tricky because she could change her mind later on...

princess_paris

Six

So... this is a tough one because it's also quite emotional. Since I am assuming that she only discussed this with your mother, don't mention it unless she brings it up with you. Thinking her trust was betrayed like that would not be good. If she talks to you about it, maybe talking to her a couple days or a week after she confides in you would be appropriate. I can't tell you if your sister will think it's out of line however. If she is serious about this and likes you as a parent then it would hopefully provide a lot of peace of mind for her.

ClutchAgenda2

Seven

I don't think it would be a better idea than adopting from elsewhere. Your sister has some mental health issues and I can see some problems arising. Even if yo I fully legally adopt her child, she will likely still see herself as the mother and try to co-parent. She may feel entitled to make decisions or drop by unannounced. At worst, she may change her mind in the future and decide she wants the child back. While you would have legal rights, it would not be easy to navigate that situation

Pm_meyourpoutine

Eight

There was a similar situation that occurred in my family, but with a cousin and an aunt. My aunt and uncle are very well off and are good people, so when my cousin got pregnant, they offered to adopt her baby. She already had two other children who she did not have custody over, no job, and no steady living situation. However, they had one stipulation, THEY would be the baby's parents, not my cousin. My cousin was free to see the baby as much as any other family member would, but she would not parent the child at all. My cousin refused to do this, and eventually got the baby taken away by the state.

Not saying that it cannot be successful in some situations, but there has to be a clear definition of who is raising the child. Your sister would have to treat this child like a niece/nephew, not a child, which could be difficult.

nuggetblaster69

Nine

Totally out of line in my opinion. I can see your logic but you are in the throws of your own emotions and you need to chill and clear your head.

Unfortunately, both the child and your sister (and her other children) would likely come to deeply resent that you would rather help by splitting a family, rather than help by supporting your sister to be a good mother to all of her children and fighting to keep her family together.

Your fertility issues are guiding you towards ideas that no one would recommend, our court systems, child protection, medical institutions etc spend Yonkers researching and trying to understand the best interest of the child. And it's always to stay with mum unless circumstances are extenuating, and in such an instance you couldn't just leave her other kids in that situation.

You are too close to the situation with your own personal issues going on, so it was a good idea to ask for advice. But also let these institutions and some facts about child welfare help balance your personal attachment to the issue.

poo_window

Ten


I would not want to add a disabled child to your family when you've already got one child with health issues.

If you think the baby will be healthy, I think you could offer it, but I'd only do it if you sister gets her tubes tied. She's already got two children from a previous relationship and is pregnant by her boyfriend of 1.5 months and she's only 22. That is not normal, acceptable, or healthy. If you could convince her she is in no position to have more children, already has two and will struggle enough with those due to her BPD, and she gets her tubes tied, she'll at least not make her situation worse.

monster_peanut

Image by Foundry Co from Pixabay

Now that college has become a standard requirement for so many jobs and careers, there is a massive push by high schools to get their graduating students accepted and enrolled at an undergraduate college.

On the whole, that's undoubtedly a great thing. A more educated workforce will be prepared to solve the most complex issues facing human beings in the next several decades.

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Image by Gianni Crestani from Pixabay

*The following article contains discussion of suicide/self-harm.

The person on the other end of a 911 call has a truly remarkable job.

For those who don't play that professional role, we hope to never encounter the 911 call interaction. But if we do find ourselves making that call, the moment is an anomaly in our lives.

The chaos, the panic, the racing heart, and the desperation are all emotions we, ideally, don't experience on a regular basis.

But for the operator on the other end, our call is one in a long line of calls they've received all day, and all the workdays before that one.

It's difficult to imagine being embedded in those uniquely urgent, emergency moments all the time.

Some Redditors who are on the other end of that call shared their experiences on the job.

WhimsicalxxButcher asked, "911 dispatchers what has been your most creepy/unnerving call?"

For a few, the most unnerving moments were the calm callers.

There was something just so eerie about how level-headed the faceless human being on the other end could be through such a desperate, tragic moment.

Almost Clinical 

"I had a friend who worked as a 911 dispatcher and he always said the worst call he ever had was a ~20 year old kid who committed suicide by mixing a bunch of chemicals together in his car to produce hydrogen sulfide gas."

"He said that the most unnerving part was hearing him calmly listing off the chemicals, the type of gas produced, and the effects of hydrogen sulfide on the body (namely the almost instant death it causes at high concentrations)."

"He ended the call by providing the address of the parking lot he was in and saying that nobody should approach the vehicle without hazmat equipment."

"Apparently after that there was a whooshing sound as he dumped the last chemical into the mix, and then the line went dead silent aside for a quiet fizzing noise."

"I know that call screwed him up because he almost never talks about stuff that happens to him on the job. He quit a few months later to go into construction management, and frankly I can't blame him."

-- iunoyou

Planned Out 

"A woman called me, saying she was going to kill herself. She was gassing herself. Gave me her name & address then said she was just going to lie down and 'go to sleep.' And stopped responding to me."

"I kept the line open, trying to get her to speak to me, and eventually heard officers forcing their way in to find her body. I guess she just wanted someone to find her body."

-- mozgw4

Before It Set In 

"When I got a call from a 6 year old who got home from school and laid down to take a nap with his dad. His dad never woke up."

"The kid was so calm when calling it broke my heart."

"I ended up leaving dispatch shortly after. I was good at compartmentalizing the job for the year I was doing it, but it would've broken me in the long run."

-- tasha7712

Other 911 operators were unfortunate enough to receive a call from the very last person they wanted to hear from: a loved one.

These dispatchers' unique position gave them the unexpected access to a family member or friend at their most dire moments.

No More of That 

"My family member is a long time first responder, and 'retired' into doing dispatch. He heard the address (someone else was taking the call) and realized it was his daughter's house."

"He rushed over there just in time to see them wheeling her body out. Overdose."

"Five months later, he was called to his ex-wife's place because his grandson (son of the daughter who recently passed) had his door locked, lights on, but wasn't responding to his grandma."

"He broke the door down and found him deceased in bed. Overdose."

"He's very stoic after years of all sorts of traumatic situations but my heart hurts whenever I think of what all of this must have felt like. Like sand through your fingers."

-- bitchyhouseplant

Knowing the Address

"Not me, but my grandma. I was sitting in the dispatch office, (very small one only 2 dispatchers including my grandma) but she put out a dispatch that there was a gun shot from my best friends address."

"My heart sank to my stomach and broke later that day. He committed suicide."

-- OntaiSenpuu

When it Happened 

"My uncle passing away. Worked as a small town dispatcher for a year or so. Had a bunch of messed up stuff happen on shift, but this call came in in the still hours of the night. Small town, so not many calls after midnight."

"I answered and recognized the name and address on caller id. Aunt was in a frenzy so didn't recognize my voice. I remained calm and got ems and fire rolling to them, but by my aunt's own words he was already blue."

"I went thru debriefing and mandated therapy for a couple other things that happened, but never really talked to anyone about this. I just try not to think about it."

"That was the call I figured out I needed to find a different job."

-- dangitjon

Finally, some simply had a front row seat to sudden tragedy.

These operators were flies on the wall when disaster struck. They never asked to witness what they witnessed, but sometimes that came with the territory.

A Holiday Tragedy 

"My mom is a 911 dispatcher. Early on she said one Christmas Eve while working she got a call from an elderly lady who's husband had just collapsed(and died) from a heart attack and in the background Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas music was playing on blast."

"The lady was screaming and crying and begging for her husband to wake up but my mom could hear his gurgling in his last breathes. She doesn't listen to or watch Alvin and the chipmunks since."

-- Blueflowerbluehair

What is it About Christmas?

"Christmas night. 911 call with crying child on the other end. A neighbor had run her car over her mom during a domestic."

"The mom crawled to the porch bleeding and the child saw the car coming back. I had her hide quietly in a closet with the cordless phone."

"The 10 year old child was crying and screamed that she hated Christmas. She was afraid of the police when they got there."

"I kept her on the phone until she felt safe enough to give the phone to an officer. I almost fainted after that call was over. Had nightmares for a while."

-- 2FunBoofer

Close to Home 

"Not a dispatcher but I handle radio communications for the Coast Guard. One night I was on the radio and got a call from an 11 year old kid whose boat had started to sink. He was out with his dad and 6 year old brother."

"They had been hit by another boat and his father got knocked unconscious. I remember the entire conversation up until the radio had gone underwater."

"They ended up finding his dad floating on his back alive but the two boys didn't make it. That one really fu**ed with me because my two littlest brothers were around the same age as the youngest."

-- HIRSH2243

A Horrible Clock 

"Another one that stays with me was the man who called in. It was the anniversary of his adult son having hanged himself. He'd now come home to find his wife had done the same."

"That date is always going to be a black day for him."

-- mozgw4


If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

Again, we hope you never have to use the 911 call in your life. Nobody wants to be involved in a sudden emergency or a tragic incident.

But hopefully, if you do, an operator like one of these thoughtful, sensitive Redditors is on the other end.

Image by Nguyen Dinh Lich from Pixabay

When I was moving on from middle school to high school my parents had me tested for the "gifted" program. By some miracle I passed and was accepted. And then I turned it down. Everyone was irritated. "This will pave the way for any college you want! You'll learn so much!" his path will set you up for life!" Every adult tried valiantly to sell me this merchandise but in my gut I just wasn't buying it. So I "settled" a level below, merely advanced classes. And upon reflection... it was the best choice I ever made.

Redditor u/dauntlessdaisy was wondering how far some in life got by asking... For those of you who were considered "gifted" in school, what are you doing with your life now?
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Image by Markus Spiske from Pixabay

There's a million things that can happen to you while out on on the road.

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