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Woman Asks For Advice On Breaking Up With Her Non-Committal Boyfriend After He Refuses To Attend Her Sister's Wedding With Yearlong Notice

"He had a year. A YEAR."

Woman Asks For Advice On Breaking Up With Her Non-Committal Boyfriend After He Refuses To Attend Her Sister's Wedding With Yearlong Notice
https://pixabay.com/en/argument-conflict-controversy-238529/

How do you leave someone you love?

Breaking up seems almost easier when that love has abandoned the relationship. It's easier when you loathe the person/partner in question. It's easier if you've both come to terms on the partnership having run its course and split amicably. Anything else must be like sawing off your own arm, slowly, with a weighted saw, as evidenced by the Reddit story below:


I [27/f] love my BF [36/m] of 4 years, but he won't come to my sister's wedding, and I need to work up the courage to end our relationship

BACKGROUND

My (36/m) BF is a wonderful, remarkable person - never married, no kids, no real serious relationships before me. I love him with everything I am, and I would do anything to spend my life with him, but I think I've just reached my limit and I need advice on how to leave someone you love.

I met N four years ago and we've had this insane chemistry since the first time we spoke. He is a wonderful friend to his friends, a wonderful son to his parents, uncle to his niece, brother to his sister, but he is admittedly limited in his ability to be a functional romantic partner.

N has a severe dismissive-avoidant attachment style (diagnosed) which was exacerbated by an extremely serious injury at age 27 that resulted in the loss of a limb. I truly, truly believe that he loves me (although he has never been able to outright say it) and he tries to show me in the only ways he knows how - gifts, concerts, introducing me friends and family at events and holidays, and showing me how he feels physically. He is seeing someone about this and he is really trying to communicate better with me, and be present, and be supportive. After years of dating, he agreed to meet my sister when she was in town last - the only family member of mine he's ever agreed to meet. It's not that he doesn't want to meet them but a fear of commitment on his end. I've met his whole family, by the way. I was excited that he was able to take this step, and we celebrated it, but I'm starting to get exhausted. After 4 years, it shouldn't feel like pulling teeth to get him to participate.

However, I have always known that I cannot count on him to be there for me when I am upset. He wants to be, and tells me that I should tell him when I need him, but it always makes him skittish and squirrelly to deal with my emotions, so I try to limit his exposure to them, relying heavily on platonic friends and family to play that role in his stead. We do not live together because it gives him anxiety to share his space - and he needs a lot of space. We will have an intimate encounter and it will make him back off, and downplay it or pull away for weeks at a time.

I have been extremely patient and met many of my emotional support needs elsewhere, because I wanted so badly to believe he was worth it. I have pushed my needs back and down inside me to be compassionate and understanding about his fear of commitment.

SITUATION

My sister is getting married next month, and I want him to be my date. I told him I would be understanding if he told me he couldn't work up the nerve to come. I told him a year ahead of time so that he could have time to process the request. This is the only thing I have ever asked him to do for me in four years, and he recognized that it was important to me and said he would try.

But he's not coming. I know I told him before it would be okay, but I'm honestly just exhausted. I'm extremely upset that he's not coming, but I don't want to make him feel bad about it.

I'm just realizing that I'm tired of him not being able to show up. It's not that he doesn't want to, it's that he can't. I'm tired of not being able to count on him, and I need to end it, but I love him and I don't know how to follow through.

I want desperately for him to change, to be able to support me, but he can't. I feel like it's petty to end a four year relationship over not wanting to come to a wedding.

To be with him, I had accepted that we would never have kids, and that we would never get married, and that it would probably be years before he was ready to live together - so to leave him after making all those huge decisions to make it work seems small and ridiculous. I keep coming back to the fact that this is the only thing I've ever asked from him, and he wasn't able to follow through - but is that fair to act like it's a nothing request? It's a high pressure situation, with my whole family, when he's only met one family member before. I should say - it's not as if he has social anxiety because he ABSOLUTELY does not, he loves people and he's extremely extroverted and charismatic - for him the anxiety is about what attending a family wedding with me as a date means. It changes nothing for me, but it means something to him, he says.

I feel like I will regret ending it. I don't know how to break up with him when I don't really want to, I just cognitively know I need to.

How do I break up with a person that I love, but who can't meet my needs because of his own limitations. How do I make it stick?TL;DR: My BF is dismissive-avoidant, unreliable, and I realized I should want more for myself when he couldn't work up the courage to come to my sister's wedding. How do you break up with someone you love?

The Relief Will Come Fast

I used to date a guy who never fully let me in. The final straw for me was also a wedding. It wasn't even one that was super important to me, like a sibling's wedding. But after he bailed on countless other social situations where I really wanted him with me (including getting dinner with my family on my own birthday) I just was done. I was a bridesmaid but I only knew the bride and groom, who of course were busy the whole time, so I spent the night sitting alone with no one to talk to. The worst part was when I got dragged out to the floor for the bouquet toss. I tried to tell people that I wasn't single but no one actually believed me.

I broke up with him a few weeks later. It hurt at the time but almost immediately I felt relief. You will too. After all, being alone really isn't that lonely. But feeling alone while in a relationship? That's a loneliness that'll really get to you.

relachesis

You'd Be Surprised With How You Feel After

I feel like I will regret ending it. I don't know how to break up with him when I don't really want to, I just cognitively know I need to.

I think you might be surprised by how you feel after you break up with him. You will feel sad and bad about it, but at the same time I think you might find yourself feeling relieved. You've been living for a long time repressing your feelings, putting up a barrier to protect yourself from disappointment and living on false hope that it might get better. I really think it's going to feel good to let go of all of that and just be real.

I think it will help if you get some therapy and look into why you settled for so little for yourself for such a long time. You've done an incredible amount of sacrifice here and put your own needs on the back burner with very little reward. I think you need to look into why you fell into that pattern, so that you can hopefully avoid it again in future.

Please spend the next few months treating yourself better.

Waitingforadragon

Say "I Need Someone Who Can Meet My Simple Expectations"

This sounds exhausting, honestly. I'm surprised you've lasted 4 years in a relationship like this. It is clear that your needs are not being met, especially the needs that matter most to you. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be feeling this way. You need someone that will meet your simple expectations - because they are honestly simple, normal expectations.

You are not asking him to become an astronaut to prove his love to you. He can't even say he loves you after 4 years. Your BF needs therapy, not someone who bends at his every anxious whim. I do think you would be much happier when you're not feeling responsible and being held accountable for someone else's happiness and emotions.

Be kind to yourself!

F-ckOffAndDieNow

Write Out How It's Not The Relationship You Want

you list like 12 things that you want and gave up for him.

this is not the relationship that you want.

you can have loving feelings for a person and have them still not be able to provide a relationship that you want. this is not the relationship that you want (and what you want is normal and better than what he wants anyway, stop settling).

woman_thorned

How Much Have You Given Up?

So he's got a girlfriend a decade younger than him who's given up her desire to have a partner who loves her, get married and have kids to be with him. What's he given up for you again?

I dunno, call me insensitive, but medicalising the fact he's emotionally very self absorbed and selfish is giving him far, far too much credit.

You're getting to the age now where you're just starting to recognise [sic] the smell of the immense pile of bullsh-t you've been shovelling [sic].

Blahblahbluut

They've Become A Black Hole Of Emotion

I hate to be blunt, but you don't have a boyfriend.

You don't have a relationship.

You don't have a partner.

You have an albatross.

You have an emotional vampire.

You have a black hole. It takes and takes and takes and gives NOTHING back.

I feel like I will regret ending it.

Everyone experiences some loneliness after a breakup. Even after a breakup they chose.

But getting through that single period is so worth it to set yourself free to find a happy, rewarding relationship with an emotionally healthy human who is capable of being your partner and sharing a life with you.

You might have some lonely moments in the early days after the breakup.

But think how deeply you will KNOW it was the right decision when you are in a real relationship with someone capable of loving you.

You only get one life, as far as we know.

Don't waste it on someone who doesn't appreciate you and will never make you happy.

LifelongNoob

Remind Yourself, It's Just One More Nail...

Well, I wouldn't make this only about the wedding, but I would say that it's the final nail in the coffin and that you are too young to continue to live that way. I mean, let's be honest, as much as he pulls away from you, is he even going to care? At least in a sick way you know he can take care of himself because he will just pull out like he always does. You already live apart, you already don't talk for weeks at a time, so just be honest, and move on with your life.

belgiantwatwaffles

Ask Yourself: What's The Point?

We do not live together because it gives him anxiety to share his space - and he needs a lot of space. We will have an intimate encounter and it will make him back off, and downplay it or pull away for weeks at a time.

That right here would be a dealbreaker for most people. How can you imagine a future with someone like that ?

Also in a relationship we always have to make compromises. I do things for my gf and she does things for me. Whats the point of being in a relationship if you can't support your SO ?

2_S_F_Hell

Just Remember, You Have Time...

You keep saying "its not that he doesn't want to, its that he can't"

but he can. With his parents, sister, friends, niece... ect.

He just doesn't with you. Relationships aren't all about being comfortable all the time. Its about compromise and caring enough about the other person to want to make them happy. You have mentioned tons of sacrifices for him and the relationship and you haven't mentioned one that he has made.

Seems to me he knows you'll just go along with everything.

You are only 27 years old. You dont have to give up kids and a marriage and a fun fulfilling relationship for someone who doesn't even want to meet your family.

yourbiggest_fan

Old Wives' Tales People Still Believe For Some Reason

"Reddit user the_spring_goddess asked: 'What is an old wives tale that people still believe?'"

Close up of an owl tilting their head to side, looking bewildered
Photo by Josh Mills

The old wives' tales.

They are the stories of legend.

I think we all need a big DEEP Google dive though.

Where did they originate?

WHO ARE THE OLD WIVES!

You don't hear about them as much anymore.

It's like science and logic are suddenly a thing.

But they sure are a good way to keep your kids and their behavior in line.

Redditor the_spring_goddess wanted to discuss the tall tales we've all been fed through life, so they asked:

"What is an old wives tale that people still believe?"

"Wait an hour to swim after eating."

What a crock!

So many summer hours wasted.

I want revenge for that one.

Say Nothing

Giphy

"An undercover cop has to tell you he's a cop if you ask him."

LonelyMail5115

"Pretty much most advice when it comes to cops are old wives tales. I’m not even a cop but most of the advice you hear is pretty off."

I_AM_AN_A**HOLE_AMA

Say Something

"That you have to wait 24 hours to report someone missing."

Severe_Airport1426

"I really think this one is important and should be the top regardless. As it’s a piece of advice that needs to be relearned and the only way to do that is through awareness."

crappycurtains

"This used to be true. I think they changed it after some guy named Brandon went missing back in the '80s or '70s. You used to have to wait 24 hours if the missing person was an adult because they had 'a right to be missing' and then everyone realized that was stupid and stopped doing it."

AlbinoShavedGorilla

Body Temps

"That drinking ice cold water after eating oily foods will solidify the oil and permanently remain in your body. I informed my coworker that if your body temperature ever reached that point, you’d have bigger problems than weight gain."

chriseo22

"Oh, I have a cousin who 100% believed this. One of those guys who believed every early 2000s internet rumor and old wives tale. One night I chugged a big glass of ice water after dinner and he started freaking out and saying my guts were gonna harden."

"I sarcastically told him to drive me to the hospital if that happened. Obviously, nothing happened and the next morning I said something like 'Thanks for being on standby in case my guts filled with hardened oil.' He just walked off muttering under his breath."

apocalypticradish

Arms Down

"When I was pregnant, I was told by young and old alike that I should NOT raise my arms above my head or exert myself in such a manner because it could cause cord strangulation to my unborn sons and daughters."

Fatmouse84

10 Years Actually

Unimpressed Uh Huh GIF by Brooklyn Nine-Nine Giphy

"Chewing gum stays in your stomach for 7 years."

REDDIT

"I remember accidentally swallowing a piece of gum when I was a kid in like 1995 and just accepting my fate like welp, gonna have this in my stomach til high school I guess."

Gecko-911

I was so afraid to sallow my gum when I was young.

This tale is haunting.

High/Low

Hungry Debra Messing GIF by Will & Grace Giphy

"You can tell the sex of the baby by how you carry."

LeastFormal9366

"Pregnancy certainly wins awards for the most old wives tales. So much absolute BS was repeated to us by everyone we talked to."

IllIIIlIllIlIIlIllI

The Cursed

"If you’re a woman and you wear opal jewelry but opal is not your birthstone (October), you’ll never be able to have children, or will be widowed, or just generally have bad luck or something. You can counteract this by having a diamond in the same piece of jewelry as the opal, though."

"I have a nice opal ring that my parents gave me years ago, and I’ve had other women give me this 'advice' unprompted more than once when I’ve worn it. I have absolutely no idea where it started, but I’m pretty sure this little chunk of silicate rock has no concept of what month I was born in, let alone of how my reproductive organs work."

SmoreOfBabylon

Stay In

"Going outside with wet hair will make you get pneumonia. Or an earache. Or maybe arthritis. Depends on which old wife you listen to."

"Jokes on them - I haven't blow-dried my hair in decades and usually leave the house with wet hair in the morning. On winter mornings, the tips of my hair get frozen. No ear infections or pneumonia or arthritis yet."

worldbound0514

Dreams and Facts

"You never make anyone up in your dreams you've seen everyone in your dreams somewhere else before and never make anyone up entirely."

"How would you possibly prove that to be true? My partner adamantly believes this and tells me this 'fact' whenever I have a dream about someone I've never met before."

mattshonestreddit

"My late wife used to tell me that before she met me she would have dreams of standing at an alter on her wedding day but could never see the guy's face, no matter how hard she tried. After meeting me the face was filled in with mine. Don't know if it's true but one of those things I like thinking of every now and then when I miss her."

Darthdemented

Cracked

Getting Ready Episode 2 GIF by The Office Giphy

"Some people still believe cracking knuckles causes arthritis."

Choice-Grapefruit-44

"There's a doctor (Donald Unger) that cracked his knuckles a couple of times a day for 60 years, but only on one hand, just to prove it. Both hands remained exactly the same."

MacyTmcterry

I love my knuckles.

Do you have any tall tales to add to the list? Let us know in the comments below.

lottery tickets
Erik Mclean on Unsplash

A lot of workers daydream about some day winning the lottery and being able to say goodbye to their job.

Far too many workers are unhappy with their job duties, workplace dynamics or company culture.

But with a taste for luxuries like housing and food, they keep plugging away, year after year.

However not everyone feels that way about their job.

So what are these compelling careers?

Keep reading... Show less
Aerial view of a church in a small town
Sander Weeteling/Unsplash

There's something comforting about living in a small town.

It's characterized by close communities where neighbors know each other by name and there is an abundance of kindness extended to others.

Gift-giving is a commonality, as is the sharing of recipes, and people going out of their way to help each other in a time of need.

The pace of living in small towns is also a striking contradiction to city life, where crowds of people go about their busy lives without much interaction.

Curious to hear more examples of what small town living is like, Redditor official_biz asked:

"What's the most 'small town' thing you've witnessed?"

These are positive examples of a tight-knit community.

Live Updates

"We have a village Facebook page. Every time the ice cream man drives into the village, the entire page goes ballistic. People send live updates of where the van is and which direction he's heading. The ice cream man has started accepting DMs so he knows which streets to go down."

– PyrrhuraMolinae

Brush With The Law

"I’m from a town of less than 2,000 people. When I worked at the grocery store there people would often drop off stuff for my family members because they didn’t want to drive all the way down to our house. I no longer live there but recently got a call from my daughter. She had been stopped for speeding and handed over her license and insurance which happens to be in my mother’s name. The officer goes 'Hey, you’re Donnie’s granddaughter! I ain’t gonna write you a ticket but I’m telling Donnie when I see him tomorrow cause we’re going fishing.' She replied 'I think I’d rather have the ticket.'”

- Reddit

Roadside Catchup

"The traffic on the 'main street' of my town is so sparse, two drivers going opposite directions can stop and talk to each other for a few minutes without causing any problem."

– anon

When things go wrong, people take notice without incident.

Bank Robbery

"A guy robbed a bank and everyone knew immediately who he was and the teller got mad at him."

– AlexRyang

"A local bank was robbed and one of the tellers told the police to bring her a yearbook from about ten years earlier and she would be able to point the robber out. He had been in the grade before hers in school."

– Strict_Condition_632

Wise Woman

"When I worked at the bank in town there was an older lady that had worked there through 5 mergers."

"She knew everyone, there was a young guy yelling at me one day. She walked out of the back and he immediately quieted. She went off about telling his grandmother that he was treating young women like sh*t. She also said that if he didn’t straighten up not one girl in town would ever marry him she would make sure of it."

– ilurvekittens

Intoxicated Local

"Town drunk was paralyzed and used a motorized wheelchair to get around. I was driving home one Saturday night and said town drunk was passed out in his wheelchair doing circles almost directly in the town square. Had to call his brother who came and picked him up on a rollback truck. Strapped him down and drove off into the cold dark night."

– DoodooExplosion

Grazing Over To The Bar

"In my former small town, there was an older guy who'd lost his license after getting a few DUIs. Every day, he would ride his John Deere lawnmower to the corner bar around 3PM and sit around watching TV and sipping his beer well into the night. Then he'd head the couple miles back home on his mower. He even had a little canvass shell he put on when it rained or got too cold."

– brown_pleated_slacks

It's not surprising how small town people behave differently than those who are from metropolitan areas.

Welcoming Committee

"I lived in a small town. When I moved there, people would ask, 'Whose house did you buy?'"

–MoonieNine

"Move to a small town. 30 years later, you are still the new guy."

– impiousdrifter

"I lived in a small town for most of my childhood but I wasn't "from there" because my grandparents weren't from there."

– raisinghellwithtrees

"Worked with an older guy, relative of the owner of the business, he was 73. I asked him if he was a local, he said 'no his parents moved here when he was two.'"

– realneil

A Busy Day

"Lived in a town of about 5,000: A woman walked into the DMV on a Friday, saw that there were 3 people ahead of her and left to come back another time when they weren't so busy."

– KenmoreToast

Who Let The Dogs Out?

"My dogs got out while i was working. the police called my niece's elementary school (she was a 5th grader) to get her to round them up and take them back home."

– mediocrelpn

"There was a small kennel behind the police station for runaways. They called us saying they had our dog, and moments later our dog showed up home. He broke out of jail."

– Worried_Place_917

While life in a small town sounds appealing, I don't know if I can ever live in one.

I'm so used to life in big cities, I think it would be quite unnerving to adjust in a neighborhood where everyone literally knows your business.

I would be paranoid.

And I'm sure the same could be said of life in the big city.

Would you consider making the switch to life in a different setting?

Two women laughing
Photo by Dave George on Unsplash

Every now and then, a friend of ours might say something, or we might overhear a complete stranger say something that makes us stop in our tracks.

More often than not, what we can't believe we just heard is something so ridiculous, we can't help but put the person who said it in their place.

Other times, however, what we just heard might have stunned us silent because of how shockingly clever it was.

Resulting in our not wanting to scold or yell at someone, but rather give them a handshake.

Redditor SubmergingOriginal was curious to hear the sharpest and wittiest things they've ever heard, from friends and strangers alike, leading them to ask:

"Enough with the dumbest; what is the wittiest thing you've ever heard someone say?"

Don't Give Me So Much Credit...

'I was on a team at work that was on a project working insane overtime."

"One night after an 80-90 hour week, we were all sitting around the table trying to finish up so we could go home."

"Around 11, my buddy's wife called, dubious about the hours he'd been keeping."

"We heard her through the line - 'are you cheating on me?'"

"Exasperated, he looked at our boss, then replied 'honey, if I was cheating on you, I would have been home by now'."- lionbatcher

Eternal Optimism...

"Asked a blind guy if he'd been blind his whole life."

"He said 'Not yet'."- Feeling_Mode_6465

Free time Isn't The Only Thing He Has On His Hands...

"My brother got a vasectomy and when the doctor was releasing him and giving him instructions (with the nurse listening in), one of the orders was to 'come back and have a follow-up appointment after you’ve ejaculated 30 times'.”

"Without missing a beat my brother asked 'what time do you open tomorrow?'”

"The nurse couldn’t keep it together after hearing that."- UtahUtopia

Awkward Season 8 GIF by The Office Giphy

Double Whammy!

"My pal uses the phrase 'he doesn’t look strong enough to carry information' and it cracks me up every time."

"Calling someone stupid and weak in one fell swoop."- JennyW93

Can't Hide Your DNA...

'Whenever I jokingly insult my mum, she says 'that must be where you get it from'."

"She cracked the code."

"I can never offend her without offending myself."- JennyW93

Self-Sufficient!

"My brother was a line cook at a New Orleans restaurant."

"My mom was in town, staying at a fancy hotel, and he stopped by after work, still wearing his kitchen whites."

"He was reading a newspaper in the lobby waiting for her to come down when the shocked lobby manager sputtered at him, 'MAY I HELP YOU!?!?'

"He answered, 'thanks, but I know how to read',” and went back to his paper."- jobrody

Morph Current Affairs GIF by Aardman Animations Giphy

A Miracle!

"My brother-in-law’s comment."

"The entire family went out for my mother’s 80th birthday and after the meal we all went to a local park, largely occupied by the elderly, to rest."

"My mother needed crutches at this point, and they were resting against her bench."

"My 10-year-old niece, who looked like every starving waif image from Dickens, grabbed the crutches and started hobbling round the park."

"All the OAPs were following her progress with looks of pity until my brother ran up behind her, and kicked away the crutches."

"There was an audible gasp from round the park and then my niece picked the crutches back up and started chasing my brother, clearly intending to hit him."

"In the confused silence my brother-in-law’s voice rang out 'Praise be! She can walk again!'"

"We still think this was the highlight of the birthday celebrations."- DdraigGwyn

Still Legal, Whichever Way You Cut It...

"I picked up my pleasantly tipsy boyfriend from a nightclub."

"We were stopped by the Police for a random breath test."

"They asked me my age, and I said, 33."

"My bf blurted out '33? You told me you were 22'."

"Police just laughed and let me go."- Aggravating-Corgi379

Music Video Police GIF by Andrew W. K. Giphy

A Bit Too On The Nose?

"Business law class in college years ago, talking about the issues that black Americans had before the Civil Rights."

"Amendment, trying to travel through the south with the discrimination so rampant, trying to find restaurants to serve them and decent lodgings."

"My instructor was posing a hypothetical: 'So you pull up out front of this place, you're exhausted from driving for hours, and you see the sign out front says 'Ku Klux Klan Motel'."

"'What would you expect to find there?'"

"Without missing a beat, from the back of the room came this gem: "'Extra sheets in every room?'"- NedsAtomicDB

Not Yet, Anyway...

"I was working with my friend and his dad."

"My friend (26) heard an ice cream truck near where we were working."

"He asked his dad if he could have a couple dollars."

"His dad asked, 'what for?'"

"My friend told his dad that there was an ice cream truck in the neighborhood, and that they were playing music."

"My friends dad told him "'They don't charge anything to listen to the music'."- tatersalad1234567890

Words Escape You In The Literal "Heat" Of The Moment...

"A friend of mine is a teacher and her husband is known for his wit."

"She told this story to him:"

"One day at school a kid took the hall pass and returned reeking like smoke."

"She asked the kid if he’d been smoking and he denied it over and over."

"She was about to send him to the office when she noticed smoke coming from somewhere."

"She told the kid and he realized that he didn’t put his cig out completely and it was burning in his pants pocket."

"The kid noticed and frantically tried to put it out and someone finally poured water on it."

"Her husband sat listening to this with a weird look on his face."

"She asked him what was wrong."

“'What’s wrong???'"

"'This was probably the only chance you’ll have in your life to say literally, ‘liar,liar, pants on fire’ and you missed your chance'."- Luder714

On Fire No GIF by PEEKASSO Giphy

Amazing What You Might Say A Few Drinks In...

"When I went to a renaissance faire once, I went to a beer tent and ordered a Newcastle Brown Ale (seemed the most fitting for the surroundings)."

"The beer wench, without skipping a beat, said, 'Everyone wants a Newcastle - no one wants to remodel!'"- jayhof52

Read The Room People!

"My dad wiped out when skiing down a mountain and lost a ski."

"After a few minutes of hunting for it, he gives up, slings the one remaining ski over a shoulder and starts walking down the mountain in his ski boots."

"About half-way down, another skier stops and goes 'Gee! Did you lose a ski?'"

"My dad instantly replied 'No, I was out for a walk and found one!'"- PeterJoAl

There's a reason your mother always told you to "use your words".

As clever remarks can have a much more lasting effect on people than a push or shove.