Redditor AdRealistic03 wanted to discuss the shocking things we've all learned about our armed forces, so they asked:
"What are some NSFW secrets about the military?"
The military is littered with secrets, and I love secrets. Tell me more...
Hey Girl
Fight Dance GIF by tv2norgeGiphy"Been in for a long while now, the most apt descriptor I've heard:"
"'Gayest bunch of straight dudes you'll ever meet.'"
Tak_Jaehon
Baby Guards
"Our Air Force’s most critical asset, nuclear weapons, are primarily guarded by a bunch of really bored teenagers."
it_helper
"Navy is the same. The guy that Naruto runs to the galley is the same one that stands watch over the nuclear reactor."
satanyourdarklord
"Lowest ranks pull guard duties more often."
"Who's the lowest rank? That baby faced 18 year old who just joined up."
"Guard duties are up there as one of the most bone taskings going."
Daewoo40
The Side Hustle
"Sometimes the guy that administers the drug test is the same one that you get the drugs from."
Lazy-Plum-19
"I was our unit's drug test guy. I smoked weed every day because I obviously would not drug test myself. I was also really good at it so they wouldn't give the job to someone else. I could get our tests done and completed without mistakes in like 1/5 of the time of my predecessor. Didn't sell drugs, but I've given plenty away."
Changnesia_survivor
Oh My
"Swingers exist on every single base in the world, in Sigonella, they would use different boxes of detergent in the windows to show what they were into and what age range they were looking for. Patrolling the housing area became much more interesting when you see who lives in the houses and what they’re into."
catfartzz
Multi-Purpose
Hungry Labor Day GIF by BounceGiphy"The food boxes that come in literally say 'For prison and military use only.'"
BlackLotus8888
"My husband was watching a documentary with people in prison and was like hey we have the same blankets on the ship."
PricklyPix
No matter who eats it, it's been said nobody thinks any of that food tastes good.
How many?
Oh My Reaction GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy"I was selected 6 times in a row to be a urinalysis checker. Have seen over 2000 penises involuntarily."
Jarhead-Coffee
Bad Intentions
"The number of people who get sick and tired of being in the service who will go out and do some drug or another to get kicked out. During our Iraq/Afghanistan years, you wouldn't believe how many people would purposely pee hot or, females would intentionally get pregnant to get out of going."
Blackhawk-388
Not Sexy
"A friend of mine in the special forces told me since they are out in the field a lot, they get plenty of ticks. And while you can inspect yourself fairly well, you can’t inspect everything, so they pair up and spread their cheeks, and your mate has to stare into your anus to check you for ticks in there. Not very glamorous."
Litenpes
Health Issues
Okaay What GIF by ABC NetworkGiphy"Looooooottttts of chlamydia."
Triatomine
"My unit in Okinawa had the highest STD rate for the island. I was so glad I wasn't a part of any of that."
FightingNymph
Trashed
"Our oceans are loaded with garbage. LOADED."
"I would watch the long trail of garbage follow my ship, in the wake, as crew dumped the s**t off the fantail. Every single day. Miles and miles of trash. And this was just one ship. This was just one nation. Our oceans are full of garbage that will take centuries to erode. Our waters are littered with sh*t that fish are eating and dying on."
eyehate
Sounds like there is A LOT of fraternization in our Armed services.
Be careful out there.
Reddit user cheetozrgud asked r/AskReddit for the most obvious lies they had ever been told, and the subreddit did not disappoint.
"People of reddit, what is the most blatant lie that has ever been told to you?"
1.
We offer a true work/life balance and we're all like one big family here.
"We're all like one big family here" is the subtle way of saying "Conform or be eaten alive."
"We have flexible hours"
AKA
"We expect you to come to work at random hours no questions asked or you're fired"
2.
There was a dude I worked nights with at a grocery with who used to tell me about his time spent as a roadie for Pearl Jam, all the deep talks he'd had with Eddie Vedder and how Eddie would go to him for help on songwriting, Eddie always like, "Hey man, what was that riff you were just playing? Would you teach it to me?"
We were both just into our 20s at the time and had went to the same high school, there was no way any of his stories could have possibly been true.
3.
"I had 26 confirmed kills in Afghanistan" random dude in his early 20's at a bar, who was talking to my friend and I, and my friend is a veteran of Afghanistan. it didn't end well.
4.
GiphyWas in charge of a restaurant with myself and 2 other people there. One them came to me and said money had been taken out of her purse. I went to the other one and asked if she had taken it. She was like "no I would never are you sure you didnt do it." I was just like ok I will watch the tape and then call the gm. She just booked it out the door. I was just going to make her give the money back but man that was wierd.
6.
Kid once told me on his way to America on holiday the plane caught fire on both engines and they had to do an emergency landing in a military base. They where then taken to the hotel by "the helicopters with two spinners".
Same kid also told me that his uncle ran over his dad with a tank on accident because he was in the army and they let him take it home.
7.
GiphyWhen I was about 14, a girl in my class tried to convince my friend group that she had a secret twin attending boarding school in Switzerland and that they were planning on switching places without telling anyone else. She spent the next month counting down to what would be her 'last day' before her twin would take her place. She was genuinely shocked that none of us believed her.
8.
Rumor started in middle school that I stalked this girl. Now, I did have very strong feelings for her but I never stalked her. Rumor spread and it really hurt me, I asked her if she believed it and shed always tell me no. Found out later on that she actually started the rumor. Apparently she didnt like me and wanted to get rid of me, which..ok fair enough but, damn, could've just said something. And now I'm constantly afraid I'm doing something to creep a girl out, or that no one likes me, not even my friends so. Thanks for that, really, its fan-f**king-tastic
9.
"OK, I just restarted my computer."
No... no you didnt. You paused about 30-45 seconds on the phone so that I would think you turned your PC off. And look task manager says uptime of 45 days.
10.
GiphyWoman came into the store saying that the manager would replace her cell phone free of charge. I was the manager.
Thanks, Nigel.
My parents sent me a box just absolutely stuffed of snack sized "experimental" Taki flavors. Best thing I ever got. Next was a generic note from a 3rd grader named "Nigel" said "I hope you can see your family again". Kinda murdery, but the intent was good, everyone in the squad got a laugh.
Also disclaimer, I was only in Norway which made the note all the more hilarious.
The letters from kids are always the funniest. My favorite one was "Good luck in the next war." Little guy must have had some insider info...
Edit: found the letter
Good to know.
GiphyMake sure your care package isn't for someone in training, they might not be allowed to use those products.
My aunt sent me fuzzy pajamas and a box of chocolates to boot camp. She could not understand why I got in trouble for them and had to throw them away.
That's inventive.
I turned 40 while deployed and received a care package from my wife that had a fully inflated Mylar balloon, which I thought was pretty damn nifty and creative. The box had other stuff in it too, so it wasn't suspiciously light, yet when I sliced it open (thank god I didn't slice through to the balloon) up floated the colorful Happy 40th! balloon. Made my week.
Don't pack food with soap.
What ever you send PLEASE do not pack any soap or detergent in the same box as food. We got some really big boxes that had packages of detergent and lots of candy and all of the candy tasted like tide.
My father in law made me a few lbs of deer jerky long ago. The wife added a few bars of dial to the flat rate box and ruined every bite. I still ate it. I regret nothing.
Hot sauce makes everything better.
GiphyCondiments such as hot sauce.
Food is not always bad but it's very predictable. Hot sauce makes it much better.
Just make sure you wrap the bottles really well. Postal centers overseas tend to just ignore "fragile" during the shipping and handling process.
Also, the hotter the better. Daring each other to test the hottest sauces we can find is great entertainment.
The best care packages ever.
I've seen a few of these on here already, but I will reiterate for the important ones:
- Beef jerky. Any kind of jerky, honestly. Tuna fish too. Sounds weird, I know. Sometimes that quick shot of salty, greasy fish will keep you going. It comes in single serving bags, way better in the field than cans.
- Hot sauce. One of the best care packages I ever had the pleasure of was nothing but 16 bottles of different types of hot sauce one of my buddies got and we all shared. Not joking, seeing what was in that box when my buddy opened it is one of the best memories I have of the war.
- Baby wipes. When I was deployed I went out on a few extended missions, sometimes for a week or two. I took a shower in the field once. One time.
- Things have changed a lot in the last 14 years, but I loved getting DVDs. I don't know what the equivalent would be in 2020.
- Visine. I discovered this too late for it to have been helpful for me. To this day I still occasionally have dreams where my mouth and nose and eyes are completely clogged with dry sand and no amount of me trying to get it out helps. My eyes at least would have loved me discovering visine long before I did.
- Magazines. The print kind, not the bullet-holding kind. Anything from smut to housekeeping, it doesn't matter. National Geographic was my favorite, and it ages well.
This was specific for me, I just wanted to share it: My girlfriend used to put a small note on anything she sent me. Message simple and sweet, and she'd leave a kiss in lipstick on it and spritz it with her perfume. I don't think I ever told her how much that meant to me. But damn sometimes that really got me through. I still have some of those notes.
FLAVOR FLAV!
My parents sent me a care package full of cheap toys once. Dart guns, noise makers, little toy army men, a small etch a Sketch etc. We all played with the toys for a day or so and it was entertaining, and afterwards we gave all the toys to local kids who enjoyed the hell out of them.
Saw a kid 3 weeks later who made the etch a sketch into a weird necklace. Looked a little like a 3rd world version of Flavor Flav. Kinda made me feel like not all is bad in the world.
Now I'm just laughing my butt off thinking about some 3rd world kid running around shouting "FLAVOR FLAV!!!!"
Better than a woobie.
GiphyMy all time favorite was a church group where each contributor made a blanket representing their home state. I still have that blanket and NO ONE, not even my girlfriend is allowed to use it. It's draped over the back of my reading chair in the library. It's even better than a woobie.
"It's even better than a woobie."
Now now now, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Yum.
Someone sent us two rum cakes. Wrapped in cellophane, still moist and delicious. That was a golden, sunlit moment amid a dreary and painful deployment.
We sent Christmas cake... It was so moist with the rum we got them merry....and then sick .... But they all loved it..
This is nice.
Send spicy ketchup from Whataburger
386 ELRS/CSS Unit 61408 APO, AE 09855/1408
I'm on it buddy, I have some time tomorrow. Anything else you want?-Skinwalker-
All needed items.
GiphyBatteries. You wind up having half as many as you need, and it gets you mad. Command want you mad, so you take it out on the enemy.
Cards, travel games, dice. Not only is it nice to have entertainment that doesn't need batteries, but can be stored in a pocket, and sometimes traded or gifted to a local as goodwill.
Baby wipes. Does it need to be stated why these are good and useful?
There's a reason why they have PTSD.
I knew someone who was infantry in Iraq so I sent his squad a crate of Gatorade powder. Like enough to make vast quantities of the stuff when mixed with water. According to him they had water but not nearly enough electrolyte replenishment. It was very well-received.
I also made the mistake of sending him a cheap digital camera (this was slightly before phone cameras were any good) for him to keep, and asked him to send pictures. He did, and some are horrifying beyond description. I have no idea how anyone can *not* get PTSD after living through that.
Noted.
I was always grateful for care packages when deployed, but 2 hard lessons learned:
- Booze shipped in an emptied mouthwash bottle (like rum) still tastes like Listerine, no matter how many times you wash out the bottle prior. Made us super sick.
- Bar soap, included in box with food goodies, makes said goodies taste like soap.
Good point.
High quality toiletries.
Soldiers will generally always have access to basic hygiene supplies but rarely the nice, name brand stuff. Those sorts of things can really make someone's day.
When sending a care package remember that you're trying to make someone's deployment less miserable, not providing for their basic needs. Please don't send stuff like razors from the dollar store. While the thought is appreciated, that sort of thing usually sits unused in a pile at the MWR.
So things like nice, Gillette razors, electric toothbrushes, nice tissues that don't aggravate your nose, high-quality running socks and underwear, manicure kits (just the kinds with clippers and nail files, no polish), boot insoles, salon shampoo and conditioner, high quality skincare products, etc.
And don't forget the women. Tampax pearl tampons are extremely popular. Smaller sizes of nice socks and underwear. Brushes and hair ties. Face masks. But try to avoid super scented stuff.
