Sharon McCutcheon/Unsplash

People, and the jobs they do, are a constant parade of wonderful weirdness if you're paying attention. People 'have a guy' for all kinds of stuff because of it!

You think of their job as perfectly normal - until you mention that you 'have a guy' who sells a whole lechon out of his car for holiday pig roasts and people look at you like you've lost it.

Turns out, buckling a pig carcass into your passenger's seat for three king's day dinner at Abuelita's house is a decidedly Miami thing.



Reddit user Roentgenographer asked:

"Reddit, what is the strangest thing you 'have a guy' for?"

... and yeah... the Christmas Corpse in Your Car guy has some stiff competition.

Heh. Stiff. Get it? Cause corpse?

I'm not sorry.

Mike, The Homeless Homie

Police Fuck You GIF by Noise Nest Network Giphy

"When I was a waiter in downtown Phoenix twenty years ago I had a street person on retainer."

"Parking was difficult for lunch shift, our restaurant couldn't/wouldn't validate employees parking, so we had to use the meters on the street. Since the meters had a two hour limit, you needed to park close enough to be able to run down and feed them in the middle of the lunch rush."

"Spaces were very limited."

"One day, soon after starting, I passed the same 'bum' for the third night in a row panhandling. He wasn't at all vocal, just tried doing funny dances and making people smile, then he'd tell you to have a nice night."

"Never outright asked for anything and was never rude or aggressive. I gave him a couple bucks a few nights in a row, and started to notice him during the day too once we became familiar."

"The first time I saw him after pulling in for a lunch shift I gave him a handful of change from my coin cup in the console and told him if he fed my meter with it all day I'd throw him some cash again after my shift. Found out then that his name was Mike."

"Two hours later it's noon thirty and the crew is dashing down to feed their meters, or asking whomever is going down to do it for them. I gave someone a couple of quarters and asked them to check on mine while they were at it, just in case."

"They were back in five minutes reporting that my car was good, the hostess' car was good, and two other servers bookending my car were good, all of us until after 2pm."

" 'Some homeless guy is feeding all the meters on this side of the block.' "


"The next day, as I was making my way around the gauntlet of one way roads surrounding the building housing my restaurant I saw Mike. He was standing in a parking space right by the bottom of the escalator leading to my work and as soon as he saw my car, he pulled his pants leg up and did a little chorus line dance move to get my attention."

"He'd been standing there 'holding' the spot for me for the past fifteen minutes."

"Thus it began. Mike held a parking spot for me nearly every morning for the next two years. He fed my meter and the meter of any other staff I asked him to."

"I started keeping car cleaning stuff in my car, windex, armor all, and would give him towels from the restaurant to detail it up once a week."

"He knew what bar I hung out at and where I sat. He'd track me down when meters were about to expire or he needed a buck."

"Everybody at the restaurant and the bar across the street started calling him my 'bum.' He was my friend, though."

"His name was Mike. He just didn't live anywhere because life is more complicated for some people. Mike and I stayed friends for years after I stopped working downtown."

"I wouldn't say we kept in touch (he didn't have a cell phone or any way to contact him) but I would still frequent my favorite bar occasionally and run into him on the corner and we'd catch up. Then one day he just wasn't there anymore."

"I asked around but pretty quickly found out I knew more about him than anyone else in the world, it seemed."

"Mike was homeless because he had been a career criminal in his youth. He went to prison a couple times in the eighties for kiting checks at a felony level (an old scam you can't really get away with anymore)."

"He was probably twenty to thirty years older than me at the time and had lived on the streets since the mid- nineties. He had no family, couldn't get hired anywhere with his record, and - to be honest - didn't much care for the idea of having a job and a home."

"Some people simply won't be domesticated. Mike was that way."

"But yeah, I had a guy once, a true downtown concierge."

- Stoopidmonkey73

Salsa

salma hayek dancing GIF Giphy

"I have a salsa lady. The food, not the dance."

"She's been winning awards for it since before I was born. Fantastic flavor, balanced without too much acid or salt."

"Best salsa I've ever had, and I'm painfully picky about food."

"People have tried to get her to expand, but she sells out locally and doesn't see the need to ship. She just isn't interested in expanding."

"She's good just being the local salsa lady."

- MildlyAnnoyedMother

Someone Get Us This Guy's Number

happy sloth GIF Giphy

"I have a sloth guy."

"He runs a USDA-certified wild animal rescue and has has his sloth for close to 20 years. He takes extraordinary care of all of his animals."

"Three separate family events over the last 15 years? I've called my guy and he's brought a sloth to the party."

"The sloth is not a performing animal- no one gets to approach, handle, or pet it. He simply brings it for a short period of time so that people can see it, and he discusses its life, behavior, and care."

"He does phenomenal work to protect and preserve wildlife- many of his animals came to him after being purchased by people who wanted an 'exotic' pet they quickly realized they could not care for."

"But yeah, I have a sloth guy - which is SO cool."

- Seeking_Starlight

"The Good Stuff"

Season 9 Joey GIF by Friends Giphy

"I've got a pineapple guy. You don't get good pineapples in the store, you gotta know a guy."

"He gets me the good stuff: a variety called the Sugarloaf Pineapple, White Pineapple, Kona Sugarloaf, Kona White, honey cream, etc.."

"It's a pineapple that is sweeter and, crucially, has significantly lower acidity, so it doesn't hurt your mouth or tongue if you eat too much of it."

"I don't know how my guy gets his pineapple, I don't ask and he doesn't tell. That's the whole point of having a guy. I give him money and he gives me the pineapple, no questions asked."

"It's good to have a pineapple guy."

"And yes I mean actual pineapples, not weed. Now that weed is legal does anyone even need a weed guy anymore?"

- 52ndstreet

Disposing Of Mattresses

Mattress Everybodylovesraymond GIF by TV Land Giphy

"I have a mattress gal."

"She runs a high end mattress shop and is supposed to 'dispose' of any returned mattresses."

"I take care of disposal by showing up at the customers place to pick it up, then bringing the disposal mattresses around to any friends or family in need of a mattress upgrade."

"I got a sweet $4000 king bed for free (aside from hauling it) because it was a return."

- LiterallyADiva

A Fat Guy

Bill Nye Scientist GIF by NETFLIX Giphy

"I have a fat guy. If I need to get fat I call up the fat guy and I get some, he does breast reductions, tummy tucks and such."

"Fat has lots of stem cells. I used to have a brain guy."

"I do medical research."

- Chris4evar

"I was the tissue guy for a while!"

"We had a list of 'wants' from different labs on campus. Anytime we did a necropsy on a lab animal, after the lab had collected the tissues they needed for their research, I would go in and grab tissue for other labs."

"I had one lab that was doing tissue scaffolding that needed 1 inch by 1 inch squares of proximal gracilis, another lab needed whole eyeballs, one wanted intact bladders."

"It sounds gruesome that my job was to cut apart bodies for their pieces, but nothing went to waste from a necropsy and labs that just needed control tissue or a source of healthy tissue didn't need to euthanize a whole animal just for a bladder."

- daabilge

Old Varieties

mr t conan obrien GIF by Team Coco Giphy

"I have a guy who deals in old apple varieties. Want a special tree? He's got it."

"Cousinot, not a problem, Filippa's apple, yes, Northern Spy, of course. We are planting a rather big orchard and I love listening to him extolling the virtues of historic apple varieties."

"The old varieties are healthier. They contain more polyphenols which are apparently the reason why these apples are particularly good for people with food allergies."

"They are often better adapted to soil and weather in our region. And they are beautiful. And the taste is amazing."

"Some taste of almond paste, and honey, others have a more lemony taste. It's like sampling wine."

"He's currently trying to get us a young pear tree from a variety that has only four known living exemplars left in our region. I'm absurdly proud to be the receiver of such a rarity. He just called and I'm excited."

"It's good to have an apple guy."

- Tuedal

The Metal Genitals Guy

terminator 2 GIF Giphy

"I got a guy who will mold your genitals and cast it in the metal of your choosing."

"That's his specialty. He does other stuff like jewelry and general handicrafts. but he's happy to be known as the metal genital guy."

"He primarily works with vaginas. He's done some penises, but mostly just friends or local porn stars. If he's to be believed, he's molded around a thousand vaginas."

"It's probably in the hundreds, realistically, but that's still a LOT of metal genitals."

"Dude's a character."

- GrumpySarlacc

Tamales

Food Kiss GIF by AsIf.tv Giphy

"I worked in restaurants for years."

"I learned that Hispanic communities really do have a 'guy' for everything, at least where I live - there's a car repair 'guy' they all go to, a tax 'guy,' etc."

"Well, my buddy Felipe introduced me to the Tamale Guy, and I go see him almost weekly ever since I was introduced. You just drop by his house, and go in the kitchen door in the back and he's in there, like six days a week."

"F*cking rad."

- nono_baddog

The Sabbat Guy

helping schitts creek GIF by CBC Giphy

"I'm very old. By reddit standards I should be dead."

"When I was a kid I was "sabbat goy" for the elderly Jewish couple next door. They were very orthodox and there were a bunch of things they wouldn't do on Sabbbat, like turn a light off or re-light the furnace."

"They weren't allowed to 'work' so I stepped in to help with that stuff."

"It was O.K. for me to do it for them, as long as it was voluntary and not a paid arrangement, because I'm not Jewish. They gave us produce from their kitchen garden, but that was not "payment."

"He had the tattoo. Maybe she did too, but she always wore long sleeves."

"I was glad to help them."

- BobT21

Do you have a 'guy' for something interesting? Is there a local tradition that people in your area have a 'guy' for that would seem strange somewhere else?

Spill your stories, folks.

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