Terrible school experiences happen to almost all of us. Mostly because kids are terrible people (I mean, that's kind of the whole point of growing up, right? Learning how to people? Kids just aren't there yet.) but sometimes because the school itself is a crap-tastical environment.
Schools are dramatic enough even in the best, most bureaucracy-free situations. But when you add the rules and expectations of a religious organization, that "complicates" things a bit, doesn't it?
So what do you get when you put a bunch of not-great-at-peopleing-yet kids together in a "complicated" environment?
Religious schools - and the horror stories that come along with them.
Reddit user Kantalope1 asked:
There is talk of abuse and neglect here, but there is also a fair bit of humor - so it's not as terrible as you might think. Having said that, it does start with a story about killing roaches with your bare hands, so ... ya know... read with caution.
Let me begin by saying I came up really poor and went to inner-city public schools; however, I went to a catholic school for seventh grade. I'm not exactly sure why, but some rich, older guy paid my tuition and bought my school uniforms. He knew my parents somehow. He was around occasionally and was pleasant. I really don't know much beyond that. It was a long time ago. Both of my parents were heavy on booze and drugs. They can barely even form sentences at this point so I guess I'll never know.
Anyway, this school was definitely a huge culture shock for me. These kids talked about playing video games and talked about going to the beach, amusement parks, arcades, and having their own bedrooms. Things I could only dream of.
One of my biggest fears while I attended this school was anyone finding out just how poor I was and knowing that I didn't belong there. I liked this school and learned a great deal there compared to the schools I attended previously. I was very self conscious and was afraid if anyone found out that I wouldn't be able to go to school there any more. One precaution I took every day was empty my backpack out and shake everything out to make sure I wouldn't bring roaches to school as my house was infested.
We had desks in our home rooms that we kept our school supplies and books in. We went to other classrooms for different subjects, but ended up in our home rooms a few times a day. As an example, my home room teacher was also my history and math teacher.
One day I was in religion (class) and it happened. The teacher said to pull out our binders for an assignment. I pulled mine out and laid it on the desk, which I knew belonged to a girl named Rachel. I opened it up and a few small roaches were inside and started moving around frantically as the light hit them. I was absolutely terrified. I tried to subtly crush them with my fingers and wipe their remains on my pants. My actions were not subtle apparently. Everyone turned in my direction and the teacher moved in my direction and saw the horror I was facing.
The teacher stood me up and moved me away from the desk. She said out loud to the class that Rachel must have left candy in her desk and that the roaches must have found it throughout the night.
She saved me and I'll never forget her.
My parents love to tell a story about what a difficult student I was. The story, as they tell it, is that I once accused my math teacher of being a Nazi because I don't like math.
What actually happened was that my math teacher spent an entire period fantasizing out loud about the day when god would ordain good Christians rounding up and killing all the gays. I called him a Nazi because he was standing there daydreaming about committing genocide to a class full of 16 year olds.
An Employee Horror Story
I attended Catholic school from kindergarten through high school, then went back and taught in both a Catholic elementary school and high school, and let me tell you that rules and punishments are far more rigid and ridiculous for employees than they are for students. You sign a contract stating that not only will you conduct yourself by the rules and standards of the Church when at work, but also outside of the workplace. It was when a fellow teacher had become pregnant out of wedlock, and was thus terminated - losing her income and insurance, when she needed it most - that I decided to quit.
I learned later that my officious and ultra-conservative principal was addicted to quaaludes. The hypocrisy in those places never ceases to astound me.
Taste Testing JesusGiphy
I once stole a blessing in an effort to taste-test Jesus.
I went to Catholic school when I was a kid, and every Thursday, I'd walk with the rest of my class to a nearby church to attend a students-only mass. Unlike the rest of my friends, though, I hadn't been baptized, which meant that I was expressly forbidden from participating in the "snack time" portion of the service. Everyone else would stand up, shuffle between the pews, and get their little cracker, while I was forced to sit and watch, envious and hungry.
Mass usually took place immediately before lunchtime, which may have been part of the issue.
Anyway, one day, the local priest came to my class to discuss something or other, and he brought a supply of unblessed communion wafers with him. Since they hadn't yet been subjected to the ritualistic prayer-reciting process, I was finally allowed to consume one... but before I had the chance, one of my classmates made an observation:
"These taste different!" she said.
Our teacher – a former nun – nodded knowingly. "Yes, they always taste different when they haven't been blessed."
This seemed peculiar to me, and it prompted me to ask a question of my own: "When you bless them," I asked the priest, "do all of the... these... in the church get blessed?"
"Yes, that's why we keep them in the tabernacle," he replied.
The conversation continued after that, but I wasn't listening anymore; I was busy hatching a plan. With as much dexterity as my nine-year-old fingers could manage, I broke my wafer down the middle, sampling the smaller of the two halves and then keeping the larger piece in my desk. When the next Thursday rolled around, I brought the bit that I'd saved along with me, waited for the blessing to occur, then ate the now-blessed wafer.
It tasted the same to me.
I got 2 weeks detention for bringing a kid's book on evolution to school and asking if evolution made it possible for all the animals to fit on the ark.
My thinking was that back in Noah's day there was only one species of elephant/horse/lion/etc, so there wouldn't be the problem of fitting multiple species of one family into the ark. Then, after the ark, evolution kicked in and we got different species after they repopulated the world. To my mind, this was a perfectly fine way to resolve the Young Earth = evolution bad + science is cool conflict I was having.
Nope. Apparently I was thinking too much and needed to be punished for not believing what the Bible said.
Nothing Actually Christian
My best friend growing up went to one for a year. He was in public school with me till he had a health problem, his parents were scared the kids would make fun of him, so they transferred him. The next year he showed back up at the school and told us, "there was nothing actually Christian about Christian school" which seemed really poignant coming from a 12-year-old. His stories showed those kids were much crueler than any I ever encountered at school.
Blamed For Everything
My parents, in their infinite wisdom, put me (a Jew) in catholic school.... I got blamed for everything that ever happened in that school.
"Hey father crankypants, the toilets on the third floor of the administration building are clogged."
"I bet the Jewish kid did it!"
"No Sir, he's in another building and has no access."
"Detention for the Jewish kid!"
"Sister Knucklecracker, a bird hath lain shite upon thy car."
"I bet the Jewish kid put them up to it"
"Sister the bird was in flight, I was just letting you know..."
"Detention for the Jewish kid!!"
Parents forced me to enroll in a private Pentecostal college before I turned 18.
Semester 1: 18 years old and a stricter curfew than I had growing up. Campus would lock down at 1:30. If you showed up late you had to check in with security and be escorted back into the dorm. After 3 strikes you got fined for every tardy. Or... The other option was to not have anywhere to go. I guess it's better that you don't have a place to sleep than if you're allowed to be a dumbass 18/19 year old.
I eventually figured out that if I shimmied down the freight elevator to the basement, I could unlock the old storm door that led outside. Never saw a fine again.
Mandatory Chapel. 5 days a week. Let me rephrase that.... Mandatory Evangelical chapel. If you missed 6 or more in a semester, you got fined for each one. A lot of the good Christian kids going to be pastors would scan their card and just go back to the dorm for Halo or nap time. I never liked lying, so I felt worse for scanning and leaving than just not wanting to go. So I got more fines.
A kid got asbestos poisoning from the wall. It's not like it happened because of us, but we probably made it worse. There was a super shoddy patch job for a piece of sheetrock they installed. No mudding or taping around the patch, just 4 easily accessible screws in the corners. So naturally we unscrewed it... To find out that the inside of the was was big enough to get inside and climb up the studs/braces in the wall. Made it to the 5th floor, the top floor, and found all this old medical device equipment and x-rays, roof access etc... The kid that slept on the "bunk" - literally the floor - next to where we removed the sheetrock patch went home a year later with $3m settlement and asbestos poisoning.
Instead of updating the building and fixing the problems, the "University" spent millions of dollars on a new chapel building.
Finally - one more... A handful of the gays banded together to demand a real conversation, respect, better treatment, and acceptance. A kid I grew up seeing in Bible camps was part of it. I was super happy he just finally came out and accepted himself. That was the last day I saw him. The school kicked all the gays out, and I never heard from him again. Super nice dude, and he had it so hard growing up in the shit state we lived in. He finally escaped and made it to the city, only to have these zealous pieces of shit throw him out on the street.
The only good thing about this experience was that it started me on a real journey to find god. That led me to atheism. Life is much better these days.
Total fines for 1.5 years of church college: $6,000. My card apparently scanned, but didn't record all the chapel visits. I worked overnight security on the weekends. Instead of giving me an exclusion like they said they would, they fined me. Also, I failed English 101 because I said $5m on a new chapel wouldn't make it a "better place to worship" and that if that was true, god must not give a sh!t about an African believer praying on a dirt floor. So that was another wasted $2800
Shooting At Jesus
I was a good kid and student. I never disobeyed, and I always did my work on time. I was THAT kid. We had Mass in the gym every Friday. One of those Fridays I sat with my friend and we got bored, as 6/7 year old children being forced to go to Mass do. We made things interesting and played TV show.
This comprised us making cameras with our hands (like a view finder/square shape) and "filming" everything we saw. We got hauled out of Mass and to the office for "shooting guns at the Crucifix." I cried hysterically when they didn't believe me. Then my mom showed up. I think they believed her as I was sent back to class. I think the teacher must have told everyone about it because my whole class was like "WHY DID YOU SHOOT AT JESUS?!"
I was homeschooled after that until college. I now go to a public community college and I'm generally happy there.
Goth Girl's PrayerGiphy
We had chapel (like a weekly assembly, except with gospel songs and a small sermon/ exercise.) That week we passed around a mic for people to have the school pray with them. Most people asked to pray for a sick relative, winning a sports game for the school, people struggling around the world, etc.
Then we got to the weird goth girl.
She got the mic and instantly started talking about REALLY personal stuff. Things about feeling like she's used for sex (she banged some dudes and was definitely getting used for sex but that is NOT something you want to announce to your christian high school, no judgement on my end though), her parents getting divorced, how therapy isn't helping, how she tried to kill herself. Like seriously sobbing uncontrollably, breaking down.
This went on for like 5 minutes. At one point someone tried to take the mic and she held onto it and screamed "NO! I'M NOT GONNA BE QUIET EVERYONE TELLS ME TO BE QUIET" like a serious full-on emotional breakdown. I have never ever seen a room full of 500 people be THAT quiet and uncomfortable.
Cue our bible teacher/ director/ whatever being absolutely stunned, jaw to the floor. When it was finally seeming like it was over he said "We will pray for you." He said this in the same generic fashion he said to everyone else. I don't really blame him, because what the hell do you do in that situation? So we bow our heads in silence to pray for her and this room of 500 people is sitting silently while this girl cries uncontrollably into the mic. Eventually they cut her mic and announced chapel was over like 20 minutes early. Chapel never ends early and usually goes late.
I went to two Catholic schools in an affluent area of NY. My family was poor and my parents were divorced. We moved halfway through the school year, two hours from home, and went there after attending public school our whole lives.
They proceeded to be continually awful to us.
First, my sister's second grade teacher told her, in front of the whole class in our first week or so, that our parents were going to Hell for being divorced. So you know. Kid who barely had any religious point of reference, ripped from her friends, new town, parents breaking up... just HAD to hear that.
My fifth grade teacher singled me out often and was nasty to me in general, off the bat. She also tried to fight the teachers committee that put together the middle school-wide play about letting me participate because she decided I was too new for a part or to understand how important the play was, and they had actually thought to give me a decent one.
My teachers after that were okay, mostly, but they hated when I asked questions. (By then I hated everything about where I was and became the kid asking things like, if we're to interpret the Bible literally and if so, did Adam and Eve's children commit incest?🤣)
Anyway. We also had a horrible principal who scared the living daylights out of kids and parents alike. She was mean and intimidating and took pleasure in making kids (and probably parents) cry. My brother soon entered preschool. He was the kid who colored on and stained up and cut up his clothes. Like, they caught him doing this in school during art time with paint and scissors (and back then it wasn't washable). They knew. And though my mother was neglectful and abusive in other ways, she did try to get his uniforms clean and mended but he needed new ones almost every month. He was always bathed but his clothes looked terrible.
When she could afford them, she bought him more. But the principal decided he wasn't being bathed and his clothes weren't being washed, so she called CPS on my mom. I wish I could say she didn't deserve to have them called at all because there were plenty of other reasons she should have been investigated, but that one was purely superficial and retaliatory because she had stood up to dear old Sister L. Granted, my mother's way of standing up to people includes a lot of insults and foul language, but either way.
After that, they found pretty much any way to single us out and give us a hard time about just about everything. Mom was late with tuition? Couldn't go to the assembly. Etc. Made veiled references to my mother being a whore, stuff like that. The church is was attached to was also incredibly hypocritical so I pretty much decided it wasn't for me. I did go to the best area Catholic high school on a full scholarship but after a year, I was done.
They were a whole other can of worms - from arguing with my doctor about not working in the library anymore because the inches of dust were causing severe allergies and asthma, to not letting us wear leggings or pants or even shorts under our skirts when we had to wait for buses at 5:45 in the morning on frigid winter days, or when the heat went out in the school buildings. I was so tired of the nonsense and lack of compassion or basic human decency.
My moral theology teacher was our priest. He once talked about how some women get aroused while riding a horse. And he would also tell us about his dirty dreams. We were all 17 year old girls... Rightfully, I avoided being alone with him any chance I got.
Anatomy And Physiology
In one of my Bible classes, we studied the anatomy and physiology of a crucifixion. We learned the details of how Romans soldiers would prolong the torture and death process down to the smallest of details. Example: When Jesus was getting whipped they would use rope with glass embedded to cut/tear and stones embedded to crush/bruise. They then mocked him by putting robes on him which would stick to the coagulating blood. Once forcibly removed it would tear off the scabs with it and re-initiate the bleeding process. After going through each part of the crucifixion in detail for several weeks, we all gathered in a dark room to watch a movie depicting the torture and crucifixion.
I was 12 years old.
At 26, I am not very religious anymore.
The Best Way
I went to a christian primary school (age 4-11) that was run like a cult. I'm talking praying before each lesson, before break and lunch etc. They gathered us onto the playground to blast sermons through the loudspeakers, had a prayer corner in each room, etc. The church was literally attached to the school so you get the picture. Bullying was relentless and horrific, even by teachers.
They singled out kids for being possessed, satanic, evil or whatever else. They dealt with peer bullying by shutting the bullied child indoors alone during break and lunch or putting the bullies and the victim on the same table so they could learn to get along. If you spoke against the school (or worse, against religion) then ooh boy you were in trouble...
The best way to make a kid not religious is to send them to a school like that.
We had to go to a Bob Dole rally.
We had to watch those end of the world Mark IV 1970s movies, watched a video called "America Under Siege " which discussed the government getting ready to put us in train stations, the evil Clinton's and black helicopters, and 30 minutes of video footage of surgical abortions being performed.
We had to go to services in charismatic churches while people screamed and spoke in tongues, and go to those "hellfire plays" if we wanted extra credit.
I'm now an atheist.
Christmas is upon us. It's time to get those Christmas present lists together.
So... who has been naughty and who has been nice?
Who is getting diamonds and who is getting coal? Yuck, coal. Is that even a thing anymore? Who even started that idea?
There has to be some funnier or more "for the times" type of "you've been naughty" stocking stuffer.
I feel like the statement coal used to make is kind of last century at this point.
Apparently I'm not alone in this thinking.
Case in point...
Redditor rallfreedom wanted us to update Santa's deliveries for the children on the naughty list, they asked:
"Since Santa is old, and coal was considered worthless back in the day, what new worthless item could Santa give to naughty children in 2021?"
If you really wanted to set me off on Christmas morning, then you should leave me something personalized. Something you how I'd hate. Like a cassette tape of 80's Christian soft rock. That would make a statement of just how naughty I've been.
What a DifferenceBlockbuster GIF by Big Potato GamesGiphy
"Blockbuster gift cards." ~ GamerOfGods33
"And still no one will shop at the one franchise location still open." ~ pesto_trap_god
"AOL Internet discs... (actually getting rare these days)." ~ whorton59
"After collecting enough of those AOL discs, I just open a bottle of Tennessee whiskey and make AOL disc fish wall art." ~ ExRockstar
"I wish I still had the picture, but my friend passed onto me a photo of a chair (more like a throne, if I recall) made entirely of AOL discs." ~ PM_MeYourSmilingFace
"Outdated phone chargers." ~ TheBrotherhoods
"A correct phone charger for the device, but it only works in one very specific angle and charges the phone super slow." ~ Karl_the_stingray
"People rave about how good old Nokias were but they forget that if you went up a version like you got upgraded to a 3310 from a 3210 then all your chargers were now something like 0.25mm too small and you had to buy all new ones." ~ erroneousbosh
"We currently misinterpreted what 'naughty kids get coal' originally meant. For a poor family in December, coal was the difference between warmth and freezing, hot food and not. 'Coal' was not something mean. It was like socks, now." ~ adaza
"Exactly. If the child was selfless, they would get a personal gift as a reward. If the child was selfish, they instead would get a gift to be shared with the family, forcing them to be more altruistic." ~ MoobyTheGoldenSock
Necessities...toilet paper help GIFGiphy
"Toilet paper. Just like coal, it's something the whole house needs and will use but is going to be bought anyway. It's also consumable and practical just like coal." ~ NeverGetaSpaceship
I could still use toilet paper. You never know when society is gonna go off into the deep end again and buy it all up. Remember the beginning of Covid?
Spinfidget GIF by Future GenerationsGiphy
"Idk why but I feel like fidget spinners would be pretty infuriating to the masses of children as something that still counts as a gift but is for sure a let down & past trend." ~ mmaster42
Way back when...
"An "Introduction to Windows 95" book." ~ Actual_grass
"There's one of those package shipping stores near me that sells all kinds of miscellaneous stuff. Anything to make a buck. They have a carousel stand with laminated sheets containing tips on how to use various computer programs. Still for sale as of last week: 'Shortcut keys for Windows XP' and 'Tips for using Microsoft Word 2010.'" ~ dartdoug
"He could give kids one of the old cables that was collected over the years but wasn't thrown away because it could need it at some point." ~ CaptWeirdBeard
"I have a tupperware tote full of those things. I'll sell it to Santa for scap value of the copper. You hear that Santa? $5 and it's all yours." ~ GreatJanitor
"A rotary phone." ~ cannotbefaded
"My Grandma had a rotary phone she kept(still worked so why not) as well as having a cordless phone. Had a relative that wanted to use the rotary phone the one time just to use it instead, decided they didn't want to do that again." ~ golden_fli
"Okay, I actually like rotary phones. I was young enough to remember using rotary phones and preferred using them to touch tone phones. Only because it was fun to spin the dial and watch it spin back into place." ~ GreatJanitor
So close...ronald mcdonald mcdonalds GIFGiphy
"McDonald's toys from 2 years ago. Old enough to not be popular trends, but new enough to not be collector's items." ~ GavinSnowe
McDonald's still has toys? Who knew? And those fidget spinners, how did anyone ever enjoy those? That would set me off as well.
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I admit, I love my stuffed animals. They're the best.
Some of them have been with me for years and I have them proudly displayed in different spots around my apartment. And when I've packed them for a move, I've done so with all the tender loving care I can muster.
What is it about them that stirs up these feelings?
Believe it or not, it's quite possible to form emotional attachments to inanimate objects!
People told us all about their own feelings after Redditor MoneySquare5734 asked the online community:
"People of Reddit, what weird sympathies do you have towards inanimate objects?"
"Computers when someone's throwing a fit or tantrum over something like a game lag, buffering or general software issues. Like dude, get angry at the real cause not the hardware thats essentially just the messenger."
We really mistreat our hardware sometimes, don't we? Going to apologize to my computer now.
"I think we're okay now..."
"I once slapped my iPad when it was being slow, then instinctively hugged it and apologised afterwards. I think we’re okay now but the level of trust definitely isn’t what it used to be."
Serves you right! You have a lot to make up for!
"I have way too much emotion..."
"I have way too much emotion invested in my Roomba. Especially as I only have one charging station, so when it's running in my living room/hallway, it can never get back to base as there's a step in the way."
"Usually feel guilty when I come home and find it stuck in some corner, knowing that it literally ran until exhaustion trying to find its home."
I do not have a Roomba but my friend has one and I think he has the opposite reaction. I think he mistreats his!
"All my dollar bills..."
"All my dollar bills need to face up in my wallet, otherwise I get the feeling those Georges and Lincolns are uncomfortable."
I think I do this too. I did not ask to be attacked like this.
"If I see..."
"If I see a really ugly plush toy at a thrift store, I feel compelled to buy it because I feel like it will just get thrown away. So now I have quite a few ugly plushies. I love them."
Aww, they now have a home with you and they must be so happy!
"I guess in general..."
"Abandoned toys. I guess in general I just feel so bad for any inanimate object that is no longer serving its purpose."
How many toys end up in the dump each year, I wonder? And how many of them are plotting their revenge as we speak?
"So I transferred everything..."
"I got a new cellphone not too long ago. So I transfered everything to my new phone but I didn't turn off the old phone afterward."
"This happened late on a Sunday and the next morning my old phone still rang to wake me up and I was somewhat sad that it still thought it was my current phone and that it still had the duty to wake me in the morning."
The feelings this stirred up... I did not know it was possible to feel this way!
"I am very appreciative..."
"Sometimes I give my car a pat on the dashboard and say thank you. It has carried me so many thousands of miles and i am safe. I am very appreciative of its hard work."
Aww. I don't have a car, but I get this! And your car appreciates YOU!
"When I was a kid..."
"When I was a kid I spent a whole afternoon feeding pebbles to a small drain outside my house because I thought it was hungry."
Okay, this is cute – and totally something a little kid would do!
"There's a thing I call..."
"There’s a thing I call 'mechanical empathy.' If you emotionally attach to your bike or car you’ll be kinder and more gentle to it."
"Some people are really rough on cars and other machinery, it’s painful to drive with them."
I was in a car recently with a driver who got a bad case of road rage and just slammed her hands on the dashboard whenever she was upset. That poor car!
Who knew we could feel so attached to the inanimate objects around us? Humans are fascinating creatures. We're capable of a lot of love and empathy, even for the smallest things.
Have some opinions of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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They say your 30's hits different, like one day you're young a hopeful and the next day you're just WAY too old for this.
What is the "this" you're suddenly too old for?
No idea. It's different for everyone, but make no mistake, it'll happen to you too.
Maybe it already has?
Reddit user BMA1500 asked:
"What sh*t are you too old for?"
Let's take a look at how "too old" hit these Reddit users.
"Arguing with ignorant people on the internet."
"I have no patience or bandwidth to argue with random a-holes on social. Learned that lesson a long time ago."
"Too many fakes and bots now anyway. I am pretty much a 'read only' user of other platforms and only share opinions in person on polarizing issues."
"Petty games while talking to a potential partner."
"Just be straight up and real with me. Tricks are for kids."
"I've always felt this way."
"I remember when one of my girls explained the concept of 'playing hard to get' to me and I was annoyed just hearing it."
"If I have to chase you, that means you’re running away, and I don’t have time for that. If you seem uninterested, I’ll take it on the chin and leave you alone."
"If you like me just say that. If you don’t like me just say that. It’s not hard and moves the process along much faster."
"If you text me and I’m free, I’m going to text back. I’m not going to wait three hours for aesthetic purposes."
"The list goes on."
Cut That Out
"This sounds like some Instagram motivational sh*t, but spending time around people that I genuinely don't like or who make me unhappy and uncomfortable."
"There's so short of a time we have on this Earth and it just hit me right before I turned 30 that I spent a ton of that time with people who I thought sucked."
"I cut that out and I'm much happier."
"I realized this at my cousins wedding. I had a family member walk up to me flat out call me ugly, fat and say that I wasn’t the “good” family guy anymore."
"What!?!? Why would you even say that?? And they said it with a smile on their face the whole time..."
"After that night I haven’t spoken to them in 2 years and I’m super happy! I’m too f*cking old to be dealing with that nonsense for the rest of my life."
"It takes days to recover now, and most bad hangovers come with an existential crisis attached."
"When I was young I remember times I'd have a day off from work and be like 'Hell yeah, I'm gonna get trashed and play video games all night it's gonna be great!' "
"Now it's like "Great, I'm 3 drinks in and I'm just tired & have heart burn.' "
"It's not the same."
"I used to work 12-9pm, party the entire night. And then be back to work like a pro."
"If this was a Friday, partying used to resume Saturday afternoon. That was my early 20s."
"In my 30s now, and I wait for Fridays so that I can be dead on my bed the entire Saturday."
"The existential crisis is the worst. Just lying there wondering what the hell you are doing with your life, what came to this and when you are going to grow out of it."
"Then it passes and life goes on."
"General admission tickets. My old ass requires a reserved seat."
"Hahaha… last gen admission show I went to I had to find a 'comfortable' wall to lean on."
"When it comes to music festivals, the wife and I go for VIP just so we can get fancier washrooms and shorter lines at the food trucks."
"I agree but, man, it makes feel like I’m a spectator at at a concert and not part of the real party down on the floor."
"There comes an age when you have to consider... 'Do I really care what kind of clickbait sh*t my high school friends who I never talk to and never will see, likes?' "
"I only had Facebook because it helped with socializing in college/high school, but afterwards it's really hard to want to add new friends because they can see your history, and you can too."
"Honestly, the only reason why I have a Facebook is because I still have my mom as my friend and she passed 4 years ago."
"Every time I go on there, I'm tired now."
"I deleted Facebook three years ago."
"Found out all my Marine Corps buddies were either total idiots, painfully stereotypical post-9/11 veterans, ill-informed political junkies, and mostly people I haven't had anything to do with in years."
"Moving or helping other people move. Just no."
"I've moved a lot of times and have helped many people move."
"One of the best decisions I've ever made was hiring movers. 300 bucks for the big stuff is money extremely well spent."
"I've broken my body helping people move because I'm the 'young and strong guy' in the friend group. Way too many times now. F*ck that sh*t, hire movers."
"I can agree with this."
"I used to work as a mover for a couple summers and I don't even want to move myself lmao."
Not The Cool Old Guy
"I told myself when I get older I need to be open minded and not the close minded grumpy old man..."
"Then I see all these obviously staged videos and corny dancing/lip syncing stuff and realize it’s inevitable I am not gonna be the cool old guy."
"I have this exact same process with TikTok."
"I think to myself, 'I’m really the bitter old woman I said I would never be, aren’t I?' Lol"
"I’ve downloaded TikTok at least 3 times and deleted it almost immediately."
"I am drawing a line at TikTok. I’m old."
Since We're Talking About TikTok...
"When Macy's Thanksgiving Parade performers are introduced as "TikTok sensation" without any other credentials worth mentioning."
"I think the only performer I knew yesterday was Kelly Rowland because of Destiny’s Child."
"My google search history is full of my confusion."
"Oh man I’m so glad we missed the parade then. Maybe I’m just too old but that would’ve been cringe."
Why Are We Screaming?
"People (mainly young girls) who scream for no reason."
"I understand if you're terrified of something, but screaming when you meet up with your friends or just when the situation does not call for it makes me SO mad. I find it so infuriating."
"Just shut up. Lol."
"My kids learned a very long time ago not to scream like that. I hate excessive loud noise in any environment, but it’s especially nerve wracking in close quarters."
"My Mother-in-Law will have a dinner every so often for the family to get together. My husbands brother’s kids are so freaking annoying like this."
"We’re having pizza? Scream."
"We’re baking cookies? Scream."
"Someone found you in hide and seek? Scream."
"I’ve been too old for that since I was 6. Shit was ALWAYS annoying."
Real talk, apparently I'm *very* old going by the stuff on this list.
I'm gonna need to go sit with that for a bit... let me go turn on the seat warmer so my bones aren't stiff when I stand up later.
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Do all mothers go to the say mom school or something? Because they seem to share the same advice or go on the same platitudes, don't they?
Here's an idea.
Maybe they're just older, have more experience, and are trying to keep us from being dumbasses in public. At least, that's what I think.
I'm definitely grateful for my mother's advice—it's saved me more than once—and it seems many out there are too. And they all seem to have heard the same things from their mothers, too.
Any of these sound familiar? They probably do, and we heard all about them after Redditor lame_excuses asked the online community,
"What are some things all moms say?"
"I'll go first..."
"I'll go first: 'So if your friend jumped off a cliff would you jump off too?"
Okay, my mother did not say this, but all my friends' mothers did.
"We have fun."
"My mom always made me put on a coat when we went outside, even if I wasn't cold, simply because she was cold."
"Now that I'm an adult, she no longer tells me this but instead I complain about being cold and ask, indignantly, why no one told me to put in a coat."
"We have fun."
I want a documentary crew to follow you both around. It'd be hilarious.
"I credit George Carlin for all of these."
"When you lose something."
- Have you tried looking for it?
- Have you looked everywhere?
- Well, it didn't just get up and walk away.
"I credit George Carlin for all of these."
George Carlin knew what he was talking about. RIP.
"You know Glynis? She's your aunt's mother-in-law's close friend. Anyway, she died last week."
"I have eyes..."
"I have eyes in the back of my head."
"My mom used to say that to my sister and I so we wouldn't be sneaky behind her back. One day she was washing the dishes and I came up behind her with my two fingers and poked her right where I assumed her back eyes would be. She shouted, 'Ouch!' I believed her for years!!"
I was convinced of this too! Damn, my mother was good.
"I had some friends over..."
"I had some friends over when I was a teenager, and I bet them I could get my mom to say the word 'food.'"
"Hey, mom, what's for dinner?"
"Worked every time."
You both clearly planned this!
"When at the billing counter..."
"When at the billing counter every mom has the maternal instinct to say - 'Just stay in the line, I need to go grab a few more things.'"
This is my mother.
How many times have I dealt with this?!
“It’s because you didn’t drink enough water."
BUT I DO!!
"If you have siblings..."
"If you have other siblings and they’re trying to yell at you they will call you by all your other siblings' names before they get to yours. Usually starting with the oldest and working their way backwards."
Good thing my family was small!
"My Mum used to use it all the time..."
"'Soon.'" An indeterminate time frame from 5 minutes to several hours. My Mum used to use it all the time to deflect stupid questions like 'When is dinner?'"
"Answer: she always, always served it around 6 pm."
It's true! My mother would do this – and still does this. And we definitely don't eat as early as that!
Confirmed: All mothers meet for the annual mother convention to say all–and I do mean ALL–of these things to their kids.
Anything missing, though? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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