Sex, and intimacy... its a weird dance isn't it? You can be fires blazing and then suddenly... eww, gross, get away from the next. It only takes one wrong move to cause a foul. Now sex is fun that is for sure. But every now and again trying something new can be dangerous.
Redditor u/Rocker9835 wanted to hear about the times when in the midst of some sweet sweet loving you knew... yeah "I should go!"... Have you ever practically walked out mid sex? What happened?During one of most "athletic" encounters in the past, my paramour and I got so wrapped up in our "activities" we neglected to realize how far we had moved the bed from the wall. So at one point his hand slipped off the side and then just like that, he fell from the bed and onto the wine glasses we had set aside on the floor earlier. Needless to say, henceforth the mood was... "shattered."
Safety First
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She kept insisting that I didn't need a condom, "I'm infertile" was among her excuses. Like I just met you on Tinder. I just walked out. We didn't do anything.
Stay Dry
My wife headbutted me when tussling around in bed. Didn't think much of it. Kept going, switched position with me on top. She commented that I was drooling on her face.
Thing is I'm not a dog, so I wasn't drooling at all. Wiped my face with the back of my hand which came back wet.
Lights on. Blood all over the place. My nose was bleeding. I had bled in her eye...
Not as much a walk out since we still went to sleep together, but sex wasn't on the menu for the rest of the evening.
She Cray
We hadn't gotten very far, but I quickly moved down while she quickly moved up, and I broke my nose on her pelvic bone.
She suddenly flipped the absolute hell out, screaming at me about "ruining our night" as blood gushed out of my nose. Mind you this was like the second date. She continued to yell at me about how I needed to fix this (a total accident) and I just cleaned myself up the best I could and went home.
The Rough Ride
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Oof.
My gf at the time had been on top of me and came slightly disconnected on the upswing. Gravity and exuberance drove her back down snapping my penis in half (audibly, I might add) on her pelvic bone. Not gonna lie. Wish it'd been my nose.
Edit: Because a number have asked, no, I didn't go to hospital/see a urologist...didn't even think it was that serious at the time (but lets be honest: In the moment, it's freaking serious!). No lasting damage...Bruising and tenderness for a week and a bit, but no banana bend, no recurring pain, nothing. I consider myself pretty lucky in that regard, considering it could've been catastrophic.
Ok. I may never have sex again. Life is already dangerous enough. Now I have to worry about broken limbs and learning how to be a triage medic? My partner's encounter with the glass luckily had very little blood. He was just sore. But all of this nonsense is gonna give me nightmares. But, wait... there's more!
No Teeth
My ex-wife would bite me around my clavicle, most of the time hard, but not enough to kill the mood for me b/c it meant she was really liking what I was doing. Until one time when she bit so hard out of the blue she drew blood. It was over for the night.
Too Many Legs...
Yep!
My boyfriend said he felt something hit his back like it dropped and hit hardish and move so we stopped and I check and nothing was there so we continued.
About a minute later I had my hand on my boyfriend's shoulder and I feel something move on my hand I look and a huge house spider comes running over onto my face.
I screamed my boyfriend looked he sees the spider slaps it off my face and the pair of us get up and nope ourselves out the room throwing clothes on as we go danm 8 legs ruined our evening lol.
Bad Bounce
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This wasn't the guy's fault. I was bouncing on top of him and I accidentally bit my bottom lip really hard when I bounced. I started bleeding profusely on his chest and down my chin. We both stopped and ran to the bathroom.
Shut Up Already!!
I once regrettably dated a woman who was with me purely to upset her conservative parents. We were having sex in her bedroom and she began shouting as loudly as she could. I asked her to stop, but she said she wanted them to hear us.
That was not my idea of fun, so I stopped. She sobbed like a child because I didn't want to take part in her weird fantasy.
Are You Deaf?!
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The guy kept asking if he could remove the condom. "But I'm clean, I've been tested like 2 weeks ago! You can trust me!"
Yeah, right. After maybe the 6th or 7th time I got so pissed off I just up and left.
LOL Stop!
A girl I had been seeing off and on did a pretty freaking spot on Christopher Walken impression. Like, from a 5 foot nothing, 110lb woman. It was really funny and she did it so rarely that it always made me laugh.
Anyway, one time we started doing it. A few minutes in, as we're getting into a good rhythm, she yells, "oh yeah, do me!" in her Walken voice and it was so freaking funny.
I laughed for way too long and we had to stop and go outside to gather myself.
Never Stop!
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I had an ex say her last boyfriend's name in the middle of the act.
I wasn't even insulted because I knew she was a drama queen and the way she said it was so over the top. "Oooooh my gooooooood ex's name, you are amazing. Never stop!" in a way that no real life human speaks outside of movies. I wouldn't have been mad if it had been accidental, mistakes happen, but the fact that she was doing it intentionally so she could have a dramatic scene straight out of The Notebook or some other garbage romance movie.
The Neck
He started to strangle me. I told him I didn't like that and he said he would stop, but his hands kept creeping up to my neck. Flipping terrified me. I sure as hell got out of there as fast as I could.
No Gary
Yeah I was with a girl after I had a fresh breakup, she was being really vulgar about what she wanted me to with her, but kept referring to me as her father.
Not like in a daddy kink kind of way, she just kept calling me Gary, and well. That was this woman's father's name.
We got started and then as soon as she said it again I lost the erection and then pretended to have chest pains and went home. She then spent the next few days messaging me about
"must have been wonderful if I almost gave you a heart attack."
I ended up blocking her.
Bye!!
He was my first Tinder hookup and kept trying to convince me that we shouldn't use a condom because he couldn't finish with one on. In my naivete, I didn't leave immediately but instead listed some options that didn't involve his condom-lessness.
He refused all of them and then tried to sneakily take off the condom without me noticing. That was my deal breaker (though in retrospect, it should have been much earlier) and I said, "I need to leave." I calmly dressed and collected my things while he climbed under his covers and pouted. I blocked his number as soon as I was in my car.
No More Drama
I actually did walk out. I was hooking up with this girl and she says something about her boyfriend while we are undressing each other and making out. I explain I don't need to be murdered in some cheating scenario. she explains its her EX bf so we are back on. Going at it for a few minutes and lining up for the landing when she says "I'm going to turn on my flip so I can send him a video".
Instant soft and I let myself out explaining I ain't getting shot.
Kill Tinder
It wasn't technically mid sex but I was newly single and trying to sex away my sorrows on tinder. After swiping for a while I linked with a chick and she was very forward and wanted to get down to business so I gave her my address to come over. She shows up with a baby... like probably 3 to 4 months old...
then proceeds to tell me she will set the baby up on the chair in the corner of the room while we do the deed. I had a microscopic studio apartment so she might as well have just wanted to place the baby on top of my head. Long story short I politely declined her services and deleted tinder.
Toilet Time
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I was going down on a former girlfriend years ago and I was really drunk, well the room started spinning and to the toilet I went. Poor girl thought it was her. I reassured her it was not, I just mixed to much alcohol.
YOU find a treadmill!!!
Yes, during sex my ex boyfriend grabbed my stomach fat and said I needed to get rid of it.
My ex had grabbed mine the next day saying he had been a bit concerned I'd be too heavy on top. I had actually lost about 40 pounds before then and had been feeling more confident. I still had about 30 pounds to lose to be within the BMI range of normal, but didn't feel that comment was warranted. He completely killed that little bit of self-confidence I had and our relationship because I wasn't going to allow myself to feel that bad again. That, and the sex sucked horribly anyway.
So what have we learned? That taking a CPR course and basic ambulatory medicine is necessary for sweet, sweet loving.
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Typically, I would write an intro about my own experiences with the weird kids at school, but I WAS the weird kid in school. Not in a bad way, more like a “I had a John Waters phase” when I was 16 and everyone knew it. So like, cool-weird. At least I hope so.
Schools aren’t always so lucky to have the cool kinds of weird kids though. The spectrum of weird extends even further than that, and can sometimes end up very disasterous.
U/Imaginary_East5786 asked: What was the weirdest thing the weird kid did at school?
Let’s start with the grossest of the gross. Because why not.
Was it worth it?
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He heard that you'd automatically get suspended if you peed your pants at school. He wanted to find out if it was true, peed his pants, got suspended.
> Observation: 'I've heard that by peeing your pants you will be suspended'
> Hypothesis: If I pee my pants I will be suspended
> Experiment: I peed my pants and I got suspended
> Conclusion: If I pee my pants I get suspended
Uhhh what was the intention here?
He got mad that he didn't understand how to play a game at lunchtime so he started hitting and punching the nearest person to him, who happened to be me. When I shoved him away and asked him what the hell was he doing, he whipped his unit.out, charged at me and when I shoved him away from me again he started crying and ran away with his member still sticking out.
Next ones up are the lowkey (or even highkey) disturbing stories. These weird kids can get a little scary.
Boom theret.
At my middle school, someone decided to get a little attention with a good old fashioned bomb threat. Except they thought that a bomb threat meant literally writing "bomb threat" somewhere. Worse yet, they misspelled the f*ck out of it, and wrote "boom theret."
So we had to go on a brief, very awkward lockdown while the police checked the perimeter for booms.
I hope there was no overlap in the columns.
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She wrote a list of all the girls and boys she wanted to kiss and murder and then casually passed it out on the playground.
2 separate lists or just the 1?
Same list 2 columns lol.
Holy crap.
Had the weird kid in high school ask the teacher to use the bathroom. She said no and this dude legit stabbed his hand with a pencil. Went all the way through then asked if he could now...sh*t was wild.
This was Pearl High School in Mississippi. This was the school Luke Woodham shot and killed his girlfriend and her friend at the school. This kid stabbed himself with the pencil about 2 months after that happened. This was late 1997.
Most of the time, however, the weird kids are pretty d*mn funny.
Ok, but this takes a lot of skill.
Had a kid nicknamed "cheeseburger" in the grade ahead of me in high school. He got his nickname because when it was time for his class to go to lunch, he snuck into the roof and crawled his way into the cafeteria, dropped down and proceeded to steal all the cheeseburger put out for lunch. Unfortunately they caught him in the act and sent him to the principal's office.
A year later he was caught stealing a teacher's computer, and in the process of being arrested he bit the officers hand, getting him sent to juvi never to be heard of again.
Every school had the cat girl.
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The weird kid at my highschool tied a string around his pencil case and pulled out around the halls pretending it was a dog. He still lives in my hometown. I think unemployed.
Oh also weird girl in middle school acted like a cat. She would meow and hiss at people, lick the water fountain and rub her body on the teacher's legs. In 8th grade. I have no idea where she ended up.
Mood.
Weird kid in elementary was a self proclaimed alien. Once, while waiting for the bus, she told me "On my planet we eat people like you" and proceeded to bite me. We later became friends in high school and she used to give me massages during lunch break in the quad. Just realized now she was likely tenderizing me.
I was exactly this kind of weird.
He didn't say much, but if asked, he would go to the front of the class and perform Tip-Toe Through the Tulips with all of the emotion and volume of Tiny Tim, holding nothing back.
The last I heard, he became an energy trader, made a ton of money and married well.
I can definitely relate to that last one. In middle school, my English teacher would let me go to the front of the class and perform monologues or songs from Broadway musicals. Weird, but that’s what happens when schools cut funding for the arts and the theatre kids have no outlet.
As long as you’re not hurting anyone, I say let your freak flag fly, man
Those who work behind bars meet people from all walks of life and hear a variety of unusual anecdotes.
I never worked as a bartender, but I know they get an earful from babbling patrons who have had one too many to drink.
Curious to hear about the wild life stories shared at bars, Reddit xXSlimi_Gacha009 asked:
"Bartenders of reddit, what was the weirdest/craziest thing you have overheard while making someone's drink?"
Attention Seekers
Patrons say the darnedest things.
Bobby
"The first restaurant/bar i worked in I was only serving but I frequently was in the section right next to the bar. One day I was busy serving a large group, but the restaurant was mostly empty and a guy behind me at the bar said 'you wanna pet my parrot?' my initial reaction was the same as if a stranger had just come up behind me and touched my shoulders but when I turned around... It really was a guy with a parrot on his shoulder. The parrots name was Bobby and yes both me and the bartender pet him 😂"
– Midiblye
Sales Pitch
"I was tending bar during an extremely busy happy hour. The place was mobbed and super noisy. Suddenly, a guy sitting at the bar stands up and announces 'Ladies and gentlemen of the bar, I represent the Acme meat company and we carry a full line of high quality...'. The entire bar goes silent while he continues to do his sales pitch at full volume. For some reason he decided that this was a great time and place to hustle up some business. My manager sprinted over to him and told him knock it off and that kind of thing wasn't allowed in here. So he sat down and resumed drinking."
Favorite A**hole Bartender
"Regular of mine who I hadn't seen in awhile was sitting at the bar when I came in for a shift change."
"I came in the back way and noticed he had crutches leaning against the bar."
"Recently in the news someone hadn't had their shotgun properly secured in their truck and it went off..."
"So I jokingly say, 'you're that f'king idiot who blew off his leg arent you?'"
"The whole bar gets quiet and everyone is mean mugging me."
"My regular starts laughing..."
"Yeah, it was him. I had no idea. I didn't apologize, because as his favorite a**hole bartender those comments were expected of me."
"Poor guy was only 20 couple and blew his leg off close to the hip. No idea how he survived."
Murder Plot
"I was a bartender for about two weeks (filling in for a relative who owned a bar and went on his honeymoon)."
"I heard a guy talking to a woman about murdering her husband. I called the cops, but these patrons were gone before they showed up. This was before cameras, so I just gave my story and that was it."
"Not long after, my uncle calls me saying the cops are looking for me. They interview me about the couple. Apparently, the guy was a hitman for hire and the woman was trying to get some insurance money. She got busted."
"It was actually an episode of 'Forensic Files' back when that was on TV. I remember watching the episode and they said something like 'the couple was overheard discussing the murder in a bar.' I was kind of upset that they didn't mention me. Lol. I was hoping for, 'The awesome bartender overheard them, but couldn't really tell us much. He also pointed at the male in the photo lineup and asked 'Is this him?' as if he was unsure. What a f"king dope.'"
"Edit 1: I spent half of the day reading the descriptions of every episode that's streaming on Netflix and watching the ones that seemed relevant. I didn't figure it out and I'm sorry, but I just don't know which episode it was. I recorded it on a VHS tape years ago, but don't know where that is either. I'm moving, so if I come across it, I'll edit this and let everyone know which one it was."
"Edit 2: As I recall, the hitman wasn't a professional by any means. I think the episode said he was just a local junkie who'd pretty much do anything for his next fix."
– Myzyri
Extremely Random
The following conversations were undoubtedly head-turners.
Poop-Blocked
"From a woman to her friend, 'I don't know about you but I just can't poop in a pink bathroom.'"
Proud Pecker
"Someone was boasting about his 'Very small penis! VERY TINY! LIKE MICRO!' he proceeds to lower his pants and show it to his friend 🤷♀️"
Couples
Passions are inflamed where alcohol is in the mix.
Ferris Wheel Payment
"A married couple in their fifties arguing how they were going to explain the fact they couldn't pay the remainder of the 3 million euro bill for a Ferris wheel they'd ordered 18 months ago, already put a million deposit on, and who's collection was due at 8am the following morning."
That's Amore
"Man and woman is sitting at the bar. She starts crying and says 'I just want us to have something special'. The guy looked her dead in the eyes and said 'we do have something special, we have sex. We are both married'. 10 minutes later they are making out and she's rubbing him over his pants. I loved slow Wednesdays."
I'm a cheap date.
So whenever I'm halfway through my first – and usually ONLY – glass of cab sav at a bar, I know I'm talking in a stream of consciousness and volunteering embarrassing personal information.
Once, I confided to all the patrons and staff at a bar in Barcelona, France, about my embarrassing college experience. And I apparently gave a wild performance when the DJ played Prince's "Kiss."
I'm still searching this subReddit to see if any of the comments might be referring to me.