During one of most "athletic" encounters in the past, my paramour and I got so wrapped up in our "activities" we neglected to realize how far we had moved the bed from the wall. So at one point his hand slipped off the side and then just like that, he fell from the bed and onto the wine glasses we had set aside on the floor earlier. Needless to say, henceforth the mood was... "shattered."
Safety First
Pew Pew Reaction GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphyShe kept insisting that I didn't need a condom, "I'm infertile" was among her excuses. Like I just met you on Tinder. I just walked out. We didn't do anything.
Stay Dry
My wife headbutted me when tussling around in bed. Didn't think much of it. Kept going, switched position with me on top. She commented that I was drooling on her face.
Thing is I'm not a dog, so I wasn't drooling at all. Wiped my face with the back of my hand which came back wet.
Lights on. Blood all over the place. My nose was bleeding. I had bled in her eye...
Not as much a walk out since we still went to sleep together, but sex wasn't on the menu for the rest of the evening.
She Cray
We hadn't gotten very far, but I quickly moved down while she quickly moved up, and I broke my nose on her pelvic bone.
She suddenly flipped the absolute hell out, screaming at me about "ruining our night" as blood gushed out of my nose. Mind you this was like the second date. She continued to yell at me about how I needed to fix this (a total accident) and I just cleaned myself up the best I could and went home.
The Rough Ride
superman running GIFGiphyOof.
My gf at the time had been on top of me and came slightly disconnected on the upswing. Gravity and exuberance drove her back down snapping my penis in half (audibly, I might add) on her pelvic bone. Not gonna lie. Wish it'd been my nose.
Edit: Because a number have asked, no, I didn't go to hospital/see a urologist...didn't even think it was that serious at the time (but lets be honest: In the moment, it's freaking serious!). No lasting damage...Bruising and tenderness for a week and a bit, but no banana bend, no recurring pain, nothing. I consider myself pretty lucky in that regard, considering it could've been catastrophic.
Ok. I may never have sex again. Life is already dangerous enough. Now I have to worry about broken limbs and learning how to be a triage medic? My partner's encounter with the glass luckily had very little blood. He was just sore. But all of this nonsense is gonna give me nightmares. But, wait... there's more!
No Teeth
My ex-wife would bite me around my clavicle, most of the time hard, but not enough to kill the mood for me b/c it meant she was really liking what I was doing. Until one time when she bit so hard out of the blue she drew blood. It was over for the night.
Too Many Legs...
Yep!
My boyfriend said he felt something hit his back like it dropped and hit hardish and move so we stopped and I check and nothing was there so we continued.
About a minute later I had my hand on my boyfriend's shoulder and I feel something move on my hand I look and a huge house spider comes running over onto my face.
I screamed my boyfriend looked he sees the spider slaps it off my face and the pair of us get up and nope ourselves out the room throwing clothes on as we go danm 8 legs ruined our evening lol.
Bad Bounce
scared music video GIF by IHC 1NFINITYGiphyThis wasn't the guy's fault. I was bouncing on top of him and I accidentally bit my bottom lip really hard when I bounced. I started bleeding profusely on his chest and down my chin. We both stopped and ran to the bathroom.
Shut Up Already!!
I once regrettably dated a woman who was with me purely to upset her conservative parents. We were having sex in her bedroom and she began shouting as loudly as she could. I asked her to stop, but she said she wanted them to hear us.
That was not my idea of fun, so I stopped. She sobbed like a child because I didn't want to take part in her weird fantasy.
Are You Deaf?!
Im Out Shark Tank GIF by ABC NetworkGiphyThe guy kept asking if he could remove the condom. "But I'm clean, I've been tested like 2 weeks ago! You can trust me!"
Yeah, right. After maybe the 6th or 7th time I got so pissed off I just up and left.
LOL Stop!
A girl I had been seeing off and on did a pretty freaking spot on Christopher Walken impression. Like, from a 5 foot nothing, 110lb woman. It was really funny and she did it so rarely that it always made me laugh.
Anyway, one time we started doing it. A few minutes in, as we're getting into a good rhythm, she yells, "oh yeah, do me!" in her Walken voice and it was so freaking funny.
I laughed for way too long and we had to stop and go outside to gather myself.
Never Stop!
Excuse Me What GIF by One ChicagoGiphyI had an ex say her last boyfriend's name in the middle of the act.
I wasn't even insulted because I knew she was a drama queen and the way she said it was so over the top. "Oooooh my gooooooood ex's name, you are amazing. Never stop!" in a way that no real life human speaks outside of movies. I wouldn't have been mad if it had been accidental, mistakes happen, but the fact that she was doing it intentionally so she could have a dramatic scene straight out of The Notebook or some other garbage romance movie.
The Neck
He started to strangle me. I told him I didn't like that and he said he would stop, but his hands kept creeping up to my neck. Flipping terrified me. I sure as hell got out of there as fast as I could.
No Gary
Yeah I was with a girl after I had a fresh breakup, she was being really vulgar about what she wanted me to with her, but kept referring to me as her father.
Not like in a daddy kink kind of way, she just kept calling me Gary, and well. That was this woman's father's name.
We got started and then as soon as she said it again I lost the erection and then pretended to have chest pains and went home. She then spent the next few days messaging me about
"must have been wonderful if I almost gave you a heart attack."
I ended up blocking her.
Bye!!
He was my first Tinder hookup and kept trying to convince me that we shouldn't use a condom because he couldn't finish with one on. In my naivete, I didn't leave immediately but instead listed some options that didn't involve his condom-lessness.
He refused all of them and then tried to sneakily take off the condom without me noticing. That was my deal breaker (though in retrospect, it should have been much earlier) and I said, "I need to leave." I calmly dressed and collected my things while he climbed under his covers and pouted. I blocked his number as soon as I was in my car.
No More Drama
I actually did walk out. I was hooking up with this girl and she says something about her boyfriend while we are undressing each other and making out. I explain I don't need to be murdered in some cheating scenario. she explains its her EX bf so we are back on. Going at it for a few minutes and lining up for the landing when she says "I'm going to turn on my flip so I can send him a video".
Instant soft and I let myself out explaining I ain't getting shot.
Kill Tinder
It wasn't technically mid sex but I was newly single and trying to sex away my sorrows on tinder. After swiping for a while I linked with a chick and she was very forward and wanted to get down to business so I gave her my address to come over. She shows up with a baby... like probably 3 to 4 months old...
then proceeds to tell me she will set the baby up on the chair in the corner of the room while we do the deed. I had a microscopic studio apartment so she might as well have just wanted to place the baby on top of my head. Long story short I politely declined her services and deleted tinder.
Toilet Time
Interested Saturday Night Live GIF by HULUGiphyI was going down on a former girlfriend years ago and I was really drunk, well the room started spinning and to the toilet I went. Poor girl thought it was her. I reassured her it was not, I just mixed to much alcohol.
YOU find a treadmill!!!
Yes, during sex my ex boyfriend grabbed my stomach fat and said I needed to get rid of it.
My ex had grabbed mine the next day saying he had been a bit concerned I'd be too heavy on top. I had actually lost about 40 pounds before then and had been feeling more confident. I still had about 30 pounds to lose to be within the BMI range of normal, but didn't feel that comment was warranted. He completely killed that little bit of self-confidence I had and our relationship because I wasn't going to allow myself to feel that bad again. That, and the sex sucked horribly anyway.
So what have we learned? That taking a CPR course and basic ambulatory medicine is necessary for sweet, sweet loving.
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