You found love? Good for you. It probably wasn't easy, or even expected. It's difficult to open up and become vulnerable, especially if life's thrown you through the ringer.
Yellow-B asked lovers of Reddit, [Serious] Redditors who felt like they would never ever find a romantic partner and then did: what advice would you give to those who feel the same way now?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
This is so painfully accurate.
I was so painfully shy and insecure when I was younger. I didn't believe anyone would see anything valuable in me. I would say don't get caught up in thinking you're unlovable. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with people. I spent a lot of time pushing people away because I feared rejection so much.
Find someone who loves your flaws.
- You really only need one person.
- Don't pick someone to fix, or be fixed by - this will only take away your time and emotional energy.
Embrace your own faults.
Become okay on your own first and foremost and recognize that there are things about yourself that people will not like and will disqualify you from their dating pool and that's okay! I lost over 140 lbs and have quite the amount of loose skin and once I realized that some quys and gals just wouldn't be down for that and that's alright I started to be okay.
I let potential dates know before hand and if they were like, "eww no." Then I knew that that wasn't someone I would want in my life anyway.
Other guys I told about it would try to shower me with compliments and say, "no, you're perfect," but I could tell they cringed.
My current boyfriend saw a picture of my skin, nodded took a breath and said, "babe, your sh*t's f*cked."
I love that a--hole.
Accept that you're not for everyone - most people, in fact.
Knowing that it's okay to be disqualified is weirdly validating. Especially when you accept that there is no rhyme or reason. Because it also means that you can disqualify others just because you aren't feeling it.
Now there's something to be said for being too picky...but only if you're the type of person that is happier in a relationship with an imperfect person than single. There are some people out there who are married to their ideals and they are truly better off that way. Others realize they can accept another person who doesn't tick every box.
Expand your social network.
Try to do something that allows you to meet new people. And I don't mean it in a romantic way like go on dates, but, you know hang out with people, get to know someone new. This way even if you don't find someone to date, you can get to know someone and they will introduce you to someone else and so on.
I mean, I know it's very easy to just sit at home and be like "Well, if it's my fate, he/she will find me eventually". Especially if you're a girl (like me), it's easy to think this way and not even try to put in any efforts. But it doesn't work this way. Push yourself, be proactive, put yourself in situations where you might meet someone, even if they're sometimes not so comfortable for you. Even statistically the more people you meet, the more are the chances that one of them will end up that special someone.
Don't bank on luck.
I don't mean to spoil the mood, but there's a Bo Burnham quote that I think applies here: "I would say don't take advice from people like me who have gotten very lucky. We're very biased. You know, like Taylor Swift telling you to to follow your dreams is like a lottery winner telling you, 'Liquidize your assets; buy Powerball tickets - it works!' " If I'm honest, luck was the main factor in me finding my partner, and there's no formula or advice I can pass on for that.
Accept rejection. *Cries in Xanax*
I didn't meet my wife until I was 30. My 20's were quite lonely having had only one real girlfriend. Now that I'm married with 2 kids, my advice for anyone younger and trying to meet a partner in life, is that you need to be upfront about your feelings, and not be concerned about rejection. None of the rejection will matter when you get older. In the moment in can feel bad, but instead you should think, "oh well, they didn't like me, I will go try another one"
TLDR: not everyone is going to like you, and that's ok. Just keep trying until you find someone that does!
Don't go "looking" for a relationship.
I'd say don't stress it by purposely trying to "activate the dating mode" on every woman you meet, just stay at on a friend level and see how it goes, if it develops into something where you think she's interested in more, go for it, if not then don't ruin the friendship and respect her opinion. In the end it's a lot of randomness. My first gf came outta nowhere and didn't have the intent to date me, but it went well (well, for a while lol) That being said, I'm bad at all of that stuff so take my stuff with a grain of salt.
PSA: dating apps are terrible.
Get out of the house! People aren't going to show up to your front door. The more social events/places you go to the better. I know people who complain about there not being anyone out there for them but they never give themselves the opportunity to meet new people!
Enjoy your life. Someone will notice and want to be a part of it.
I spent much of the last 5 years thinking I was done with dating, that I'd be single forever, that women my age weren't interested in guys like me, etc. etc. etc. Make an excuse, I was probably telling it to myself.
I've tried online dating, I've tried getting "out there" and widening my social circles, doing new things. I'd had a few very brief trysts arise from my efforts, but real connections felt very scarce, which to me seemed preposterous. I live in a very progressive state, with TONS of smart, kind, witty, wild women who are involved, aware, and active. But for all my efforts to meet and hold the attention of one, I was only feeling more and more defeated over time.
The best thing you can do, I think, is to just do you. Find joy in your daily routine, in the aspects of your life that you choose. Be into you. Someone is going to notice. Confidence and comfort in your own skin is probably the most attractive quality one can project. Are you a little bit weird? F---ing go with it. Own it. Revel in it. Someone out there is gonna find your quirks adorable, even sexy. I'm 35 years old and I still have trouble believing myself to be an attractive individual. But I am also an incredibly harsh critic of myself, and I think many of us are, too. Just accept and love yourself, embrace and live the shit out of your life. Someone is going to want in.
