Guys listen, my man is dumb. Not unintelligent - but straight out dumb. I had a thing for him for ages and he was completely oblivious. I was a singer in a band when we met and would sing the whole set straight to him every single time. Like not even slickly at him, like I would sometimes sit right on the edge of the stage, grab his face in my hands and sing directly to him and only him. I even kissed him from the stage once. He still didn't get it. HOW DID HE NOT GET IT!?!
He laughs about it now that he can see it; mostly because I'm really not subtle. I have no poker face - and no idea how the hell he didn't catch it! Neither does he. Sometimes he'll catch me staring and just laugh and apologize for missing it for so long.
Reddit user xmobius0ne asked:
Women of reddit, what's the most obvious hint you gave to a guy that he didn't pick up on?
Women were quick to answer, and some men spoke up about hints they'd missed. I'm seriously concerned for the future of humanity, guys. Some of you are a little too oblivious; like, it can't be safe for you out here without supervision. Here are some of the more popular responses.
Floors And Belts
"That's a really nice belt. It would look better on my floor" while tugging at it and biting my lip. He looked at me totally confused before saying "Floors don't wear belts."
Must've Been A Prank
I literally wrapped my arms around him from behind and told him how cute I though the was. 5 years later we reconnected and started dating, he told me "I thought you were joking because you are too pretty to want to be with me"
Being insecure back then he convinced himself that he wasn't good enough and that it must have been a prank.
- paige120
The Discount
Giphy
Not a woman but was on the other end.
Worked at Kroger, super super cutie pie comes in with some friends they grab like 3 items and go through my line. I ring up the items and ask if they have a Kroger card (discount savings card.) She said no, she doesn't have a card.
I responded "That's ok you can enter your number." she looks at me with her super cute face and said "Can I have your number?"
I literally said: "I apologize, it's policy that I can't let you use my number for the Kroger discount."
She walked out very upset and the older guy that was bagging called me a f*ckin idiot. It was at that moment I understood I was a worthless virgin.
Liquid Courage
He was my best friend and I liked him for years. I'd shyly drop hints and flirt sometimes when he was single, but was never brave enough to say anything outright. I got drunk with him alone one night and the liquid courage kicked in. I literally told him I was attracted to him and the alcohol was making me a want to be a "bad friend." He laughed and said that It was "sweet of me to say."
I thought at the time he was turning me down.
Fast forward months later and we're hanging out again with more liquid courage and I just flat out said that sexual tension was making thing weird for me and asked if we could hook up and I'd promise not to be a weirdo about it. He was shocked that I had these feels about him. I was stunned that he didn't know. Really dude?
Long story short he actually like me from day one as well and didn't think I was interested. So he happily friend zoned himself. Wtf! Now we've been married for 6 year and he still can't tell when I wanna bone without me clearly saying it. Love him.
Tangible
A girl in the dorms texted me "Come down to my place so we can do something tangible." I didn't know what tangible meant then. Needless to say, I didn't do anything tangible that night.
The Type Of Hint
I told my husband on my way out that the house sure was messy. Came back home to a messy house.
Is this not the type of hint we are talking about?
- Zer_0
Those Cheesy Pornos
Laying in bed at night with my then-best friend/now husband, I was squirming around and complaining about how hot it was. I was uncertain because he wasn't throwing out hints, so I did the next best thing and I literally tried to act out one of those cheesy pornos.
"Ohhhhh, it's sooooooo warm, let me just get topless and throw off the covers and squirm around a little, moaning and groaning, in the hopes you might catch a glimpse and jump my bones!" Kind of like that. I took off my top so I was only wearing panties and HE STILL DIDN'T GET THE HINT.
Had to literally tell him I was interested before he made a move.
Serious About The Date
Giphy
He and I had been flirting for weeks. I asked him when he was planning on taking me out on a date. He laughed it off and I moved on. Years later, we happened to be at the same bar where he admitted having a huge crush on me for years. He didn't realize I had been serious about the date until I told him.
- CozyMeg
Mega Best Friends
I hugged and told him that I liked him. He responded by asking:
"So what are we? Best friends?"
"No, more than that!"
"Mega best friends?"
I never felt the need to smack my face against the concrete hard until that very day. Welp, I still love him and still together for almost 7 years now!
- meowrii_
Play Time
We've been living together for half a year, and dating for much longer.
Just finished a video game together.
Me: "I'm gonna go play with myself in bed." I walk towards the bed room whilst keeping eye contact with him.
Him: makes an acknowledging nod and says, "I won't disturb you then." He smiles and opens up Reddit to read the front page.
- MinamiQ
Oblivious
I'm a guy, but one time a girl had to literally tell me "I'm flirting with you now" because I'm oblivious to everything.
Happy New Year
Giphy
I'm the guy. After an evening in the pub a small group of us went back to her place to keep on drinking, about 2am I decide to leave and she is standing in front of me blocking the door, begging me to stay. "Sorry, I've got work tomorrow".
We ended up hooking up about a month later on new years eve when she called me a f*cking idiot.
Anti-Story
I have an anti-story of sorts..
Went to a place, met a woman, we flirted a bit. I asked "are you in any way interested in me", and her response was a shocked "no", to which I said "That's fine, I'd still like to be just friends".
She was shocked at my directness and caught off guard. But the fact of my directness interested her intensely. She and I are now together.
Please, humanity needs more direct talk and less posturing and pretense.
Booty Call
A friend had a small romance going on with a mutual friend. They'd had two dates. First one went well, and at the end she said that the only reason she wasn't inviting him back to hers was because she had a strict rule about not doing that after the first date. He didn't click that 'back to hers' = sex, and just assumed her house was messy. Second date went real well, but ended short when she found her brother was in hospital. At first he thought it was a ruse to end the date, but then she asked if he could drive her to the hospital.
So jump forward a few days and I'm out with him at a club. She messages him at about 11.30 asking what he's up to. He says out with mates, but it's a bit boring, he might head home. She says she has a nice bottle of rum but no Coke to mix it with - would he mind picking her up a bottle and bringing it over. At this point we are all giving him the pat on the back, and telling him to go get it. He is sure that she just wants a bottle of coke, and cbf going all the way out there to just turn around and come back.
She then offered to come grab him, and he asked why she didn't just grab herself a coke if she was happy to drive anyway. At this point, we are hanging bulk shit on him as he insists he doesn't think that it's a booty call. She's just hit him up at 11.30pm on a Saturday night after two dates because she wants a bottle of coke.
She ended up literally saying "what do I need to do to get you to come over and fuck me right now", at which point we were all basically on the floor laughing, and he ran to get a cab so quick I swear there was an outline of dust where we was like in a cartoon.
While waiting for him to arrive, she was messaging us to make sure we knew he was dumb as fuck and wanted to make sure we'd hung sh*t on him appropriately. We had.
(Font) Size Matters
Guy here.
We were 16(me) and 17(her) respectively. Kids, sure, but it's still a story. I had feelings for her until a few months before when I decided to give up. Kid me wasn't a persistent one.
We had a class together. She literally scribbled "I love you by the way" with like size 72 font in the notebook we've been chatting in for the whole lecture, in font 12. I guess she got a bit impatient. And it somehow missed me.
Six. Took me six freaking months to get it. I felt moronic for a year...
So, Lex, if you read this, I'm still sorry I was an idiot.
- KosViik
He was telling me about a meeting that was happening in a bar in our town every Friday, and I said I was interested and asked if he had Facebook. He said "Yes but I don't really use it."
He said he was beating himself up for this stupid answer all the way back home and I still love to tease him about it! We've been together for over a year now :)
- merme91
What Did I Smoke?
Giphy
I was friends with this girl living in a different city during college. I once went to her and we talked the whole evening until the point that I had to go to catch the last train. She convinced me to stay and we both slept in her bed. She started cuddling and I asked her what she was doing. She said "nothing."
I subsequently asked her if she was trying to sleep with me. She said "no, that's why i'm laying next to you naked". I didn't pick up on the sarcasm and went "ok cool sleep well" and I turned around and went to sleep!
To this day I don't know what I smoked to miss that.
Never Have I Ever
One time, as a teenager, a girl made out with me at a party. I assumed it was a sympathy makeout session, since we had been playing "never have I ever. "
The next day she and I were hanging out with a group of friends when two random guys began talking to her and another girl in our group. At some point one of the guys asked if she had a boyfriend. She looked away from the guys, stared me directly in the eyes and said "no, I don't have a boyfriend."
At the time, my only thought was that was kind of weird
It took the rest of the summer for me to realize she was actually interested in me and wanted a more serious relationship.
We've been together for 11 years and married for 6... Just kidding - we never got together, because she was visiting for the summer and I didn't think long distance would work well. I saw her one time about two years later. She had started smoking and I had lost interest.
I can tell you from experience that airplanes are not a good idea. Don't ask me how I know. A lady never kisses and tells, but highlights are ok. There will never be enough room and the movies are lying.
Like Glue...
Melissa Mccarthy Falling GIFGiphy"I lived in Australia for a bit and our studio had this black pleather couch. It looked exactly like that casting couch meme so we tried it for fun once. My ex sweats a lot even when it's not 40C out, but it was and we stuck to the couch like glue."
The Sting
"On a hike in a wildlife refuge. We went off the trail to a more remote area. Was all fun and games tell I got stung on the penis. Was after the event had ended when I was briefly exposed, the little moron went right at me. We joke about it regularly, I'd say it comes up monthly. Just out of the blue she will say "hey remember when you got stung on your penis?" Yes, I remember and will never forget."
Up a Tree
"A "treehouse" that was actually a plywood shack on 6' stilts. It was pretty old and the plywood was splintery, so he laid down an old towel for me (you know, like a gentleman.) Also it was too small for me to fit in any direction, so my head stuck out the door. I stared at the sky and just... And that's the story of how I lost my virginity! A close second would be the bed in his semi-abandoned house full of the semi-abandoned hoarded belongings of his mother. But that's a different story."
Walk Away...
"Met a girl online and we tried to do it at the park. A cop showed up before we started and told us we had to leave. We went back to our cars which was at a small shopping mall. We went behind the shopping mall and got it on behind a dumpster. It worked out well so we met up there again a week later. Except that time, as we were walking away, a dump truck picked the dumpster to empty the trash. Was hilarious at the time but frightening looking back on it. This was about 10 years ago."
Keyed Off
Piano Performing GIFGiphy"I don't recommend on top of a piano. Very uncomfortable and not at all the experience we envisioned."
Scratchy...
Screaming The Voice GIF by NBCGiphy"Bottom of cliff next to the ocean. Turns out I have an allergic reaction to coral and my back was scratched the hell up from it. It was windy, wet, and itchy. Runner up is a movie theatre."
Smoked
"In a literal smoke house... lost my virginity with about 50 rings of deer sausage hanging around to dry. My friend and his dad were gone and we were like "this seems like a great place!" At least when I went home I smelled like venison instead of sex."
"Well, if you find yourself stuck in a rut, it'll be something to fawn over."
Hey Fam...
"I'm not sure if this counts because we didn't get very far. But In a Burger King parking lot… He had a car, so we would park it someplace and hook up in the tiny little two-seater. I was sitting astride him and most of my clothes were off when he froze. I looked over my shoulder and the once abandoned parking lot was abandoned no more. A family of four were just staring at us through the windshield. We didn't know what to do so I just put my shirt back on and we drove away."
"we can hear everything"
"My childhood house had an enclosed porch that was level with my parents' bedroom window (it's hard to explain). You couldn't see into the porch from the window, but if the porch windows were open and the bedroom windows were open you could hear everything from either room."
"So my now husband and I were trying to have sex in that porch, having opened the windows cuz it was hot AH. My parents usually never opened their window and it was past ten, when they usually went to sleep. We weren't trying to be loud, but apparently we were."
"After we were done, I checked my phone and I had 5 missed calls and a text from my mother saying "we can hear everything" and "please at least use a condom". We didn't acknowledge it at the time but my mom got drunk a few years ago and told my aunt the story and said she was worried she was hearing the conception of her grandchild."
Ivy!
jerry seinfeld help GIF by HULUGiphy"After a drunken night on 6th st in Austin, girl and I were walking down red river st, she drags me in this bushy grassy area, we go at it, finish, call an Uber to west campus, continue going at it. The next day, we are super itchy, come to find later it was poison ivy, got it all over our genitals. Fun times. 10/10 would do it again though."
Also, be careful when and if you do it on a bus. You're never fully out of the driver's line of sight. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. Be careful out there but have fun.
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Redditor Pooky135790 wanted to know:
"What are the best adult jokes that are hidden in kids movies?"
These scenes really had us rolling.
Shrek definitely has a few innuendos.
"In Shrek talking about Snow White:"
"'Although she lives with 7 other men, she's not easy.'"
"Gets me every time!"
- Sregge
"The whole Duloc opening scene with the singing puppets. 'Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your…….face.'"
"Also in Shrek: when they get to Farquuad's castle, they note the large size of it, and Shrek asks if Farquuad is compensating for something."
"This joke is great because everyone can laugh at it."
"Kids will think it's a joke about his height."
"Adults will think it's a joke about his other kind of height."
Lord Farquaad Ok GIF by PeacockTVGiphyCars had plenty of jokes.
"In Cars when the two Miata ladies flash their pop-ups at McQueen"
"I didn't realize for years that that was the connotation."
"Look at that scene again and look at the photographers behind Mia."
"It took me a second but I think the one directly in the middle is zooming in on their posteriors lmfao."
- -Paint
lightning mcqueen car GIF by Disney PixarGiphy"Also the Piston Cup. 'He did what in his cup?!' Funny enough 10 year old me got that and my dad didn't."
"Also in Cars, when Mack is driving down the highway and wants to pull over into a truck stop to rest, the sign at the truck stop says 'Top Down Truck Stop, All Convertible Waitresses.'"
Robots had it's fair share of moments.
"In Robots the [father of the] main character and his wife get the parts for their robot child and exclaim, 'Making the baby's the fun part!'"
"Also the old lady bot, Aunt Fanny, has a lot of junk in her trunk."
Oh, Ratatouille.
"There is that one scene from Ratatouille, when Linguini is about to confess about how Remy is in his hat cooking for him, and says 'I... have... a little... tiny...' and right after he says tiny, Collette quickly glances down at his pants. I never even noticed it until someone pointed it out to me because it is pretty subtle and can be easy to miss."
"Seriously the best dick joke in a kid's movie."
"That and the time when the short lil chef guy catches linguini in the pantry and says, 'One can become to familiar with vegetables, you know!'"
ratatouille flirting GIF by Disney PixarGiphyCoco really went there!
"In Coco, everybody laughs when they say Hector died 'choking on chorizo.'"
"'Choking on chorizo' is Mexican slang for sucking d*ck."
"I mean the song Hector sings to his dying friend has the implied, but not spoken, lyrics: 'And her tits they drag on the floor...' (he says 'knuckles' but the guy shouts, 'those aren't the words!')."
- TerH2
What a forgotten gem Monster House was.
"Monster House."
"'That's it's uvula!' 'Oh.... So it's a girl house....'"
"Rick and Morty gets a lot of hate around here because of the sh*tty fan base, but Dan Harmon is a genuinely funny writer."
"Could not BELIEVE Dan Harmon was a writer on this 'til I googled Monster House; your point is a good one lol."
Even in Frozen.
"'Foot size doesn't matter' - when Anna from Frozen talks about her fiancé."
"Frozen 2, 'I like you better in leather anyway' when Kristoff dresses up for Anna at the end."
"My boyfriend and roommate and I all watched it and all three of us spat our drinks at that and we all did the 'Did we just hear what we think we heard?' look. Then we laughed for like 10 solid minutes."
Not a movie, but still good.
"There was an episode of Dexter's laboratory where the father kept going on about Dexter's mother's muffin, and saying he only married her for her muffin. The whole episode was filled with innuendo."
"'Your father is a muffin fiend, a muff-o-maniac, just the aroma can make him crazy.' Lol. Had to see it for myself."
"Season 2 ep 18 The Muffin King."
"There was the episode about DeeDee and Dexter having decoder rings! DeeDee says Dexter's club is for big 'I-D-K-S-C' Dexter decodes it, gasps, and says he's gonna tell mom. Lol."
Whispering French GIFGiphyChildren's shows may be for kids entertainment, but they're created by adults. No doubt they're going to slip in a few naughty jokes here and there.
Time to re-watch some old favorites and see what we missed when we were younger.
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