When I was in college my friends and I were constantly out galavanting, and of course, liquor was involved. One night on the way home from the most fabulous club I thought it was a great idea I drive because... wait for it... "I was the least drunk!" Perfect reasoning right?
Without a Scratch...
thank god singing GIF by WE tvGiphy"I survived a car crash that wrecked my car."
"Rolled twice, landed upside down, learned the hard way that I didn't have airbags (or at least they didn't deploy). Did have my seatbelt on though, that probably saved me. Paramedic said he hadn't seen a wreckage like that and have it end well. Not even a hairline fracture."
200 Stitches
"Not me, but my mom before I was born. She was riding in a convertible with a friend of hers. They came to an intersection and the friend wasn't paying attention and lost control of the vehicle. There was a big rig going through the intersection and they went right under the trailer. My mom ducked, the driver didn't not."
"Driver was decapitated, my mom was lucky and only ended up with a scalp full of glass and some serious psychological trauma. She had to get over 200 stitches in her scalp But nothing else significant. I think about it all the time and think how close I came to never being born at all."
- Laszerus
"dude let's climb it!"
"I had an idiot friend and we were hiking. We got to this waterfall and he goes "dude let's climb it!" I said no freaking way. He says "well I'm gonna do it and if I fall and die it's on you for not coming." So I climbed it with him. Got stuck halfway up on a slick a** rock. Pinched a nerve in my shoulder, so my right arm was useless. I thought I was certain to slip off the rock to my doom, but we managed to get me unstuck. That was the beginning of the end for that friendship."
Point Break
"I went out for a surf on a stormy day and thought to myself, "no one else is out, those idiots." Before being held down by 2 waves after eating it on the first wave of the set. First wave of the session. Was thrown down and held under and while being tossed around my leg rope wrapped around both my legs and one of my arms so I was probably being held at around 5ft under with only one arm free while my board tombstoned (board tip is barely visible at the surface but floats vertical like...a tombstone)."
"Finally managed to catch a breath between sets before taking another 3 or 4 on the head and for sure just thought... well this is it. No ones out, fishermen will find my body or my board. Managed to get my other arm free and got to shore very quickly and then avoided the ocean for a few days even though the waves were absolutely perfect. There's a reason no one was out, everyone else was 10 minutes down the road at another beach where the waves were smaller and cleaner."
Both Sides Now
Giphy"Tire popped going over a two lane road with steep drops on both sides."
"My car jerked to the side hard, and my car went sideways. Half my car hung over the side and luckily it's low so it bottomed out. I climbed into the back seat and jumped out the back door. Some dude in a truck pulled me out and I drove on a flat to the other side and swapped my tire out."
That all sounds about right...
And so when my besties and I were driving along the road we got lost in conversation, about boys. Like you do when you're blitzed and should be paying attention to the road, like many others...
Jump!
jim carrey falling GIFGiphy"Parachute deployed but failed to open. That was one of those moments, then training kicked in. Cut away failed chute, deploy secondary. But for a brief moment life was about to be over in my mind."
Games
"When I was a kid I was playing hide and seek with my siblings and I got the brilliant idea to hide in the trunk of the car. I meant to leave the trunk barely open so that it didn't latch but accidentally closed it too far and it latched. Mind you this was before they put handles in cars to open trunks from the inside so I was legitimately stuck."
"It was almost completely dark so I started seriously freaking out and I thought I was going to die, so I started yelling for help as loud as I could and was kicking at the back seat thinking maybe I could break the latch that keeps the seat from folding."
"I was probably only in there for about 5 minutes before someone heard me and let me out but it felt like an eternity. To this day I firmly believe it was because of this incident that I developed some minor claustrophobia. I still have serious fears about being in small, cramped and dark areas."
A Terrible Choice
"I was driving down a highway, doing 65 MPH, and suddenly my car started to shake. I tapped the brakes in reflex and my entire car flipped 180 degrees. I'm now facing oncoming traffic, including a semi truck. I was so close I couldn't see the driver compartment."
"I screamed and jerked the wheel, bringing me in front of a sedan with two people screaming as they watched me appear out of nowhere. I kept screaming and floored the gas pedal. Made it to the side of the road and cried for a long time. I had blown a rear tire. Hitting the brakes was a terrible terrible choice."
At least 90...
"I was driving home from college on one of those highways with only one lane in either direction and no shoulder. A guy in the oncoming lane didn't see me as I was in a small car. He thought he could pass 4 18 wheelers in one go and pulled into my lane going at least 90. There was no where for me to go. He flew off into the ditch to avoid hitting me head on, likely did severe damage to his car, but I lived!"
On the Gauley
Rafting Raft GIF by Kern River OutfittersGiphy"Went white water rafting on the Gauley river and my raft flipped on pillow rock (one of the most famous class v rapids). Scariest moment of my life but, other than unexpectedly swallowing some water and almost vomiting, I came out completely unharmed."
See... everybody needs to pay attention more. That's the lesson.
Just like my friends and I. When we were not paying attention, and in all of our drunken glory, we hit the medium and flew across lanes. We plowed into a fence and did two... TWO 360 turns. We thought we were dead! We literally flew! But we all lived. And what I remember most is my friend Kate screaming... "TELL MY MOTHER I LOVED HER!!"
Be better people!
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Danger Hours
the ice pirates shaving GIF by Warner ArchiveGiphyTrying to clean the facial hair out of my razor, I sliced one of my finger tips slightly open.
Less than a second later and irritated with blood dripping onto the sink, I quickly attempted to the clean the rest of the razor exactly same the same way with my next finger, resulting in another slight slicing.
In my defense, it was very early in the morning and I wasn't yet a coffee drinker at that point in my life.
Bullseye
Put a knife into a slingshot to shoot my buddy in the butt. Believe it or not, there was no ill will involved. The idea popped into my head and my fourteen year old brain thought, 'Holy crap, that sounds hilarious!'
Fortunately, the knife slipped and completely opened up the space between my thumb and forefinger. Internal stitches, external stitches and a thing that held my hand in place for a while.
I felt dumb, it hurt badly, but at the end of the day I'm so happy I hurt myself instead of doing some serious damage to someone else because I wasn't thinking things through.
A Bumpy Slumber
I've told this story before, but here's once more.
I was sleeping one afternoon, and all my weight had fallen on my arm. As a result, my arm fell asleep too and got dead numb.
The phone started ringing and the sound somehow blended in my dream, causing me to dream about a fire alarm going off. I got panicked in my sleep and that panic continued when I realized that the ringing wasn't just in my dream, it was happening for real. So I popped up, sleepy and confused, and started running towards the source of the noise.
Comically enough, my arm was so numb that it was beyond my control and was flailing randomly by my side, crashing onto nearby walls and furniture as I was running towards the sound. It was like running with a jelly-like arm - think what happened to Harry Potter in HP and the Chamber of Secrets when Lockhart deboned his arm accidentally.
Anyway, I don't know which of the billion crashes and bumps was the one that did the job, but that's how I dislocated my pinky. It was a good hit and my finger stood at a really weird angle afterwards, so I had to go to the doctor to put it back in its place. Hurt like a *itch too.
Lean In
oh no fire GIFGiphyI was baked and baking and couldn't see the meat thermometer, so I leaned in and grilled my face a bit, I still look a bit like John Marston.
Chin Fluff
The first few weeks of boot camp I was still learning to shave properly (I turned 18 while I was there and only had a bit of chin fluff). My face wasn't used to daily shaving and I started getting this really itchy dry crusty skin around my chin. We'd also been issued ultra fine grain sandpaper for polishing the brass parts of our ceremonial uniforms. I had the bright idea to smooth my face out with it one morning, which actually worked really well. Took the dry itchy skin right off.
And a few layers underneath, which didn't hurt at the time but stung like hell about 30 minutes later during a dress inspection. And was apparently really visible because the parts I'd polished were swollen, red, and slightly bleeding. The drill staff were (in a way) impressed since no one else had sandpapered their own face before, so I guess I hold some sort of record in that regard.
The Stabbing
I was cutting a wire tie off a couch a month ago and stabbed myself in the wrist with a steak knife. Got a tetanus shot after that one.
Okay edit since this apparently is getting attention: I got the TDAP shot from my local pharmacy and it didn't hurt that much. It was a $400 couch from Wayfair for my grandmother. And I was not cutting toward myself I was cutting straight forward but the force I used sent my right hand towards my left one in a weird hard to describe with just text way. It was a sucky day.
Overnight Idiocy
Working overnights years ago. Had gotten home and threw a TV dinner in the oven. Sat down and was watching a movie. Couple hours later I'm still sitting there watching tv and I think "Man I'm hungry... I should make myself a OMG my food!" Luckily there was no fire and the smoke wasn't bad until I opened the oven. The tray was shriveled and everything was little black chunks of coal. I didn't injure myself that time but just another dummy thing I've done in a long line of dumba**ery.
The Body Says NO!
Back Pain GIF by memecandyGiphyI destroyed my back putting on socks one morning. I couldn't move without spasms for over a week.
To be fair, I had done a lot of snow blowing and shoveling in the prior days but the socks were the last straw for my back, apparently.
For the love of Ice Cream
So my son wanted me to open his ice cream bar. You know the good humor ones on the stick. I was standing next to the kitchen table. I dropped the ice cream and when I moved my hands down to catch it I hit the top corner of the chair with my wrist. Broke two bones in my wrist and spent weeks in a cast. I caught the ice cream though.
15 Feet Below
meek mill falling GIFGiphyI fell about 15 feet off a balcony while in university and trying to hit on a girl.
Was very drunk and didn't realize how thin the railing was. Got "Hey..." out and over I go. Got my arm caught in the bars on the way down, messed up my shoulder, and landed on my hands and face. Broke or sprained all of my fingers.
Not a good night for this guy.
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