In my family we have something of a mantra: "If you're going to be dumb, you gotta be tough." It's the kind of thing that you wish you didn't have to say, but kids (and teenagers and my brother) have a way of just bringing it out of you.
There have been shenanigans aplenty from all of us. Some of you who follow my work may know about my Indiana Jones facial scar. My brother once knocked himself unconscious because he was convinced he could emulate a scene from Moral Kombat. (Spoiler Alert: He could not.) Grandma burned down the kitchen cooking fish. My sister knocked herself out doing choreography in the shower. Let's just say we're a family full of "tough" people.
Reddit user m0na-l1sa asked:
Yeah ... there are a lot of "tough" folks in these comments. Kick back (cautiously, please) and enjoy the disasters.
I once tested out a jammed nail gun on the palm of my hand. It was no longer jammed.
Finally gathered the courage to tell my high school girlfriend that we weren't working and that I wanted to break up...
...via a phone call...
...while forgetting that that particular day was her birthday...
Sophomore year was a ton of fun.
Calm Down, Tony Hawk
When I was 19 my friends and I used to go driving around in my Jeep Wrangler.
One day we decided to skateboard behind it while holding an extension cord. Think similarly to how people water ski behind a boat.
On our first attempt I decided to be the guinea pig since it was my idea.
Things started off fine so they sped up to like 15 or maybe 20 mph.
I decided it was too fast so I jumped off the board and started running while I dropped the cord on the ground.
By some freakish miracle the cord wrapped around my leg and started dragging me.
I was dragged for probably a good 100 feet before they were able to get the driver to stop.
My underwear got melted to my skin and I had to peel it off which was one of the most painful things that's ever happened to me.
I couldn't sleep on my back for a couple weeks.
A week after getting my license, I decided to take a spontaneous road trip 300 miles to visit a pen pal in the next state over I had never met before.
The stupid part is I told no one I was going - namely my parents because I knew they'd freak - and when I was there, my car spun out while driving and I popped a couple tires.
Well, I got 1 replaced, and the other full of fix-a-flat.
Then my geniusself remembered I had to work the next day, so I decided 'let's see how fast my Civic can go. Maxed the speedometer at 125 for 2 minutes non-stop at one point. With fix-a-flat.
Oh and I totally got lost and didn't make it to work on time and meeting my pen pal wasn't even worth it. It was a time in my life where a lot of relationships I formed then faded into obscurity.
How I managed to make it home, let alone not getting pulled over, is still a mystery to me.
Stole money from a meth head. Then told him about it. Easy way to get a revolver in your face if you're into that sort of thing. To clarify, I was not on meth. Wasn't under the influence at all. I don't know if that makes it better or worse.
I punched a window out of anger and severed my median nerve causing like 75% paralysis of my right hand and thumb.
I guess that's why they call it window pane.
Old Enough To Know Better
Microwaved my cordless phone to dry it off after dropping it in my toilet. I was in my early 20's.
When I was little I ate Comet (the cleaning chemical) because I thought it was mozzarella cheese. I sprinkled it on my pizza and after the first bite quickly realized it wasn't cheese. For those that don't know. Comet is bleach that comes in a green bottle. To my young brain it looked exactly like the mozzarella cheese you would dazzle on a slice of pizza, that would also come in a green bottle. I think I grew up fine since then.
You didn't. Because all this time, you thought it was mozzarella cheese. It's Parmesan cheese in the green can.
OH SONOFA B-
Got really high while home alone and decided to eat my girlfriend's zucchini bread. Basically my high brain only sent a single chew command followed by a instantly regretful swallow. I felt the gigantic chunk of once-chewed bread lodged in my throat immediately.
My first step was to try to take a drink of water to wash it down, and I could literally feel the cold stop halfway down my throat. Then panic set in and I grabbed a chair from the table and tried giving myself the Heimlich to no avail.
I stood up and for the first time in my life I could see the darkness coming in from the outside of my vision. I could feel myself starting to pass out and decided to go for broke and just shoved my entire hand down my throat and broke it up.
Took a huge gasp, saw stars, and had throat skin under finger nails. Throat hurt for a good couple weeks, but at least I'm alive.
No Panty Lines
There was a girl I asked to see a jazz concert with. I thought she just liked me like a friend. When I picked her up, she asked if I liked her dress, I said "yeah!" and she said "I'm not wearing panties under here." I didn't miss a beat and said "Oh, right, to avoid lines. Right." And we saw the concert and I dropped her off. Realized the next morning how stupid I was.
Always Account For Wind
When I was 11 the kids on the other side of the back fence were being aholes, throwing stuff at me and talking stuff. so I decided to grab my moms pepper spray and spray them. I didn't take the wind into account and it sprayed right back in my face.
Why A Potato?
In my freshman year of high school I rolled a potato with my phone number on it to my crush in the cafeteria.
Never got a call.
The Nasal Rinse
I was smoking and after showering still smelled it, so I tilted my head back under the sink to pour water into my nostrils... Practically drowned.
We got a new, powerful and metal ceiling fan.
I tried to touch it as slightly as possible, just to feel it brush my fingertips.
Doctor said it did not need stitches, and it healed on its own. He just cleaned the wound and taped it.
He also said I am an idiot, and asked if I needed that in writing.