Typing While Tired

In college I had a fair number of all nighters and usually had the tv going to help keep me up and help with concentration. Once a couple weeks after submitting an essay for a political science class I noticed that the message I sent with it to my professor went something like: "attached is my water for Italian cooking". My essay was completely fine and had nothing to do with Italy. I guess my brain just turned off as soon as I'd attached the paper and there must have been some cooking related infomercial on tv while I sent it.

TSA, Not T & A

Was taking my belt off at airport security. After I unbuckled, I momentarily thought I was in the bathroom and started unzipping.

Stopped myself half a second before I pulled everything down.

F-Bomb

The name of the place I work at begins with an "F". I was chatting with one of my coworkers who was telling me how she runs 10 miles or so every morning as the phone was ringing. What was going through my head was "f$%# that." So when I answered the phone I said,

"F$%#, this is Travis how can I help you?"

Proctologist Exam

My husband and I had an inside joke. Whenever someone lost something, the other person always asked, "have you checked inside your butt?"

I was in a meeting at work (conservative and traditional corporate office) one day and a coworker said, "I can't find my pen."

Without any thought or hesitation I quickly responded, "have you checked inside your butt?" As soon as I said it, I snapped back to reality and realized I was at work.

As you can imagine, everyone went silent and stared at me as my face turned bright red.

Feverish

When I was sick and feeling feverish, I decided to take some Motrin to try and alleviate the symptoms. Usually I grab the pill bottle and shake out two pills, but instead I grabbed my water bottle first and poured water all over my hand.

Snacktime

I sleepwalk once in a while. Recently I got up at 2am and fed the dog. My girlfriend woke up and was like "wtf, did you just feed the dog? What time is it?"

Apparently I looked her in the eye and said, "Everyone loves a midnight snack."

Workplace Adoption

Was on the phone with my boss and she was getting really irritated about something, I don't even remember what. The combination of her irritation and my exhaustion made my brain misfire, and I ended the call with "okay bye bye Mom, I love you!" I was so embarrassed but she thought it was hilarious and started calling me her adopted daughter after that.

Cheese Drawer

I bought a block of cheese for myself last weekend while my fiancé was away in Nashville. Put it in the fridge like a normal person. At some point I had to get something out of the "miscellaneous" drawer in the kitchen (you know, the one that holds pencils/rubber bands/menus). I didn't find what I was looking for in there, but I did find an unopened block of cheese. No idea how I managed to put it there, nor do I remember ever taking it out of the fridge. But it had to be me, right?

Welcome Home

Not too weird because it does make sense, I recently moved to the apartment directly above the one I used to live in. My former roommate leaves the door unlocked.

The frequency at which I just storm in and enter my empty old bedroom is staggering.

Hair Whitening Power?

Loaded up my toothbrush with toothpaste and proceeded to brush my hair with it instead of my teeth.

Cold Call

Back when we had a landline I was talking on the cordless phone and when I hung up I stuck it in the fridge without even blinking an eye. It was lost for hours and nobody noticed until we got a phone call and the fridge started ringing.

Waiting for a Ride

After work I got into the passenger seat of my car and waited a good 2 minutes to be driven home before realizing I was alone.

Inadvertent Stenographer

Typing up a report for work.

Coworkers having a conversation near me.

I proceed to start transcribing their conversation.

Refreshing

I had OJ at work-while I had someone in my office I went to shake it, but the cap was off and proceeded to shower myself with OJ.

Maybe We Should All Try This

Answered my cell phone "911 center, what's the location of your emergency?"

Makes my spouse laugh, my friends roll their eyes, and scares the f*$% out of telemarketers.

12 hr night shifts are a b.

Restroom Break

I'm a security guard for Amazon and I have to do bathroom checks.

Caught myself yelling "SECURITY!" right before going to the restroom at a bar on my day off.

Thank God it was empty.

A Cold One

When I was in school (6th grade I think) my mom would make my bagged lunch. She would wrap soda cans with aluminum foil so they would stay cold (pretty sure that doesn't work).

One day I unwrapped my soda and discovered she packed me a beer that day.

Imaginary Furry Friend

Woke up early Monday morning in a bit of a panic.

I had forgot to buy cat food yesterday. The cat must be starving. I hurry and get ready for work. I plan a detour to the store to buy the cat food.

On the drive there I'm planning my run into the store and I realize I don't know what aisle the food is on. How could I not remember what aisle the cat food is on?

Then it hits me.

I don't have a cat.

I haven't had one for several years.

UNwanted Facial Hair

Cleaning up my face with electric clippers. Thought, "Oh, missed a spot." and proceeded to shave off my f$%#ing eyebrow.

Don't Drink and Dye

My wife and I were dying some Easter eggs and drinking wine this past Saturday night and I watched her take a big swig out of orange. There was an egg in the cup and everything.

Kleptomania

I filled my car with gas and, when I got home, realized that I had not paid. I went back to the station and told the clerk what I had done. She thought she was missing a payment but the station was really busy at the time so she wasn't exactly sure. I paid for my stolen gas and went about my way.

I also walked into the convenience store next to my work, grabbed a Gatorade out of the cooler and walked out the door. I realized what I did when I got back to work. Went back and paid for that, too.

SubZa

I used to work for [a sandwich retailer], so I was very used to "pizza sub" meaning "pepperoni".

One day I went to a pizza place on my break and repeatedly told them I wanted a "pizza" pizza, and got very annoyed that they kept asking what kind of pizza I wanted.

Extra Fiber

Opening a Mozzarella cheese stick for my daughter, threw away the actual cheese stick and gave her the wrapper.

Drinking the Paper Probably Hurt

Got into my car with coffee and a newspaper. Carefully held the rolled-up newspaper whilst hurling the coffee onto the passenger seat.

House Horse

I cared for a horse for several years.

First thing in the morning I would go put feed and water in the field, lead her out, and close the fence behind her.

One morning as I'm walking back into my house, I hear a weird sound behind me. The sound of hooves on linoleum.

She looked as surprised as I was that I had brought her into my kitchen. Luckily, she never told anyone so my secret is still safe.

Packrat

Once while playing an intense board game, I was concentrating so hard that my buddy realized that he could just hand random things to me and I'd take them and put them in my jacket pocket or place them on the table in front of me. I only realized when I ran out of space to put things.

Extra Sweet

nstead of ground coffee, I put a couple scoops of sugar in my coffee filter and brewed it. pyrrhicvictorylap

Self-Feeder Might Be Best

My dog eats in my room, which is across the house from the kitchen, and she gets a mix of wet and dry food that I mix up with a fork. So I get her wet food, get halfway to my room, realize I've forgotten the fork. Go back to the kitchen, get a fork, get halfway back to my room and realize I've forgotten the food. Go back to the kitchen, set the fork down, forget entirely what I'm doing, go back to my room to a very sad and confused puppy. Pour her dry food into her bowl, go to the kitchen, leave the bowl on the counter and go turn on the TV. Walk back in fifteen minutes later, see the bowl, fork and food sitting on the counter, feel like a dunce and apologize to the puppy. Repeat 2-3 times a week.

Not Very Appetizing

I grabbed my "lunch" on my way out the door for work in the morning.

I kept wondering what that beeping noise was the whole drive there. Couldn't figure it out.

Got to work and grabbed my lunch, only to realize I had actually grabbed the baby monitor.

Nicotine Support

went to a high school in the early 90s where smoking in the bathrooms between classes was very, very common, even though it was punishable by an $80 fine. You were required to say "it's cool" when entering the bathroom or kids would assume you were a teacher and put their cigarettes out. Not doing so could get your a** whooped. Like most kids in my school I became so used to it that it was second nature. I got a job in IT immediately after leaving high school, in a nice office building where I had to wear a tie. I'll never forget walking into the bathroom and loudly saying "it's cool," and the president of the company saying "what's cool?" with a confused look on his face. I just stood there like a dope for a second, and then made up something about it being part of a song. I'm sure he thought I was a weirdo after that.

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Note: Comments have been edited for clarity.