Come closer... I'm going to tell you about my boyfriend's embarrassing injury - but shh, don't tell him I told you guys.
So - like ALL guys - dude can poop for forever. I don't understand male physiology. Why does it take 45 minutes to poop? I can only assume it's because we have kids and that's the only place we can get any peace and quiet.
Anyway, so one morning about a half hour into his traditional morning poop, he sends me a text that he's thrown his back out. Pooping. How that's even possible I may never know. It's not the X Games.
He waddled out of the bathroom grimacing in pain about ten minutes later. There was absolutely no way he could work, he could barely walk! Time for a convincing cover story; he told everyone he hurt himself moving furniture (we were just settling into a new place at the time, so it was totally believable.)
It took this man over a week to get over his poop injury.
Reddit user jcrewz asked:
I was once buttering toast with my face really close to it (I like my butter to be spread precisely) then I sneezed and slammed my head on the counter, effectively knocking myself out, and had to go to the ER to be treated for a concussion. I don't remember what I told them, but it definitely wasn't the truth.
Not Sure Which Is Worse
I was removing facial hair using a remover cream. I ended up leaving it on for too long which caused burns.
I told people I dropped hot noodles on my face.
I have a 1.5" stab wound scar on my left bicep. When I was younger and attractive girls asked me how it happened, I would tell them it happened during a fight where someone pulled a knife on me.
Actually...I worked in a butcher shop of a market when I was in my late teens. Part of my job was to collect all the carving knives from the prep area, put into a large plastic bin, and carry them behind the deli case to the kitchen to wash. One time coming back out of the kitchen, I failed to notice that someone had opened the trap door to the basement, which was in my direct path.
The plastic bin of knives obscured my view.
I took one fateful step and tumbled into the basement, with the (very sharp) contents of the bin raining down around me.
Somehow I escaped with only a twisted ankle and the aforementioned stab wound in my arm for which I had to go to the ER for stitches. I'll always remember being dazed, sitting at the bottom of the stairs looking up and seeing a meat cleaver embedded in one of the steps.
I once punched a bowling ball because I was frustrated. It turns out bowling balls are pretty hard. Broke my hand, it was swollen and bloody. Told my boss at work I slammed my hand in a door.
Its still broken, this was like 6 months ago.
Loving Yourself Too Hard
I dislocated my kneecap while masturbating. Lied and said I was falling off my bed when I woke up from a dream.
Threw out my back sneezing, told people I was moving something heavy because that was less stupid than the truth.
Finally a story I can share!
I was playing football (soccer) with a bunch of friends (I was 12). Since we were all still schoolkids, one team was usually gonna steamroll the other. On this occasion, I happened to be the keeper on the winning team, so I had nothing to do and I was really bored.
I decided it was a good time to do some pull ups, and so I grabbed the crossbar of the goalpost, and pulled myself up. Once I was on top, I stuck out my legs for fun... And got them stuck in the net. I couldn't untangle my legs no matter how hard I tried.
I ended up falling to the ground, but I stuck out my hands to prevent myself from breaking my tailbone.
I eventually found out that I'd broken my left wrist, with one of the bones inside the wrist being pushed out of position and slightly fractured.
What I told my parents (and the doctor too) was that I was running after the ball, and tripped over something, thus causing me to fall face first and break my wrist.
I broke my toe running from a bee.
I'm a huge weenie about stingy bugs, so when a bee got in my hair I freaked out. I ran toward the house, lost my balance, kicked the concrete step of mom's porch and fell backwards. Mom was sitting on the porch and I accidentally backhanded her before crashing to the ground. She was laughing so hard she couldn't help me up, and I was laughing so hard I couldn't get up.
I was super embarrassed for a while and just told everyone I tripped. I got over the shame because it was pretty funny, so I don't lie about it anymore.
Lord Sheldon And The Burrito
I was walking my dog, Lord Sheldon, in the park and I dropped my burrito on a rock in the creek, so I reached over to get it and I fell and dislocated my shoulder. I told all my coworkers that I was mugged in the park because they would never stop teasing me about it if I told the truth.
Comics Are Life
I was going to the bathroom and I was reading comic books. I was on the toilet for so long that my legs happened to fall asleep. As I was getting up I fell over with no use of my legs and broke my wrist. Told everyone I got in a fist fight.
Imitating The CatGiphy
I said I broke my toe hitting it on the radiator, which wasn't a lie in itself. What I left out is I hit it on the radiator because I fell off my bed, which happened because I was trying to imitate my cat and see if I could lick my butt. I could not.
I have bad tinnitus in my left ear. I tell people it's from firing rifles in the army without earplugs.
The real reason is I strained really really hard trying to poop when I was 13 and my ear popped. It's never been the same since.
The morning after the first time I spent the night with my now husband he made egg burritos for us for breakfast. We starting fooling around after eating and he hadn't washed his hands thoroughly enough to get the habanero (a kind of spicy pepper) off apparently.
After a couple days of still being in absolute misery in my vaginal area, I broke down and called my mom asking for the doctors number (I was 22). My mother offered to make the appointment for me and asked what was wrong. Instead of telling her I had slept with a stupid dude who injured my vagina in the worst way and I need to get a full STD screening while I'm at it, I told her I thought I had a yeast infection.
I had to wait two weeks for the appointment. I get to the check-in with the nurse and as soon as she says yeast infection I started crying, telling her what actually happened, why I lied, and she tells me not to worry, while trying to keep professional and not laughing. They did what they do and gave me a cream for my chemical burn and an antibiotic for a UTI.
I get home my mom sees my prescription cream, instantly freaks out and asks me what the hell happened. I come clean, she laughs hysterically. The moment my dad walks in the door she tells him, they both laugh hysterically. Nearly 10 years later, any chance they get they bring it up and laugh hysterically. Should have just stuck with the lie.
Sitting For Dinner
I once semi-dislocated my kneecap (in such a way that my leg locked up and I was in incredible pain) by sitting down to eat at the dinner table and twisting my leg somehow.
I hurt myself sitting down.
Instead I told my friends I had fallen down a steep hill on the local heathland, but my brother told them the truth and I was promptly mocked.
I was around 15, messing around with a bunch of friends, and we found a stuffed toy monkey in the bushes. We decided to call it Jicepy and took some dumb pics with it. Then my friend decided to toss him into the trees.
Me, having grown attached to the plushie we had walked around town with for three hours, dunking in puddles and taking pictures of posed with beer bottles and half smoked cigarettes, decided to dive after this thing in an attempt to rescue him. The only thing I came back with was a torn open knee and a nasty scar....RIP Jicepy :(
I just tell people I got the scar from falling over in a pool lmao (I worked briefly cleaning out the drained pools for rescue seals, they were slippery) No one can learn I actually got it diving into the bushes shrieking to retrieve a small dirt covered plushie monkey.
Snuggles Gone Wrong
I once got a black eye from smothering my dog with love and hugs. I had my arms around her and my face pressed up against hers and when she heard the sounds of the neighborhood dogs, she jolted her head down and back up to break free of my embrace. Basically a blunt snout to my eye caused an almost immediate black eye to appear.
A very odd and difficult story to explain in passing at school, "Uhh, haha yeah... my dog gave me a black eye", so I lied and said I got in a fist fight.
I had an exacto in my hand, but I was trying to move some plastic that I didnt want to cut/scratch, so I put the exacto in my back pocket. This is something I NEVER do. After moving the plastic, I see an exacto on the table I was working at, so I didn't think much of it and several minutes later I went to use the restroom. As I went to pull up my pants, I felt something slice my thigh open. The exacto was still in my pocket...and it took a fair chunk out of my thigh. Ended up needing 5 stitches...I didn't lie about it, but it's definitely the dumbest way I've hurt myself.
The back of my left hand has a huge gash across it and two of my fingers don't have full range of motion anymore. I tell people its a scar from the military that I don't want to talk about.
Really, I was playing hopscotch in my Moms living room with my nieces. I back handed a light bulb. Passed out from blood loss, and woke up on the way to the ER.
Um, I broke my left shoulder last September, cause I got a chair that spins for the first time in my life. Wanted to play with it a bit so I tried to get on with my knees. Somehow, the leg that got on pushed the chair away and started creating a split, with my one leg pushing the chair away and the other being stationary on the ground. I fell and broke my left shoulder.
My story now is that I tripped and fell down the stairs. It sounds less embarrassing.
When Hoarders Recycle
I think this was 3.5 or 4.5 years ago. Mom and I were cleaning house on New Year's Day because her brother and his wife were going to come over. Mom, for the first time in more than ten years, cleaned out her desk (both of my parents are compulsive hoarders, my dad is also a compulsive shopper/spender, so this was an exciting development).
We were about done cleaning, so we gathered up the trash and headed down to the dumpster and were going to get right in the car to go buy some dinner. Mom is very much out of shape, so I trekked across the parking lot to the dumpsters while she cleaned the snow off the car.
I managed to get rid of the trash without trouble, but the recycling bins were blocked by some discarded appliances: a dishwasher, two mini-fridges, and a fridge/freezer combo. I was determined not to bring the paper back upstairs or to contribute further to the American waste problems. They'd clearly been there for a few days as they were completely covered in snow and ice. I eyed up the situation and decided that injury was likely.
Obviously I ignored my assessment. As a short person, I determined I would have to mount one of the mini-fridges and would not be able to just step OVER it (later discovered that my legs WERE just long enough to have done so). I set a foot atop the mini-fridge immediately next to the fridge-freezer and held the handle on the freezer door for stability's sake. As soon as I placed my weight on the mini-fridge, the snow and ice sitting on it slid right off and I fell backwards.
In my descent, the back of my head hit the round steel pipe that formed the top horizontal edge of the dumpster and I slid down the side of the dumpster. I thought for about five seconds that I'd gotten away with no injury as I have very thick, curly hair which was down and my hood was up. It turned out that I'd struck the dumpster hard enough to split my scalp (kind of like a crack in the flesh of a dropped watermelon) which being cut by a sharp edge of any kind.
Being a head wound, the two-inch scalp lac turned by hair almost completely red in about five minutes. We were planning to get dinner out by one of the nearest hospitals, so I waited until we got that far to decide if i wanted to go to urgent care or not. The bleeding had slowed by then, so I decided not to bother.
I had a headache for at least a week, was nauseated, had trouble sleeping, and obviously had a concussion (not my first). I wasn't able to take any meds for the first 36 hours because I only had ibuprofen at home and you should only take acetaminophen with a head injury.
Moral of the story, if you assess a situation and deem injury to be a likely outcome you will most likely be injured and it will suck.
I have a gnarly 3rd degree burn scar on the inside of my upper arm.
What I've told people: accident with boiling water in the kitchen, I was moving a pot and the water splashed out when I moved too fast
The truth: after getting a Stouffer's meatloaf out of the microwave and peeling off the plastic, I placed it, still in the container on another plate, because it was too hot to carry. When I was walking it over to the table I jerked my arm (can't remember why) and it slipped and poured the hot gravy all over the inside of my upper arm. It's so embarrassing. I've only told a few people what really happened.
Broke my wrist while untieing my shoes.
I did a weird jump to switch feet so I could untie the other shoe. Foot got caught, fell on my hand.
Usually I just say, "Yeah, Ive broken my wrist but that's it" and leave it at that.
In school I once bent down to tie my shoelaces and hit my forehead on a radiator. Started bleeding like a waterfall. Told my teacher I slipped on some moss and hit my head on a stone wall.
Defeating The Dark LordGiphy
My husband and I were having sex and he "missed" and rammed me right in my lady taint. It hurt so much I was convinced I was going to either throw up or sh*t myself, so I ran to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I woke up 3 minutes later in my husband's arms covered in blood. I had passed out on the toilet and fallen head first into the bathroom door hinge. I got 6 stitches in my forehead and now have a lighting shaped scar.
I told my family and friends I was having such bad stomach cramps that I passed out in the bathroom and hit my head (not unusual for me to pass out with pain.) They bought it. I did once tell a drunk man in a bar who asked that I got it defeating the Dark Lord. So worth it, maybe?
I was tap-dancing in the shower & I fell over. Broke my ankle in three or four places. Told everyone I was playing netball against big bro. I am such a failure.
Waving To A Friend
I once tripped while waving to one of my friends at church and scraped half of my face. I just didn't tell anyone what exactly had happened, because I felt so stupid afterwards because I wasn't paying attention at all.