People Share Their Most Embarrassing Injury Stories They've Had To Concoct Cover Stories For

Come closer... I'm going to tell you about my boyfriend's embarrassing injury - but shh, don't tell him I told you guys.
So - like ALL guys - dude can poop for forever. I don't understand male physiology. Why does it take 45 minutes to poop? I can only assume it's because we have kids and that's the only place we can get any peace and quiet.
Anyway, so one morning about a half hour into his traditional morning poop, he sends me a text that he's thrown his back out. Pooping. How that's even possible I may never know. It's not the X Games.
He waddled out of the bathroom grimacing in pain about ten minutes later. There was absolutely no way he could work, he could barely walk! Time for a convincing cover story; he told everyone he hurt himself moving furniture (we were just settling into a new place at the time, so it was totally believable.)
It took this man over a week to get over his poop injury.
Reddit user jcrewz asked:
Toast
I was once buttering toast with my face really close to it (I like my butter to be spread precisely) then I sneezed and slammed my head on the counter, effectively knocking myself out, and had to go to the ER to be treated for a concussion. I don't remember what I told them, but it definitely wasn't the truth.
Not Sure Which Is Worse
I was removing facial hair using a remover cream. I ended up leaving it on for too long which caused burns.
I told people I dropped hot noodles on my face.
"Knife Fight"
I have a 1.5" stab wound scar on my left bicep. When I was younger and attractive girls asked me how it happened, I would tell them it happened during a fight where someone pulled a knife on me.
Actually...I worked in a butcher shop of a market when I was in my late teens. Part of my job was to collect all the carving knives from the prep area, put into a large plastic bin, and carry them behind the deli case to the kitchen to wash. One time coming back out of the kitchen, I failed to notice that someone had opened the trap door to the basement, which was in my direct path.
The plastic bin of knives obscured my view.
I took one fateful step and tumbled into the basement, with the (very sharp) contents of the bin raining down around me.
Somehow I escaped with only a twisted ankle and the aforementioned stab wound in my arm for which I had to go to the ER for stitches. I'll always remember being dazed, sitting at the bottom of the stairs looking up and seeing a meat cleaver embedded in one of the steps.
- Thos19
Bowling Sucks
I once punched a bowling ball because I was frustrated. It turns out bowling balls are pretty hard. Broke my hand, it was swollen and bloody. Told my boss at work I slammed my hand in a door.
Its still broken, this was like 6 months ago.
- ecksit
Loving Yourself Too Hard
I dislocated my kneecap while masturbating. Lied and said I was falling off my bed when I woke up from a dream.
Bless You
Threw out my back sneezing, told people I was moving something heavy because that was less stupid than the truth.
- eDgAR
GOAL
Finally a story I can share!
I was playing football (soccer) with a bunch of friends (I was 12). Since we were all still schoolkids, one team was usually gonna steamroll the other. On this occasion, I happened to be the keeper on the winning team, so I had nothing to do and I was really bored.
I decided it was a good time to do some pull ups, and so I grabbed the crossbar of the goalpost, and pulled myself up. Once I was on top, I stuck out my legs for fun... And got them stuck in the net. I couldn't untangle my legs no matter how hard I tried.
I ended up falling to the ground, but I stuck out my hands to prevent myself from breaking my tailbone.
I eventually found out that I'd broken my left wrist, with one of the bones inside the wrist being pushed out of position and slightly fractured.
What I told my parents (and the doctor too) was that I was running after the ball, and tripped over something, thus causing me to fall face first and break my wrist.
- Yordama
Buzz Buzz
I broke my toe running from a bee.
I'm a huge weenie about stingy bugs, so when a bee got in my hair I freaked out. I ran toward the house, lost my balance, kicked the concrete step of mom's porch and fell backwards. Mom was sitting on the porch and I accidentally backhanded her before crashing to the ground. She was laughing so hard she couldn't help me up, and I was laughing so hard I couldn't get up.
I was super embarrassed for a while and just told everyone I tripped. I got over the shame because it was pretty funny, so I don't lie about it anymore.
Lord Sheldon And The Burrito
I was walking my dog, Lord Sheldon, in the park and I dropped my burrito on a rock in the creek, so I reached over to get it and I fell and dislocated my shoulder. I told all my coworkers that I was mugged in the park because they would never stop teasing me about it if I told the truth.
- BeAN_183
Comics Are Life
I was going to the bathroom and I was reading comic books. I was on the toilet for so long that my legs happened to fall asleep. As I was getting up I fell over with no use of my legs and broke my wrist. Told everyone I got in a fist fight.
Imitating The Cat
I said I broke my toe hitting it on the radiator, which wasn't a lie in itself. What I left out is I hit it on the radiator because I fell off my bed, which happened because I was trying to imitate my cat and see if I could lick my butt. I could not.
Tinnitus
I have bad tinnitus in my left ear. I tell people it's from firing rifles in the army without earplugs.
The real reason is I strained really really hard trying to poop when I was 13 and my ear popped. It's never been the same since.
- Blanb
Habaneros
The morning after the first time I spent the night with my now husband he made egg burritos for us for breakfast. We starting fooling around after eating and he hadn't washed his hands thoroughly enough to get the habanero (a kind of spicy pepper) off apparently.
After a couple days of still being in absolute misery in my vaginal area, I broke down and called my mom asking for the doctors number (I was 22). My mother offered to make the appointment for me and asked what was wrong. Instead of telling her I had slept with a stupid dude who injured my vagina in the worst way and I need to get a full STD screening while I'm at it, I told her I thought I had a yeast infection.
I had to wait two weeks for the appointment. I get to the check-in with the nurse and as soon as she says yeast infection I started crying, telling her what actually happened, why I lied, and she tells me not to worry, while trying to keep professional and not laughing. They did what they do and gave me a cream for my chemical burn and an antibiotic for a UTI.
I get home my mom sees my prescription cream, instantly freaks out and asks me what the hell happened. I come clean, she laughs hysterically. The moment my dad walks in the door she tells him, they both laugh hysterically. Nearly 10 years later, any chance they get they bring it up and laugh hysterically. Should have just stuck with the lie.
Sitting For Dinner
I once semi-dislocated my kneecap (in such a way that my leg locked up and I was in incredible pain) by sitting down to eat at the dinner table and twisting my leg somehow.
I hurt myself sitting down.
Instead I told my friends I had fallen down a steep hill on the local heathland, but my brother told them the truth and I was promptly mocked.
- TheBrokenSnake
R.I.P. Jicepy
I was around 15, messing around with a bunch of friends, and we found a stuffed toy monkey in the bushes. We decided to call it Jicepy and took some dumb pics with it. Then my friend decided to toss him into the trees.
Me, having grown attached to the plushie we had walked around town with for three hours, dunking in puddles and taking pictures of posed with beer bottles and half smoked cigarettes, decided to dive after this thing in an attempt to rescue him. The only thing I came back with was a torn open knee and a nasty scar....RIP Jicepy :(
I just tell people I got the scar from falling over in a pool lmao (I worked briefly cleaning out the drained pools for rescue seals, they were slippery) No one can learn I actually got it diving into the bushes shrieking to retrieve a small dirt covered plushie monkey.
Snuggles Gone Wrong
I once got a black eye from smothering my dog with love and hugs. I had my arms around her and my face pressed up against hers and when she heard the sounds of the neighborhood dogs, she jolted her head down and back up to break free of my embrace. Basically a blunt snout to my eye caused an almost immediate black eye to appear.
A very odd and difficult story to explain in passing at school, "Uhh, haha yeah... my dog gave me a black eye", so I lied and said I got in a fist fight.
Exacto
I had an exacto in my hand, but I was trying to move some plastic that I didnt want to cut/scratch, so I put the exacto in my back pocket. This is something I NEVER do. After moving the plastic, I see an exacto on the table I was working at, so I didn't think much of it and several minutes later I went to use the restroom. As I went to pull up my pants, I felt something slice my thigh open. The exacto was still in my pocket...and it took a fair chunk out of my thigh. Ended up needing 5 stitches...I didn't lie about it, but it's definitely the dumbest way I've hurt myself.
Military Hopscotch
The back of my left hand has a huge gash across it and two of my fingers don't have full range of motion anymore. I tell people its a scar from the military that I don't want to talk about.
Really, I was playing hopscotch in my Moms living room with my nieces. I back handed a light bulb. Passed out from blood loss, and woke up on the way to the ER.
Spinny Chair
Um, I broke my left shoulder last September, cause I got a chair that spins for the first time in my life. Wanted to play with it a bit so I tried to get on with my knees. Somehow, the leg that got on pushed the chair away and started creating a split, with my one leg pushing the chair away and the other being stationary on the ground. I fell and broke my left shoulder.
My story now is that I tripped and fell down the stairs. It sounds less embarrassing.
When Hoarders Recycle
I think this was 3.5 or 4.5 years ago. Mom and I were cleaning house on New Year's Day because her brother and his wife were going to come over. Mom, for the first time in more than ten years, cleaned out her desk (both of my parents are compulsive hoarders, my dad is also a compulsive shopper/spender, so this was an exciting development).
We were about done cleaning, so we gathered up the trash and headed down to the dumpster and were going to get right in the car to go buy some dinner. Mom is very much out of shape, so I trekked across the parking lot to the dumpsters while she cleaned the snow off the car.
I managed to get rid of the trash without trouble, but the recycling bins were blocked by some discarded appliances: a dishwasher, two mini-fridges, and a fridge/freezer combo. I was determined not to bring the paper back upstairs or to contribute further to the American waste problems. They'd clearly been there for a few days as they were completely covered in snow and ice. I eyed up the situation and decided that injury was likely.
Obviously I ignored my assessment. As a short person, I determined I would have to mount one of the mini-fridges and would not be able to just step OVER it (later discovered that my legs WERE just long enough to have done so). I set a foot atop the mini-fridge immediately next to the fridge-freezer and held the handle on the freezer door for stability's sake. As soon as I placed my weight on the mini-fridge, the snow and ice sitting on it slid right off and I fell backwards.
In my descent, the back of my head hit the round steel pipe that formed the top horizontal edge of the dumpster and I slid down the side of the dumpster. I thought for about five seconds that I'd gotten away with no injury as I have very thick, curly hair which was down and my hood was up. It turned out that I'd struck the dumpster hard enough to split my scalp (kind of like a crack in the flesh of a dropped watermelon) which being cut by a sharp edge of any kind.
Being a head wound, the two-inch scalp lac turned by hair almost completely red in about five minutes. We were planning to get dinner out by one of the nearest hospitals, so I waited until we got that far to decide if i wanted to go to urgent care or not. The bleeding had slowed by then, so I decided not to bother.
I had a headache for at least a week, was nauseated, had trouble sleeping, and obviously had a concussion (not my first). I wasn't able to take any meds for the first 36 hours because I only had ibuprofen at home and you should only take acetaminophen with a head injury.
Moral of the story, if you assess a situation and deem injury to be a likely outcome you will most likely be injured and it will suck.
- emmejm
Meatloaf Gravy
I have a gnarly 3rd degree burn scar on the inside of my upper arm.
What I've told people: accident with boiling water in the kitchen, I was moving a pot and the water splashed out when I moved too fast
The truth: after getting a Stouffer's meatloaf out of the microwave and peeling off the plastic, I placed it, still in the container on another plate, because it was too hot to carry. When I was walking it over to the table I jerked my arm (can't remember why) and it slipped and poured the hot gravy all over the inside of my upper arm. It's so embarrassing. I've only told a few people what really happened.
Untieing Shoes
Broke my wrist while untieing my shoes.
I did a weird jump to switch feet so I could untie the other shoe. Foot got caught, fell on my hand.
Usually I just say, "Yeah, Ive broken my wrist but that's it" and leave it at that.
Tieing Shoes
In school I once bent down to tie my shoelaces and hit my forehead on a radiator. Started bleeding like a waterfall. Told my teacher I slipped on some moss and hit my head on a stone wall.
- Tylerich
Defeating The Dark Lord
My husband and I were having sex and he "missed" and rammed me right in my lady taint. It hurt so much I was convinced I was going to either throw up or sh*t myself, so I ran to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I woke up 3 minutes later in my husband's arms covered in blood. I had passed out on the toilet and fallen head first into the bathroom door hinge. I got 6 stitches in my forehead and now have a lighting shaped scar.
I told my family and friends I was having such bad stomach cramps that I passed out in the bathroom and hit my head (not unusual for me to pass out with pain.) They bought it. I did once tell a drunk man in a bar who asked that I got it defeating the Dark Lord. So worth it, maybe?
Tap Dancing
I was tap-dancing in the shower & I fell over. Broke my ankle in three or four places. Told everyone I was playing netball against big bro. I am such a failure.
Waving To A Friend
I once tripped while waving to one of my friends at church and scraped half of my face. I just didn't tell anyone what exactly had happened, because I felt so stupid afterwards because I wasn't paying attention at all.
Have you ever heard of a certain job that people call a career and thought... "PEOPLE PAY YOU FOR THAT?!?!"
All hard, honest work is good work.
And then there is just trash work.
And I don't mean garbage collection, that is honest work.
I don't know how some people live with themselves.
Redditor MrTuxedo1 wanted to discuss the careers they don't believe people should chase. They asked:
"What job do you have no respect for?"
Ticket scalpers. How do you the audacity to say that's a job?
Actual burglars have more empathy.
Disrespectful
"There are debt collectors who call relatives of the deceased to pay off their debts when they are not legally obligated to."
Top_Gun_2021
Shady. Shady.
"Australian Real Estate Agents. Laws don't seem to apply to them. Just as dodgy in sales and rentals alike. Never seen anything like it overseas."
snave_
"I'm in the US, it can vary state by state but my state is pretty strict on realtor laws. Some states require attorney review and there are definitely penalties for being reported for shady sh*t. It does require consumer reporting though."
ilostmytaco
Etransfer
"Where I live, tax info was leaked and now scammers are targeting low income individuals/families (people earning under 30,000 per year) with etransfer scams. I got one the other day that was an etransfer warning that 240$ 'a family member sent me' was about to expire."
SnowyInuk
"That’s disgusting. The scammers know what they’re doing, they know the harm they cause people and yet they don’t care."
surelysandwitch
Should be illegal...
"MLM managers. Not the low level idiots that get suckered into it, they suck too for trying to bring new people into that sh*tshow, but the people who create them know exactly what they are doing and are pretty much the only ones who profit off of it. Should be illegal. Pyramid schemes are illegal. None of them ever get the just desserts except occasionally by vigilantes I assume."
Wereno
I hate debt collectors. Yeah, you calling me one hundred times a week is going to miraculously make money appear.
Animals
"Paparazzi."
VictorBlimpmuscle
"I met Jack Gleeson (King Joffrey from Game of Thrones) at a bus stop in Dublin. Really nice guy but he said he quit acting due to people being nasty online and constant hounding from paparrazi. He's happier now but it sucks that he was pushed away from a career he was quite good at."
goobi94
Scumbags
"The pastors at mega churches whom ask their followers for money for private jets. Absolute scum to abuse others faith for your own greed."
ichancho
"Brian Tamaki is a greedy freaking pig, he takes advantage of so many people who are already struggling. Every time he’s in the local news (which btw is often) I get more and more pissed off at him and his wife. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Tamaki "
surelysandwitch
it’s a thing???
“'Dating Expert.' Sadly it’s a thing. It’s basically a self appointed title that requires no training or qualifications. What’s worse, is that I have a female friend who uses one. It’s very much a blind leading the blind situation."
Mean_Manufacturer_61
"Most of the self proclaimed “dating coaches” I know are women in their late 30s or early 40s who have never been married or had a longer relationship."
ipozgaj
EVIL
"Poachers. Especially big game poachers who purposefully hunt nearly extinct animals from species they know they are on the brink."
"I know there are poachers that come from rural villages who are trying to just put food on the table, which has my sympathy but poachers who come from money and hunt down animals minding their business in most shelters or restricted areas just to put a head on their wall as a trophy are absolutely heinous."
GetterdoneObiwan
I See It All
"Psychic Mediums. Specifically those who prey on the grieving."
JamesDeadite
"I've always found it interesting how many magicians go after people like this. I think it's because they know what it takes to trick people for the art. The slight of hand and mentalism. And they abhor people who use these tactics for such sh*tty purposes."
34HoldOn
I want so bad to believe in psychics and mediums. What say we on that topic?
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The nose is constantly being attacked by odors of the world.
Going through one day without having to hold my breath during a certain point, is a miracle.
Of course, I'm a New Yorker, so I maybe exaggerating for people in the countryside.
What's funnier is odors that are pleasant, that shouldn't be.
Have you ever looked and something and thought... "yuck."
But then you smelled it and it was like... "oh lovely,"
Redditor HappQueue wanted to know what aromas are arousing to the senses that may come as a surprise to many. They asked:
"What smells good but shouldn't?"
For some odd reason I love the things burning. Anything, food, pots, pans. You name it. Weird.
Blow
"Matches/candles on a birthday cake. I remember lighting matches as a kid purely to blow them out and inhale that sweet match-y smell."
semispooked
"guilty good"
"I work at a Chemical plant. We make a highly acidic product that is dark blue, viscus, highly corrosive, and smells exactly like Fruit Loops. It is incredibly disturbing."
Turin082
"Organic chemistry has many 'guilty good' smells. Thiophosgene (sulfur derivative of a chemical weapon used extensively in WW1) apparently smells like meat. Phosgene is used to make polycarbonate, thiophosgene is used to make some sulfur-containing molecules which eventually end up in therapeutic drugs."
HammerTh_1701
I can't huff it...
"Paint, specifically house paint. I love the smell. But anytime I hear that anyone is painting a room or their house, I volunteer. I just love sitting on the floor in a room that's been freshly painted, closing my eyes and just inhaling that slightly chemically, slightly creamy aroma."
Neowza
A Hint of French...
"A fish and chips shop burnt down as couple blocks from work a few years ago. The whole neighborhood smelled amazing for days. Just the slight hint of French fries. Nothing overpowering. It was so awesome. Until I found out someone was trapped in the fire and died."
stevey_frac
Drag
"Race fuel. Instantly puts me in a good mood as it reminds me of going to the drag races with my dad when I was young."
garfnodie
Fuel and matches get me too. And they sort of go together. Interesting.
Just like the Movie...
"The water from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Mmm, bromine."
Stalkerslovemy
"This is one of my favorite scents of all time, and Disney is very aware that people enjoy it. Evidently it’s a lot harder to recreate than just adding bromine to water."
cash4panties
"black widow".
"There's a chicken wing restaurant near my house that has a challenge sauce called "black widow." The owner claims it to be around 500,000 scovilles. A few years back some buddies and I decided to try them, the sauce was a dark molasses color and smelled almost like a BBQ sauce, no hint of the danger that lurked at all. We each grabbed one wing and it went terribly. I don't know how something so spicy could smell so innocent."
Final-Chapter
Endless Weekend
"Hotel/rented rooms whenever you go on vacation. There's this particular smell that just says 'you are on vacation,' especially on a beach/swimming trips/out-of-the-town vacays."
Yummy_Llama
"Bath and Body Works has a plug-in scent called Endless Weekend that replicates that scent (to my humble nose)."
Exxcentrica
"oh no..."
"Someone you are attracted to's body odors. Anyone else who is slightly unhygienic smells repulsive."
Mini_gunslinger
"I remember back in high school a girl leaned over, sniffed me, told me that I smelled really good, and asked me what cologne I was wearing. I asked if she was joking, and she's like, no, you smell really good. When I told her I had just gotten done with gym class, she gets a small 'oh no...' look on her face and turns away. I think we both had a revelation that day."
user deleted
That Smell
"The smell inflatable things give off. I have no idea how to describe it, but it’s… nostalgic? to me."
crestfxllen
I do love the smell of plastics and inflatables. Ahh....
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At one point in time, we've misplaced things that we've considered priceless possessions.
It's hard to imagine how to go on without the lost object–whatever it may be–but over time, it becomes a distant memory and we move on.
That is until we magically find ourselves presented with this opportunity proposed by Redditor mikehotel288, who asked:
"You find yourself in a room with everything you’ve ever lost in your life. What do you look for first?"
There are necessities people cannot do without.
No More Dry Lips Ever Again
"Gonna be a lot of chapstick in that room."
– camefromxbox
There are things that bring us comfort and are irreplaceable.
Safety Blanket
"My baby blanket. It became tattered over the years—to the point where I couldn’t reasonably wash it anymore—so I had to throw it away a little while back."
"I have heavily regretted that decision. I was really attached to it (hence it being in tatters), but I really wish that I kept what was left of it instead of throwing it away. Just knowing that I’d still have it would be a huge comfort to me."
– Uearie
Sentimental Heirloom
"The pendant my dad had made for me with my grandmother’s engagement diamond. It was 2 carats. It disappeared from a Las Vegas hotel room 20 years ago. It was hidden deep in a suitcase where it would not have been easy to find. It was just GONE. Cops didn’t do anything. Didn’t even come to take my statement. Cleaning lady said she thought she saw an elderly man enter my room. The guy I was with was not sympathetic in the least. Entire situation was f**ked. I’m still so upset about it."
– MaritimeDisaster
Lone Shark
"My plastic shark toy I lost when I was 10. Ain't no f'king way it just VANISHED."
– Guilty_As_Charged__
Not everything lost is tangible.
Tick Tock
"The time I wasted."
– shinyfennec
It Holds Value
"My private key with 6 BTC in it."
– Significant_Mirror19
"I didn't lose one, but I'll check my room for yours just in case."
– Smodphan
Finding Purpose
"The reason I walked into the room."
– Lloyd_lyle
Lost Opportunity
"That one girl i spoke to on omegle lol"
– h-amishh
If only we get to reunite with those we've lost.
The Loved Family Member
"My grandpa."
– Splatty_boi_420
Grieving Parent
"My daughter. She’ll be in my brother’s arms. So I’ll find both things I care to look for."
– SeeTheFence
Missing Mom
"My mom. She died of cancer in 2017. She never got to meet my daughter. I miss the hell out of her and wish she was still part of my family’s life."
– X-Arkturis-X
The Animals That Come Into Our Lives
"My pets that have passed: especially my horse, Blue. It's been 4 years, but it feels like just yesterday."
– Baciandrio
While many of these scenarios are unlikely, the thread gave people an opportunity to reflect on the things that made a strong impression on their lives.
Sometimes, the memories of the things we've lost–whether they are random objects or sources of love–is all we have.
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What's worse than returning home from a night out or a workday and discovering your home was broken into? Being home when the break-in happens.
Home invasions are a common trope portrayed in horror films like The Strangers and Funny Games, and they're absolutely terrifying because they are based on real-life incidents.
Redditor silentagent47 asked strangers to consider this horrifying hypothetical.
"You have 5 minutes to prepare before a guy breaks into your house with the intention to kill you. You can not exit your house. What is your strategy to survive?"
The hunter becomes the hunted, inspired by TV and movies.
Duplicating A Scene
"There was an episode of Burn Notice where Michael puts aerosol cans in the microwave with kitchen utensils and hits popcorn button. I really want to know if this works or not."
– JohnSterlingSanchez
Epic Burglar Trap
"Speed-watch Home Alone."
– pluribusduim
It's about the choice of weapon.
Jump Scare
"I get the vacuum cleaner ready in a certain room, I turn it on as hes about to enter to create a distraction, then I jump out when he's inspecting the noise and bonk the f'ker on the head with the piece of 2 inch steel tube I keep as a weapon."
– BustedBastard
Beware of Dog
"Unleash the Hounds"
– myassonreddit
Make A Weapon
"Duct tape a bunch of knives to the end of one of those tall lamps to make a spear of blinding and then proceed to go sicko mode."
– DubTheeBustocles
Preparing For A Thwack
"Turn shower on, for some reason I have a shovel behind my wardrobe?? So grab that. Wait for him to check shower, whack with shovel. Boom."
– hypersp00p
It's Just A Game
"Corner camp with a shotgun."
– Arrow3619
A Warm Welcome
"Hairspray and a lighter to his face."
– WorkingClassSheep
The effectiveness of these tactics are questionable, but points for creativity are warranted.
Stand Still
"Put a lamp shade on my head and stand in the corner of the room."
– Cannabis_Sir
Make It Erotic
"I turn on all the lights, take off all my clothes, rub butter all over myself, and start a fake conversation on the phone. As soon as he breaks in I say into the phone: 'I’ve gotta go, my next appointment is finally here…”
– FrankieTheAlchemist
Forget The Stairs
"Go to the LIVING ROOM."
– on-oath-never-again
Removing The Element Of Fun
"Draw an X on my forehead and grab a beer."
– Candycoatedmuffin3
And that's why I would opt for living in a commune or apartment complex.
People who own houses are just asking for forced entry.
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