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People Describe The Dumbest Way They've Ever Injured Themselves

When my brother was about 10, he almost killed himself trying to act out a fight sequence from the Mortal Kombat movie. I laughed (which I got grounded for) - but in my defense he totally yelled "GET OVER HERE!" before he fell.

So we were leaving the movie theater and my brother is about as hyped as you'd expect a sugar-high child who just saw a cartoonishly violent martial arts film to be. He spots a railing and decides he is going to try to reenact the Johnny Cage/Scorpion fight scene - but he's gonna be all the characters because I'm a lame sister who doesn't want to play. (see also: get punched repeatedly)

He climbs the railing, makes it to the top and shouts out Scorpion's tag line, "Get over here!" Which ensures a whole parking lot full of recent movie-goers turns to face him.

It's important to note that my brother had been training in martial arts for several years at that point and his form was impeccable. So he pulled back his arm and threw a proper punch, pivoting on the ball of his foot and rotating at the hips to throw his body weight into it.

Like so:

get over here mortal kombat GIFGiphy

Except he was standing on top of wet railing - round wet railing. The hip twist flung his feet out from under him with enough force to flip him into the air like a pancake and send him slamming to the ground.

I swear y'all I saw him falling in slow-mo like with dramatic classical music and everything; the crowd slowly gasping, reaching out in vain, trying to warn him to just not be so dangerously awesome.

But it was too late. His rat-tail flapped in the wind as he plummeted.

One Reddit user asked:

What's the dumbest way you injured yourself? Either as a kid or adult?

And so now you have a whole article full of ... this stuff. Enjoy the laughs. You probably won't get grounded, but if you do it'll be totally worth it. Take it from me.

Bugs Are Yucky

My dumbest was when I was trimming trees. I saw a nasty looking bug on my left arm and tried to swat it off with my right hand while still holding the saw... there was a lot of blood.

- ehberg

Burger Buns


Okay this happened when I was 17. Me and my boyfriend were hanging out at the time and it was really late and I was searching for something to eat. I found a bun and needed to cut it open. I looked around and could only find the biggest knife in the kitchen.

So I decided to hold the bread with one hand and use the knife with the other kinda holding both in the air ( why idk why) and sliced right through the bun straight into my hand. I was in so much shock I could only call for my boyfriend just holding my now gushing bleeding hand. He came in freaking out and I had to stay calm even though I just sliced straight through my hand.

My parents were wasted and my dad tried to tie a fluffy sock around my hand. When he did that I tried screaming but nothing came out it was terrible. In the end I somehow got to the doctors and I got a burger after so hey I'm an idiot.

- alexhenderson38

Checking Form

I was trying to film myself bench pressing to check my form, but from a bird's eye view. So I put my iPhone hanging off the edge of a bar directly above where I was laying and started recording.

Forgot to take into consideration, that when I re-rack the bar, it's going to shake the home gym setup I have. Well it did, and the phone came down directly onto the bridge of my nose. It was the corner of the phone that hit me and opened up a small gash but it was deep, and bled A LOT.

The video was me benching, the phone crashing into my face and then onto the ground, then a very audible "AH FCK!".. I deleted it out of embarrassment right after and I really wish I kept it.

I still have a small scar there years later, derp.

- trianglechoke89

Leather Cleaner

Back in High School, I used to bear crawl around the track for a workout. This lead to a seriously gnarly blister that covered my entire palm.

I went to a friend's place and we were trying to play Xbox, but I couldn't grip the controller. So I ripped the blister completely off, leaving a completely raw palm, and washed all the liquid away. I asked him he if had any antibiotics spray to clean it.

We checked, and the closest thing he had was leather cleaner that said "kills 99.99% of germs!"

So I'm like, yeah that seems legit. Sprayed it on my hand, and all's I remember is hearing the hiss it made on my skin before I blacked out and hit my head off the table. Didn't have a concussion or anything, but had a headache for a few hours.

- PewPewLazrs101

Safety Phrases

I worked as a loader for UPS in the late 1990, the semi trucks, not the brown trucks. We had little "Safety Phrases" we were supposed to follow, courtesy of OSHA. One was, "do not lift packages by straps or bands."

Who follows the safety phrases?

I lifted a heavy package by the plastic straps. Both straps simultaneously snapped. I punched myself in the nose with all my strength. My nose exploded with blood. Of course, my load partner nearly injured himself laughing his @ss off.

- fendaar

Scarred By Chef

Ravioli can. It was the pull tab type but it wouldn't come off easily and I gripped it near the top to hold it down. Finally the lid released but it did so quickly and ended up slicing my left index finger/knuckle open. What had happened is the metal lid had extra ridges in the front, so it wasn't properly cut at the factory, and those little teeth tore into my hand.

I have about an inch long scar over my knuckle, it's faded over the years but Chef Boyardee has branded me for life.

- HappyLittleGroot

Coffee In The Morning


Came out to make coffee in the morning. Thought I could feel heat coming from the stove. Touched the hotplate with the back of my hand to see what was going on. Second degree burn. Yep! Left it on the night before.

- the_snook

9 year-old EMT's

I got a cut on my leg from furniture and my 9 year old friend decided the best way was to hot-glue it shut. 9 year olds should never do first aid.

- Nerfherder_328

Shower Shenanigans

Was taking a shower at a hotel. Tried to squeeze conditioner out of the little travel bottles they give you. But it wasn't a squeeze bottle, it was one of the ones you just have to bang against your hand until the conditioner comes out. Lo and behold, I try to squeeze the bottle with soapy hands. It shoots out and hits me in the eye. Literally knocked myself out. My eye swelled shut. Good times.

- stormyllewellyn

Not A Heart Attack

I over work myself. I ripped the cartilage lining in my chest from moving to many heavy drums. I moved around 300x50lbs drums. Pulling them off pallets and restacking them. Next day my chest was sore. Didn't think about it. Went and moved a bunch of 125lb drums. Again next day chest really hurt. Next day filled a 20 yard dumpster with pallets. Next day massive sharp pains in my chest.

Thought I was having heart problems. Went to the doctor. Heart checked out fine. I try doing certain movement. Agonizing pain. Tells me it'll take 3-6 months to heal.

Me being stupid, I kept working plus doing things in the weekend. Took over 2 years to heal.

- Varvatos_vex


Kneeled on a broken biscuit that was hidden in the carpet, 3 stitches in the knee. It had probably been sitting on the floor for a month. That sht is sharper than it looks when they're broken up.

- ducttape49

Immediate Failure


When I was 12 my dad got me a brand new katana. It was just steel and cost maybe a hundred bucks. My dad said to only take it out when he's supervising. He handed it to me and my dumb ass head decided to press my thumb on the blade and slide it across. The scream was ear rape.

- feeddahippo

Buzz Lightyear

When I was like 3 or 4, my dad was mopping the floor in the living room, and I was sitting on the couch and mt dad told me not to walk on the floor because it was wet. At the time of this, I had a buzz lightyear doll that had those attachable wings, and I had left it on the ground.

I went to pick it up off the floor, and surprisingly it wasn't too slippery, so I attached the wings to buzz, then the stupid 3 year old in me kicked in and I started running around the living room with buzz in my hand (like he was flying). That's when I slipped in an almost cartoon like fashion onto my leg. I thought I was ok, because at the time I didn't feel any pain, so everything was fine.

Well, a couple days later whilst at my baby sitter's, she reported to my parents that I was limping. Long story short, they took me to the hospital for an x-ray, and it turns out I had a hairline fracture in my right leg. They put a cast on me and sent us off.

- Nervous_Ferret

A Painful Lesson Not Learned

At the age of ten I was in a playground and wanted to go down the slide. To get faster I put sand under my butt. I got so fast that I flew out of the slide, landed on the concrete floor and broke my coccyx.

The worst thing was that I tried it again a year later and broke my coccyx for the second time.

- Archadriel

Chasing Deer

15 years old, decided that it was a good idea to bike as fast as I could after a deer. Long story short I rode the edge of the sidewalk, and caught my tires, flopping myself face first into the sidewalk.

Stood up and said "I'm fine" but my friends were all looking at me weird. Turns out I absolutely tore my chin in half and bled all over the sidewalk. Got 16 stitches in my chin, still a nice scar that gives me a good laugh whenever I look at it.

- Bruh33347


Had a nightmare in which i was being chased by a dog. So just before it bit me I threw a punch which woke me up ... because I had hit the wall next to my bed so hard i cut my knuckles' skin open with the rough texture of the wall's plaster.

I bled quite a lot and almost broke my fingers.

- krassilverfang

Do you have something to confess to George? Text "Secrets" or ":zipper_mouth_face:" to +1 (310) 299-9390 to talk to him about it.

The Weirdest Animal Facts People Know

Reddit user FunChemical3182 asked: 'What is the weirdest animal fact you know?'

Michael Jerrard on Unsplash

People accumulate facts throughout life on a wide variety of subjects.

Some are mundane while others are weird, wild or wonderful.

One subject a lot of people focus on is animals. Most people have a favorite animal that fascinates them that they want to know all about.

Keep reading...Show less

Content Warning: Mental Health, Suicide, Domestic Violence

We all know that we technically can't make anyone else do anything, and we certainly can't "fix" other people. Other people will only change or do something if they choose to; the only person we can really control is ourselves.

But some people really love to try, often to hilarious and terrible results.

Already cringing, Redditor Dapper_Algae6280 asked:

"People who entered a relationship thinking 'I can fix them,' how did that go?"

Time for an Upgrade

"There is a weird thing that happens when you 'fix' someone. They tend to think if you liked them broken, then they deserve better than you now that they are better than they were."

- TheRealLifePotato

"As horrible as it sounds, to have a happy, emotionally healthy relationship you need two happy, emotionally healthy people. If you want to be in that sort of relationship, you need to fix yourself first."

- inactiveuser247

"This right here. After three sh*tty relationships in a row, I realized this is a me problem. I took a few years off from dating to reflect and really learn to see red flags and understand myself so I wouldn't make that mistake again."

- MikoSkyns

No More Spark

"My now ex had PTSD, depression, and a variety of other issues she claimed. After two and a half years of dating (being my first and only relationship), she became more social, less suicidal, and overall happier as a person."

"She decided to cheat on me with someone else due to 'lack of communication' and us 'no longer having a spark". The irony."

"For context, we were 17 at the time, in high school, and I worked full-time hours with initiatives to hang out, which were refused. Red flags everywhere."

- elteragxo

"Your situation is eerily similar to mine, what the f**k?"

"I met a girl with mental and emotional issues and decided to fix them through a healthy relationship. She recovered and found someone else because 'the spark was gone.'"

- Aimlessdrifter8778

Misery Loves Company

"Now we are both broken."

- Brave-Butterscotch76

"The same thing happened to my sister-in-law. She married a very negative and miserable guy while saying 'he will get better' or 'we’re working on it,' and now she’s a very negative and miserable person."

- Moreofyoulessofme

Getting to Watch a Partner Grow

"At first we were only f**king. I don't know if I ever thought I could fix her, but I did fall in love with this beautiful lady with severe anxiety, depression, and trust issues after being in a domestically violent relationship."

"We were f**k buddies for about six months and I got a glimpse of her issues but I still went ahead and asked her to be my girlfriend The heart wants what it wants."

"We dated for a year and a half (two years since meeting), and I actually got to see her at her worst a few times, but I was finally able to get her therapy with a great psychiatrist and treatment, this is when I asked her to move in with me. We've been living together for six years."

"Four years ago, she had the worst breakdown I've seen. She went full-on paranoid, wall-scratching nervous, she was even doubting me and my motives to be there. It was a very difficult week, and she left the house and went to her mom's house in the middle of the night."

"Eventually, her therapist was able to get a hold of her and get her back to her senses. Her doctor then suggested that I also should go to a counselor or at the very least we should do couples therapy so we had strong bases for our relationship and we did."

"I now look back and won't change her for anything in the world, she has grown so much, and she glows right now. I now see her smile and it's glorious. She's achieved a great position too and it's amazing just to see how much happier she looks."

- Spiritual-Narwhal666

Not a Match

"I fixed what I wanted to fix, but that still didn't make us right for each other. In the end, I think she's in a much happier place than she could have been, so I think it was worth the time invested."

"We were wrong for each other, but at least we both came out better positioned to receive the happiness that would come to us later."

- MrWeb20

In Their Nature

"A couple of months into the relationship, I fixed him."

"After some irritation, he stopped peeing on the carpet. Now, my cat still brings mice, but I guess, that's just his nature."

- mobileJay77

The Importance of Boundaries

"I don't know if I would say that I 'fixed' her (and I wasn’t trying to), but I definitely taught my last ex the importance of being able to set boundaries and to stop going out of her way to please people who consistently hurt her."

"Eventually this would lead to us breaking up, but I have no regrets. I have issues of my own that were wearing her down and she did what she had to. Same rules apply. We’re both better off because of it."

- TylerTexas10

Happily Ever After

"She fixed herself and I fixed myself with each other's support, and we are living happily ever after, it seems, with ongoing work on ourselves and our relationship."

- DonPronote

An Uncommon Ending

"I didn’t fix them. But I tried my hardest to be patient and supportive while they fixed themself. Sometimes I was better at support than other times. Sometimes they were better at fixing than other times."

"It ended up being worth the patience. Things have been great with us for years now. I know this isn’t the normal outcome though, and I feel incredibly lucky."

- I_Invented_Frysauce

A Little Help from Our Friends

"Usually I'm the one people try to fix.. I think the repeated attempts definitely helped me. Now my current partner gets to enjoy the previous hard work."

"...I think I just got tired of hurting the people who love me and fixed myself, though."

- addrien

All Their Idea

"You can't fix anyone. You can only fix yourself, but if you really want to try and fix someone, you have to make it seem like it's their idea."

- BuhrZap

A Helping Hand

"I don't think you can fix anyone. You can only help them fix themselves, which is very different."

"If someone is actively trying to fix themselves, and you can actually be the person to support them through it, then it can work, but it could also not work."

"I do think there should be a distinction between the two. I mean, trying to fix someone is a bad idea, but if you like someone and are willing to support them in their journey to fix themselves, it's probably not the worst idea in the world."

- brooksie1131

Lesson Learned

"It went so well that they managed to cure me of the desire to 'fix' anybody."

"I’ll toss you a life preserver if you’re trying to save yourself. But I’m not jumping in the water with anyone so they can drown me on their way out."

"People who need to hit rock bottom in order to better themselves will use you to soften their landing if you let them."

- GlobalPermit5428

Best Friends Forever

"It went well but it didn’t work out."

"So we kind of fixed each other we were both at very weird points in our lives and we only dated for about one and a half years. We didn’t need a romantic partner but we did need a friend in each other."

"We’re both in better places now and the best of friends. We both want each other to be part of our lives just not as lovers."

"All and all, I say we got the best outcomes in our lives."


So Worth the Investment

"He was an Uber driver with only a high school diploma."

"I married him anyways and bankrolled his education because he was fun as f**k to be around, was the smartest person I’ve ever met, and loves me like I’m the only woman on Earth."

"Now, he’s a computer engineer and we are landlords together and have bought investment properties. We are very happy together."

"Partners work together to create success. I think selfish people ask, 'what’s in it for me?' Marriage is about selflessness."

"I’m glad I sacrificed for his education. His mind would be wasted otherwise and he’s a genius."

- BabyElephantWalks

In most of these cases, the situation went poorly after a Redditor tried to change someone, and for good reason. If that person isn't ready or doesn't want to be fixed, it's only going to damage the relationship.

There's also something to be said about unconditional love. If you don't want to date the person exactly as who they are right now, why are you even trying to date them?

If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.

To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at

Guy at the gym
Anastase Maragos/Unsplash

Tough guys put on a facade that indicates to others that they always know what's going on.

But their confidence doesn't always match their intellect, which is probably why they cover their insecurities by walking around and trying to show everyone who's really the boss.

If that's the case, they should keep their mouths shut because not everything that comes out of their mouth needs to be heard.

Yet, it can be amusing to everyone else.

Curious to hear examples of these, Redditor PrototypeShadowBlitz asked:

"Reddit, what is the stupidest thing you've heard from the 'alpha male' community?"

You might find these guys at a bar.

The Dude Must Be Hungry

"Had a run in once with a group of young lads about something in a bar and one of them said we are top of the food chain bro and you will be the prey."

– insertitherenow

"'Whatever, mall ninja" -proper response."

– TheEighthLord

If The Shoe Fits

"That they were an alpha male."

– I_Have_A_Name37654

"The use of 'Alpha Male,' unironically is every indication that you're dealing with a child's understanding of manhood."

– 88Dubs

Brat Pack

"Me and my bros are all alpha males."

– SonOfDadOfSam

"I was skiing one time and rode the lift with a guy that said, 'I don't feel no pain. I live with 5 roommates and none of us feel any pain.' Okay, bud. That's a really interesting coincidence."

– NicPizzaLatte

They sure thrive on making sexist comments.

Contagious Femininity

"A coworker said, 'I don't spend too much time with my girlfriend because I'll become too feminine.'"

– Lazy_Natural6154


– aliebabadegrote

Sexist Categorization

"I have been called a beta for saying that my wife makes more money than I do. She works in a more lucrative field and is more educated than I am, so it makes perfect sense that she makes more than I do."

"So I came back, and this post has really blown up. There's just a few things I want to clarify."

"1- I have only ever been called a beta online."

"2- I work full-time in project management. I have a master's degree. I have a 6 figure salary."

"3- My wife has a PhD and works in finance. She also has a 6 figure salary, it's just a higher salary than my own."

"4- I'm sorry to anyone who might feel as though my original post misled them."

– ExaminationDouble240

It's Teamwork

"A real man would be proud of his wife for achieving success, and not fall for that sort of insecure bullsh*t."

"It's not a contest, that's the real joke here. Good on you for seeing the big picture."

– Mrbeardoesthethings

Do these roles about parenting sound familiar?

Childish Things Are Too Girly

"Real men don't take their kids trick or treating is one that I heard recently."

– constructionguy89

"Related. Guys who brag about not changing diapers, not playing 'girly' games, etc. Essentially guys who brag that their only contribution to fatherhood is money and masculine things like fishing or football. Even then some of them brag about not paying a lot of child support to prove they didn't let the system take advantage of them."

"I can't imagine a life so empty my only accomplishment worth bragging about was being a terrible parent."

– Green7000

This Woman's Work

"I was told that taking care of my kids is woman's work. Apparently it's concerning that I try to spend so much of my free time with them. Oddly enough the meatheads at my grappling club think it's sweet I occasionally have my daughters' hair clips on and nails painted."

– MrFunktasticc

People discussed rules in the bedroom.

Never Submissive

"That a man is turned off when their wife/girlfriend seduces them, because if she wants sex and shows it she is a sl*t, also making the man the submissive one…"

– kamalaophelia

Stifling Emotions

"Not the whole community, but was cuddling with a guy once and could tell he was trying not to get emotional over something that was bothering him. He said, quite literally, 'it's not alpha male behaviour.' I told him that I liked that he showed emotions sometimes, and he looked disgusted by the fact that I pointed it out."

– LambLifts

In high school, a classmate who was on the football team said I was a "sissy" for listening to classical music.

The other classmates laughed at me, which was hardly surprising since all of the guys on our unbeatable football team were considered stars on campus.

This kind of mockery was a typical day for me.

I can laugh at their idiotic comments now but back then, I don't know why I ever let them get under my skin.

Man standing behind large flowers
Quinn Buffing on Unsplash

We've all done things, or in some cases, regularly do things that others might consider weird.

Even so, we often feel no shame or embarrassment and embrace how unusual these habits are, and take our friends teasing or laughing at us for doing so in stride.

Sometimes, however, we might not like to advertise some of our unusual habits or actions and make every effort to keep them a well-guarded secret.

As raised eyebrows are much easier to take than blatant judgment from friends and peers.

Redditor Key_Nectarine_1969 was curious to hear all the weird things people have done which they still keep under lock and key, leading them to ask:

"What’s the weirdest thing you’ve done that you could only tell people anonymously?"

The Devil [Dogs] Is In The Detail...

"All throughout middle school, there was someone who tucked unwrapped Hostess Devil Dogs into the toilet paper dispensers in the bathrooms, so that when you pulled some toilet paper out, the devil dog would fall out into your hand."

"We had to have an assembly about it."

"That person... Was me."- bejeweled_sky

Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

"Was drunk at an escape room with coworkers."

"It was an extreme one where you are handcuffed the entire time."

"I decided in my drunken state that it would be bada** to dislocated my thumb and slip off the cuffs like the movies."

"It wasn't."

"We got kicked out, my coworkers were weirded out and I had to go to the hospital."

"I quit a few weeks later."

"White collar wasn't for me."- Grotesque-penguin

The Bread Of Heaven

"Stole over 1,000 wafers from church because I really liked the communion wafers & didn’t know where else to get them."

"I felt really blessed & cursed for a long time."- hALLIEcinate

catholic the exorcist GIFGiphy

Retracing Steps...

"Once I got off the subway in NYC and I was super early for an appointment."

"So I picked a random guy and just followed him on foot for like 30 minutes, pretending I was like a private detective or something."

"Always kept about a half block behind."

"He turned this way and that, and eventually went into a building I had lived in 9 years earlier."

"It was weird, and so was I."- OKsurewhynotyep

Hygeine Be Damned...

"I found a dead rat in a field when i was younger and kissed it bc I wanted to say goodbye."- qeleia

exercise push up GIFGiphy

Bad Decisions Have A Way Of Getting Back To You...

"We got super drunk and ate a ton of spicy food in New Orleans."

"Back at the B&B, the food started to come out the back side."

"I was sitting on the toilet sh*tting bricks of fire."

"At that moment, the booze decided to hang a u-turn."

"The trash can was out of reach and I couldn't risk standing up from the toilet for even 5 seconds."

"The closest receptacle was the bathtub."

"I managed to turn in such a way that I could keep shi*ting in the toilet while projectile vomiting into the tub."

"Both ended up clogged, and there was no plunger."

"I had to call the owner to explain that I had destroyed both their toilet and their tub simultaneously."- HoopOnPoop

Things Best Left To Professionals...

"My partner is weirdly prone to cysts."

"I had to drain a 3 inch cyst on her back (thankfully she had a dr's appt the next week), then multiple other little cysts on her legs and chest."

"I never told her to her face but that first giant cyst literally haunted me, the amount of pus and blood I saw....good heavens."- SleepyBiologist

uruguay spot GIF by sargentoPezGiphy

At Least A Lesson Was Learned...

"When I was walking to school one morning, I saw a kid (7-8 yo?) kicking a dog."

"I ran over & kicked the kid and asked him how it felt."

"He ran off and no one saw."

"Still not sorry."- sneezyailurophile

All Creatures Deserve Love

"I was extremely socially isolated as a child and tried to make friends with the coyotes who lived in the woods by our home."

'I caught one in a snare and fed and kept her."

"I wanted a friend."- letthetreeburn

That's What Friends Are For...

"My wife and her best friend pick me up from a frat party black out drunk."

"Then they helped me take a sh*t on the toilet, wiped my a** and then gave me a shower and put me to bed naked."

"Don’t remember any of it."- nc3100

Party Love GIF by Chris CiminoGiphy

Not The Right Kind Of Manure...

"One time I went outside at like 2AM and put the garden hose nozzle into my butthole and sprayed some water into it, then farted it out onto the lawn."

"Basically gave myself an enema with a garden hose."

"I did this because I was bored."

"My neighbour saw me and told my dad (lived at home at the time)."- WaspsInMyGoatse

A Little Fantasy Now And Then...

"When I was younger I joined an international dating site that I figured was a scam."

"Put a black square as my picture and gave myself a fake name, and then looked through their users."

"And after about 10 minutes I had like a 100 messages."

"Most of them were messages telling me how handsome I was or how these women fell in love with me at first site."

"Now I knew it was a scam but when ever I felt down or got rejected for a while I would pop back on the site and read a few messages."

'Yeah it’s kinda cringy and probably pathetic but it made me feel better."

"I would just turn off that logical part of my brain that knew it was a scam for awhile and just pretend I was this popular and desirable guy."

"And it honestly got me through the day sometimes."- Demonking3343

dating app GIFGiphy

If anyone says they've never done anything they're ashamed, or at the very least less-than-proud of, in all likelihood, they are lying.

Or, more likely, they understandably want to pretend that it never happened.

Which might be a little easier than harboring a secret.