People Explain What Went Horribly Wrong The First Time They Had Sex

Nobody really teaches you about sex. You sort of just dive in headfirst and hope for the best.

Unfortunately, this strategy works about as well as you'd expect it to. Sometimes, things are fine. Rarely, things are good.

Most often, things went horribly, horribly wrong.


u/owenja104 asked:

What went horribly wrong during your first time having sex?

Here were some of those answers.

Upchuck To I Do

I took off my bra and he was so overwhelmed that he vomited.

We're now married.

AnnOrZ

Thank You Noise!

Bomb went off.

First I had a heck of a time getting condom on and by the time I figured it out a bomb went off outside. A legit bomb that was super loud. I find out later that some kids from my high school were messing around and put a works bomb* in a neighbor of mine's (a girl from said high school) mailbox. Like the loudest noise ever. My parents were upstairs asleep - and there's no way anyone could sleep through that... so we panic-dressed and sure enough everyone woke up, the cops showed up at the neighbor's, and my v-card stayed intact for another year.

Senator_Bunghole

Bump Bump Bump Bump

We were dumb enough to lay bare naked in the woods. 43 mosquito bites later (I did count) and yeah, not my proudest moment.

Anocte23

Soldiering On Through

Proceeding to have sex on the floor, hitting the night stand, and having a picture frame hit her in the face and her starting to gush blood. Thankfully, it didn't kill the mood entirely.

tony_pajamas88

A Series Of Unfortunate Events

I only pulled her pants down to her knees and got in missionary position. I told her to raise her legs up and it made me do a somersault on her face. It also broke her glasses.

Later we finally had sex and her bed had like a foot board that had little wooden bars in the middle. She kept pressing them with her feet -- one of the bars shot across the room and cracked a window.

StopLookingBuy

The Getaway

It was at a summer camp that used the dorms at a local university, guys in one building, girls in another but I was local and stayed at home so my parents wouldn't have to pay the extra housing cost. We had been fooling around during the day, and she suggested I come back in before curfew when they kicked out all the members of the opposite sex. She had one of those raised dorm beds, maybe three feet high so you could put drawers underneath or whatever. So room checks start happening so I hide under the bed then her and her roommate hang a blanket over the edge of the bed so it reaches all the way to the ground and her and the roommate sit and just watch a movie on a laptop while I hid Anne Frank style. Finally lights go out and she comes down and joins me under the bed. I really tried my best but did absolutely horrible, I must have hit my head three times and with the roommate in the room and knowing this girl was... experienced... I just finally tried to fake it. Unfortunately I'm pretty sure she was very aware.



So I slowly open the door and oak outside and there are two counselors doing rounds down the halls (four story building with the camp kids on the middle two floors). I time it as one counselor is walking upstairs and the other is walking away from me and the stairwell. I successfully make it to the stairs and head down only to find its an emergency exit with the "alarm will sound" sign. I get ready to head back up but then I hear somebody enter the stairwell on the second floor and start to head down.

I immediately bolt through the door, the alarm starts going off, I hear yelling behind me but I just keep running. I realize they'd probably expect someone running towards a car in the front parking lot to be the culprit so I instead head for the field nearby and dive into a ditch. Spend the next two hours watching all the inhabitants of the dorm come outside for roll call, local fire department comes, campus police comes, even a local police officer.

So yeah, that was my first time.

Hi-Point_of_my_life

Something Definitely Shook

Not horribly wrong, but it was in the backseat of my dad's Chrysler LaBaron GT Turbo, and we made a stain that lasted until he sold the car. I told him I spilled a milkshake and would always see that stain and remember the act fondly.

investinlove

Parental Tinges Of Guilt

It was a school night and I was around at her's. My mum was due to pick me up at 22:30. We started shagging at around 22:10 and as soon as it hit 10:20 I began to worry I won't be done in time. 22:40 hit and I just kept thinking how angry she's going to be after waiting outside. Finished just before 23:00. So I spent the majority of my first shag thinking about my mum.

J1M8089

Polly Got It

So she had a parrot, who was (/is because i still follow her on instagram and she still posts him) her best friend. she LOVED this bird. So much so, she never covered his cage. ever, even at night. He slept when she slept and whatnot. This bird (african grey) is ridiculously smart and this thing knew colours, shapes, body parts, people's names and all of that.

It had met me before, but this time her parents and brother were out so it was just her and this bird. got there and nearly 30 seconds after walking into her bedroom i closed the door and we started kissing like you do. Carrying on, i took off my pants only after being at her house for less than 3 minutes.

As soon as i took of my pants, the bird started talking about my butt. The entire time, with the 1975's first album playing on shuffle in the background from her phone, this bird was talking about my butt. The entire time her and i were laughing our butts off (no pun intended) and overall i wouldn't have it any other way.

We broke up about 5 months later for different reasons and since we're still on good terms we still occasionally talk, about life and stuff. I hope her and the parrot are doing well right now.

thr0waway28386

Do you have something to confess to George? Text "Secrets" or "🤐" to +1 (310) 299-9390 to talk him about it.

Person wearing a Pride Equality cap
Elyssa Fahndrich/Unsplash

For closeted individuals, coming out is a rite of passage in life that LGBTQ+ people never signed up for.

Why is it that anyone who inherently identifies a certain way has to explain themselves to those who are confused and unwavering in their socialized ignorance?

Times have changed and while there have been advances made for LGBTQ+ people to find more acceptance and feel less like an "other," there are still many challenges to overcome.

Even with gay role models prevalent in pop culture, it can still be difficult for gay youth today to come out to a parent who chooses to live in the past and align themselves to antiquated ideals in society that prevents them from loving their child as they are.

But sometimes, the response after opening up to a parent in a vulnerable moment can prove that unconditional love is the best thing in the entire world.

Keep reading...Show less

Everyone loves a good mystery or ghost story, particularly one with a massive twist regarding one of the main characters.

But surely, stories like this never happen in real life?

Such as finding yourself stuck on the side of the road, when a guardian angel of sorts comes and helps you, seemingly out of nowhere, then disappears just as mysteriously.

Or getting a call warning you about something which sounds far-fetched, then happens three weeks later?

Surely, these are the types of situations only found in the work of Shirley Jackson or Edgar Allen Poe.

Or are they?

Keep reading...Show less

We've all made clumsy mistakes that we know could have been avoided had we used a little bit more good judgment and common sense.

Thankfully, these silly mistakes don't usually harm others or ourselves.

This is why it's hard to see people knowingly perform reckless or dangerous activities which they know might have serious consequences.

While we don't usually wish these people ill, we also have a hard time feeling bad for them, as they knew what they were getting themselves in for.

As some people might say, they "f*cked around and found out" or "play stupid games, win stupid prizes."

Keep reading...Show less

Being horny can lead to some questionable decision-making.

Something happens to the brain when blood is flowing to other regions of the body.

They should discuss this in health class.

It's perfectly normal, but we have to learn how to deal.

Keep reading...Show less