Non-Asexuals Reactions To The Idea Of An Asexual Significant Other

Non-Asexuals Reactions To The Idea Of An Asexual Significant Other
Photo by Sdf Rahbar on Unsplash

No two people have the same sex drive.

There are those who simply can't get enough sex, as it is what empowers them and gives them purpose, such as the glorious Samantha Jones of Sex And The City.

Then there are those who could go days, weeks, months, even years without having even the tiniest sexual encounter, but live perfectly happy lives.

The proud asexuals.

Providing it is safe and consensual, there is no right and wrong when it comes to sex.

However, supposing one day two people had a classic Hollywood "meet cute", firmly believing it to be love at first sight, only to discover that one half of this prospective couple is asexual and the other is not.

What would their reactions be?


Redditor BeepBoop372 was eager to learn the answer, resulting in their taking to Reddit to ask:
"Dear non-asexual people: if you were in a relationship with someone and they sat you down and said they are asexual, what would your reaction be?"

There Is Always A Solution

"This actually happened to me."

"My current partner told me about 3-4 years into our relationship that she realized she might be asexual."

"She told me that she'd realized since we'd been together that she'd often used sex as validation or because she thought she was supposed to."

"She'd been coming to the realization for a long time before she told me, and told me she was afraid of how I'd react."

"I'll preface my reaction by saying that we have never been monogamous, so things may have worked out differently if we were."

"I was not totally surprised."

"We tell each other everything, and I'd heard a lot about her previous partners."

"From what I gathered, I was her first long-term partner who wasn't abusive, pushy, or worse."

"I didn't feel like I'd disappointed her or turned her asexual in some way, I knew that she was telling me this because she felt comfortable that I wouldn't freak out or leave her."

"When we'd first started seeing each other I'd gone through a similar experience working up the courage to tell her I'm bi."

"The entire experience made us closer."

'That was years ago now, and we still very much love each other."

"We still have sex occasionally, but she's also fine if I seek it out elsewhere as long as I'm safe, always, and communicative, to a fault."

'Coming out to a partner is always difficult, regardless of what your sexuality is, or isn't."

"It's scary to think the person you love may feel differently about you afterward, but it's better than living a lie and letting it eat away at you."- Duckiesims

Happy Well Done GIF by LaffGiphy

Just be Upfront

"i've been on a date with an asexual guy."

"He told me 1 hour into the date."

"I had nothing but respect for straight up telling me."

"I said I want sex to be a part of a relationship, he respected my choice and we had a great date."

"We were friends for long after that."- kaascheesefromage

Nope, Not Going To Work...

"Wish them well, find someone who shares my interests."- tacit_urn

Minor Detail...

"This actually happened to me."

"He was so much fun, that sex ultimately did not matter."

"We had 8 years together before he went I search of new adventures, but we stayed friends until his death."

"I still miss him."- Dang_It_All_to_Heck

Alicia Silverstone Flirting GIFGiphy

An Insurmountable Hurdle

"I’ve been there."

"College boyfriend after about a year of dating told me that he thought he was asexual."

"We had been having sex until then, and it made me feel awful thinking that he might’ve not wanted to the entire time."

"I felt bad 'making' him do that."

"It was always consensual, but I was worried he only did it because he felt he had to."

"Some people can make a relationship without sex work, but this is what I personally did not want."

"I never shamed him for his lack of sexuality, but it made navigating the relationship more challenging."

"That relationship went on for at least another year, but ended up failing for a few reasons."

"I’m quite sexual, so that became a compatibility issue."

"We did not have sex thereafter."

"He was kind of a controlling person, (not because he is asexual)."

"He would make me feel ashamed for getting turned on or, god forbid, pleasuring myself."

"He also guilted me in staying with him despite the lack of any sexual compromise."

"He basically said that if I really loved him for him we would stay together."

"And I did love him a lot at the time, so that is why I stayed."

"I know now that sex is important to me, and really it is nice to be intimate with someone and to feel wanted in that way."

"I felt ugly for the longest time because any time I brought up this issue, I would either be rejected, ouch, or shamed for wanting anything sexual."

"We were both pretty young in this relationship."

"If I were in a relationship like this now, after some more relationship experience, I would have tried to have a clearer discussion about my needs."

"In all, I hope that if anyone else finds themselves in this situation, ie with a partner that realizes they’re asexual, that you can have a serious conversation and decide if this is enough of a compatibility issue to stop seeing each other or make a compromise to match both of your needs."- Silverhime

kate hudson breaking up GIFGiphy

It Can Have Its Advantages

"Wow this is weird, this actually happened to me the other day."

"My partner came and told me she is asexual."

"We talked through what that meant to her and basically she's not anti-sex, in fact she enjoys it, she just has almost no independent interest in sex, and almost no attraction or sexual desire towards people."

"So, after checking that she was still happy with the way things are and she wouldn't prefer some alternative arrangement, we basically just agreed to continue as we have been throughout the relationship up to this point."

"Boring I know, sorry."

"In fact it made me feel more free to pursue my own kinks and desires, since sex is now something she mostly does because she wants to make me happy I feel less bad making it about my wants."- cdwols

Sex is always a very personal issue.

With that in mind, someone with a high sex drive simply might not be able to make a relationship work with an asexual person.

Though opposites do attract, which can include two people with highly opposing views and needs towards sex.

For at the end of the day, there's no ignoring a connection.

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