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Guy's GF Comes Out As Asexual--Seeks Advice For How To Broach The Topic Of Intimacy

Sexuality is a difficult conversation, and when you're dealing with a topic you don't fully understand, sometimes it's best to turn outside your comfort zone for help.

u/throwaway1826491 asked:

My (21M) girlfriend (21F) came out to me as asexual. Not sure where to go from here.[new]

Throwaway because I use my Reddit handle across different social media accounts.

My girlfriend and I had started dating last year after being friends for a year prior. A few months into the relationship she made it clear that she was not comfortable having sex until we had dated for at least a year. I was okay with that, and respected her boundaries. A year of us being together had come and gone, and she did not address the topic of having sex. Of course, I was not going to bring it up to her knowing her sensitivities about sex, so I decided to let her bring it up or initiate when she felt she was ready.

However, 3 months went by and nothing happened, so I decided to bring it up to her. At that point, she came out to me as asexual. She told me she does not feel any sexual attraction toward me or anyone, but she does have strong romantic feelings towards me and reassured me that she loves me. She also made it clear that she thought I was cute/handsome/attractive, but just had no desire to have sex at all.

This has put me in a rough spot. This is my first actual relationship and I do want to have sex for the first time with the girl I love. At the same time I also understand that trying to get her to do something like that when she is asexual would be horrible for the both of us, but especially horrible for her. I'm also a little upset that she was not up front with me from the beginning, but she was probably too afraid to come forward with that information right away. I just don't know what to do, I love her very much but at the same time I don't think I could do a relationship without sex long term.

tl;dr My girlfriend is asexual and I am not. I love her but I am not sure if we can work without having a sexual relationship.

Here was some of the advice he got.


When I was in my early 20's I didn't know asexuality was a thing. Didn't know it until pretty close to hitting 30. By then I had been in and out of relationships where people said I was broken and where I was used for other sexual acts because I wasn't comfortable with the idea of sex - while thinking at the time that I was broken and I had to fix myself so I could have a relationship.

I highly doubt she knew she was ace going into the relationship. She knew she was uncomfortable with the idea of sex but probably hadn't heard of being asexual at that time and has needed time to process it more recently. This sh*t is tough, even moreso when you have to not only accept it yourself but tell someone else about it, and I can absolutely see how terrifying it would be to have to come forward with it when you thought you'd be ready for sexual activity by then.



Asexual is lacking in sexual attraction, which means they aren't attracted to people on the basis of sexual partnership. Not all asexual people are sex repulsed. There are asexual people who enjoy the act of sex when they're doing it, but just don't crave it the way an allosexual person does.

Think of it like a food craving; maybe you never crave pistachios, you'd never go out and buy them, but if there's a bowl of them at a party you'll eat some and enjoy them. Some asexual people have that kind of approach to sex. But some asexual people do actually hate pistachios and will never ever eat one.

The point is, you can have a more nuanced conversation with her about her feelings on sex without pressuring her to do something she's not comfortable with. If you understand more clearly her views on sex, you'll be able to make a more informed decision about whether to stay in the relationship.

If she asks you how you feel about sex, you can tell her truthfully that making love is an important part of romantic relationships for you, and because you love her it's an experience you'd like to share with her.

If she doesn't ever foresee herself having sex, it's ok for that to be a dealbreaker for you.

Neither of you should have to be in a relationship where your needs are incompatible, but you won't know whether this is a resolvable issue until you have a more constructive conversation about it.



As someone who's been tossing asexuality back and forth for a while as an identity, and has no desire for sex, I'd sit down with her and talk over it. No pressuring, completely free zone to discuss some stuff. Basically, many asexual people /do/ have sex even if they have no interest in it for the sake of their partners because it does not actively repulse them--it just does nothing for them. Did she emphasize that she did not want to have sex ever, or just explain her lack of interest? Don't neg her, but this is definitely a discussion you two should have. Would she be interested in different kinds of sex? Positions? Strap ons? Certain methods could provide some "distance" from the situation, with your girlfriend not having to do any real sex and still getting to pleasure you. Then there'd of course be cuddling and such after to fulfill her needs. Of course if that's a no-go for you, that wouldn't work very well. But handjobs are also more distant, as are other things. There's lots of options.

As for not being up-front about it, unfortunately I understand why she would be scared. It's very easy for someone to rationalize that they must have sex with an asexual person in order to "turn" them sexual, even against that asexual person's wishes. She might also not have known if she was asexual until recently.

Regardless, have a calm discussion with her and discuss things to figure out if you guys are fundamentally incompatible and should break up or if you guys can make it work for you. It's not shameful to want or not want sex--no one is in the wrong here.



That's a full stop. You are sexually incompatible. You tell her it's real and it's been fun and you wish her the best of luck.

She made you wait a period of time she knew would build attachment only to tell you she wasn't going to participate in one of the more important parts of the relationship. I feel for you man but it's time to move on.

Personally I don't know how anyone can tell such a big lie to a person they claim to love.



If it makes you feel any better, I recently broke up with my SO of 2 years for similar sexual incompatabilies. It sucks, for sure, but I know that I can find someone who loves me for who I am (asexuality/low libido/idk sex makes me so anxious), not despite it or as a compromise or hoping I'll change. And at the same time, hoping also that my ex can find some who is more physically intimate with him. The short term sucks, but the future will be better.



Asexual Here: I don't know whether she knew she was asexual or not but regardless, it's not cool. If she didn't know, and she just figured it out, she really should have told you. You guys are sexually incompatible. You need sex to enjoy a relationship and she does not. That just doesn't work. I hope she wasn't leading you on but I can see why you feel frustrated. If she did know, and she didn't say anything, she's a jerk.

Your feelings are valid. I am going to go ahead and suggest breaking up. She won't be happy if you nag her for sex and you won't be happy if you don't get your needs met.



I'm asexual and have a partner who is not.

Talk to her about her limits and what she is comfortable with. Is she okay with sex if it's in very intense times of emotion? How far is she comfortable going physically? Is she actually repulsed by sex or is she simply not interested?

If she doesn't want any sort of sexual relationship and you do, talk to her about other options. Would she be comfortable opening your relationship to a certain degree? Is she comfortable with you using toys/other methods to fulfill your sexual urges? Are you willing to sacrifice a typical sex life for a greater romantic one?

Honestly, it is not easy. My husband and I have been together four years and my sexuality is still a struggle. But we are very open with each other and we both make compromises we are comfortable with and feel are necessary for the success of our relationship.



I have some personal experience with this. I'm in a long-term relationship (14 years and counting) with an ace partner- we were together for maybe a decade or so before she realized and came out to me (although our situation was further complicated by physical and mental illness and gender transition, so ymmv).

That was a few years ago now, and we're still together and happy. It hasn't been easy, but it's not necessarily a deal-breaker. It requires a lot of communication and understanding from both parties, but good relationships do. There are a bunch of facets to every relationship, and sex is just one of them. It's a big one, sure, but it's not the be-all and end-all, as I'm sure you know.

You have a couple of options. You can break up, as a lot of people here are suggesting. You can open up your relationship (which is what we did, but it's definitely not for everyone). Or you can stick with your partner, and get yourself off in your own time. It's not an easy position to be in, and it can be painful and invalidating for both parties, and I totally sympathize.

Just remember that asexual people do cop a lot of sh*t, and that she's put a lot of trust in you by coming out. It sounds like you appreciate that, and you're being a good guy by respecting her, and not trying to 'fix' her or change her mind or anything. Whatever you choose, I wish you and your girlfriend the best of luck.



If she lied about the whole "waiting a year to have sex" angle from jump street, I'd break up and never look back. That's just her trying to emotionally entrap you.

If this was a revelation she came to over the last few months, I'd have an open discussion with her. When did she start feeling this way? Why didn't she discuss it with you? Would she be open to allowing you sexual fulfillment from other sources?

Honestly, you've shown her a willingness to deal with her Asexuality for well over a year. At this point, she needs to start showing empathy for your side of the situation or things aren't going to work out.


People Reveal The Weirdest Thing About Themselves

Reddit user Isitjustmedownhere asked: 'Give an example; how weird are you really?'

Let's get one thing straight: no one is normal. We're all weird in our own ways, and that is actually normal.

Of course, that doesn't mean we don't all have that one strange trait or quirk that outweighs all the other weirdness we possess.

For me, it's the fact that I'm almost 30 years old, and I still have an imaginary friend. Her name is Sarah, she has red hair and green eyes, and I strongly believe that, since I lived in India when I created her and there were no actual people with red hair around, she was based on Daphne Blake from Scooby-Doo.

I also didn't know the name Sarah when I created her, so that came later. I know she's not really there, hence the term 'imaginary friend,' but she's kind of always been around. We all have conversations in our heads; mine are with Sarah. She keeps me on task and efficient.

My mom thinks I'm crazy that I still have an imaginary friend, and writing about her like this makes me think I may actually be crazy, but I don't mind. As I said, we're all weird, and we all have that one trait that outweighs all the other weirdness.

Redditors know this all too well and are eager to share their weird traits.

It all started when Redditor Isitjustmedownhere asked:

"Give an example; how weird are you really?"

Monsters Under My Bed

"My bed doesn't touch any wall."

"Edit: I guess i should clarify im not rich."

– Practical_Eye_3600

"Gosh the monsters can get you from any angle then."

– bikergirlr7

"At first I thought this was a flex on how big your bedroom is, but then I realized you're just a psycho 😁"

– zenOFiniquity8

Can You See Why?

"I bought one of those super-powerful fans to dry a basement carpet. Afterwards, I realized that it can point straight up and that it would be amazing to use on myself post-shower. Now I squeegee my body with my hands, step out of the shower and get blasted by a wide jet of room-temp air. I barely use my towel at all. Wife thinks I'm weird."

– KingBooRadley


"In 1990 when I was 8 years old and bored on a field trip, I saw a black Oldsmobile Cutlass driving down the street on a hot day to where you could see that mirage like distortion from the heat on the road. I took a “snapshot” by blinking my eyes and told myself “I wonder how long I can remember this image” ….well."

– AquamarineCheetah

"Even before smartphones, I always take "snapshots" by blinking my eyes hoping I'll remember every detail so I can draw it when I get home. Unfortunately, I may have taken so much snapshots that I can no longer remember every detail I want to draw."

"Makes me think my "memory is full.""

– Reasonable-Pirate902

Same, Same

"I have eaten the same lunch every day for the past 4 years and I'm not bored yet."

– OhhGoood

"How f**king big was this lunch when you started?"

– notmyrealnam3

Not Sure Who Was Weirder

"Had a line cook that worked for us for 6 months never said much. My sous chef once told him with no context, "Baw wit da baw daw bang daw bang diggy diggy." The guy smiled, left, and never came back."

– Frostygrunt


"I pace around my house for hours listening to music imagining that I have done all the things I simply lack the brain capacity to do, or in some really bizarre scenarios, I can really get immersed in these imaginations sometimes I don't know if this is some form of schizophrenia or what."

– RandomSharinganUser

"I do the same exact thing, sometimes for hours. When I was young it would be a ridiculous amount of time and many years later it’s sort of trickled off into almost nothing (almost). It’s weird but I just thought it’s how my brain processes sh*t."

– Kolkeia

If Only

"Even as an adult I still think that if you are in a car that goes over a cliff; and right as you are about to hit the ground if you jump up you can avoid the damage and will land safely. I know I'm wrong. You shut up. I'm not crying."

– ShotCompetition2593

Pet Food

"As a kid I would snack on my dog's Milkbones."

– drummerskillit

"Haha, I have a clear memory of myself doing this as well. I was around 3 y/o. Needless to say no one was supervising me."

– Isitjustmedownhere

"When I was younger, one of my responsibilities was to feed the pet fish every day. Instead, I would hide under the futon in the spare bedroom and eat the fish food."

– -GateKeep-

My Favorite Subject

"I'm autistic and have always had a thing for insects. My neurotypical best friend and I used to hang out at this local bar to talk to girls, back in the late 90s. One time he claimed that my tendency to circle conversations back to insects was hurting my game. The next time we went to that bar (with a few other friends), he turned and said sternly "No talking about bugs. Or space, or statistics or other bullsh*t but mainly no bugs." I felt like he was losing his mind over nothing."

"It was summer, the bar had its windows open. Our group hit it off with a group of young ladies, We were all chatting and having a good time. I was talking to one of these girls, my buddy was behind her facing away from me talking to a few other people."

"A cloudless sulphur flies in and lands on little thing that holds coasters."

"Cue Jordan Peele sweating gif."

"The girl notices my tension, and asks if I am looking at the leaf. "Actually, that's a lepidoptera called..." I looked at the back of my friend's head, he wasn't looking, "I mean a butterfly..." I poked it and it spread its wings the girl says "oh that's a BUG?!" and I still remember my friend turning around slowly to look at me with chastisement. The ONE thing he told me not to do."

"I was 21, and was completely not aware that I already had a rep for being an oddball. It got worse from there."

– Phormicidae

*Teeth Chatter*

"I bite ice cream sometimes."


"That's how I am with popsicles. My wife shudders every single time."


Never Speak Of This

"I put ice in my milk."


"You should keep that kind of thing to yourself. Even when asked."

– We-R-Doomed

"There's some disturbing sh*t in this thread, but this one takes the cake."

– RatonaMuffin

More Than Super Hearing

"I can hear the television while it's on mute."

– Tira13e

"What does it say to you, child?"

– Mama_Skip


"I put mustard on my omelettes."

– Deleted User


– NotCrustOr-filling

Evened Up

"Whenever I say a word and feel like I used a half of my mouth more than the other half, I have to even it out by saying the word again using the other half of my mouth more. If I don't do it correctly, that can go on forever until I feel it's ok."

"I do it silently so I don't creep people out."

– LesPaltaX

"That sounds like a symptom of OCD (I have it myself). Some people with OCD feel like certain actions have to be balanced (like counting or making sure physical movements are even). You should find a therapist who specializes in OCD, because they can help you."

– MoonlightKayla

I totally have the same need for things to be balanced! Guess I'm weird and a little OCD!

Close up face of a woman in bed, staring into the camera
Photo by Jen Theodore

Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.

Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?

But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.

It would be so great to be sure there is something else.

But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.

Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:

"Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"


Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy

"My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."



"I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."

"My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."

"It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."


Take Me Back

"Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."

"I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."



The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy

"I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."


This is why I hate surgery.

You just never know.



"More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."



"Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."

"Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”



"My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"


"I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"


The Fog

"I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."

"I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."


Through the Walls

"My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."

"She's quite alive and well today."


Well let's all be happy to be alive.

It seems to be all we have.

Man's waist line
Santhosh Vaithiyanathan/Unsplash

Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.

The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.

Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.

Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:

"People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"

Redditors didn't see these coming.

Shiver Me Timbers

"I’m always cold now!"

– Telrom_1

"I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."

– r7ndom

"140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."

– mr_remy

Drawing Concern

"I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."

– dee-fondy

"Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"

"Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."

– LizardofDeath

Unleashing Insults

"I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”

"It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."

– alanamablamaspama

Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight

"The loose skin is a bit unexpected."

– KeltarCentauri

"I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."

– KatMagic1977

"It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."

– Jaew96

These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.


"I can buy clothes in any store I want."

– WaySavvyD

"When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."

– ganache98012

No More Symptoms

"Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."

– colleennicole93

Expanding Capabilities

"I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."

– Ramblonius

People Change Their Tune

"How much nicer people are to you."

"My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"

– LiZZygsu

"Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"

"And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"

– awholedamngarden

It's gonna take some getting used to.

Bones Everywhere

"Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."

– Princess-Pancake-97

"I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."

– bekastrange

Knee Pillow

"Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."

– snic2030

"I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."

– Strongbad23

More Mobility

"I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."

"Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."

– dma1965

People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.

But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.

That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.