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Forest Rangers Reveal The Creepiest Experiences They've Had On The Job

Forest Rangers Reveal The Creepiest Experiences They've Had On The Job

Forest Rangers Reveal The Creepiest Experiences They've Had On The Job

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Being a Forest Ranger is a job so many of us no NOTHING about. Apparently though we've been missing out. It's a job full of adventure.. maybe too much adventure. It seems it can be a job riddled with danger. Bears are EVERYWHERE people!

Redditor UpbeatAvocado wondered aloud... Forest rangers of Reddit, what is the creepiest/strangest experience you've had while on the job? Lord these people are NOT paid enough. If we all want to go enjoy a natural park or forest, we have to hep these people.

SWIPE RIGHT MOOSE!

Had campers who honked at a moose. The moose took this as a mating call and proceeded to mate with their car.

THIS ISN'T FOR GEICO...

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Dude. Tourists do amazingly dumb things. I live in Australia and a few years ago I visited a local national park that had a waterfall. On the way back from a swim I heard people laughing and saw a group of backpackers all huddled around a rather large iguana (large monitor lizard, smaller than a Komodo dragon but mean looking). They were trying to get a selfie with it. They must have seen the look of horror on my face because one of them asked "Can...can we pet it?" and I was like "sure" because you can physically pat one. They are real but there isn't a bone in my body that would want to pat a lizard the size of a medium-sized dog that's all jacked on discarded junk food and used condoms. Anyway, they touched it and it went a bit silly but no one was hurt (badly).

CALIFORNIA HERE WE COME!

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I'm a forester for the US Forest Service in northern California.

I've never had anything like supernatural type creepy happen to me. But it always creeps me out a little bit when I come across a kill site from a Mountain Lion. When you're by yourself in the woods you're just another link in the food chain but you don't really think about it until you come across a 1/2 eaten deer and realize a huge cat killed this thing with its face.

As for the strangest thing, that would be the time I thought I was about to see a plane crash. As usual I was working alone on a remote hillside and I saw a plane, like a full size commercial plane flying below the ridgeline between mountains. I thought it was going to crash for sure. But it didn't. It just weaved through and kept going. I thought it was weird it didn't have any logos or writing on it. Come to find out we were close to an Air Force base and they were training pilots for Afghanistan and this was not a totally uncommon thing to see in the area.

THAT IS CYOTE UGLY...

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I live out in the country and frequently hike trails on an 100+ acre property. I come across a lot of coyote kill sites, it doesn't really bother me any more... It's a part of nature and all that.

But I've never thought of it how you described it and now I'm terrified.

IT'S JUST WATER..

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i spent a few weeks on a long camping trip in a national forest near a navy site for bombing practice.

the shock waves from the water bombs hitting would shake the tents. it was pretty cool.

JUST RUN!!

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My friend and I were going through a more secluded part of the woods off of the trail. We planned to head back soon since the sun was setting and shadows were getting longer - I know it doesn't sound like much, but understand that everything gets creepier when you're surrounded by miles of forest.

Then, we noticed it: in the distance was a small wooded platform, a bit rundown. It looked like a man-made structure, completely out of place, and I'd never seen anything like it. I remember we approached with caution and even radioed it in; apparently, nobody had ever seen it before or knew what we were talking about. We didn't have to get very close- the smell hit both of us like a freight train, I felt like I was going to puke. There are no words to sufficiently describe how foul it was. It was the scent of rotten flesh and death but millions of times worse. At that point, we were both seriously spooked and decided to leave since it was getting late, plus we'd already reported it anyway.

Found out that when rangers checked, they discovered a couple things. First, the scent was actually caused by severely mutilated small animal corpses, ravaged and left to rot around the mysterious platform. Next, they collected several bear set traps surrounding it, even though there are no bears here. They uprooted the platform and found the entire thing was a trap, basically because the boards were weak and a deep pit had been dug underneath it with metal shards waiting at the bottom.

JUST GO ALONG WITH IT...

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Prior Marine, we were doing amphibious landings and set up to rack out on the beach. I woke up and walked over the sand dune to take a pee in the middle of the night when I saw a squad of recon guys geared up with night vision goggles maybe ten feet away from me. I said what the hell pretty loudly and none of them said anything. I walked up to one guy and had to physically touch him before he said they were practicing on us. I told my platoon commander about it and the next day he told me they failed because I noticed them. Startled the s*** out of me though, I was halfway through my piss before my eyes adjusted enough to notice 10 or so guys just watching it go down. Would have died for sure.

CAN YOU HEAR US?

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When I was working for a federal government land management agency in Montana a few years back, something really creepy came over the repeater network. While we were working in a canyon that had very poor radio reception, we heard a very long, creepy, and drawn out moan come over the air. This was followed by a very weak (in both reception and tone) "...help...me..." in a women's voice. All of us freaked out. These weak cries for help kept repeating low guttural "...help me..."on until dispatch finally stepped in a said "This is a federal emergency network. Unless you have an emergency, get off this channel." This was followed by another plea for help, then a gun shot and screaming. Turns out 2 local crazies were out four wheeling, going straight up steep embankments, when the ATV flipped backwards, pinning the man under the ATV. Both of them being high on some substance, they started freaking out. The man, being perfectly fine, except for being pinned by the leg and high, started to hallucinate that he was bleeding out, pulled out his handgun and shot himself to make it quicker. Because they were four wheeling so far back in the sticks, a helicopter was needed to retrieve the body.

BLAME CANADA!

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I work as a forester in northern Alberta (Canada). One of the weirder things I've found was an old rusted toboggan in an area of forest that had recently been harvested. It had obviously been there before the forest was cut, because it had about 3 inches of soil on top of most of it with plants growing out of it. This was also 15-20 kilometres off the highway, and not near any well used trails or roads.

W. T. F?!

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Forester here; running into fresh mountain lion and bear scat and tracks is always creepy, but I'm most afraid of other people. I started carrying a gun (which is against my companies policy) after one particularly unsettling run in. I normally work alone but on this day I had a coworker with me, I stepped out of his sight for a bathroom break. We were way off the grid, thought we were the only people for miles. All of the sudden I see a man standing motionless about 20-30 feet from me- I scream in obvious terror. He doesn't say a word, and I'll never be able to accurately describe the look on his face. It was pure evil, I could feel his intent. He takes a step TOWARDS me at which point my coworker yells "Are you ok?," the guy then just turns around and walks away, disappearing back into the woods. I'm a woman btw, and I know for a fact if I had been alone that day he would have attacked me.

Another creepy one was when I was patrolling in a swamp in SC and my boss just happened to fly overhead in a helicopter while conducting an aerial patrol, I could see him in the 'copter waving his arms, I'm waving back smiling like _"hey buddy! I see you!" _My cell rings and it's my boss telling me to get back in my vehicle (amphibious Argo) because I'm walking towards a 10-12 ft alligator. Super creepy because god knows how many I'd been close to in the past, not a normal day to have a helicopter scouting for me.

Strangest thing I've come across was a huge pile of dental molds (like the kind orthodontists make) in the middle of no where. About 3 ft high, thousands of messed up grills. I love weird, random s*** so it made my day. I took like 30 of them and would randomly leave them around town with stupid quotes written on the bottom, kept them stored in the driver side door so people would be like"WTF" when they noticed lol. My friend that happened to be a dental assistant saw them one day and explained that they are expensive to dispose of? So a shady dentist just dumped 'em.

Another time I had just stepped out of the woods when a fish dropped from the sky and landed right in front of me... I was super confused until I saw the hawk that was carrying it fly away.

DEEP BREATHS AND KEEP MOVING...

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I do a lot of of solo hiking and I've seen some weird s***. I actually had a what the hell moment this weekend..

Decided to wake up super early and hike into this a great little fishing spot in Uwharrie national forest. Now I am probably a good 8-10 miles from anything or person. As I come over this hill I see a hoodie hanging up about 25 ft in a tree and an axe head at the base of the tree. The hoodie was on a branch that is couldn't of been thrown or even placed up there if someone climbed.. the limb would of snapped. I just took the safety of my pistol and kept walking. Nothing you can really do that far out..

NOT SAFE PEOPLE!

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Not me, but my ex works in the National Parks. Trees with low limbs, waist high, cut off about a foot away from the trunk.....with used condoms rolled on the ends.

THAT'S NOT SMOKEY!!

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I used to be a ranger for a cave park. One morning, I walked up to our caves to unlock them as a lot of our caves are gated to protect them from vandalism. As I'm walking up, I feel just...weird. I go unlock the cave and as I head back down I realized that the metal boardwalk under my feet feels and sounds different. I walked up and down it a few times trying to figure out exactly what was different but no luck. I decide to head back down to our visitor center and ask the first tour of the day to check on it and see if they notice anything. As I'm heading down the stairs I glanced back up at the cave, and the great big bloody bear that had been snoozing under the boardwalk sticks his head out.

OLD TALES.. DON'T ASK..

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I was in the Black Hills of South Dakota in 2015 with some friends. We came into a clearing about 12 miles into a very remote part of the BH. There was a noose hanging in a tree. The rope was old and mossed over. No other evidence of humans around. Just plain creepy.

LEAVE IT IN THE GREENERY....

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I worked as a botanist for the park service- as a scientist you still wear the uniform. My field partner and I were surveying some plants- and a super old dude walks up - we chat a bit and he tells us he's in his 80s and been hiking there forever. He seems pretty tough and with it from the conversation.

Cut to an hour or two later - he's on his way back - but his pants have disappeared and he's just wearing a (thankfully) long tank top - no pants or underwear. He waves and keeps going. Since you can only be cited for being naked in parks if someone complains- we wave and continued surveying plants. Never really figured out what happened- maybe an restroom emergency or he just wanted to feel the breeze.

IM NOT THOR! YOUR'E ON YOUR OWN!

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Worst story for me was when three bears entered our campsite at like 2:00 in the morning when we were sleeping in a tiny little tent. Pitch black outside, but we were high up the mountain, so when laying in the tent, you could see the moon light filtering through the thin plastic of the tent and the silhouettes of the trees and stuff.

So my friend and I were in one tent and the guys were in another tent a few feet away from us. We are awoken to banging sounds in the campsite, about 3 or 4 feet from where we are laying. We both looked at each other and held hands because it was LOUD. I was terrified to move because the sleeping bags would make that rustling sound if we moved. I swear to god, the bears were FASCINATED with our tent. Now, we did go through all the hassle of setting up a bear proof camp, even washing the sun screen off of us, putting food and self care items and chap sticks and stuff in the food canister and such. We did everything we knew to do so that we did not smell good to bears, but I think just camping that far up gets their attention, period. These things literally were making grunting noises, throwing items around the camp, and rubbing themselves along the side of our tent. Like I could hear the sound of their bristled fur rubbing against the side of our tent over and over and over. I will NEVER forget that sound. When I would open my eyes and look up, you could see their HUGE grunting silhouette rubbing against the side of the tent. It was like the scariest 30 minutes of my entire life. Three GIGANTIC bears were a mere inch away from me and the only thing that separated us was the thin plastic of the tent that they could shred in in half a second.

After what seemed like an eternity, they wandered away, and the guys came flying into our tent carrying the gun. We huddled there, all four of us like terrified school girls, until the sun came up. When we took a look at the camp, everything that had been sitting out (mostly bags and clothes and non-food item stuff) was destroyed and scattered. I never went camping again after that experience. It terrified me. Before that, I never really thought what was out there. Now I know!!

KEEP A TRUE NORTH...

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Every summer I work on a national park just to get a little extra cash for college.

So last year I decided to say okay and solo a 7ish mile hike up the mountain to get back to my dorm. This is after having a few days off, and instead of being late the next day waiting for a ride I decided I was gamed enough to venture the forest at night

So here I am alone crossing makeshift bridges, and going along a makeshift trail in the middle of an pitch black evergreen forest.

Along the way I come to a small rocky River bank, I look up and see a blood moon looming over head. For some reason I felt a wave of anxiety wash over me like I just f***ED up big time.

Hours pass, in turn with me getting lost and my flashlight dying. I kept seeing a shadowy figure in my peripheral, pointing to something. Wasn't a good time, as I was already on the look out for bears and mountain lions, plus being exhausted.

YOGI? IS THAT YOU?

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I've been working at this park for a few years, and I've been having issues. It's this bear, and he isn't like any other bears. HE STEALS PIC-A-NICK BASKETS FROM THE CAMPERS!

People Who Wouldn't Quit Their Job If They Won The Lottery Explain What They Do

Reddit user BITE_AU_CHOCOLAT asked: 'People who wouldn't quit their job even if you won the lottery, what's your job?'

lottery tickets
Erik Mclean on Unsplash

A lot of workers daydream about some day winning the lottery and being able to say goodbye to their job.

Far too many workers are unhappy with their job duties, workplace dynamics or company culture.

But with a taste for luxuries like housing and food, they keep plugging away, year after year.

However not everyone feels that way about their job.

So what are these compelling careers?

Keep reading... Show less
Therapist talking during session
Photo by Mark Williams on Unsplash

Some people stand firmly stand behind their beliefs that everyone would benefit from therapy and that therapy is life-changing.

It's because of the totally life-changing truth bombs their therapist had dropped during their sessions.

Curious, Redditor anonymiss0018 asked:

"What is a little bombshell your therapist dropped in one of your sessions that completely changed your outlook?"

Communication Issues

"'If you don’t have these problems with any other person in your life, why do you think you’re the problematic person in this one?'"

- maggiebear

"I love this. I have a 'friend' who I always seem to run into misunderstandings with. Every time we had a conversation, it somehow turned into a debate even if it was me talking about my day. The conversations were never easy."

"I always evaluate myself first and take into consideration his critiques. He was very good at convincing me that I was contradicting myself or wasn't good at communicating my thoughts."

"I NEVER had this issue with ANYONE else in my life. I kept trying to figure out where the miscommunication was coming from. In the end, I just minimized contact and now I don't run into this issue."

- chobani_yo

"I read this quote somewhere once (and probably have it a bit wrong): 'It's a waste of time arguing with someone who is determined to misunderstand you.'"

- Reddit

Emotional Regulation

"'You can’t control your emotions, but you can control what you do with them.'"

"At the time, I was a young adult who had learned zero healthy emotional regulation skills (only suppression and shaming) growing up, so this blew my mind."

- lil_mermaid

Tough Relationships

"'It sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself to stay with your girlfriend. I'm not so sure it should be so difficult.'"

"At the time he said this, I remember it was like he said, 'The earth is flat.' I thought he was crazy when he suggested relationships don't need to be difficult. But eventually, I started to realize I was trying to change myself to stay with this person rather than just being who I am."

"It took me three more months to finally break up with her but from that day on, I vowed to never again abandon myself just to be with someone I had convinced myself was better than me."

- metric88

High-Stress Situation

"I was at a high-stress time, and I asked her how people live like this."

"She replied, 'Oftentimes they have cardiac events.' She said it as an urging to care for myself as much as possible."

- KittenGr8r

The End of Alcohol

"I was struggling with my alcoholism, and we were discussing how I had been cutting back."

"She asked what I would consider success, with regard to my drinking."

"I said I wanted to get to a point where it wasn't interfering with my daily life. I wanted to just be able to have a glass of wine at holiday dinners or family gatherings."

"She simply asked me why. Why was it important for me to drink at those times?"

"It was as if she'd turned on a light. Alcohol had always been a key ingredient in every family function, for my entire life. When I smell bourbon, I think of my uncle. When I smell vermouth, I think of my dad. Alcohol ran through almost every happy childhood memory."

"But, even more than that, I was very afraid of the explanation I'd have to give when family and friends asked why I wasn't having a drink. I had tried to quit before but failed. What if I admitted my problem, only to fall off the wagon?"

"When she asked why I didn't want to completely quit, it was the first time I saw that last part of the big picture. I'd be willing to drink myself to death in order to avoid being scrutinized, or judged for possible future failures."

"That was the day I quit. I've been sober since May 6th, 2017. 2,407 days."

- sophies_wish

Acceptance vs. Enjoyment

"'Accepting something doesn’t mean you have to like it.'"

"That took away a lot of my inner conflicts about situations because I could accept a situation without expending energy internally fighting against the injustice of it."

- alibelloc

Emotionally Immature Parents

"You are not responsible for your parents' emotional wellbeing. They are independent adults who have been on this earth for many more years than you."

- SmokedPears

Not So Lazy

"'Why do you think you're lazy?' Then she listed off all the things she knows I'm doing for my family, my job, and my life."

"It kind of blew my mind when I struggled to come up with an example."

"She also described family dysfunction as water. Some families are messed up in a way that everyone can see the huge waves across the surface. Others are better at hiding it, but there's still a riptide that you can't see unless you're also in the water."

"It made me realize that trying to keep the surface from ever rippling doesn't erase what is happening underneath."

- flybyknight665

The Harm in People-Pleasing

"'Why do you make people more comfortable when you are uncomfortable?' when talking about people pleasing and fawning."

- ERsandwich

Agree to Disagree

"'Stop trying to get everyone to agree. When you need everyone to agree, the least agreeable person has all the power.'"

This really changed my outlook on planning family events."

- freef

Grieve and Start Anew

"For context, I had a major TBI (traumatic brain injury), seizures, strokes, and all around not a fun brain time when I was 28."

"They said, 'You have to grieve the loss of yourself.'"

"Most people wanted me to go back to how I was. The f**ked up truth is that part of my brain is dead. The person everyone (including myself) knew died. I needed to grieve the loss of myself."

- squeaktoy_la

Multifaceted Identity

"They told me that my job and career is just a way to make money; it's not my life or identity. That took a lot of pressure off me."

- unfairpegasus

Breaking the Cycle

"They validated me."

"'You always talk about not wanting to do to your daughters what your mom did to you. You worry about it so much in every interaction you have ever had with them."

"But your children are 19 and 21 now. They are happy and healthy and they trust you because you’ve never abused them in any way. So I just want to validate for you that you really have broken that cycle of violence."

"You did that. And you should be proud of it. I’m proud of you for it.'"

- puppsmcgee74

The Grieving Process

"I was constantly bringing up how I felt like a completely different person after my mom died... like there was a marked difference between before and after her death."

"But once, she was asking about my hobbies, I got really into describing all the things I loved to do or at least used to do before I got into a deep depression."

"She was like, 'Wow, you seem very passionate.'"

"And I just sat there like, 'Well, I mean, I can't change what I like to do, they're still fun to do.'"

"And it's like she knew when to take a step back, because it was like, wow, I may be super depressed about my mom passing, but I'm still me. I'm still my passions and those don't go away."

"I don't know, maybe it only makes sense to be, but it really started getting me back on track."

- Hannibal680

Sharing the Load

"I've never really had friends. I've had colleagues and classmates and housemates and people who have hung out with me, but I never really felt close to any of them."

"And I did that thing you see on here sometimes; I stopped reaching out to see if I would be reached out to, and I wasn't, which I took as confirmation that they didn't really want me around, or at the very least, that they wouldn't mind my absence."

"I was talking to my therapist about people I'd been close to in college, and she told me to pick one and talk about him. So I did. After I shared some basic stuff like his name and his major etc., and a couple of anecdotes, she asked me what else I knew about him."

"And I couldn't answer. It wasn't really a broadly applicable bombshell, but she said, 'What else?' and I started crying because I realized that for as simple as the question was, my inability to answer spoke volumes."

"I've never had good friends because I've never been a good friend. I'm withdrawn and reserved and I always made others do the work to drag me out, without ever extending my own friendship in a meaningful way in return. If I wanted to have meaningful relationships with other people, I would have to build them."

"I'm still working on this, but I'm trying to make more offers and extend more friendliness to others in my daily life."

- Backupusername

The discoveries in this thread were incredibly touching and profound; it's no wonder these were lasting concepts for these Redditors.

It's important to keep ourselves open to inspiration and insights from others, as we have no idea how their experiences could help us, or how we could help them.

Aerial view of a church in a small town
Sander Weeteling/Unsplash

There's something comforting about living in a small town.

It's characterized by close communities where neighbors know each other by name and there is an abundance of kindness extended to others.

Gift-giving is a commonality, as is the sharing of recipes, and people going out of their way to help each other in a time of need.

The pace of living in small towns is also a striking contradiction to city life, where crowds of people go about their busy lives without much interaction.

Curious to hear more examples of what small town living is like, Redditor official_biz asked:

"What's the most 'small town' thing you've witnessed?"

These are positive examples of a tight-knit community.

Live Updates

"We have a village Facebook page. Every time the ice cream man drives into the village, the entire page goes ballistic. People send live updates of where the van is and which direction he's heading. The ice cream man has started accepting DMs so he knows which streets to go down."

– PyrrhuraMolinae

Brush With The Law

"I’m from a town of less than 2,000 people. When I worked at the grocery store there people would often drop off stuff for my family members because they didn’t want to drive all the way down to our house. I no longer live there but recently got a call from my daughter. She had been stopped for speeding and handed over her license and insurance which happens to be in my mother’s name. The officer goes 'Hey, you’re Donnie’s granddaughter! I ain’t gonna write you a ticket but I’m telling Donnie when I see him tomorrow cause we’re going fishing.' She replied 'I think I’d rather have the ticket.'”

- Reddit

Roadside Catchup

"The traffic on the 'main street' of my town is so sparse, two drivers going opposite directions can stop and talk to each other for a few minutes without causing any problem."

– anon

When things go wrong, people take notice without incident.

Bank Robbery

"A guy robbed a bank and everyone knew immediately who he was and the teller got mad at him."

– AlexRyang

"A local bank was robbed and one of the tellers told the police to bring her a yearbook from about ten years earlier and she would be able to point the robber out. He had been in the grade before hers in school."

– Strict_Condition_632

Wise Woman

"When I worked at the bank in town there was an older lady that had worked there through 5 mergers."

"She knew everyone, there was a young guy yelling at me one day. She walked out of the back and he immediately quieted. She went off about telling his grandmother that he was treating young women like sh*t. She also said that if he didn’t straighten up not one girl in town would ever marry him she would make sure of it."

– ilurvekittens

Intoxicated Local

"Town drunk was paralyzed and used a motorized wheelchair to get around. I was driving home one Saturday night and said town drunk was passed out in his wheelchair doing circles almost directly in the town square. Had to call his brother who came and picked him up on a rollback truck. Strapped him down and drove off into the cold dark night."

– DoodooExplosion

Grazing Over To The Bar

"In my former small town, there was an older guy who'd lost his license after getting a few DUIs. Every day, he would ride his John Deere lawnmower to the corner bar around 3PM and sit around watching TV and sipping his beer well into the night. Then he'd head the couple miles back home on his mower. He even had a little canvass shell he put on when it rained or got too cold."

– brown_pleated_slacks

It's not surprising how small town people behave differently than those who are from metropolitan areas.

Welcoming Committee

"I lived in a small town. When I moved there, people would ask, 'Whose house did you buy?'"

–MoonieNine

"Move to a small town. 30 years later, you are still the new guy."

– impiousdrifter

"I lived in a small town for most of my childhood but I wasn't "from there" because my grandparents weren't from there."

– raisinghellwithtrees

"Worked with an older guy, relative of the owner of the business, he was 73. I asked him if he was a local, he said 'no his parents moved here when he was two.'"

– realneil

A Busy Day

"Lived in a town of about 5,000: A woman walked into the DMV on a Friday, saw that there were 3 people ahead of her and left to come back another time when they weren't so busy."

– KenmoreToast

Who Let The Dogs Out?

"My dogs got out while i was working. the police called my niece's elementary school (she was a 5th grader) to get her to round them up and take them back home."

– mediocrelpn

"There was a small kennel behind the police station for runaways. They called us saying they had our dog, and moments later our dog showed up home. He broke out of jail."

– Worried_Place_917

While life in a small town sounds appealing, I don't know if I can ever live in one.

I'm so used to life in big cities, I think it would be quite unnerving to adjust in a neighborhood where everyone literally knows your business.

I would be paranoid.

And I'm sure the same could be said of life in the big city.

Would you consider making the switch to life in a different setting?

Two women laughing
Photo by Dave George on Unsplash

Every now and then, a friend of ours might say something, or we might overhear a complete stranger say something that makes us stop in our tracks.

More often than not, what we can't believe we just heard is something so ridiculous, we can't help but put the person who said it in their place.

Other times, however, what we just heard might have stunned us silent because of how shockingly clever it was.

Resulting in our not wanting to scold or yell at someone, but rather give them a handshake.

Redditor SubmergingOriginal was curious to hear the sharpest and wittiest things they've ever heard, from friends and strangers alike, leading them to ask:

"Enough with the dumbest; what is the wittiest thing you've ever heard someone say?"

Don't Give Me So Much Credit...

'I was on a team at work that was on a project working insane overtime."

"One night after an 80-90 hour week, we were all sitting around the table trying to finish up so we could go home."

"Around 11, my buddy's wife called, dubious about the hours he'd been keeping."

"We heard her through the line - 'are you cheating on me?'"

"Exasperated, he looked at our boss, then replied 'honey, if I was cheating on you, I would have been home by now'."- lionbatcher

Eternal Optimism...

"Asked a blind guy if he'd been blind his whole life."

"He said 'Not yet'."- Feeling_Mode_6465

Free time Isn't The Only Thing He Has On His Hands...

"My brother got a vasectomy and when the doctor was releasing him and giving him instructions (with the nurse listening in), one of the orders was to 'come back and have a follow-up appointment after you’ve ejaculated 30 times'.”

"Without missing a beat my brother asked 'what time do you open tomorrow?'”

"The nurse couldn’t keep it together after hearing that."- UtahUtopia

Awkward Season 8 GIF by The Office Giphy

Double Whammy!

"My pal uses the phrase 'he doesn’t look strong enough to carry information' and it cracks me up every time."

"Calling someone stupid and weak in one fell swoop."- JennyW93

Can't Hide Your DNA...

'Whenever I jokingly insult my mum, she says 'that must be where you get it from'."

"She cracked the code."

"I can never offend her without offending myself."- JennyW93

Self-Sufficient!

"My brother was a line cook at a New Orleans restaurant."

"My mom was in town, staying at a fancy hotel, and he stopped by after work, still wearing his kitchen whites."

"He was reading a newspaper in the lobby waiting for her to come down when the shocked lobby manager sputtered at him, 'MAY I HELP YOU!?!?'

"He answered, 'thanks, but I know how to read',” and went back to his paper."- jobrody

Morph Current Affairs GIF by Aardman Animations Giphy

A Miracle!

"My brother-in-law’s comment."

"The entire family went out for my mother’s 80th birthday and after the meal we all went to a local park, largely occupied by the elderly, to rest."

"My mother needed crutches at this point, and they were resting against her bench."

"My 10-year-old niece, who looked like every starving waif image from Dickens, grabbed the crutches and started hobbling round the park."

"All the OAPs were following her progress with looks of pity until my brother ran up behind her, and kicked away the crutches."

"There was an audible gasp from round the park and then my niece picked the crutches back up and started chasing my brother, clearly intending to hit him."

"In the confused silence my brother-in-law’s voice rang out 'Praise be! She can walk again!'"

"We still think this was the highlight of the birthday celebrations."- DdraigGwyn

Still Legal, Whichever Way You Cut It...

"I picked up my pleasantly tipsy boyfriend from a nightclub."

"We were stopped by the Police for a random breath test."

"They asked me my age, and I said, 33."

"My bf blurted out '33? You told me you were 22'."

"Police just laughed and let me go."- Aggravating-Corgi379

Music Video Police GIF by Andrew W. K. Giphy

A Bit Too On The Nose?

"Business law class in college years ago, talking about the issues that black Americans had before the Civil Rights."

"Amendment, trying to travel through the south with the discrimination so rampant, trying to find restaurants to serve them and decent lodgings."

"My instructor was posing a hypothetical: 'So you pull up out front of this place, you're exhausted from driving for hours, and you see the sign out front says 'Ku Klux Klan Motel'."

"'What would you expect to find there?'"

"Without missing a beat, from the back of the room came this gem: "'Extra sheets in every room?'"- NedsAtomicDB

Not Yet, Anyway...

"I was working with my friend and his dad."

"My friend (26) heard an ice cream truck near where we were working."

"He asked his dad if he could have a couple dollars."

"His dad asked, 'what for?'"

"My friend told his dad that there was an ice cream truck in the neighborhood, and that they were playing music."

"My friends dad told him "'They don't charge anything to listen to the music'."- tatersalad1234567890

Words Escape You In The Literal "Heat" Of The Moment...

"A friend of mine is a teacher and her husband is known for his wit."

"She told this story to him:"

"One day at school a kid took the hall pass and returned reeking like smoke."

"She asked the kid if he’d been smoking and he denied it over and over."

"She was about to send him to the office when she noticed smoke coming from somewhere."

"She told the kid and he realized that he didn’t put his cig out completely and it was burning in his pants pocket."

"The kid noticed and frantically tried to put it out and someone finally poured water on it."

"Her husband sat listening to this with a weird look on his face."

"She asked him what was wrong."

“'What’s wrong???'"

"'This was probably the only chance you’ll have in your life to say literally, ‘liar,liar, pants on fire’ and you missed your chance'."- Luder714

On Fire No GIF by PEEKASSO Giphy

Amazing What You Might Say A Few Drinks In...

"When I went to a renaissance faire once, I went to a beer tent and ordered a Newcastle Brown Ale (seemed the most fitting for the surroundings)."

"The beer wench, without skipping a beat, said, 'Everyone wants a Newcastle - no one wants to remodel!'"- jayhof52

Read The Room People!

"My dad wiped out when skiing down a mountain and lost a ski."

"After a few minutes of hunting for it, he gives up, slings the one remaining ski over a shoulder and starts walking down the mountain in his ski boots."

"About half-way down, another skier stops and goes 'Gee! Did you lose a ski?'"

"My dad instantly replied 'No, I was out for a walk and found one!'"- PeterJoAl

There's a reason your mother always told you to "use your words".

As clever remarks can have a much more lasting effect on people than a push or shove.