A lot of questions come to mind as soon you discover you're pregnant. Things like, "Is the baby growing healthily?" or "What do I need to do make sure I take care of myself?" come to mind quickly. But what about the unanswered questions? The ones you might never think of? For example: Do doctors microchip babies?
Reddit user, u/oasqss, wanted to hear the truth when they asked:
She'll Just Grow A Cherry Baby
I had a girl call the office because she swallowed a cherry seed and was worried that the baby was going to choke on it.
It Seemed To Have Slipped My Mind
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I used to work at a family planning clinic. Had a 19 year old come in and she was pregnant. She was shocked because she had the Nexplanon (implant in your arm to prevent pregnancy) Doctor didn't feel the Nexplanon in her arm. Patient says "Oh I got it removed last year."
... then you aren't protected from pregnancy. Just a total lack of understanding about how it worked.
Different Holes. Different. Holes.
The amount of times I've had to explain to a patient and/or the father of her baby that the baby in fact does not come out of the "pee hole" is concerning.
Another time, a woman called the L&D unit and told me she knew she was ovulating because the app on her phone told her she was and she had just had sex with her husband. "Am I pregnant"? were literally the next three words out of her mouth.
How Else Would They Find Out?
Midwife here- at least once a month I will being looking after a woman who is shocked to find out that a vaginal examination is the way to check cervical dilatation
Science. A Basic Science Class.
Kinda late to the party. I had a woman call the office to make an appointment, and when I asked her what the appointment was for, she said that she needed a Fallopian tube. I was said, "...do you mean you want to get your tubes tied???"
She says, "No, I'm trying to get pregnant."
???
Pipes Aren't Linked Up The Way You Think
Wife is a midwife - patient called and reported that she was vomiting for the past few hours. Was very concerned that she could possibly be vomiting up amniotic fluid.
Turns out the digestive tract is in no way connected to the uterus.
Just Think About It. For, Like, More Than Four Seconds.
I do ultrasound. When I was a student, I did a rotation at a small OB/GYN clinic. One day, a woman and her husband came in for a pelvic ultrasound. They had come to see the doctor because they were having trouble conceiving. They said they had been having sex regularly for almost a year, and had not gotten pregnant. My instructor asked the patient if she was on medications (standard question).
"Only my birth control pills."
In a year of trying to get pregnant, neither she nor the husband had thought maybe she should stop taking her birth control.
Instruction Up For Interpretation
We get a lot of obese women with comorbidities who don't understand the difference between dont get pregnant and you cant get pregnant.
We had a mom recently deliver a 26 wk baby because Mom's cardiomyopathy and hypertension were out of control. Her cardiologist visited her in the NICU and asked her why she didn't listen to his advice to avoid pregnancy.
Turns out when the cardiologist said "don't get pregnant because your body can't handle it" she heard "she physically can't get pregnant because her body couldn't handle it."
The cardiologist told us this is the second time this misunderstanding has occurred and he now requires his patients to sign some form acknowledging that heart failure is not a form of birth control, rather you should be actively seeking ways to prevent birth to protect your own life.
Well, Technically, There's Already Technology That Can Do That. But, Still...
I work at a microbiological lab and we took routine swabs from a pregnant woman to rule out STDs or other infections that could harm the baby during birth. We used a speculum to be able to see and take samples from the cervix. The patient asked whether we could - since we were already at it - take a picture of the baby with her cell phone.
Through the vagina.
She thought you could see the baby if you looked into the vagina.
There's A Little Bit More Protecting The Baby
A heavily pregnant woman put her finger in her belly button and pulled out something gross. She immiediatly freaked out, making her husband freak out as well. She called my friend, who is a doctor specializing in ob/gyn, and almost cried on the phone:
Preggo: "Help!! I just pulled something out of my belly button!!"
My friend, MD: "... yeah??"
Preggo: "So... have I removed a plug or something? Have I hurt the baby??"
My friend, MD: "But you just pulled something gross from your own belly button.. right?"
Preggo: "Yeah but.. isn't my belly botton connected to the babys belly button? Isn't that how she gets all of her nutrients and stuff?"
And then they had a looong talk about the uterus, placenta and where our belly buttons originate from.
Mind you, this isn't about the preggo not being educated, she is a lawyer. But she caught pregnancy brain. And had a laugh about it afterwards :)
No, No, That Science Checks Out
I work in Public Health and Family Practice. We get our own special ones.
Most recently the lady with chlamydia that stated she did not use birth control because "you cannot get pregnant if you have an STD".
Right.
Yes she knew she had the STD and yes she was sexually active.
This Isn't Thanksgiving
Not a midwife but did have an acquaintance who got pregnant while her husband was in the army deployed. She had convinced her husband that they needed to try and get pregnant. So how do they resolve the issue of long distance and time? They concocted the plan of using a turkey baster, where the husband actually mailed a package of his little soldiers to her and she used the baster on her self to impregnate herself. No doctors were consulted during this time.
And this story all came to light in divorce court when someone actually convinced the husband the baby was not his.
No, No, That Math Doesn't Check Out
Not a midwife but I had an acquaintance try saying that she was only pregnant for 6 months but that her baby came out full-term, like her child was fine and needed zero medical attention due to being so premature.
I don't think she was actively lying, but she was not a bright person. She might have found out she was pregnant at 3 months and just assumed that she was just newly pregnant by the time she found out.
Or maybe she felt bad for drinking/partying early in the pregnancy so she refused to acknowledge it until it was convenient.
A Family Tradition?
We had a woman come to triage one day, in no visible distress, but certain that she was in labor. She denied feeling any loss of fluid, contractions, or pain. When questioned further, she explained that she was already "dilated 4". She was accompanied by her granny, who explained that SHE had checked her granddaughter at home and she was able to fit four fingers inside the vagina, so she knew it was time.
Not in the cervix, in the vagina. 😐
Tag 'Em Like An Animal
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Two of my favorites:
What day of the week do I need to have sex to have a boy?
Do you microchip babies after birth?
That's...That's...That's Not How That Works
I've told this story before, but it bears repeating...
I worked as a telephone triage nurse and received a call from a very concerned young lady. She said that she was pregnant and had gone to an appointment with her OB-GYN that day and had some questions. This was relatively common; patients can sometimes feel rushed in the doctor's office or forget the questions they were going to ask, so they call and ask us later.
Me: Ok, no problem! How can I help?
Pregnant lady: Well, the doctor told me I can't have any more sex until after the baby is born!
Me: (Looking at her record in the computer) Ok. I see you're pretty far along and were having some pre-term contractions, which can be caused by sex. So the doctor recommends no sex so that the baby doesn't come too early.
Pregnant lady: BUT HOW WILL I FEED THE BABY?!?
Me: Ummmm....what?
Turns out, her male partner convinced her that babies needed to eat semen to develop, and this could only be done with PIV sex. I told her this was totally wrong and gave her a quick lesson about the umbilical cord. She was skeptical until I pointed out that single women and lesbians have perfectly healthy babies without constant sex. "Oh, ok! That makes sense!" she said. Then she thanked me and started to hang up the phone- I could hear her calling her partner's name as she hung up. Would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation!
You Hear It Once, You Hear It A Thousand Times
It goes like this:
Me: Your pregnancy test came back positive.
PT: Oh, I couldn't be!
Me: Are you sexually active?
PT: Yes
Me: Are you using any birth control?
Pt: No
Me: Then why don't you think you could be pregnant?
Pt: Because I couldn't be!
Me: ...
Repeat scene many times over past 20 years. Denial is not a river in Egypt.
War Face GIF
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Apparently, their sense of humor has no bounds. Curious to hear from drill sergeants online, Redditor darkstalker1000 asked:
"Drill instructors, what is the funniest thing you have seen a Private do?"
The following examples were utterly humiliating, but valuable lessons were learned.
Longheld Punishment
"Had 2 guys get in a fight in our bay during basic. The drill sergeant made them hold hands and pretending to be on a date all week. Only time they could let go of each other's hands was rack time. They ended up becoming pretty good friends."
Confusing Paycheck
"Ex British Army officer here."
"A corporal went on a nine week mortar course and was accommodated (obviously) while he was away. It turned out he knew one of the DS teaching the course and was invited, regularly, to dine and drink in the Sergeant's Mess."
"The month after coming back from the course, he brought his payslip to me with a puzzled look on his face and, embarrassed, explained he didn't understand what it meant and could I help him?"
"It emerged that the Sergeant's Mess had a chitty system - you didn't pay for your drinks at the time, but signed for them and the total bill was deducted from your pay."
"This legend had managed to drink more than his monthly salary both months he'd been away and his payslip was a negative balance."
"I'm sorry Smith, I'm afraid you owe the Army £235 ($327.50) this month."
Asking For An Advance
"Former European Anti-Air Trainee here."
"Recruit spent his first check on alcohol and sex workers, asked his commander for next months check in advance the next day. Instead of having a good excuse prepared to actually succeed in that proposal he blankly told him in front of 80 other recruits why he'd need it."
Eye-Level Reprimand
"I saw a guy post about how he was like 6'3 and his DS was like 5'2, so whenever he messed up the DS would go up to him face to chest and yell 'Elevator!' and the guy would bend down to eye level with the DS and say 'Ding!' and the DS would proceed to look him in the eye while he chewed him out."
Some experiences were downright hilarious.
The Stain
"Not an RDC, but in boot camp I was over the laundry crew. One recruit sh*t himself because he thought he couldn't leave his rack after taps. It was funny at the moment before I realized I had to wash it."
– ScootaFL
Ambush Training
"This was the funniest f'king thing I ever read from u/odomotto"
"Recruit fired all his blank ammo during 'ambush training.' He crawled in ditch opposite where the aggressors were, and started throwing rocks at them. DI came running in middle of the road blowing his whistle and screaming 'what the f'k are you doing?' Recruit screamed back, 'throwing hand grenades drill sergeant!' Without missing a beat, the DI screamed 'out f'king standing.' And walked away."
"My sides hurt and I was wheezing laughing so hard at this when I first heard it!"
These punishments made no sense. And that's why they're memorable.
The Replacement
"When I was in basic, a kid we called 'Albino' shot off a blank round accidentally in the field. The sergeants were pissed and took his weapon away and replaced it with a broomstick for the remainder of the week in the field."
"Man I remember some dude didn't put the sheet on his bunk the right way and had to wear the sheet as a cloak and go to all the other barracks dancing around sing about how he was the 'Catch Edge Fairy' or something. It was pretty silly, he owned it though. He was doing twirls the whole time. This was Navy bootcamp."
– Konebred
Despite how they are depicted on film, drill instructors are people who care.
Like, Beals – a drill sergeant at Fort Knox, Kentucky – who said:
"We provide more than just physical, mental and emotional guidance for them. You are a father, a preacher, a financial advisor, a counselor-you provide so many different services to the Soldier that the regular public doesn't see on day to day basis."
"They see what they see in movies and what they hear about by word of mouth. But you are fulfilling so many roles other than just being a trainer and teaching an individual how to be a Soldier in the Army."
And occasionally, they are having a laugh at the crazy things their trainees do.