The more I learn, the more I sense that you can't avoid doling out a little childhood trauma. The best you can do is screw your children up as little as possible. That's bleak as hell, but let's chip away at it, shall we?
Therapists have long been turned to for parenting advice. They write most self-help and/or parenting guides than anybody, and they spend every day studying people's issues, most of which come from childhood.
Nice thing is, we can now pick those brains in a bit more casual forum.
Really Lean In On the High 5's
Behavioral therapist here
Catch your kids being good!
Parents are always telling kids what they did wrong. You have to balance it out by telling them what they are doing right.Giphy
JUST BE THERE
Psychologist here, parents are frequently their child's first bully. #1 thing is probably being too distracted by addictions, grief, mental health issues to be emotionally present for their child. Too many adults walking around unaware of their worth because they were never shown or told that they matter.
Own It plz
Actual therapist: Failing to admit it when you're wrong.
Kids need to see adults fail and that be OK. Take your lumps with grace and they'll learn to do the same as they get older. Fight and deny and they'll do two things:
- Never learn that it's OK to make mistakes, therefore stressing out if they do or worrying that they might
- Never learn to admit those mistakes, and end up being huge fu**in' nuisances
Crash and Burn, With Grace
Teaching them that failure is unacceptable/a sign of laziness or that they just didn't want it enough. It results in people who can't take no for an answer or stay it terrible situations because that's what they've chosen so they have to make it work.
Therapist here (LMFT). Probably the biggest and most common f--- up I see is parents shaming their child for having their own identity and personal interests separate from the parent(s).
Just support your kid and don't try to force them to be someone they're not. Don't call them weird or tell them their likes are stupid. Show interest in the things they like and let them teach you about those things.
Also, don't take it personally if your child is not an exact replica of you. Kids are human, and like all humans, despite all our similarities, there vast differences as well. You can learn to celebrate and value those differences, or EVERYONE can be miserable.
Attn: Kids are Not Emotion Trash Cans
Made the child take care of the parents emotions. Its supposed to be the other way around. You control your sadness, anger, disappointment, don't make your kid anticipate your emotional response and work to regulate you.
Quit it With the Whiplash
Social Worker for 25 years. Inconsistencies: poor kiddo never knows how to react because they never get a consistent response.
Show and Tell
Therapist here, the most common thing I hear from clients is they never had proper modelling of emotions, and they now have the inability to identify or articulate their own emotions effectively. The most common intervention I use with clients is to show them the Wheel of Emotion and encourage them to check in with it a few times a day--I like to do it when I refill my water bottle.Giphy
Listen to Children
Emotionally invalidating your children
Child comes running up to mummy screaming with a minor cut.
Child: it hurts!
Parent: no it doesn't, you're ok! Its just small, keep playing.
Yes the cut is small and the kid is ok but that wasn't the point. The child was trying to tell you something important TO THEM and you told them it wasn't real.
This enforces the idea that you wont listen and eventually that child becomes the angry sullen teen who screams the same.
How to Not Cultivate a Monster
Therapist here- The most common issue I come across us enabling children. Some parents have the ability to actually make excuses or reasons for every challenging behavior and place blame on other people. They are more interested in being seen as friends with their kids than actually parenting and seeing that their children are learning/making mistakes. It creates a type of child that is a lazy perfectionist, unwilling to be accountable or try anything outside of their comfort zone. I fear adulthood for these kidsGiphy
Don't Be So Awkward, Dad
Parents failing to keep their promises and consistently repeating the promises and never fulfill them
Lack of communication - I cannot even emphasize enough how many teens I see or clients in general lack communication skills.
All They Need Is Love
Actual therapist here- not offering their children unconditional love.
When a child does something wrong, it's important to explain to them what they've done wrong. It's a matter of saying 'I love you so I want to explain why this is an issue for me'. Parents need to be open to a conversation with their children about why something is an issue, instead of storming off or shouting at them.
Children need to feel loved no matter what. That's honestly the most valuable thing I've learnt as a therapist.Giphy
'Rub Some Dirt On It' is Not Chill Anymore
Ignoring a child's emotional life by scolding them for having one or telling them to "suck it up." It's remarkable the amount of clients I see that need to learn that having feelings is OK and not a cause for alarm or punishment.
It'll get buried, but I'm a psychologist and my answer is: shame. Making them feel ashamed as a disciplinary technique is one of those things that can blow up a minor issue into something that really sticks with you. Worse still when it's concerning sexual and biological processes. Worse even still when it's concerning things the child can't help.
How and Why Would They Make It Up
Not believe or support a child who has experienced sexual assault/ rape or blamed the child for their experience.
Or any other personal trauma, really.
Be The Adults!
Divorced parents who bad mouth the other parent in front of the child are essentially telling the child that 50% of the child is hated.
Life can be pretty funny. Sometimes, this comedy is seen and experienced inadvertently, such as when you see someone slip on a banana peel or fall on their butt while walking on the ice.
Hopefully the people you saw these things happen to––and maybe it was YOU!––are okay. But let's face it, people who saw it might have laughed, right?
It's the sudden absurdity that cracks people up, as we were reminded by Redditor I_am_tangible asked the online community,
"What's the most cartoony thing you've seen happen in real life?"
"Someone running in place because it was slippery."
This is definitely something from a Looney Tunes cartoon. How many times have we seen this?!
"I've seen my friend..."
"I've seen my friend slipping on a banana peel."
"I once saw a dog..."
"I once saw a dog find a chain of linked sausages unattended and then he ran away with one in his mouth, the others flapping and bouncing behind him."
This is funny and also really cute! That dog definitely had a better day than you.
"My cat drifting..."
"My cat drifting on the slippery floor when taking corners while running. She loved doing that."
"A couple of guys..."
"A couple of guys were at my place putting in new pipes. One fell through the ceiling, but only halfway, so only his lower half was sticking out of the ceiling, legs kicking."
That final part, with the legs kicking, is hilarious.
"A naked man..."
"A naked man with a cardboard box around him running down the street."
"A car spinning..."
"A car spinning 360 degrees, hitting a pole, and having smoke come out."
"The reason why it was cartoonish is that it happened in the snow so it was basically in slow motion and the least dangerous thing ever while being funny."
I chuckled, but let's be serious for a moment: This absolutely is dangerous. Hopefully the driver was okay!
"My neighbor came over..."
"My neighbor came over, drank a box of wine by himself and it took him 20 minutes for him to walk home right next door."
"It was windy as hell, like 25-30+ with gusts upwards of 40 mph. It was the most cartoony thing I have ever seen. He was tryna fight the wind all the way home. I am pretty certain I saw him crawling at one point."
This one is my personal favorite.
Nevertheless, your neighbor persisted.
Hopefully his dignity was intact.
"Someone stepping on a rake and hurting their face. That someone was me."
"I slipped on the ice..."
"I slipped on the ice a few years ago. I know it had to look like a cartoon. My feet flew up in the air and when I landed my head, neck and shoulders hit the ground before the rest of my body."
I'm pretty sure it must have been funny as f*** to see because it hurt like hell."
Life isn't always so serious, people. Sometimes it's utterly whimsical... like the cartoons we know and enjoy.
Where do you think the writers of these cartoons got their inspiration?
Have some funny experiences of your own? Have you also slipped on a banana peel and done the walk of shame? Tell more in the comments below!
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People collect art for a myriad of reasons. Some might have a particular artist they admire, maybe it's a personal investment, or maybe they want serious bragging rights.
Whatever the reason may be, there are some incredible pieces of art that may never be seen by the public because the value has made it impossible for anyone but the elite to see.
Some collections are valued at $2.2 billion and are spread across over 100 museums and galleries.
But what about the private collections that are never seen by the eyes of the public?
Redditor nessenger asked:
"What rare or historical items are in private collections which the public will never see?"
Some of these historical items have an interesting background story.
An Emily Carr painting.
"One of my old neighbors had an Emily Carr painting. He had an art book on a pedestal in front of it that talked about the painting and had the location as 'Unknown.' He had written 'Ha-ha!' next to it in the margin."
"In my opinion, it was definitely stolen. Maybe not by him but...there's no reason not to claim it as an asset at least to insure it, considering its worth millions of dollars, unless claiming it would become a problem for you."
"He's definitely a legitimate art collector. He probably got it in a private sale where the [provenance] was exclusively from private sales."
A silent short film.
"My answer is something the public will likely never see, not because it's in private hands, but because all traces of it have likely been lost:"
"On May 16th, 1912, the American silent short film Saved from the Titanic premiered in theaters starring actress Dorothy Gibson. The film was unique in that, not only was it completed literally a month after the tragedy, but Gibson was one of the survivors of the disaster, even wearing the same nightgown she wore on April 15th in the film."
"Despite some papers like the New York Dramatic Mirror criticizing the film as "revolting," due to the recent nature of the disaster, many more praised it for the same reasons. And, indeed, its use of stock footage of Captain Smith aboard the near-identical Olympic, icebergs in the North Atlantic, and of the Olympic herself as a stand-in, was able to increase the film's authenticity in ways no other film could."
"Sadly, this would be Gibson's last film, as she suffered an existential crisis during production, and all known copies of the film itself were destroyed in a studio fire in March 1914. All of them."
"Except, perhaps one."
"You see, one of the more notable fatalities in the Titanic disaster was Major Archibald Butt. While basically everything he was said to have done during the sinking was a case of media sensationalism, what could not be fabricated was his friendship and role as military advisor to William Howard Taft, better known as the President of the United States. Taft, to say the least, didn't take the news well, breaking down into tears during Butt's second funeral ceremony on May 5th. He received a personal copy of the film, and as such, it is possible that this copy still exists today, tucked away and forgotten…."
A lost room.
"The Amber Room."
"It ended up somewhere."
"As much as I would live to see it I don't believe it exists anymore. There may be pieces of it in collections but the majority of it must have been broken apart and sold to be made into other trinkets."
"The consensus among most reputable historians and journalists is that the Amber Room was destroyed during the firebombing of the building where it was held, though individual pieces might have been looted as people fled the palace and sold later, fueling rumors that the room itself had survived."
"Notably, none of these rumors have led to a plausible theory of how the room might have been moved and stored. When you take into account that:"
- "It's very common for portable items of value to be looted during the destruction of culturally significant sites without the site itself surviving;"
- "The Amber Room would have been incredibly difficult to move, hide, and store, particularly in secret;"
- "And that all leads regarding its whereabouts so far have been proven false"
"... Then there is no actual evidence that it survived, besides wishful thinking and the fact that it makes a good story."
"Also worth noting, the destruction of the Amber Room was seen as extremely bad PR for everyone involved, so there is great motivation for powerful states and figures to produce the room, if it exists, yet they have been unable to do so."
Art on rotation.
"I know there's a ton of stuff that the Nazis stole that still hasn't been recovered. Plenty of it HAS to just be sitting in somebody's living room, with the owner possibly being unaware of its origins, or maybe at least suspicious of its origins but they don't want to contact anybody about it."
"Museums also have a ton of stuff that they keep behind the scenes for various reasons - I think usually sensitivity to light and needing better temperature and air control are the main ones. Some of that stuff has really good replicas that are actually what's on display in museums, but I think a lot of the stuff doesn't so is just in some drawer in the back room somewhere where only specific employees and documentary filmmakers can see it."
"Apparently, because of how they 'rotate' exhibits & collections, museums typically have far more things in storage than on display."
"They also share with other museums, got to keep the attractions fresh."
"They have even more than that I'd say. Stuff admitted in the museum often have additional items on the side that get mixed up and unlabeled; some dresses have sample extras on the side for reparation or replication purposes for the original owner."
"My mom works at a small museum and she says that they normally have about a third of their collection on display. Also, many pieces have restrictions about how long and how often they can be displayed, especially older paintings and delicate pieces like tapestries. For these reasons, museums often borrow pieces from private collectors to 'fill out' exhibits"
"Lost" media footage.
"Lost Media footage. I know some collectors stumbled upon gems but won't release it, because the like the power of feeling like a god."
"For obvious reasons there are quite a few recordings of fatal racing accidents that are locked away forever either by the families or the racing team owners/manufacturers. I'm ok with these staying that way."
"I know this was being discussed after Steve Irwin died, since his death was caught on tape. I'd heard that the Australian government ordered the footage destroyed once the inquiry into his death was completed. Given how much of an icon Steve Irwin was, especially in Australia, I'm certain that all of the footage was destroyed, especially since all the people who witnessed it were his friends. I'm perfectly fine with that footage being destroyed."
"Well maybe not in private collections, but as someone majoring in European Medieval History it kinda pains my hard that there are some beautifully illuminated manuscripts, that almost no one but the conservators will ever be able to lay their eyes upon. The Book of Hours of Jean de Berry bursting with life and colour, the Utrecht Psalter, the oldest & most valuable manuscript located within my country, dating back to the 830's and decorated with incredibly precise and lively pen drawings and so much more. You can check digital versions online, but to hold such a piece of history and art in your hands is another experience entirely."
"It amazed me when I visited the bayeux tapestry. The colour and condition of something coming up on 1000 years old. Some of the detail they put into those old manuscripts and tapestries are unbelievable."
"Dude I cried when I saw this old a** painting from el Greco. Like how can something soooo old survive. How am I seeing this painting. Same when I saw Van Gogh paintings."
"It's pretty important that people can't just come and handle it though. The only reason it's survived this long is because it has been handled extremely carefully. It probably won't be long before a technology comes along that makes current high definition digital images look outdated, just as they make black and white photographs look outdated."
Art collecting is definitely meant for the rich elite who pride themselves on having such incredible amounts of money. It's a shame that these incredible works are going to continue to circulate amongst those select few.
It's hard to think of it as even being art if no one is around to admire it.
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Many of us think we have life all figured out.
Curious to hear what stumps strangers online, Redditor homo1ogize asked:
"What makes absolutely no sense to you at all?"
The things people do can be forever mysteries.
"Grown adults not taking responsibility for their actions/property and expecting others to clean up after them."
A Curious Culinary Process
"How people came up with baking."
"I get eating meats and veggies and fruits. That's just food that's pretty much ready to go."
"But somehow someone figured you can grind this plant into a powder, add a certain amount of water and some chicken eggs and some oil and some other crushed plant stuff and then heat it for X Minutes and now you have cake or bread or cookies or whatever."
Leaving The Bowl Full
"People that don't flush public restroom toilets."
"What's the deal with that? Do they not flush in their own homes? Is it laziness? Contempt with society? Seeing retail and other workers suffer? Just not knowing better?"
Life Insurance Loophole
"Seems like half of the true-crime shows I watch involve life insurance. What I don't understand is how the perpetrators convince themselves that being the beneficiary on a brand-new life insurance policy and then having the insured turn up dead within days or weeks is not going to put you under a detective's microscope."
"Even more suspicious are the ones who immediately make the claim for payout within a day of the death. At least sit on it for a month or two and act like you're grieving."
These trends continue to dumbfound Redditors' minds.
The Housing Market
"House price rises. How seriously can people have so much money for crappy houses? Where are all these great paying jobs that service the mortgage?"
"My partner and I have decent middle class jobs ( teacher, nurse) yet cannot afford to buy in the city where we live…. And not even close to the city where we live."
"How can a pandemic wreck an economy… throw thousands out of work needing to rely on government handouts …. Yet house prices increase?"
The Facebook Ploy
"Those Facebook photos that promise you a lot of money if you post them. Is it true that people believe it?"
"How, in what environment, under what conditions, could that possibly work? Is this some sort of inside joke that I'm not aware of? 'Write Amen.'"
"My first language was Spanish, which I learned at home. I learnt English at school and with friends outside of school. In addition, German is spoken."
"Surprisingly, when I speak in my brain, it's always in English. When I pronounce them out loud, though, they come out in the correct language."
Knowing scientific explanations doesn't necessarily mean we will completely comprehend them.
"How the moon is in perfect rotation with the earth to the point where we only see one side of the moon at all times no matter what."
Lack Of A Void
"What is the root of consciousness and why is there something instead of nothing."
"How babies just go from swimming/breathing in a pouch of goo to being born and able to breathe normal air. It makes no sense to me. How does something go from not breathing air to breathing air in like a second?"
The Vastness Above Us
"Look at the moon. Some days you can see Saturn or Jupiter out there. Look at the stars."
"You think about us… people on this rock in space all running around. We're floating in space on a rock. Spinning around. All together. One."
"And space is just soooo big. It's overwhelming. Really really big. I can't even comprehend how big."
"It doesn't even make sense how big it is."
This is something I've always chalked up to fate, but the concept of meeting people floors me.
How did I wind up with the friends in my circle? How did I get paired with my parents in this life? And how did I meet the person with whom I wound up exchanging vows?
It's terrifying to comprehend the prospect of never having met some of the most important people in my life, yet I would never know because I haven't been faced with the alternative.
It continues to blow my mind.
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It shouldn't be hard to try and stay healthy.
However, it feels like the world is against you, as most stuff marketed or sold as "healthy" could actually be hurting you.
What do people think is healthy but is actually harmful?
Seeing something on the shelves marked as "healthy" shouldn't cause you to second guess yourself. It should be easy, right? However, these products might be holding a darker secret than you realize.
For Those In The Back: Its Not The Fat, It's The Sugar
"Low fat or non fat foods tend to add more sugar than their regular fat counterparts to make up for the lost flavor."
"Edit: To clarify, for example I'm talking about something like reduced fat cheese its vs the regular cheese its. The reduced fat may seem "healthier" but it's really not."
Just Eat The Fruit
"People focus on the fact that it contains some nutrients, but not that it also contains as much sugar as Coca-Cola"
"This. The only truly healthful way to consume a fruit's juice is to eat the whole fruit. Peeling and eating an orange takes so much longer than chugging way too much juice. Plus the benefit of the fiber. Plus the benefit of fresh and natural vitamin C."
This One's A Real Bummer
"Those acai bowls are loaded with sugar."
"Ohhhh damn. I see why I've been rapidly gaining weight recently . Those damn delicious açaí bowl."
You might be doing something every day that's causing health deficiencies in your day to day living. The worst part of it all is the notion that this unhealthy thing you're doing is supposed to be "fun" or "relaxing."
From The Earth? Yes. Still Smoke? Also Yes.
"Smoking marijuana. And I say this as a daily toker. Inhaling smoke into your body is ALWAYS bad for you. It's just better than inhaling poison (cigarettes) into your body."
"This bothers so much. I smoked almost daily for 8 years, not as much now, but so many stoners refuse to acknowledge that inhaling ANY kind of smoke is bad for you. Yeah, cannabis has a lot of benefits. But putting any kind of mind-altering substance into your body it is not risk-free."
"Same with vaping. Just because it's a healthier alternative to cigarettes doesn't make it automatically healthy itself. It's just a good way to help those with smoking problems ween off it and be healthier. It's not meant to be used as a way to start an addiction. Addiction still kills."
Find That Right Balance
"Not so much anymore because there is much more awareness, but being out in the sun. My mom would force me to sunbathe when I was a child because it was "unhealthy" to be pale and that people would think I am gross. Now she's not even fifty and her face is pocked with scars from surgeries treating melanoma, and every year has to go back in to the doctor for more skin removal and to determine if she needs further, more intensive treatment."
"I have never sunbathed as an adult and religiously put on sunscreen, wear long sleeves and an "old man" hiking hat when I go just about anywhere outside. Please, everyone, protect your skin!"
"But also on the flip side, it's really common to have a vitamin D deficiency if your skin never sees the sunlight, so make sure you're taking a supplement if that's the case. Vitamin D deficiency can lead to a whole host of its own issues. It feels like every health issue is some variation of a double sided coin."
The Truth Hits Like A Truck
"Being with someone because you don't want to be alone"
"Yes, but like many of the harmful things in this thread, it sure can be fun for a little while. Until the consequences start coming at you."
What can feel a little shocking about some of these things listed is the thought that you're doing something good for you. You're working out! What's the worst that can happen?
Sometimes Crushing It Every Day Can Crush You Every Day
"working out with 100% effort everyday"
"Agree. You can train different muscles, but in the end, you are still using the same nervous system. Also, Rhabdomyolysis is a thing, so….."
"In case anyone else feels the need to look it up:"
"Rhabdomyolysis is a potentially life-threatening syndrome resulting from the breakdown of skeletal muscle fibers with leakage of muscle contents into the circulation. The most common causes are crush injury, overexertion, alcohol abuse and certain medicines and toxic substances."
It's Goop. How Can You Not Trust It?
"Anything Gwyneth Paltrow is marketing."
"Hold on, you mean to tell me that shoving a jade egg up your vagina, isn't good for you?"
"The jade egg is probably the least unhealthy thing she sells, as it does absolutely nothing."
Not Doing What You Think
All of those "Detox" drinks, and gimmicks.
Take care of yourself. Don't fall for health fads. Start simple.
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