Public transit is bananas. It just is. It serves as the veins and arteries of major cities - and just like with veins and arteries in the human body, sometimes things can go horribly, catastrophically wrong.
Reddit user MexicanNach0 asked:
Now normally I would write a whole big long informational bit - but this needs absolutely no intro. It does, however, need a warning. Like all the warnings. So many warnings. Things are about to get intense and gross, you guys. So gross.
You were warned...
"It Groceries Now!"Giphy
Tiny elderly Chinese woman was carrying a live chicken by the feet in one hand and a shopping bag in the other. She tried to get on a bus and the driver stopped her. They argued back and forth for a bit and finally she lets out an exasperated growl, breaks the neck of the chicken, stuffs it in the bag and shouts "It's groceries now!"
A guy kept yelling NO!! Every time the bus stopped at a bus stop.
He yelled YES!! When the bus stopped at his stop.
F Train Bath Time
Homeless woman started to bathe herself on the F train. She stripped down on a moderately full car and used two gallon jugs of spring water and a roll of paper towels.
Little rivulets of homeless lady funk streaked across the floor as everyone raised their feet, wishing the train would come to a stop quickly.
Kissing A Passed Out Girl
I saw a young woman get on, early-mid twenties, obliterated on drugs. She sat far back behind me so I didn't hear anything, and the next thing I know some muscle head is yelling for the bus driver to stop the bus and was manhandling an old mid 50s guy off the bus. Muscle head started yelling "Get this creep off the bus, he's back there kissing a passed out girl!"
Staring Into My Very SoulGiphy
I was on a sleeper train going from Hamburg to Rotterdam and woke up in the middle of the night to a 60ish year old German lady violently pleasuring herself on the bunk opposite while staring into my very soul. I just pretended to go back to sleep. I wasn't asleep. She knew.
Bonus - in the morning when we arrived and were leaving the train she winked at me.
Funnel Cakes And Demonic Kidnapping
We were riding the DART rail in Dallas to the State Fair of Texas. There was a methed out crazy guy on there that kept staring at my 1 year old son and repeating (in a low, creepy voice), "He will not take you, but He will take the child. He will not take you, but He will take the child."
Needless to say, we were not happy. We just wanted funnel cakes, not threats of demonic kidnapping.
At Least She Put Down Newspaper First
This really well dress lady in a business suit stood up and started taking out newspapers to put on the floor. She pulled her pants down, took a sh*t, wrap it up and casually stuff the soiled newspaper into her handbag like it was nothing. The bus driver was yelling at her the whole time and she didn't give a sh*t. Scanned her card and got off at the next stop.
Bob Ross Rattlesnake Twins
In Sydney, these twin brothers got on my bus, they were clearly homeless and pissed out of there brains.
They both looked like Bob Ross. So one stood at one end of the bus and the other one at the other side.
Both screaming "He F*CKIN RAN LIKE A RATTLE SNAKE" in sync for a good 20 minutes.
Public transport at its best.
Homeless Zulu Duck Duck Goose
I was on the train in KZN, which is a province in South Africa. An old dude walks onto the train. Like super old dude. Maybe a Kung fu master type of old. He wasn't Asian, just ancient - and a regular trouble maker.
When we see him, we know that he's going to harass someone. Everyone knows a public commuter like that.
So, Dude is humming a tune but as he passes the first person, he says "Duck" and touches the top of their head with a tap. It's gross. He continues in a predictable manner as everyone tries to dodge his awful hobo hand of God.
Duck. Tap. Duck. Tap. Duck. Tap. Duck. Tap. Duck. Tap.
He repeats this mantra as he caresses scalps. He touches your head and you feel microbes leave his finger tips and invade your head. So things are getting intense because no one knows what's going to happen when he reaches the back of the train since there's this big Zulu sitting at the end of the train with an "I wish you would" expression on his face and the old guy is in the middle of the coach already.
It's like Russian Roulette after the trigger's been pulled for the fourth time.
Anyway, ancient dude is busy ducking all the passengers and time's finally up. Zulu guy, who's probably about 55 and probably fought along side Mandela, is confronted by the super ancient dude. Now, when I say Zulu I'm not being facetious - I mean actual Zulu. He spoke IsiZulu, was wearing a traditional goat skin wristband - definitely Zulu.
It's awkward and intense and a stare off is underway. Now, I already got my frontal lobe blessed by ancient guy, so I'm waiting for the Zulu guy to get his. Old guy raises his hand like a priest.
The word that we anticipate is about to come out, he gets the first little bit out, "GOO-"
WHACK!!!! Zulu guy strikes him with the power of Shaka Zulu. Everyone erupts, Zulu guy has his ancestors emerge from thin air and place their hand over Zulu guy's shoulder and he goes still and silent. The old man falls, stumbles up and leaves the coach, never to be seen on the train again...
More F Train Shenanigans
This is on the F train in NYC. Naturally.
A homeless guy gets on the train at some random stop, proceeds to sit down like a normal, not-so-well-adjusted homeless dude, talking to himself. As soon as the train starts moving, he drops his pants and takes a sh*t on the seat. Everyone around him seems to be intentionally looking in every other direction and pretending it didn't happen.
Naturally, the homeless dude pulls out a notebook and a sharpie and writes "Please Do Not Thank You" (no, I did NOT accidentally add or miss a word there -- that is exactly what he wrote) on the paper, rips out the page, then places the paper over his fresh sh*t on the seat.
He got off the train at the next stop.
I don't even know, dude.
Rancid Sour CreamGiphy
My very first time riding the Toronto subway when I moved there at 19 I got into a crowded train and found a seat surprisingly and settled in. I quickly realized no one wanted to sit next to this woman of questionable character, hence the availability of a seat at rush hour.
She took out a tub of sour cream from her wheely cart and when she opened it the smell hit immediately, it was quite rancid. Then she put her hands in it, coated them and began clapping and laughing hysterically, covering everyone nearby in a splatter of rancid sour cream. It was a great initiation to public transit.