People Share The NSFW Historical Facts They Wish They Had Learned In School
Gellinger/Pixabay

*As indicated by the title, this one is totally NSFW.*

History is a fascinating subject, when you get down to it, but the carefully curated bits of it that make it into school curricula are often the most boring bits.

Humans have always been freaky, and our history is full of interesting NSFW anecdotes.


Reddit user boopsterdoopster asked:

"What are some NSFW history facts that Don't get taught in school?"

Drunken Triumph

"If you look up Edward Russell in history books or even Wikipedia, you learn about his military service, including Admiral of the Royal Fleet for some famous battles."

"What they don't teach is that he threw a party so epic it's still being talked about 300 years later."

"In 1694, he threw a party for officers, and with 6,000 guests coming, wanted to make it special. So, he made the world's largest cocktail."

"Drained the garden fountain and used that as a giant punch bowl with hundreds of gallons of liquor, over a half ton of sugar, thousands of lemons, etc..."

"He hired bartenders to paddle around in boats, scoop it up, and serve it to attendees."

"At some point, it began to rain, so they put a tent up over the fountain to prevent it getting watered down."

"About a week after they started, they had drank every last drop, the fountain was dry, and the party was over."

- MyNameIsRay

Drunken Defeat

"There was a Greek general who was supposed to lead a major expedition to Sicily."

"The night before he left he got wasted and walked around Athens with his other drunk friends and knocked all of the penises off of the statues in Athens."

"This caused him to be arrested, he missed the expedition and they lost almost all of the men they sent to Sicily because only he knew the plan well enough to pull it off."

- izlanda_

"The most extraordinary part of this tale of Alcibiades, is that you're actually downplaying it."

- Cataphractoi

Cover-up

"Powdered wigs were invented to cover up head sores caused by syphilis."

- buddywilson2828

"...and small pox scars too and lice and all kinds of nasty things because while population was booming, indoor plumbing and clean water were not things yet."

- Makabajones

Cocks And Hens

"The Coolidge Effect is named for the 30th President of the United States, Calvin Coolidge."

"It is an observed phenomenon in nature that a male presented with new, receptive sexual partners exhibits renewed sexual interest (and ability) even after intercourse with prior but still available sexual partners."

"The story goes:"

"The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown [separately] around an experimental government farm. When [Mrs. Coolidge] came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day." Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by." Upon being told, the President asked, "Same hen every time?" The reply was, "Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time." President: "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."

- _orbus_

There Are Worse Things

"Early colonizers of the United States used corn cobs as toilet paper."

- Makabajones

There Are Worse Ways

"French President Félix Faure went out via death by blowjob from a mistress."

- Ascribed_Innovation

Busy Body

"Alexander the Great had 361 concubines (official prostitutes), 4 more and he would have one for every day of the year."

- NeteroBeast

Little Swimmers

"The 'Father of Microbiology,' Antonie Van Leeuwenhoek, was the first to examine semen under a microscope immediately after ejaculating."

- misein-anthropos

Ordering Off The Menu

"Roman brothels had pictures of the prostitutes’ specialties above the door to their room."

- Ep1cFac3Pa1m

What To Do In Prague

"If you ever visit Prague, definitely go to the Sex Machines Museum."

"I felt so naive of how unaware I was about how horny we as a species have been, since, literally, ever."

"The steam powered dildo is a triumph of mechanical engineering."

- AbeLaney

Dangerous Liaisons

"In Late Imperial China, a Concubine earmarked for sex by the Emperor later at night would be pampered all day."

"When the night of the deed came, the palace servants stripped the girl naked, wrapped her in a silk blanket, and carried her to the Emperor's bed to unwrap her there."

"This practice wasn't for Imperial Majesty's kinks: it was a security measure."

"Sometime earlier a concubine tried to assassinate an Emperor during sex with weapons hidden in her clothing."

- Khysamgathys

Ship To Shore

"During the age of sail, any time a large ship would come into port, the men often wouldn't be allowed shore leave for a few days."

"So you would see small boats packed with prostitutes heading out to the ship at mooring."

"Larger ships of the line would have over 500 men aboard so there could definitely be a couple hundred ladies brought aboard 'behind the captain's back'."

"And with virtually no privacy aboard, you would have spaces in the ship with hundreds of couples going at it at once."

- strengthof10interns

The Father Of France?

"Ben Franklin was a playboy."

"He was the US Ambassador to France and slept with the daughters of many French nobles."

"And when he arrived his clothing would influence French fashion."

- BourbonBinge

"Dude also enjoyed taking 'air baths'."

"Which meant that, while he was in France, he would just sit naked in front of an open window in his living room while he did his morning paperwork."

- Gemmabeta

"When he died many women turned up at his funeral from what I recall reading."

- Chazo138

Catherine The Lewd

"Catherine The Great had a parlor room filled with explicit, erotic furniture she commissioned personally."

We're talking blowjobs carved into chairs, an end table where giant dicks' torrential c*mshots were holding up a marble countertop, a woman getting eaten out by a demon on a throne... homegirl had taste."

‐ OnWarmLeatherette

At Least He Didn't Add Its Likeness In The Furniture

"President Lyndon Johnson was obsessed with his penis and loved to show it to people."

"He called it Jumbo."

- molten_dragon

History classes would likely be far better attended if they weren't quite so sanitized.

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