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People Break Down The Scariest Theory They've Ever Heard

People Break Down The Scariest Theory They've Ever Heard
Photo by Kamil Feczko on Unsplash

How often do you find yourself lying awake at night thinking of all the things that unsettle you or even creep you out? Once you start, it's difficult to stop, right?

A lot?

Phew.

Not just me, then.

Redditor BiblicalBible asked the online community,

“What's the scariest theory you know about?"

People told us about the theories that keep their minds spinning long after they should have fallen asleep.


“Don’t some animals...”

If the human body senses trauma it is unable to combat, it will switch off metabolism, pump endorphins, and slip into a pain free dissociative state.

In essence, shutting down. Its been seen in air crashes and lots of places really.

Basically your body can switch itself off.

Iamnotarobot

“I suffer from PTSD...”

I suffer from PTSD from working in conflict zones. When you're continuously working in these regions, your body pushes past the pain and difficulties you encounter. It modifies your life to always expect danger and as such it normalises what you see to cope.

But what really hurts, is when you come home. The switch your brain makes from survival cannot be processed buying groceries or taking a gentle walk. It thinks that the changes it made in areas of fighting were permanent and that's why it's so difficult to go back to 'normal.’

So basically, when I was abroad, I felt no pain and the scary part is, I felt invincible. Being back home, I'm in a world of mental anguish and feel like a paper house.

Tyboyo

“During the Challenger accident...”

During the Challenger accident from 1986, whenever the shuttle exploded, the ground crews had the astronauts EKG's and vital scans....after the explosion, the astronauts were still alive. Theory has it that they were cognizant the entire time until they crashed in the ocean.

Seanh47

“I find numbers stations...”

I find numbers stations to be pretty creepy.

Their purpose is technically a theory, as the groups that broadcast them won't officially confirm even their existence for the most part.

Essentially, spying is still a very real thing for most world governments. One of the most foolproof ways of delivering a coded message is through a one-time code - a code used just once before being discarded. Your spy has the key, you have the message, and once the key is used it is discarded and the next message is sent using a different key. Additionally, shortwave radio is an extremely secure way of sending these messages.

It sounds weird, that a radio station anyone with a shortwave radio can listen to, would be considered 'secure'. But the beauty of the method is that shortwave radios are ubiquitous, cheap technology throughout most of the world. What looks more suspicious - a person traveling with a radio, or a person traveling with a sophisticated computer or satellite phone? While the signal can be received by anyone, it leaves no record of who received it and can't be intercepted and traced by a middleman. They don't care if you listen, because the stream of numbers is nothing without the code, and because you're using a one-time code, it can't be cracked as it's randomly generated and used once. The only time a one-time code has ever been broken was an instance where the code was re-used.

So your spy just tunes in to the radio at a specific time on a specific day, writes down the numbers. Decodes the message, discards the key, and no one is any the wiser. Most stations are identified by a call sign or little jingle, and these can range from kind of cute and cheerful to pretty eerie sounding. If you listen in frequently, you'll hear messages repeated over and over until one day they change up - it's believed they'll repeat the message until their spy can communicate they've received it. Essentially, if you have a shortwave radio, you can listen in on highly secret spy communications from countries all over the world. You can also listen in on countries jamming the communication, either by broadcasting state radio on the same signal, or trying to jam it with noise or static.

You'd think the frequency of these transmissions would have gone down after the Cold War, but they're still going strong! The very first numbers stations appeared in the very early days of radio, during World War I. I find it fascinating, but also super creepy, that all of this secret communication is happening right out in the open, for us to tune in to at any time, without any way of knowing who it is intended for or what is being transmitted.

Titinbulation

“If you die...”

If you die by being beheaded the last thing you might see is your decapitated body.

Groov99

“In the past...”

In the past when executions by beheading were still a thing, they would usually tie a piece of cloth around the condemned's eyes so that they couldn't see anything. They were also placed in a way that the neck faced upwards with a basket for the head to fall in face forward. So basically the last thing you'd see (if you'd see at all) would be the bottom of the basket.

Do-Vanci

The dark forest theory. This explains the Fremi paradox, why we haven't seen any other advanced life forms despite the vastness of the universe. Other advanced life forms don't send out signals into the rest of the universe because they're worried that something more advanced and dangerous is going to find them first. There's another idea that other civilizations know there's something out there but don't send any signals because it has no reason to not wipeout the entire planet.

There's a science fiction book based on this and I think this quote explains it better than I can:

"The universe is a dark forest. Every civilization is an armed hunter stalking through the trees like a ghost, gently pushing aside branches that block the path and trying to tread without sound. Even breathing is done with care. The hunter has to be careful, because everywhere in the forest are stealthy hunters like him. If he finds another life—another hunter, angel, or a demon, a delicate infant to tottering old man, a fairy or demigod—there's only one thing he can do: open fire and eliminate them."

Iloveruby29

Cosmology can be disturbing.

For instance, I recently learned of dead end trips. There are some destinations that you shouldn't try for. It's possible to travel so far away from where you started, that the expansion of the universe will exceed the speed you were travelling at.

You can't return home, because home is receding faster than you can travel.

You can't reach your destination, because it too is receding faster than you can travel.

You can no longer get anywhere, only get further away from everything.

You cannot reach any destination, even if you travel forever.

Sexycoed1972

“A lot of comments...”

A lot of comments bringing up the Fermi paradox to explain the lack of evidence of extraterrestrial life, when by all accounts we should be seeing alien life all over the universe.

Here's another, unsettling, explanation: if you're scuba diving above a coral reef, and you know that there SHOULD be fish all around you, but you don't see any, it's most likely that they have learned that for some reason it's important not to be seen.

And since you're a newcomer to this environment, chances are it's not you they're hiding from.

AndysBrotherDan

"You will or have been..."

There is only one consciousness in this world. You are all of them. You are living the live of every living being. You are living your life, the lifes of your neighbors, your enemies, everyone you don't even know. You have also been living the lifes of everyone in the past and the future and you are me! Time is just to keep everything in a loose order. In every conversation you have, you are both participants. You will or have been perceiving it from the other point of view before youre birth or after your dead.

Ben_BenOnly

"Probably the scariest theory I know about..."

This one is pretty rough so use your imagination,

Probably the scariest theory I know about is that if someone ever truly finds out why we are here and all the questions of the universe and how it was made, the universe will instantly be wiped and everything and everyone in it will disappear and nobody will ever know what happened or if this has already happened and a completely new and even weirder universe will be created and life will restart from the beginning but many thongs will change.

There is also another theory that this has already happened and that we are one of many failed universes waiting to the wiped out when someone finds out what truly happens, pretty scary to me.

Happy_Floor11

"You see..."

I have often gotten creeped out by this thing. There is now a theory that there are universes away from us in a direction that is an extra dimension.

You see, the distance to someone in that extra dimension could be less than an inch. And you can't see them at all.

But THEY can not only see you, but they can see your heart and the insides of your rectum and the insides of every cell of your body.

tomtac

"In my youth..."

Okay, here's a theory I had waaay back when I used to be religious.

In my youth I often wondered why God created such a vast universe if humans were only confined to Earth. I'd ask this question to older believers and I'd get non-answers such as "It demonstrates the glory of God!' of "the human mind cannot fathom God's reasons" or other such bullshit. It was their way of saying "I don't know" without saying "I don't know."Eventually I formed my own theory. Bear in mind this theory assumes God exists and the Bible is literal so take it as you will.

Christianity teaches that man was originally immortal but sinned and God sentenced man to death. If man hadn't sinned, he would not have lost his immortality. If mankind was immortal and was told by God to "be fruitful and multiply" then it would only take a few centuries till the earth became overcrowded. So my theory was that God originally created the universe to be as large as it is to accommodate an ever expanding human population.

So, yeah, I formulated that one back when I was still brainwashed by religion and had yet to discover the importance of critical thought. Have fun dissecting it. I know it's not scary as a theory. What is scary is that I believed it.

BiterBlast

"I actually don't see how..."

The scariest/creepiest theory I know is the conclusion I've come to after having studied religion and spirituality, then philosophy, then psychology:

That all human activity, beliefs, feelings, wars, religions, relationships--everything humans ever do, think, or feel is a direct result of the perfect and complete "cognitive dissonance" (trauma) caused by the fact that we are biologically driven to survive at all cost, yet we know we will die no matter what; and that any truly "mentally healthy" human being who was consistently able to fully face that fact would live a life of total and constant terror.

I actually don't see how this theory could be false, even in the case of people who sacrifice their own lives for something. None of us has any reason to consider anything we do as being sane rather than insane, because all of us are in an absolutely unacceptable situation which we have no choice but to accept.

poverello78

"So how much control do we have?"

We live in a computer simulation.

Okay, this one isn't necessarily that bad, it's more about what it means.

Here's the lowdown: We invented computers and started working on things like artificial intelligence and video games. Now consider how many strides we've made in the last fifty years, let alone century; we've gone from simple executable code with repeated patterns to artificial intelligence that's sophisticated to hunt you down in a video game. The AI in Alien Isolation (Which I'm using as an example) is sophisticated enough to learn your patterns; use the flamethrower too many times, it'll hide out of reach. Hide in too many lockers? It'll learn to search them. Throw too many noisemakers? It'll learn to ignore them. Compare what it's capable of compared to the enemies even ten years prior. What will we achieve in another ten years? Twenty? Fifty?

Basically, it's likely that (barring extinction) we'll eventually create a simulated universe so sophisticated, its inhabitants are (for all intents and purposes) sapient. They evolve and develop rich cultures. They create art. They seek to learn more about the world they inhabit. Barring extinction, at least one (but more likely several) species across that artificial universe will eventually invent computers, artificial intelligence, and eventually create artificial universes of their own.

If you accept that to be true then, statistically, it's far, far more likely that we're artificial than not: there's only one original universe but on a long enough timeframe trillions of artificial universes contained within each other, like a nesting doll, each filled with sapient creatures eventually creating at least one artificial universe of their own.

So how much control do we have? Is global warming a mechanic in a video game? Are elections and wars special events? Have you ever intentionally killed a sim? Imagine that on a universal scale, where a player (or a group of them) decides to see what will happen if an Archduke gets assassinated, or if a deadly virus gets released?

If this is true (and statistically it's far more likely than the alternative) then there is a creator, but it's not some wise, all-knowing, benevolent deity, it's a sapient creature (or group of them) with all the fallibility that entails.

video_kid

Some of theories will keep us up at night!

Do you have similar experiences? Let us know in the comments below.

People Who Wouldn't Quit Their Job If They Won The Lottery Explain What They Do

Reddit user BITE_AU_CHOCOLAT asked: 'People who wouldn't quit their job even if you won the lottery, what's your job?'

lottery tickets
Erik Mclean on Unsplash

A lot of workers daydream about some day winning the lottery and being able to say goodbye to their job.

Far too many workers are unhappy with their job duties, workplace dynamics or company culture.

But with a taste for luxuries like housing and food, they keep plugging away, year after year.

However not everyone feels that way about their job.

So what are these compelling careers?

Keep reading... Show less
Therapist talking during session
Photo by Mark Williams on Unsplash

Some people stand firmly stand behind their beliefs that everyone would benefit from therapy and that therapy is life-changing.

It's because of the totally life-changing truth bombs their therapist had dropped during their sessions.

Curious, Redditor anonymiss0018 asked:

"What is a little bombshell your therapist dropped in one of your sessions that completely changed your outlook?"

Communication Issues

"'If you don’t have these problems with any other person in your life, why do you think you’re the problematic person in this one?'"

- maggiebear

"I love this. I have a 'friend' who I always seem to run into misunderstandings with. Every time we had a conversation, it somehow turned into a debate even if it was me talking about my day. The conversations were never easy."

"I always evaluate myself first and take into consideration his critiques. He was very good at convincing me that I was contradicting myself or wasn't good at communicating my thoughts."

"I NEVER had this issue with ANYONE else in my life. I kept trying to figure out where the miscommunication was coming from. In the end, I just minimized contact and now I don't run into this issue."

- chobani_yo

"I read this quote somewhere once (and probably have it a bit wrong): 'It's a waste of time arguing with someone who is determined to misunderstand you.'"

- Reddit

Emotional Regulation

"'You can’t control your emotions, but you can control what you do with them.'"

"At the time, I was a young adult who had learned zero healthy emotional regulation skills (only suppression and shaming) growing up, so this blew my mind."

- lil_mermaid

Tough Relationships

"'It sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself to stay with your girlfriend. I'm not so sure it should be so difficult.'"

"At the time he said this, I remember it was like he said, 'The earth is flat.' I thought he was crazy when he suggested relationships don't need to be difficult. But eventually, I started to realize I was trying to change myself to stay with this person rather than just being who I am."

"It took me three more months to finally break up with her but from that day on, I vowed to never again abandon myself just to be with someone I had convinced myself was better than me."

- metric88

High-Stress Situation

"I was at a high-stress time, and I asked her how people live like this."

"She replied, 'Oftentimes they have cardiac events.' She said it as an urging to care for myself as much as possible."

- KittenGr8r

The End of Alcohol

"I was struggling with my alcoholism, and we were discussing how I had been cutting back."

"She asked what I would consider success, with regard to my drinking."

"I said I wanted to get to a point where it wasn't interfering with my daily life. I wanted to just be able to have a glass of wine at holiday dinners or family gatherings."

"She simply asked me why. Why was it important for me to drink at those times?"

"It was as if she'd turned on a light. Alcohol had always been a key ingredient in every family function, for my entire life. When I smell bourbon, I think of my uncle. When I smell vermouth, I think of my dad. Alcohol ran through almost every happy childhood memory."

"But, even more than that, I was very afraid of the explanation I'd have to give when family and friends asked why I wasn't having a drink. I had tried to quit before but failed. What if I admitted my problem, only to fall off the wagon?"

"When she asked why I didn't want to completely quit, it was the first time I saw that last part of the big picture. I'd be willing to drink myself to death in order to avoid being scrutinized, or judged for possible future failures."

"That was the day I quit. I've been sober since May 6th, 2017. 2,407 days."

- sophies_wish

Acceptance vs. Enjoyment

"'Accepting something doesn’t mean you have to like it.'"

"That took away a lot of my inner conflicts about situations because I could accept a situation without expending energy internally fighting against the injustice of it."

- alibelloc

Emotionally Immature Parents

"You are not responsible for your parents' emotional wellbeing. They are independent adults who have been on this earth for many more years than you."

- SmokedPears

Not So Lazy

"'Why do you think you're lazy?' Then she listed off all the things she knows I'm doing for my family, my job, and my life."

"It kind of blew my mind when I struggled to come up with an example."

"She also described family dysfunction as water. Some families are messed up in a way that everyone can see the huge waves across the surface. Others are better at hiding it, but there's still a riptide that you can't see unless you're also in the water."

"It made me realize that trying to keep the surface from ever rippling doesn't erase what is happening underneath."

- flybyknight665

The Harm in People-Pleasing

"'Why do you make people more comfortable when you are uncomfortable?' when talking about people pleasing and fawning."

- ERsandwich

Agree to Disagree

"'Stop trying to get everyone to agree. When you need everyone to agree, the least agreeable person has all the power.'"

This really changed my outlook on planning family events."

- freef

Grieve and Start Anew

"For context, I had a major TBI (traumatic brain injury), seizures, strokes, and all around not a fun brain time when I was 28."

"They said, 'You have to grieve the loss of yourself.'"

"Most people wanted me to go back to how I was. The f**ked up truth is that part of my brain is dead. The person everyone (including myself) knew died. I needed to grieve the loss of myself."

- squeaktoy_la

Multifaceted Identity

"They told me that my job and career is just a way to make money; it's not my life or identity. That took a lot of pressure off me."

- unfairpegasus

Breaking the Cycle

"They validated me."

"'You always talk about not wanting to do to your daughters what your mom did to you. You worry about it so much in every interaction you have ever had with them."

"But your children are 19 and 21 now. They are happy and healthy and they trust you because you’ve never abused them in any way. So I just want to validate for you that you really have broken that cycle of violence."

"You did that. And you should be proud of it. I’m proud of you for it.'"

- puppsmcgee74

The Grieving Process

"I was constantly bringing up how I felt like a completely different person after my mom died... like there was a marked difference between before and after her death."

"But once, she was asking about my hobbies, I got really into describing all the things I loved to do or at least used to do before I got into a deep depression."

"She was like, 'Wow, you seem very passionate.'"

"And I just sat there like, 'Well, I mean, I can't change what I like to do, they're still fun to do.'"

"And it's like she knew when to take a step back, because it was like, wow, I may be super depressed about my mom passing, but I'm still me. I'm still my passions and those don't go away."

"I don't know, maybe it only makes sense to be, but it really started getting me back on track."

- Hannibal680

Sharing the Load

"I've never really had friends. I've had colleagues and classmates and housemates and people who have hung out with me, but I never really felt close to any of them."

"And I did that thing you see on here sometimes; I stopped reaching out to see if I would be reached out to, and I wasn't, which I took as confirmation that they didn't really want me around, or at the very least, that they wouldn't mind my absence."

"I was talking to my therapist about people I'd been close to in college, and she told me to pick one and talk about him. So I did. After I shared some basic stuff like his name and his major etc., and a couple of anecdotes, she asked me what else I knew about him."

"And I couldn't answer. It wasn't really a broadly applicable bombshell, but she said, 'What else?' and I started crying because I realized that for as simple as the question was, my inability to answer spoke volumes."

"I've never had good friends because I've never been a good friend. I'm withdrawn and reserved and I always made others do the work to drag me out, without ever extending my own friendship in a meaningful way in return. If I wanted to have meaningful relationships with other people, I would have to build them."

"I'm still working on this, but I'm trying to make more offers and extend more friendliness to others in my daily life."

- Backupusername

The discoveries in this thread were incredibly touching and profound; it's no wonder these were lasting concepts for these Redditors.

It's important to keep ourselves open to inspiration and insights from others, as we have no idea how their experiences could help us, or how we could help them.

Aerial view of a church in a small town
Sander Weeteling/Unsplash

There's something comforting about living in a small town.

It's characterized by close communities where neighbors know each other by name and there is an abundance of kindness extended to others.

Gift-giving is a commonality, as is the sharing of recipes, and people going out of their way to help each other in a time of need.

The pace of living in small towns is also a striking contradiction to city life, where crowds of people go about their busy lives without much interaction.

Curious to hear more examples of what small town living is like, Redditor official_biz asked:

"What's the most 'small town' thing you've witnessed?"

These are positive examples of a tight-knit community.

Live Updates

"We have a village Facebook page. Every time the ice cream man drives into the village, the entire page goes ballistic. People send live updates of where the van is and which direction he's heading. The ice cream man has started accepting DMs so he knows which streets to go down."

– PyrrhuraMolinae

Brush With The Law

"I’m from a town of less than 2,000 people. When I worked at the grocery store there people would often drop off stuff for my family members because they didn’t want to drive all the way down to our house. I no longer live there but recently got a call from my daughter. She had been stopped for speeding and handed over her license and insurance which happens to be in my mother’s name. The officer goes 'Hey, you’re Donnie’s granddaughter! I ain’t gonna write you a ticket but I’m telling Donnie when I see him tomorrow cause we’re going fishing.' She replied 'I think I’d rather have the ticket.'”

- Reddit

Roadside Catchup

"The traffic on the 'main street' of my town is so sparse, two drivers going opposite directions can stop and talk to each other for a few minutes without causing any problem."

– anon

When things go wrong, people take notice without incident.

Bank Robbery

"A guy robbed a bank and everyone knew immediately who he was and the teller got mad at him."

– AlexRyang

"A local bank was robbed and one of the tellers told the police to bring her a yearbook from about ten years earlier and she would be able to point the robber out. He had been in the grade before hers in school."

– Strict_Condition_632

Wise Woman

"When I worked at the bank in town there was an older lady that had worked there through 5 mergers."

"She knew everyone, there was a young guy yelling at me one day. She walked out of the back and he immediately quieted. She went off about telling his grandmother that he was treating young women like sh*t. She also said that if he didn’t straighten up not one girl in town would ever marry him she would make sure of it."

– ilurvekittens

Intoxicated Local

"Town drunk was paralyzed and used a motorized wheelchair to get around. I was driving home one Saturday night and said town drunk was passed out in his wheelchair doing circles almost directly in the town square. Had to call his brother who came and picked him up on a rollback truck. Strapped him down and drove off into the cold dark night."

– DoodooExplosion

Grazing Over To The Bar

"In my former small town, there was an older guy who'd lost his license after getting a few DUIs. Every day, he would ride his John Deere lawnmower to the corner bar around 3PM and sit around watching TV and sipping his beer well into the night. Then he'd head the couple miles back home on his mower. He even had a little canvass shell he put on when it rained or got too cold."

– brown_pleated_slacks

It's not surprising how small town people behave differently than those who are from metropolitan areas.

Welcoming Committee

"I lived in a small town. When I moved there, people would ask, 'Whose house did you buy?'"

–MoonieNine

"Move to a small town. 30 years later, you are still the new guy."

– impiousdrifter

"I lived in a small town for most of my childhood but I wasn't "from there" because my grandparents weren't from there."

– raisinghellwithtrees

"Worked with an older guy, relative of the owner of the business, he was 73. I asked him if he was a local, he said 'no his parents moved here when he was two.'"

– realneil

A Busy Day

"Lived in a town of about 5,000: A woman walked into the DMV on a Friday, saw that there were 3 people ahead of her and left to come back another time when they weren't so busy."

– KenmoreToast

Who Let The Dogs Out?

"My dogs got out while i was working. the police called my niece's elementary school (she was a 5th grader) to get her to round them up and take them back home."

– mediocrelpn

"There was a small kennel behind the police station for runaways. They called us saying they had our dog, and moments later our dog showed up home. He broke out of jail."

– Worried_Place_917

While life in a small town sounds appealing, I don't know if I can ever live in one.

I'm so used to life in big cities, I think it would be quite unnerving to adjust in a neighborhood where everyone literally knows your business.

I would be paranoid.

And I'm sure the same could be said of life in the big city.

Would you consider making the switch to life in a different setting?

Two women laughing
Photo by Dave George on Unsplash

Every now and then, a friend of ours might say something, or we might overhear a complete stranger say something that makes us stop in our tracks.

More often than not, what we can't believe we just heard is something so ridiculous, we can't help but put the person who said it in their place.

Other times, however, what we just heard might have stunned us silent because of how shockingly clever it was.

Resulting in our not wanting to scold or yell at someone, but rather give them a handshake.

Redditor SubmergingOriginal was curious to hear the sharpest and wittiest things they've ever heard, from friends and strangers alike, leading them to ask:

"Enough with the dumbest; what is the wittiest thing you've ever heard someone say?"

Don't Give Me So Much Credit...

'I was on a team at work that was on a project working insane overtime."

"One night after an 80-90 hour week, we were all sitting around the table trying to finish up so we could go home."

"Around 11, my buddy's wife called, dubious about the hours he'd been keeping."

"We heard her through the line - 'are you cheating on me?'"

"Exasperated, he looked at our boss, then replied 'honey, if I was cheating on you, I would have been home by now'."- lionbatcher

Eternal Optimism...

"Asked a blind guy if he'd been blind his whole life."

"He said 'Not yet'."- Feeling_Mode_6465

Free time Isn't The Only Thing He Has On His Hands...

"My brother got a vasectomy and when the doctor was releasing him and giving him instructions (with the nurse listening in), one of the orders was to 'come back and have a follow-up appointment after you’ve ejaculated 30 times'.”

"Without missing a beat my brother asked 'what time do you open tomorrow?'”

"The nurse couldn’t keep it together after hearing that."- UtahUtopia

Awkward Season 8 GIF by The Office Giphy

Double Whammy!

"My pal uses the phrase 'he doesn’t look strong enough to carry information' and it cracks me up every time."

"Calling someone stupid and weak in one fell swoop."- JennyW93

Can't Hide Your DNA...

'Whenever I jokingly insult my mum, she says 'that must be where you get it from'."

"She cracked the code."

"I can never offend her without offending myself."- JennyW93

Self-Sufficient!

"My brother was a line cook at a New Orleans restaurant."

"My mom was in town, staying at a fancy hotel, and he stopped by after work, still wearing his kitchen whites."

"He was reading a newspaper in the lobby waiting for her to come down when the shocked lobby manager sputtered at him, 'MAY I HELP YOU!?!?'

"He answered, 'thanks, but I know how to read',” and went back to his paper."- jobrody

Morph Current Affairs GIF by Aardman Animations Giphy

A Miracle!

"My brother-in-law’s comment."

"The entire family went out for my mother’s 80th birthday and after the meal we all went to a local park, largely occupied by the elderly, to rest."

"My mother needed crutches at this point, and they were resting against her bench."

"My 10-year-old niece, who looked like every starving waif image from Dickens, grabbed the crutches and started hobbling round the park."

"All the OAPs were following her progress with looks of pity until my brother ran up behind her, and kicked away the crutches."

"There was an audible gasp from round the park and then my niece picked the crutches back up and started chasing my brother, clearly intending to hit him."

"In the confused silence my brother-in-law’s voice rang out 'Praise be! She can walk again!'"

"We still think this was the highlight of the birthday celebrations."- DdraigGwyn

Still Legal, Whichever Way You Cut It...

"I picked up my pleasantly tipsy boyfriend from a nightclub."

"We were stopped by the Police for a random breath test."

"They asked me my age, and I said, 33."

"My bf blurted out '33? You told me you were 22'."

"Police just laughed and let me go."- Aggravating-Corgi379

Music Video Police GIF by Andrew W. K. Giphy

A Bit Too On The Nose?

"Business law class in college years ago, talking about the issues that black Americans had before the Civil Rights."

"Amendment, trying to travel through the south with the discrimination so rampant, trying to find restaurants to serve them and decent lodgings."

"My instructor was posing a hypothetical: 'So you pull up out front of this place, you're exhausted from driving for hours, and you see the sign out front says 'Ku Klux Klan Motel'."

"'What would you expect to find there?'"

"Without missing a beat, from the back of the room came this gem: "'Extra sheets in every room?'"- NedsAtomicDB

Not Yet, Anyway...

"I was working with my friend and his dad."

"My friend (26) heard an ice cream truck near where we were working."

"He asked his dad if he could have a couple dollars."

"His dad asked, 'what for?'"

"My friend told his dad that there was an ice cream truck in the neighborhood, and that they were playing music."

"My friends dad told him "'They don't charge anything to listen to the music'."- tatersalad1234567890

Words Escape You In The Literal "Heat" Of The Moment...

"A friend of mine is a teacher and her husband is known for his wit."

"She told this story to him:"

"One day at school a kid took the hall pass and returned reeking like smoke."

"She asked the kid if he’d been smoking and he denied it over and over."

"She was about to send him to the office when she noticed smoke coming from somewhere."

"She told the kid and he realized that he didn’t put his cig out completely and it was burning in his pants pocket."

"The kid noticed and frantically tried to put it out and someone finally poured water on it."

"Her husband sat listening to this with a weird look on his face."

"She asked him what was wrong."

“'What’s wrong???'"

"'This was probably the only chance you’ll have in your life to say literally, ‘liar,liar, pants on fire’ and you missed your chance'."- Luder714

On Fire No GIF by PEEKASSO Giphy

Amazing What You Might Say A Few Drinks In...

"When I went to a renaissance faire once, I went to a beer tent and ordered a Newcastle Brown Ale (seemed the most fitting for the surroundings)."

"The beer wench, without skipping a beat, said, 'Everyone wants a Newcastle - no one wants to remodel!'"- jayhof52

Read The Room People!

"My dad wiped out when skiing down a mountain and lost a ski."

"After a few minutes of hunting for it, he gives up, slings the one remaining ski over a shoulder and starts walking down the mountain in his ski boots."

"About half-way down, another skier stops and goes 'Gee! Did you lose a ski?'"

"My dad instantly replied 'No, I was out for a walk and found one!'"- PeterJoAl

There's a reason your mother always told you to "use your words".

As clever remarks can have a much more lasting effect on people than a push or shove.