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People Share The Scariest Stories They've Ever Heard That Are 100% Legit

Sharing scary stories is something we've almost all done. As kids, we were scared of the boogeyman, but as adults we know the scariest thing out there is plain old reality. Truth can be terrifying.


Reddit user thatwheelieguy asked:

What is the scariest story you know that is 100% true?

and the answers are honestly creepier than we expected. Some people talked about old famous cases they'd heard about, or stories passed down in the family. Some people, though, shared personal experiences that they just can't shake.

We're probably never going to look at a folded dollar bill the same way again.

Dollar Bills

I lived alone with my dogs in a brownstone in a gated community in uptown Dallas. I worked a few miles away but came home every day for lunch to let my dogs out. After living there for about a year I started smelling men's cologne really strong in my entry way and up my stairs. I figured it was my neighbor next door and didn't think anything of it.

Then one day I found a dollar bill folded lengthwise on top of my purse. I never carry cash nor have I ever folded a dollar bill lengthwise. Thought it was weird.

A few weeks later I came home and both my dogs were standing in front of my bedroom door wagging their tails and staring at the door. I figured they wanted to lay on my bed but I was in a hurry and walked them real fast and went back to work

When I came home that day there were 20 or so more of those dollar bills folded lengthwise and placed neatly around various surfaces in my room. Never in my life have I been so terrified. I grabbed my dogs and noped out of that place as fast as I could.

I called the cops, they came out, my locks were changed, but i could never be there alone again. I moved a month or so later. When I moved, I found dollar bills taped to the back of pictures on my walls, under furniture, and random places. I never figured out who or why or even how.

I think the scariest thing of all is knowing that day when I was home, whoever had been going into my house was waiting quietly in my room, folding dollar bills, and my little dogs knew it.

- dadadawn

A Random Creep

The story of Jayme Closs is terrifying. In rural Wisconsin last year, a 13-14ish year old girl went missing after her parents were murdered in their home. Police arrived within 4 minutes or so, but she is just gone.

Of course, speculation is that she was kidnapped, or that she was in on it, or dead, or whatever. Nobody knows because she has completely vanished.

88 days later, in the dead of a northern Wisconsin winter, she runs out in to the street to a woman walking her dog. She had been held captive about 40 minutes from her home.

All of that is scary enough, but here's the terrifying part...

She had never had any contact with the guy that murdered her family and abducted her. One day he was driving to a new job (at which he only lasted a day) and saw her get on the school bus. At that moment he decided that he was going to take her.

There was no warning. No grooming. There was absolutely nothing that she or her family could have done to avoid everything. A creepy young man saw her from 100' away and decided that he would murder her family and take her for himself.

- bn1979

The Blue Tent

I was walking in the woods once when I saw a blue tent - or what had once been a tent. It was torn to shreds and the poles were snapped and it was all in a messy pile in the middle of a clearing.

From a distance, it had looked like this clearing was full of cream-coloured flowers, but as I got closer I realized they were pieces of paper. Pages from Stephen King's The Shining, to be precise. They were charred around the outside as though someone had set light to them, and the fact that they were individual made it look like someone had really wanted to destroy the book.

I shrugged it off. It was a very neat setup for whatever project the film students from the nearby school would be making, I told myself. Very well done, guys, very creepy.

It made the news shortly afterwards that a man from the next town over who had been missing for a long time had finally turned up. Dead. In his blue tent in the woods.

I don't know if he was still in there when I walked past. I don't want to know.

- _cosmicomics_

View From The Fort

Giphy

I was probably 11 or 12. There was a telephone pole in our backyard that stood in the middle of our back fence. An electrician was working on it and needed access to our backyard for a couple days.

One of the nights, my best friend was over for a sleepover, and we were in the fort we made in my room. I was facing toward her, away from my bedroom door, and she gets startled and let's put kind of a halfhearted scream/yelp. She said she thought for a split second she saw a mans face peering between the sheets through the entrance to our fort. We both felt really creeped out the rest of the night but just fell asleep eventually.

The next day or so my family realized that two of our motor scooters we kept in the back were missing, and sometime later my dad recognized the "electrician" on Sacramento's top 10 wanted.

I'm pretty sure that night was the night he stole the scooters and he must have come inside the house through the back door and left or something when he realized we were awake.

- Anthophoba

The Living Room

Had a girl over for a date.

We woke up the next morning, and heard a young girl laughing hysterically in my living room.

There was no one in that f-ing living room, but we both heard it.

- Makazen

Drive Bro

After a cross country meet, my team's bus finally made it back to school pretty late at night. Not quite midnight, but pretty close. As a team we all celebrated our victory together very briefly before heading out with our respective families, however, I was one of the only athletes on that trip who had their own car. So I made the long walk down to the student parking lot with another runner that I promised to drop off on my way home.

We were talking about the meet, how she finally hit her PR, and how she appreciated me driving her home this late up till we got to my car and loaded our school stuff in the trunk. I went ahead and cranked up my car while she finished put her stuff away, when the passenger side door is thrown open and she jumps in screaming. "DRIVE BRO!"


This girl was the type to clear snakes from the cross country trails on her own initiative and shoo off coyotes from her family's chickens at night. She wasn't scared of much, and was very reserved. So when she gets in my car in a panic, and yells at me to go, I know sh!t is going down. Given her hysteria, I didn't ask why and I just slammed on the pedal and we sped out of the parking lot.

While we were exiting the parking lot, I saw a flash of what looked like two glowing red eyes like the headlights were reflecting a wild animal's eyes, and what I assume to be teeth reflecting light similarly to the eyes only white. Naturally, this sent me into what was essentially a pseudo-panic state. My heart was beating so hard I though it would crush my lungs, everything was a blur, and it was like my limbs were on autopilot. I couldn't feel my hands gripping the steering wheel, but there is still a section on it that is missing the fake leather because of how hard I was gripping it or something.

Luckily it seems that my body wouldn't allow my passenger to be hurt by my panic. We managed to drive a good ways away and turn onto the highway that runs close by our school and then turned off at an open Gas station to recover. As it turns out, my trunk was still open and we lost most of our school supplies in the mad dash out of the school.

My friend almost wouldn't talk to me, she was trembling so bad, but I managed to get her side of the account out of her.

Apparently she saw something in the football field the parking lot was adjacent to. At first she thought it was a large buck grazing on the grass, but when I cranked up my car, it stood up and turned to face us. Standing up, her best description she could think of was if Slenderman had deer antlers and was more muscle bound.

After we were both recovered enough, I drove her home and agreed to go back to school that afternoon since it was a weekend to make sure there was actually something there.

I couldn't sleep barely any that night. I hoarded a variety of weapons close to my bed, and set up Pornhub to calm myself down and distract my mind.


When the next morning came around, the girl and I waited until it was well into the day before I went to pick her up. With a newfound courage that came with the sunlight (and the somewhat illegal possession of 20 gauge shotgun on school property), we arrived at the parking lot to find all of our stuff torn to shreds like a pack of animals were looking for food.

We've never had any problems with people disappearing in my area either before or since that day, and no one else had seen anything else like that. So both of us decided to write it off as a trick of tired minds and some wild animals.

We still occasionally contact each other when we have to go out in the dark for some moral support, and as far as I know, we both carry at least a pocket knife.

- Bromonster01

Making Friends

When I was about 13 I was an adventure explorer wannabe. I used to pack a tent and survival gear to go camping up the hill about 4 miles from my house (elevated 1200ft). I set up my tent in this small field almost entirely surrounded by woods. I made my beans, went to sleep.

I was woken up at 3am to the sound of what I thought was a wild animal approaching the tent, not unusual. Went back to sleep.

Woke up at sunrise, opened the tent and found a parcel wrapped in white aged cloth, tied in straw string with a note on top 'welcome friend'. Inside the parcel is a calf leg/hoof.

I packed up my gear real quick, obviously left the creepy gift there. On the way back, it dawned on me that no one would believe me unless I had the foot. No way was I going back there so I just kept it to myself

Never told anyone about it to this day. Scared the soul out of me. Never went camping again, and didn't stop thinking about it for months.

- Amancalledcarter

Old Man

Giphy

I thought I had a dream of riding my bike in Las Vegas when I was 5 or 6. In the dream an old man walked up to me cut my arm and knocked me off my bike and I woke up at home. I had stitches on my arm and my parents later told me i was riding my bike and crashed but deep down I'm 100% sure that that man really had cut me and thrown off my bike.

I wasn't sure til I was 13-14 when my neighbor asked me if I remembered the time when he found me bleeding next to my bike. Out of curiosity I asked him if he remembered if anyone was around and he said there was an elderly man walking away from me about 20 yards ahead. To this day I'm still scared of what would have happened if my neighbor hadn't seen me in the front.

- Jaren1196238

That Building

I had this friend that lived in a trailer park. Whenever I would go to visit, I would drive in the back gravel roads. On the way there was this old, small concrete building. Run down, no doors, some walls were crumbled. I would look at it and think I wanted to check it out.

But there was always this subtle feeling that I shouldn't be in there. Every time, it gave me this lingering feeling that something was off.

I found it fenced off one day, and there was some ripped up yellow tape. I thought maybe some kids were hanging around when they shouldn't have, someone threw in some complaints, and it was blocked off. But other than that I didn't think much of it.

Some time later I'm sitting at my grandma's house, watching one of her shows. Might have been Dateline or something similar? They tell this story about a girl a county away that disappeared after a party. No one could find her for a while.

Then a kid found the clothes she was wearing that night.

It was in that building.

- ardentseraph

Weapons Testing

My grandfather fought during the invasion of the Soviet Union as a proud Hungarian soldier. I'm not disclosing his division or anything like it, but he only killed other soldiers. This is not a story about ghosts, like he once told me, or a story about his combat, also. In my opinion, it's far more creepy.

I can't recall which year was it, but they were deep into Rusland by the time. They would pass by some villages, some in which the population saw them as liberators, others in which they killed partisans as it was necessary. Well, once he passed through this one village that was stuck into his memory.

First thing he saw was an old lady sitting outside her house, her broom by her side, immobile. Then, it dawned on them that the entire village was recently dead. People had food prepared still on their plates, and all. It was like everybody simply dropped dead while doing their daily chores. He vividly remembered those two guys that looked like they were having small talk when they dropped dead.

He believes it was some kind of German or soviet chemical weapon testing. Spooky.

- opheliawasmurdered


People Who Wouldn't Quit Their Job If They Won The Lottery Explain What They Do

Reddit user BITE_AU_CHOCOLAT asked: 'People who wouldn't quit their job even if you won the lottery, what's your job?'

lottery tickets
Erik Mclean on Unsplash

A lot of workers daydream about some day winning the lottery and being able to say goodbye to their job.

Far too many workers are unhappy with their job duties, workplace dynamics or company culture.

But with a taste for luxuries like housing and food, they keep plugging away, year after year.

However not everyone feels that way about their job.

So what are these compelling careers?

Keep reading... Show less
Therapist talking during session
Photo by Mark Williams on Unsplash

Some people stand firmly stand behind their beliefs that everyone would benefit from therapy and that therapy is life-changing.

It's because of the totally life-changing truth bombs their therapist had dropped during their sessions.

Curious, Redditor anonymiss0018 asked:

"What is a little bombshell your therapist dropped in one of your sessions that completely changed your outlook?"

Communication Issues

"'If you don’t have these problems with any other person in your life, why do you think you’re the problematic person in this one?'"

- maggiebear

"I love this. I have a 'friend' who I always seem to run into misunderstandings with. Every time we had a conversation, it somehow turned into a debate even if it was me talking about my day. The conversations were never easy."

"I always evaluate myself first and take into consideration his critiques. He was very good at convincing me that I was contradicting myself or wasn't good at communicating my thoughts."

"I NEVER had this issue with ANYONE else in my life. I kept trying to figure out where the miscommunication was coming from. In the end, I just minimized contact and now I don't run into this issue."

- chobani_yo

"I read this quote somewhere once (and probably have it a bit wrong): 'It's a waste of time arguing with someone who is determined to misunderstand you.'"

- Reddit

Emotional Regulation

"'You can’t control your emotions, but you can control what you do with them.'"

"At the time, I was a young adult who had learned zero healthy emotional regulation skills (only suppression and shaming) growing up, so this blew my mind."

- lil_mermaid

Tough Relationships

"'It sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself to stay with your girlfriend. I'm not so sure it should be so difficult.'"

"At the time he said this, I remember it was like he said, 'The earth is flat.' I thought he was crazy when he suggested relationships don't need to be difficult. But eventually, I started to realize I was trying to change myself to stay with this person rather than just being who I am."

"It took me three more months to finally break up with her but from that day on, I vowed to never again abandon myself just to be with someone I had convinced myself was better than me."

- metric88

High-Stress Situation

"I was at a high-stress time, and I asked her how people live like this."

"She replied, 'Oftentimes they have cardiac events.' She said it as an urging to care for myself as much as possible."

- KittenGr8r

The End of Alcohol

"I was struggling with my alcoholism, and we were discussing how I had been cutting back."

"She asked what I would consider success, with regard to my drinking."

"I said I wanted to get to a point where it wasn't interfering with my daily life. I wanted to just be able to have a glass of wine at holiday dinners or family gatherings."

"She simply asked me why. Why was it important for me to drink at those times?"

"It was as if she'd turned on a light. Alcohol had always been a key ingredient in every family function, for my entire life. When I smell bourbon, I think of my uncle. When I smell vermouth, I think of my dad. Alcohol ran through almost every happy childhood memory."

"But, even more than that, I was very afraid of the explanation I'd have to give when family and friends asked why I wasn't having a drink. I had tried to quit before but failed. What if I admitted my problem, only to fall off the wagon?"

"When she asked why I didn't want to completely quit, it was the first time I saw that last part of the big picture. I'd be willing to drink myself to death in order to avoid being scrutinized, or judged for possible future failures."

"That was the day I quit. I've been sober since May 6th, 2017. 2,407 days."

- sophies_wish

Acceptance vs. Enjoyment

"'Accepting something doesn’t mean you have to like it.'"

"That took away a lot of my inner conflicts about situations because I could accept a situation without expending energy internally fighting against the injustice of it."

- alibelloc

Emotionally Immature Parents

"You are not responsible for your parents' emotional wellbeing. They are independent adults who have been on this earth for many more years than you."

- SmokedPears

Not So Lazy

"'Why do you think you're lazy?' Then she listed off all the things she knows I'm doing for my family, my job, and my life."

"It kind of blew my mind when I struggled to come up with an example."

"She also described family dysfunction as water. Some families are messed up in a way that everyone can see the huge waves across the surface. Others are better at hiding it, but there's still a riptide that you can't see unless you're also in the water."

"It made me realize that trying to keep the surface from ever rippling doesn't erase what is happening underneath."

- flybyknight665

The Harm in People-Pleasing

"'Why do you make people more comfortable when you are uncomfortable?' when talking about people pleasing and fawning."

- ERsandwich

Agree to Disagree

"'Stop trying to get everyone to agree. When you need everyone to agree, the least agreeable person has all the power.'"

This really changed my outlook on planning family events."

- freef

Grieve and Start Anew

"For context, I had a major TBI (traumatic brain injury), seizures, strokes, and all around not a fun brain time when I was 28."

"They said, 'You have to grieve the loss of yourself.'"

"Most people wanted me to go back to how I was. The f**ked up truth is that part of my brain is dead. The person everyone (including myself) knew died. I needed to grieve the loss of myself."

- squeaktoy_la

Multifaceted Identity

"They told me that my job and career is just a way to make money; it's not my life or identity. That took a lot of pressure off me."

- unfairpegasus

Breaking the Cycle

"They validated me."

"'You always talk about not wanting to do to your daughters what your mom did to you. You worry about it so much in every interaction you have ever had with them."

"But your children are 19 and 21 now. They are happy and healthy and they trust you because you’ve never abused them in any way. So I just want to validate for you that you really have broken that cycle of violence."

"You did that. And you should be proud of it. I’m proud of you for it.'"

- puppsmcgee74

The Grieving Process

"I was constantly bringing up how I felt like a completely different person after my mom died... like there was a marked difference between before and after her death."

"But once, she was asking about my hobbies, I got really into describing all the things I loved to do or at least used to do before I got into a deep depression."

"She was like, 'Wow, you seem very passionate.'"

"And I just sat there like, 'Well, I mean, I can't change what I like to do, they're still fun to do.'"

"And it's like she knew when to take a step back, because it was like, wow, I may be super depressed about my mom passing, but I'm still me. I'm still my passions and those don't go away."

"I don't know, maybe it only makes sense to be, but it really started getting me back on track."

- Hannibal680

Sharing the Load

"I've never really had friends. I've had colleagues and classmates and housemates and people who have hung out with me, but I never really felt close to any of them."

"And I did that thing you see on here sometimes; I stopped reaching out to see if I would be reached out to, and I wasn't, which I took as confirmation that they didn't really want me around, or at the very least, that they wouldn't mind my absence."

"I was talking to my therapist about people I'd been close to in college, and she told me to pick one and talk about him. So I did. After I shared some basic stuff like his name and his major etc., and a couple of anecdotes, she asked me what else I knew about him."

"And I couldn't answer. It wasn't really a broadly applicable bombshell, but she said, 'What else?' and I started crying because I realized that for as simple as the question was, my inability to answer spoke volumes."

"I've never had good friends because I've never been a good friend. I'm withdrawn and reserved and I always made others do the work to drag me out, without ever extending my own friendship in a meaningful way in return. If I wanted to have meaningful relationships with other people, I would have to build them."

"I'm still working on this, but I'm trying to make more offers and extend more friendliness to others in my daily life."

- Backupusername

The discoveries in this thread were incredibly touching and profound; it's no wonder these were lasting concepts for these Redditors.

It's important to keep ourselves open to inspiration and insights from others, as we have no idea how their experiences could help us, or how we could help them.

Aerial view of a church in a small town
Sander Weeteling/Unsplash

There's something comforting about living in a small town.

It's characterized by close communities where neighbors know each other by name and there is an abundance of kindness extended to others.

Gift-giving is a commonality, as is the sharing of recipes, and people going out of their way to help each other in a time of need.

The pace of living in small towns is also a striking contradiction to city life, where crowds of people go about their busy lives without much interaction.

Curious to hear more examples of what small town living is like, Redditor official_biz asked:

"What's the most 'small town' thing you've witnessed?"

These are positive examples of a tight-knit community.

Live Updates

"We have a village Facebook page. Every time the ice cream man drives into the village, the entire page goes ballistic. People send live updates of where the van is and which direction he's heading. The ice cream man has started accepting DMs so he knows which streets to go down."

– PyrrhuraMolinae

Brush With The Law

"I’m from a town of less than 2,000 people. When I worked at the grocery store there people would often drop off stuff for my family members because they didn’t want to drive all the way down to our house. I no longer live there but recently got a call from my daughter. She had been stopped for speeding and handed over her license and insurance which happens to be in my mother’s name. The officer goes 'Hey, you’re Donnie’s granddaughter! I ain’t gonna write you a ticket but I’m telling Donnie when I see him tomorrow cause we’re going fishing.' She replied 'I think I’d rather have the ticket.'”

- Reddit

Roadside Catchup

"The traffic on the 'main street' of my town is so sparse, two drivers going opposite directions can stop and talk to each other for a few minutes without causing any problem."

– anon

When things go wrong, people take notice without incident.

Bank Robbery

"A guy robbed a bank and everyone knew immediately who he was and the teller got mad at him."

– AlexRyang

"A local bank was robbed and one of the tellers told the police to bring her a yearbook from about ten years earlier and she would be able to point the robber out. He had been in the grade before hers in school."

– Strict_Condition_632

Wise Woman

"When I worked at the bank in town there was an older lady that had worked there through 5 mergers."

"She knew everyone, there was a young guy yelling at me one day. She walked out of the back and he immediately quieted. She went off about telling his grandmother that he was treating young women like sh*t. She also said that if he didn’t straighten up not one girl in town would ever marry him she would make sure of it."

– ilurvekittens

Intoxicated Local

"Town drunk was paralyzed and used a motorized wheelchair to get around. I was driving home one Saturday night and said town drunk was passed out in his wheelchair doing circles almost directly in the town square. Had to call his brother who came and picked him up on a rollback truck. Strapped him down and drove off into the cold dark night."

– DoodooExplosion

Grazing Over To The Bar

"In my former small town, there was an older guy who'd lost his license after getting a few DUIs. Every day, he would ride his John Deere lawnmower to the corner bar around 3PM and sit around watching TV and sipping his beer well into the night. Then he'd head the couple miles back home on his mower. He even had a little canvass shell he put on when it rained or got too cold."

– brown_pleated_slacks

It's not surprising how small town people behave differently than those who are from metropolitan areas.

Welcoming Committee

"I lived in a small town. When I moved there, people would ask, 'Whose house did you buy?'"

–MoonieNine

"Move to a small town. 30 years later, you are still the new guy."

– impiousdrifter

"I lived in a small town for most of my childhood but I wasn't "from there" because my grandparents weren't from there."

– raisinghellwithtrees

"Worked with an older guy, relative of the owner of the business, he was 73. I asked him if he was a local, he said 'no his parents moved here when he was two.'"

– realneil

A Busy Day

"Lived in a town of about 5,000: A woman walked into the DMV on a Friday, saw that there were 3 people ahead of her and left to come back another time when they weren't so busy."

– KenmoreToast

Who Let The Dogs Out?

"My dogs got out while i was working. the police called my niece's elementary school (she was a 5th grader) to get her to round them up and take them back home."

– mediocrelpn

"There was a small kennel behind the police station for runaways. They called us saying they had our dog, and moments later our dog showed up home. He broke out of jail."

– Worried_Place_917

While life in a small town sounds appealing, I don't know if I can ever live in one.

I'm so used to life in big cities, I think it would be quite unnerving to adjust in a neighborhood where everyone literally knows your business.

I would be paranoid.

And I'm sure the same could be said of life in the big city.

Would you consider making the switch to life in a different setting?

Two women laughing
Photo by Dave George on Unsplash

Every now and then, a friend of ours might say something, or we might overhear a complete stranger say something that makes us stop in our tracks.

More often than not, what we can't believe we just heard is something so ridiculous, we can't help but put the person who said it in their place.

Other times, however, what we just heard might have stunned us silent because of how shockingly clever it was.

Resulting in our not wanting to scold or yell at someone, but rather give them a handshake.

Redditor SubmergingOriginal was curious to hear the sharpest and wittiest things they've ever heard, from friends and strangers alike, leading them to ask:

"Enough with the dumbest; what is the wittiest thing you've ever heard someone say?"

Don't Give Me So Much Credit...

'I was on a team at work that was on a project working insane overtime."

"One night after an 80-90 hour week, we were all sitting around the table trying to finish up so we could go home."

"Around 11, my buddy's wife called, dubious about the hours he'd been keeping."

"We heard her through the line - 'are you cheating on me?'"

"Exasperated, he looked at our boss, then replied 'honey, if I was cheating on you, I would have been home by now'."- lionbatcher

Eternal Optimism...

"Asked a blind guy if he'd been blind his whole life."

"He said 'Not yet'."- Feeling_Mode_6465

Free time Isn't The Only Thing He Has On His Hands...

"My brother got a vasectomy and when the doctor was releasing him and giving him instructions (with the nurse listening in), one of the orders was to 'come back and have a follow-up appointment after you’ve ejaculated 30 times'.”

"Without missing a beat my brother asked 'what time do you open tomorrow?'”

"The nurse couldn’t keep it together after hearing that."- UtahUtopia

Awkward Season 8 GIF by The Office Giphy

Double Whammy!

"My pal uses the phrase 'he doesn’t look strong enough to carry information' and it cracks me up every time."

"Calling someone stupid and weak in one fell swoop."- JennyW93

Can't Hide Your DNA...

'Whenever I jokingly insult my mum, she says 'that must be where you get it from'."

"She cracked the code."

"I can never offend her without offending myself."- JennyW93

Self-Sufficient!

"My brother was a line cook at a New Orleans restaurant."

"My mom was in town, staying at a fancy hotel, and he stopped by after work, still wearing his kitchen whites."

"He was reading a newspaper in the lobby waiting for her to come down when the shocked lobby manager sputtered at him, 'MAY I HELP YOU!?!?'

"He answered, 'thanks, but I know how to read',” and went back to his paper."- jobrody

Morph Current Affairs GIF by Aardman Animations Giphy

A Miracle!

"My brother-in-law’s comment."

"The entire family went out for my mother’s 80th birthday and after the meal we all went to a local park, largely occupied by the elderly, to rest."

"My mother needed crutches at this point, and they were resting against her bench."

"My 10-year-old niece, who looked like every starving waif image from Dickens, grabbed the crutches and started hobbling round the park."

"All the OAPs were following her progress with looks of pity until my brother ran up behind her, and kicked away the crutches."

"There was an audible gasp from round the park and then my niece picked the crutches back up and started chasing my brother, clearly intending to hit him."

"In the confused silence my brother-in-law’s voice rang out 'Praise be! She can walk again!'"

"We still think this was the highlight of the birthday celebrations."- DdraigGwyn

Still Legal, Whichever Way You Cut It...

"I picked up my pleasantly tipsy boyfriend from a nightclub."

"We were stopped by the Police for a random breath test."

"They asked me my age, and I said, 33."

"My bf blurted out '33? You told me you were 22'."

"Police just laughed and let me go."- Aggravating-Corgi379

Music Video Police GIF by Andrew W. K. Giphy

A Bit Too On The Nose?

"Business law class in college years ago, talking about the issues that black Americans had before the Civil Rights."

"Amendment, trying to travel through the south with the discrimination so rampant, trying to find restaurants to serve them and decent lodgings."

"My instructor was posing a hypothetical: 'So you pull up out front of this place, you're exhausted from driving for hours, and you see the sign out front says 'Ku Klux Klan Motel'."

"'What would you expect to find there?'"

"Without missing a beat, from the back of the room came this gem: "'Extra sheets in every room?'"- NedsAtomicDB

Not Yet, Anyway...

"I was working with my friend and his dad."

"My friend (26) heard an ice cream truck near where we were working."

"He asked his dad if he could have a couple dollars."

"His dad asked, 'what for?'"

"My friend told his dad that there was an ice cream truck in the neighborhood, and that they were playing music."

"My friends dad told him "'They don't charge anything to listen to the music'."- tatersalad1234567890

Words Escape You In The Literal "Heat" Of The Moment...

"A friend of mine is a teacher and her husband is known for his wit."

"She told this story to him:"

"One day at school a kid took the hall pass and returned reeking like smoke."

"She asked the kid if he’d been smoking and he denied it over and over."

"She was about to send him to the office when she noticed smoke coming from somewhere."

"She told the kid and he realized that he didn’t put his cig out completely and it was burning in his pants pocket."

"The kid noticed and frantically tried to put it out and someone finally poured water on it."

"Her husband sat listening to this with a weird look on his face."

"She asked him what was wrong."

“'What’s wrong???'"

"'This was probably the only chance you’ll have in your life to say literally, ‘liar,liar, pants on fire’ and you missed your chance'."- Luder714

On Fire No GIF by PEEKASSO Giphy

Amazing What You Might Say A Few Drinks In...

"When I went to a renaissance faire once, I went to a beer tent and ordered a Newcastle Brown Ale (seemed the most fitting for the surroundings)."

"The beer wench, without skipping a beat, said, 'Everyone wants a Newcastle - no one wants to remodel!'"- jayhof52

Read The Room People!

"My dad wiped out when skiing down a mountain and lost a ski."

"After a few minutes of hunting for it, he gives up, slings the one remaining ski over a shoulder and starts walking down the mountain in his ski boots."

"About half-way down, another skier stops and goes 'Gee! Did you lose a ski?'"

"My dad instantly replied 'No, I was out for a walk and found one!'"- PeterJoAl

There's a reason your mother always told you to "use your words".

As clever remarks can have a much more lasting effect on people than a push or shove.