Life is an obstacle course in survival. Every corner we turn and every breathe we take could be our last.
Danger is abound at all times. That is why it is so important to stay vigilant. We can't take superfluous chances.
Trouble lurks in all forms. It doesn't have to be a mass murderer, the neighbor's dog can be lethal.
It's all about navigating the minefield that is life.
Redditor u/Reddit807 wanted to hear about all the times life has left us SHOOKETH to the bone by asking:
What's the scariest thing you've ever stood face to face with?
Everytime I get behind the wheel of a car, I pray. Recently it feels like everyone is driving like they're stunt doubles in Mad Max: Thunderdome. Evil and death are waiting to look us dead in the eye at any second. Others can elaborate...
CHARGE!!!
"An Emu at a hobby farm that had the sudden realization "Hey, maybe I should be in charge."
Butt Bite
"Wasn't face-to-face, more like face-to-butt, but I squatted to pee in the desert at night on a camping trip and a rattle snake started rattling about a foot behind me. Lost my mind and ran. Pee everywhere."
"Man, I go to sleep by a tree, as to stay away from owls, and then some human witch comes up and starts peeing on me! She's lucky I was tired and didn't feel like biting her in the tush."
Bad Strength...
"Believe it or not, but an ox. Those things are huge, and look like they could stomp things into oblivion... but they are actually fairly calm."
"Its crazy how strong buffalo or oxen are. They can stomp you into paste if they feel like it."
- Pagan-za
When in Australia...
"I was snorkeling in a lake in Australia that connected to the sea, there was a Protected fish sanctuary along the part of the shore I swam near so I decided to go take a look. It was fantastic, lots of fish a few turtles and just a lot of wildlife in general. I was having a blast looking at all the fishies when they all just completely bolted and suddenly there was no wildlife I could see. I turned around to find a big ole shark staring at me from about 10 metres away."
"I was so scared that I instantly started to back up, luckily I wasn't to far out from shore and I was able to make it back safely. From what I could see from shore, it hung around for about 5 minutes before I wasn't able to see it anymore but I didn't ever go swimming there again out of pure fear."
- N3ssaW
Bad Insects
"An aggressive 10cm tarantula."
"I've had the same experience with a baboon spider( its a kind of tarantula)."
"I kept catching it and letting it go outside and it kept coming back inside the house. I kept taking it further away and it kept coming back. Eventually I dropped it off about 1km away and it never came back. First time I tried to catch it, it hissed at me then jumped at me."
- Pagan-za
People Explain The Worst Thing That's Ever Happened To Them On Their Birthday
Why is it always animals and insects? How are they so brutal? Did God make them that way as a joke? If I see a tarantula you can just bury me then and there!
Be Careful
red kangaroo eating GIF
Giphy
"A 7 foot tall Buck Kangaroo, he was sizing us up but there was three of us and only one of him so he moved on, Kangaroos will mess you up if you're not careful."
- Sean_A_D
When in the Water
"I was out swimming in the open ocean during a boat trip. Outta nowhere this giant freaking whale swims right under me. Whales aren't scary but it was so big and so close that I was just paralyzed. I really don't know what it was that made it so absolutely horrifying but it just was."
- daanimas
Frozen
"A huge Ethiopian hyena at a late night and alone, i was not more than 13 years of age. We stood 3 meters apart from Each other frozen for like 6 seconds, right in front of my house and then decided to run off back to the forest, which was very close. Wild times!"
In the Backwoods...
I was backwoods camping last year in early/mid September in Algonquin Park in Canada, and I woke up one morning to the skins of a twig cracking like a footstep. I peeked out over the edge of my hammock, and there was a bull moose standing about 10 feet away. I stayed very quiet and very still, and a moment later he wandered off into the woods. It was a very cool nature experience, but I don't underestimate how lucky I am that he didn't notice me there.
Old Faithful
bison GIF
Giphy
"A bison. I had just parked my car in the lot for the Old Faithful Inn and gotten out."
"I turn at to see where my SO was, and saw a full grown bison maybe 6 feet away standing in the grass, doing giant buffalo things. I took a quick selfie from behind my car and Noped it towards the hotel"
And Bull?
"A freaking moose."
"I was backwoods camping last year in early/mid September in Algonquin Park in Canada, and I woke up one morning to the skins of a twig cracking like a footstep. I peeked out over the edge of my hammock, and there was a bull moose standing about 10 feet away. I stayed very quiet and very still, and a moment later he wandered off into the woods. It was a very cool nature experience, but I don't underestimate how lucky I am that he didn't notice me there."
Explosion
"A burning pot of oil someone left on the stove as it exploded in front of me when I walked onto the kitchen to see what the smoke was coming from. A bottle of water in the cupboard above had just melted from the heat and dripped in according to the fire inspection. Scariest but the coolest thing I've ever seen that I never want to see again."
"The Dean of Mean"
"I literally bumped into MMA fighter Keith "The Dean of Mean" Jardine in a CD store in Sydney. We stared at each other but I wouldn't say it was face to face, more like face to sternum. The guy is huge."
"Mind you, after giving the first impression that he was scary he was actually pretty nice. He smiled at me, apologized, told me he had flown in from the US just that morning so was pretty jet lagged and not paying as kick attention to where he was going as he should, and walked away after apologizing again."
Hail King
nat geo desert GIF by National Geographic Channel
Giphy
"A king cobra. It was a good 15 feet away from me, but the thing was like 10ft long itself. I was both fascinated and scared as frig at the same time."
- Maanavdv
Look Away
"An Elk. My gf and I set up camp and took a day hike. On the way back to camp we came into a clearing, and there she (I think she was a she) was. Walking towards us. She walk next to us for a bit. The path was lower than where she was by a foot or two (.5 meter) so my head ( I am 6'2" 2 meters tall) was about even with or below her back. Honestly I was trying my best not to look at her and stay looking straight ahead. There was some bushes up ahead that the trail lead between. It would naturally block her parallel path and let us keep going."
"She easily could have trampled us if she got the urge. Something about the whole experience made me think there was motherhood involved, but I have no real evidence of that. She just escorted us off her land. Scary and wonderful all at the same time."
- Efarm12
Brace for Impact
"The sight of a huge pick up truck barreling towards our car on a high way. Seeing it and knowing impact was coming... waiting... bracing. I thought I was dead and was so scared that I was going to die with people who I felt didn't love me. Impact...everything shattering... and then just... silence. I'm not sure if there was truly silence or if my adrenaline was coursing through at that point. I don't remember much after that truthfully."
- kiwimadi
Bad Pooch
"A dog trying to attack me. My friend showed up to the house unannounced with her dog. I opened the door and the dog jumped at me and started snapping at my face. I had to push it away. My dog was quick to attack it, which resulted in a dog fight. I had some deep scratches on my forearm. My dog ended up needing stitches, but her dog got the worst of it. I ended up being fine. Both dogs healed quickly. She never tried to bring her dog over again."
In the Storm
"Driving in a tour van with a full band and crew and pulling a trailer through an awful storm. The wind started to tip a passing livestock hauler over on top of us. We braked just in time, and somehow the trailer righted itself. We pulled over for a couple minutes to just gather ourselves. Quickly realized with the poor visibility, we shouldn't hang out in the shoulder too long."
mama got it...
"A charging mama moose when I was 12 years old. A charging grizzly when I was 14. A family member trying to carve my daughter out of my stomach (I was 8 ish months pregnant with her) when I was 25. Nearly dying giving birth to said daughter when I was 26. Finally an enraged meth addict/mental health client determined to "date" me, when I was 35. The last year has been basically free of near death experiences so that's been nice."
Roar
The Lion King GIF by Walt Disney Studios
Giphy
"A mountain lion… walked up on it attacking the neighbors golden retriever, so I guess not face to face. But I was probably 15 feet away. There were a bunch of trees and I could hear something but wasn't sure what it was, until I walked around a tree."
"Still feel guilty about immediately putting distance between myself and them, but there would have been nothing I could have done for that dog anyway. 😣"
Lord there is just no place safe. We have to be on guard and on point with every breath. I feel like I can't trust a neighbor, a friend or my fish. Survival is way harder than we were lead to believe. God speed y'all.
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I can tell you from experience that airplanes are not a good idea. Don't ask me how I know. A lady never kisses and tells, but highlights are ok. There will never be enough room and the movies are lying.
Like Glue...
Melissa Mccarthy Falling GIFGiphy"I lived in Australia for a bit and our studio had this black pleather couch. It looked exactly like that casting couch meme so we tried it for fun once. My ex sweats a lot even when it's not 40C out, but it was and we stuck to the couch like glue."
The Sting
"On a hike in a wildlife refuge. We went off the trail to a more remote area. Was all fun and games tell I got stung on the penis. Was after the event had ended when I was briefly exposed, the little moron went right at me. We joke about it regularly, I'd say it comes up monthly. Just out of the blue she will say "hey remember when you got stung on your penis?" Yes, I remember and will never forget."
Up a Tree
"A "treehouse" that was actually a plywood shack on 6' stilts. It was pretty old and the plywood was splintery, so he laid down an old towel for me (you know, like a gentleman.) Also it was too small for me to fit in any direction, so my head stuck out the door. I stared at the sky and just... And that's the story of how I lost my virginity! A close second would be the bed in his semi-abandoned house full of the semi-abandoned hoarded belongings of his mother. But that's a different story."
Walk Away...
"Met a girl online and we tried to do it at the park. A cop showed up before we started and told us we had to leave. We went back to our cars which was at a small shopping mall. We went behind the shopping mall and got it on behind a dumpster. It worked out well so we met up there again a week later. Except that time, as we were walking away, a dump truck picked the dumpster to empty the trash. Was hilarious at the time but frightening looking back on it. This was about 10 years ago."
Keyed Off
Piano Performing GIFGiphy"I don't recommend on top of a piano. Very uncomfortable and not at all the experience we envisioned."
Scratchy...
Screaming The Voice GIF by NBCGiphy"Bottom of cliff next to the ocean. Turns out I have an allergic reaction to coral and my back was scratched the hell up from it. It was windy, wet, and itchy. Runner up is a movie theatre."
Smoked
"In a literal smoke house... lost my virginity with about 50 rings of deer sausage hanging around to dry. My friend and his dad were gone and we were like "this seems like a great place!" At least when I went home I smelled like venison instead of sex."
"Well, if you find yourself stuck in a rut, it'll be something to fawn over."
Hey Fam...
"I'm not sure if this counts because we didn't get very far. But In a Burger King parking lot… He had a car, so we would park it someplace and hook up in the tiny little two-seater. I was sitting astride him and most of my clothes were off when he froze. I looked over my shoulder and the once abandoned parking lot was abandoned no more. A family of four were just staring at us through the windshield. We didn't know what to do so I just put my shirt back on and we drove away."
"we can hear everything"
"My childhood house had an enclosed porch that was level with my parents' bedroom window (it's hard to explain). You couldn't see into the porch from the window, but if the porch windows were open and the bedroom windows were open you could hear everything from either room."
"So my now husband and I were trying to have sex in that porch, having opened the windows cuz it was hot AH. My parents usually never opened their window and it was past ten, when they usually went to sleep. We weren't trying to be loud, but apparently we were."
"After we were done, I checked my phone and I had 5 missed calls and a text from my mother saying "we can hear everything" and "please at least use a condom". We didn't acknowledge it at the time but my mom got drunk a few years ago and told my aunt the story and said she was worried she was hearing the conception of her grandchild."
Ivy!
jerry seinfeld help GIF by HULUGiphy"After a drunken night on 6th st in Austin, girl and I were walking down red river st, she drags me in this bushy grassy area, we go at it, finish, call an Uber to west campus, continue going at it. The next day, we are super itchy, come to find later it was poison ivy, got it all over our genitals. Fun times. 10/10 would do it again though."
Also, be careful when and if you do it on a bus. You're never fully out of the driver's line of sight. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. Be careful out there but have fun.
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Redditor Pooky135790 wanted to know:
"What are the best adult jokes that are hidden in kids movies?"
These scenes really had us rolling.
Shrek definitely has a few innuendos.
"In Shrek talking about Snow White:"
"'Although she lives with 7 other men, she's not easy.'"
"Gets me every time!"
- Sregge
"The whole Duloc opening scene with the singing puppets. 'Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your…….face.'"
"Also in Shrek: when they get to Farquuad's castle, they note the large size of it, and Shrek asks if Farquuad is compensating for something."
"This joke is great because everyone can laugh at it."
"Kids will think it's a joke about his height."
"Adults will think it's a joke about his other kind of height."
Lord Farquaad Ok GIF by PeacockTVGiphyCars had plenty of jokes.
"In Cars when the two Miata ladies flash their pop-ups at McQueen"
"I didn't realize for years that that was the connotation."
"Look at that scene again and look at the photographers behind Mia."
"It took me a second but I think the one directly in the middle is zooming in on their posteriors lmfao."
- -Paint
lightning mcqueen car GIF by Disney PixarGiphy"Also the Piston Cup. 'He did what in his cup?!' Funny enough 10 year old me got that and my dad didn't."
"Also in Cars, when Mack is driving down the highway and wants to pull over into a truck stop to rest, the sign at the truck stop says 'Top Down Truck Stop, All Convertible Waitresses.'"
Robots had it's fair share of moments.
"In Robots the [father of the] main character and his wife get the parts for their robot child and exclaim, 'Making the baby's the fun part!'"
"Also the old lady bot, Aunt Fanny, has a lot of junk in her trunk."
Oh, Ratatouille.
"There is that one scene from Ratatouille, when Linguini is about to confess about how Remy is in his hat cooking for him, and says 'I... have... a little... tiny...' and right after he says tiny, Collette quickly glances down at his pants. I never even noticed it until someone pointed it out to me because it is pretty subtle and can be easy to miss."
"Seriously the best dick joke in a kid's movie."
"That and the time when the short lil chef guy catches linguini in the pantry and says, 'One can become to familiar with vegetables, you know!'"
ratatouille flirting GIF by Disney PixarGiphyCoco really went there!
"In Coco, everybody laughs when they say Hector died 'choking on chorizo.'"
"'Choking on chorizo' is Mexican slang for sucking d*ck."
"I mean the song Hector sings to his dying friend has the implied, but not spoken, lyrics: 'And her tits they drag on the floor...' (he says 'knuckles' but the guy shouts, 'those aren't the words!')."
- TerH2
What a forgotten gem Monster House was.
"Monster House."
"'That's it's uvula!' 'Oh.... So it's a girl house....'"
"Rick and Morty gets a lot of hate around here because of the sh*tty fan base, but Dan Harmon is a genuinely funny writer."
"Could not BELIEVE Dan Harmon was a writer on this 'til I googled Monster House; your point is a good one lol."
Even in Frozen.
"'Foot size doesn't matter' - when Anna from Frozen talks about her fiancé."
"Frozen 2, 'I like you better in leather anyway' when Kristoff dresses up for Anna at the end."
"My boyfriend and roommate and I all watched it and all three of us spat our drinks at that and we all did the 'Did we just hear what we think we heard?' look. Then we laughed for like 10 solid minutes."
Not a movie, but still good.
"There was an episode of Dexter's laboratory where the father kept going on about Dexter's mother's muffin, and saying he only married her for her muffin. The whole episode was filled with innuendo."
"'Your father is a muffin fiend, a muff-o-maniac, just the aroma can make him crazy.' Lol. Had to see it for myself."
"Season 2 ep 18 The Muffin King."
"There was the episode about DeeDee and Dexter having decoder rings! DeeDee says Dexter's club is for big 'I-D-K-S-C' Dexter decodes it, gasps, and says he's gonna tell mom. Lol."
Whispering French GIFGiphyChildren's shows may be for kids entertainment, but they're created by adults. No doubt they're going to slip in a few naughty jokes here and there.
Time to re-watch some old favorites and see what we missed when we were younger.
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