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People Share Secrets That They Could Never Tell Their Friends And Family

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A year ago Reddit user najing_ftw asked Reddit users: 

"What is something you won't tell your friends or family, but you will tell Reddit?" 

The anonymity of the internet loosened many figurative tongues.

Almost 30,000 comments were left in response. Here are some of the most humorous, surprising or shocking.

I Have a Traumatic Brain Injury

All my friends and family know that I've had a few concussions, but what they don't know is that its really affecting my brain. 
I can't remember anything. If its not written down, I will probably forget to do it. Its always things I need to do, or stuff I need to get at the store etc, I'm not forgetting names or where I am or anything. I also have a terrible time with getting distracted, like right now. I used to be able to concentrate on a task for hours on end, but now I can get sidetracked so easily. 
I play off my forgetfulness as a joke, but its getting worse and I'm getting scared.  sammeggs

I'm the Opossum Whisperer

Since nobody would even try to believe me when a related topic came up in the outside world, there's these 4 opossums that come to my garage every time I'm in there alone with it open and they act just like domesticated cats until I shoo them out to leave. I have no fucking clue why they're only comfortable with me and don't beg/scour for food, but I named the dominant one Sputnik.  jakeefswag

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I Play D&D;

I play D&D.; My parents are still on the 'D&D; leads kids to Satan and/or witchcraft' bandwagon and threatened to kick me out when I asked if I could try playing it at home. Although, they only know the NAME of the game, not what it actually looks like, so as long nothing I use for it explicitly says 'Dungeons and Dragons,' they couldn't care less. mario3585

I've Always Had a Crush on My Stepsister

I've always had a huge crush on my stepsister and I always will. Even though she's engaged and I've had a happy relationship with my girlfriend of six years, a giant part of me wishes it had ended up a different way.  GokTypo

I Left My Car Running During a Movie

I once sat through an entire movie without realizing that I had left my car running in the parking lot....

...The movie was Pacific Rim, I liked it. That, combined with my car not getting stolen from the theater parking lot, made that day a pretty good day.  rikkSteele

I'm Homeless

I've been living in my car for almost a year. I leave work and come back when everyone is gone. Use the WiFi, pretend everything's okay. Money is tight right now for me, but I often wonder if my pride might become the death of me.  mrtwidget

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I Have Cancer and I'm Scared

In August I was diagnosed with colon cancer that has spread. I had surgery and am doing chemo but the goal is remission, not cure, I am terminal. My friends and family do not want to hear this. What I don't tell them is that I am scared--incredibly scared and need to talk about this. I am having terrible mood swings which could be the drugs. I'm tired of trying to comfort other people about my illness.  Kellianne

My Girlfriend Didn't Break Up With Me, She Died

That my girlfriend killed herself four years ago. They didn't know her very much and just assumed she dumped me when I stopped talking about her. I'm still completely unable to talk about it, and I will probably delete this in a day or two so as to avoid thinking about it when I read my post history.  apimil

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I Found Out My Wife Cheated and I'm Relieved

I'm 98.5% certain that my wife cheated on me two weeks ago, and I feel relieved because it means that I can finally get out of this marriage. 
Edit: ...I have a lot of people asking for a story or why I haven't left already. I posted it below in response to another comment but I'm just going to copy and paste it here. 
It's not that easy to say "Okay I'm done" in a marriage. We've been together for 12 years and married for 1.5. That's 12 years of families coming together, friends coming together, lives changing. It becomes less about you and more about everyone else in your life. I wasn't unhappy, but I wasn't happy. We started counseling a while back and nothing changed at all. Everyone you talk to about being unhappy or not feeling in love says this is a phase of marriage and you get through it. Have kids they say, it's marriage it's forever they say. When you try to talk to your family and friends about questioning what you're doing you get told it's just a phase. So you believe it. 
No one knows your wife is emotionally abusive and can make you think every problem is your fault and make you question every decision you made. No one knows that, despite appearances, you're not the perfect couple. Your single friends wish for a relationship like yours. Your married friends wish for a relationship like yours, but none of them are home when the doors are closed. I'm just glad we haven't had kids yet. 
So when I got a call from a friend that works with her that she left the bar on business trip with another guy and it was not innocent, then she lied about where she was that night, and I found charges she can't explain on the credit card bill, I sighed. Because I don't have to explain to everyone around me why I'm leaving. I'm not a bad husband who is giving up. She's a bad wife who slept with someone on a work trip. 
Don't get me wrong, this hurts. Hurts like nothing I've ever felt before. I feel angry, confused, sad, hurt, broken, betrayed, and scared. How many other times has this happened? How much of a lie is my life? What do I do now? Where do I go? I don't have answers to these questions, but at least I can move on. 
So, that's why I couldn't, I guess.  Da_beans

I Love My Family But I Can't Say It

I love my family.

For some reason I cannot handle saying "I love You" to my parents even though I really do. It carries some strange kind of weight, I feel like it might expose my emotional weakness... and they raised in a way that allows me to handle the world by myself.  lwlwlwlw

I'm Gay

I'm gay, (I'm telling Reddit) because Reddit can't kick me out of my house.  ThatGuyFrom_Chicago

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I Don't Like Being Forced to Attend Family Events All the Time

...I genuinely hate having to drive 3 hours nearly every weekend to see my family for "planned events". The moment I decline anything I get yelled at. Can't I just be at home, walk around naked, drink beer, and play video games? IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK MOM!?  IQuestionThat

I Don't Want to Play Video Games Anymore

I don't want to play video games anymore. But I feel guilty if I'd quit, because I'd be letting myself down. It's a part of me that I don't want to let go yet....

...I play an MMO which requires regular hours, but I have enough commitments already. I do have a hobby (several, actually) that I really enjoy doing, and I consider gaming to be one of them. I never played videogames much as a kid (strict parents), and I wanted to take up playing an MMO as a hobby now that I have a job, and time. But grinding out items in the end game isn't as rewarding or satisfying irl as I thought. Also, it feels like my mind is in the game all the time. I'm thinking of rotations, planning cooldowns, and figuring out raid schedule in my head at work, and I can't focus on my job.

On the other hand, if I quit then it would be like betraying my younger self. It's like, I have waited my entire life to do this, and I can't even see it to the end? And by the end, I meant until servers shut down. Rearranger_

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I'm Autistic

I'm autistic. My parents believe with enough willpower you can overcome anything. My sister believes only children are autistic and my best friend has been very vocal that she finds autistic people creepy.

Only my husband and Reddit know me.  thedollgirl

I Smoke Weed for Medicinal Reasons

I smoke weed for my bipolar [disorder] and depression. A few friends know, but none of my family know I had to jump states to treat my condition legally. 

I honestly expect disownment the day they find out.  Zerovarner

I'm Broke

They all think im fiscally responsible and am rolling in savings. I've spent all my money and now have almost no savings. I'm moving in a few months and I'm terrified that something is going to come up and I won't be able to afford it and will have to admit to them that I have no money left.  Bake0rDie

I Have Repressed Memories of My Military Service

I have repressed around 6 firefights that I've been in, in which I killed people. Like I said, I have repressed the memories and they only came back last year when I spoke to an old military buddy. He was doing the whole "hey, remember when we were in Kuwait and got into that running gun battle with the Republican guards?". I laughed and told him no, that he has me mistaken for someone else. A long silence, then a few more questions about other incidents...then everything came back and hit me like a tidal wave. I cried for a few days after that, and the memories haunt me. 
I never want my daughter to know that I am responsible for killing other human beings. 
I have been working with a psychiatrist and a PTSD counselor, and it has helped.  coachslg

I'm in Love With a Transgender Girl

I'm in a relationship with a transgender girl, I also lost my virginity to her and I'm planning on tying the knot eventually. My mom could really care less, I think she knows I'm already pansexual; my dad is a bigot, however...  DaftRyosuke

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I'm Doing Horrible in College

I'm doing absolutely horrible in college. Going to school for a CS (computer science)degree. Absolutely love computers, but the math is almost impossible for me. 

They all tell me how proud they are that I'm in college, so I don't want to let them down. But I just can't do this stuff.  HalfSquatch

I'm Tired of It All

im tired. 
tired of my kids not listening. 
tired of my wife's depression/anxiety. 
tired of having to clean the house every night. tired of knowing what i should eat and not doing it. 
tired of being overweight. 
tired of the loneliness. tired of shit at work not working. tired of being worried what other people think about me and my decisions. tired of staring blankly into the computer screen at night avoiding going to bed. 
tired of not being happy. 
im just tired.  heyathrowaway1234567

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I Don't Know What to Do Next

I don't...know what to do next... Growing up, the end goal was to graduate high school and get into college. In college, my goal was to graduate and get a job. As an adult, my goal was to save up enough to buy a car and a house. I just accomplished those, and it feels amazing, but last weekend, I was sitting in my new home and thought, What now? I know there are a million possibilities out there, but until I find some sense of direction, I'm now just 'wandering' in life. Or at least that's how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, but I'm looked at as someone who has their shit together and yet I spend my evenings flipping a coin to decide what to do with my life.  walkingcarpet23

I'm a Virgin at 27

I'm still a virgin at the age of 27, depressed as hell because of it. Family and few closer friends think I'm a charismatic, successful person who has had several relationships behind me. Good looks, positive attitude, great career, sense of style mean nothing if you're a shy, anxious wreck around people you actually like.  ThrowAway25h

I'm Slowly Losing My Mind

I'm slowly losing my mind. It's been a very gradual thing over the better part of two decades, but it has reached a point where it's directly affecting my daily life. 
I remember in my sophomore year of high school, I took my final without a calculator. I finished 10 minutes before anyone else in the class and got 94% on the test. It went downhill from there. Now I struggle to do basic math in my head. I used to be an avid reader. I'd rather sit in my room and devour a book than do anything else. Now I can't read books. Anything more than a handful of paragraphs at a time and I cannot focus on it. I'll read a sentence, skip the remainder of the paragraph, read the first sentence of the next one, and wonder what happened in between. 
I used to memorize near everything. I could recite lectures, movies, songs, books word-for-word. The most minute details were right there in my mind. Now, about a third of the time I'm talking to someone, as soon as the conversation is over I have to ask them to 'run it by me again,' because I've already forgotten what we had just talked about. I am aware we had a conversation, just only the vaguest idea what was said. 
It's weird when you can actually feel yourself getting dumber. When you know your mind should be working faster than I is. To be aware that you know the answer, but it's like walking through a pool of jello to get to it, when it previously would be effortless, is both very difficult to accept and very depressing. It's a slow progression. It's taken half my life for it to get to this point, and I don't know if it's going to get worse or not. I don't talk about it with family. Years ago, when I was still in school and first noticed it, I tried asking them for help. They told me to stop making excuses for why my grades were beginning to slip, and then stopped paying for my education because I 'clearly wasn't trying hard enough.' I've honestly never forgiven them for that, and it's the main reason why, until my son's birth, I maintained only a very distant relationship with them. I haven't really talked about it with my wife because I'm not even sure how to. I don't want to be a burden on her or my son, but I don't know what to do about it. 
It's just a very strange thing to deal with. The last couple of years, when I've done a lot of introspection and really taken a look at where I am now, have pretty much emptied me of any self-confidence I once had because I can't be certain it's not going to continue to get worse.  FeloniusGecko

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I Got Voluntarily Sterilized

I got voluntarily sterilized years ago. Most of [my friends and family] think I had a problem with a cyst on my fallopian tube (true) but they didn't know that removing them entirely was elective, to remove the cyst AND the chance of pregnancy. Kind of awkward sometimes with the 'You never know!' and 'God works miracles!' talks that their Catholic vantage point tells me (more themselves, really) when I say that I won't be having kids.  abqkat

I Married A Stranger For a Visa

I married a stranger from Reddit for visa purposes and she has changed my life (in a good way)....

...3 Years ago i was depressed, single and stuck in a rut. I hated where i lived and needed to change something. She made a post on (subreddit name removed at mods request) offering passport exchange. I messaged her with my offer and we got married 3 months later. That was 3 years ago. Turns out we're pretty damn compatible and have sex and everything... 
So, we're no longer doing the passport exchange and we have been living in my original country and i no longer have interest in moving to hers. We're moving to Berlin in a few weeks for about a year, then onwards to our final destination, Barcelona. 
I've been to so many places i never would have gone to before, and completely transformed my lifestyle. Now i can live with very few possessions and be ultra-portable, whereas before i would have cringed at the thought.  mountainjew

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I'm Terrified of Stickers and Patterned Tape

I'm terrified of stickers and patterned tape. I don't know why, I don't remember any particular trauma? But they freak me the fuck out. I saw the thumbnail for a video of a guy eating stickers in a dark alley yesterday and I literally almost threw up. 

This is why I can never work with kids.  insert_title_here

My Wife Can't Cook

My wife's cooking is, largely, shit. She refuses to learn the basics of working in the kitchen and makes the same mistakes time and again....

...I've tried (cooking with her). She's really, really stubborn and resentful of people especially me who she perceives as trying to change her. She could have a method that causes her to lose a finger and if I pointed that out she'd look me right in the eye and do it her way 10 times.  Air_Hellair

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Old Wives' Tales People Still Believe For Some Reason

"Reddit user the_spring_goddess asked: 'What is an old wives tale that people still believe?'"

Close up of an owl tilting their head to side, looking bewildered
Photo by Josh Mills

The old wives' tales.

They are the stories of legend.

I think we all need a big DEEP Google dive though.

Where did they originate?

WHO ARE THE OLD WIVES!

You don't hear about them as much anymore.

It's like science and logic are suddenly a thing.

But they sure are a good way to keep your kids and their behavior in line.

Redditor the_spring_goddess wanted to discuss the tall tales we've all been fed through life, so they asked:

"What is an old wives tale that people still believe?"

"Wait an hour to swim after eating."

What a crock!

So many summer hours wasted.

I want revenge for that one.

Say Nothing

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"An undercover cop has to tell you he's a cop if you ask him."

LonelyMail5115

"Pretty much most advice when it comes to cops are old wives tales. I’m not even a cop but most of the advice you hear is pretty off."

I_AM_AN_A**HOLE_AMA

Say Something

"That you have to wait 24 hours to report someone missing."

Severe_Airport1426

"I really think this one is important and should be the top regardless. As it’s a piece of advice that needs to be relearned and the only way to do that is through awareness."

crappycurtains

"This used to be true. I think they changed it after some guy named Brandon went missing back in the '80s or '70s. You used to have to wait 24 hours if the missing person was an adult because they had 'a right to be missing' and then everyone realized that was stupid and stopped doing it."

AlbinoShavedGorilla

Body Temps

"That drinking ice cold water after eating oily foods will solidify the oil and permanently remain in your body. I informed my coworker that if your body temperature ever reached that point, you’d have bigger problems than weight gain."

chriseo22

"Oh, I have a cousin who 100% believed this. One of those guys who believed every early 2000s internet rumor and old wives tale. One night I chugged a big glass of ice water after dinner and he started freaking out and saying my guts were gonna harden."

"I sarcastically told him to drive me to the hospital if that happened. Obviously, nothing happened and the next morning I said something like 'Thanks for being on standby in case my guts filled with hardened oil.' He just walked off muttering under his breath."

apocalypticradish

Arms Down

"When I was pregnant, I was told by young and old alike that I should NOT raise my arms above my head or exert myself in such a manner because it could cause cord strangulation to my unborn sons and daughters."

Fatmouse84

10 Years Actually

Unimpressed Uh Huh GIF by Brooklyn Nine-Nine Giphy

"Chewing gum stays in your stomach for 7 years."

REDDIT

"I remember accidentally swallowing a piece of gum when I was a kid in like 1995 and just accepting my fate like welp, gonna have this in my stomach til high school I guess."

Gecko-911

I was so afraid to sallow my gum when I was young.

This tale is haunting.

High/Low

Hungry Debra Messing GIF by Will & Grace Giphy

"You can tell the sex of the baby by how you carry."

LeastFormal9366

"Pregnancy certainly wins awards for the most old wives tales. So much absolute BS was repeated to us by everyone we talked to."

IllIIIlIllIlIIlIllI

The Cursed

"If you’re a woman and you wear opal jewelry but opal is not your birthstone (October), you’ll never be able to have children, or will be widowed, or just generally have bad luck or something. You can counteract this by having a diamond in the same piece of jewelry as the opal, though."

"I have a nice opal ring that my parents gave me years ago, and I’ve had other women give me this 'advice' unprompted more than once when I’ve worn it. I have absolutely no idea where it started, but I’m pretty sure this little chunk of silicate rock has no concept of what month I was born in, let alone of how my reproductive organs work."

SmoreOfBabylon

Stay In

"Going outside with wet hair will make you get pneumonia. Or an earache. Or maybe arthritis. Depends on which old wife you listen to."

"Jokes on them - I haven't blow-dried my hair in decades and usually leave the house with wet hair in the morning. On winter mornings, the tips of my hair get frozen. No ear infections or pneumonia or arthritis yet."

worldbound0514

Dreams and Facts

"You never make anyone up in your dreams you've seen everyone in your dreams somewhere else before and never make anyone up entirely."

"How would you possibly prove that to be true? My partner adamantly believes this and tells me this 'fact' whenever I have a dream about someone I've never met before."

mattshonestreddit

"My late wife used to tell me that before she met me she would have dreams of standing at an alter on her wedding day but could never see the guy's face, no matter how hard she tried. After meeting me the face was filled in with mine. Don't know if it's true but one of those things I like thinking of every now and then when I miss her."

Darthdemented

Cracked

Getting Ready Episode 2 GIF by The Office Giphy

"Some people still believe cracking knuckles causes arthritis."

Choice-Grapefruit-44

"There's a doctor (Donald Unger) that cracked his knuckles a couple of times a day for 60 years, but only on one hand, just to prove it. Both hands remained exactly the same."

MacyTmcterry

I love my knuckles.

Do you have any tall tales to add to the list? Let us know in the comments below.

lottery tickets
Erik Mclean on Unsplash

A lot of workers daydream about some day winning the lottery and being able to say goodbye to their job.

Far too many workers are unhappy with their job duties, workplace dynamics or company culture.

But with a taste for luxuries like housing and food, they keep plugging away, year after year.

However not everyone feels that way about their job.

So what are these compelling careers?

Keep reading... Show less
Aerial view of a church in a small town
Sander Weeteling/Unsplash

There's something comforting about living in a small town.

It's characterized by close communities where neighbors know each other by name and there is an abundance of kindness extended to others.

Gift-giving is a commonality, as is the sharing of recipes, and people going out of their way to help each other in a time of need.

The pace of living in small towns is also a striking contradiction to city life, where crowds of people go about their busy lives without much interaction.

Curious to hear more examples of what small town living is like, Redditor official_biz asked:

"What's the most 'small town' thing you've witnessed?"

These are positive examples of a tight-knit community.

Live Updates

"We have a village Facebook page. Every time the ice cream man drives into the village, the entire page goes ballistic. People send live updates of where the van is and which direction he's heading. The ice cream man has started accepting DMs so he knows which streets to go down."

– PyrrhuraMolinae

Brush With The Law

"I’m from a town of less than 2,000 people. When I worked at the grocery store there people would often drop off stuff for my family members because they didn’t want to drive all the way down to our house. I no longer live there but recently got a call from my daughter. She had been stopped for speeding and handed over her license and insurance which happens to be in my mother’s name. The officer goes 'Hey, you’re Donnie’s granddaughter! I ain’t gonna write you a ticket but I’m telling Donnie when I see him tomorrow cause we’re going fishing.' She replied 'I think I’d rather have the ticket.'”

- Reddit

Roadside Catchup

"The traffic on the 'main street' of my town is so sparse, two drivers going opposite directions can stop and talk to each other for a few minutes without causing any problem."

– anon

When things go wrong, people take notice without incident.

Bank Robbery

"A guy robbed a bank and everyone knew immediately who he was and the teller got mad at him."

– AlexRyang

"A local bank was robbed and one of the tellers told the police to bring her a yearbook from about ten years earlier and she would be able to point the robber out. He had been in the grade before hers in school."

– Strict_Condition_632

Wise Woman

"When I worked at the bank in town there was an older lady that had worked there through 5 mergers."

"She knew everyone, there was a young guy yelling at me one day. She walked out of the back and he immediately quieted. She went off about telling his grandmother that he was treating young women like sh*t. She also said that if he didn’t straighten up not one girl in town would ever marry him she would make sure of it."

– ilurvekittens

Intoxicated Local

"Town drunk was paralyzed and used a motorized wheelchair to get around. I was driving home one Saturday night and said town drunk was passed out in his wheelchair doing circles almost directly in the town square. Had to call his brother who came and picked him up on a rollback truck. Strapped him down and drove off into the cold dark night."

– DoodooExplosion

Grazing Over To The Bar

"In my former small town, there was an older guy who'd lost his license after getting a few DUIs. Every day, he would ride his John Deere lawnmower to the corner bar around 3PM and sit around watching TV and sipping his beer well into the night. Then he'd head the couple miles back home on his mower. He even had a little canvass shell he put on when it rained or got too cold."

– brown_pleated_slacks

It's not surprising how small town people behave differently than those who are from metropolitan areas.

Welcoming Committee

"I lived in a small town. When I moved there, people would ask, 'Whose house did you buy?'"

–MoonieNine

"Move to a small town. 30 years later, you are still the new guy."

– impiousdrifter

"I lived in a small town for most of my childhood but I wasn't "from there" because my grandparents weren't from there."

– raisinghellwithtrees

"Worked with an older guy, relative of the owner of the business, he was 73. I asked him if he was a local, he said 'no his parents moved here when he was two.'"

– realneil

A Busy Day

"Lived in a town of about 5,000: A woman walked into the DMV on a Friday, saw that there were 3 people ahead of her and left to come back another time when they weren't so busy."

– KenmoreToast

Who Let The Dogs Out?

"My dogs got out while i was working. the police called my niece's elementary school (she was a 5th grader) to get her to round them up and take them back home."

– mediocrelpn

"There was a small kennel behind the police station for runaways. They called us saying they had our dog, and moments later our dog showed up home. He broke out of jail."

– Worried_Place_917

While life in a small town sounds appealing, I don't know if I can ever live in one.

I'm so used to life in big cities, I think it would be quite unnerving to adjust in a neighborhood where everyone literally knows your business.

I would be paranoid.

And I'm sure the same could be said of life in the big city.

Would you consider making the switch to life in a different setting?

Two women laughing
Photo by Dave George on Unsplash

Every now and then, a friend of ours might say something, or we might overhear a complete stranger say something that makes us stop in our tracks.

More often than not, what we can't believe we just heard is something so ridiculous, we can't help but put the person who said it in their place.

Other times, however, what we just heard might have stunned us silent because of how shockingly clever it was.

Resulting in our not wanting to scold or yell at someone, but rather give them a handshake.

Redditor SubmergingOriginal was curious to hear the sharpest and wittiest things they've ever heard, from friends and strangers alike, leading them to ask:

"Enough with the dumbest; what is the wittiest thing you've ever heard someone say?"

Don't Give Me So Much Credit...

'I was on a team at work that was on a project working insane overtime."

"One night after an 80-90 hour week, we were all sitting around the table trying to finish up so we could go home."

"Around 11, my buddy's wife called, dubious about the hours he'd been keeping."

"We heard her through the line - 'are you cheating on me?'"

"Exasperated, he looked at our boss, then replied 'honey, if I was cheating on you, I would have been home by now'."- lionbatcher

Eternal Optimism...

"Asked a blind guy if he'd been blind his whole life."

"He said 'Not yet'."- Feeling_Mode_6465

Free time Isn't The Only Thing He Has On His Hands...

"My brother got a vasectomy and when the doctor was releasing him and giving him instructions (with the nurse listening in), one of the orders was to 'come back and have a follow-up appointment after you’ve ejaculated 30 times'.”

"Without missing a beat my brother asked 'what time do you open tomorrow?'”

"The nurse couldn’t keep it together after hearing that."- UtahUtopia

Awkward Season 8 GIF by The Office Giphy

Double Whammy!

"My pal uses the phrase 'he doesn’t look strong enough to carry information' and it cracks me up every time."

"Calling someone stupid and weak in one fell swoop."- JennyW93

Can't Hide Your DNA...

'Whenever I jokingly insult my mum, she says 'that must be where you get it from'."

"She cracked the code."

"I can never offend her without offending myself."- JennyW93

Self-Sufficient!

"My brother was a line cook at a New Orleans restaurant."

"My mom was in town, staying at a fancy hotel, and he stopped by after work, still wearing his kitchen whites."

"He was reading a newspaper in the lobby waiting for her to come down when the shocked lobby manager sputtered at him, 'MAY I HELP YOU!?!?'

"He answered, 'thanks, but I know how to read',” and went back to his paper."- jobrody

Morph Current Affairs GIF by Aardman Animations Giphy

A Miracle!

"My brother-in-law’s comment."

"The entire family went out for my mother’s 80th birthday and after the meal we all went to a local park, largely occupied by the elderly, to rest."

"My mother needed crutches at this point, and they were resting against her bench."

"My 10-year-old niece, who looked like every starving waif image from Dickens, grabbed the crutches and started hobbling round the park."

"All the OAPs were following her progress with looks of pity until my brother ran up behind her, and kicked away the crutches."

"There was an audible gasp from round the park and then my niece picked the crutches back up and started chasing my brother, clearly intending to hit him."

"In the confused silence my brother-in-law’s voice rang out 'Praise be! She can walk again!'"

"We still think this was the highlight of the birthday celebrations."- DdraigGwyn

Still Legal, Whichever Way You Cut It...

"I picked up my pleasantly tipsy boyfriend from a nightclub."

"We were stopped by the Police for a random breath test."

"They asked me my age, and I said, 33."

"My bf blurted out '33? You told me you were 22'."

"Police just laughed and let me go."- Aggravating-Corgi379

Music Video Police GIF by Andrew W. K. Giphy

A Bit Too On The Nose?

"Business law class in college years ago, talking about the issues that black Americans had before the Civil Rights."

"Amendment, trying to travel through the south with the discrimination so rampant, trying to find restaurants to serve them and decent lodgings."

"My instructor was posing a hypothetical: 'So you pull up out front of this place, you're exhausted from driving for hours, and you see the sign out front says 'Ku Klux Klan Motel'."

"'What would you expect to find there?'"

"Without missing a beat, from the back of the room came this gem: "'Extra sheets in every room?'"- NedsAtomicDB

Not Yet, Anyway...

"I was working with my friend and his dad."

"My friend (26) heard an ice cream truck near where we were working."

"He asked his dad if he could have a couple dollars."

"His dad asked, 'what for?'"

"My friend told his dad that there was an ice cream truck in the neighborhood, and that they were playing music."

"My friends dad told him "'They don't charge anything to listen to the music'."- tatersalad1234567890

Words Escape You In The Literal "Heat" Of The Moment...

"A friend of mine is a teacher and her husband is known for his wit."

"She told this story to him:"

"One day at school a kid took the hall pass and returned reeking like smoke."

"She asked the kid if he’d been smoking and he denied it over and over."

"She was about to send him to the office when she noticed smoke coming from somewhere."

"She told the kid and he realized that he didn’t put his cig out completely and it was burning in his pants pocket."

"The kid noticed and frantically tried to put it out and someone finally poured water on it."

"Her husband sat listening to this with a weird look on his face."

"She asked him what was wrong."

“'What’s wrong???'"

"'This was probably the only chance you’ll have in your life to say literally, ‘liar,liar, pants on fire’ and you missed your chance'."- Luder714

On Fire No GIF by PEEKASSO Giphy

Amazing What You Might Say A Few Drinks In...

"When I went to a renaissance faire once, I went to a beer tent and ordered a Newcastle Brown Ale (seemed the most fitting for the surroundings)."

"The beer wench, without skipping a beat, said, 'Everyone wants a Newcastle - no one wants to remodel!'"- jayhof52

Read The Room People!

"My dad wiped out when skiing down a mountain and lost a ski."

"After a few minutes of hunting for it, he gives up, slings the one remaining ski over a shoulder and starts walking down the mountain in his ski boots."

"About half-way down, another skier stops and goes 'Gee! Did you lose a ski?'"

"My dad instantly replied 'No, I was out for a walk and found one!'"- PeterJoAl

There's a reason your mother always told you to "use your words".

As clever remarks can have a much more lasting effect on people than a push or shove.