The idea of a "scale" or being in/out of someone's league is kind of passe, we'll admit. Still, there's something about a major change in your partner that can spawn a few questions or concerns.
It's perfectly natural to wonder if things will change once you or your partner makes a big change and there are questions about whether you're still in one another's "league." This can be particularly true since the physical change = relationship change trope has been drilled into a lot of us since childhood.
Reddit user jwburner asked:
So look, we're not going to lie to you. A lot of these end terribly. That's not much of a surprise. However - there are some responses here that are enough to renew our faith in real love; regardless of anyone's "league."
New Lifestyle
I dated a girl who, while she didn't exactly change, started putting more effort into her appearance. She assumed I didn't like the "new" her; getting her nails done and going tanning. Truthfully I didn't mind one way or another. I think it gave her a confidence boost.
Which was good until she got confident enough to cheat on me, citing that I "didn't fit with her new lifestyle."
Selfies
My significant other was born with hemifacial microsomia (basically no muscle tissue in her right cheek) and last year she got the seventh and last surgery to correct it.
I've always considered her to be out of my league. The confidence and love for herself that she gained after the surgery was amazing. Seeing her go from a shy girl who absolutely hated having her picture taken to randomly sending me selfies saying things like "I look good today" makes me tear up. I'm so happy to have been a part of her transformation.
Former Male Model
I've got it the other way - my significant other of 25+ yrs was a successful male model and pro athlete. A goodly proportion of his self esteem came from his looks and physicality. A few years ago he ended up in a wheelchair, getting a horrible cancer. He's aged, to put it mildly, and his legs have wasted away.
It's come out that in the back of his mind he thinks I'll leave him because he's not the man he was. Silly guy. I've always loved him for his big heart and disposition. He really hasn't changed at all in my eyes.
Like Milk
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My husband's always been out of my league. I'm definitely no higher than a 5 and I'm aging like milk. He has loved me unconditionally since we were teenagers. Obviously, I feel the same. Some people are just meant for each other.
Dramatic-Casual
My husband began dry-curing meats for a living. Suddenly he's got the sexiest set of guns and he smells like bacon. Random women have begun flirting with him. Now he dramatic-casual shows off his wedding ring a lot.
Money Changes People
My partner went from making around 30k a year (similar to what I was making) to making $150k a year after a few years. My income didn't change much except for normal raises. Partner's job also came with a lot of travel, international included.
It changed him drastically, to the point that he started sleeping with other girls while out of town and taking them on his trips. We're obviously not together anymore.
Put The Weight Back On
I was with a guy for years and I lost some weight, got pretty toned changed my hair and got a better job. None of it changed me, but it changed him. He started getting really paranoid about the male friends that I'd had for years- none of whom had been an issue before my transformation.
He started trying to stop me from going out and got super paranoid. He wanted me to stop going to the gym and to put the weight back on. It ended our relationship.
No More
My ex boyfriend went from chubby to body building competitions in the 2 years we dated. He went from being sweet to self absorbed and told me "There's a drop dead gorgeous girl at my gym you should workout so you can look like her."
I ran half marathons and was in great shape at the time. He also started eating the same thing every meal, so no more dinner or ice cream dates.
- abc-z
Boobs
My wife would turn every head in the room when she walked into it. She fell in love with my writing (read some of my stuff, tracked me down and asked me out). I'm not usually flustered around women, but when I took my first look I said to myself "Well, it looks like we're just going to be friends."
At the end of the date she said, "Hey, let's go mountain biking next Saturday!" I said, "Great!" At the time, I was heavily into competitive Mt. Biking and I found out she was able to keep up with me. We ended up being Mountaineering guides, buying a sailboat and living on it for 7 years, sailing across oceans.
After we got married I asked her, "So what was it? Why'd you want to marry me?" She replied, "You're the first person (man) I've come across that really listened to me. You're also the first man to have cared for and respect my intelligence. You're also a good man Dean, and cute!"
"You mean I'm not handsome?"
Wife: "Oh no! You're just cute! So why'd you decided to marry me Dean?"
Me: "Your boobs."
And then we laughed our butts off.
She was my one. The love of my life. Passed away this last may from breast cancer. She asked me once if I wanted to cut out 'cause her condition was getting very poor, she needed a lot of care and her physical beauty had faded. I replied, "Babe, there isn't a person on this planet or a situation that could take me away from you. You and me baby...all the way." And that's how it was.
Do It For The 'Gram
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She was really cute and nerdy, and our biggest thing on a Sunday was reading comics and talking about dumb things. She made a friend at work who got her into makeup. She got really good at it and it was fun for a while, but then the things that we bonded over fell to the wayside and our Sunday's turned to her being insta famous and going out to parties and stuff.
Instead of just rocking up to see each other I had to give her notice to do her make up. She started to get more insecure about her looks and needed constant compliments. Then she dumped me because we didn't "look good as a couple in photos" anymore.
She even moved to a different city for better photo opportunities and that's when I finally deleted her off Instagram.
Insecure
Former partner of mine went from cute to hot. And while that did not make her out of my league, she suddenly became much more insecure about things. It was weird.
- hythloth
I lost 50ish pounds and for awhile anyone I talked to would bring it up/compliment me. Weirded me out so much...like stop reminded me of my flesh prison, please.
I went from being short and chubby to tall and slim and counted as generally attractive but due to not being raised my whole life as a "attractive" person it causes me to be shy and awkward.
- Saint_c7
A Younger Version
Well, he got his braces off, decent glasses, found pants that were long enough, his acne (from 'roid use) cleared up and he found the right weight gain shake.
He cheated on me and left me for a younger version of me :)
- iraddney
Showering Matters
My ex boyfriend was one of those people that didn't really take care of himself and so he was very quiet because people used to tease him for it. I got him into the routine of showering every other day and ironing his clothes and he started to be more confident ... confident enough to cheat on me three times. Now he's a druggie and looks gross once again. Now no one will date him anymore.
A New Human
When my wife began dating me I was in the process of losing weight and getting fit. She was well out of my league (and still is) but at least I don't look like I've had 2 chocolate cakes for lunch anymore.
So far so good. We go to the gym together most days and we also created a new human together. The new human is particularly noisy.
"Sad Stage"Â
When I met my boyfriend, he was constantly down on himself because none of the girls he liked before me ever liked him and he thought there was something wrong with him. I watched him transform from a shy not confident guy into an amazing outgoing person with a charismatic personality.
Last week he wrote a paper for school about how I helped him grow out of his "sad stage" and it made me tear up :)
The One
I was dating a girl very tentatively - everyone knew we were a couple, but we had never even kissed, just did everything together and everyone treated us like a couple. Then I started training to be a fighter. I got super-ripped, got promotions at work, started winning some fights (ring, not street) and lots of other girls started hanging around.
This girl, whom I loved dearly, stopped wanting to see me, quit her job and moved cities. It almost broke me. She was probably 'The One'. I've never seen her since and I've never considered marrying anyone else.
Longterm Sabotage
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My girlfriend kept thinking I would cheat on her because I wasn't fat. Over time, she broke my exercise/eating habits so I gained 60 lb. Married me, but now doesn't find me very attractive anymore, so no sexy times.
I Left Her
I left her... although she was beautiful, but she had issues and got drunk so fast and so often. Beauty wasn't all I needed... I needed a partner.
Teddy Bear
I'm currently losing weight to fix some health issues I have, and my boyfriend is gaining weight and he's really insecure about it. He keeps thinking I'll leave him when I'm "out of his league." I've asked him if he wants to work out with me or go on a similar diet, but he doesn't want to. I'm not going to force him to do something he doesn't want to do, but he knows the offer is there.
He's always going to be my big cuddly teddy bear, and I'll love him no matter what sizes we are or what we look like.
Chubby Girl With A Hidden Talent
My girlfriend was the chubby girl people picked on and never chose for their team in high school. She got her PhD and a great job. In the past two years she's discovered a hidden talent for endurance sports and has consistently podiumed in every race she's competed in this past year.
She's now slim, successful, smart, and wildly athletic. To me she hasn't changed a bit and neither have I in her eyes. We're pretty happy as things are. We've just got new hobbies and encourage each other as we go through life together.
- lk05321
Caught On Early
Just to preface this whole thing, I'm not a 10/10 knockout or anything but I think most people would consider me to be pretty. I met my husband in high school when his hobbies included weed, video games, and playing guitar badly. He was chubby, short, going through an emo phase, and covered in bad acne. My father hated him. Obviously he stole my heart immediately.
When we got out of high school he worked mainly in fast food while I was a college student. He lived with his parents. My sisters were sure we'd break up and tried to convince me I could do better, but he's my best friend so I didn't care in the slightest. While I was in college he thought about going into the military, so he started working out daily. He got very fit very fast, and decided he no longer wanted to be in the military but wanted to go back to school. Just getting older and changing his diet cleared up his acne. Going back to school got him interested in dressing better. No other way to say it, he glowed up!
He's now on his way to being an electrical engineer, is still my best friend, and is honest to god out of my league in looks/physique. I'm crazy lucky that I caught on early and saw that potential. (And that bone structure)
He Cheated On Me Anyway
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Along similar lines, I lost 30 lbs and grew out my hair while I was with my boyfriend because I thought I would be more attractive. He cheated on me anyway, now I don't determine my worth by my fears about what others will think of me :)
Do we even have a clue that they're the "one" that got away? How long until it sinks in? And how do we not know there isn't another "one" coming behind them? I have no answers. Just asking...
The Draft
Episode 1 Omg GIF by RuPaul's Drag RaceGiphy"The girl who summoned up the nerve to ask me out towards the beginning of high school. I was so humiliated by the life my family was living that I stalled until she gave up."
"Betsy, if by some stroke of dumb luck you're reading this... I'm so sorry. It was 25-27 years ago, but I still hate myself for that. You were beautiful, intelligent, a good person, and if I had anything resembling a stable, presentable home I would've said yes in a heartbeat... I had a crush on you since 7th-grade 'intro to drafting.'
I Love Her
"Weird, I was just confiding in my mom about this last night. I'm late but for catharsis's sake I'm going to post. My first girlfriend is a classic case of you don't know what you have until it's gone. She's the complete package. Beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, and so kind. We started dating when I was 17 and broke up when I was 21."
"For reference I'm 30 now. I was an idiot. I wanted to play the field. I wanted to party and hook up with college girls. It was fun at first but after a while I felt this gnawing hole in my heart. The feeling of doubt crept up slowly and still, a decade later my chest feels tight thinking about it."
"I didn't realize until my later serious relationships that getting along with your SO's family is so important. Her mom and step dad genuinely treated me like a part of their family. It's not a stretch to say I literally grew up with these people. I spent some of my most formative years with them. Birthdays, Thanksgivings, Christmases, you name it. They celebrated me and my accomplishments. They genuinely cared about me. Just amazing, salt of the earth, lovely people."
"Her birthday was in March and I sent her a text and we ended up talking for a bit. She's happily married and stable with a daughter and a second on the way. I'm genuinely so happy for her. She deserves happiness. I just wish I was a part of that. Sitting at work 10 years later I'm tearing up. I numbed myself out to it for years, it's so strange to me that I've been so stuck on her lately. Is this normal?"
- direct07
15 Years Later
"My very first real love. I was a teenager and I didn't really know how to be comfortable in myself or with myself. I played silly teen girl games and lost him even as a friend. Now 15 years later I still think about R from time to time. I genuinely hope he's happy in his life."
"Edit: Wow this blew up while I was sleeping. Thanks for all the sweet words and to everyone with their "one" congratulations! I suppose I hadn't looked him up on social media because I'm scared, scared he won't respond, scared he will respond, scared he'll think I'm a stalker. I'm in a happy relationship now, but what if... Etc etc etc. But I'll give it a Google."
Missed You Much
rhythm nation dance GIF by Janet JacksonGiphyA girl I dated in high school. Went on a date one time she took me out parking and I was too stupid to realize it.
"She always talked about moving away as soon as she got finished with high school. I always thought I would stay in a little town the rest of my life. Turns out I was the one who left and move to another state. Later I heard that she had told someone that I knew that she thought that we would be married at some point. Missed it by that much."
Ok... I've been a bit blind to the light. People can be cruel, but also highly creative. Why not just lead with the truth? It'll always hurt more after lies.
Chuck E.
Chuck E Cheese Wink GIFGiphy"Ah the rare AskReddit question I can answer."
"I met a wonderful woman circa 2013-2015. We worked at what I can best describe as an upscaled Chuck E Cheese. Or ghetto Six Flags. Your choice."
"We hit it off instantly, though at the time I was rather romantically inept. Eventually, she says she's leaving to join the Air Force. I tell her I'll miss her, and wished her well. The thought of asking for her number so we could stay in contact didn't even cross my mind."
"Cue the next day, I stop for lunch on my way to work, and as I'm walking to my car I hear my name being called. I turn around, and it's her, running toward me. Universe giving me a second chance, right? Wrong. My dumb butt still didn't ask for her number. She looked a little upset, and I still think about her often. Desiree, I hope you're doing well."
The Getaway...
"He was my first and last love. I was 16 and he was 18 when we met. We bounced around like idiots, on again off again, finally got together mid 20s. We both fell into bad habits - drugs and alcohol, more booze for me, more drugs for him. We had some bad things happen that were pretty detrimental to staying sober. We would split, reconcile, get sober, fall off the wagon, split, etc... repeat as necessary. We realized we were very bad for each other unless we could BOTH just get sober for ourselves, and split."
"Ten years later, I was sober for 7 years (still am, going on 18 years end of this month, actually! Woo, go me!) and he was beginning to come back, sober about a year. He contacted me, we met, talked about trying again. He said that once he had been totally clean for a year, we'd do it. That whole "Don't make any changes for a year" thing. I would visit him, tho, things were good."
"He woke up one morning feeling bad, thought he had the flu. (This was pre-now) I stayed around because he was sick, but neither of us thought he was drastically bad, just the flu, right? He got worse and worse, finally we called an ambulance because he got up from a nap and couldn't breathe. He died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Aortic dissection."
"He got away, but someday I'll see him again. I never stopped loving him, and him me. We just weren't good for each other."
Ce la vie...
"My most serious Ex."
"Don't think I truly understood love until I met her. Loved her more than I ever thought I could love anything. It eventually ended when she told me that, through no fault of my own, she had fallen out of love with me. That was 2 years ago, still hurts to think/talk about."
"Ce la vie..."
The Avoid...
"I'm in the middle of trying to avoid that right now actually."
"It's not worth the heartache trust me. I fought to stay in a relationship for an entire year. If I would've just let her go the first time she wanted there would've been a lot less pain. We would've left on good terms. I would've lost a lot less sleep. Rip the band-aid off because once the band-aid starts peeling it's inevitable it'll fall off with time."
Kim Tate Eye Roll GIF by Emmerdale"My ex and I broke up over 3 years ago. Mutual breakup through a lack of communication on both ends I feel."
"Thought I was over that hill until this week she messaged just to say hey and ask an innocent question. We text for the best part of the day and it's brought up a lot of old feeling. Feeling pretty bitter sweet right now."
Love is a mess. Why even bother trying if you can't be true? It's not hard to just spell out the situation. And if you're the one needing to put together the words... look closer. The dialogue shouldn't be difficult.
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